Stepmum Space

Episode 54: When love comes with kids, and an Ex who ignores you!

• Katie South

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In this heartfelt episode of Stepmum Space, I’m joined by Rosie—a woman who had her solo life beautifully sorted. The career, the home, the financial freedom… everything in place. But when love arrived, so did a whole new reality—one that included children she hadn’t planned for.

Rosie opens up about the emotional, practical, and relational shifts that come with stepping into a blended family. We explore what it means to redefine your identity, recalibrate your finances, and navigate the complexities of becoming a stepmum when that was never part of your original plan.

We also talk about one of the hardest parts of stepmum life: when the ex-partner refuses to acknowledge you, won’t accept your presence, or actively ignores your role. Rosie shares how that dynamic impacted her confidence, her relationship, and her ability to feel safe and respected in her own home.

This episode is especially powerful for anyone who’s transitioned from independent living into stepfamily life—and is trying to find their footing in a role that’s often misunderstood, unsupported, and emotionally loaded.

What We Cover:

  • The emotional impact of suddenly having children in your life
  • How to protect your identity and independence in a blended family
  • Setting boundaries that support your wellbeing (even when others push back)
  • Navigating finances and lifestyle changes when love comes with kids
  • What to do when the ex refuses to acknowledge or accept you
  • The importance of aligning with your partner on your role as a stepmum

 3 Key Takeaways:

  1. Keep your own identity—don’t lose the parts of you that existed before stepkids.
  2. Keep doing what you love—your passions and routines still matter.
  3. Define your role—and make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

This role can be beautiful, but it’s also complex. Without boundaries, it can consume you. And while not everyone will understand your limits—especially when you're being ignored or excluded—protecting your emotional and physical resources is essential.

💌 Need Support?

If this episode resonates and you’d like support with boundaries, identity, or any other part of stepmum life, I’d love to hear from you. 📧 Email me at katie@stepmumspace.com 🌐 Visit www.stepmumspace.com for coaching, resources, and community.

Huge thanks to Rosie for her honesty and courage. If you have a story you’d like to share on the podcast, please get in touch. This show exists because of women like you who are brave enough to speak up.

Don’t forget to follow Stepmum Space on your podcast app so you never miss an episode. I’ll see you next week.


Keywords: stepmum boundaries, ignored by the ex, stepfamily dynamics, blended family support, stepmum identity, emotional wellbeing for stepmums, partner alignment in blended families, stepmum podcast UK, stepmum coaching, stepmum space podcast, childless stepmum experience, ex-partner conflict in blended families, stepkids mum, boundaries

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Katie:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. Today's guest is Rosie, a woman who had her life beautifully set up. The career, the home, financial freedom, everything in its place except for one thing, love. And when she found it, everything shifted. In wonderful ways, yes, but also in ways she never saw coming. Because Rosie was child-free by choice and suddenly children became a regular part of her world. In this episode, we dive into what that transition really feels like, from identity shifts to financial recalibrations and the emotional terrain of building a relationship that includes kids you didn't plan for. Rosie speaks with trademark stepmum space honesty, and I know from the messages I've received lately that this one will land deeply, especially with women who chose a child-free life and now find themselves navigating something very different. Enjoy the show. So welcome Rosie. Thank you so much for being with us today. Thanks for having me. So, as we always do on the show, why don't you kick off by telling us a little bit about your family and how you met your partner?

Rosie:

So we met in, well, it was a bit on and off lockdown. So it was at the beginning of lockdown where you could see people, then you couldn't see people. So it was a little bit on and off, and we did actually just start off as friends, and it was around the time where you could only really go for a walk. So I basically tried to make as many friends as I could to get out of the house because I lived on my own at the time. I saw his Facebook profile and I saw that he had one picture with one child, one picture with a different child, and there was a picture with multiple children. So I thought, oh, maybe he's got a child, maybe he's got nieces and nephews. So I just sent him a message to say, Do you have one child or two? And he replied with four. So I thought that's a lot for me because I don't have any children at all. Um, so to be honest with you, I thought it was lovely, but I didn't see it going any further than just being friends because of the amount of children that he does have.

Katie:

Were children something you saw in your future at the time?

Rosie:

To be honest, no. I always thought that I would foster babies on a like an emergency. So it wouldn't be like I'd have children in the house all the time. It'd just be kind of like a few days until they had a home to go to kind of thing, if that makes sense.

Katie:

Yeah. And what happened when he sort of told you he had four kids and you were like, oh, that's a lot. How did things go from there?

Rosie:

I think because we got on so well, and I basically fell in love with him after about a day, it felt it kind of the children thing. I think when you meet somebody, you don't obviously meet the children for a while. So I think because our relationship was growing and because it was on and off lockdown, we spent a lot of time walking and talking and getting to know each other. So the children thing kind of just was in the back of my mind in a way because when he spoke about them, it's not a reality yet. So you don't quite think like, oh, four children, that can be a lot. And because I've got a lot of siblings and I grew up in a household with like 10 people, it it doesn't seem as scary as somebody who's maybe an only child and is not used to being around a lot of people. You grew up in a family with 10 people. Yeah, so I'm one of, I've got um a lot of brothers and sisters on either my mum and dad's side. So I'm from a brand blended family myself, and at any one time there was at least seven children in the household. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

Katie:

Wow. I wonder if that fed into your desire to not have children yourself.

Rosie:

I think so. I think it did. I moved out when I was 18 and I lived on my own for nearly 10 years before my partner moved in with me. So I did spend a lot of time on my own because I probably needed it to be honest.

Katie:

Yeah. It is funny. I've spoken to a lot of women who met their partners during lockdown, and that kind of false environment where it is just the two of you and it is going for walks, and there was so much going on in the world that the connections you made with people on an individual basis kind of felt so strong, didn't they, in that time because you were isolated from everything else. So I guess it's not a surprise that you two were forming a really close bond, and the fact that he had children was something you knew about, but maybe hadn't kind of considered the realities of. So when did you meet them?

Rosie:

We probably about six months after we met. Um, and it was strange because initially when I met him, because he had had them half the week, so I would see him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then he would have the kids Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Um, but then he would I would see him after he dropped the kids off on a Thursday, I'd see him after he dropped the kids off on a Sunday. So I saw him quite quickly, and it wasn't like we had a lot of time without each other when he had the children, but he didn't pick up his phone, he didn't message me, so I did know this is his time with his children, and it was a bit it was a bit like a false reality because even though we spent a lot of time together, those four days I didn't really get too much interaction from him when he was with the kids, and it was only really when I met them. And to be fair, the kids were were amazing when I met them, and the instantly every time he picked them up, he was like, Can we come? Can we come can we go and do something? Can we go to the park? And da da da. So I think we actually formed a relationship quite quickly because it was quite easy at the beginning. And how old were the kids at the beginning? So the oldest was seven when I met my partner, but she was eight when I when I actually met her, and then we had the youngest was had just turned three, and then the middle two were four and six.

Katie:

Bloody hell, that's a whirlwind of young children. So what what happens next?

Rosie:

Then it's going well at the beginning. The beginning was quite hard in terms of finances. Um, we couldn't actually, when obviously everything started opening up from lockdown, we couldn't actually do like the date nights that you would usually do when you first meet somebody because unfortunately he had a lot of family debt that was in his name, and because he'd split up with his ex and it was all in his name, she just wasn't really interested in helping pay it off. So he was earning less than what he needed to pay out, so it took quite a long time for us to kind of start from how you would have started when you first met somebody. It was probably a year into our relationship that we actually could start doing things as a couple, and because he'd had the children from Thursday to Sunday for I think it was about two years at this point, he did not want to leave them at all with his parents, not even for an hour. So our kind of day were actually during the week when we'd had work, so that was quite difficult to get used to because in past relationships for me, because I've never had children and people that I've dated and never had children, I was always able to just work really hard during the week and then go out for meals or drinks or you know, do fun things at the weekend and not really needed to think about anybody else. It was just let's do this on Saturday, yeah, and you don't need to check with anyone else. So it was quite hard to adapt to the fact that not only did I have to pay for everything, we also had to say, right, to my partner's parents, please could you maybe have the kids for two hours? And we had to it took us probably a year to build up to half a day, then an overnight. And no, because they now live in my house, the children were so used to because he lived with his parents at the time, they were so used to staying with the grandparents four days a week that they now stay with them once a month, which is good for us because we then get that time, and my partner's now completely used to it.

Katie:

So there's quite a lot in there, as you say, that was different to the beginnings of other relationships you had, and I guess inheriting somebody else's financial difficulties must have been hard.

Rosie:

Yeah, definitely. And I think because I was so financially stable when I met him, so I had no, I didn't even have a car on finance or a credit card or anything like that. Um, the only thing I had was a mortgage. He was so in such a different position to me that I thought I did think for a while, is this the right person it or is it the right time? And even though he'd been split up from his ex for quite a while, and he kind of mentally was ready for a relationship, the financial side of things, I thought, oh, and it it got to a point where I thought, you know what, it's just money, and I actually paid off all of his debts, and he now pays me a monthly amount, and it was obviously to help him, but then when we got to a point where we were ready to live together, he financially just wouldn't have been able to contribute towards anything had he been paying because he he had like two loans, two credit cards, or like all these things in different places where his monthly outgoings were so much greater than me just going, right, let's put it all into one, and you give me a set figure that you can actually afford. So it's probably gonna take him the rest of his life to to give me the money back, but I'm I'm not bothered.

Katie:

I think the thing as well is that that's like a great example of you taking control of the situation and doing what you can do with it and kind of going, Yeah, yeah, it's fucking annoying that you've got to pick up his ex's debt and his debt, but yeah, you've had a choice about how you've handled it and you've chosen to do what is best for you in that situation, which is something that you know when I'm working with women in coaching, we talk a lot about okay, what have you got? What are the choices that you can make and and doing what you can in your situation to make you feel like you've got some of that power back in your life? Yeah. The other thing that you mentioned that I was interested in is that your partner had the kids Thursday to Sunday, so every weekend.

Rosie:

Yeah, it was a lot. It the have since changed the schedule from when I first met them. Um so it's now three weekends a month rather than four. But the the four weekends a month was probably for the first two years of our relationship, and for the first I'd say six to nine months. Well, for the first six months, I'd I didn't see them at the weekend at all because I didn't I hadn't met the kids, and then for the next few months, it was kind of building up that relationship with the kids, so it was quite fun because we'd go to the park or we'd have a day out or we'd do something, and then the kids started saying, Oh, well, can we sleep over? So then we'd build up the odd overnight, which was interesting because they didn't sleep, they ran around the house till ridiculous times, they screamed in the middle of the night. So that was a big thing for me to adapt to because I'd been used to just being able to get in bed, and I I'm not very good at sleeping as it is. So the smallest little noise would wake me up. So every time one of the kids would wake up in the middle of the night, he'd be fast asleep, and I'd have to, well, I wouldn't have to, but I would then go and try and deal with it thinking, what do I do? So yeah, that was something, and then once we kind of got used to that, it was then building up can we have a date night on a Saturday because we have the kids every single Saturday. So it it did take a while, and I probably say it I still find it hard now, to be honest, even though we have one less weekend a month, it's still kind of getting in that routine of I only have one weekend a month because I worked so hard and so long during the week that I'm exhausted on Monday, even though it's just been a weekend because the kids are very, very full on.

Katie:

Yeah, I really feel you on that, especially going from having no children, knowing you don't want your own children, and then suddenly having four kids pretty much every weekend. Like, how has that felt for you?

Rosie:

It's it's definitely been a challenge. I think at first it wasn't a challenge because I were kind of getting used to things, and I I did get into a habit of not making plans with anybody because I was thinking, oh, what if the kids asked to do something and I didn't want to let them down? But then after a while, I thought, well, no, I need to still see my friends, I need to still see my family, and this is the only time that I can do that. And it took my partner a little bit of time to get used to it as well, because he had been with his ex for over 10 years, so he'd only been used to being in a relationship with the mother of the children, and it it didn't really make sense to him that he was in a relationship with somebody that wasn't spending every single family day out together or every single even you know, movie night. And I had to explain to him that as much as I love spending time with everybody, I also do need to have a little bit of me time because at the end of the day, even though I chose to be with somebody with four children, I didn't make the decision to have those four children every day of my life.

Katie:

Yeah, and what was the reaction like from your friends and family around that?

Rosie:

My mum was absolutely ecstatic because she's got seven children and only one of us have a child. So when she when I met him and she's and I said, Oh, I'm not sure, mum, he's got four children. I think it's a lot, and she was like, Well, I've got seven children. What like what's the big deal? So she was like instantly within a week, she was saying she's got four more grandchildren, and I'm thinking, You've not even met them yet. So she was really happy. Um, my other brothers and sisters, to be honest, I don't really think they've given me an opinion, but they they've all been very supportive. And my brother, the first Christmas got all the kids some like sweet boxes and things, and my mum always does birthdays, Easter, Christmas. Um, my friends, one of my best friends actually did meet somebody at a similar time to myself and my partner. It was a few months later, who also has four children.

Katie:

Wow.

Rosie:

So, yeah, so at first I thought, oh, this is brilliant because I've got somebody very close to me and we can we've we're in the same situation. However, their situation is so different that if I ever go to her with anything, she kind of brushes it off in a way because she just cannot relate. So she they have the children every other weekend, they don't they're not involved in the week, don't have any weekday contact, they're not, they don't have any like school contact, they don't go to parents' evening or anything like that. And the children are I'm not saying that mine aren't well behaved, but theirs are like absolute angels where they don't need to do anything in terms of discipline, none of them have phones, tablets, all that sort of stuff. So it's just such an opposite situation that other than my close friend, I don't actually know any other step parents. So everybody else that I've spoken to have been like, you've got four stepchildren, they think I'm mad basically.

Katie:

I kind of see why. I mean, it's I think especially for somebody who it hasn't decided to have their own kids, like it it's a lot, it is a lot. So, how has your relationship with the children been?

Rosie:

So at the beginning, it was amazing. Unfortunately, when my partner told his ex that I met the children, she then became increasingly difficult, but the children were absolutely fine, and because they were so young, it was kind of an exciting new thing. The oldest, who is now nearly 11, she did go through a phase of rejecting me. So when I first met her, she was absolutely obsessed. She wouldn't leave me, my side, she was always sat next to me, she would always want to come to my house. And before they actually slept over, she used to say to my partner, Can I stay here while you go and bath and put the others to bed? And then he would come and either collect her or I would go and drop her back off. Um, so it went from that and she used to ring me. She had a phone at quite a young age, which I don't agree with, but she used to ring me constantly during the week when she was at her mum's house or if she was at my partner's parents' house, she just wouldn't, you know, I didn't get a minute. And then that was unusual for me because obviously I'm used to my own space. So that was hard to get used to. Then when I got used to it, she then went the opposite way and she said that her dad doesn't love her anymore because he loves me, and she ri she did really struggle. And I think part of the reasons why she struggled was because my partner didn't have any rules, boundaries, nothing. The kids did what they want, they ate what they want, uh what they wanted. Sorry. And when I was a little bit more involved and they started coming to my house, the first day they came, unfortunately, they got in my jewellery box and they snapped some very expensive jewellery. So I I had to quickly put rules and boundaries in place, and I think because it was it was obvious that it was from me, she then was like, Oh, I used to stay up till midnight with my dad, and now I'm going to bed at eight o'clock. And it was quite a big adjustment, and then the other three were absolutely fine. Fast forward to now, which is a few years on, I'd probably say the oldest is the the one that I'd I I still struggle with a little bit. She's not she's she's lovely, and she sometimes will tell me that she loves me, but out of the four, she's the least affectionate, and she's the one where you can see that she struggles a little bit with some of the rules in the house because they are so different. And then the youngest who is a boy, I think because I've known him for so long, he just understands me and he doesn't have an issue with anything, and we have really good conversations. The youngest girl is has recently started struggling with me, which is again hard to deal with because from a very well, from day one, she was all over me, she was very kissy and touchy, which is again something that I'm not used to, and she's gone from that to my mum, my mum, my mum. So everything I do all day, every day, her mum does the same or better, which is fine. And I understand little girls absolutely love the mum, and they're always gonna be a cheerleader for the mum, but it it's quite difficult because we're now at the point where if we say, Oh, well, we can't do that in this house, or you know, we're not staying up till this late, well, it's mum my mum lets me, my mum lets me, and I then get this kind of rejection in a way because her mum lets her, so that's that's a new thing, but that is kind of hard to navigate at the minute. And then the oldest boy, he is amazing, he's like my little twin in a way. It's it's funny because I think I relate to him the most. He's he's not affectionate in the slightest, he does have additional needs, but it's some of the things, some of the little quirks that he has were like what I was like when I was younger. So, out of the four, if you didn't know them and you just kind of had like a little write-up of each person, you would expect him to be the most difficult because of the additional needs that he has. However, for me, he's the easiest out of them all. He's amazing.

Katie:

It's interesting, isn't it? And I think what you were saying about the house rules really, really resonated with me, and it's something I hear so much about how and it is usually that the older girls who struggle the most with a stepmum. And you know, interesting. The research will say that the more they like you, actually, the harder they find it because they feel like they're being really disloyal to their mum, even if they can't process that that's what's going on. Your elder stepdaughter is feeling like really connected to you, wants to be around you all all the time, but has got this little voice, whether her mum's actually saying anything or not, who knows? But saying, like, yeah, you must like me more, you must like me more. So really, really, really difficult. And you know, she's entering those hormonal years, so I'm not gonna sit here and say it's gonna get easier.

Rosie:

Yeah, she did. She, I think she's had them for years, to be honest. She's been hormonal for since I've met her. But she is she's she's very loyal to her mum, and she's very loyal to her dad as well. So there have been situations where they've gone back to the mum's house, they've explained something's happened. Her mum, from my opinion, must have said something like, Well, what did your dad do? And then she's lied about me to kind of stick up for her dad in the way. So that's been difficult because then we've been getting nasty messages from the ex saying, Why would you let your partner do this and do that? And there was there was an incident where uh one of the kids really just did not want to eat the tea, and all I said was you need to eat your tea, like something along those lines, you need to eat your food that's on the pl on your on the plate. Um, and it got to a point where he got very upset about it. So he's obviously, and it to be honest, he didn't eat his tea because he was that upset, and he's obviously gone back to his mum and said, you know, I was upset at tea time, and it's then come back around to me, and it's my fault because I forced him to eat his tea, which I absolutely didn't. Um so it's just little things like that that's hard because it's never the mum or the dad, it's always me that's the issue, which it is not, but that's just sometimes I think the way that kids are when they're loyal to the parents.

Katie:

And you know what? I think it's much easier for a child to admit they feel hurt by or cross with or angry towards their stepmum than it is to actually admit to themselves, well, I'm I'm actually pissed off with my dad, or I'm actually pissed off with my mum. So it it seems to happen so often that that anger resentment gets pushed towards the stepmum. And I was thinking while you were chatting, you know, being any sort of parent is really, really hard, but at least when you're a biological parent, for the most part, you don't have like a third party giving you a constant critique on your performance, you know? Whereas when you're a step parent, you do you get those messages on a Sunday night, or you get, you know, all of that, and the the stress it puts on people is horrendous. Like, how's your how's your sort of mental health been through the process?

Rosie:

Horrendous, I would say, and I'm I don't want to sound dramatic, but I think it's the because we met in lockdown that was a hard time for me anyway, because I lived on my own and I was quite isolated for quite a long time before we could actually go out and do anything. And then when I met my partner, it was like this is the best thing in the world, but then I think the main part for me is the the issues that I've come with the ex that has mentally not been great at all, and I think it even now, years on, if we have a school event and and know that she's gonna be there, I I feel physically sick and I feel very anxious, and it's not that I'm scared of seeing her, it's just all of the drama that we've had for the past few years and all of the ridiculous accusations that my partner has had. It makes me think, well, well, what's next? And I'm like conscious of what I do and what I say. And the oldest stepdaughter just doesn't even acknowledge my existence when her mum's there because it's that obvious that her mum cannot stand me that she probably then thinks, Well, well, what do I do? And her mum even goes as far as saying, Go and give your dad a hug. And my partner's mum comes to quite a lot of things with us as well, and she'll say, Go and give your dad and your nan a hug, and just looks at me and then looks away.

Katie:

And I'm like, That's just not the way to be in front of children, but it just gives me so much anxiety because I know I'm getting rejected from stepkids, as well as the mum just like ignoring that I'm even the that's so hard, and it like you say, it sends such a message to the kids like I do not support your relationship with Rosie, like she might as well wear it on a t-shirt because it's just totally not acknowledging that you know everything that you're doing for them half the bloody week.

Rosie:

Yeah, and she's it. I I try not to go to pick ups and drop-offs anymore. I did used to go, but I avoid them now. But if I ever am in the car, she won't even speak to my partner anymore. So they used to have like a little two-minute catch-up on how the kids have been on the days that he's not seen them, and she just literally they get in the car and she goes back in and that's it. And to me, that even paints a picture to the children because she can't even look or wave or say hi, or she well, she never has done, and it's like they're not they're not babies anymore, they can they can quite clearly see that there isn't any communication, and they'll be able to see that when I'm not there, the mum and dad speak, and then when I am there, they don't speak. So again, it feels like it's me all the time, and it it looks like it's me. And even at Sports Day last year, I was only able to go to half of it, and in the morning, he stayed away, didn't speak, nothing, and then in the afternoon, she was stood next to my partner having a good old chat with him. So it's like, well, I've I've not facilitated, I've not said you can't, you know, don't go near anybody, but she just chooses to when I'm when I'm there, not not be around anybody, and it's not as if I've ever done anything wrong or said anything wrong. I've just I've just been in her ex's life. And the funny thing is she is now in a relationship with a a a woman, and so the thing that's hard for me is that she clearly doesn't want to you know get back in the relationship that she was in um because she's happy with her partner, but you you think in a way sometimes you think, oh, the ex doesn't like you because they know it's the end of the relationship, but in this situation it's it's just not the case, so it's hard, and I don't understand why she's never kind of accepted me in the kids' lives. Has it always been like this? Do you have any idea from the minute my partner said I'd met the kids, she was completely the opposite with him and just wouldn't speak to him. And they they had quite a good relationship before I met the kids, and then about a year or two in, it got really bad to the point where they couldn't even do handovers, they had to do they had to go through a third party, and then one day the third party said, I don't want to do this anymore, so then they had to kind of suck it up and deal with it, and then she had some issues with her partner who was accusing my partner of some ridiculous things, so that was really bad because they started messaging me, so I was getting constant messages from both of them, and it was a bit of a funny thing because she'd asked us to go around to her mum's house to discuss what had happened. They'd had this big fallout, her partner had got the wrong end of the stick, she'd seen some old messages and kind of thought something of it that wasn't really anything. So she she then explained to us that she'd been in this controlling relationship, she'd not been able to co-parent. The reason why she'd kind of been the way that she had been was because of her partner not allowing her to do anything. Her partner always stood next to her, you know, at pickups and drop offs and things like that. So all I said was, Oh, well, I did wonder why your partner was, you know, was always kind of stood there. Um and she said, You well, yeah, that that's basically why she just didn't want me to ever be around him without her being there. And then a week later they decided to get back together. And this is the woman she's with now, yeah. So She's been with her since my partner and her split up. They kind of it there was kind of a bit of a crossover time. So they've been together for a little bit longer than us. And they got back together after this whole um, I don't even know how what to say because it was it was ridiculous. Extravaganza? Yeah. And her even her mum was sat with us and she was saying how she, you know, she wasn't a very nice person and she she can't wait to get rid of her out of her life and all this stuff. Um anyway, they got back together and then this one comment that I made, which was I did wonder why she was always stood next to you, got back to her, and I was getting abuse, constant text messages saying how the kids are scared of me, the kids hate coming to my house, they cry every time they get back, the dad never does anything with them, and I'm thinking, well, he he does because he sees them all the time. Um and they're still together now. Um, so since then it's been even harder because she'd kind of ignored me but just ignored me. Then she'd acknowledge me because she needed to tell me about this ridiculous fallout that they'd had, and then they got back together, and it was like I'm the world's worst person, and she's like best friends with my partner when she sees him, and still I'm like non-existent to everybody.

Katie:

That's hard and worrying for your partner's ex to be in that type of relationship, and for your stepkids to be seeing that type of relationship, if you know, if what you're saying about the way that she their mother's controlled and not allowed to do certain things like that's a real must be a real concern for you and your partner for the kids.

Rosie:

Yeah, and that's what I said, and I said it's hard because we only have one version of what's happened and we don't see or hear what goes on in their house. And there'd only been one instance where one of the kids had said they'd got woke up by the mum uh arguing, so it was a bit like, well, it's not really for us to get involved, but it was one of those things where you think, well, because she said I'm being controlled and I'm not allowed to do this, that, and the other. Do we do we actually do something about it? But because of the things that her partner was accusing my partner of, we were a little bit like stuck because we didn't want to put the children through having all these people, you know, start questioning them and and seeing. So we just thought, well, we'll we'll leave it as it is, we'll see how it goes, and then if there are real concerns, we'll then do something about it. And it it has been fine up until recently, and the kids have started saying little things like why did you split up with mummy? Because they did nearly get married, so they said, Why did you split up before you got married? And they've been asking a a lot of questions to be fair, um, only over the past few weeks. And one of the things that my partner said was, Well, me and your mum are happier now because we're not arguing anymore, and kind of explain that we're happier not being together. And he explained, you know, I'm happy with Rosie, your mum's happy with her partner, and one of the kids said, But mummy's not happy, so I was like, Oh, this is why we're getting all these questions, and I just I want to help them and I want to shelter them from whatever's going on, but because we don't know what, you know, it could be just one argument and she's heard it and then she thinks it's the end of the world, or it could be a constant thing, but she's seven now, so they're a little bit more aware of things, I would think, and they do stay up quite late at the mum's house as well. So you would expect if they are arguing, you know, later in the day that the kids probably are hearing it as well.

Katie:

It's really hard, isn't it? Because sometimes things go on in stepfamilies in the other house. I find with a lot of the men that I coach, they will be concerned about things that are going on in their ex-partner's house, but almost not want to raise it because they know how it feels to have your own home criticized and they know they're just gonna go into bat. And I think when it's obviously in some situations you've got no choice, you've got to raise it if the kids are at risk of harm. But in other situations, you know, I know many men who'll be like, I just I don't want it to be like that, but I can't have a constructive conversation with my ex without them accusing me of this, that, and the other. So it becomes really difficult to constructively co-parent, and then you just have to do your own thing. But then it's really hard because the kids can see, okay, well, my mum and dad aren't aligned. So it's like this constant battle of like, where do I place my energy? What do I get involved in? What do I step back from? And you know, especially for you by the sounds of it, you're giving a hell of a lot of yourself in this situation, yeah.

Rosie:

And it's funny because our households are so different that I I do I do feel for the kids sometimes because it must be hard for a child to live in two households that are so very different, and the the youngest two probably don't even remember the mum and dad living in the house together, so it's probably not as hard for them in terms of going from always having one household to then going into two, but it's still going to be very different because even something small that's well, some people see as small, like eating at the table. They don't have a table at the mum's house, so they don't even need to like worry about that. And the mum and then their other step-mum, from what I've kind of gathered, the mum is like the primary person in the household, and the step-mum's the fun kind of auntie in a way. Whereas in our household, the dad's obviously the the primary person and he does the most for them, but then the kids can kind of take advantage of that sometimes, and there will be times where I will then step in and say, We're not negotiating about brushing our teeth, we're just doing it because otherwise it's like ip dip do for 10 minutes before anything gets done. So I think even that's different for them, and having two step mums, they kind of go like, oh well, one step mum is like fun all the time, and then the other step-mum is fun half of the time because she makes us brush our teeth and makes us eat vegetables and stuff like that. So it's it's funny really for them. I'm getting well, I don't know because obviously I've never experienced it, but I can imagine it being strange for them.

Katie:

Yeah, and like hard for you as well, because you want to be the fun one, but you actually you've got an interest in these kids' health and well-being, and wanting them to brush their teeth is like fairly normal. I say it to my kids, I'm like, oh God, like every single day you're gonna have to brush your teeth for two minutes in the morning and two minutes in the evening. Like, do we really have to argue about it? It's and I've never turned around and gone, oh, all right, because you win, you don't have to. So every day I'm like, why are we having this battle again? Like it's getting a little bit better, but um, yeah, it's like total pain point for me because I just can't bear having the same conversation over and over again about bloody teeth. So look, Rosie, before I let you go, I'm really interested in any advice that you've got for women who don't have their own children, don't want their own children, and are starting off in their journey as a stepmum.

Rosie:

I would say you still need to keep your own identity and still do the things that you did before you met your partner with children, because it's a very, very big change. Um you've got to kind of decide what role you want to play, because for me, I was kind of going with the flow of how family was already set up, and then I had to kind of step back. So if you are, you know, happy doing all the bath times and the meal times and the cooking and the cleaning and all, that's fine. But if you don't want to do it, don't start doing it because then you've got to go back on it. I think that's probably the main thing, is just make sure that you're comfortable and happy with everything and don't be afraid to just sit down with your partner and say, This is what I'm okay with, this is what I'm comfortable with. Because I had to have that conversation, you know, quite early on because my partner just didn't understand why I didn't want to spend every second of every day with him and the kids. And I was like, look, you've got to understand, I've not got children, I've never really wanted children, and so there will be some weekends where I just want to go and do my own thing, and that is absolutely fine.

Katie:

Yeah, because you're already making a big sacrifice in your life. Yeah, definitely. Well, look, thank you so much for talking to me, Rosie. It's been really, really nice, and I hope that you get a bit of respite from those messages. A lot of stepmums swear by that block button, um, but you have to do what works in your own situation. Take care, and thank you so much for talking to me. Thanks for having me. A massive thank you to Rosie for sharing so openly. And those final three pieces of advice: Stepmum Gold. Keep your own identity, keep doing what lit you up before stepchildren came into the picture, decide what role you want to play and make sure you and your partner are aligned. This role can be beautiful, as so many of us know, but it's also complex, and without clear boundaries, it can absolutely consume you. People might not always love it when you set limits to protect your energy, your time, or your emotional resources, but doing so is essential for your own well-being. If you need support with any of this or any other part of Stepmum Life, please reach out. I would love to hear from you. Thanks again to Rosie, and if you have a story you'd like to share, please get in touch. The show only exists because of women like you who are brave enough to speak up. Make sure you're following the show on your podcast app so you never miss an episode, and I will see you next week.

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Katie South

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