Stepmum Space

Episode 49: “I Threw a Tantrum Worse Than a Five-Year-Old!”: Sarah’s Stepmum Story

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Episode Summary

Welcome back!

In this episode, Katie talks to Sarah — a stepmum to one boy — about the emotional reality of navigating different rules in different homes, the exhaustion of being the “steady one,” and her very relatable “worse than a five-year-old” meltdown moment.

Sarah speaks honestly about her up-and-down relationship with the ex, the pressure that builds when expectations constantly change, and the lessons she’s learned about boundaries, communication and staying grounded in her role.

This is a warm, real and relatable conversation for any stepmum who has ever hit breaking point or felt overwhelmed by dynamics they can’t control.

In This Episode We Explore

  • Meltdowns, triggers and emotional overload in stepmum life
  • Navigating different rules in different houses
  • How inconsistency between homes affects stepmums
  • The strain of trying to hold everything together
  • Sarah’s “up and down” relationship with the ex
  • The emotional hangover after a “grown-up tantrum”
  • What helps you repair, reset and move forward
  • Why these challenges are so normal for stepmums
  • What Sarah wishes she had known sooner

These themes reflect many of the most common things stepmums search for when they feel overwhelmed, reactive or stuck in difficult co-parenting dynamics.

If This Resonates
For personalised support, tools and strategies, book a free introductory call at:
https://www.stepmumspace.com/booking

More about Katie’s credentials and approach:
 https://www.stepmumspace.com/

Who This Episode Is For

  • Stepmums struggling with different-house rules
  • Anyone who’s ever hit emotional breaking point
  • Women navigating tricky dynamics with an ex
  • Stepmums who feel reactive, overwhelmed or guilty
  • Listeners wanting honest, relatable stepmum stories

Helpful Links
Stepmum Space website: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 Coaching & Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com

Your feelings make sense, and you’re not doing this alone. Stepmum Space is here whenever you need support.


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Katie South:

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Step Mum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. So firstly, hello, welcome back. It's been a while, hasn't it? And I just want to start by saying a massive thank you to everybody who's messaged, checked in, asked how I'm doing, and asked when the show will be back. I've been so touched by your messages and your love for the podcast. Now, one thing that hasn't changed sadly over the last couple of years is the woeful lack of support for Stepmums. There are still so many women like you navigating this role without the tools, community, or recognition you deserve. But don't worry, Stepmum's face is back. And alongside this podcast, which I know keeps so many of you sane, we are also delighted to be able to offer you more support than ever. So we've got one-to-one coaching, workshops, and a whole suite of at-home resources you can work through in your own time, either alone or with your partner. You'll find it all and more at stepmomspace.com. We've had a little glow-up and we'd love to hear what you think of the new site. We'll be continuing to add more and more resources. So if there's anything that you need, please do let us know. You can find us on the socials at StepmomSpace. Now, before we dive in, I'm going to ask a quick favor. I know, right? So Tiki, no podcast for two years, and then she's back asking favours before the episode's even started. If this podcast has ever made you feel seen, supported, or just a little less alone, please, please hit the follow button, leave a rating or a view, and share it with somebody who needs it. It helps us reach more women who need us. And honestly, it keeps this podcast going. And while you're at it, make sure you're following on the socials at Stepmom Space. You'll get first access to workshops, tools, freebies, and content that reminds you you are not the only one. Now, if you want to pause your device and go do those two things, I'll wait. Seriously, go on. I'll be right here when you get back, I promise. My guest today is Sarah, not her real name. In our conversation, we chat about being a child-free stepmum, the ups and downs of relations with the ex, and the anxiety and guilt that she felt as a stepmum. We also talk about those awful moments where we truly lose our shit and how to manage the tsunami of shame that comes afterwards. It's a conversation full of warmth, courage, and I know you're gonna love it. Let's go. Today we are joined by Sarah, who's um all the way, well, I was gonna say all the way over the other side of the world for those who are listening, but I know we have a lot of Australian stepmums who listen as well. So Sarah is over in Western Australia at the moment. Thank you so much for joining me on your evening.

Sarah:

Thank you. Thanks for having me. It's fun to be on the other side of the podcast. It's um quite interesting kind of being in the podcast instead of listening to it.

Katie South:

Yeah, I always think that whenever I go on a podcast to be interviewed, I'm like, whoa, hang on. I'm like not the one who's answering asking the questions here. That's right. So, Sarah, tell us a little bit about you and your family.

Sarah:

Uh well, it's it's actually as I was preparing for this, it's amazing how hard it is to summarise everything in a nutshell. But I guess family-wise, um it's me, it's my husband, and it's my husband's son. Um, he's sort of mid to late teens at the moment, so we've been through some of those teenage drama years, and we think we're coming out of that now. And we just all live together in a little house quite close to a lot of bushland, which is really lovely.

Katie South:

And how old was your stepson then when you met him?

Sarah:

Uh he was six when I met my husband. Um, and my husband and his ex had been separated from about for about five years. So that I think was actually quite good. It's a good age to meet a child, I think. You're not sort of taking over, I guess, from from anything that they might have been used to in the past. So it's yeah, it's a really handy age.

Katie South:

I guess from the maths, from what you're saying, his parents split up when he was one. So he probably has no recollection of that.

Sarah:

That's right. Yeah, he didn't remember them being together. So I wasn't sort of taking over, you know, a treasured role. It was just kind of, I was now there on his dad's week.

Katie South:

And how did it go in the beginning?

Sarah:

Uh, actually, really well. So surprisingly, it was actually my stepson who told us that we should move in together. And I think it was maybe our sixth or seventh date at the time. So it was very, very quick. Um, we they had week on, week off custody, which I think helped because it meant obviously that you know we could still see quite a bit of each other. Um, but I also had plenty of opportunity to meet him as well in sort of quite a casual setting. So yeah, we we all got along pretty well pretty quickly. The relationship with my husband and his ex was quite good at the time. So I think that that helped as well. There was no, you know, some of the problems that you hear from, I guess, other people's um exes or mothers getting involved. We didn't have to deal with any of that. Yeah, and we were, I think we were walking around um the local sort of area, heading down to the beach and things like that. And my stepson just said, you guys should totally move in together. That would make it so much easier. So that was really sweet. We obviously didn't do it quite so soon, but yeah, we got there in the end.

Katie South:

And it's interesting because I often wonder whether boys are easier than girls. I think there's definitely something in that daddy-daughter dynamic versus the father-son dynamic that makes it a lot easier for the stepmom to come into the role when there is a little boy involved. I don't know if that's a fact, but it's certainly anecdotally what I hear an awful lot of.

Sarah:

Yeah, I think the challenges can be different as well, can't they? And it depends a lot on the relationship that they have with their other parent too. But I think I think for us, the the fact that there was quite a bit of stability in that relationship with my husband and his ex at the time really meant smooth sailing in the beginning. It didn't stay that way. It's been up and down, but yeah, it meant that the introduction was, I guess, a lot less problematic than it could otherwise have been.

Katie South:

Can you share a little bit more about that?

Sarah:

I can, yeah. So it's it's actually really interesting preparing for this, you know, trying to summarize 10 years with my life really quickly. I've written so many notes, and I had to delete all of them because it would have taken us six hours to get through. Um, but really, look, it it's it was not so much up and down as down and up, I suppose. So it started off quite well. Um, as I said, the relationship was pretty good between my husband and his ex at the time. You know, they'd been separated for a long time before we met. Um, she was actually also in a relationship. They're now married as well. So things went fairly smoothly for probably, I guess, the first six months. And then I moved in. Um, and that also went fine from our perspective. But I think that's when I started to see behind the curtain a little bit. So the week-on, week off relationship that I thought I was coming into, I quickly realized was more of a kind of more of a 70-30 than a 50-50 splish, I think, in terms of even on his mother's week, it would still be my husband that would take him to all of the extracurricular activities, you know, pick him up and go to football or whatever it was that he was doing at the time. And also quite often we would, I would come home to find that my stepson was suddenly there for the night because of whatever reason. And I wasn't ever really consulted in that. And I I actually never managed to get my husband to see how important or how helpful it would have been if he could just have texted me on my way home from work and said, it's gonna be a little boy here when you get home, just so that I could mentally prepare myself. I think that sometimes the the parent, particularly when when you don't have children of your own, sometimes I think the parent can forget that it is such a mental shift, which for them, you know, it's kind of natural, it's just their child, it doesn't, it doesn't take that same kind of shift. Whereas for someone who's been beautifully single for the last 30 years and then all of a sudden has this kind of parental relationship, it can take a real adjustment. So that was probably the first uh big adjustment and and challenge, I think, for me. And then the issues between my stepson and his mum started to get worse. So what we found as he grew up over the years was that the environment in that household just wasn't the right place for him to thrive, or didn't seem like the right place for him to thrive. So on the week that he was with his mum, there'd be a lot of running away, a lot of you know, arguments, misbehaviour. And he was still quite young for a lot of this. So, you know, eight, nine years old, running away at night, eight or nine or ten o'clock at night, um, which was pretty stressful, obviously, for all of us. So those behavioural differences between the two households just became more and more apparent and more and more problematic. And we were expected to do something to resolve that, even though we weren't really the ones that were that had the problems, I guess. That's where the relationship started to turn sour, I think, just because we had such vastly different parenting ideas. So my husband and I are pretty much on the same page with a lot of things around, you know, discipline or boundaries or um expectations and that kind of thing. Um, and then my stepson's mother, I guess, just it was probably a lot more permissive parenting, I think is maybe the term, um, but also quite negative about him, um, which maybe was I don't know if there was some sort of leftover anger towards his dad that maybe she took out on him subconsciously, not sure what was there, but it just didn't seem like he was really the preferred child in that household. And he does have half siblings as well. So he was sort of always coming into that household, not really feeling welcome, having more and more problems there. We were expected to fix them all, and it just really went sour for quite a few years from that point.

Katie South:

And was that going sour between him and his mum, but also you guys and his mum, because you were expected to pick up all the pieces of something he didn't break.

Sarah:

Yes, not only that, but I think as well just how awful it was for us to be in that constant state of anxiety on the off week. So knowing that we might get a phone call at any time to come and you know pick him up or help out, or sometimes to go over there and tell him off or try to calm down a situation, you know, it's obviously quite uncomfortable going into someone else's someone else's house and trying to calm things down. And like a lot of blame, I think, in both directions. So we blamed her, which is very easy to do. You know, the problems are at your house, so it's obviously your problem. She blamed us because her perspective was that we had too much discipline and too much structure and in our place, which meant that when he went home to her place, which she saw as the safe space, that he would then lash out against her boundaries, or you know, it was all like pent-up aggression. So that was that was her take on it. Um we disagreed. So I think just just at that point, everything really just got really, really hard for a while there.

Katie South:

What I noticed then when you were talking, and it's something I've been thinking about more and more often, actually, because it comes up so many times, is each uh each household's assumptions of the other household. So yeah, you telling that, and I'm thinking, okay, now you've shared her side of things, I can see how she might really, really, really think that. What's kind of the gospel truth, who knows? But you guys are living what you believe is your truth and your reality. She's in her space believing her truth and her reality, and you can totally see how each household starts to blame the other household. And that narrative that we give ourselves, and also that we give the other person without even speaking to them sometimes, is one of the things that, you know, I think trips up so many step families because it's so easy, like you say, to just blame the other house.

Sarah:

It really is. And that actually brings me to something that um, because a lot of what I wanted to talk about today, I guess, is some of the lessons that I've learned over time. And what you've just said was quite interesting. I've in more recent years, because our relationships are a lot better now, and more recently, I've gone back over those old text messages and I remember receiving at the time and just thinking, she's so unreasonable, you know, how can she say that? She's so rude, like all these horrible thoughts, and thinking that I was being so mature and so reasonable and you know, so um non-emotional and careful in how I've raised everything. And now when I read them, I realize that actually we both kind of come across the same way, which is we're both probably being a little bit combative, but also trying quite hard to be reasonable. But from that emotional distance, neither of us looks any more or less reasonable than the other. We both look like we're being little cowards at times, and we both look like we're, you know, really taking it on the chin and being really mature at times. So that's a really interesting thing for me, I think, to notice how differently you can view something that at the time you were so adamant was entirely their fault. And now it's like, oh, I can see how she read that text message as me being really aggressive when I know that didn't mean to be.

Katie South:

Yeah.

Sarah:

So it's it's definitely uh something I've thought about a lot over the years now that now that we get along a bit better again.

Katie South:

You mentioned there that you get on a lot better now. What brought you to this place?

Sarah:

Well, really, I think it was that the relationship between my stepson and his mum eventually broke down to a point where she basically one night just said, I can't handle it anymore, but you need to take him. So we had actually spent quite a lot of time trying to get more custody because we felt that it would preserve his relationship with his mum and just be more stable for everybody. So it was a good outcome, but it also meant that I became a full-time mum literally overnight, um, which I probably took two or three years to really come to terms with. Yeah. Um, but uh what I guess what it meant is that he was then getting along better, which took all of the stress away for all of his parents. He's got essentially four parents. She has a husband, um, and then my husband obviously has a wife, so there's four of us involved. Once things were going better for my stepson, all of that heat was kind of taken out of it and and everyone calmed down. And then we started to work together. So we've in more recent years, we've had a few times where we've invited them over to have a family discussion about, you know, some behavioural problem or something that we think he needs all parents to kind of weigh in on.

Katie South:

I was gonna ask you whose behavioral problems.

Sarah:

Yeah. Well, you know, none of us are innocent, right? Um yeah, I think, you know, just teenage, teenage issues, you know, setting, setting of boundaries and thinking that he should be able to do things and you know, mum would let me do this. And it's like, well, actually, I'm gonna invite your mum over and you can talk to her about whether or not she really would let you do this. So seeing seeing that he can't play us off against each other anymore helped a lot. And she and I have actually each cried in the other's arms a few times throughout the teenage years. So I think that that's built a kind of um, you know, we'll never probably be friends, but we have a bit of a mutual understanding and a mutual respect. And I think a mutual gratitude for the part that we've each played over the years in terms of supporting each other through what have been some, you know, actually fairly challenging times with him at times. So yeah, I'd I'd love to say there was, you know, some wonderful situation where we all managed to sit down and talk it out. But really, what happened is that the the custody kind of issue was resolved not necessarily the best way, but without court. And yeah, once things started going better for him, everyone else was a bit better as well, I guess.

Katie South:

And as a woman who'd chosen not to have children of your own, how did it feel to suddenly be confronted with a child who's coming to live with you sort of permanently, albeit with a mum, biological mum in their life?

Sarah:

I was incredibly resentful, um, but not of anyone, I think just of the situation. I it it was a hundred percent not what I'd signed up for. Obviously, I'd very much signed up for the opposite of that. Um, I was okay with 50-50, but being a full-time active parent was much more than I had wanted to take on. Um, so in summary, it was my worst nightmare. But but it's also it also has evolved to a point where I actually quite enjoy it now. I think I think the main thing with whether you have children or don't have children is is that you make the choice. And I did ultimately make the choice, you know. I could have left, I could have moved out. There's plenty of other ways that I could have handled that, but I love my stepson. I chose to stay in his life and I chose to take on that role as a parent. So as much as I've done a lot of sulking and complaining to my husband over the years, um, you know, it was my decision, and I kind of just have to live with it. So it's just a generalized resentment is probably the way to describe it, and a generalized feeling of guilt for feeling resentful. There was a lot of that.

Katie South:

Yeah, it's that old classic, isn't it? It's the feeling's okay, but the feeling about the feeling is the tricky one. Yeah. How did you handle it?

Sarah:

Oh, look, I'd love to say I handled it with grace, but I probably didn't. I'm a real ventor, so I handled it by lots of meltdowns at my poor innocent husband. Um I I guess in a practical sense, actually, I I run away a little bit intentionally. So I'll say to my husband, I'm gonna go, you know, work from my mum's place for a week, um, or I'll go to my sister's for a few days, or I'll house sit for a friend. And I do that kind of probably works out to be every six months or so. You know, if I can find somewhere that that I can just go to stay, even if it's a hotel room or a girlfriend's house for a couple of nights or whatever. It's something that lets me just be me again and not be a parent and and not be a partner and just focus on whatever it is that I want to focus on, just read a book or whatever it is. So that intentional running away has actually been a big part of a coping mechanism for me, I think. And I do come back refreshed, but also a lot of venting and a lot of listening to podcasts like yours. So listening to other people that are going through it and just feeling a bit less alone. Um, that's probably the yeah, the main three things that I did. And we also went to some couples counselling as well, which really was more parent counselling, which did help a bit too.

Speaker:

So yeah.

Katie South:

And it's not lost on me that we're having this conversation um while you're actually traveling on business. Um I'm curious whether that's part of the intentional plan to kind of have a job that does demand you to take that physical space.

Sarah:

Yeah, it's not intentional, but it's a it's a real pick. I do actually really love it.

Katie South:

And you mentioned about the when you were explaining about your meltdowns, you said, my poor innocent husband. Um I guess I'm curious because our husbands or partners have a real role to play in how we adapt and thrive as stepmums. How was your husband during that transition from week on, week off to full-time?

Sarah:

So he had actually been a stepfather himself in his previous marriage. So I think that helped him to understand some things and it helped him set things up really well. Um where he I don't want to say the word failed, but I can't really think of a better description. Where he could have done better is in giving me a bit more just helping me in the ways that I asked for. So for example, I said earlier that, you know, coming home and discovering that my stepson was just there without any warning, all it really would have taken was a text message just to kind of let me set, you know, set myself up mentally before I walked in the door and just sort of was met with this different situation from what I was expecting. Um and he never did that. And honestly, it's so simple. So it's those little things that I think a lot of my friends' husbands seem to do also, where they just kind of brush problems under the carpet and don't really take them face on, um, particularly if those problems are emotional ones. So so he was really supportive of me. I know I can see it in his face when he's feeling guilty because he knows that ultimately I'm taking on what are essentially his problems, really. But he probably I think he loves his son so much and he's such a great dad and always wanted to be a dad that he probably just can't really relate to what it's like to actually not have wanted to be a mum. And and I think as well, he sees how how much I love my stepson, and we do get along really well. And so in his head, I'm kind of my stepson's mum, and he forgets that that actually I'm not. So he muddled his way through, is probably a way of summarising it, and was probably not as intentional about a lot of things as he could have been if he'd wanted to help me out a little bit better. I really was on my own with a lot of those emotions for most of the time that we've been together.

Katie South:

That must have been tough.

Sarah:

Yeah, it's um something that I found quite interesting as I was writing my notes for this session is that I thought I would get more emotional and I thought I'd really struggle with it, but I actually haven't. And I think that's because I'm magically in a good place now. But I think if we've been having this conversation a year ago, you'd probably be hearing tears in my voice. You know, it was it was really, really tough for a while there. And I just had such high expectations of myself and felt, as I said, so resentful and so guilty for so much of the time. You know, I'd every time I'd yell or scream or say something that I felt bad about, I'd really beat myself up for it. So yeah, it was a couple of years ago, actually, it was probably the hardest year of my life when my stepson was in those kind of early to mid-puberty years, you know, all those challenges that you you have to face with teenagers anyway. It was definitely the worst experience that I've had for that probably 18-month period, um, which is maybe why I feel so good now, because I'm out of it. So I can look back with relief.

Katie South:

And what do you think it was at the time that made things so difficult?

Sarah:

For me, it was anxiety about my stepson's future and about whether I had set him up for a good future. There's to go back to the guilt thing, you know, there's things that I've said over the years that you just shouldn't say in front of kids, even if he didn't, if I didn't know that he could hear, sometimes you know, he'd overhear something that I'd say to his um to his dad or something that I'd say about his mum when I was venting about her. I I just really felt I think I think because I have kind of stepped into a role that his mum wasn't able to take on for herself, I felt like I had to measure up to this incredible standard. And and every time that I could see my stepson struggling or failing or looking like he might one day fail, I felt like it was partly my fault for not doing a better job or being a better parent or being, you know, more loving and and less background resentful and all that kind of stuff. So um anxiety and guilt is probably what it comes down to. Anxiety for his future and a feeling of guilt that maybe I hadn't set him up properly, which I know is ridiculous.

Katie South:

Yeah, but it's one thing knowing it and then it's the other thing feeling it, isn't it? And those are two big old bags of lead to carry around with you anxiety and guilt. Yeah. They really are. And I can see when you were talking before about wanting to you'd set yourself a really high standard, because what you said just back there was okay, I had real anxiety about whether I had set him up for the good future. Like it's all on you, you know. This is a kid who has two other parents, a whole load of teachers, you know, probably other adults in his life, but for some reason you're feeling it's all your responsibility.

Sarah:

Yeah, that's right. Um, I think not so much as all my responsibility, but all of the failings are I felt like a lot of the failings were my failings, which also logically I know was absolutely not true. But I just have always a little bit of it, you know, my personality as well. I think I'm one of those people that wants to do everything to the best of their ability. And and I have really fantastic parents. So I like I've never I've never heard my parents yell at each other. I'm sure they've done so, but never that I've heard. And my stepson can certainly not say the same about my husband and I. Um, so I had a pretty high bar already set for me, I guess, in terms of the parenting game. And I like to see myself as being a fairly controlled, um, calm sort of person, and yet I'm capable of throwing a temper tantrum that would well and truly outdo that of any five-year-old. So, you know, you you can go to work and be this really mature businesswoman and then come home and you're like throwing salad in the air, you know, just throwing it lying on the ground, kicking your feet just about. So it's really interesting to me how all of those feelings can just result in such terrible behavior that you then feel so ashamed about. Especially quite often, I'd be throwing a tantrum about the fact that he was throwing a tantrum about something. So yeah. If you can't meet them, join them, that's right.

Katie South:

But you know, I and I come back to this quite a lot because I think with biological parenting, you let out a bit of the kind of pressure every day, every so often, and it doesn't build up. But with step-parenting, you're so determined to like, okay, I can't give them a stern voice. Hurry up, I need to be like, hurry up, hurry up, and then it builds and builds and builds, and then, like you say, the salad's in the air, you're on the floor, and it's no surprise, really, because you're constantly trying to be perfect, and no parent is perfect in you know, in the history of the world ever. And I'm glad that you've actually talked about it because I know I get a lot of messages from women who will tell me about one time they've done something awful, and and I know I've done it as well, and they've absolutely lost it, and they've said things they wish they could take back, and they've behaved in ways that they feel deeply, deeply ashamed of. And it's so hard to move past. But then I'm thinking, well, hang on, if I'm getting all these messages from women who are doing the same, this is this is a thing, like this is what happens. Yeah, when but step parenting, I think, in particular, because you don't you don't give yourself any grace, you take it all on yourself, and then as you were saying, the shame follows, and that's just uh well, a recipe for setting yourself mad.

Sarah:

Yeah, there's there's two things I want to say about that, because you're right, there is so much shame with it. I think I think one of the things is that as a biological parent, you have this unbreakable bond that you know is there and is unbreakable. As a step parent, you know that it's breakable. So I think when you say something that any biological parent might say and not beat themselves up as much, as a step parent, you think, God, that could really break the relationship, even though it often doesn't. The other thing I want to say about that is um something that our counsellor said to us, which really, really helped me, um, and it's really stuck with me. She said, You actually don't have to be a good parent, you just have to be a good enough parent. And at first I thought, oh, I don't know if I want to be good enough, but but as I've thought of it over the years and through conversations I've had with my stepson, it's really interesting seeing his perspective on things that I thought was so terrible, and his take on it is you know, I'll say something like, Oh, I really wish I'd been a better mum that year, or I could. Have done better here. And he'd say, Well, you know, I could have been a better kid. And that's all he thinks of. He's he's not sitting there being traumatized for the rest of his life. He's just like, Yeah, you know, probably ain't that or deserve that. He has a very different perspective of my parenting than I do, which has come out through some of the comments that he's made just casually over the years in conversations and things. And and I think that's the beauty of being at this part of the journey that that I now know that. So things that I thought were going to break our relationship really didn't scratch it at all.

Katie South:

That's definitely an important point. I was talking to a therapist friend of mine the other week, and we were talking about how often, as grown-ups, you can think something that's happened is going to absolutely scar the child forever. But it doesn't. It may have an impact, it may not have an impact. And I was talking to her about how a lot of the stepmoms I work with will talk about, oh, but they're just a child, they're just a child. And she she turned around to me. And she works a lot with children in her therapy. And she said, Do you think all children are good children? You know, and you kind of go, Oh, okay, but that feels really uncomfortable to say that. And whether it's good children having bad behavior rather than bad children, who knows? Children do not behave well all the time, and it is okay for grown-ups to feel frustrated by that. And we all have to learn how to let that out in the right way, but also to give ourselves a bit of compassion when we don't, because everybody mucks up.

Sarah:

That's right. Yeah. And it can be the hardest thing giving yourself that um yeah, giving yourself that compassion and giving yourself a a free pass when you feel so ashamed of something that you've said or done, that when you look at it from a distance, just seems like the worst thing that you could ever say.

Katie South:

Have you got any advice for any women who are listening who are sort of riddled with shame about something that they've said or done in the past?

Sarah:

I think I think that line, you don't have to be a good parent, you just have to be good enough, is is something that is worth kind of repeating to yourself as a mantra. And I think what she's really saying is by being a good enough parent by default, you're being a good parent. Um, if you're sitting there worrying and you're riddled with guilt, then you probably are a good parent. And I think the other another thing that the science psychologist said to me actually is when you're dealing with kids' emotions, relate, don't manage. So relate to their emotions rather than trying to manage them. You know how we always want to say, oh, well, maybe you should do this or you could have done that, or don't feel that way, or I'm sure this person thinks whatever, that kind of thing. Instead, just saying, Oh, that's really awful, that sounds like a terrible thing, like I'm sorry that happened, I wish we could do this, etc. Um, that works really well on kids, but it actually works quite well on yourself as well. Like instead of trying to manage your way out of it, it's like just go, yeah, that was that was a horrible thing to experience. It was a horrible thing that I did. It's horrible to feel like this. Um, it sucks. And just kind of accept that.

Katie South:

Yeah. What do you think your stepson's view is of your parenting then?

Sarah:

Through work, I actually did a personality test recently. And one of the things that was in the results from the questions that you answer is your parenting style. And so I took it home and I was reading it out to my stepson, and it said things like people of your personality type, you know, are not good at letting kids have their emotions, and they tend to be controlling and they tend to be quite angry and impatient, and all of the things that I feel like I am as a parent. And my stepson said, Are you sure you're really the right one? And I just found it quite interesting that he I I completely related to everything that about my parenting style, and he his impression was that it was none of that was accurate. So he actually summed it up quite well when he was comparing our relationship to one of his friends' relationships with her stepmom. He said, their relationship is they argue with each other a lot, and then sometimes they get along really well. And our relationship is we get along really well, and then sometimes we have a big argument. And that's kind of his summary of me as a parent. I think most of the time we get along well, and then sometimes I just do my trolley, which is normal, right? I think from over the years and things that he said, I think he um he's told me that he thinks I'm a good mum, um, and just in those words, which is nice. Um and he also comes to me for advice about anything, first of all, anything medical, like if he has a splinter or he's got a weird bump or whatever. But also now that he's getting a bit older, he actually comes to me for relationship advice. I was the one that got lumped with the sex talk because I think being being a little bit removed as a parent, um, but still a trusted person, he's like, I don't want to talk to mum or dad about this, but you know, he's gonna talk to someone. Um so that that fell to me. So so yeah, I think I think in summary, he um he seems like he trusts me and he thinks that I've been a good parent. He thinks I've been a much better parent than I think I've been.

Katie South:

Stop putting yourself down. Oh well, it's so easy to do, isn't it? You do as a step parent, don't you? You're always comparing yourself. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to his mum or his dad? No, not to more to my parents, I think.

Sarah:

I compare myself to the parents that they were to me and the the stability that we had as kids. Um, yeah, which is as I said before, it's a really high bar. So it's not a fair comparison. It's a completely different scenario. But it's still that's the, I guess, the values of parenting that I grew up with. So it's still kind of what I compare myself to naturally.

Katie South:

And as someone who's sort of been through all the ups and downs along the journey, if you had to pass on your sort of top pearls of wisdom to anyone who's in the thick of you know the worst bit or at the beginning of your journey, what would you like to share?

Sarah:

Actually, I've got some notes on this one. Um I think I thought about the things that work really well for us. And the first one was when I very first moved in, my husband and I sat down and agreed about how I would apply discipline. So he basically said, I want you to be as involved in discipline as I am. Uh and if I disagree with you, then I'll back you in the moment and we'll talk about it later. And he's always held true to that. And I think uh I think maybe my stepson's age at the time helped. I don't think this would work with, you know, say a 15, 16-year-old. But if the child is young enough, that discipline seems to create a real sense of safety for them and and I guess trust that they know that you're not going to let them get away with things that are ultimately going to be harmful to them. So that I think was a lot of the bedrocks of my relationship with my stepson. Um, the other one I know, I think I heard about it first on your podcast, maybe the grey rock method. The most the most common phrase that my stepson's mother and I have said to each other over the years is, okay, thanks for letting me know. And we both use it on each other a lot, but it really, really does work. You know, it kind of just takes out all of the heat of whatever's been said in the moment. So, in terms of communications, um, the big mistake I made was what a lot of people do, I think, is they they want to be the mediator, they want to get involved, um, you know, they want to try and smooth things over, and it kind of just muddies the waters instead. So I think the grey rock method for anyone who hasn't heard of it should look it up and and follow it if they're having trouble with managing those relationships. And the other one is kind of what I was talking to before, that remember that emotions distort the truth. So, you know, when I was talking earlier about reading text messages that we'd sent over the years, and I thought I was being so reasonable at the time. And looking back on it now, I'm like, oh, I can see how that would have come across really aggressively, even though that's not how I had intended it. Um, and vice versa, you know, I can see how her message that seemed so aggressive at the time may not have been intended that way. So just to try to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember that the very strong emotions that you're feeling are actually distorting your perception of what's really happening. Um the other really big one is that relationships can be mended. So a few years ago, if my stepson's mother came up to the house, I would actually go and hide in the other room. I just I couldn't be near her, my heart would start pumping, I would just feel, you know, almost like the beginnings of a panic attack, just so anxious. Uh whereas now we have birthday parties together. And that's only you know, three, four years between that. So just because a relationship might seem like it's broken now, it doesn't mean that it will always be that way. They can mend. And I think the last one that has really stuck with me is probably more of a parenting one, but that kids' emotions, I think, very often manifest in in anger or in withdrawal. So they'll kind of lash out at you or they'll pull away from you. And for me, like one of one of the moments that really stands out for me in my relationship with my stepson is when we had a huge argument about something I don't remember what, and he went to the salt in his room and he wouldn't talk to me for about a day. And I thought really hard about you know, the argument and whatever it was. And I went into his room and he wouldn't look at me and he turned away and faced the wall, you know, on his bed. And I just sat on his bed and I said, Hey, mate, you know that no matter what argument we have, I'm never gonna leave, right? And he didn't say anything, but he instantly turned around and just grabbed onto me and like buried his little head on on my lap and just held on really tight. And I thought all these hours I've been sitting there thinking that he hated me, but he he was just scared that I was gonna leave. And I don't know what made me realize that that was what it was, but that that moment really, really has stuck with me over the years, and it's helped me a lot in my parenting of him when I think that he's being a little pain in the bottom. He's actually just scared. So that's something that, yeah, it's a really important thing to remember, I think, as a parent. A lot of their emotions come out as anger or withdrawal, and it's often just fear and abandonment, I think.

Katie South:

And possibly the same even as we're talking about adults. So, you know, we have an angry moment and then we feel terrified that the kids are gonna hate us, the husband's gonna hate us, the ex is gonna hate us. That's right.

Sarah:

Yeah. Yeah. So much of that comes from fear, ultimately, doesn't it? You know, fear that you've made a mistake that you can't come back from is yeah, is huge. And it's where it often comes out of anger, I think.

Katie South:

Yeah, yeah, definitely. One of the things that you've mentioned a few times is how you and the ex have moved on and you kind of said, you know, relations relationships can be mended. If there's somebody listening who's in a really tricky spot with their partner's ex, what might you say to them?

Sarah:

I think what what I think mended our relationship for me was uh moments of humility. So I decided to thank her for anything that I could find to thank her for. And she did the same. So she was actually we've sent each other Mother's Day cards because you know, husband is hopeless, but stepson even more so. So little gestures can be really powerful, and little gestures of gratitude, I think, can be really powerful because I think in both sides, you know, as a stepmother, you feel so unappreciated and sometimes really invisible, and um, sometimes as though your position in the family is quite tenuous. So I think that recognition and that acknowledgement can really help you to feel a lot more secure, which again results in better emotions all around. Um, and then I think as a biological mum, you know, how awful for her to essentially have to give up her time with her child because they just couldn't get along. And how awful for her to watch me have such a lovely relationship with him and genuinely not know, you know, where she went wrong. So the times that you know I've needed advice from her or she's she's just been there to you know be another parent who also cares about the child to have me cry on her shoulder. Um, those those are moments that I've just been really careful to be grateful for and to express gratitude for. So I think I think that's it. I think it's try to find something to say thank you for, even if it's tiny, and and that can often be the first step.

Katie South:

Wow. Well, look, Sarah, thank you so much for coming on today. I've really, really, really loved talking to you. Definitely learned some lessons myself, and good luck with everything in the future. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Oh, it was so good to talk to Sarah. And once again, I'm reminded that wherever we are in the world, there's always somebody going through the same thing as you right now. So, Sarah, thank you for working across time zones to make this happen. I'm truly grateful. I hope you've enjoyed the first episode of this new series. If you've got a story you'd like to share in the next one, I would love to hear from you. Drop me a DM on the socials or email me at Katie at Stepmumspace.com. If you haven't already, hit follow, leave a rating or review, and share this episode with somebody who needs it. Thanks for listening, everybody. Take care, and we will be back with another episode next week. Lots of love.

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Katie South

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