Stepmum Space

Episode 45: Stepparenting a Neurodiverse Child: Love, Limits & Learning on the Job

• Katie Harrison

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For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

Episode Summary

In this episode, Katie speaks with a stepmum of three boys — one of whom is neurodiverse — about what it’s really like to go from zero to three children almost overnight.

She shares openly about the emotional highs and lows of stepping into a full-time parenting role, the pressure to bond instantly, and the guilt that comes when connection doesn’t happen as quickly or naturally as you hoped. Although she loves her stepson deeply, his additional needs have brought unique challenges — and she’s learning how to meet him where he is while still honouring her own limits.

This is a grounded, compassionate conversation about the reality of stepparenting when neurodiversity is part of the picture.

In This Episode We Explore

  • What it feels like to be thrown into parenting without any preparation
  • The emotional complexity of loving a child you didn’t raise from birth
  • How neurodiversity affects bonding, boundaries and daily routines
  • Why struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means you’re human
  • The guilt and pressure stepmums carry when connection is slow
  • The difference between supporting a child and losing yourself
  • Why honesty, support and small steps forward matter

These themes reflect many of the key challenges stepmums search for when trying to understand their role with neurodiverse children.

If This Resonates
For personalised tools, strategies and support, book a free introductory coaching call:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s approach and experience:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com

Who This Episode Is For

  • Stepmums navigating neurodiversity in blended families
  • Women struggling with bonding, guilt or emotional overwhelm
  • Anyone who’s gone from “no kids” to “full household” overnight
  • Stepmums wanting clearer boundaries and steadier footing
  • Listeners looking for honest, non-judgmental stepmum stories

Keywords
struggling stepmum, stepmum support, neurodiverse stepchild, blended family challenges, bonding with stepkids, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum podcast, parenting neurodiverse children, emotional support for stepmums, stepmum guilt, stepmum boundaries

Helpful Links
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. Connection takes time — and you deserve support while you figure things out.

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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. You can find plenty more support and ways of connecting with other stepmums on the website www.stepmumspace.com. Now my guest today is Ray. Ray got in touch with me to ask if I was able to share any episodes of the podcast which focused on being a stepmum to a neurodiverse child. And I didn't have anywhere to point her. So she courageously offered to share her story. Let's get into it. Welcome Ray. I think you are our first Kiwi stepmum, so very exciting to have you on the show. Although a little bit strange because you've got a lovely glass of red wine and I've got my morning cup of tea beside me.

Ray:

Yeah, sorry about that. I did think about that at the time and thought, oh, but it's been a really long day.

Katie South:

There's no judgment anymore thing from me. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to talking to you. Um so you enjoy your wine, kick back. You people who are listening there, whether you've got a cup of tea, a glass of wine, a can of coke, whatever, hope you enjoy the conversation. So, Ray, why don't you kick off by telling us a little bit about your family?

Ray:

Yes, my husband and I have been married for almost a year. So we got married in October last year. Uh, we've been together for about five years, I think. We have three children, they're all his. Uh, I don't have any children myself, all boys, and it is a crazy family. So my oldest stepson is preteen, and he is also neurodiverse. And then we have twin step stepsons, and they are complete opposites of each other. They are not identical, and um, they could be not more be more different, really. So, yeah, we also are house full of animals, like it's just crazy. Um, it is absolute bonkers. The boys are actually split between their buyer mum's house, which is not very far from us, and our house. So this week we have had into our have our um twins, and then on the um next week we'll go back to their oldest stepson, and then we just swap. So every second Friday we get the night off, and then on obviously on the other week we have all three of them. So it is it it is busy all the time.

Katie South:

Yeah, so I'm just trying to follow that. So am I right in thinking that you have the eldest one by himself and then the twins by themselves and they switch like that with their mum?

Ray:

Yeah, so he was diagnosed uh with autism and ADHD about uh probably about a year into me being with my husband. And it's just it's a lot. Um, we are trying as a family to support him as he learns how to cope with the strategies of life that he'll need because you know his thinking is so different to us. His needs are so much different to the twins. Um, so we split them across the two houses. My husband and his um and the kids biomum got a professional opinion, and the the doctor at the time, knowing the situation that we're we're close by, suggested that this be an arrangement. And so this is what we've done the last three, four years, right through COVID. And how old are the twins? They are about to turn 10, so they are really active, making their own person, you know, growing their own personalities. And I came into their lives when you know they were just starting school, so that it's been a real journey to get to know them and and grow with them.

Katie South:

How was it when you first met your husband and he had these three small boys?

Ray:

Oh my god. Um, I was so naive, I have to say. Like I was I was trying to think about for this podcast, think about what I was prepared for, but I don't think I was prepared at all. And and I've listened to so many of your podcasts, and I think there are so many women possibly in the same boat as me, just completely oblivious. So my husband and I met on Tinder, and you know, I swiped and I thought, oh, you know, he he looked really cute. And um so swiped, and in the beginning it was never meant to be, yeah, it wasn't meant to be anything but just people hanging out. It wasn't gonna be serious. And then a couple of months into it, he actually we were going on a date and he said to me, I actually, you know, I don't want to see anyone else. And I was like, Oh, this is really cool. And you know, I knew he had children at that point, but I never really thought about what it would be like to be a stepmom. And so about well, I actually met the rest of his family first. His parents had a wedding anniversary, a significant wedding anniversary. And so he said to them, Is that okay if I bring this this person? And they were shocked, like, because his marriage had only really ended a couple of months before, officially ended a couple of months before we met. And so they were shocked that my husband was bringing this new person. And then I met all of a sudden, I met them first, and then I met 50 relatives, and of course I haven't met the boys at that point. So it was just bizarre, like, what on earth is going on for me? And then a couple of months after that, he said to his his ex, the kid's mum, you know, I'd like my partner to meet the boys. And so she actually wanted to meet me first.

Katie South:

How did you feel about that?

Ray:

It was really hard. I understand, like I completely understand. If if it was me in her position, this person's coming into her into her kids' life lives, and I I get it, it was just I don't think I was I prepared myself enough. I work in comms, so I had all the key messages in the world for every question. And it's funny because when I look back, there were questions that she asked that I I knew she'd ask those questions, like, you know, do you plan on having children or things like that? But um the one thing that has stuck into in my head, which has actually been probably the hardest thing for me as a well, one of the hardest things for me as a stepmom is she actually said to me, I don't mind if my ex meets someone else, but if that person comes into my kids' lives, I want them, I want that person to love my kids as much as I do. And at the time, I you know, I was so naive. Like when I say I'm naive about it, I was like, yeah, I can totally do that. I'm a very competitive person. So when I say I want to do something, when I say I want to win, I want to win. So I was just like, I can totally love them that much. Like it's that's just what I'm gonna do. And then initially I was like, okay, well, the way I'm gonna love them is just to pour all of myself into this, you know, relationship to build whatever whatever my relationship is going to look like with each of them.

Katie South:

I'm surprised, you know, because uh I have obviously heard lots of stories where the ex wants to meet the stepmum, but it's usually for a kind of more casual coffee. But she was asking you, do you plan on having kids of your own? That's such a personal question. It's interesting that she said, Oh, I I want the person that my ex meets to love the kids as much as I do. So a lot of the time we hear that bio mums are quite threatened by a stepmum coming in, but it sounds like she was really wanting you to be almost that third parent figure. Did it feel like that?

Ray:

Um if I'm if I'm absolutely honest. No, she made a comment to gosh, I hope she hasn't listened to this. She made a comment to my to my husband after we met and said, You're dating another version of me. And that was actually it just, you know, what us females do, we're we're we're built on emotion. So when we hear these comments, it kind of just layers on top of you know, all these emotions that we've already got. It's a it's a it's an emotionally challenged situation to begin with. I was just like, oh, but this is his ex-wife, so how am I like her? Because then maybe he's not gonna like me. And then, well, I've also got to love the children as much as she does. So okay, I've got this expectation put on me. So it was it didn't feel it, yeah. I I can see where you're coming from, how it was almost like she wanted it, but it didn't feel like that at the time. It was really hard.

Katie South:

That's a massive expectation to put on somebody, particularly when yes, you were serious enough that you were going to meet the kids, but you didn't necessarily know it was forever ever at that point. I mean, I can imagine that being a lot.

Ray:

Yeah. I didn't realize that at the time the impact that it would have on me. So we've had we've had many a tough time, especially with sorry, my voice is a bit shaky now because it's quite emotional. Um we've had many a tough time with my, especially my neurodiverse stepson. And in those moments, that's when these these thoughts and feelings and emotions flo that because all you can think is, I just want to leave right now. But you feel this obligation that you you've signed up to this, you you know what you're signed up for, but then all these other thoughts and things that have been said come up. So it's a real probably sound a bit all over the place. It's made life really hard. But it's probably in the last year where I've actually realized it's actually not possible for a stepmum to love a their stepchild in the same way as a biomum does. I've had so many conversations with my husband and said, I can't, I don't have that intrinsic connection to love the boys like you or their mum does. So when I get frustrated, it's frustrated looking at another human going, well, you should be doing this. You should be using your knife and fork to eat your dinner because I just haven't had the day one onward stuff.

Katie South:

And the thing is, you know, you say, Oh, you know, well, I I knew what I signed up for. But, you know, I'm thinking about all these situations where people leave an unhappy marriage. You know, you get married signing up to it forever. Like I've never met anybody who's divorced who says, Well, I knew I'd get divorced. You know, you sign up thinking it's forever, but you don't know what's going to happen. Like you can't, you don't know how you might change, you know, you don't know what the other person might do that might make it impossible for you to remain in that marriage. So in it's like in no other situation in the world, apart from step mumming, that people go, Well, you knew what you signed up to, like everywhere else, people understand things change and you go in with your best intention and give it your all. But you don't know. And especially adding on a the complexity of neurodiversity and also that that pressure being put on you right off the bat of I want you to love the kids as your own. Like, I I can imagine that sound bite coming back in your head and being quite difficult to manage, really.

Ray:

It was funny. I um I I was recommended a book a couple of years ago uh called Step Monster. I I'm sure that lots of mums. Oh, it's my favorite out there have read it. Oh, I love it so much. I read the first chapter and burst into tears. My husband comes in, he's like, What is going on? And I said, This is my life. Yeah. Because it it it felt like someone actually understood exactly what I was going through, but no one around me had any clue. You know, I've got friends who have got children, but it's just such a different world. When you've got this added expectation and challenges, and when you go to the, you know, go and do a school pickup and you're looking at all the mums and you're like, oh god, am I the am I the third wheel? Are they looking at me weirdly? It's just being a stepmum is so so different.

Katie South:

Okay, so you've met biomum. How did you walk away from that meeting feeling?

Ray:

Completely uh flabbergasted, probably shell-shocked because it's not it's not the sort of normal situation that you go into. You're not just going to have a coffee with a friend. We had an hour and a half lunch, and I got back to my office and I just sat there like, that was it's it it's kind of like being in a job interview, yeah. But at the end of it, it it's your life that's will change. It's not will I get this job or not. And I couldn't I couldn't articulate to my husband exactly what had gone on because it you're still processing it.

Katie South:

So it was just the two of you. Ah, I thought your husband was there too.

Ray:

No, no. In hindsight, it it would have been a very different conversation had he been here, but it is what it is. And it's it's funny, like when you think about like when I think about the the comments of you're just another version, like you know, you're just adding another version of me, it's like, but I I I just I I I can't see it, but it is what it is. I've I've picked it so many times in my brain over the last five years that I I I think we're very different people. I just we might look a little bit alike.

Katie South:

But that's as far as it goes, right?

Ray:

Yeah.

Katie South:

It's funny, isn't it? I've spoken to some stepmoms who look like me and the ex have actually got quite a lot in common, we're quite similar, and then I speak to lots who are like we're poles apart. So I guess it just I mean, so much must depend on why your marriage breaks up, what the issues are. And and then anyways, regardless of who the person is, it's you're like, no, I'm my own person.

Ray:

Yeah, totally. And and it almost makes well it m it made me almost want to be 150% the the version of me. I've got I I'm a very extroverted person. So it was like I had to go on overdrive for a period of time just to kind of be be myself, which is not how it should be. It's yeah, you should just be who who you are and never think about being like somebody else. But yeah, that's what what's played out for me.

Katie South:

Sometimes that stepmom role does, and a lot of the women I work with in coaching will say it does put them into a really comparative, competitive position. Like I've never experienced that personally on either side, actually, but I hear it a lot. Like people, people who don't want to be in a competition suddenly feel like they're pushed into it, and it can be really difficult. So, what happened after you'd met the ex? How did things move forward with you and the boys?

Ray:

So I met my oldest exam first, and we had it off straight away. We'd go for walks, he liked he loves animals. So I I have a dog, so he got to know my dog, and we just yeah, we we just built I I certainly built a relationship with him quicker than with the other two. The other two were obviously a lot younger, and sorry if you can hear a noise, there's a plane going past. Um, we would go for walks together, we would go just adventure, we'd go rock pooling and and just stuff that little boys want to go and hang out and do. He was very into the specific sea creatures, so he would talk to me all about them. And at the time I didn't realise that that was his autism at play. We we got to know each other. I was dad's friend, but that grew over time. And after a few months, um, we went on a um summer holiday as a family, and that was yeah, that was where I first kind of had this moment of, oh, okay, this this is gonna be what my life will be like, you know, getting up and making breakfast for a cast of thousands and trying to figure out everything that all the kids like.

Katie South:

Yeah, and going from kind of having no bio kids to suddenly having three bio kids and girls or boys, everything's tricky, but my experience of having parented both genders is that little boys are a bit more physically demanding than little girls.

Ray:

Yeah. So the the boys are all really active. And so it was just trying to think about things that they would want to do, um, and you know, getting to know them. And my hobbies are not hobbies that they were initially into. So, you know, we'd go for lots of bushwalks or we'd go to the zoo, or I love going out for coffee. So I would, you know, take them out for a hot chocolate and and just try and get to know them and connect on their level. In the beginning, I was really conscious that I wanted to build a really cool friendship with them. So I I don't know how much money I've spent on those kids trying to trying to be that really cool stepmum. I I never wanted to be the evil stepmum. I always wanted to be a really cool stepmum. And in the beginning, I would just, okay, well, we'll just we'll buy a ticket to go and do this, or we'll go and do this. Or, you know, I would I would always say yes if I could. That then put me in the bottom later on when it came to the oh, you're living with dad now and you're starting to parent us and you're starting to say no, that's where life got really tough.

Katie South:

Yeah, and it's difficult, isn't it? Because you everybody goes into it with positive intent. Like nobody wants to be the wicked stepmother. And you know, you can read a lot of the books that will be, as you say, saying, Oh, you know, be their friend, don't be their parent, don't discipline too early, which all makes sense. But then as you say, you get to the point of, well, I I can't say yes all the time. And do you know what? You're living in my home, albeit my home with your father, but it's still my home. I I I can't have you, I don't know, leaving your breakfast cereal all over the worktop or leaving your muddy football boots in the hall and not picking them away, whatever it might be. So, how did that pan out then when you started to say no?

Ray:

It was really hard. I I think that there was this turning point for me. I vividly remember. Um, so my husband volunteers, and every Monday night he's usually out. So there was this one Monday night where he'd gone out, and it was only the second time I'd ever spent time alone with the boys looking after them, trying to do the evening stuff. So cooking dinner, trying to, you know, get people to do homework, trying to shower people, do whatever. And I thought I was completely under control. And I I was cooking dinner and I had the news on in the background, and all of a sudden I hear this I've done pos.

Speaker:

And I was just like, Oh my gosh, what did I just hear?

Ray:

And then I heard it again. And so I turned everything on the stove off because I was freaked out that I was gonna boil something over. I went into the bathroom and I saw one of the twins in the downward dog position with his bottom facing me. And I was just like, oh my gosh, this is the moment. What on earth is going on? And that's when everything in the house exploded. There was an argument with the other toe. You know, I've got to deal with a child that, you know, needs his bottom wiped. I'm trying to cook dinner, and everything just absolutely exploded. And I I messaged my husband. I said, I don't think I can do this. He said, What's wrong? And I said, Well, one of the twins didn't pose for a starter. He said to me, I remember it vividly, oh, do you want me to come home? And it was that moment of no, I can do this, but you know, I don't want to be this weak person, but I've got to start changing my approach now. It's definitely taken time for me to figure out what my my parenting style is. And I don't think I've found it yet. I've gone from being the grumpy, I'm gonna put you in timeout, I'm gonna take away a treat, I've yelled, I've cried, I've just been incredibly upset because it's so hard when you're trying to get through to three children at times, and you don't feel like they respect you enough to listen to what you're saying. But yeah, I I think I'm finally starting to figure out what my version of parenting is, but it's not easy.

Katie South:

It's not. And to go from no children to three children all of a sudden, and three children who've already been partially raised without you in their life, it's like dropping you into hot lava almost because it's all happening and you haven't had a role in constructing how you want it to happen. So you can't expect somebody to be able to just manage that.

Ray:

Yeah, totally. And on the flip side, the thing that I come back to in my mind is that these kids did not ask for me to be in their lives. So I have to, there has to be some give and take from both sides. I have to ask them to learn to respect me and appreciate my way of being. But I also have to appreciate that they didn't ask for me. And I can only hope that one day they look back and they go, well, she came into our lives and she did some pretty cool stuff with us, and she's she's okay. Yeah. Hopefully, fingers crossed, they do that one day.

Katie South:

In those early years when they were kind of finding their feet with you, and you know, you kind of said there were times when you shouted, times when you cried, times when this, that, and the other. How did they respond to your differing approaches?

Ray:

I think the approach that's probably had the most um impact is actually crying. I with the twins, there's been this marked change. I had this a few months ago, and this is you know how recent it is, a few months ago, I just I was so exhausted from everything that we have to go through week on, week off with my oldest stepson and the challenges of you know, a busy work life and a busy home life, that I was absolutely exhausted and I burst into tears one night and I just said to my husband, and unfortunately the twins heard me, and I said, I just feel like I'm not being respected. I never even get a thank you for everything that I try and do. You know, I was probably an absolute mess. Unfortunately, they heard me and I felt terrible that I was putting my emotions so raw on the table for the whole house to hear, but I was just so exhausted from from not feeling any love or respect. And I think there's been this real change that I I do think that they are trying to show that what I do for them is really appreciated. They hug me all the time now, they thank me for all the little things that I do, which you know, it might only be packing a little bit of chocolate into their lunch and having a secret with their dad, you know, with that their dad doesn't know. Um, but it's all those little things that that has been a market change. Prior to that, the the other ways of working the time out and that it just wasn't working. This was literally a few months ago. There's probably a bit of them getting used to me, them starting to mature, but also them just seeing me absolutely distraught.

Katie South:

Yeah, and I do think showing that vulnerability is okay. Even with my bio kids, they're little and I've burst into tears before on them because I'm just so frustrated because they won't listen. I don't know, like if I'm really hormonal and I'm really tired and I haven't had a chance to eat anything, and I've got shitloads of stuff going on in my job, I've got shitloads of stuff going on in my step world, and I have burst into tears in front of my little kids because I'm just so I don't want to shout. I don't, but it's just sometimes gets too much. And I think if you're not putting all your adult problems onto them, which clearly you weren't, it's okay to show that you're upset and hurt. And it's okay to say, I wish I would get a thank you for that. That's just it's okay. Like, and it seems that when we show a bit of vulnerability, I know with mine, they'll be like, oh, okay, sorry. And you become more human rather than just this sort of shouty person going around going, put your shoes on, tidy up, do this, do that.

Ray:

Yeah, I think I definitely think that's what's happened. It's almost like when you do have to have these moments of put your shoes on, get your lunchbox packed, you know, do this, do that. There seems to be a little bit more of an appreciation about why, why we're pushing for for those things to happen, because then we can do the cool stuff that you want to do. Yeah, it's taken a while to get to that place. And I don't know whether or not I should have tried a different approach, tried to have a conversation with them about it rather than just getting so frustrated that I launched into this is what's gonna happen. Yeah. Hindsight's a wonderful thing. 100% podcasts like this are great because you hear other people's experiences, but there aren't that many books on step parenting. Every step parent situation is so different that you can't really build your situation based on somebody else's because it just looks so different.

Katie South:

When I found myself in a really tricky spot a couple of years into being a stepmum, you know, I just did this huge kind of Amazon order. I'm sure the person packing it up was like, whoa, this woman wants to learn some stuff. But, you know, the the only book that sort of resonated that felt like it was written for real people was Stepmonster, as you say. I think if anybody's listening and hasn't got it, go and order it because uh I, you know, and I've spoken to Wednesday Martin a few times. I love her, I think she's gonna come on the show actually. She is so human about it. And I've said to her, like, possibly she saved my relationship. You know, me and my husband, then my partner, both read the book. And he was like, Okay, yeah, I see, I see what's going on, I see what's happening to me. Yeah, if anyone hasn't got that book and uh needs a little bit of reality and likes the approach in this podcast, I think you would like that book.

Ray:

My husband hasn't read it, but I would read extracts to him. And one night he said to me, So is there any hope for us? And I said to him, Well, I think there is because I can see what's going on now, and I can understand why I'm feeling like this and why it's so tough for me. So now that I understand, I feel like I'm not going so mad because I felt like I was absolutely losing the plot most of the time.

Katie South:

It's so difficult. And you mentioned when you first got in touch with me the added situation around your older, older stepson being neurodiverse. And I you just referenced then how it's taken a few years to get to where you are. So do you mind sharing a bit about kind of that middle bit with us?

Ray:

Yeah, so um I reached out to you because I I just this is the bit that I am is struggling with as a stepmum. I I mean I struggle every day. I mean the stepmumbing is not easy, but we are on a journey with my older stepson. I think hormones are kicking in, which never helps. So he will have huge meltdowns, and these meltdowns can go for a couple of hours. You can have your name being screamed at you over and over, and it's hard because it's almost like you have to unlock Pandora's box, and you've just got to say the right word to be able to unclick whatever is going on in his brain to get back to some sort of normalcy. We walk around on eak shells a lot of the time. Our health system over here in New Zealand, I don't know what it's like in the UK, but our health system here in New Zealand is not really geared for kids with disabilities of any form. So when you add in an invisible disability like child that's neurodiverse, it the education system, the health system, it just becomes really hard. When I met my older stepson, you could tell that he was a bit different because he was so into certain things. Over time, it started to amplify the meltdowns, the way he treats his brothers at times. I totally get that there are there is an element of he's just being a boy. But then when you have a conversation with him and he doesn't understand why the pain that he's caused his brother in his mind might be an accident, but the his brother's not seeing it that way. And then you're giving attention to the brother when you're trying to console the brother, and he's the one that's wanting attention, and it's just growing and growing and growing and growing. And so following COVID, I think it became much harder. Um, he didn't really want to engage in school as much. Some days it is hard to get him out of the house to go to school, and yeah, it creates this level of tension that you just can't, I can't describe it. It makes being a stepmum even harder. Stepmum life is a challenge to begin with. So, you know, you're trying to juggle your life, what you what your life used to be, or what your life is now, what your life is with the kids, and then you throw in this added tension of trying to to help a child who um is trying to understand what the world is for them. And it just it it becomes horrid at times. I'm ashamed to say, but there have been

Speaker:

days where I've just wanted to walk out you want to take a break all of that I love my honesty examining I can do um we have had some amazing amazing times together so I think the tears come from being helpless to be able to help and seeing um seeing the pain that unfortunately happens because of we don't have all the supports we don't have all that the tools right now to be able to help him we are thankfully starting to get those very very slowly starting to get those but um it takes a long time and yeah it's um it just adds this layer of complexity though that is really hard to explain when he's with us it's gotten to a point where I I'm almost just a flat mate in those weeks just because he is very dependent on his father when he's with us.

Ray:

And so if I try and have a conversation or step into a conversation it can create a just a blow up instantly. For some reason when I talk it seem I don't know if it's just me being very very sensitive but um when I talk you know there seems to be more blow ups. So when he's here I'm I'm starting to pull back a lot more which is hard because I want to keep building that relationship with him. But also I want to you know I have a marriage that I need to look after um so yeah yeah yeah yeah it's funny his his dad said to me yes uh yesterday he'd had a meeting with his bio mum and a support person there to try and start getting some support someplace apparently he's moaned to her about you know the fact that I try and get him to do things and she actually said to him you know she doesn't have to be there she shows that she loves you because she doesn't have to be there. Lots of other people wouldn't put up with this kind of behavior. So I thought that was a very cool moment. Yeah I feel that emotion from being in the moment with you and I guess almost hearing that from his mom it's like that extra validation of you know what she's doing a good job yeah it's funny because it like it's almost full circle isn't it you know from that first moment that I met her where it was hard to to hearing hearing that she'd said that it was like oh okay well I am she is appreciating that I am trying really hard in a really really hard circumstances yeah I'll take that at the light at the end of the tunnel.

Katie South:

Yeah and having you know I have some friends who have biological children with various neurodiverse needs and they will say a lot of the same things that you're saying but when you're a stepmom there's that extra layer of questioning. So their biomum probably feels a lot of the same things towards this complex situation as you and a lot of the guilt about having some of those feelings but it doesn't have that added layer of complexity and all the while you've got the voice in the back of your head going love them as much as I do love them as much as I do.

Ray:

Exactly exactly and and exactly right and you know I've had so many conversations with my husband he said to me I I I I can't do this today. I can't be here so I totally get that there will be bioparents out there who feel this exactly the same way in these situations it's really hard but when you're a stepmum there's almost this this blame happens so when we have one of these meltdowns I often blame myself for it because I might I might have said the wrong thing we'll come home after school my older stepson will say something that upsets one of his brothers and so my natural defense is to come in and support the the stepbrother and then that creates an absolute explosion and all I want him to do is just apologize. But unfortunately in his world that's not that's not the fix for it. He can't apologize to his brother he has to he has to litigate it with me which is fine but but that's an hour another hour of a meltdown it chips away at you so that you're not as emotionally resilient or mentally resilient or even physically resilient. And so when you've got the added layer of being a stepmum in there it just yeah it it's really hard. What's helped you keep strong during this time um I work a lot work is almost I've got a really busy job and I love dealing with the issues at my work but um probably that takes my mind off things just being out of out of the home but also doing things for me. You know I I have my dog so I'll go and take her for a walk every night and then I I drum I learn I started learning the drums a couple of years ago. Cool. So if there's any yeah it's like it's like going to church me I'm not a religious person but it's like going to church every Tuesday night I get in the car I've got a 20 minute trip you know I put music on that gets me amped up I go and do my drum lesson then I've got my music that I come home to and it's almost like if I don't go to drums then it's you you can tell when I haven't been to drums for a couple of weeks because I I do dip downhill so probably my two tips if you've always wanted to do something that you you think oh gosh I I can't do that. I'm getting too old just do it. It doesn't matter how old you are I started learning the drums at 39 just go out there and take some time for yourself. It's actually okay to do that. I think we are so we feel this responsibility that we have to be at home all the time. We have to be you know I bake every Sunday afternoon because I want to be a responsible step parent and I like I I feel this responsibility as a as a step parent but then I've realized that actually that's not viable to be like that all the time. You can be a responsible step parent by taking yourself out of the situation.

Katie South:

100% and it always feels like biological mums are encouraged to do things that stepmums have in the past been judged for and I feel like there's a turn I feel like we're recognizing this but I was reflecting when you were talking earlier about you should have known what was ahead of you but you didn't. And I was thinking like maybe it's because not that many people talk about it. So you hear bio mums talking about how hard it is having a baby how your body changes after you've had a baby how your mental health changes after you've had a baby how your career changes like all those things and there's a lot of support out there. So yes when you have a baby you don't know everything but you've got some idea that your sleep's going to be shot to shit and that your body's going to fall apart for a bit and like all that sort of stuff. But because nobody talks about openly about being a stepmom because of all the cultural and historical stuff that comes with it when you go into it and you're like oh I'm feeling a bit resentful of I don't know I'm making this up my whole life has suddenly changed because I have to plan my schedule around kids you feel like you're the bad person but actually I bet if you asked a hundred stepmoms out there have you ever felt resentful? 99% of them would say yes at least I really hope that 99% of them have said yes they do prefer resentful because I certainly have it is um it's hard you're you're completely right there's all the books of okay you're 39 weeks pregnant this is what's happening now you know but there's no this is day one of you being a step parent this is what it's going to be like this is what you need to do when you hear I've done poo's none of that I wish there was and I love your tip about go and do that thing whatever your age go and do that hobby and you know I'm in my 40s and I have to say like I'm starting to explore things that I've wanted to do for years but never had the time to or the chance to or always felt guilty for and it's only now I'm kind of thinking like hang on these kids they're not going to be here forever. These kids are going to move on and have their own lives and you don't want to lose yourself along the way and that's I think so much harder when you're a stepmom because you have a different kind of narrative in your mind a different kind of voice talking to you about the things that you should do the judgments in society that are out there. So I I think that's a super helpful tip. I'm interested as well have you got any advice for other stepparents who are dealing with a neurodiverse situation do it your way.

Ray:

And I I have to preface this my husband has taken a long time to kind of come on my journey with me because he wants me to be this 150% mum because he knows that I want to be that mum. When I first said to him I think I have to have to step back from from being so involved with my older stepson he was really not resentful but shocked and he didn't want me to step away but over time I think he's kind of come around to oh this is what she needs to do for her own wellbeing for her to keep the house calm you know I I I've I've looked at this house so many times I've tried to figure out what's gone on so many times that it's almost me researching my own world and figuring out okay this is what I need to do. This is the instruction guide for me right now. So I think do just do it your way. Read up on everything that you possibly can but there's there's a quote out there that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. And it's so true because we're all different across the world but you can read all the the bullet points of well this is this tends to be the the symptoms or the diagnoses or whatever for an autistic person or for someone with ADHD but um when you start to mix especially the different elements of being neurodiverse it makes it much harder so you can't just it's not a cookie cutter you can't just cookie cutter this approach. So that's why I say do it do it your way because you you know your stepchild you know yourself you know your your husband or your partner and you've you've just got to make it work until you can get some supports around you.

Katie South:

Yeah and I really appreciate you reaching out because I've had a lot of women get in touch with me saying would you consider doing an episode on this topic and my answer is always yes I just need the person who's prepared to come and have the conversation. So I'm really really grateful to you and I'm sure I'm going to get people writing in when they hear this I'm just wondering maybe we'll set up a space on the forum for this kind of topic in particular because it can be a totally different journey for everybody as you say.

Ray:

Yeah we were on a parenting course for parents with teens who are neurodiverse recently and there were six different parents on the call and they were just all so different. Our journeys were so different and there were similarities there the similarities of trying to figure out how to explain things to your neurodiverse child but really the the similarities it tend to be from our neurotypical perspective rather than the the neurodiverse child's perspective so yeah setting up a forum and just getting people to talk about this stuff is so valuable it really is.

Katie South:

Another area I'm really interested in just touching on is you talked about how you apart from every other Friday night you always have some of the children with you. So how does that work from moving kind of to from you know you've almost got three different environments going on there the small amount where there's no kids then one space where you're with your teen stepson and then you've got the twins. So how does that pan out for you?

Ray:

We've we've gotten to such a routine now that you just kind of know okay well the the changeover happens on a Monday. So we'll have the twins go to school on Monday and then we'll have the my older stepson come home on the Monday afternoon. And it's not like we don't see all the children throughout the week. So um we each take a turn at looking after them um one afternoon a week and then the twins both have football. So you're always seeing a combination of them. So it just it's just become routine and your brain almost switches I noticed that there is a switch between the week that we have the the twins versus the week that I have my older stepson. I mean I think I said before we do walk on each shells a lot more with him. Hopefully not for Uber. Hopefully we're able to find some supports that mean that we can have a much more relaxed house but you do you just mentally shift the the week that we have him is the week that we have our Friday night off. So it's almost like you kind of get just this little break in between and we often have to figure out okay are we too exhausted to actually go out and do anything or should we take this time and actually be real adults and go out and do dinner or whatever that looks like it's quite tiring but you do get into this routine of just you know like all all step families you you get into your routine of okay well we have this child or we don't have this child so you get used to it. Yeah and what are your hopes for the future of your family I really hope for my older stepchild that we're able to get him the supports that he needs to just understand that the world is kind of not set up for neurodiverse people. In the ideal world we would start to see more strategies and more ways of being that that are more accepting of all differences. But we're just not there yet. So I hope that his school he changes school and and that becomes more settling for him and as at in home life we can start to find some strategies together that um help us build that relationship back up that we had in the beginning because we had such a cool relationship in the beginning and for my my younger stepchildren I hope that they they have a hard time because of because of everything that goes on in in the house with their brother so I hope that once things settle with him we can have more of a just a not a normal family but just a calm family I don't think we'll ever be a normal family but just more calm times calm and happy times. Yeah that word calm comes up a lot like I I remember just thinking you know my family doesn't have to be like happy singing dancing perfect picture perfect family but it's that calmness it's that peace I always felt like I just want contentment it doesn't have to be wonderful just calm contentment yeah I do not want the one track for any singers I do not need it but what I do want is just being able to go out together and just having a really nice time and knowing that after half an hour there's not going to be some sort of chaos that ensues that makes life harder and makes us go I wish we hadn't done this.

Katie South:

That's the short term goal anyway thank you so so much for getting in touch and for being our first stepmum from New Zealand on the podcast. Hopefully not the last I'm sure there'll be lots of women whether they have a neurodiverse stepchild or any other situation who will have taken a look from the conversation. So thank you so much for getting in touch stay in touch and we'll hopefully hear from you again soon.

Ray:

Awesome. Thank you so much I've really enjoyed this.

Katie South:

Alright thank you so much for trusting me with your story it was really gorgeous to talk to you and I felt pretty emotional at that point as I'm sure people listening did as well. I've set up a space on the forum for those of you who want to connect with others on the subject of neurodiverse stepchildren so do head there if you need support. You'll also find plenty more tailored support on the website www.stepmumspace.com including the Stepmum Space workshop, one-to-one coaching or my really popular couples coaching programme. You can also reach me there via email through the site or on the socials at Stepmum Space with any questions. If you've enjoyed this episode please do rate or review wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps others find us and if you've got a story you'd like to share please get in touch via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at StepmumSpace. I'll be back next week with another news story. See you next time

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Katie South

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