Episode 47: When Your Stepchild Has Additional Needs: Blending Families Under Pressure

For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com
Sally shares the challenges of blending families while raising a neurodiverse stepchild — and how it stretched her emotionally, practically and personally. If you've ever felt overwhelmed, unsure or guilty in your stepmum role, this conversation will help you feel seen. Real, honest, and full of compassion.

In this episode, Katie speaks with Sally — a stepmum and biological mum — about the real-life challenges of blending families and raising a stepchild with additional needs.

Sally shares her journey from being a single mum to navigating the emotional and practical complexities of bringing two families together. From the early days of adjustment to the ongoing work of building trust, connection and stability, Sally’s story is honest, grounded and deeply validating for any stepmum who feels stretched thin.

In This Episode We Explore:

• What blending families really looks like when you’re already depleted
• The emotional toll of being a stepmum to a child with additional needs
• Feeling pulled in every direction — and how to stay steady
• The pressure on the couple relationship when needs are high
• Managing guilt, resentment and overwhelm as a stepmum
• Balancing compassion for yourself, your partner and all the children
• Why support matters — and how coaching can help stepmums feel less alone

If This Resonates
For personalised tools, strategies and support, book a free introductory coaching call:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s approach and experience:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com

Who This Episode Is For:

• Stepmums navigating neurodiversity in blended families
• Women struggling with bonding, guilt or emotional overwhelm
• Anyone who’s gone from “no kids” to “full household” overnight
• Stepmums wanting clearer boundaries and steadier footing
• Listeners looking for honest, non-judgmental stepmum stories

Keywords:
struggling stepmum, stepmum support, neurodiverse stepchild, blended family challenges, bonding with stepkids, overwhelmed stepmum, stepmum podcast, parenting neurodiverse children, emotional support for stepmums, stepmum guilt, stepmum boundaries

Helpful Links:
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. Connection takes time — and you deserve support while you figure things out.

Transcript

Katie South: 0:00

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. My guest today is Sally. Sally is a biological mum and a stepmum and got in touch with me as she wanted to chat about her journey navigating, bringing her kids together with her partner's kids, as well as the complexities that her stepson's additional needs brought. I really hope you enjoy the conversation. So, Sally, thank you ever so much for your time today and for joining us on the podcast. It's really nice to see you today. Thank you for having me.

Sally: 0:48

It's uh it's really nice to see you properly when I've been listening to your podcasts.

Katie South: 0:54

It's so nice to hear that it's helped you and meant something that always means a lot. I really appreciated it when you got in touch.

Sally: 1:01

It's definitely nice to hear other people in similar situations. I've I have enjoyed listening to them most recently on uh on our blended family holiday, which I'm sure we'll come on to later.

Katie South: 1:16

My goodness. Well, you're still smiling.

Sally: 1:18

Yeah. Well, we're getting married in September as well, so we're doing something right, aren't we? Oh, that's exciting. Are you all all your plans going okay? Yeah, they are. Well, we're getting to the part where we we need to pay everything now, so gotta make sure we're definitely doing it. No, I'm only kidding. Um, but yeah, we've we've we've had quite a lot of prep to do with the kids and still doing it, to be fair. Um, it's it's ramping up a little bit as it's getting nearer. So there's the certain things that we need to do, especially differently for my partner's children, which I'm sure we'll come on to.

Katie South: 1:52

Yeah, definitely. So obviously the wedding's in September. Do you want to take us back to the beginning and how you guys first met?

Sally: 2:00

Yeah, uh, we've been together for five and a half years now. We actually met through work, so no real knowledge of each other's lives outside of that, really. Not in any detail anyway. You know, you just see each other at work, don't you? Worked together sort of from a distance, not not in the same teams or anything like that. And we we got on and we, you know, we talked about work a lot. He helped me get out of a bit of a sticky spot and into a better job that I wanted, um, because he's got quite a bit of experience. Uh, he's 10 years older than me. So yeah, we met through work, still work for the same company together, actually.

Katie South: 2:38

Now amazing. So you've been dating, you've met at work, you decide it's gonna get serious. Obviously, he's got kids. At what point did you meet them and bring your families together?

Sally: 2:51

Yeah, so I was just set the scene. We both got kids. So at the time, mine were eight and three, uh, and his were nine and fourteen, and some different needs with one of his children. So we did we we kind of had the little sort of play gym dates where it was we're just friends and we're just going out to to meet each other as friends, and then it be kind of came a little bit more to each other's houses, probably after about three, four, five months. And the difference, I suppose, with it is that um my partner's youngest son, who was nine when we met, uh they were just going through some, they were the sort of chasing a diagnosis, really, because they they they suspected that he had autism, ADHD. There were a few other things as well in terms of learning difficulties from what they'd picked up from school. My partner and his his ex-partner, because he's never been married, they were going through that sort of really lengthy, daunting process at that point, trying to figure out they knew there was something, but they didn't have anything to say on what it was, just kind of what they thought it was. They they were going through that at that point.

Katie South: 4:05

Yeah, and that's for anyone who's been through it. I haven't personally, but I have worked with many clients who have can be a really long, stressful, daunting process as a parent or a step parent.

Sally: 4:19

Oh, absolutely. And I think I mean, not to go into it in loads of detail because it took a long time, but the support that they got from school, it was almost like they didn't really know what they were what they were dealing with. So they did end up going private, and this were prior to COVID, so you you could get that pretty quickly. I remember him paying, well, they paid a few grand each at the time to go private, and they went, they went off somewhere down country and spent this sort of day with this doctor where my stepson went into various rooms and they assessed him. And then a few months later, it he was diagnosed with ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, and learning difficulties, or all four things, and some of which they'd suspected. But I think the reading of it and the report and how we'd interacted, it were it were quite a quite a moment for them, really. Quite sad to read it and see it in black and white, but then also we finally got somewhere, you know, to be able to help him then, and that's when the steps came then for being able to help him.

Katie South: 5:23

But yeah, so when you guys got together, he was in the process of obtaining his diagnosis. Yeah. How was it in general forming a bond between you and your stepkids?

Sally: 5:38

With the youngest, with the additional needs, really hard for that first 12 months, to be honest, prior to because after the 12 months, uh, we did get support with medication. But prior to that, while you were still trying to unpick what it might be, still trying to adapt to the way that he was. Like, for example, my son was three, and you know, it's hard enough getting kids to kind of come together anyway and share and be in each other's environments and that type of stuff, but it were another level with my stepson at the time because we didn't really have a label for it or quite understand it, me certainly not really, because I'd never really come across anything neurodiverse, especially being having two typical children or my friends' family. I've never never come across it. So he had quite significant sensory challenges as well. So, in terms of noise and just things that you know, I look back now and think the things that we do now that you kind of wish you'd have known back then that would have made life easier. Because yeah, that first 12 months, we did think, can we really did bring this together? Because it's really, really tough. And how did he relate to your children? Related well, it was just there was always sort of a little bit of competition. So at first it was sort of that's my dad, even if my partner tried to sort of do things with my children. So there's a little bit of that, there's not that anymore, but there was little bits of that uh in the beginning.

Katie South: 7:09

How did your partner handle that?

Sally: 7:11

It was, I'm here for for all of you, and it just had to keep there's a lot of reinforcement with my stepson because he doesn't always understand things at first, but then he doesn't always understand it being said in in a way that we just say it. Um, like my daughter, she she was eight at the time when we got together, but a lot more, a lot more aware and probably more intelligent in terms of those social things like that than he was. But obviously that's to do with his needs that he's got. She kind of understood it and stepped back a little bit, whereas he, you know, sometimes we he had to take him away, or we'd we wouldn't be able to do certain things, but we were still learning massively back then.

Katie South: 7:53

Yeah, and I guess for you, you're learning how to be with your partner's children, but you're also learning how to be with a child with additional needs. So it's almost a double transition, I guess, for you.

Sally: 8:04

Well, yeah, because it some of the things that he would do, some of the reactions that he had, I couldn't understand them. I've read up on it loads now, and I've spoken to my partner about it to understand it more, books and all sorts of things. Spoke to his mum as well, which really helps.

Katie South: 8:24

Your stepson's mum. Yeah.

Sally: 8:26

What's the relationship like there? It's good. Yeah, it's as good as it can be. The first probably 12 months when I think she found it really hard, not really knowing why he was like he was, he did go through a period of aggression as well. So I wouldn't say she was always as present as what she is now. They would share their kids quite sporadically. It completely messed with my head. There was just no routine or anything. So in those early days, I think when I look back now, she probably had a lot of frustration and probably a lot of frustration at my partner because of the lack of routine as well. You know, I do try and see it from a woman's perspective, and it's definitely a lot better now. So if I'm having if I'm having trouble with my stepson now, I feel like I can bend her ear a little bit and say, Is this just me?

Katie South: 9:14

Wow, that's really, really nice for you to be able to have that confidence that you can say, I'm having a bit of trouble with him. Can you help me out? Is it just me? And actually, really lovely to hear your empathy and your approach for her and actually kind of saying maybe it was my partner.

Sally: 9:34

Yeah, and I haven't always had that, don't get me wrong. There's a few times when I've thought, oh, you would go again, things would get changed or cancelled, or can you just can you just a lot of that? But yeah, it's definitely better now.

Katie South: 9:48

You got there five and a half years down the line. Were there any big turning points with you and the ex?

Sally: 9:55

I think it was back in it was four years ago. My partner, he had um, I mean, he's only 45 now, so early 40s, he had a he had a brain tumour, and we it was just sort of a lump on his head that was causing him headaches and you know, a few trips to doctors, and literally a day later he had brain surgery, um which were a bit of a shocker. He ended up having sort of four months off work, and I think that were a bit of a that were a bit of a turning point because my partner he couldn't he couldn't have the kids as much um in that four months' time. And then shortly after that, she met somebody as well, which seems to have helped. She seems really settled. I think with a few different things like that, it's definitely helped because we had to kind of come together a little bit when he when he were poor. She had to have the kids a lot more. And I I did lean on her a little bit because I felt like I'd lost him for a little bit for those four months because he he weren't himself. So probably probably that, and then shortly after her meeting somebody else.

Katie South: 10:58

Yeah, I guess when you have a serious health issue in front of you, you kind of realize what's important and what's not. Yeah, definitely.

Sally: 11:07

How is he now? He's great now, he forgets everything, but I think that's most blogs, isn't it?

Katie South: 11:13

Well, I don't know, like I'm in my 40s and I get brain fog all the time. So I'm always like, I can remember all the words to all the Kylie songs of the 80s, but I can't remember why I'm standing upstairs. What have I come here for?

Sally: 11:28

Yeah, I've got I'm a list person, I've got list upon list.

Katie South: 11:32

So you mentioned that when you first got together with your fiance, there was very little structure and routine, and you've kind of helped put that in place, and that's helped you, and by the sounds of it, helped bio mum. And I would imagine that that's actually helped your stepson.

Sally: 11:48

Oh, massively. One of the big things about autism and ADHD as well, and the neurodiverse brain, or certainly how how he works, because everyone's different, is he thrives and needs routine. So now he knows exactly what he's doing and has done for a number of years now, to be fair. So he knows through the weekend, he knows it's a couple of nights in the week, he knows what time he's going home, he knows where he's going. The the funny thing is that whilst we do, you know, you know things happen, don't you, in families? You can't always plan everything. And what we've realized probably only in the last few months is if something changes, say in the weekend that we've not got him, we'll actually message bio mum and say, can you just let him know that we're going to be doing this when he comes home? So now she can kind of sow the seed for us. So when he comes back, that makes such a difference. Um, and we've only quite discovered in the last few months how much difference that actually makes. So we're still learning.

Katie South: 12:50

Yeah, of course. And I guess all parents are learning, but it's really nice that you've got that relationship with the ex where you everybody's putting your stepson at the centre and being adult about it, and you're able to say, Can you tell him this? And she's like, Yeah, no worries. Because for me, that sounds totally logical, and it's in your world and it's totally logical for you. But I bet there's people listening to this who are like, Oh, I wouldn't be able to do that with my child's biological mum. So just yeah, really, really nice. So just to circle back to you guys when you'd met the kids and you were still kind of doing the what seems to be the classic, oh, we're friends, getting to know each other, not to freak out the kids. At what point did they become aware that it was a relationship?

Sally: 13:36

It was probably uh it was just after one Christmas. So he'd actually come and spent New Year's Eve with my family, just him as well, not his children. And I was with my children, and he'd come and spent New Year's Eve with us.

Katie South: 13:48

How long had you been together at that point?

Sally: 13:51

We'd only been probably meeting with the kids, having the kids as friends for about two or three months.

Katie South: 13:57

Okay. So been together around around six months-ish. And how did your kids take to the news that you know mum had a partner?

Sally: 14:05

Do you know what? They were only young, so so they were fine. I I know initially because their dad was on his own, I think they were always that, you know, dad's on his own. But no, they were they were absolutely fine, and they did take to my partner, they they liked him and because they knew him as well. It wasn't like he just sort of come along, so they just realized we were spending more time together. And and he's one of these where it makes them laugh and he's always a bit of a joker. So that always goes down well with kids when they're little dumped it.

Katie South: 14:37

Yeah, exactly. When did you and your partner tell your stepkids you were in a relationship?

Sally: 14:42

It was probably um a month or so after that. We were conscious of my youngest stepson, um, and kind of him and the understanding of it. But then the older one, so he was 14 at the time, he was quite happy. He was in his own little bubble with his friends, still is a little bit to be fair, because he's he's nearly 20 now. He'd never really known dad have anyone because he'd been single for a few years before he'd met me, he'd been split up with the mum for a while, so I think he were quite like, Oh, you know, dad's got someone, so he was quite positive. And being a boy and a teenager, I imagine is probably a bit different to coming in with a girl who's a teenager, maybe. I don't know.

Katie South: 15:24

Yeah, I mean, research and my client base would agree.

Sally: 15:30

Yeah.

Katie South: 15:30

How did you build a relationship with your younger stepson? Because I have had quite a few emails over the last couple of months from women with neurodiverse stepchildren who are wanting a bit of advice, a bit of support. And it'd be good to understand how you forged that relationship with him.

Sally: 15:50

I've definitely got a bit of a mantra, which is um pick your battles. You know, there's certain things that I just even still now don't take on. That will be my partner's job, if you like, or something that he needs to speak about.

Katie South: 16:06

What's the things?

Sally: 16:07

So sometimes it'll be it can be his reactions to things. So, like, for example, I suppose in in our house we've we've got quite a lot of routines. I've got my children to think about, whereas at his mum's house, he doesn't really have that because there's only them, there's no other children. I do think he's quite used to just doing what he wants to do at times at his mum's house. I've got to be very conscious. If I'm gonna sort of do some of the disciplining, I do it in such a way because I have been known to have a tone before, but you can't have a tone with somebody who is neurodiverse because it just doesn't come across properly. So, whereas I can say to my kids, pack it in, I've got to word things a lot more differently with him, and sometimes a little bit softer. Doesn't always like taking discipline from me, unless I say it in a certain way. Sometimes my partner will just need a little bit of a nudge. You know, it's it's settle-down time now, it's it's it's bedtime, or you need to do this, X, Y, O, Z, and then he'll go and do it. But sometimes he just just needs a little bit of a of a nudge. But yeah, and and very suppose just not taking it personal with him. So there's many a times where I'll I'll really try, you know, I'll I'll bring I'll bring snacks home from supermarket for him that I think he likes. One one week he'll like them, next week he won't. It's like, well, I don't like that. And it'll be like I've done the wrong thing, but I've got to the point now where it's fine, it's not me, it's just you know, it might be that it just don't smell, taste, look right on this particular day. He might have had a bad day at school, just drop it and I don't need to pick that battle today.

Katie South: 17:50

Yeah, I mean the mantra pick your battles, I think's uh just a brilliant piece of life advice.

Sally: 17:56

Yeah, and it you know, it took me a bit of time. There's certain things that you do, you know, like the slamming doors, or and it'd be well, that that's not okay. And like, but we have to deal with it differently. So sometimes we might have to deal with it when he's uh on top form with his medication. So, for example, the medication that he takes, it'll only lasts a certain amount of time. So you've kind of got to balance that with having those conversations that are gonna help him handle a situation better at the right time. There's no point doing it at nine o'clock at night when he's tired. You need to probably be doing it at nine o'clock in the morning when he's ready for his day and his medication's just kicked in because then he'll understand it better. His mind's not all over the place.

Katie South: 18:41

There's a lot. I mean, step-parenting's complicated enough anyway, and this obviously added an extra layer of complexity for you. How did your children relate to your stepson? And did they ever feel or voice that they felt that he was being treated differently?

Sally: 19:00

Yeah, loads. Uh, and that's been the hardest part for me and why we've lived apart for so long, because I've just constantly had my children on my mind and the impact on them. Probably more so when they were really young, you know, there were things picked out that well, he he can do this, or sometimes it were even well, it spoils things because there'd be certain things we'd go and do, and for whatever reason, there'd be, you know, something he didn't like. Take bowling, for example. You know, I would just don't go do things like that because it just turns into something that's spoiled.

Katie South: 19:37

But is that because of kind of all the lights, all the noise, all the overload?

Sally: 19:42

Yeah, massive sensory overload, competition as well. My stepson has got this fear of coming last, uh, and I don't know where that's really come from, but always likes to kind of be winning something or doing well at something. And and I don't know whether that comes from, you know, he hasn't been involved in your typical team things, like football teams, you all that type of stuff. I don't know where that comes from. We can do stuff like that now if with the right prep. I don't love it, I'm not gonna lie. I don't say let's go bowling, because I don't really want to go. But if the kids really want to do that, then we have to set set the stall out before we go. So yeah, there were things like that where my kids, you know, they found that he did spoil things at times. And then my son, because he was only sort of three and four, well, probably more near a four when we introduced properly, just didn't get why he reacted like he did sometimes, why he didn't want to play nicely, or why he didn't always have kind words and all that type of stuff. And that's taken, that's probably only just got better in the last 12 months. So that's taken a long time with the kids. My daughter, um, because she's like 13 now, it's like water off a duck's back with her now. She's really good with him, she understands him. She'll sometimes do your little lie roll or you know, just okay, and just let it go. A bit like me, pick the battles. But yeah, in the first few years, she were only little as well, so she she thought it were a bit of a pain for want of a better word. But but yeah, it definitely were worse when they were younger. That we couldn't have lived together, no chance.

Katie South: 21:19

Yeah, I was interested in that. So you mentioned that you guys lived separately for a long time. Tell us a little bit about that.

Sally: 21:28

Yeah, well, we tried to live together, actually. We we did actually both sell up. Now that's a bit of a nightmare. Um, it's put me off ever wanting to move house ever again. We both sold up, it fell through, and it was like I do sometimes say that things happen for a reason, and when it fell through, there were all sorts of different things with the with the kids, and I remember thinking I'm gonna leave it a little bit longer. Let's just say separate for now. This this ain't gonna work. They were too young, and it were quite quick, really, probably after we'd after we'd met. So we left it another, probably another two years. Started spending our weekends with the kids together, so like you know, we'd probably have our Fridays sort of separate and with our kids, but then on a Saturday night we'd bring it all together.

Katie South: 22:15

And you mentioned your children's biological dad and obviously your stepchildren's biological mum. So were you coinciding on schedules? Did you did you both have your kids on the same weekends and then not have your kids the following weekends?

Sally: 22:31

Yeah, we did, we did actually. That worked quite well, especially when my other half got into a routine and actually, you know, knew what he were doing.

Katie South: 22:39

Yeah, so you had that time, so you had that time as a couple to really get to know each other and connect, and then I guess go back to your other houses and your kids and not to devalue the wonderful experience of having kids, but go back to the daily grind.

Sally: 22:55

Yeah, and you know, I I look now and I think those Saturday nights sometimes were carnage, awful. He'd leave on a Sunday morning, we wouldn't speak. Sometimes he'd leave on a Saturday diet, do you know, blow up beds and out of routine for my stepson? Nightmare. But by that point, when I look back, we weren't in a good space with the medication, we'd not got it right at that point. When I think about some of the meltdowns he did have, I kind of get it now because we wouldn't put ourselves in that position now, but we had to we had to learn from it. So, you know, even even just like having a takeaway or a meal together, we can't do that together because he can only have beige food, so we'll all eat the same thing and he'll eat well chicken, nuggets and chips. So it's uh yeah, it were definitely the right thing for us to stay living apart for that long because then what we've done since we've come together, um, I feel like we've planned it out properly and done it in the right way.

Katie South: 24:04

Yeah, and I'd love I'd love to talk about that a bit more. I'm interested as well. How did your older stepchild find the coming together of the two families?

Sally: 24:12

Yeah, and it's a bit of a a bit of a strange one for him because he he's got himself a I mean we've only lived together for just short of 18 months now. So not long at all. And they've moved into my house in Inverted Commas, which is now their house, but was mine, you know, in my own right before. I I did recognise that that will have been tough because he felt like he was moving into something already established. Um but the kids have been have been great. I've never ever heard that it's my house. Never, ever. And I don't know if that's because we've changed the house so much, so it doesn't necessarily feel like it it was the old house. One of the first things my other half said, he said, if we're gonna move in, then we need to put an extension on and we need to give everybody their own space.

Katie South: 25:05

Yeah.

Sally: 25:06

Which is what we've been lucky enough to do, which is which is great. But my eldest, obviously, he's 20 this year. So he's got himself a girlfriend, got himself a job, and got an apartment with her as well. So he kind of comes between houses, he'll live with his girlfriend most of the time, and then he'll it comes once a week now. So he'll have a night here, he'll go to his mum's. We always joke about his living out of a bag. Um, you know, he'll come here and you wonder how he's got his own house because he still is as messy as anything, leave all his towels and everything out.

Katie South: 25:39

I was just thinking, a 20-year-old probably quite likes living out of a bag because they don't ever have to do any of the tidying up anywhere.

Sally: 25:44

No, I know, and he doesn't, but you know what? When I see him now, obviously he's he's got a job, he's a little bit more mature. When he comes, we actually have a proper catch-up and a proper chat because he's uh he don't come very often.

Katie South: 27:08

When you were talking about how actually, when they moved in and they all had their own space, your children hadn't kind of said, Well, this is my house. And I think sometimes actually the moving in together can be more helpful than spending all your time together, but not living together. So I kind of think the moving in bit did help in a lot of ways, and you had a chance to plan like for how you wanted that to be, especially with your stepson who was going to find some of the things more of a challenge.

Sally: 27:38

Yeah, and and I think you know that don't take away it's a massive transition, isn't it? Like I don't think I did realize how big a thing it was from living on my own for four plus years. Um, but yeah, in in terms of the the routine and the the meltdowns are definitely less, it's home, so he can just take himself off to his own room, which sometimes I need him to do because it can all get a little bit consuming, as you can imagine, especially when they're all here.

Katie South: 28:08

That's the other thing, isn't it? About when you bring two families together, it's like suddenly there's so many more pairs of shoes to find a home for in the hallway, and you know, just so much more stuff. And dinner times you kind of think, fuck, am I gonna have to like create an actual menu for all these different kids' preferences? And you've obviously you're talking about your stepson. So it does it's not to say it's easy by any stretch of the imagination, particularly if you're, you know, I was by myself with my son before, as you were with your children. You kind of got your groove, you know what you're doing, you've just got your kind of nice little routine going on. So yeah, so it's it's really nice to hear that your stepson has now been able to get himself into a nice routine. I wondered if you would be able to share any advice for other stepmums who are going through some of the challenges that are possibly unique to having a neurodiverse stepchild or stepchild with additional needs.

Sally: 29:04

Yeah, I think definitely, definitely talking about it with my other half because there's been times in in these last few years where we've not, and I've like let things fester, um, and especially kind of overthought how I feel about things, and and not until I've actually said it out loud to him that I've realized that we can kind of do it together and and just challenge the status quo sometimes. I mean, he'll have told me so many times, well, it is like this because of this, and you know, this makes him like this. But does it though? Is that just something you've always just accepted to make your life easier? Uh, and some of it is, some of it is because of how he is, but some of it you don't need to always be that way, you don't always need to have that conflict, and sometimes sitting down and talking to him about it, and and actually sometimes calling out that that behaviour because I can't just I cannot be pussyfooting round everybody in my house. You know, you just can't, can you? So sometimes it's got to be this is how I feel. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I need you to help me do something about it. So definitely communication. I mean, he's he's never been a talker, but he says, he says, you've made me a talker. So uh sometimes needs a bit of a push, but yeah, you just gotta, and I think sometimes it helps me to say it out loud how I feel. So you know, I'm finding him really challenging to my other half sometimes, and he'll go, Yeah, I know I understand. And sometimes just knowing that he's finding it hard helps me because I think, well, he's your sons. If you're finding it hard, I'm quite valid in uh how I'm feeling then.

Katie South: 30:52

Yeah, definitely. It's it's I mean, it's hard all the time. It's really great as well that you have got that with your partner where you can both say it and also with his mum as well.

Sally: 31:05

Can now, yeah, definitely gone through. Times where I bit my tongue so hard it hurts, you know.

Katie South: 31:13

I've accidentally pissed my tongue. Any other words of wisdom that you have?

Sally: 31:19

I think I have had so many friends and family who have said to me, You're mad. You're mad. Yeah, I would have walked away. I would have walked away. But they were just something, and we still sit now, like we were planning some wedding songs the other night. And we were like, I can't believe we've got here, you know. I can't believe it. And we we don't for one minute imagine that it's gonna be easy just because we're getting married. God know. We know that my daughter will be next one because she's 13, she's gonna keep us awake at night. I know she is, but I think that's the thing, he'll sort of say she'll keep us awake because we're a team. You know, I do I do pick my battles still, uh, I don't get involved in everything. I know I've listened to quite a few of your podcasts where you know there's mums sort of saying, we've got to stay in our lane, but then we're expected to do all this other stuff. And I do all the nice things for him, you know. I'll make sure all his uniforms ironed and I'll make sure he I find out if he's had a good day at school and I'll take him to places with me and the kids, but then there's certain things that I I just leave to my other half. If he's not eating something, and I think he should be, you know, just try and just you know, does it really matter in grand scheme of things, some of it? And when you've got a routine with your kids, like you said, you've got used to being with your kids for for years, you've got a routine, they eat with a knife and fork, all that normal stuff, and then suddenly you've got someone coming in who don't really push those sorts of boundaries. Then I've just had to learn to let some of it go.

Katie South: 32:51

Yeah, I think that's so key because I look at some of the things that used to really bother me with my stepdaughters, and when they first came into my life, they were sort of similar age to my youngest two children now, similar. And I definitely still think that they're really important because I see myself pushing them with the younger kids, but I do wish I hadn't pushed them with my stepdaughters because I think it, you know, was it necessary that I made the meat, those vegetables? No, like actually, I probably should have focused and and I and it came from a place of wanting the best for them, like wanting them to be healthy. And I know that their mum cares about healthy eating as well, so there was a kind of consistency across both houses, but actually it just made it harder for me to form that relationship. But at the time it was done with good intention, my son was a similar age. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I look back same as you, and I think that would be a battle I would not fight again.

Sally: 33:59

Yeah, definitely.

Katie South: 34:01

Just did me gave me more stress and probably made them think more negatively of me.

Sally: 34:08

I think sometimes it's a case of oh, yeah, she comes with the rules again, she wants me to do something else that I don't want to do. Um like the bedroom thing, I like the bedrooms tighter, but I just shut door on it now. I you know, it'll be why it'll be, won't it? It'll tidy it, just maybe not at my uh not in my expectations.

Katie South: 34:26

Yeah, and you're you're so right. Because I'll say, so my son's 13, and I'll just say to him, without shred of guilt or shred shred of worry, you've got to hang up your clothes tonight and tidy a room before you do anything else after you get home from school. Well, sometimes I might say, right, you can go and kick a football around in the garden, get rid of your sort of physical energy that you need to burn off, and then you need to go tidy a room, and I will make it happen. But I can I can totally see why with a stepchild it's it's maybe not worth it.

Sally: 34:56

Yeah.

Katie South: 34:57

At least you can shut the door.

Sally: 34:59

Well, this is it. I'll slam it. No, I'm only joking.

Katie South: 35:04

I think we've all mentally slammed the door. Yeah, sometimes I'll I'll kind of close the door and I'll be like, ah, but that can be with any any of the children in my life, the little darling that we are. So look, it's been so lovely to talk to you, and yeah, just thank you so much for your time, Sally. It was so nice to talk to you. And good luck with the wedding.

Sally: 35:27

Thank you. Thanks very much, Katie. Lovely to meet you and speak to you and chat about something that people are obviously asking you about. So yeah, they definitely are, so I'm sure it'll be super helpful. Lovely. Thanks, take care.

Katie South: 35:41

Thank you, Sally. It was so great talking to you. There is a space on the forum now for step-parenting neurodiverse children. So if you're in this situation, please do reach out there for support from others in the same boat. You can find everything you need at www.stepmumspace.com. Stepmotherhood can be so isolating, and there's nothing quite like talking to somebody else who gets it. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do rate a review wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps others find us, and please spread the word amongst your Stepmum friends. If you've got a story you'd like to share, please get in touch via the website stepmomspace.com or on the socials at Stepmum Space. I'll be back next week with another new story. See you next time.