Stepmum Space

Episode 55: Trying for the Fairytale: When Nothing You Do Is Enough

• Katie South

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In this episode of Stepmum Space, Katie sits down with Tess — a woman living the complexities of stepfamily life from both sides. She’s a stepmum to three children, and her own child also has a stepmum, giving her a rare and deeply layered perspective.

Tess opens up about the emotional toll of trying to create the perfect blended family — the fairytale — while feeling unappreciated, rejected, and emotionally drained. From being the stricter household to hearing the constant echo of “My Mum Says…”, Tess shares what it’s like to give everything and still feel like it’s never enough.

This episode explores:

  • The heartbreak of loving your partner but feeling rejected by his children
  • The emotional weight of being the stricter house
  • The pain of trying hard for your stepkids without recognition
  • How to cope when your home feels dominated by talk of the biological mum
  • Tess’s advice for staying grounded — including her mantra: “Find the funny” which reminds us that even in the hardest moments, humour can be a lifeline.

If you’re in the thick of it right now, this conversation is here to remind you: you’re not alone. You’re doing more than you know, and your efforts matter.

If Stepmum Space has ever helped you feel seen, heard, or understood, please consider rating or reviewing the podcast wherever you listen. Your support helps others discover the show and reminds them they’re not alone.

We’d love to hear from you. If you’d like to share your own experience, reach out via email katie@stepmumspace.com

New episodes drop weekly. Subscribe now so you never miss a moment of support, insight, and solidarity.

Keywords:

Stepmum podcast, Blended family struggles, Stepfamily dynamics, Stepmum emotional support, Biological mum tension, Feeling unappreciated as a stepmum,

Stepmum rejection, Stricter household parenting, Stepmum heartbreak, Coping with stepchildren, “My Mum Says” stepfamily, Stepmum vs bio mum, Loving your partner, rejected by his kids, Stepfamily fairytale myth, Stepmum advice UK, Stepmum space podcast, Step-parenting challenges, Stepmum mental health, Stepmum validation, Stepmum community support,

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Katie:

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. Our guest today is Tess, a woman navigating one of the most complex and emotionally layered dynamics in stepfamily life. Not only is she a stepmum to three children, but her own child also has a stepmum, giving her a unique perspective from both sides of the stepfamily experience. If you've ever felt sidelined by the dreaded My Mum says line, this episode is for you. We're diving into what it's like when your home feels overshadowed by the presence and opinions of the biological mum and you're left feeling invisible, unappreciated, or just plain exhausted. Tess opens up about being the stricter house, the heartbreak of loving your partner deeply while feeling rejected by his children, and the emotional toll of trying so hard to create the fairy tale, only to feel like your efforts go unnoticed. And if you're in that space right now, I want you to know I see you. You are not alone. And in this conversation, Tess shares her story with honesty, vulnerability, and strength, along with practical advice to help you feel more grounded, more empowered, and more understood. Let's dive in. So welcome to the show, Tess. Hi. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. I thought that there would be a lot of women that would get in touch with me who were step mums themselves, but who also had a child who had a stepmum. And it's not something I've heard much of, but I know that's your situation. So I'm really looking forward to getting into that dynamic later and seeing how almost being in the middle of all the different roles feels for you. Yeah, a bit challenging sometimes. Yeah, tell me about it. So look, let's kick off. Tell me a bit about yourself and your family.

Tess:

Um, so I've been with a partner four years. Um, but we've actually we worked together at home in the same place for over 10 years. Oh kind of known each other, I've known a little bit about his family. Um, so I wasn't like a complete stranger as such. I've met the kids a few times. So he's got three kids, and I have a son myself. So I just split up with my son's dad, and I kind of I was like, you know, it'd come out as a little bit of uh emotional abusive relationship. So it's come out of it um for both me and my son, and I kind of was like, no, I'm gonna focus on myself, I'm not looking for anything, and it just the fact came along, things developed, and it yeah, it wasn't planned at all. Very much kind of it was both a bit like, where was this actually happening?

Katie:

kind of type thing. It's so funny when that happens, isn't it? You hear a lot of people say, when you're not looking, that's when you'll find it. And when you are looking, yeah, it's really annoying to hear that. But actually, it is true, it just kind of comes out of nowhere. So, how how did the relationship progress?

Tess:

It very naturally just happened. It wasn't kind of like, oh, we're gonna be dating each other. It just, I was going through a tough time. My ex-husband wasn't very nice, so he was kind of a bit of a shoulder, and it just very naturally just you know, he'd be like, Look, I'm here if you want to talk to. So, you know, we'd come to work, and my work was very male-oriented. So crown round, and he was like, Look, you know, I'm here, I've been through something similar myself, and it just very much developed from there. And there's a bit of a there's a 14-year gap between us, so he's very he's the older one, and I just found a lot of comfort within him, and it just naturally developed, so it kind of started dating, and we kind of kept the kids out of it a little bit. Um, how old were the kids at this point? We would have had a five-year-old, a nine-year-old, and so 11-year-old, so still pretty young, but one coming into the teenager years, um, and then my son was five at the time as well, which was really nice because he's got he had a five-year-old, and I had a five-year-old. I thought, oh, that'll be lovely. And then to kind of get on, and then yeah, we just kind of started dating. We kind of got the kids, did a bit of a meeting in a mutual place. We went to kind of an outdoor activity so all the kids could meet each other. I think it kind of affected my or my son. He was a bit overwhelmed by it, bless him. Um, but he loved them, fell in love with them, and we just started doing like little things like that for a few months together, and then COVID hit, and it very quickly springboarded. He was like, Look, you know, you can stay here because I was living at my mum's, uh, but for like work reasons, he was like, Look, stay here, it's easier. I'm gonna be out at work because we're both key workers, so you stay here and it'll be fine. And then so we did that, and it was like, Oh, it's fine, it's only temporary for the kids because it was very springboarded on both of us as adults. You're a bit like wow, okay. And then to put kids in it, the kids I think adapted so well, they were absolutely fantastic.

Katie:

So, at what point did you tell them actually your dad's girlfriend?

Tess:

We didn't exactly like just tell them. Dad had conversations and we'd talk on the phone. And when I was like at my mum's, and he he would kind of say, Oh, you know, Tessa's ringing and really liable. He'd tell the kids this and be very open with the kids. He'd been with someone previous year, only very, very briefly, and it didn't work out. And he he called it off, which again I knew about with us working together, we always kind of chit-chat anyway. And it just, I think they they were like more pushing for him to say, Oh, she a girlfriend, is she your girlfriend? So it was more of the narrative came from then than it was us, and then we did kind of say to him, look, because of COVID, we're you know, Tessa's gonna come say here, and they were like, Okay, yeah, that's fine, you know, and there weren't phased, and I thought, oh, this is gonna be amazing. It's gonna be like a one of those fairy tales, it's not gonna be the evil stepmother, it's gonna be I'm gonna be amazing, and it oh everything's gonna be amazing. I think that very quickly fell.

Katie:

Yeah, even as you were saying that, I've got in my head this kind of voice going, oh no, there goes another one. Like, you know, coming into it thinking, I'm gonna break the wicked stepmother narrative. And yeah, so tell me what happened, Tess.

Tess:

He asked me after COVID, the lockdown happened, and he was like, Look, I don't want you to leave, will you move in? And I said, Yeah, the kids are all happy. Brilliant. It was more the eldest, the 11-year-old, she's now 15. It was her that kind of was the main one to start with, and it was very much, well, mum said this and mum said that, and mum, their mum is it was kind of like she was like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be friends with stepmum. So she was kind of on board with having this great relationship, but it was only really to get at me for if something wasn't going right with dad, oh, it's her fault, it's her fault. So I was a bit using a bit of a scapegoat around it.

Katie:

Let me understand. So during COVID, by her mum knows you you are there, she knows that you're girlfriend and she's supportive.

Tess:

Yeah, she was supportive, and you know, give her a do. She was like saying to the kids, look, it's a great thing your dad's moved on, which really helped at the time. But it was only it was great when it was like that. But when dad didn't, if she's a jump, he would go how high, but he didn't do that. It was like, it's her fault, it's her fault. So a lot of the negativity started to come from by a mum. So, especially with the 11-year-old at the time, you know, she's finding herself she's a young woman, all these emotions, and she was like, I wish dad would get back with mum. And it was like we'd sit down next to each other on the sofa, and she'd be like, Oh, I'm I'm coming on dad's knee. And it was like, Well, I'll barge you out the way to get to dad. And I was like, Okay, that's fine, I'll give you space, you know, I respect all of this because it's on you, so let's take it slow. I don't want to impose. And I kind of very much said to my partner, look, I don't want to impose. If I am, and when you've got the kids, I'll go and stay with my mum's if you just want time with them. I don't want it being too much for them. And he was like, No, no, no, you know, they've got to get used to it, you're here to stay. And it kind of a lot of that it went on for a quite a few months with the the 11-year-old girl, and bless her, she absolutely kind of any point would walk, it'd be like, just barge get in front of me, or you're not coming here, it's my dad. I wish dad got back with mum, and it was just constant. I think that first pretty year with her. Then she just I think she kind of got older, she was like, Well, actually, she is really good, and I was making such a point of being so fantastic, and yeah, I'll do everything, and I'll take us on days out, and I'll do all of this, it's absolutely fine. House is spotless, yeah, you don't have to worry. And I think for me, I kind of I was trying, I think I was trying to prove something to him that I could be this person, you know. I've got a son of my own, I'm still learning, but I can do this, you know. I can be this really nice, you know, and I am but this lovely person to everybody, and you know, not the negative's not gonna bother me, but that very kind of quickly it did start to affect me because then you go when they are behaving a bit like that, is why me? Why are you doing this? I'm doing everything nice, I'm doing everything you want. Why are you doing this to me? Yeah, and like I think with my son, he was so accepting of my partner, and like they've got even now, they've got an absolutely fantastic relationship, and it is so easy. Yeah, he's never had any of these difficulties with my son or anything like that. With the three other with his three, it has been it's like we get one going, okay, it's all good, and then the next one will go. And then we had the boy who, as he got older, was like, No, I don't respect what you're saying. I'm not gonna follow your rules. I don't care what you say. I'm like, Well, it's my house, my rules. What my mum says, and it was like that famous thing. And as a mother, you're going, I feel like I'm failing it, even though I'm not their mum. I feel like I'm failing them. And it's like, I'd say to my partner, Am I okay to kind of say this when you're at work and I've got them? And he went, Look, we're a team. You you do as you would with your son. He says, I fully respect you and I will back you up, which was absolutely fantastic. And like some days it just became overwhelming, and I'd just be like, they'd be here, and I'd sometimes I'd dread them coming. I love them dearly, but the dread of me and the anxiety that would build up just would be like, Oh my god, you know, they're coming, oh my god, or am I just gonna get this, am I gonna get that? And you build up this picture before they've even arrived, and sometimes they'd come and it would be an amazing weekend, and other times would come and it would be such they'd be with a mum, and the negativity from that would just be horrendous.

Katie:

And it would be like, Well, my mum says this about you, well, my mum says this, and we think mum's right, and and and in those situations where they're saying this, so for I mean, firstly, Tess, like I think you've just described so well what so many people feel in the run-up to stepchildren coming when the relationship's less than perfect, like that anxiety in the pit of your stomach, and almost like starting to feel on edge on the Wednesday when they're coming for the weekend. And you know, you don't know what you're gonna get, and it is different to your own children because you know, my biological children, when I pick them up from school, most days they've got a gripe about something, whether I haven't bought a snack for the walk, or whether you know they don't want to go to their swimming lessons. But I don't worry about that in advance, and yeah, I don't know what that's about. Like whether it's a thing that actually I know that if my own children are being like that, I can explain to them why it's important that they go to swimming lessons, or I can, you know, you can like manage it in the way that you see best, and you know you're not gonna get backlash from somebody else for it. Thank you for articulating it so well. I'm curious to know when you were getting I want to say pulled up, but that implies you've done something wrong, so it's probably not the right phrase. But when the stepkids were saying to you, you know, we don't like it how you do this, mum says this, and blah, blah, blah. Where was your partner in that?

Tess:

I think for him, it's been very difficult adjusting because it's so easy with my son. I don't think he always gets how difficult it can be for me. So it has been it tough for him, and but sometimes it's kind of like I think it's not a case of wanting to hear the negativity. I think he wants that kind of fairy tale aspect as well. So I kind of very much would do everything and be everything, and built up such this expectation that I wasn't able to keep it. And mentally, obviously, I'd come out with such an emotional, uh, you know, abusive relationship that I had a lot of disil with myself. He had the ex, the kid's mum, when things didn't, you know, he would do something that she wanted because it was what she wanted, and that was it, it was her way or no way. He would kind of get bogged down with that, and then she would see me on the school runs because I'd go on to the same school, and it would very much be like, Well, he hasn't done this, and would just publicly go at me. So I'd have that, have the kids kind of mirroring what mum was doing, and then the kids coming at me because mum doesn't have rules. Whereas we having four kids, you have to have some stability and some routine, having some rules, you know, not strict, but kind of getting everyone on time to school, homework, getting fed, activities.

Katie:

A lot of step mums do struggle with being the quote unquote stricter house. Like, I don't I don't think there's actually anything wrong with being strict. I think sometimes we can be too kind of lenient and yeah, like we can be too permissive. Like kids do need boundaries, they do need to understand rules. The real world has rules within which we all have to operate. So, you know, if you're not if you're late for work in the real world, you're gonna get fired eventually. And the same thing, we are raising adults is what I always tell myself. So if my five-year-old is old enough to get out a load of Barbies, she's old enough to put them away, is my view. And I don't feel a shred of guilt about telling her to do that. But when I was telling a stepchild to do that, and I would get no slight on my stepdaughter because it was a perfectly normal reaction from a child to feel pissed off that they're being asked to tidy up, like my own daughter does it. But I would feel really guilty about enforcing that with my stepdaughter, whereas my own daughter, I'm like, Well, you got them out, you can put them away. And I think it's entirely reasonable. I don't second guess myself.

Tess:

And that's the thing, it's and that's what kind of we were getting. It was like three against one, and then blessed, there's my son going, okay, mummy, yep, I'll do that. That's no problem. And then I'd like ask the others, and I'd be like, Oh my god, what is the backlash I'm gonna get? Is it from them? Is it the mum? We'd have arguments where I'd be like, right, go tie to your room, and I'd ask and ask and ask, and I'd be like, right, guys, bring your phones down. And it'd be like, Well, we're in your mum, mum will say it's okay. And I'm like, no, guys, this isn't your mum's house. This is my house, mine and your dad's house, and it's our rules. Let's go back to the money's go, oh Tessa's done this, and they'd all laugh and make catty comments. Bless the little girl, would be like, Oh, those guys were saying that because she would just feel absolutely horrendous and would come and tell me. And I'm like, Thank you for telling me, but I also didn't really want to know because that makes it even harder and it makes me feel awful. And you kind of go on a roundabout, and I think even now, as they're older, it's not great at the moment, you know. Mum's got kids off school constantly. We're having a battle just to get any sort of official backing for us to kind of help the kids, so we've got a lot going on at the moment, and yeah, mum's just like, it's absolutely fine, it's absolutely fine. That every time she rings, the dread that fills me is like, oh my god, what's going on now? What is going on now? And my partner, he very much at the beginning was of, like I said, the bit of a fairy tale. But then as we kind of came on, he was like, Because I did so much. My mum and my sister, they don't have you know, my mum's got me, but my sister don't have kids, they didn't understand the stepkids, and they were like, Well, why are you doing this? She's just kind of ruling your relationship. So I'd get a lot of negativity from there because it just and it wasn't them, it's just they didn't understand it. So you then start to feel so alone in this role that is increasingly difficult. And there's been days where I'd just go upstairs and I'd just cry because I'm like, I don't know what to do. I love this man so much, but I feel that everywhere I turn, all I see is negativity, and trying to find a ray of positivity within it sometimes was so difficult. You know, I'd come out of such a big thing with my son's dad that for me I was like trying to heal and trying to go, you know, building myself back up from being so broken, but I couldn't. It just kept getting hit and hit and hit, and I had to have a bit of an emotional breakdown, and I'm very open about it because I kind of I want to help other step-mums when it's great, it's so rewarding and it is fantastic. However, it's like the pot of gold, it's very hard to find, and sometimes holding on to that in such negativities is just so hard. It's just like this storm's come and just wiped everything away, you including. And I'd gone through this bit of a breakdown, but I was still kind of stepping up and being a stepmum to the kids. I'd still be doing that, and then all of a sudden, very quickly, Mumma was like, Well, I've gone through a breakdown, and but you've got to have the kids. And I was like, Well, okay, get that, and I'm there for the kids 100%, but you've got to give us some time as well. We've gone through a lot.

Katie:

I'm sorry you went through all of that, and I'm grateful to you for sharing it because, as you say, it will give other people comfort to know they're not alone. The part of your story that confuses me, and you know, maybe it shouldn't, because you're not the first person who's mentioned it, but BioMum has lots of negative opinions and criticisms of you. Yeah, yeah. She wants you to have the children more. Yeah, correct. Which to me makes no sense because if you genuinely have a criticism or you genuinely have a concern about somebody, you want them away from your children.

Tess:

Away from oh, 100%. So I would be called a narcissist, I'd be called that I'm spying on her. I went and picked up the teenage daughter a few months ago, and it was all agreed. And the next minute she'd run my partner going, she's kidnapping her, she's kidnapping her. And I'm like, hang on a second, this was all agreed. So I don't have any contact with biomum. I try and avoid speaking to her, I don't engage, and it's just better for the kids. We've got to a stage now where dad will be like to the biome, you can say whatever you want, but my focus is the kids, and she will go at a drop of hat, you have to have the kids for a whole week, and then won't contact the kids and explain why. So then it'll be down to us, and you're kind of thinking, Well, do the kids think we're lying? So you have to be extremely honest with the kids, which is great, but for them, it isn't so great. I grew up without my dad in the picture um after a few years, kind of about seven, eight. And I think it's part of the plea from my side why I probably kind of wanted it to be fantastic. You know, I'd grown up with my dad for so long. At seven, he left. So I knew as a kid what it felt like to not have a parent around. So I even more wanted to probably say, I want to provide all of this because I never had it. Like you would if even if it was your own kid, you'd go, Well, I never had that, or I didn't have a lot growing up, so I'm gonna give my kid everything I can and work so hard. And that does portray to the stepkids. Um, but then when you get in behaviour and negativity, you kind of go, I want to do that, but I'm torn because I want to do that, but I don't I feel I'm getting the negative to kind of why should I? And that's awful, and you kind of feel really guilty for saying that. But you want the best from them, you will do absolutely anything. But sometimes you kind of go, Well, hang on a second, if this was my son and he was behaving like that to me, I wouldn't do that. So you question yourself a lot, and it's so difficult, and especially because there's not a lot of narrative around step mums. Um, like I came across your podcast and it's just helped me fantastically, just hearing other people's stories, going, and like some days when I'm having a bad day, I'll listen to your podcast, go, Oh, I'm not alone. I'm so not alone. And it's just having that I think that real, that real aspect to it. Because when you actually look online, it's like, oh, you must do this and you must do that. And there's not a lot of true emotion behind what is written, and then you kind of get lost in it, going, Well, I don't know what to do. And you sort of feel then feel even more alone because you've got family that don't understand, your partner that kind of does, but actually, he's got it so easy with your son, doesn't understand, and you've got negativity from a bio mum, and then from my side, I also have a stepmum to deal with, and you kind of get mini-negativity from there, and you go, Oh my god.

Katie:

Yeah, I appreciate what you said so much about about the podcast because we always try to help women feel they're not alone, and you know, we're always updating resources at stepmumspace.com. So for anyone listening, do head there and have a look. Um, if you're looking for extra support, I think what what you said then, which sort of struck me, we are always told, and it is for the most part, what you always do need to do is be positive about BioMum. But what so many people struggle with is when BioMum is causing chaos and lying and manipulating and all those awful things that not all biomums do, but I hear a lot of stories where they do. A lot of step mums are then stuck in, like, well, hang on a minute, do I continue to say nothing negative about biomum? But then I'm basically throwing myself under a bus, or do I like how do you choose your words? And then depending on the age of the kids, you're like, well, you can't kind of necessarily talk your way around everything. So being in the position where you're like, okay, the truth means it looks like I'm throwing biomum under the bus. If I'm positive about her, then I just chuck myself under it. Like, where do I go?

Tess:

And and I think that's the thing, you know. Like, if you would come up in the street on the school run and would just be like, he's not done this. And I'm like, look me, that's not down to me. And it'd be like, Oh, yes, it is, you're looking after my kids. And it would be like, Whoa, and I'd just walk off and she'd still be shouting, and I'd be like, walk off because the kids are there, I'm I'm not going to be the one. When they look back at things, going, it was Tess that started that. Actually, no, they'll look back and go, Well, actually, Tess walked away, she was the bigger person. And we even have an instant, even the other week, you know, we just got a puppy, end of last year, and I was on the school run with him, and he was walking, and I saw my stepdaughter, the youngest one, and saw mum. I crossed the road to get to my car, and mum, mum and daughter were there, and the daughter was like stroking the dog, and I was like, Oh, and then off you go, because I didn't want to create a scene. And next thing I know, she's like, You're pathetic, and shouting at me, and I'm like, Well, I'm just trying to get in my car. Simple as things like that. And I just, I just I think, and how I said to the kids is if mum shouts at you, and we have had incidents where the buyer mum shout at kids, and we've had to step in and pick them up because it got very hostile. The advice I give is just smile, okay. You kind of said kill the kindness, and it's so sometimes you stood there and you're getting this abuse, and you go, Oh, I just want to say something, just want to say something. But then you think, well, actually, if I say something, the impact of me saying something is going to have such a massive detrimental impact that it's not just the kids, it'll be our case about getting more support for the kids. It will look bad on us. So you kind of have to go take a deep breath and go, okay, she's saying this, but you kind of have to have a bit of a weird as it sounds, out-of-body experience, just kind of pop everything about you to a side, just smile, okay, and carry on. And then I'd like always tell my partner, but at this instance, she very much had manipulated the stepdoor, and I was lying. Me and my partner did have an argument about it, and it's very, very rare we argue. We discuss, but we never argue. He was like, Well, you're just very childish, and I was like, Hang on a second, I haven't done anything. And he was like, Well, I've told her that as well, and apparently you did. And I was like, Right. And I in the moment it it's awful, but you kind of go, Well, I've got no one to stand up for me, but my son was there, and I was like, Okay, well, if you're gonna believe in nine-year-old, well, why don't you ask this nine-year-old? And you don't want to say that because it's putting him in such a hard position, but it's weird because he knows my son wouldn't lie to him.

Katie:

And hearing that story as an outsider, it sounds like your husband's quite skillfully managed to distract himself from having to make any difficult decisions or really take any action by pushing it back to you two, his partner and his ex-partner.

Tess:

Yeah, it's got like the onus is on you two, and ever since then we kind of spoke it out. And I said, Do you really think I would lie? And we kind of had a discussion. It was like, it gave him a bit of reflection, and we did so much work about like supporting me, and kind of when she was negative about me, I said, You've got to have my back. I'm very much now getting that, but it's taken so much, and sometimes I say you're trying to be a step-mum, you're trying to be a mum, you've got a step-parent on the other side, and you've got your partner, they're not kind of supporting you, but not fully. And you kind of have to mould him into kind of understanding a little, well, this is how it's going for me. I think it's tough. It was very tough. Now it's easy because we we're very much a team and we portray that to the kids. But we'll we'll still get comments, and you kind of go, you know what, we don't entertain it, and it's hard not to, and it plays on my mind, and it's like overthinking. You go, oh my god, oh my god. But then you kind of go, Am I gonna sit here and let her use my my time in my head and put that energy onto something negative from her? Or am I gonna actually go, you know what, if she really thinks of that, there's more to her, that's there's a lot more that's about her than it does me. And it's hard, and sometimes I go, Oh my god, oh my god, and I kind of have a bit of a meltdown, but I can't believe she said this. If anyone on the outside looks in, they'll go, Well, she's doing everything, you know, buy a mum will drop the kids, she'll do this, but she picks it up. So actually, the emphasis goes on to buy your mum, and you kind of go, you kind of have to sometimes have that because if I wasn't me and I was an outside looker in, how would I look at it? And that's how I found sometimes it worked for me, and I've got to look at it because that's the only way, otherwise, I just go in this deep dark pit of negativity coming from everywhere.

Katie:

Yeah, my god, like I so recognize what you're saying about the overthinking and the negativity and like being desperate to change someone's opinion of you or change somebody's views on the things that you do, and and you you never will. So there's so many things that I've got myself in a pickle about in the past that other people have said, and now I just think do you know what? Let them do whatever they want, let them think whatever they want. I'm never gonna change it, and let them do and think whatever they want, and that works in in multiple ways. I I my son also has a stepmum who has opinions about me, and yeah, I don't agree with them because I know they're not true because I am me. Um and and you, you know, like I just think, oh, do you know what? I whatever. Like, think what you want about me. I know I'm a good person, I know I'm doing the right thing. I also know I'm not gonna lie down for everybody else to walk all over me now, and that's quite empowering.

Tess:

And it is, and it's it is it's exactly what you said, it's kind of not letting them all cover you because when you let them walk over you, which I've done for so many years, in actual fact, she's winning. She's getting the gratification out of her knowing the kid's going to come back and tell. Me, she's getting some weird gratification out of that and enjoying it, and you kind of go, hang on, I don't want to waste energy on her. Let her do what she does. I'm not gonna change it. Like you said, you're never gonna change them.

Katie:

Yeah, and the other thing is like when you were talking about your how your stepchildren and their mum will sit around and talk about you at their house and stuff, and you think like, oh my god, have you know, no offense, Tess, you're a very lovely woman, but have nothing better to talk about.

Tess:

And this is it, and this is where you kind of have to find the funny in it. And my mum says something, especially recently, is kind of when the kids are at her house and we kind of get the negativity, and we hear it when the even when the kids aren't here, she'll ring up and she'll love to have kind of her kind of point. And my mum will say, Not my not my monkeys, not my circus. Yeah, and you kind of go, and at first I was like, What a weird saying, or that is really weird. And you know what? The more I think about it, and it's not so much really about the kids, it's more about her, and it's something that really kind of helped me, and it's something that when I find the negativity, I kind of go to that phrase and go, that's actually a really quite funny phase. Yeah, um, you know, actually, I'll use that. So then your way of thinking switches, but kind of mentally I have to protect myself, and you kind of it will work for so long, and I know it will, and then something else will crop up, and I'll be like, How am I gonna deal with this? And you constantly having to find new ways because at the end of the day, you're only one person and you're trying to do all these roles, like being a mum is hard enough. Being a stepmum, wow, um, it it's it is beyond difficult. And I will say that it is one of the hardest roles I will ever do within, and that's even jobs probably aren't as hard as this. You get paid for a job.

Katie:

So you don't get paid. It's so funny that you mentioned that phrase, not my circus, not my monkeys, because I hadn't heard of it until step family life. And I was also a bit like, what? And now it will often come up in my head. Um, you do. I loved what you said about find the funny. Like you have to find the funny, and it's not through being catty or nasty, it's just about putting some light-heartedness into something because otherwise, like you say, you're gonna spend your whole time feeling down in the dumps or feeling bad, and you've gotta you. I'm a big one on humour, and yeah, so I definitely think always trying to find the humor in that situation when you can, and also like picking, you know, think some things are gonna bother you. And yeah, I say to the women I work with, you almost have to pick what's worth spending your precious time on because my god, there's enough things for us to worry about and think about and spend our time on. And when I think about, you know, I used to spend hours and hours and hours researching things on the internet and how to do better in this situation and how to be better in that situation. And actually, all the while it made fuck all difference what I did. But yeah, I think my advice to stepmums would be whatever biomum is sort of drumming into her children or whatever happens in their house will probably have more impact than what you might be able to say if you're on a much more limited time frame with the children. So, of course, implement what you want, try and do things that you can, but don't try and destroy yourself because what we see happening over and over again is you know, stepmum spends hours and hours researching, reading, trying to implement things in maybe the the every other weekend that she has the child, and then the child goes back and then back to square one, and all that's happening is stepmom's kind of just driving herself into the ground. So, yes, try and help, yes, try and do the right thing by the children, but don't take all of the responsibility on your own shoulders. It step parenting works the best when it can be a triangle or a square, triangle being stepmum, bio mum, dad, square being if there's a stepdad involved. And if you can make that shape and you can all say actually all of our views are important, and it might be that actually, you know, it all depends on the individual families, but it might be that in some cases, actually, stepmum doesn't really get a say in where the kids go to school because biomum and dad both have you know joint custody or whatever it might be. But it's like understanding each other's opinions and views and what's important.

Tess:

Yeah, you need to, I think with the kids just show an united front. Um, even if bio mum is kind of being negative, which what we've found is okay, we must have to say, you know, she's got no rules, we've got rules, we've got boundaries. The kids go back and it's like they'll come back and you go, Oh my god. But you kind of think, oh my god, but you know what? They're kind of adapting, and you're seeing now, and especially we are seeing it, is not so much with the old ones. I think it's hard with the older ones because they're so they've been with mum for so long, you know, they're their you know, she's their mum, which is understandable, like it would be with my son. But I'm finding, especially with the stepdaughter, the youngest, who's nine now is she'll go back and she'll go, actually, mum, that's not right. And you kind of go, you know what? If I can I don't want to say it's like a small win, but if I can make a difference, even one difference to all of them, I'll take that. I'll take that. I can't put all the effort to go on when I'm gonna change everything because like you said, it's not gonna what mum does in her house, unfortunately, we don't have a say. Even dad, you know, he could go to the moon and the bar, but he still wouldn't have a say because that's how she that's how she rules it, that's how she wants it. And it's sad because you hear stuff and you go, and it breaks your heart. And especially as a mum myself, you get so passionate about it. And sometimes I think especially recently, we've we've had something recently, and you know, obviously two guys wants to homeschool with two elder kids, and good luck just going, or yeah, go homeschooling, but not actually doing any work and sleeping until midday. We're trying to get official backing and everything like that, and it's just it it's hard because it's like I'm a mum, and I'd like if I'm in that situation, I do want someone the government to have my back because I'm up, but a bit of an opinion here, but I think sometimes where it protects dads is it doesn't actually and I'm a buyer mum, and I kind of go, I'm so grateful for the help and support I can get. But for dads, I think it's so hard sometimes, so so hard. She's all about the money, so the maintenance, and it's like, well, your dad needs to pay me more, and it's like, well, no, hang on, we actually have a more, but we pay we pay you over the odds anyway, but we'll do it because they're kids and they need everything. But then when dad kind of raises up about this, it's very he shut down. It's like, well, actually, we need to speak to mum. What mum says goes, and I'm a I'm a mum, and I'm like, I'm in a second, but you get those frustrations, and then as a bio mum, you kind of get so passionate that I think sometimes I get overpassionate and I'll say to him, I'm really sorry, I am just getting a bit overpassionate because I care.

Katie:

Well, that and that's the thing, isn't it? Some people choose to homeschool their kids. I can't think of anything worse, but fine if you do. But if you're gonna homeschool your kids, you've got to homeschool them, right? Like you're not doing them any favours by, as you say, just letting them sleep until lunch because these people have to, at some point, get a job. Or, you know, it's hard enough for young people without giving them a shit start, and there's no reason for them to have a shit start when they've gotten that people around them who could give them a better start. I think it's so difficult for so many step mums who are also bio mums, and I think really hard for the dads because they see one set of children having a completely different outcome and another set of children having a different outcome. And that plays to the narrative of like, oh, poor stepkids and oh, lucky bio kids. But it it's not always about what the stepmum and the dad have done, it's often about the other mums. So I was talking to somebody the other day, actually a friend of mine who is a stepchild and was talking about all of the things that one of their I don't like this phrase, we don't use it, but they do. One of their half sisters had got and was saying, Oh, well, you know, she got everything, and my dad did this, and he never did this for us, and he never, and I said it very gently. Well, you guys had different mums. Yeah. And she kind of looked at me and I could sort of see the penny drop. And I'm like, your mum is brilliant, but his mum is also brilliant, and they instilled different things in you. Her mum chose not to work, her half-sister's mum chose to work, so therefore her half sister had different opportunities, and it's not saying one's right or one's the other, it's just saying, like, so many times people say, Oh, the poor stepkids, but it's actually the mum who can have a lot of influence on making things better for the stepkids and doesn't.

Tess:

Yeah, and I think that's it. My my stickers will go to my son, oh, you're so lucky, you get everything. But then I work full-time and I'm very much career-driven. Good job studying for degree at the moment through my job. So very much career focused, but that was instilled by me, by my mum. My mum was a single parent, had four kids, she had boyfriends. It was only one that I would ever call dad that was actually just a stepdad. And I kind of look back going, God, did I do any of this to them? And look back going, well, no, I didn't, because my mum had bought us with boundaries, and I think just respect sometimes. It's so hard navigating as a kid when you've got all these emotions and everything like that, and then you've got on top of it a broken down parents, then you've got the step-parents, and it is such a hard dynamic sometimes for them to get their heads around. And I sympathise with it. I've kind of gone through it myself a bit as a kid, so I get it, but we didn't have any extras, we just it was just my mum, and my son. Then I've passed that on to my son, and I think I look at my partner sometimes and hear what he says to me, and I think sometimes he kind of I won't say feels ashamed, but feels probably a bit guilty because my son absolutely worships the ground he walks on, we'll treat him like a dad and speak to him like a dad. But if he says no to him, he'll go, okay then, you know, like you would if it was me saying it. There's just no difference. And I think that's where the step kids sometimes a lot of jealousy, because he doesn't get a lot more stuff than there. We try to do it as fair as possible. He will get a couple of extra treats if they're not here, because you know, of course, he's my son, and they'll get treated by their mum, and that's my argument is well, your mum treats you, so I'm allowed to treat treat him, but we'll make it as fair, and also like you shouldn't even have to argue that.

Katie:

Like, um I don't know. My view is, and it's another thing that's funny that you do with your stepkids, and then you have your own kids and you realize that actually you you were doing it really weirdly with your stepkids. Like, before me and my husband had our children together, we had my son and his two girls. And if like my son needed, I don't know, a new pair of swimming shorts, I would buy those two girls a new swimming costume as well because I thought I don't want them to feel left out, even if they didn't need one. And now, like with my two bio kids who are very similar in age, I buy the kid what they need, and I never think, well, I've bought him some swimming shorts, so I better buy her some. So you're almost like overcompensating it. But when when they're not in the house, of course you should be able to treat your child like surely.

Tess:

Very early on, we've my partner is I I've got my one son, and that's all I don't want any more children. And he was very much the same. So we we will have this narrative for the rest of our time because we won't have any bio kids together, and that's absolutely fine because that's our choice. I have my reasons. He just doesn't, he's 14 years older, so he doesn't want any more, understandably. So we're very comfortable with that. Our animals are like our bio kids. Um, so yeah, we kind of got that, so we'll never have experienced that. And I think sometimes you look back going, it would have been nice to kind of see what that, but then go, well, actually, I quite also like the time when it's just me and him.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Tess:

And when my son goes off to his dad's, and then they're at their mum's, it's just our time to breathe. Because there is so much going on, and sometimes it's just this massive whirlwind, and you just get lost on in it that you go, hang on a second, just taking that time to just relax, taking stock for yourself. That's what's helped us, and not everybody will get that, but even if it's just an hour here, an hour there, just for yourselves, yeah, that is just made a massive difference for us. Um, and our relationship, because we can just be a relationship without any any kids, and we can just go off and do anything, what we want for those weekends, we don't have them, and actually that's what keeps us united and what keeps us strong together and as a team.

Katie:

And that's so important because when you are in a relationship where there are kids already involved, you don't get the same honeymoon period, so no, it's important to like pocket throughout the year any windows of honeymoon that you can.

Tess:

I'm very much make the memories when that's with kids, it doesn't have to be a lot of money behind it, it could just be as simple as taking a dog for the walk, walk in the woods and playing games with the kids in the woods, or even if it's just me and my partner and we'll take the dog to the beach and just creating that memory. I think if you create that, you can do it as cheap as possible, or you can make it however expensive you want, you know, holidays or anything. But for us, we go basically the memories I had growing up. I remember going with my mum, single parent with four kids, walking the dog through the hills and in forests. I loved it. Yeah, absolutely loved it, and it didn't cost a penny. And there's a core memories.

Katie:

You're right. It's all about those memories. I remember one of the first weekends that me and my husband ever went away on. We went to the Lake District and we stayed in this hotel, and it was absolutely pissing it with rain all weekend, the whole weekend. And we just went out walking and everything. I remember one evening we were in the hot tub at the hotel, and it was and it was raining. And this woman like walked past, and she just went, Look at you two making memories like this. And ever since then, we always say to each other, like, with a look, we're like, here we are, making memories, like because it's so I don't know, like life goes so quickly, and yeah, so much shit involved in sharing children, whether you're a bio mum or a stepmum, it's fucking hard either way.

Tess:

Yeah, both ways is a whole different ball game, and to just grab whatever you can to hold on to to make some beautiful memories is so important, and it gives you a light in the darkness, and that's what so I'll have photos about of core things where it's with kids or you know, on my phone or something. And sometimes it's a case of if you have just got all that negativity and rubbish and everything around you that just simply looking at something goes, you know what I remember going there. Just even if it's just you on your own, and sometimes that helps. You know, I'm very lucky I have animals, so animals are a bit of my saving grace. You know, we call one cat blessing, a bit of a therapy cat sometimes for kids because animals are very quick at picking up emotions, and if the kids and stepkids don't articulate sometimes what they're feeling, I can see it when an animal goes to them, and you kind of know. So you kind of go, okay, something's going on. So you give a nod to it, going, I won't cry, but just let them know. So you change your narrative about this going, right? I'm not going to ask a whole lot of questions because they obviously don't want that. But what I'll do as a stepmum is going, I'm there. Okay, I'm there. And now we have it as through all these years is I'm a safe space for them. Like they've got the mum and the dad that, you know, they'll have their rows or anything like that. Dad trying to kind of say, You've got to do that, you know, send them to school or do this and try to be there. Mum ignoring it. And it's me going, okay, let them do that, let them be the adults. And I'll say this to the kids is let them be the adults. But you know what? I'm here for you. I'm here for you guys. And we'll very much keep it like that. And they'll tell me a lot more stuff than the dad because they know I won't keep anything from dad. And I'll say it to dad, but I might just rephrase it in a way that if mum said something nasty about dad, is I'll rephrase it in a way that might not hurt him, but he knows that I'm gonna tell him the truth and I'll be honest with him. It kind of takes the bitterness out of it from the mum. So she's she's not winning.

Katie:

Tess, look, before we go, um, it's been such a privilege to talk to you, and I so appreciate how candid you've been. I wonder if you had any advice for anybody who's in the situation you had described earlier, where your stepkids are coming around, they're being difficult, they're going to their mum, they're kind of all ganging up on you.

Tess:

Obviously, still going through it, and I think we'll all you just know you're not alone. It's tough. Certainly, like I said, this podcast has helped me. Like reading stuff online. Sometimes you can get yourself in a rabbit hole. You want something like this podcast where it's it's real people because you get the raw emotion behind it, and that's what's helped me. And just knowing you're not alone, you're not gonna change somebody. And I kind of now think two ways I can either put all my energy, all my thought, all my time into someone so negative, or you know what, I can put all of that into my relationship and have a fantastic relationship like I do now with my partner, and it will eventually with the stepkids, and it's little by little, one step forward, ten steps back, it will feel like sometimes you are failing, but you're not just kind of carry on being you because if you weren't as fantastic as a step-mum you were, you wouldn't be there. We're putting in these roles, it's a very special role. We're put in these roles for a reason, and whatever we do, we will make a change to that step kid. Even if a little one, when they come to be an adult, we will have an impact on that. And I think that's what you've just got to remember is that we're those special people, it's a unique role, we're unique, we're special, we're like the unicorns of the world. You know, you've got to kind of think that as a person is yeah, it's hard, it's tough, but in actual fact, we are amazing.

Katie:

Yeah, well, look, what a way to finish, Tess. Thank you so much for your time. I really, really appreciate it. I've loved having you on with all your wisdom.

Tess:

Thank you so much for having me, and thank you just for the podcast. It's absolutely a lifesaver for me.

Katie:

And that is exactly why I do this. I am endlessly grateful to each of you who write in and share how Stepmum's face has helped you. It truly means the world to know this podcast is lightening some of the emotional load you carry. If this show has ever made you feel a little more seen, a little more understood, I would be so grateful if you could take a moment to rate or review wherever you listen. Your support helps others find us and reminds them they are not alone. And don't forget what Tess shared earlier today. Find the funny. Wherever you can, sprinkle in a little humour, a little lightness. It makes all the difference. If you'd like to share your story, please do get in touch. All the details are in the show notes. Take care.

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Katie South

Host