Episode 48: When Stepmum Life Turns You Upside Down: A Real Conversation with a Stepmum Coach

For stepmum support, tools, workshops and coaching, visit: https://stepmumspace.com

Episode Summary

If you’re a stepmum who’s struggling — feeling torn, exhausted or unsure of your place — this episode is for you.

Katie is joined by Kristin, a stepmum to four, mum to one, and a life coach who supports stepmums across the US. Together, they talk honestly about the emotional weight of stepfamily life: the moments that feel too much, the ones that feel invisible, and the ones that make you question everything.

This is a grounded, real, deeply validating conversation about what stepmum life actually feels like behind the scenes.

In This Episode We Explore

• What to do when your values clash with “the other house”
• How to know when to step in with your stepkids — and when to step back
• Why messy emotions (jealousy, resentment, anxiety) are completely normal
• Feeling invisible or sidelined in your own home
• The pressure to “be fine” when you’re anything but
• Why community and coaching can make stepmum life feel lighter
• What stepmums wish they’d known sooner
• The small mindset shifts that change everything

These topics reflect some of the most common things stepmums search online when they feel overwhelmed, lost or alone.

If This Resonates
For personalised support and tools tailored to your situation, book a free intro coaching call:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

Learn more about Katie’s experience and approach:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com

Who This Episode Is For

• Stepmums feeling stuck, overwhelmed or unseen
• Anyone navigating clashing values or parenting styles
• Women unsure of their place in the family system
• Stepmums who’ve felt guilt, resentment or emotional overload
• Listeners looking for honest, grounded stepmum advice
• Anyone searching for stepmum support that actually understands the reality

Keywords
stepmum support, struggling stepmum, stepfamily dynamics, co-parenting conflict, stepmum boundaries, emotional overwhelm, life coach for stepmums, blended family advice, stepmum podcast

Helpful Links
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

You’re not alone. There is support, there are tools, and your feelings make complete sense.

Transcript

Katie South: 0:01

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmom Life. So whether you've been a stepmom for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. My guest today is Kristen. Kristen is a stepmother to four and a mother to one and a fellow coach, working predominantly with stepmums in the US. Kristen and I covered all sorts in this chat, from resentment to managing clashes with the other households, to building relationships with your stepkids, knowing when to step in and when to step back and a lot more. I really hope you enjoyed the conversation and please remember if you are struggling, you are not alone. There's plenty of resources, including tailored one-to-one support, available at stepmumspace.com or on the socials at StepmumSpace. Here's Kristen. So, Kristen, I'm so happy to have you here today, all the way from the west coast of the US. How are you?

Kristin: 1:12

Yes, Katie, I'm really thrilled to be here. Um, I'm doing really well. It is a very uh warm and humid day in San Diego where we live.

Katie South: 1:22

I'm really excited to talk to you. And what's so brilliant is that through the podcast and and everything else that we're doing, we're just connecting all these people across the world who are going through all the same emotions, and it's just brilliant to help people know that they are normal. Yes, and not alone, right? Exactly. So I always feel a special if ever I meet anyone in any sort of walk of life and find out they're a stepmom, I'm like, we've got a connection.

Kristin: 1:49

I feel you on that, yes. So why don't you tell us a little bit about your family then? Sure. So I have um four stepkids, and we uh right now we see them every other week. So it's 50-50 custody is the agreement. And I have a husband, we've been married about five years, and we just recently, about two years ago, um adopted a daughter. Uh so we have a almost two-year-old as well together. And how old are your stepkids? So the youngest is 10 and then 11, 13, and 15.

Katie South: 2:31

Wowzers. Yeah. And I'm just gonna do my best bit of math. So when you guys met, they must have been what three, four, six, and eight.

Kristin: 2:43

Yeah, so they were pretty little. Like, especially the younger ones were very little when they met.

Katie South: 2:49

I mean, oh my god, is the first thing that comes to mind? Like a lot of children, I know. You must have really liked this guy when you met him.

Kristin: 3:01

Yeah, you know, and it was I I I sort of feel like you never really can say what it's going to be like until you're, you know, you're in the situation. And I had actually, so I have three younger sisters. So I grew up in a household of four. So I wasn't really intimidated by the number of kids per se. So to me, that didn't feel like that big of a deal, like the the the fact that there were four kids because of the family that I grew up in. But I feel like with so many, you know, blended and so many of the women I talked to, sometimes they're like, Yeah, we have six kids between the two of us or seven, you know, it's just I had one person who I worked with who had 11 children between her kids, like her biological children and her spouse's biological kids. You know, that to me, that I was like, wow, that's just that's too much.

Katie South: 3:53

11's like a whole different mode of transport, right?

Kristin: 3:56

Exactly, right? Yeah.

Katie South: 3:58

It's really funny actually. I was out yesterday with um my husband and two stepdaughters and two of our kids, and we saw these pair of swans come out of the river, and they had all these little signets, like maybe 11 or 12 of them. And I said, I bet they're a stepfamily of swans. There's just so many of them. Like I do quite often think when I see big families, I'm like, I wonder maybe we should go to strike up a conversation with her, check she's okay. Right? Yeah, exactly. So, how how was it when you first met your husband and started this journey?

Kristin: 4:35

So, my husband is in the US military, so he, you know, he gets stationed in different parts of the country. So at the time when I met him, he actually was stationed on the opposite side of the US, opposite from his kids. So when I met him, he was just like, Yeah, you know, I have kids from a previous relationship. I have four of them. And my first reaction was probably like, well, that's a lot of children. But really, we did have that chance, which is maybe unique. Maybe this isn't normally how it happens for most people, but we did have a chance to kind of get to know each other without really being too involved, at least on my end, in the kids' lives. Once we got engaged and then married, they started, um, you know, when they would come out for their visits to him during their breaks and their summer vacations and stuff. It it felt fun because it was like we're on holiday and you know, we can go explore all the museums and go to the zoo and go to the playgrounds. We didn't have to sort of worry about the day to day of, you know, did you do your math homework and what time is your you know, physical therapy appointment? And are we gonna drive, you know, poor kids to all their different activities and schools and collaborate between homes? So it felt easier, I would say, when we were further apart in terms of logistics. I know for my husband, of course, it wasn't.

Katie South: 5:57

And in that situation, so he was working in San Diego where you live.

Kristin: 6:03

No, so he was working on in Washington, DC. So he was away from the kids were in San Diego. The kids have always been in San Diego for a long time. He was in Washington, D.C., and that's where I was working and living at that time. Okay, okay.

Katie South: 6:19

Yes, and then the kids would come out to him, you know, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, summertime. I guess in the early days, kind of it was quite an infrequent contact. How was your relationship with them in the beginning?

Kristin: 6:35

I guess it wasn't something that I honestly thought too much about, in the sense that I looked at it as we're just getting to know each other. Like I think I let my husband at the time, right? Because I think we were married when they started visiting our shared home. Um, I let him do most of the parenting. So I was sort of like teasing into it, letting letting the relationship unfold however it needed to unfold at the time. And I'm sure there were hard moments, but I feel like the more challenging thing was us agreeing on how we were going to work as a team when the kids were with us. That's where I remember the most disagreements that were happening, and I think that's when I started to get more into exploring coaching as a resource for myself first and foremost to kind of help with the dynamic in our in our marriage, primarily.

Katie South: 7:41

And what sort of things were going on at that time between you and your husband?

Kristin: 7:45

I think that I was feeling very unappreciated, and I really wanted him to like verbalize that I was doing a good job, that he was being appreciative of how much I was helping out, how much I was supporting him as a parent. So we argued about that a lot until we finally realized like we just both have different ways of expressing appreciation, and both of them are okay. You know, that's what kind of resolve thing for us, to be quite honest.

Katie South: 8:22

Yeah, it's so interesting to learn about how the other person handles stuff.

Kristin: 8:26

I think that that a lot of people really struggle with being so different from their partners, and also accepting the the idea that both of us are doing our best, even though we're different, and it's okay for us to have different ways of being, and it doesn't make one person wrong and the other person right, or you know, vice versa. But that's not an easy understanding to come to, I think, for a lot of us.

Katie South: 8:54

Yeah, and I think when particularly in parenting, and often, you know, I'm sure we both experience conversations with women who parent differently to their partners, and it is very much like you can have different views on parenting, but it doesn't mean you think the other person's a bad parent. That's just not how you would do it. And I know that comes up for for me a lot when we first met, we didn't parent in the same way, and it and it does create a few challenges. So I'm not surprised that you and your husband had a few arguments about that.

Kristin: 9:29

Yeah, and it was wasn't even about the parenting, it was more like how he was relating to me in the relationship. Like if I was stepping in as a parent figure, right, in this relationship with his kids, it's like I wanted acknowledgement for that, I wanted recognition for that, you know. Um, and I wanted him to verbalize it to me. But I think, you know, again, the difference between us maybe and other folks who've experienced this is that I didn't come in with any kids and I didn't have a lot of like strong ideas about how to raise a child, right? So I was just more like, okay, let's watch how he does it and see if I agree. And usually, you know, I was I was pretty on board because at the time I was like, well, these are his kids first and foremost, you know, and unless I see like something egregious, I'm not gonna step in. But usually I was pretty on board with whatever he was doing. But even like with our own daughter, you know, I would say that's changed, right? We have more, not a ton, but more like disagreements on how we think we should raise her because we're more, you know, I'm more invested, right? It's she's my like actually my daughter. I'm not um, I'm not legally responsible, right? For my stepkids. So for me, the dynamics are a little bit different in our home specifically.

Katie South: 10:51

Just to circle back to your stepmom journey. So you've met this guy in Washington, his kids live in San Diego. I mean, that's a long way. So us UK folk aren't generally that good at US geography, but it's far.

Kristin: 11:04

Yeah, it's on the opposite sides of the country.

Katie South: 11:08

And not the size of the UK country, right? So right.

Kristin: 11:11

It's like, yeah, I'm sure it's like from the UK to like, I don't know, Tajikistan or something. It's a whole different timeline.

Katie South: 11:20

Yeah. And so they're over there. You like this guy, it's serious enough that you're gonna meet his kids, but at some point you've relocated. So take us through that. What happened there?

Kristin: 11:31

Well, so again, with his role in the military, right, they get to decide where he's going to be, essentially. And I think that they prioritized getting him back with his kids, and there happened to be an opening at the base in San Diego. So that's where they sent him. So I kind of knew going into the relationship that I would be moving around, which I was fine with as long as I could continue doing what I wanted to do in terms of a career.

Katie South: 12:00

The practicalities of moving to San Diego sounded pretty okay. I guess making that move meant a change in the schedule with the kids.

Kristin: 12:09

Exactly. It made a change, a huge change in custody, right? And that's where I think more of the challenges started to arise, and not necessarily between like my husband and I, but really between the across the two households. And I do want to be clear, like I do feel like we are, I'm thinking about my clients. Like, I feel like our relationship that we have with the with the other home, with the other set of parents is is like respectful and amicable, but we still disagree a ton on how to raise the kids. And I honestly think like today, looking at things today, that's where the most friction is. It's not even regarding the kiddos themselves, but it's really between households, right? And how to be respectful when we are so different in terms of our philosophies and ideas about how to raise the kiddos. Tell me a bit more about that. You know, I think that when we look across the homes, like my husband and I are much more laid back, we're much more easygoing. We like to allow the kids to have more freedom and therefore like more responsibilities, right? So we're kind of I guess more easygoing in that sense. And and I think the other household just wants to be more involved. I genuinely don't think either of us are wrong. But I think that there's a lot of um just it causes friction when we're so different. And I believe, like when it comes to the kiddos, like if they come to me and they say, you know, it's really hard to have different rules or different expectations across homes, I'm like, yeah, it is. Like it is hard. You know what? You're gonna be okay, even if it is challenging to have different rules across different homes. We're both doing a good job. Both homes are doing a great job. We don't need to agree.

Katie South: 14:03

And you know what? It's really great that they feel that they can tell you that they find that hard.

Kristin: 14:10

Yeah, yeah, it is, it's cool, right? Because that's part of the the space that we try to create here at home is like all of your emotions are welcome, you know, no matter what it is. And I just see my job is to validate them.

Katie South: 14:29

Yeah, you know. What else is interesting is that you can look at the other house and say they're so different, but they're doing a a really good job. And I think that's probably something that a lot of people struggle with is when the other house does things so so differently. And yeah, the stepmom doesn't agree with what's going on in the other house, doesn't think it's in the best interest of the child.

Kristin: 14:56

And I think there are like genuine examples where maybe there's nothing you can do legally about what's happening at the other home, but it's probably not the best, right? And I do think that's really hard. So that's why I feel like our situation is hard. It's hard to have so much friction in terms of like how we parent the kids across our two homes, but I still know that nobody's like harming the kids, but I think when there's, you know, maybe you suspect emotional harm, right? Which is especially in the US, that tends to be really hard to um address in the court system that that is true, that it's it's not okay. And and as the stepmom, especially, it sucks to not be able to do very much.

Katie South: 15:43

Yeah. And I think, you know, I've learned a lot through this journey and talking to lots of different women on the podcast because the bar for neglect has to be so horrific for kind of the police or the social services to get involved. So, you know, I was chatting to a woman the other week who was in a situation where, you know, the stepkids at mum's house that they're not cared for, you know, they're not looked after in a way that you or I would call properly. But she said to me, you know, I'm a police officer. I know the police won't get involved because actually the kids get fed and they're not being beaten, you know? And it's like so I think in those situations it's so difficult. So can you share a little bit about the sort of conflict you experience?

Kristin: 16:30

So I think like our one of our biggest things is like how many activities the children are involved in at any given time. You know, my husband and I, we both are pretty busy with our respective jobs, and especially with him in the military, like he has zero flexibility if they tell him he has to go into work. He has to go into work. You know, he's not treated as a normal like civilian would be at a regular employer. So he has very little flexibility when he's scheduled. And so what that means is that we just have less time to drive the children everywhere. And when they're here with us on our weeks, that's five kids. We're covering the needs of five different children. And so it's really a question of if it were up to us, we would probably have all the kiddos in less sports activities, not not saying they don't do anything at all, but less activities, maybe more coordinated activities, maybe going to the same gym facility or whatever, all at the same time. If we could work that out, but instead it's like this kid's here and this kid's here and this kid's here and this kid's over here. So I think that just makes it complicated. And that's like a constant source of um, I would say, tension is how many and which activities the kiddos are going to be in. And then the other thing is how involved we are in making sure, especially the older kiddos, get their homework done, right? Again, like we're much more hands off when it comes to that, not to say that we won't offer any help or support. I'm not saying that at all, but we're much more hands off. And I think the other home tends to be much more hands-on. And so there's some tension and friction around that as well, you know. So these aren't like, you know, nobody's gonna get seriously injured or severely psychologically damaged because of these conflicts, but it's just annoying. It's annoying to have different ideas and to always have an argument about it, and not to say that there's always an argument, but it does come up from time to time. And and like in my role, I mainly try to stay out of it. Like, I really do let my husband, you know, speak with his ex about what the conflict is, how they're gonna resolve it. And normally it's not that there's no resolution, it's just like they hear each other out and we just keep doing what we think is best, and they just keep doing what they think is best.

Katie South: 18:47

My older son's 13. I'm definitely on the hands-off approach on homework, and it's not it's not that I don't care, it's that I think you're 13, you need to, you know, they all have it on an app now, they can see what homework they you know need doing. But then I'm quite lucky because he's quite diligent, so he doesn't need me to micromanage him. In terms of kind of you and and the birth, mom, is there a relationship there at all?

Kristin: 19:13

Yeah, I mean, like I said, like we we have met in person, just her and I, a few times to get to know each other, to you know, talk. I don't I don't even remember because this was a while ago when we when we like first moved here. We met a couple a handful of times. And I think that if we really had something important to say to the other person, we would. Um, we've talked on the phone, we were like cordial to each other, we're respectful. I'm hands-off with homework. I'm also hands-off with her, and I really don't try to meddle with what she wants to do as a parent. Like, I do really try my best to be respectful, even if I don't always agree. And I don't, it's like I don't need to tell her all the time that I don't agree. Like, I just don't see a point in doing that. But I think if there was anything really huge that she had a problem with, she would reach out to me.

Katie South: 20:06

I would definitely be receptive to that. What's your relationship like with each of your stepkids now?

Kristin: 21:20

Yeah, I mean, I feel like we're pretty, we're pretty close. It's really nice, like, you know, they all have different likes and personalities. It's really nice to like one of my youngest stepdaughters, she's very skilled at watching and like helping out with our daughter. So that's really nice to have all that extra help. So we have kind of like a special bond around my daughter, right? Her sibling. And you know, some of the other kiddos. I'm trying to think one of them has like a really goofy sense of humor. So like we really connect on that. The other one is, you know, a little quieter. Um, but I feel like I'm the person he'll come to when he's like feeling really down. Um, so that's really nice. And then the oldest, I mean, you know, he's 15, right? So he's really like getting up there, he's really becoming much more mature, and we have a really good bond, I would say. Like we're very respectful. It's not to say we don't get in fights or arguments, but like we, if we make a mistake, like we'll both apologize, you know, because he's a teenager and like all teenagers, right? They they love their independence, they love they think that they're right all the time, and you know, absolutely, right? But we do we respect each other, and I think that's been the thing for me, and I know this isn't always true for like all stepmoms. So when people are listening to this, I really want them to know that if my situation is different from theirs, there's nothing wrong with them. But I really do think with me and these kiddos, like they have for the most part always been pretty respectful towards me. And also, I feel like welcoming, right? Maybe not so explicit as like, we're so excited and thrilled that you're marrying our father, right? But they've never actively showed you know hostility or tried to exclude me or been aggressive in terms of my role and my relationship with their dad, which again I think means I'm lucky. You know, it's still it's challenging, right? Because it takes work to build those relationships. Even in relatively good and like relatively peaceful conditions, it's hard, right? So I really feel for especially the people who don't have the benefit of those things, because it makes it that much harder to build a successful relationship with those kiddos.

Katie South: 23:46

Yeah, being a stepmom, it's a bit like you're in a sailboat, and like even when the sea's really, really calm and the sun's shining and you've got all the equipment you need on the boat, it's still quite a lot of work to sail a sailboat. And then if you add in like a rough tide of an ex or a storm of a hormonal stepchild or whatever it might be, like you add in all those elements and then the ship becomes harder to sail, right? So it's always hard.

Kristin: 24:17

Yeah, a hundred percent, right? Like it is, it is always challenging. And you're right, like different external conditions make it more challenging. And I I feel like I can't stress that enough that I think especially, and I don't know if this if you notice this too where you are, but I feel like in the US we very much tend to blame ourselves for a lot of the things that aren't going well in our families. Yep, 100%. But it's not just us, like especially in our role as stepmoms, like there's so many complicated dynamics, you know, that really can make things more challenging or less challenging.

Katie South: 24:58

Yeah, I was chatting to a lady the other day about this because it was saying it's almost like another one of those circles. So when you become a mother, there are lots and lots of resources available to you and lots of people talking quite honestly about the difficult parts. Yeah. But when you become a stepmother, nobody really talks about the difficult parts or the complicated emotions. So when you feel them, you're like, oh shit, it's me.

Kristin: 25:25

You're like, I'm evil, right? You it's like you become evil, yeah, right? But it's not it's not true. You're just a human being having like some emotions because things are so hard, because no one could have ever prepared you for this family that you're about to or that you are right in the middle of, yeah, or that you're about to join, or whatever.

Katie South: 25:51

Do you have in the US do people kind of say, Oh, you knew what you were getting into?

Kristin: 25:56

Oh yeah. They do, and they still even, you know, so I'm a coach and I'm on social media, and and people still make comments to me publicly, right? Not they're not privately messaging me about this. They're publicly saying, Well, like, don't be a stepmom, or yeah, you knew what you were getting into.

Katie South: 26:14

I mean, I can't obviously anybody listening won't be able to see me kind of furiously shaking my head and rolling my eyes. But like, oh my god. I I was, I don't know, I wasn't hoping it was just confined to the UK, but it's such a crazy thing to say. You know, someone has a hard day at work, you don't kind of say, Oh, you knew what you were getting into when you took a job.

Kristin: 26:36

Yeah, it's very like there's like some fairy tales and stuff that are like centuries old that you know vilify the stepmom, right? So I really do think that this is like, and then you know, today, even in our media, even on TV nowadays, most days, stepmoms are cast, at least in like the US, as like wicked. So it's really like ingrained in our society, and it makes us feel ashamed for like resenting our stepkids or resenting our decision to marry somebody with kids or dreading when they come to our home, right? Their home, their second home, or whatever, however, however, we refer to that, right? It makes us feel ashamed, and that makes us push those emotions down, and and then we feel even more alone because we don't know that it's not just us and that there's nothing wrong with us for feeling that way.

Katie South: 27:31

Yeah, and the shame that people carry around can eat you up.

Kristin: 27:36

It does because it literally makes you hide from yourself, from your family, and it it it depletes you energetically. You're you're more tired, you don't sleep as well, you have less ability to focus and concentrate, right? Like there's all these ripple effects of being in that space.

Katie South: 27:56

Yeah, and again, I I don't know what it's like in the US, maybe the same, but the research in the UK kind of shows that step moms suffer twice the mental health conditions of biological or adoptive mothers.

Kristin: 28:08

Yep. Same, it's the exact same. It's hard. It is we're not making this up.

Katie South: 28:16

That's it. I'm like, fact, it's harder. Yes. Science tells you it's harder. And the way that the media plays out stepmums is just, oh god, it makes me it makes our job harder. Yeah, yeah. I mean, even the other day, so my my youngest child came home with a book from school, Cinderella. It was a modern book, I could tell from the sort of the cover and the language and the way the way the illustrations were done. And I kind of opened it and I thought, oh, this is gonna be like they might talk about a wicked aunt or something. I don't know. I just was hopeful. And I opened it and I read it, and it was still the same. The wicked stepmother did this, this, that, and the other. I was like, right, email the school. Please could you have some more inclusive family literature that you're sending home, you know?

Kristin: 29:03

Yeah, like one that paints the stepmom as like most of us, right? Like the majority of us who are kind, right, nurturing, who really do care about our stepkids, right? But we it's like we're put under this microscope or like this magnifying glass. And everything we do, it feels like sometimes can be scrutinized and is criticized and is not in the best interest of the kids. Like it's just a it's a really in my mind, I'm like, it's just it's just such a gross double standard.

Katie South: 29:34

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't agree more. It's very much you know, put the kids first, put the kids first, and then with your biological children or your adoptive children, it's like you need a break, you need to relax, put yourself first.

Kristin: 29:48

Like what? Why why are stepmoms supposed to be martyrs? You know, that's because that's what that's what the expectations are. But but why? You know, what in what world does that make sense?

Katie South: 30:02

None. And then you think about actually you want to be a good role model for your stepkids, you need to have some of yourself. Yeah, it's it's a lot, so it's it's no surprise that women find it harder, and I'm just really comforted and saddened to know that it's global, the feeling.

Kristin: 30:22

Yeah, it is, and you know, I was thinking even as we're talking, I I did, I spent the first three to four years of my marriage wondering if I was bad, if I was wrong as a parent, which now I feel like thanks to a lot of coaching and therapy, I feel like I'm a completely different person. But even me, right, in my head, I'm like, my husband has an amicable relationship with his ex. Like the kids, they're not like actively trying to ruin my life or our marriage. You know, I have all of these quote unquote good conditions, and I still heard, you know, that internalized voice from society shaming me for every mistake I made as a parent or telling me, you know, you don't need a break because. You're a stepmom, right? Like, so even me, I suffered from that. So I want, I just feel like it's so important to recognize that that it may not matter um lucky you are, so to speak, in terms of the conditions of your blended family or your stepfamily. It can happen to anybody, any one of us can have these doubts, and it's not our fault. It's programs that we have internalized from society, from the media.

Katie South: 31:37

I think that whole kind of mentality of not giving ourselves a break, feeling like we have to carry on going, is fighting against the whole wicked stepmother, I'm evil thing. You know, you kind of think, no, I must do better, I must do better, and don't listen to your body. You don't, you know, I look back, I got myself in such a state, and I didn't ever rest. And I would always be onto something, and quite frankly, taking on things that weren't my responsibility to take on.

Kristin: 32:07

Yeah, yeah. I'm I'm thinking of a lot of the women I've worked with who come to me feeling like so resentful. And and really what what we do when they feel that way is like we recalibrate. Like, what are your needs? You know, what do you need right now? And I think even me, as I take away all these layers of shame from my own self, I become more, I become clearer in what it is I need. A lot more um, you know, breaks. And I have worked very hard to not beat myself up for that. It's not easy when you don't have somebody or a group of people validating you, you know, that you need that too, just because you're a stepmom doesn't make you like suddenly superhuman.

Katie South: 32:57

So I'm interested in hearing a little bit more about your daughter and how the relationship's been since she came into your life with her siblings.

Kristin: 33:08

Yes. So we decided, we made the decision to adopt, and then normally, like with the agency that we worked with, they said it's gonna be about two years, maybe a year, right? Average wait time might be a year. We actually got picked pretty early on, which was a bit of a shock. And the birth mom who did pick me and my husband at the time was like she must have been 33 weeks pregnant. So we had like it's a very quick turnaround. Wow. So we so we had had, I think, one conversation with the kids where we were like, we are going to adopt like this, this is the general timeline. And you know, they they told us all of their feelings. They were mainly worried about how much attention they would get from us, and then um, when we told them that the this little baby was gonna come into our lives, again, I think they were just scared of being left alone or not having as much attention, and we were just kind of like, yeah, like I mean, you may get less attention because babies are really needy, but we still love you, you know.

Katie South: 34:16

Like we laugh about it, and there, and yes, it is really, really important to bear in mind the emotions of stepkids when other children come into the family, yeah. But in every family across the globe, when an extra child comes into the family, the existing children get less attention, like yeah, they're yeah, it just happens, right?

Kristin: 34:38

And it's and it's okay. We told them like it's okay that you feel this way. And then once they were introduced to her, as soon as we brought her home from the hospital, I think they came and visited her maybe the next night or something like that. So I think that's when they realized because they're a bit older than her, you know. The youngest at the time was eight. I think just like holding something so small and fragile, you know, that really felt for them it was very touching. And and they have they do enjoy her. Um, you know, she's still at the age where she's not yet drawing huge tantrums and you know it'll come. Anything like that, right? So she's still like very like sweet and cute and can't really talk that well. So they do they feel protective of her, they do enjoy like playing with her. If I'm if I'm making dinner and my husband's not here, you know, they'll help me, like they'll play with her in the next room or something like that. So they're very helpful. And I don't mean we haven't checked in about it in a while, but they haven't said anything about like we don't want her here or whatever. If anything, they they seem excited to see her, they're always like commenting on how big she is. So that's actually gone again really well. And again, I don't think this is because my husband and I are like the most amazing parents on the planet. I think it's just because it worked out that way for us. But I know it doesn't always work out for everybody that way.

Katie South: 36:03

It doesn't always work out, but more often than not, I do hear that the addition of a sibling is a positive thing.

Kristin: 36:11

Yeah, yeah.

Katie South: 36:13

Have your feelings towards your stepchildren changed at all since you became a mother yourself?

Kristin: 36:19

It's a good question. Um I think that what it has helped me with actually is being more empathetic towards their mom. If my husband and I were separated and I had to see, you know, my daughter every other week and I couldn't have as much, you know, say in certain things as I wanted, like you know, I would struggle with that, you know. I would definitely struggle with that because I love to be in charge and I love to be in control. So I think that's what it's helped me do. And I think I think it has helped me, I guess it's sort of reinforced the idea in my head that it's important that I keep a relationship with these children for the sake of my daughter, right? For their sibling, so that she can have a relationship with them, you know, whatever that might look like. Maybe that's I don't know, I I feel and I it's hard to say if this is because of her or just because of the years, but I feel like I'm again much more like as the years go by, I'm more patient. I'm more like selective in what you know battles I pick, so to speak, with my stepkids. And unless something's like really unsafe, you know, or they're being unkind to somebody, I generally let them just let them be themselves.

Katie South: 37:42

Yeah, and I think that's something that I've definitely learned to do more of. And sometimes I've had to sit on a few things that I would have said if it was my son. And it's hard because I still have this like, oh no, the right thing to do as a grown-up in the life is to say this, but then I'm like, but then I'm gonna get this battle. And you know, you kind of constantly weighing up what's the right thing to do versus what's the least conflict thing to do, and like almost having like a half-hour conversation in your head in the space of 20 seconds.

Kristin: 38:16

Yeah, I can definitely relate to that during the years where I was worried about whether or not I was seeing a good parent, I definitely felt that a lot more. I I feel like what's really helped me on a personal level with them is just looking at them from like a bird's eye perspective of you're going to be okay, and I'm gonna prioritize our relationship over like making you eat your vegetables right now. And and and even though it you know hurts my soul that some of my stepkids don't eat very healthy, that's like a huge thing for me that's super important. It it was just causing, for example, like too many battles, you know, too many power struggles, too many fights. And I'm just I don't know what to tell you. I mean, when I was a kid, and then I thought about myself when I was a teenager, I used to have a bowl of cereal every night for dinner. I would like go to my sports practice, come home, my mom would be like, you know, I made this homemade spaghetti and meatballs, and I'd be like, I'm gonna have cereal and I'm okay. I think with them, I'm I'm just trusting more that who I see, and and because they have nurturing parents that like they're gonna be okay, and some of the small stuff, even if it bothers me in the moment, like you were saying, oftentimes I will just not address it.

Katie South: 39:39

I think I was always really worried about my son who's a similar age to my stepdaughters being parented quite differently, like me and his dad, my first husband, are pretty similar in approach. There are obviously things that are different, but generally on the big stuff, we've got a similar, similar view. And it just got to the point actually where I would just say to him, Well, do you know what the girls' mum and dad make the rules for them and your mum and dad make the rules for you and they won't always be the same?

Kristin: 40:11

Yeah.

Katie South: 40:12

Which, you know, for him was tough because he was eating those vegetables.

Kristin: 40:17

Right, yeah, exactly. And we even do that, like even amongst my stepkids, we have different rules for who eats what at dinner. Because if I if I'm really honest, I'm like, well, it's because one of them pushed back so much that we just couldn't take it anymore. Like, you know, so even amongst my stepkids, like we do different stuff. And the baby, you know, she, I mean, she's not really a baby anymore, but I call her a baby. She eats different stuff. So we just tell them, like you have, you know, it's not always gonna be fair and equal, and but it's okay.

Katie South: 40:52

One of the things that I'm really interested in hearing about is the work that you do with stepmoms and your top bits of advice from all the work that you've done over the years that you might be able to share with our listeners.

Kristin: 41:05

That's a great question. So I am a certified life coach. So I work primarily with women, with stepmoms on a one-on-one basis. And I would say most people come to me because they just there's two reasons. One, they want to feel better, whether that is I want to stop, you know, hating my stepkid or stop feeling resentful or stop being so anxious on transition days. And two, they want to stop arguing with their partner so much about, you know, maybe parenting or whatever, right? That's a big one for many of us, right?

Katie South: 41:40

They're the definitely the two things that I see the most of as well.

Kristin: 41:45

So I would say I think the biggest thing, sort of like the gateway to wanting to feel better, starts with accepting your emotions as human and as normal. And that's easier said than done, of course. So I'm not saying like if you hear me say this, that if you can't accept how you feel, that you're you should be able to, that's not true. But that's that's one thing that can be really helpful. And if you can find that in your heart, that's beautiful. And if you need help, you know, there's lots of people, coaches, therapists, whatever, that can help you find acceptance for just the truth of how you're feeling. And once you accept yourself and and where you're at, that really creates a sense of being settled and grounded in your body. And then once you get there, okay, once you find that acceptance and you're feeling calmer on the inside, that creates many different ripple effects in your life. It's easier to be patient with your spouse or partner, it's easier to be patient with your stepkids, it's even easier to be patient with yourself. So, all of this that acceptance creates and it can lead to much more cooperative relationships. Okay. So I would say acceptance of how you feel, the truth, nothing but the truth of how you feel is number one. And then number two, it's really learning how to communicate in, I like to say like non nonviolent. I know nonviolent communication is a big thing, but it's really just learning how to express yourself in a way that doesn't place blame on other people and assumes good intentions. So if we can through our language show our partners that, for example, that we think they are they do have good intentions through our language that we're taking responsibility for our feelings without blaming them because and again, it's not saying like we're not gaslighting ourselves, we're not, we're not becoming a doormat, we're not sweeping our needs under the rug. But when we use that language, that that tends to open up our partners and make them less defensive so that even if we continue to disagree, we can walk away from the conversation, understanding each other.

Katie South: 44:13

And as soon as you've got a partner on the defensive, you're not gonna have a good conversation.

Kristin: 44:19

Yeah, because you can't, it's really hard. It's like you're once you're in that space, a part of your the more rational, logical part of your brain, like the I wanna, and I'm not trying to be demeaning, but it really is like the more um, the more empathetic, rational, logical, clear part of your brain shuts off. And the more primitive, you know, toddler-like part of your brain is turned on. And so you're absolutely right. If both of you are feeling defensive in a conversation like that, it's it's not gonna end well.

unknown: 44:51

Okay.

Kristin: 44:52

I say that from experience and you know, from working with all my clients, like it just doesn't end well, you know. But we all get there, right? So it's learning to recognize that and and then being able to take that time out, right? To pause the conversation when we get too worked up on the inside.

Katie South: 45:11

Yeah, definitely. And I think one of the things that changes things for a lot of my clients is when we do talk about that assuming good intention, or you know, they'll come in and say, and the ex has done this, and the ex has done this, and the ex has done this, and she's done it because this. And we all do it in everyday life, we all jump to assumptions. But actually, what is interesting is if you look at the ex as if she was your best friend. So I was working with a client the other week and she was saying, Oh, the ex has booked her holiday just when she knows that it's my sister's wedding, just so my stepkids don't come. And we kind of started talking about if it was her best friend, what would why would she think her best friend had bit the holiday? Oh, well, her best friend's busy, her best friend's got a lot going on in her life. And we do tend to give a lot more credit to people we like, like we judge people we like on their intentions, not their actions.

Kristin: 46:10

Exactly. And and and I think when we are faced with, you know, uh maybe a spouse, for example, who's overly permissive and we want more structure in our homes, it's very easy to assume bad intentions of our spouses. Yeah you know, so there's nothing, so it's not to say we're we're broken or that means that we don't love our spouses, it just means that we've we've gotten a habit that we can change. We can start to see the good in our spouses by recognizing that they're probably doing their best and there's probably some other reason. One of the questions that I often ask my clients is like, if my spouse or partner isn't trying to be a jerk, what else might be going on here? Or if this wasn't about me, what else might be going on here?

Katie South: 47:01

And I can say, as somebody who is birth mom to my ex's son, we we'd had a really difficult period of communication, and we ended up meeting for a coffee just to kind of have a conversation about it. And he told me all the things that him and his partner assumed I'd been doing and why I'd been doing them, and they were completely wrong. Like, and that's not to be disrespectful to them. They had made an assumption with the information they had, but their assumption was wrong, and their assumption had made them think things that aren't true and probably caused them quite a lot of stress.

Kristin: 47:39

Yeah, I mean that's really cool that you have that, like such a concrete example of that in your own life.

Katie South: 47:46

Kind of cool, but also quite scary because I thought he would have known me better.

Kristin: 47:51

Right. You're like, what? I can see that too. But yeah, I don't have that. You know, I don't have that other side, like I don't have an ex on the other side.

Katie South: 48:01

I can reflect on mistakes or I can reflect on things I would do differently as a stepmum really easily. Um, or I wouldn't be doing the work that I do, you wouldn't be doing the work that you do.

Kristin: 48:11

Exactly.

Katie South: 48:12

I would not be having this conversation.

Kristin: 48:14

I should not be having this conversation.

Katie South: 48:18

Kristen, it's been such a pleasure to talk to you. Just thank you so much for your time and for the advice today. Yes, thank you so much for having me, Kitty. Thanks again to Kristen. I loved chatting with her. It's so brilliant to be able to connect women all across the globe who are facing the same challenges. And I know there are listeners in every single corner of this crazy earth. So a special hello to each and every one of you. Now, this is the last episode in this series, but do hit the subscribe button and you'll be notified as soon as the new season drops. Thank you so so much for all your gorgeous messages and for your continued support and for trusting me with your stories and allowing Stepmum Space to be part of your journey. I say this every time, but it really, really does mean the world. If you need further support, then do reach out to me at stepmumspace.com or drop me a DM on Instagram at Stepmum Space. If you have a story you'd like to share, please do get in touch via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at stepmum space. Lots of love.