Episode 46: When Your Home Isn’t Your Safe Space: Anxiety, Boundaries & Stepmum Life

For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

Episode Summary

In this raw and honest conversation, Katie speaks with Francesca — a stepmum to two young girls — about the emotional toll of stepfamily life when your home doesn’t feel like a safe space.

Francesca describes how becoming a stepmum shifted her from a confident, independent woman into someone who felt anxious, unsettled and constantly on edge. After moving into her partner’s old family home — and dealing with frequent drop-ins and boundary-crossing from the ex — Francesca found herself spiralling, questioning her place in the family and struggling to cope.

This episode explores what happens when your home stops feeling like yours and the emotional cost of living in a space where your boundaries aren’t respected.

In This Episode We Explore

• What it feels like when your home doesn’t feel safe or “yours”
• How constant access from an ex erodes psychological safety
• Why even strong, capable women can crumble under stepfamily pressure
• The impact of living in a partner’s old family home
• The anxiety, hypervigilance and overwhelm that follow boundary violations
• How coaching helped Francesca rebuild her confidence and reclaim her space
• What healing looks like when you’ve been in survival mode for too long
• The slow, steady process of finding your footing again

These are some of the most common challenges stepmums search for when feeling overwhelmed, unsafe or destabilised by stepfamily dynamics.

If This Resonates
For personalised strategies, emotional tools and stepmum-specific support, book a free introductory coaching call:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s approach and experience:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com

Who This Episode Is For

• Stepmums who feel unsafe, unsettled or pushed out
• Women struggling with anxiety triggered by stepfamily dynamics
• Anyone dealing with ex-partners who cross boundaries
• Stepmums living in a partner’s former family home
• Listeners feeling lost, overwhelmed or disconnected from themselves
• Anyone searching for real, honest stepmum stories

Keywords
struggling stepmum, stepmum anxiety, stepmum support, psychological safety in stepfamilies, overwhelmed stepmum, ex-partner boundaries, stepmum coaching, blended family stress, stepmum podcast, emotional support for stepmums, stepmum mental health

Helpful Links
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not alone. Your feelings make sense. And with the right support, things can feel calm, grounded and manageable again.

Transcript

Katie South: 0:01

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. I've had so many lovely messages from you all this week. Jenna wrote to me saying OMG, OMG, OMG, and a few more of the OMGs. I thought I was going crazy until I found Stepmum's face. Thank you so much for reassuring me that I am, in fact, not, in capitals, a wicked stepmother and that all my thoughts and feelings are normal. I've got my husband listening now too, and it's opened up some really helpful conversations. So thank you, Jenna. I'm so so pleased that this has been able to help you. Ellie's written to me to say she's a bio mum who stumbled across the podcast while googling something stepmum related, as her child has a stepmum. She has listened to a few episodes and found it really, really helpful in trying to relate to her child's stepmum. Ellie, we applaud you. As we often say, stepfamilies aren't easy on anyone, and the more we are all able to work together, the better. Now, this week my guest is Francesca. Francesca is a stepmum to two little girls and is also someone I've worked with in my coaching practice. Francesca wanted to share her story in the hope that it might help others. That's one of the things that I just love about stepmum's face. The generosity of the women and the odd men willing to open themselves up and share their raw personal moments solely in the name of helping others. Not so wicked, are we? I hope you enjoy this chat. Francesca, a face that I've met before. Francesca and I have worked together in the past. So I was really happy that you offered to share your story on the podcast, and I'm very excited to see where you are today. So welcome.

Francesca: 1:56

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me on Stepmum Space.

Katie South: 1:59

Okay, so for those listeners who obviously haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, why don't you share a little bit about your family?

Francesca: 2:06

Yeah, that would be lovely. So my name's Francesca, I'm a children's nurse. I met my partner a couple of years ago. We'd uh worked together about five years ago, but didn't know each other that well. And then we reconnected. Um, and yeah, one thing led to another. Um we had an incredible connection. And from the beginning, I knew he had two little girls and he was completely dedicated to them. And yeah, he's one of the most devoted and incredible dads I've met. And that was, you know, always such a I was so drawn to that in him. Um and since then we've moved in together, and so we live together, and we have the two little girls who are now five and seven.

Katie South: 2:42

And how often are the kids with you?

Francesca: 2:46

Uh so we have them 50-50. So they are with their mum Monday, Tuesday, and every other weekend, and then we have them Wednesday, Thursday, and every other weekend. Um, and then my partner and his ex do a couple of extra school drop-offs during the week as well.

Katie South: 3:00

And how has it been for you, sort of embarking on a relationship with somebody with children?

Francesca: 3:06

It's been harder, like being honest, it's been harder than I would ever have imagined. And I feel like I was very, which I've heard several times, very naive going into this. I think, you know, from my background and growing up, I've always had a lot to do with children. I I love children, I get on really well with children, and I'm open to people having exes and things like that. So I wasn't daunted at all by the fact that uh my partner had two children. In fact, as I said earlier, you know, I found his devotion and his commitment as a dad and the idea of having, you know, two little children very, very attractive. But then I think it just there's all these things that you can't even think of beforehand. And it's really hard even to explain when you're in it. And I think I look back, I've got a couple of friends that are step-mums, and I think of when I spoke to them about it before, and I just had none of that perspective. And now when I've gone to them going, they're like, Yep, and we relate in a way that we never had before. So I can completely see like how how do we as step mums get that message out to the public and the outer world and society about the feelings and the thoughts and the challenges that we face as stepmums.

Katie South: 4:15

Yeah, it's not unusual for somebody to enter in it thinking, oh, this is great. I love kids, you know, it's brilliant. And so many things just turn up that you could have never even anticipated if you hadn't done it before. So tell us a little bit about your journey since meeting your partner.

Francesca: 4:33

So when we met, we were both, I think we were both in quite places where we weren't actually really looking for something. So he was recently separated, and obviously his priority was completely and utterly um the two girls and getting the best for them and working through all those changes that you have through a separation. I was planning a big challenge to cycle around every children's hospice in the UK. So that was very much my thought and focus.

Katie South: 4:57

That's amazing.

Francesca: 4:59

Oh, thank you. Um, so we were we were both in places where we met where we weren't actually looking for anything, but the connection we had was just like nothing else either of us had experienced before. And I hadn't felt a need before I met him to be in a relationship. You know, my focus was always on if I met someone, great, but if I didn't, then I was happy being by myself as well. So I knew it would take someone special for me to change that perspective. And he was that person. We went through lots of challenges at the beginning of our relationship, not personally, but obviously I was away for 10 weeks doing this cycling challenge. My best friend's little boy died three months after we were together. And so we we faced lots of things that were really difficult and quite challenging quite early on, and all of this just brought us together, but it was a lot to go on, go through early in a relationship, and all of these things just made us stronger and our communication was incredible, the way we supported each other. So yeah, we've been through a lot, and I thought nothing could challenge that. I thought anything the world throws at us, we could take on, which is still true, but it threw a lot more at me than I was expecting. I think with stepmom life, every day is different, isn't it? Like you have a good day, you have a bad day. Like it's really difficult. But it it's hard to know where to go with the journey, to be honest, Katie, because there's so I'm quite new in the journey. You know, me, me and my partner have been together 20 months. I've we've lived together for 10 months, so I feel like we're still facing lots of different things and lots of adjustments and have done since the beginning. But I think I think the biggest challenge, like meeting the girls and things went really well. And I'm lucky I've got a very good bond and relationship with them and have done from the start. But I think when we moved in together, like that was where I think it it felt really overwhelming for me. I think that's where where the change and the challenges became very, very key and much harder. The biggest challenge for me from the beginning was that his ex would come over whenever she liked, uh, when we had the girls. So without necessarily any warning that she could just turn up at the door. So the first time I met her ever was before I moved in, but because she just knocked at the door and came in, which my heart was beating so fast. You're in this situation where you've moved in. We the the way um their separation has worked, we're it we're in the family home, which I think also has connotations for how you feel and lots of emotions around it. And again, before before I moved in, though, I was fine coming over here. You know, it didn't faze me at all. And it I was almost a little bit proud of myself that I could, you know, come into the old family home that had all these, you know, memories and pasts and not mind it. But then when I moved in, all of that changed, which I find really interesting. And I think probably it's because before that I had a safe space and I wasn't reliant on this being my safe space. It could be somewhere I just enjoyed being. But when I moved in, this this was where I lived, this was my home. And actually it stopped feeling safe. I stopped feeling safe. And you know, a huge part of that at the beginning was because of his ex just turning up when she wanted. And again, you're in a you know, you're in a new relationship, you're trying to build all these bonds around you. You already feel like you're having to say, say things that you find hard, which for me being, you know, I've been very independent for the past however many years, and I like to sort out my own problems. So having to talk to someone all the time about things that you don't really have control over to fix by yourself is really, really hard. I felt a bit like so. My favorite quote has always been um, you can't control the cards you are dealt, just how you play the hand. And I've sort of lived my life by that and been through, you know, quite a few difficult times, particularly with loss and difficult jobs, where that I've always I've always been able to use that as a comfort and a way to steer myself forward. But for this, I think I almost felt like my partner had his hand of cards, which was impacting me, and I didn't have any control over they were played, or I wasn't the one playing them. So I didn't, so then I just felt completely out of control. I don't know, does that make sense?

Katie South: 9:03

Absolutely. And you know, it's really interesting what you were talking about, the fact that you felt fine visiting there and going to see your partner, and there wasn't an issue. But then as soon as it becomes your home, and like you say, your safe space is gone. Your home should be your safe space. If you don't feel safe there, then obviously that's a that's a huge challenge. And I totally buy into what you say about you can't control the hand that you get, just how you play them. I hear it a lot from women around that issue of my partner has the relationship with the ex, it's the ex who's difficult. What do I do? So, yeah, how did that impact your relationship with your partner?

Francesca: 9:46

It was just really difficult because obviously I think again, another part, hard part of being a stepmum is you've got two very different lived experiences of you and your partner, haven't you? Like the challenges you face are very different in individual ways. And so it's something whereas the things I've talked about that were hard at the beginning of the relationship, we could join together in these, and they were kind of more of a shared experience. This we've got very different um ways of living, and we're thinking in different ways and having to work out our priorities together. Um, so obviously his priority was the girls, and he was still having to work out, you know, this separation and living apart and how they shared the girls. It's obviously very new and challenging for all parents, biological mum and dad. And but it being amicable was hugely important to my partner. Like, you know, he for the sake of anything for the girls, he wanted it to be amicable. He knows how hard it could be if it wasn't, and his ex could be quite confrontational. So I think it was easier just to go along. And you also, I think, you know, from his perspective, like you don't know what's right or wrong, do you? Like when you're in that situation for the first time, you haven't necessarily been in that before. Like, how do you know what's right for the girls? You know, to say that their mum can't come over feels like a really difficult potential thing to say.

Katie South: 11:05

Um Yeah, I mean, the ex just dropping by when you've never met her before is quite a big deal. And obviously, there's a lot of difficulties that do come for women who are moving into the family home. So was she when she was turning up, was she coming inside inside, or was it a case of just popping something off at the door?

Francesca: 11:25

Yeah, no, coming inside inside, like, you know, it might be into the kitchen, might be into the living room, stay for five, ten minutes, and then go again. Generally all unannounced. Or she might try and call my partner a couple of minutes before, and then if he didn't answer, she would have knocked at the door. Or like, you know, one Saturday where we were going out for a lovely day on the phone to the girls in the morning, she was like, and I'm gonna come and see you later on our weekend with them. And so I was just living with this constant anxiety, and and it impacts your whole even the days we didn't have the girls, you're thinking what's already a place you don't feel safe in, and you're already thinking about what might happen. So, but you don't know what the answer is. Like, so I I basically said, you know, I can't carry on living like this. You know, my my anxiety, like this, is it does and it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel kind of okay for anyone. So we started off by my partner asking just to let us know which day she was coming, like whether it would be the Wednesday or the Thursday. And it led, and she was furious, like it led to a really, really emotionally difficult and challenging conversation where you know she she felt and her feelings were that it was her right to come and see her girls whenever she wanted. That was a really difficult position for my partner to be in. Obviously, you know, you feel lots of mixed emotions of guilt and worry and anxiety, and and where do you go from there? So it was kind of ended up that conversation, I think ended up being a bit of a semi-agreement that she would, but that there might be exceptional situations where she couldn't let us know.

Katie South: 12:58

And that's so difficult, isn't it? Because men are notoriously bad about speaking up about their feelings. So I can imagine if he'd have spoken to some of his colleagues or some of his mates, or you know, had this conversation, they would have kind of said, like, mate, you're that's not cool. Like, you can't have your ex-wife just turning up at your house, even if it did used to be her house. And also for her, like I find it really strange as an ex myself that you would want to just randomly turn up at your ex-partner's house, like even if you wanted to see your children. You know, everybody's different, but I think for the children that could potentially be quite confusing as well.

Francesca: 13:41

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I think these are all things that we felt and that everyone you spoke to felt, but it's really hard to work with something that seems to come from an irrational perspective, and but but where they are convinced that that is the absolute right way, and you are wrong. There's no, you know, no discussion, no, no understanding that you might need your space or time, or you know, or like you say, that the girls need their their time with their dad and building those relationships with a new partner, and equally um their mum had a a new partner as well, and you need you know, respecting that time that they have with them as well.

Katie South: 14:17

I I can't I actually can't wrap my hand around. I mean, if you would want to just drop something off at your partner's house, say, I don't know, the girls have left their ballet shoes here or whatever, fine, drop it off and send a text, it's on the step. But I I don't really understand, particularly if they were 50-50, so presumably she was seeing the girls a lot, what the what the need was really for sort of random dropovers. What what did she say from her point of view? Was it a case of missing the girls or something else?

Francesca: 14:47

Just that they're her girls and that she has the right to see them. You know, sometimes it would be because she passes the house on the way to her gym, so she should be able to come in and see them then. You know, it felt very much like a sense of control thing, obviously. I think if you've lost control of having your children with you all the time. Um, because I agree, like when we my partner's a doctor and can be on call, so we we'll have a week where we don't have the girls, and so he'll pop and see them then. But I I used to sometimes go, but I stopped because going for a few minutes and then coming away again for me felt really hard. And if you had a positive time with the girls and they were really happy, then you came away happy. But if you had a time where something was a bit more challenging, you came away feeling really rubbish.

Katie South: 15:27

So he was still going as well to her house midweek to see the kids.

Francesca: 15:31

So it'd be like every six weeks. So every six weeks he has a week um where he don't where we don't have them. Um he so he goes a whole week without seeing them. So one time during that week, he'll try and try and see them. So they find it really hard when he's on call for a week.

Katie South: 15:46

Yeah, and I guess they're only little, and as you say, it's all it's all new for them. So you're in this situation, his ex is saying she wants to drop around whenever she wants, you're feeling really anxious, you're not psychologically safe in your own house, which is awful and sadly really, really, really common. I think there's a lot of us, myself included, who've been there. What happens next? Yeah.

Francesca: 17:19

So she she kept to the kind of letting us know, but it's again really hard. So obviously, we would have the girls Wednesday, Thursday. So by a Monday or Tuesday, I would be feeling anxious. I would say to my partner, you know, I'd be thinking in my head, oh, I need to ask him. Has he asked her yet which day she's coming? And you know, that makes you feel tense and like you're having to have a tense conversation. Then you're having to wait to find out if she's coming on the Wednesday or Thursday, which was dictated by her and not by us. And then you're wrapping your head around that, and then Thursday's over and you're on to feeling like that way again, like for the for the coming week. So again, it was a it was a step, but it it didn't it didn't improve my anxiety or my feelings. Um obviously it was better than just rocking up whenever. But I was still living my life dictated by that. Um, and we were, and that was that was really hard. And I just felt, I mean, I'm sure I know lots of stepmans feel like this, but just completely out of control and anxious all the time. And that is not me. Like I, it's really hard feeling not yourself and feeling these responses and feelings that you don't have control over and that you can't work out at all. And and and I've spent so many years thinking about and working on mindset and trying to live the best life I can that I was so challenged by the fact I couldn't do it for this situation. You know, so that again made it almost worse because I was like, why why can't I get this right? Like, why can't I find a way to like, you know, deal deal my cards and play play them the right way? Like, what's what's so hard? Um, and then actually I was really helped by one of my friends talking about uh Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which we've touched on with your safety thing. But she was said, you know, she was saying, I think the bottom one is like your you know, physical needs you need to be alive. And then the next one is safety, and then above that is like love and belonging, and then at the top one is self-actualization and mindset. And actually, if you don't have safety, then you can't build on the other ones.

Katie South: 19:11

Yeah.

Francesca: 19:11

So if I didn't feel safe in my house, then that's why I couldn't do the other steps to make this situation work because I at a basic level I wasn't feeling safe.

unknown: 19:21

Yeah.

Francesca: 19:22

So then obviously, so then it required more conversations. And this is what's so exhausting is you know, it's constant conversations and trying to work out what's right. And obviously, we'd already met this huge resistance from just asking her to let us know which day she was coming over. So the thought of doing anything else, I think for my partner in particular, was really, really hard because he was so worried about what the consequence might be to the girls and like what the impact might be. And actually, if you're working with someone you know that is having some irrational ways of behaving or communicating with you, then then there is fear about what they might do and how they might react and and what power they might have. So I was just spiraling downwards, like I was getting more and more anxious. I wasn't coping. If anyone asked me how I was, you know, normally, like at the beginning, you know, someone says, How are you? It's quite easy to say I'm okay or I'm good, even if you're not. I couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. I I would just be like, my response would be, I'm not coping. Like, I I can't, I can't do this. I don't know, I don't know how to get through. And I would say to my partner, like, this isn't sustainable. I'm not coping, you know, like I feel like I'm breaking. But we kind of went round the houses of of ways to change it because because of the fear, it felt like we couldn't ask her not to come on the days we had the girls because it felt like the consequences would just be too huge.

Katie South: 20:45

And where was your partner in all of this? I understand he didn't want to rock the boat, but he's met somebody else and she's saying she's not coping. What what was he saying to you?

Francesca: 20:59

I think he he knew it wasn't right. He knew that he knew that what our thoughts and feelings were about it were right, but I think he was just so lost in it with all and so oh, you know, I'm speaking for him now, but I think I think the fear of of what was right and the girls was just so high. Like I think, I think it just didn't it just didn't seem like an option, it just didn't seem like a viable thing. And I think when you're met with someone saying, I'm their mum, what right do you have to stop me giving them a hug and a kiss? Like, how do you think they would feel if they knew you'd stop me doing that? You know, when you're facing those sorts of conversations, you know, what do you answer to that? They're not they're not easy conversations to have, and they're not easy conversations to answer. And obviously, everyone is trying to adapt to a new situation. And well, and the thing I've learned from this is everyone, you all lose your perspective. Like it's so hard to feel yourself to make rational decisions and work out what's right and wrong when you're in the middle of it, which is why we need more people like you, Katie. And yeah, for me, that that is what changed this situation was actually having a couple of sessions with you because before that, my head, my head's always working to work out how to make the best of a situation and what I can do and what's in my power, what's not in my power. And so for this, I tried to think, okay, what's my ideal and what's livable? Um, and my ideal was obviously that she wouldn't come over when we had the girls, but I thought my livable would be a set day where, like, say the Wednesday or Thursday that we dictated that then I could plan something with my friends that day or go stay somewhere else. But I would know it was every week, so I could plan it into my routine and then it would become routine. So at that point, I was like, that's my livable. Um, but again, even you know, that conversation of making it set seemed like a massive challenge to have with his ex. And we knew, like, you know, the sense of fear I think we both felt was um terrifying about. And so we thought we'd wait till the divorce was through and things like that. Because I was, I yeah, I like I said, I was just not living. I said, I can't I can't carry on like this. Oh, and then we also we said that we would have a couple of sessions with you each because I thought actually I I know I'm out of perspective here. It's really hard. So you don't you want to make sure you're making the right decisions, like you don't want to rush into anything when the consequences can be that big. And so, yeah, then we had the sessions with you, and they it's it just I found it really interesting. So I remember going from the session with you, speaking through my options and what I was thinking. And I remember at one point you I said to you something like, Oh, you know, and that I feel safer if I'm at someone else's house or walking down the street, and just quite casually in conversation. And I remember you reflected back to me and said, just to reflect back to you, you said you feel safer walking down the street than you do in your own house. And I was like, Yeah, actually that's that's not okay. And then I think we spoke about, you know, need and whose need is being met by her coming over, and what's the barrier to having the ideal and what what is right? And actually, through the course of that conversation, even though in the conversation towards the end, I was still flipping between the, oh, should we go for the oh, I'm just out every Wednesday? And then actually I woke up the next morning and thought, actually, no, like this is going to be my home. I deserve to feel safe here and we have to protect it. We have to protect our relationship and we have to protect us and our family and our future. And we're not going to do that with me feeling like I have to be at the house every week so that his ex can come in. That's the only need that's meeting is ours. It's not actually meeting the girls' need, it's not meeting my partner's need, it's not meeting my needs. So it's a decision made out of fear. And if we live our life in fear, then actually what life are we living? That's not a life I want to be leading. And so actually, that gave me the confidence to be able to say, actually, no, this is this is what I need, like this is what has to happen in order for me to stay here and live here. Otherwise, we would have to look at some something where I didn't live, live here because because I can't I can't manage this level of anxiety and and I deserve to l live somewhere where I feel safe. So I'm so grateful. And I and I still think back to that. And I think if I hadn't had that session with you, I wouldn't, my perspective wouldn't have changed. Like I would still, I would probably, we would have gone for the Wednesday thing and I would be being out every every week. And actually, like when you think about it still, like, you know, part of the safety thing was, you know, if I put up a photo or if I did anything in the house, I would be doing that knowing she was going to come in and see it. So there's a lot of areas in which her coming over impacted the feeling of safety and the anxiety. So actually, me being out of the house didn't actually fix that.

Katie South: 25:52

Yeah, and also, you know, we're all for stepmums doing their own thing and not having to be tied to the family all the time. But equally, you shouldn't be dictated to of when you can and can't be in your own home. So I'm so pleased to hear that it was useful. And it really is interesting sometimes how the things that we say in everyday conversation then get reflected back. I had a similar experience when I had some coaching where I kind of said, you know, as long as everybody else is happy, it sort of doesn't really matter how I feel. And the coach was like, as long as everybody else is happy, it doesn't matter how you feel. And I still think about that. And that was probably about seven years ago. So I'm really happy. It's very important to put that time into yourself. And I also had a couple of sessions with your partner. How, how, I mean, obviously that's all confidential, what we talked about, but did you see, did you see any change in him after that?

Francesca: 26:46

I think it was, I think it was really helpful because, like I say, I think I think you just lose complete perspective in that situation when and when you've got two little girls at the centre of it, like it's it's even easier for that perspective to be lost. It's not just you you're thinking about. So I think having people this is it's an ice isolated area, isn't it? Having people to talk to that understand and are are experienced and talk things through with makes a huge difference. And I was really proud of him and like that when I suggested it to him that he, you know, agreed to it. And and you know, he's he's so dedicated to getting the best for us as well, that he's been so willing and happy to do that. And you know, having this final conversation with his ex, which um, you know, was one of the hardest things. And again, you you feel this guilt because you can't take take that on for them, you know. It was a conversation that that had to be him to have, but you just knew how hard it was going to be. So there's lots of feelings of guilt, I think, as well, that you that you can feel the whole spectrum of emotions.

Katie South: 27:44

It really is. And I I always say to all my clients at the beginning, like, all the emotions are welcome.

Francesca: 27:49

Yeah.

Katie South: 27:50

All of them, bring them, bring the anger, bring the tears, bring it all. With emotions like anger, we're raised almost that anger is a bad thing. Probably not so much with kids being raised these days, but certainly, you know, women who are in their 30s and 40s were probably raised in a don't get angry kind of way. And actually, there are things that, as stepmums, oh, humans make us angry. Yes. It's all about what you do with it. How did the conversation between your partner and his ex go then?

Francesca: 28:21

Really hard, really challenging. Um, she couldn't see our point of view at all. Um, she thought that we were the ones with the problem and that we needed to sort ourselves out. But at the end of it, you know, I think it's a lot of words and not actually action. I think, you know, I we're we're very lucky, you know, she doesn't actually, you know, she doesn't speak about us detrimentally to the children. She doesn't actually try and do other things, you know. I think she knows how important that relationship with their dad is. So there are a lot of painful and hard words said, but actually it's been kept to since then, which has been, you know, life-changing for me. And I think I just think for the security of our family as well, and and the relationships we're all building, because at the same time as all of this, you're you've got all the general step-parent stuff and stepfamily things that you're all trying to adapt to as well. And it's not like since that stopped, everything's fine. There's still so many different challenges you face on a day-to-day basis that can make you feel anxious and worried and things like that that you're having to deal with and try and manage. But having that base level of feeling safe in the home is huge. And just having an awareness of what's important for you and your boundaries, I think you lose yourself in that at the beginning of the stepmom journey. Like you feel like you're going crazy. I I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know up from down, left from right, no idea what was right. And as time goes on, I think you do get clearer and clearer. And from what I hear from everyone else, that does get better and better as time goes on as well.

Katie South: 29:56

Yeah, I mean, you've articulated that so well. I certainly remember feeling like I was going utterly crazy, and you question things about yourself that you've never questioned before in your life. It's a whole different level of mind talk, really, isn't it?

Francesca: 30:12

Yeah, I think that's what I'm learning. It's a completely, I thought I was good at mindset, but it's a whole really new, strengthened area of mindset. And I think that's what's hard as well, is you the more you know, I like to read, I like to research, obviously, love stepmom space for it because it's so validating. But there's also the more you listen and learn, you know, you realise that actually this isn't something with a that is just suddenly one day going to be okay. There's always going to be things that crop up, and actually, your mindset is what is key and really important, and that feels like a lot of pressure. Like, I love mindset, I love reading about it and learning and making myself a better person. But when your resilience is so knocked from the situation you're in, it's actually really hard to work on that mindset. So you know it's so important, and at the same time, but you know you need to look off yourself and be in the place to be able to put that mindset into play. But particularly when you're new to This life, you're trying to manage so much and juggle so many balls and process so many thoughts and feelings and emotions that it feels really hard to do that.

Katie South: 31:16

Yeah. And I think going back about seven years when things were really difficult for me, and it was before I'd trained as a coach and learned obviously all the things that I've learned over the last seven years. I remember being like, I'm a mentally aware person, I'm really in charge of my own mindset, but I'd used all the tools in my box and I was still in a right old mess. Yeah. So it's a constant work in progress. I mean, even something happened the other the other night in our world, and I was angry. Like I was I felt really angry. I felt hurt on behalf of my husband. And you know, I really had to coach myself on it. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a decade in.

unknown: 31:54

Yeah.

Francesca: 31:55

Yeah. And I think, yeah, that's what's challenging is for particular for us newbies, is like you know that's your life now, like that it is going to involve. There's a and that's that's your base, isn't it? On top of that, you're gonna have the day to day and week to week and year to year stresses of life that whatever life throws at you as well. So it's you know, working out how how you use what you have to to make the absolute most of what you've got and enjoy life. That's what life's about, isn't it? Enjoying it. That's the ultimate aim and being with the people you love and spending that time together.

Katie South: 32:27

Yeah, exactly. And I think once you've extended your tools and you've got those extra things, you know, I know I was very quickly, you know, matter of a couple of hours able to get myself out of the place that I was in, whereas before it would have consumed me for a week, maybe two, you know, a long old time. Yeah, you know, it's interesting, it's statistically a stepfamily partnership that makes it to seven years is stronger than any other type of partnership with kids or without. And I'm sure it's because like the beginning bit when you're in a in a stepmom situation is so difficult that once you get to seven years, you're like, chuck me anything. Come on, I'm ready for it. Chuck it up, chuck it my way.

Francesca: 33:06

And I use that fact all the time. Yeah, I say to my partner, when things are hard, I'm like, they're supposed to be this hard. And this is why lots of step families break up because it's so hard. But I'm like, we're the seven-year that are going to be happier than everyone else. Like I know I'm really lucky. I feel like I know that our core is so strong and like internal between us, it's you know, there's there's nothing like it just feels so perfect together, but we have all these external factors that aren't typical in a first family that make a step family more challenging, and it's just learning, learning to work around those. So so we've got it. It's funny because at the beginning I thought, gosh, like, you know, the four to seven years to be a blended family. I thought, oh my gosh, that seems like such a long time. Now I find relief in it because I'm like, it's okay, we just got to, you know, do the four to seven years, and it's normal. We're trying to bring people together in a in a way that's not actually natural. So we're going to take time to build those things, and you have to build from the bottom up, don't you, to have that base.

Katie South: 34:03

Yeah, I think there's definitely a lot that rides on actually if you're aware it's supposed to be difficult, it's going to be difficult. Then that can actually really help you because so often, you know, like you said, you went into the beginning. I've got a job where I work with children, I love children. Yeah, it's it's gonna be great. And as well, I think it's so difficult because you you've met the man of your dreams, half of your life is incredibly wonderful, and yet there are so many really tough bits at the same time. So it's hard to wrap your head around.

Francesca: 34:33

Yeah, it's really hard, and also there's just constant things that come up that you weren't prepared for or that you hadn't expected. And I think with Stepmum, everything fluxes so much that it's not like you've got one hard situation, you adapt to the change, and then you get to the next bit. Things are happening all the time, so you're constantly reacting to loads of different levels of change. Exactly.

Katie South: 34:56

So, look, it's so nice to hear that the work we did together was beneficial. You look so much lighter, like you've got more colour in your face, you look happier.

Francesca: 35:07

All of all of my family and friends, you know, they've noticed a huge difference. Like I said, I think it's quite a good, like almost like validation as to how you're doing sometimes. Like I will say to my friends or family, like, How do you think I am at the moment? Because I think sometimes the people that know you best can tell you best. And even the other day my sister said, you know, you're like a million times happier. Um, yeah, one of my best friends early on actually when all of the more challenging things was happening, she said, It's really hard because you're the happiest I've ever seen you, and you're also the unhappiest I've ever seen you. And I feel like that's such a I felt that felt almost so true. Well, it was so it was so true because I was the happiest I'd ever been, you know, with my partner. But then these external factors that you know, that feeling of out of control made me so unhappy and anxious and yeah, that it was true. And I've tried to find the ways to get rid of the um the unhappy bits and and focus on the happiness. And it's step by step, but you know, if you take each thing as a team, then you're gonna get there.

Katie South: 36:05

Yeah, definitely. And where where are things now with the ex? So she doesn't come to your house at all.

Francesca: 36:13

So she will come. So that's another boundary I've put in actually for myself in that she she they do a couple of switches with school drop-offs. So my partner will take the girls to school on a Monday, um, so it might pick them up from their mums to do that, and then she picks them up from us on a Friday for me, and it's at 7 15. Like for me, that was a really hard morning. So it was a morning where, you know, from the beginning, it's like, you know, focuses, get ready for mum, get ready for your mum, get ready for mum. Um, and then the the aura is just uh not particularly, it just feels very negative. Um, her presence at the house and it's civil, but it's very aloof. Like, you know, it's a it's a relationship of minimal acknowledgement, um, you know, and say, you know, here are the girls' book bags, this is what you need to know type thing. But do you know that that's it. And so I I've I've taken myself out of that situation. So I tend to stay away on a Thursday night. Uh um, my parents luckily live nearby. Because starting every Friday in a negative mindset, you know, you have to work out your non-negotiables, don't you? Like what are the things that you can work off and make the best of? And what are the things that actually are going to have a negative impact in your life and that you need to actually put a boundary around that? So for me, that's made a big difference. And so actually, I'm never here if she comes to the house. And for me, also that's really important because it helps me feel safer here. Um, not having that that presence because it's it's interesting. I don't know what it is, but I don't mind going to pick the girls up from her house or dropping them off. But I think there's something about the presence here. I feel I guess more it's more of that link, isn't it? When I'm trying to feel safe in their old family home. And also you are out of control. You're you're dependent on them coming and leaving. And you know, you don't know if if there are difficult conversations, which they don't tend to be, but you you just don't have control. You can't you can't walk away, you're you're in the house. So yeah, so that's something I've put in for myself as well, which again came, you know, I think once we've made these decisions, we can speak to them quite openly and quite quickly and easily, can't we? But there's a lot of mental torture and pain that goes goes into them. And also for your partner, you know, trying to explain that you're not just running away, you know. I've I think that's another another hard part of this is that sometimes to look after yourself and work out, remind yourself of what's important, you have to have a bit of time and headspace away. And it's it's hard for that not to seem to your partner like you're running away.

Katie South: 38:33

So I definitely can see how that is a thing for a lot of stepmums. You know, I talk to a lot of women who will want time away, either time away from their partner and kids on the weekend, because it's a lot, or time away from the house, or time, you know, and it's always a worry, and the partners tend to feel a lot of rejection. I remember when I used to say to my partner, I just want to go to my parents' house with my son, and we're just gonna have Sunday lunch and you can do something lovely with the girls. And there was part of it me thinking it's nice for him to do something with his girls, just them, and part of it thinking it's nice for me to do something with my son. But obviously, it lands with him as me going, we're going off for a lovely Sunday lunch with our family. You're not in that.

Francesca: 39:14

Yeah, yeah. And like I I need time away from you, you know, is what it comes across as, doesn't it? Which it's hard not to take personally. Like I'm sure if I was in the same position, I would I would have to work really hard not to feel similarly.

Katie South: 39:26

What I love about what you're doing is you're making the choices now. So obviously her picking the kids up from your house when she's taking them to school, like that has to happen. That's a that's a handover, it's not a kind of popping around to give them a good night kiss. But you have made that choice and you've decided, okay, well, I'm gonna do this for me. And it sounds like your partner's being supportive as well, which is crucial in all of it.

Francesca: 39:49

Yeah, I mean, we always try and work the problem and talk things through. So, like, you know, and I said, you know, this wasn't a straight answer. I was like, for for that situation, for me to stay on a Thursday and Friday morning be okay, like I could I could do with We Drop the Girls at their house, but I can't do with her coming here. And for him, he was like, well, actually, like that's the only time that she comes here, and actually otherwise I'm doing all the pickups. So it's important for me. There's a bit of balance there. And so actually, once you know you're both sides and the things that are important to you, then you you feel more clear in being like, okay, if that's if that's what needs to happen, then actually this is what I need to do and for that to work for me.

Katie South: 40:24

Yeah, and the way that you feel will probably change over time. You know, I look at back at things that I used to think I don't feel comfortable with that things that I would do but not feel comfortable. And now it's like, yeah, whatever. You know?

Francesca: 40:37

Yeah, yeah. And I also think like again, mindset comes into that, doesn't it? And and how happy you are in yourself. Like the times when I feel most secure and happy and like, you know, on that high in life. Like, actually, I feel like nothing can faze me, like anything, you know, it wouldn't bother me at all. But actually, at the moment, there's still a lot of other things that are challenging that you're trying to work through. So actually, you need to reserve your strengths and put that into what's important.

Katie South: 40:59

100%. Before I let you go, Francesca, tell me a little bit about what your hopes are for the future.

Francesca: 41:06

I think my hopes are oh gosh, that's a tough one. My I mean, my ideal and my hope is that just things become more normalized and we build together. And just, I guess I'm so happy with my relationship with my partner, I'm happy with so happy with my relationship with the girls. Like, there's obviously things that I find challenging, never having been a parent before about parenting. So it's just adapting to all those things. So it becomes more of a normal everyday, and that you can all just the focus can be on enjoying your time together and looking forward to that without the same level of anxiety. But life is full of ups and downs anyway, whatever, whatever course, wherever you're from, whatever you know you're doing, whatever your role is in life. So, you know, this is gonna come with more ups and downs, but it's just working on how to manage those so that you can live the best life you can.

Katie South: 41:56

So, look, Francesca, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you again and kind of catch up on what's been going on since we last spoke, which was some months ago now, I think. So, do keep in touch.

Francesca: 42:09

Yes, thank you so much for having me. You're very welcome. And all your help. Like that honestly, that was life-changing.

Katie South: 42:15

Thank you so much. And I know there'll be a lot of people listening who will have taken a lot from your story. Even as you were talking, I was nodding my head a lot, thinking, yep, I felt like that, I felt like that. So I'm sure there'll be a lot of people out on their dog walk or cleaning their kitchen or driving to work, nodding away.

Francesca: 42:29

I hope so. That support system this provides is so important, like I think, and that's why I wanted to do it because it's so valuable and I think it helps so much, particularly when you're in that time of thinking you're going absolutely crazy.

Katie South: 42:40

Yeah. You're not going crazy.

Francesca: 42:41

No, it's gonna be as sane as possible. Oh, thank you so much, Katie.

Katie South: 42:49

Oh, Francesca, it is always so lovely when the women and men I've worked with get back in touch to let me know how they're getting on. It means the world to be able to offer this support to people navigating the complexity of step family life. I've enjoyed most of August off work, but I am back and my calendar is accessible via the website stepmumspace.com if you'd like to book a session for coaching either as a couple or alone, or you'd like to book a free 15-minute intro to see if it's for you. You can find all the information and booking details on stepmumspace.com. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do rate or review wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps other women find us. And don't forget to spread the word amongst your Stepmum friends. If you've got a story you'd like to share, please get in touch via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at stepmumspace. I always love hearing from you. I'll be back next week with another new story. See you next time.