Stepmum Space

Episode 50: “I thought I was doing it all wrong”

• Katie South

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Episode Summary 

In this heartfelt and refreshingly honest episode, Katie is joined by Grace — a warm, witty, and wonderfully open stepmum who shares what it was really like to go from living freely and independently to becoming a full-time stepmum of two almost overnight.

Grace talks candidly about the emotional shifts, identity changes, and unseen pressures that come with stepping into an already-formed family system. From feeling like an outsider in her own home to worrying she was “doing it all wrong,” her honesty will resonate with any stepmum who has ever questioned themselves.

In This Episode

Katie and Grace explore:

  • what it feels like to lose your sense of identity in a pre-existing family
  • the discomfort of feeling judged for your relationship with your stepkids
  • why self-compassion matters more than perfection
  • how to challenge the belief that you’re “getting it wrong”
  • the emotional whiplash of stepping into caregiving before you're ready
  • the difference between who you were before and who you’re becoming now

Whether you’re deep in the trenches or at the start of your stepmum journey, this conversation is a reminder that your experience is valid, your feelings make sense, and you are not alone.

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If you’re overwhelmed, unsure, or craving more calm and confidence in your stepmum role:

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Katie:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a little bit better, this is the place for you. Before we dive in, can I just say thank you? The response to last week's episode has been incredible, and I am so grateful to everyone who's taken the time to get in touch with Love for the Show. One thing I hear time and time again in coaching sessions is this quiet question: Is what I'm feeling normal? And the answer is yes, absolutely yes. So much of what we feel as stepmums is exactly what biological mums feel too. But because we don't always say it out loud, we carry it in silence. And silence is where shame grows. That's why I love making this podcast. It's a space to break that silence, to share real stories, real feelings, and remind you that you're not alone. If you've been carrying something quietly and you're ready to unpack it with someone who gets it, I'm now offering one-to-one coaching sessions. You can drop me a message or head to stepmamspace.com to find out more and book a free intro call. Now, today's guest is Grace. She's witty, warm, and refreshingly honest about her journey from footloose and fancy-free to full-time stepmummas 2. We talk about what it's like to join a pre-made family, how to handle judgment from others, and why sometimes doing the best you can at the time is more than enough. Let's get into it. Hi Grace, welcome to Stepmum Space. It is lovely to have you here today.

Grace:

No, I'm excited to be a little bit nervous, not gonna lie. Um, but no, I'm excited to be on.

Katie:

Don't be nervous. It's uh it's all very nice. Everyone's everyone's friendly. If you need to stop and get a cupper, you can stop and get a cupper. So, you know, really keen to hear your story, and I know that there'll be a lot in it that will help other people who are listening. So yeah, don't be too nervous. Thank you. So look, you've been with your partner five years, you said. Do you want to take us back to when you first met your partner?

Grace:

It feels like a very, very, very long time ago now. So we actually knew each other through kind of mutual friends. Um, but at that point he was married and I was with a partner. So we literally had that brief conversation that you have as adults when your kids are kind of running around mad. So it was like, hi, kind of introduced ourselves and then that was it and didn't speak again. And so I briefly kind of knew of him, and then we didn't really end up chatting until about a year or so later when he actually moved in with that mutual friend uh after he moved out of the family home. So yeah, so it was a little bit of a kind of not a standard meeting, um, I suppose.

Katie:

So it sounds like it wasn't the uh we're both on a dating app looking for each other and looking for love.

Grace:

No, no, we we definitely don't have the standard kind of meet cute story. It's very much just chaos was happening and we kind of found each other somewhere in that, which in fairness is how our life has continued. So it was a start as you mean to go on, you know.

Katie:

Oh bless you. I love that. So you weren't looking for love, but love came looking for you with accompanying chaos.

Grace:

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a fair summation of it.

Katie:

You mentioned he'd left his relationship to move in with the mutual friend. How did you guys get from kind of friends of a friend to becoming a couple?

Grace:

Um, so the friend kind of fobbed him off on me, I suppose. Um, because she was a busy, a busy mum of two, and just went, Look, he needs to find a place to live and he needs to get furniture. And like, do you have any time to help him do this? And so I was like, Yeah, why not? Let's, you know, let's just help this person who I don't know. And then we ended up, I would randomly ring him at whatever time, be like, right, I found a wardrobe. Do you need a wardrobe? I've got a wardrobe that's like an hour away from you. Can you drive and go get the wardrobe? And then we just ended up having fairly ridiculous conversations and just kind of went from there, to be honest. Um, and I've been trying to get rid of him for years, but he just keeps coming back. Uh but no, we we just ended up chatting, and I think we realized we had a lot in common, and I think at that point we were both quite a mess trying to kind of sort ourselves out, and so it was kind of friendship, and then it just developed from there, which I suppose were quite nice because usually I've previous relationships I've just dated, whereas we were friends for for quite a while, and then it kind of progressed into a relationship.

Katie:

So, to to any extent, would you say you knew what you were getting into?

Grace:

No, not a clue. Uh, I knew that he had two kids because obviously I'd I'd met them. My stepson actually, it's an ongoing joke that the first time that I met him, he was wearing a little Batman t-shirt because he was matching with dad. I tried to make a joke about Batman, and he just looked at me like I was completely mad and hid behind his dad's leg. And my now stepdaughter was in a hell of a grump and would not talk to anyone. So that was kind of my first introduction uh to them was these two kids who they were quite happy hiding behind dads, and that was it.

Katie:

You know, I guess it was a sort of fairly realistic introduction to how tricky kids can be sometimes.

Grace:

Yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna lie, he's never he's never downplayed kind of what comes along with kids. So I knew from the off that it was chaotic and it was gonna be a bit fun, but I didn't. I obviously I don't have kind of any bio kids, and now uh my family have got kids, but at that point is that nobody had any kids, so I I didn't grow up being raised around young kids, and I was the youngest in the family. It kind of came from nowhere, and suddenly I had two kids to look after, and I was like, I don't, I don't know what the hell I'm doing at home making this up as I go.

Katie:

And spoiler alert, being a biological mum and being a stepmum are different in lots of ways, but a lot of the time as a biological mum, I just feel like I'm making it up as I go along. I'm like, that you know, there's no rule book, but as a biological mum, I'm I'm entitled to make a lot of mistakes, and society will be okay with that. Not the same when you're a stepmum.

Grace:

I was actually having this discussion with two friends the other day, one who is just a bio mum and one who's a bio mum and a stepmum. And we were kind of debating whether there is a lot of difference. And I said, Well, obviously, I can't speak for for that because I've I've only got stepkids, but I can't imagine, I can't imagine the bio mum bit because I've had such well, we'll get into it more later, I'm sure, but I've had such a sudden journey into it that I think bio mum would seem almost easy, which sounds so insulting when you say it to somebody because they're like, it's not easy. And I'm like, no, I don't mean it like that. I just mean in comparison, I've done all the mistakes, I've or not all of them, but I've made a lot of mistakes. I've I've kind of figured it out as I've as I've gone in this kind of stumbling route. I think I would be okay, but maybe not, maybe I'd be an absolute mess.

Katie:

I don't think you're being insulting to bio mums at all. I think any any parenting is difficult. There is no one easy road, but I think some of the challenges that stepmums face are really, really unique and you don't have the same situation as a biological mother, particularly if you're if you're a biological mother who doesn't share their child. So if you're a biological mother and you're still with the father of your biological children and you're a typical nuclear family, of course, there's challenges, but there's none the same as either being a biological mum whose kid has a stepmum or being a stepmum. Like that's that's a unique set of challenges that um I don't think you could ever underestimate, really.

Grace:

No, and I think it's uh again, I'm sure something that we'll discuss a little bit later, but it's that knowing where your place is. I think as a as a bio mum and just a bio mum, you're fairly solid. Like they're your kids, you get to make those decisions, whether that's 50-50 with your partner or whether that's kind of 100%, you make those decisions and you know where your place is. Whereas I think as a stepmom, you're constantly questioning like, am I doing the right thing? Am I overstepping? Am I not being enough? Do I need to kind of hand this to dad? Do I need to kind of hand this to biome? It's a whole, even now, like I said, over five years in, I still have moments where I question, am I doing the right thing? Am I being enough for the kids or too much for the kids? You know?

Katie:

Yeah, and even by questioning it, you know, it it shows that I'm sure you are doing the right things. And nobody's perfect in any way, shape, or form. And I think as stepmum, you know, we talk about it quite a lot on the show, because of all the narratives around stepmotherhood, you try so hard to be perfect and don't give yourself any grace when you make any mistakes. Whereas a biological parent might forget something their kid was supposed to have at school one day, and yeah, you'd beat yourself up about it, but you'd get over it a lot quicker. Um, it's just it's it's just different. And I think the more we could acknowledge that as a society, but in a positive way, that the better off would be. So before we um sort of try and change the world in one podcast, uh how old were the kids when um you met them?

Grace:

Uh so when I met them, they were four and five, but when we started dating, they were they were five and six.

Katie:

Okay. And tell us about how it was.

Grace:

So the beginning bit was I think probably one of the most challenging things that I've gone through. I had two kids who were they're absolutely devoted to dad, like just think he's the best dad ever. And it was, you know, he's he's our here, he's our hero, and he's Batman, and he's and then it was coming in, and and I very much I have a perfectionist streak. And like you said earlier, in terms of I beat myself up so much because I was I I held myself to such a high standard, and like I have to have an activity for the kids every single moment of every single day. And I think I was so desperate for them to like me that at the beginning I did, I wouldn't say I pushed them, but I would say I pushed myself. Like, why haven't I got a better relationship with them? And actually, once I kind of let go of that a little bit, we progressed really naturally. But the beginning bit, like I couldn't sit next to my partner on the sofa because the kids would want to sit next to him, and so I would get pushed to the end of the sofa. We couldn't hold hands because you know, my uh my stepkids would want to hold his hand, and it was really challenging because it was I felt I felt like I was sharing what should be that beginning bit of a relationship where actually you're all over each other and it's kind of very romantic. And I felt like I was sharing it with these kids, and I was a bit like I wouldn't say I ever felt resentful, but I would say I felt quite left out. I felt quite um kind of on the outside looking in. But actually, once I again, once I started to let go of that and go, they're kids who want their dad, they're not trying to hurt me, they're not having a battle with me. Is actually again, we kind of just progressed from there, but it was a lot of work on myself to get to that point, and I still get it wrong. But yeah, it was it was tough, it was really tough, especially that first year was was challenging because we didn't live together either. Even when I then messaged him, I would then have to accept some weekends. I might not get a reply for two days because the kids would be going absolutely berserk, and he wouldn't have a spare moment to go to the toilet, let alone to sit and have a text conversation with me. So that took a lot of again inner work to go, you're dating somebody with kids, he's not he's not gonna be there all the time. You're not dating a 20-year-old who's you know got a nine to five job and they're gonna just kind of text you all evening. That's not the situation that you're in.

Katie:

Yeah, and I guess because you had already been friends before, you knew that this was somebody who was really special.

Grace:

Yeah, I think I not to go down too much of a soppy route, but I think I'd always kind of gone for for people who who needed fixing who who I could kind of look after. And then I met I met my partner and realized that this was somebody who had, and I know he won't mind me saying, but a lot of issues, but it wasn't anything he expected me to fix, it was stuff that he was fixing, he was working on fixing himself. And I think if we had both thought about it from a more logical point of view, we wouldn't have got together for another year or two, but it just kind of ended up happening, and he felt it was he he's the first person I've ever been with where I feel completely comfortable, and even on those days where I really doubt myself and kind of my anxiety gets really bad, he's never once made me question whether we are wrong together. I just sit and go, Oh, you know, I've I've done this and I've done this, and he's like, Okay, let's figure it out, let's go. So, yeah, so I've never I've never doubted us, which I think is is so important, especially in a step family. You need to have that strong relationship with your partner, otherwise it's it's just not gonna happen.

Katie:

Yeah, totally. I was just gonna say, actually, it sounds like he's really, really got your back.

Grace:

Yeah, I think I took a lot from him when we got together in terms of how to manage the kids, but also just in terms of I think that I had such different expectations for how a family should be, and he kind of came in and I suppose ruined it. Um, because he basically went, he went, what you like you can't put those expectations on yourself or on the kids because you're just that's not how life works. And the man's just incredibly chaotic, but he's right, like you you if you try to control every aspect, you end up miserable, and especially, especially in a in a family with with stepkids and and biomums and other families, is that you you don't get a control of it, 90% of it is completely out of your control, like you don't get to control what your weekends are like, you don't get to control what mood the kids are in when they come home or even what clothes that they bring home, and so much of it is just taken out of your hands that you have to kind of go, yeah, it's fine, because otherwise you'll go mad.

Katie:

You're exactly right. You mentioned earlier that you're a bit of a perfectionist, and I work with a lot of stepmums who are perfectionists, and we work a lot on that because perfectionism is never ever ever helpful. It causes you a lot of trouble. I mean, yes, it can be great for helping you achieve great things, but it brings you back to being so hard on yourself if you even fall below you know the unrealistic expectation you've put on yourself. I'm interested in what your perception of family life that you wanted was.

Grace:

Um I think so. So growing up myself, I had uh my dad and mum were separated. So I had two very individual households. So I had my my mum and my stepdad at the time, who I would say was the stereotypically nicer family in terms of we had the nicer house and we had a bit more money, and so we'd go out and do bowling and cinema and things like that. It was a little bit more stereotypically nice, and then we had my my dad and my stepmum's house where there was five kids running around. It was chaotic, it was messy, it was, you know, loud family dinners, it was a little bit more kind of just silly and relaxed. But obviously, there was a lot more pressure there because we had my my stepsisters who I I call my sisters, but for ease, my stepsisters. And so that was like two blended families kind of coming together. So there was that additional stress. So I think I I in my head then kind of went through and took the best from both houses and kind of went, right, we should, you know, we should be doing activities every single day with the kids, like the kids should be constantly entertained. And the reality is we weren't constantly entertained as kids, but in my head, because obviously when we went to visit my dad, we only saw him at the weekends, of course they were going to plan activities because he only had us at the weekends, and then we went back to my mum's, of course, she would plan activities for the weekend because she only had us for half that time. So in my head, every day we have to be doing something, every hour those kids have to be entertained. Everybody has to be perfectly dressed, and everyone has to present as the perfect family. And if I go out with the kids and one of them has a meltdown, people are going to be judging me because why can't I control the kids? And it's going to be because I'm a bad stepmum and just a whole lot of really negative, complete utter rubbish, but that you feed into. And I think I had myself convinced for so long that I had to meet these standards that funnily enough were my own standards and nobody else's, no one else was coming in going, You're not doing a good enough job. But I told myself that. I was making myself ill. I was I was so stressed and I was so anxious. And I used to dread the weekends that the kids came to visit because I didn't have something planned. You know, I was up until three, four o'clock in the morning making activities for the next day, because God forbid the kids went longer than an hour without having something to entertain them. It was madness. Like luckily, I had a partner who kind of gently shook me and went, You need to stop. Like the kids are okay to be bored sometimes. It's all right that we don't have to do this.

Katie:

It's interesting, isn't it? Because you're going into it with all these intentions of, you know, I want to do great things for the kids, but your observation about your own childhood, where you had both of your parents planning stuff to do at weekends, is something that I talked to my husband about because we would always do the same when we had our kids that we share with their other parents. Yeah, if we needed to go to B and Q, we would do it on a non-kids weekend because God forbid we had to take the kids to B and Q. That would be awful. And then suddenly the other week I was thinking, Cool, the kids that we share together, we never ever would think we can't take them to B and Q on a Saturday. Like, that's just life. And I think you know, sometimes you need to relax and just say, like you did, life isn't all amazing and fun and activities all the time. And actually, if your kids go, my kids said it this weekend it was raining, they're like, We're bored. And I'm like, okay, well, that's brilliant. You can give your mind space to work out something. And then, well, to be fair, the next minute they were playing gladiators in the living room.

Grace:

So I'm not sure that that was uh and then you're like, Oh, I should have just done something with you, but my little thing is destroyed, and you've got each other in a headlock, and it was, but yeah, so I I definitely hear you on having to have a a healthy dose of normality.

Katie:

Also, I think then when a stepchild grows up and realizes, well, hang on a minute, every weekend isn't always like fun activities, they're gonna be in for a bit of a rude awakening in the real world. So um, yeah, I I hear you on that one. Just going back to your relationship with the kids and your partner, what was the situation with their mum when you first got together?

Grace:

Uh so when we first got together, I didn't really have a relationship with their mum. I felt that it should come from my partner, and so I kind of stepped back and basically said, however, you want to deal with that is is is is your choice. Uh my partner and his ex-wife were not in a good place. It was quite a toxic relationship from both sides. They admitted that they they weren't they weren't good together, and it just it did not end well. He moved out of the family home because of allegations of abuse and not not genuine ones, but in terms of if you don't do this, then I'll accuse you of this. He's a teacher, so not only would that have meant a a huge uh issue with him seeing his own kids, but that that's his career got and so it was a it was quite a scary time. And so he was, I think, quite a common issue with with step families. He essentially would just go along with whatever, whatever you want to do, that's fine. Just I don't care, I don't want to fight, I just want to see the kids. And actually, me and and and the kids by mum, we've actually had an okay relationship the whole way through. So unfortunately, she passed away in uh December of last year. But we I think she reached out to me first, if I remember rightly, and and and was just a message to kind of say I'm really glad that that uh he's met somebody that actually takes such good care of the kids, and so it was it was friendly enough, and I was always aware I didn't want to have a relationship there because I felt like it might have been used in a certain way. So I did reply. We had a little bit of contact kind of back and forth, always about the kids. I would send her pictures of the kids. Um, this is what the kids have been up to. I made sure that the kids kind of got her Mother's Day stuff and birthday stuff because actually I knew that my partner might find that quite difficult given how much anger was there. But we never really had any issues, and I think actually I'm really lucky in that respect. I don't think I bothered her, and I think that the reality is that her and my partner hadn't loved each other for a very long time, so there was never that competition. And I made very clear to the kids from the start, I'm I'm not your mum. I can I can be whatever else you want to be, but you you have a mum, and and so she she's she's mum, and I'm Grace, and whatever you else you want to call me within reason. And so we never really had that clash, and I was I was used a little bit in the court stuff in terms of you've been leaving the kids with your girlfriend. So there was a little bit there, but it was always directed at my partner, never at me. And I think part of that is because actually, and it's what I recommend to every stepmom I meet, I removed myself from it. I said, I'm not I'm not getting involved in this, in these arguments, I'm not getting involved in these conversations because I don't want to. I'm I'm with my partner because I love my partner, and I'm I will be in the kids' life because obviously at that point I didn't know them very well, but I I love them and I want to be around them and I want to be a family, but she's there because she's the kid's mum. Other than that, she has no relation to my life, and so I didn't want to have that. I I felt like the more involved I got, the more it opened a door for there to be an issue.

Katie:

I think that's a very, very, very wise move. And you know, you said you were lucky that things worked out that well, but it also sounds like you took some really good steps to help it work out like that, and that you were also respectful of her role as the biological mother, and you clearly had no intention. Not that I ever meet a stepmum who does have an intention to take their role, but you know, there are different types of step-mum, and you do hear stories about step-mums who maybe put the biological mum's nose out of joint, and you know, empathy on both sides is absolutely essential, and it sounds like you had that in spades.

Grace:

Yeah, I think it was. I'm not gonna pretend I was I was perfect so please don't think for one second, like I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning. And I think the main reason why I stepped back so much was because I was so angry, I dreaded absolutely dread my phone would go off and I would flinch. I, you know, I was waiting, and and none of the messages were ever rude. She she never, like the messages to my partner were fairly foul, but she was never rude to me. And yet I still dreaded those messages coming through. Um, and my partner, like, he would cringe, it would be this like he was waiting, waiting for those messages. Um, and again, he will hold his hands up and say, like, that that kind of beginning bit was really toxic from both of them, and you know, she would send a load of vile abuse, he would send a load back, and so it was this constant, kind of never-ending cycle of like, well, you're not doing this, well, you're not doing this, and so it just wasn't getting anywhere. And so I I had to step back because I hate it. Like, I was waking up every day just feeling anxious in in, you know, not even living in the same house at that point. And you know, every time I picked up my phone, it was, is it gonna be a message from her, or is it gonna be a message even from my partner, kind of going, oh, this has happened, and da-da-da-da-da. And I was like, I just can't, I can't handle it. Like, I need to either step away from the relationship or I need to step back from this and just be your partner and whatever the kids need.

Katie:

I'm recalling one of my lovely stepmom clients who definitely wouldn't mind me sharing this, who said she'd said to her husband, I didn't make the choice to have kids with that woman, so I'm not dealing with that woman.

Grace:

Do you know what? I think I've actually said that sentence word for word. Like, I didn't choose her, you chose to have kids with her, she's your problem. Yeah, I I think weirdly, I think it's where so many stepmoms go wrong because you come into this situation and you see your partner being hurt, and I think a lot of the times there's that reluctance to admit that your partner's part of the problem. Um, and I am always gonna see, see obviously it from my partner's point of view and be like, well, she was more difficult. But at the same time, is that I wasn't in that marriage, you know. I don't I don't know how they were speaking to each other at the end based on the messages. I'm gonna say it wasn't nice, but when there's kids, I mean, divorce is hard enough anyway. When there's kids involved, you just amplify that to another level, like it's all of that that kind of vileness inside of you that most of the time kept completely at bay because it doesn't need to come out. You are then talking about the things that are most precious to you in the world, and so of course it's gonna come out. You're so angry, you're so hurt, and this person who you trusted with you and with your kids is then suddenly calling you a bad parent. Absolutely, you're gonna release as much of that anger as you can. And so I think weirdly, kind of learning from other people's mistakes and looking at it and going, Why are you so miserable as a stepmum? Ah, okay, because you're getting involved in this and you don't need to like step back for your own sake. Like your partner is a grown man, and if they're not, why are you with them? Yeah, which maybe is unfair to say, but I don't I I would never be with my partner if I didn't trust him to handle himself and to handle the kids.

Katie:

Yeah, and sometimes as you say, it is better. There are a lot of women out there who really, really want to support their partners, and they think the way to do it is to be there to sort of sponge up every text message from the ex or listen to every oh, my ex has done this. And actually, you know, I think there's a lot of power in saying to your partner, only talk to me about the things that I need to know about. And please find a friend, a therapist, a coach, somebody to talk to about the rest, because otherwise you just find yourself, both of you, kind of compelled to be like about this other household, and it's not helpful.

Grace:

We we were so, you know, we were actually talking about it the other day, but when because we haven't kind of got to that and chat into the other stuff, but uh the kids basically were living with um with their mum and then came to stay with my partner for a couple of months as uh a temporary measure because she was selling a family home and she went like really struggling to manage the kids and do the sale of the home. So, can you just have them for a little while? That was a really challenging time because he was having to drive like an hour to their school, then an hour back to get to work, and he was doing that you know four times a day every day. And so that was a really challenging time, but obviously, with the view, it was only for two months, and then in the end of December, so on Christmas Day, they were going back to her and it would all go back to normal. And we were planning to move in together in February, and then January 1st, my partner got a message to go kids come to live with you with an hour's notice. And we were like, oh, okay. Yeah, let's go.

Katie:

So let me get this straight. So the kids, the kids came to you initially for a two-month stay, and then bio mum just decided they're staying permanently.

Grace:

She she's really uh she really struggled for her mental health. Um, this was an ongoing issue from from when they were together. It was part with without going into too much detail, because that's something I would rather not um discuss in too much detail, because that's her her story. Um, but she she really struggled for her mental health and uh had issues of addiction. So she had them back for that week and then basically had taken them away on holiday. So they had a lovely holiday, uh, went abroad, went back to her parents' house, which is where they were going to be living, because she was moving in with them so they could support her with the kids. And I believe from from the information that we got is that her parents basically went, you need to give the kids to to their dad. She wasn't managing, she was she was not in the right place to have them. And it was it was part of the issues of of of why there have been so many arguments because my partner could see that happening. Is it you know, when he when he moved out, he could see it happening. And in his head, he had that difficult decision of do I stay knowing this is gonna get really nasty, or do I go and find a home so that if something happens, I've got a safe place I can bring the kids to. And he had to protect his mental health as well. But it's one of the things I think he still feels the most guilty about is leaving the kids there. So, yeah, so she genuinely made that decision to drop the kids off here, and I think it was the best decision for those kids. But obviously, it was it was it was a challenge, it was an hour's notice of kids are coming to live with you.

Katie:

At that point, you guys didn't live together.

Grace:

Yeah, so the plan was so January 1st was when they got dropped off. Uh, we do we were planning to move in together actually on Valentine's Day, so on February 14th, because it was my last shift at work, um, and then we were supposed to be moving in together, and so it had all been planned, and we kind of went, do we then put it off because the kids are moving in, or do we just go for it and see what happens? And as I said in the continued theme of our relationship, we went, let's go for it and see what happens, and it's worked out okay, and then obviously we we moved in together. So the kids moved in in January, January 1st. I moved in February 14th, and then we went into lockdown end of March.

Katie:

Oh, crikey.

Grace:

So we had a month living all together, and then we went into lockdown. Yeah, it's why it has a lot of white hairs. I don't know if you can see.

Katie:

Um, you look young and beautiful. Stop it.

Grace:

There's a lot, you just it's the it's the light. Um so yeah, so that was it was a lot, it was it was a lot all at once, but I think weirdly, COVID was the best thing that happened to us because we didn't have a choice, we were stuck together in this house, and so I think we're we are further along the route, not because we're any better as a family, but purely because we didn't have a choice. So, all of those boundaries that usually you would test slowly, we had them all at once.

Katie:

And during COVID, did the children go between houses at all? Did they see their mother or were they just with you guys?

Grace:

So she for the first couple of months she was gone. She went to get some support with her mental health, and so there was there was no contact, no in-person contact. It was all via like messages and phone calls and things like that. And then from there, there was a there was a lot of issues because she tried to move back. The the old house fell through, so it didn't sell, and she wanted to take the kids back there. And my partner basically said, No, I think it'll be far too difficult for those kids to go back to the family home, which they've been told they're never going back to. All of their stuff is gone, there's nothing left in the house. I think that's going to be really damaging for them. And we were dealing with a lot of behaviour with without being unfair to my stepson. It was it was it was hell, if I'm honest. We had four or five hours worth of of uh kind of strops. We we were being hit, he was hitting his sister. Um, he would just scream. We had a lovely couple of months of this song that he he can now laugh at, but I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, which he would just sing for about an hour. Um, we'd have stuff being thrown at the walls, and and it was horrendous. And and looking back, we understand where that behavior was coming from. He had been, he'd had no consistency, and he was, you know, moved about from people to people, and he was told he was going to one school, then he was going to another, and it was a lot. My stepdaughter less hers was more sneaky, except for her lovely moment when she drew all over the wall, but then she signed it, so we knew exactly who had done it.

Katie:

Um you could do that thing that I sometimes see people doing on social media where they put a frame on the wall around the drawing.

Grace:

Yeah, I think I think maybe we should have done, but at that point, I don't think we had any humour left. I think we were honestly so mentally and physically drained. And my partner was still teaching at that point, so he was doing trying to do kind of these online lessons. I was trying to homeschool with these kids who I barely had a relationship with at that point. Yeah, it was, and obviously then he had all this stress of COVID anyway. And so I think it was that was probably for for all of us, that was probably the hardest year. And the kids obviously really struggled because they had gone from living with mum pretty much full time to then not seeing her for months at a time. So of course they were going to struggle with with that. And obviously, I think my partner and I weren't we weren't in a good place with managing our emotions. So actually, when we were we we weren't able to help the kids through their emotions, we were just like, you need to, you know, just go, just go sit in your room for like five minutes so that I can breathe. Whereas now I think we're, I mean, you wouldn't even recognise the kids they are today. They're so happy and settled, and I'm so proud of how far they've both come because they are just they're just amazing, they're awesome. But my stepson, especially, he was such a lost little boy, and he just he thought it was his, you know, he had to fix everything. And we still deal with that, like it's still an issue for him, but he's so much happier and settled now. I think a large part of that is because my partner and and myself, we got ourselves to a point where we could react in the right way. So rather than shouting at him, which wasn't helping because he was a five, six-year-old kid that was going through a lot of difficulty, we actually went okay, what does what does he need? But we we genuinely we did the I hate that phrase, but we did the best we could in in that moment because we weren't armed with anyone else. We were literally just getting through.

Katie:

I think looking back on how hard it was for any parents in lockdown to suddenly become a full-time stepmum to some kids that you, you know, as you've said, you hadn't known them for that long. They were kids who'd come from a home where mum had addictions and mental health challenges, and all of those things playing their part. And your husband being a teacher, I mean, the teachers who I know worked amazingly during lockdown, but it was a lot of pressure for them, anyone in that profession, as well as obviously lots of other professions. So you must have really loved this guy to not walk away.

Grace:

Yeah, I think it was he did, he would repeatedly say to me, he was like, Are you are you sure you want to stay? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm pretty set, really. Um, I think he's he's got a very, you know, he's got a very cute dog. We've got a Malamut, so it was didn't really have a choice. Um, but no, I think, I think genuinely, I I um one of my ex-boyfriends had a little girl, and I always said after that, I was like, I will never date some other kids. Like nothing could ever convince me to date some other kids five years on. Um yeah, but I think I think like you said, it was when when you when you are a step parent or dating somebody with kids, you have to be kind of all in because there's not an opportunity to be kind of half in or half out, much like when you have kids of your own. I think you don't you don't get to be a half-assed parent, like they need you 100% of the time, so you've got to be there 100% of the time. And I I fell in love with my partner, and then I fell in love with the kids, and I can't imagine not having them in my life.

Katie:

That's so beautiful. It definitely sounds as well like your partner had your back in all of it because some women who do choose to step back from step parenting, but to stay in the relationship with their partner. I think it often comes from a place where actually they don't have the support of their partner, so they can say, Do you know what parenting decisions are on you? But then that does tend to create quite a difficult dynamic in the household, particularly actually when the kids are there with you full time.

Grace:

I I know there's kind of nacho parenting, which I'm sure you've heard of. Um, and I genuinely, if being a parent has taught me anything, it's you you don't get to judge what anyone else is doing, because I was I was that person who was like, I can't believe they would let their kids act like that. And now I go, let their kids let their kids act like that. Like kids are just in a whole own world, and you just kind of have to go along for the ride and and do your best to make them into a decent person.

Katie:

Totally. Like I was an amazing mother when I was bringing up my hypothetical children in my 20s.

Grace:

My kids were so well behaved, they would never, they would never get annoyed in a restaurant, they would never drop food on the floor, they would never run around when you've asked them to stop, they were the perfect children. Absolutely, and I was just well, how I didn't get awards for my hypothetical children, I don't know.

Katie:

Yeah, and then and then real life parenting, step or otherwise, kind of slaps you around the face, and you're like, okay, like I'll refrain from judging others. So, you know, like you say, I think whether you do adopt a natural approach, which actually in some cases is is the best, or whether you go all in, it has to be what's right for you and and with the support of your partner. So moving forward, kind of from COVID, you mentioned earlier that um your children's mother passed away. Can you tell us a little bit more about how that changed things?

Grace:

Yeah, so so without going into detail because we would genuinely be here for hours, um, is it's been since the kids moved in with us, it's been we've had had moments of of consistency. So we've had you know six, seven, eight months of of consistency of her seeing the kids regularly and um having them for weekends and and calling them every week and things like that. And then we've had months of of just complete ups and downs, and we would have lots of contact, and then we'd have no contact. And unfortunately, the time at the time that she passed away, the kids hadn't seen her for a year, and that that was her situation. They they spoke to her a couple of times over that year, and we always left it open, so so we've never stopped her from seeing or talking to the kids, but at some point we had to put limits on that to protect their mental health because they were really struggling with that. We had a few situations where we kind of went, I need to come off the phone now, but we always made sure that that contact was was there because what whatever she was struggling with, that was her her journey to go through. And we did, and again, like I said, won't go into detail of that, but my partner and I did reach out on on several occasions to try to support there. But at the end of the day, our priority is the kids, and it had to be the kids because uh we couldn't be dragged down that road because it was it was a road that we went down several times, and every time we went down it, we would then be unable to be there as much for the kids, and those kids needed us, and so we we supported that relationship as much as we could, and genuinely she she had her parents who were incredibly supportive, and they're still a big part of the kids' lives. So she she passed away um in December, and we had the funeral in uh January, and it's been it's been weirdly both uh challenging and uh I'm gonna say the word and then explain myself a little bit. Uh it's it's been kind of a relief because for a year, uh well, longer than that, for the last few years, the kids have been so up and down because this this this woman who's their mum, who they love, because of course they do, and but they're constantly waiting for that for that contact, or or are they gonna see her this weekend? Is she gonna be better? Is she gonna be struggling again? And we we've been as honest as child appropriately as we as we could with the kids, you know, your mum's struggling with this, and she's trying to get better, but she might not be able to, and that that is that's the reality of it, and she she is trying, but it's not an easy fix. And I think I think they almost both uh breathed a big sigh of relief, as did we, because it was that we know what happens now, we we can plan for the kids, and we would they you know we were all going through counseling, so we've got family counselling, so she talks to the kids individually and then she talks to us, and but it was that that selfish, horrible part of you that goes we don't have to worry every week, we don't have to worry every weekend, but at the same time, that's their mum who they've lost. I don't think they know how they feel about it. I don't know if they'll ever really come to terms with how they feel about it because it's it's a situation that adults struggle with, let alone a 10 and 11-year-old. I hope that they have some good memories. I think that they do, but I don't know how they view the last couple of years, hence, hence the counselling.

Katie:

It's great that you've been able to provide that for them and give them the space to process everything that they've got to process. And I can, you know, grief's complicated, but after such a destabilizing few years with one of your parents, you know, I imagine they'll need all of that support. And how wonderful for them to have that stable home with you and also to be able to have a good relationship with their grandparents.

Grace:

I hope that they know that we, whilst we we had a difficult relationship with their mum at various points, we always wanted them to have that relationship with her. We just had to put things in place to protect them, and I think that's a really difficult thing, and especially as my partner weirdly has had it more than me, which I thought would be the opposite way around. But it's this kind of well, you know, she's their mum, and he's like, No, you're absolutely right, but they're 10 and 11, like they need to be protected from this, they need to have a safe place they can go to, and they need to understand that it's not their fault. And I think even as an adult dealing with a loved one with addiction, you feel so much pressure to to fix them, you feel so much guilt that are you not enough? And we never wanted the kids to feel that, and we can't protect them from everything, and and they have been through a lot of trauma, and not just from her, I think unwillingly, is that we've probably put them through trauma because we've been dealing with our own. And and as a parent, what is it? You you try to mess up your kids in a different way to how your parents messed you up. Um, I know that one. Yeah. A couple of months ago, I made my stepdaughter absolutely break down in tears because we'd had constant arguments for about two weeks about her doing her homework. And I turned around and went, Do you know what? I give up. If you don't want to do your homework, I don't care. And we've always said our phrase is we don't do these things because we're trying to be horrible. We do these things because we care. And so when I said the phrase, I don't care anymore, don't do your homework, she then took that as me not caring about her. So I know that potentially that is going to be a phrase at the back of her head that will pop off occasionally and make her sad. But we're trying and we're learning. And I think that's all you can do as a parent is try to be the best that you can for the kids and constantly learn and just hope that you don't mess them up too much.

Katie:

And also, as a parent in your situation, you are so focused on what you might have said that's had a negative impact, you don't stop to give yourself credit for all the things that you've said and done that have a positive impact.

Grace:

No, it was actually uh one of the things that the the uh therapist said the other day. She tells her and I went, How often do you guys give yourself credit? And we were like, Well, for what? And she went, for everything you've done for the kids. And we went, but we haven't, like we've just parented. And she was like, Yeah, you've parented through through COVID and through through depression and anxiety, you've coped with with uh uh the other parent with addiction and and through court cases and through all of that, and we were like, but that's what you do, you know, and I think looking at my partner, I know that he he feels so much guilt for the things that we've got wrong, but doesn't give himself near enough credit for the things that he's got right. But I know that I do exactly the same, and I think as a step parent as well, and it's what you said, I think, right back at the beginning. Weirdly, I think more so than a bio parent, you put so much pressure on yourself to do it perfectly because you're a step parent, you are gonna make mistakes constantly and you are gonna get it wrong, and I think you are always gonna feel guilty for not doing it in exactly the right way at the right time. I I know that we have made a positive difference on those kids because I can see the changes in them, but I also know that losing their mum at such a young age is gonna have a huge impact on them, and it's put in aside. So, like my my uh stepson the other day was really struggling, and when I kind of went, What is it that you're because trying to not put words in her mouth, and I said, What is it that you're struggling with? And he went, I don't have a mum anymore. And that selfish voice at the back of my head went, What am I? You know, what have I been for five years? And then that horrible kind of guilt where I went, He's a boy who's lost his mum. Of course he feels that way, and it's putting aside your issues of I know he loves me, I know he views me as a mum figure, and I know he appreciates everything that I've done, even if sometimes he acts like he doesn't, because he's a typical 11-year-old boy, but he's still working through his issues too, and that doesn't mean that I get to put mine on him, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. And I think especially as a step parent because you question your role, is that I'm like, I'm not a mum, but I view you as my kids. I'm I'm a mum without kids is that weird kind of juggling act, you know.

Katie:

The situations that you describe, they you know they do come up a lot, and having a bit of compassion for yourself for the things that you're feeling is the most important thing in the world because you're giving your heart and soul to a kid for five years and they turn around and say, I haven't got a mum, of course that's gonna hurt, and it's okay to acknowledge I'm really hurt by that. And I think when you've talked about the things that you've got wrong, like my God, all of us have, all of us have. You wouldn't believe the amount of messages I get from stepmums who say, I've done this awful thing, and then they tell me the awful thing they've done, and nobody's ever told me something that I haven't heard before. And even, you know, I've gone and talked in therapy about things that I've done, and the therapist has been like, Is that it? Like, is that all you've got for me? You know, and you you just hold yourself to such a high bar that there's no space for error, so that when you have any normal human error, it eats you alive, like four years. So we assume our stepkids hold on to every tiny little thing that we might have got wrong, but they might not. And if they do, they do. Like we are also only human and we're doing our best, and it's difficult and it's messy, and it's complicated. And you know, as you said, your own parents have a role in how you turn out, and you can look back and think, as an adult, uh, do you know what? You know, I'm really lucky. I can look back and say, as an adult, do you know what? My parents did their best, and I grew up in a family where I was loved, and aren't I lucky? But you know, I talk to my mum and she'll say, Yeah, but I did this and I did this and I did this. And I'm like, Yeah, I don't remember any of that, or I will, and I'll be like, Yeah, and you did that because I was a little shit or whatever it was, you know. So you do get that perspective, but it doesn't stop you feeling incredibly guilty in the moments. I think the the more you can, and I don't mean like let yourself off the hook, but like just be a bit kinder to yourself.

Grace:

I think it's having that understanding that actually, firstly, a lot of the stuff that you see as like world-ended in, the kids don't care about. Like, there's been so many times, and especially my stepdaughter, I'm fairly convinced that she's ADHD. Because like you'll try to have these in-depth conversations with her, and she'll be like, Okay, but I don't care. And you're like, and not even in like a horrible way, but she it's gone. She's she's you know, that was like two hours ago. She's had that conversation ahead, she's done with it. Um, and and I think my my stepson holds on stuff a little bit more, but even him, I've said stuff before, and he's gone, what? And I've gone, Oh, I'm really sorry for how I acted the other day. And he's like, I don't remember. I'm like, Oh, that really bothered me. Like, I was I was sat up at night kind of going, I'm such an awful person, and I'm a horrible stepmom, and they should just they should flog me through the streets, like I'm just horrendous. And he's forgotten it. And I think realizing that, like having having that realization, actually, most of the time the kids have forgotten it. And like my partner, a big thing for him, um, and again, I know he won't mind me sharing, is he his he doesn't remember his dad saying he loved him, and so every single day, without fail, no matter how grumpy or sick he is, he will turn around to those kids and go, I love you. Um, and so they know every day that they are loved. I know, no matter what went on in my childhood, I know that in both homes I was so loved. And I think if your kid grows up feeling loved, then you've you've done it, you know, you've you've succeeded as a parent. All the other stuff is secondary, and it's it's still still important, and I think it still makes a huge difference. And trying to give them the tools to help themselves and try to make sure that they they feel valued and listened to is so important, but also feeling loved and having somewhere safe to go to. Um so I think it's it's very different. When we were sharing the kids, so both when they lived with her and when they lived with us and were visiting, I found that, and I think I found it more challenging than my partner because it was all the little things that I think do bug women more than men. So, like we would send them in an outfit and then those clothes wouldn't come back, or the clothes wouldn't fit them that they came back in, or you know, they would take their favorite toy with them and then wouldn't bring it back, and then we would have to deal with the fallout of that for a week or two weeks or however long it was. And there was a lot of discrepancy in in when they were living with us, is that we had no money, flat broke kind of money, and she had quite a lot of money, and so it was every time the kids visited her, it was let's go bowling and let's go swimming and let's go to the zoo and let's do this and let's and let's get subway on our way home. And and then the kids would come home and be like, Can we do this and can we do that? Why don't we do this? And we'd be like, Because we've got no money, because we have you the majority of the time. She she's never paid child maintenance, so we didn't have that additional money coming in. We had no kind of support from family or anything like that, whereas obviously she had her parents who would occasionally treat the kids, and so we were like, We don't have the money to do the nice stuff with you because we have you for all the day-to-day stuff. That was very challenging, and like I said, that that feeling out of control for both of us, in terms of the kids would have a very different weekend when they were with her as to when they were with us, and so that that difference in rules when the kids then came back, it was like, okay, no, you know what the expectations are in our house, and they would kind of take a few days to get back into that, and we would get a lot of backlash and a lot of standard kid bickering, but it's harder when you know you're kind of like, we wouldn't have to do this if you weren't visiting the other parent. So I think I think that that was harder. I think when she then was struggling, and so there was a lot of inconsistency, it was in a horrible way for for us, it was a lot easier because we didn't have to have that contact with with her. We didn't have those kind of difficulties with with clothes and money and food and what are the kids doing and their behavior and everything else. But for the kids, it was a lot harder because obviously they didn't know when they were going to talk to their mum next. They didn't know when they were gonna see their mum next. And so we dealt with more behaviour because of that, but less because of the change in in households. With her being gone, I think we dealt with our grief a couple of years ago when we went to see her at the family home. We didn't think she was going to survive that week, and so I think my partner, especially, because obviously he he was married to her for eight years. I think he said goodbye. He he he dealt with his grief then, and I think I kind of grieved for the person that I had got to know and for the kid's mum. It wasn't as challenging when it happened. It's challenging in terms of, like I said, those conversations with my stepson, like I don't have a mum anymore. Going to the funeral was probably one of the most difficult days. Her family genuinely credit to them. They made us feel incredibly welcomed, um, which I will forever be grateful for because it could have been a very, very horrible situation. We got through it, and actually it was it was okay. It was better than I thought it would be. Everyone just said their piece, we said goodbye, and it was done. I can't lie, and I think the kids, the kids are aware of it as well. Our life is easier without her in it, but it's also harder because we have to accept that they have lost someone who, no matter how complicated their their emotions are, she's their mum and they love her, and so it's it's finding that balance between kind of going, it's okay to feel a bit of relief because our life was so out of control because of someone who wasn't even in our household. But it's also okay to feel a little bit guilty about that, and I think it's why we got the counseling because actually the kids needed counseling to cope with losing her, but we needed counseling to kind of come to terms with how we felt about the situation. And like I said, what what however stepmums sometimes word it your partner, your husband had a relationship with that woman, had kids with that woman, and was in love with her at some point. I know he had eight years of being together, of memories, of times with the kids, of all of that. And whether more of it was negative or more of it was positive, he still has all that. And so he had to. Work through that grief as well.

Katie:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about moving forward into the future? What are your hopes?

Grace:

I want the kids to get to a point where they can accept that what happened wasn't okay, that they've dealt with more than any kid should have to. I hope they can get to a point where actually they accept that it wasn't it wasn't deliberate, she wasn't choosing to be like that. She was ill. And whatever viewpoint you have of addiction, she was ill. And I hope that they can get to a point where they accept all of that and that they feel no guilt for how they dealt with it. Because I think I've in particular my my stepson, I think he will he will hold on to that. If I had just been more, I could have fixed the situation. And we've always maintained like even with us, it's not your duty to fix how we feel. So you can support us, you can give us a hug, you can do all of that, but it's not your job to fix adults. Like adults fix themselves, and you can be there just to give them a hug and kind of make them laugh. Like that's fine, but nothing else. So I hope they can get to a point where they feel healthy about the situation. To be honest, it's it's that it's that weird thing of actually, I think we're incredibly lucky. Our life is it sounds really softy, but our life is genuinely perfect in terms of us. It's just the stuff around it. Like we could do with more money, who who couldn't? We could do with a bigger house, who couldn't? We need a little bit more counseling to kind of get to the best place we can be. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think if more people in the world had counseling or therapy, we would be a much happier country. I a hundred percent agree with you. I think we are as a family. I am incredibly proud of how far we've come, and I I I love my stepkids more than anything. And if at some point they wanted, because but before she passed away, we were looking at me getting parental responsibility. If at some point in the future the kids wanted to progress with that or for me to become a more permanent fixture, it would be an absolute dream. So yeah, I think really just kind of carrying on, but more money and a bigger house and more therapy.

Katie:

Always more therapy. I don't think you ever get to a point where you stop and go, I'm I'm done now.

Grace:

I don't healthy.

Katie:

All the shit that I got out on the table's all been tidied up and it's wrapped up in bows and I'm ready to go. It's it's a work in progress. But what just kind of oozes out of you for me? I know it sounds really cheesy, but it's just like love for your partner and the kids and everything you've done, from somebody who said, Oh, I'm never gonna date someone with kids. You've done the full turnaround, so it's brilliant. And I'm so grateful for you for getting in touch and sharing so openly your journey and your feelings throughout it. So a massive, massive thank you.

Grace:

No, thank you. I've I've I've enjoyed it actually. I really enjoyed speaking to you, so thank you. I genuinely hope I hope some of it helped. I wish I'd listened to kind of more of these podcasts and just got a little bit more advice in the beginning because I was so lost for so long because I didn't know it was out there, and I think I thought I was doing everything wrong. I hope it's helped some. But I've I've genuinely enjoyed talking to you, so thank you.

Katie:

What a story. Thank you to Grace for her openness and willingness to share all the lessons she's learnt along the way. If you're struggling with your stepmom life and you need to talk to someone, please get in touch. And if you'd love a safe, understanding space where you can really be heard and supported whilst also getting personalised strategies and clear practical tools that work in real life, that's exactly what I offer in my one-to-one coaching sessions. You'll find the link in the show notes to book a free call with me, and I'd love to see how I can support you on your journey. We'll be back next week with another episode. Till then, take care.

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Katie South

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