Episode 57: When the Ex Won’t Communicate: A Stepmum’s Story of Silence, Blame, and Holding It All Together

If you’re searching for stepmum help, stepmum support, or a real conversation about stepmum struggles and stepmum problems, this episode will speak straight to your heart. 

In this emotional conversation, Katie talks with Nicole, a mum of two and stepmum of one, about the heartbreak of trying to co-parent when her stepson’s mum refuses to communicate — not just with her, but with her husband too.

Nicole shares how she’s navigated protecting her “ours babies” from the pain of not seeing their brother, and what it’s been like being cast as the villain in her stepson’s mum’s story.

Together, Katie and Nicole unpack why stepdads are so often glorified while stepmums are blamed for doing either too much or too little — and how that emotional double standard plays out in everyday life.

This honest chat is full of empathy, real-world insight, and moments that remind you: you’re not alone in the complexity of stepfamily life.

🌿 Reset Workshop Invitation - Stepmum Re-Set workshop | Stepmum Space

If today’s episode has resonated with you and you’re feeling ready for a reset before Christmas, join Katie for her Reset Workshop — a two-evening online experience created especially for stepmums who want to:
✨ Reconnect with their values
✨ Bring more calm and balance into family life
✨ Communicate and hold boundaries without guilt
✨ Feel more confident and at peace in their role

It’s a supportive, understanding space to learn, reflect, and connect with other stepmums who truly get it.

👉 Visit Stepmum Re-Set workshop | Stepmum Space
for all the details, and to explore downloadable workbooks if you prefer to work privately at your own pace head to All Products | Stepmum Space

Follow Stepmum Space for weekly conversations, expert stepmum support, and stories that help you feel seen and understood.

New episodes every week.
 Take care — and sending lots of love,
 Katie x

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hello, I'm Katie and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. Welcome back everybody. I am so happy you're here with me for series 8. It's been a hell of a week for me, so sitting down to reconnect with you all honestly just feels like such a pleasure. Over the past few days, I've had so many lovely messages about how excited you are that the podcast's back and how much it's been helping you. I read every single one and reply to as many as I can, and the encouragement really does mean the world. If you're enjoying the show, please help us grow, leave a quick rating or review, or share on your own socials to spread the word to another stepmum who might need a bit of extra support right now. That's how we keep building this community of honesty, empathy, and connection. Today I'm joined by Nicole. Like so many stepmums, she started out wanting to be an extra source of love and stability in her stepson's life, but things haven't unfolded quite how she imagined. I'll let Nicole tell you her story in her words. Morning, Nicole. Although it's probably your evening where you are. It is, yeah. So whereabouts are you today? Uh, in New South Wales. I would do anything to be in New South Wales right now.

Nicole: 1:34

Yeah, it's actually it's been quite warm today, which has been nice. We're finally getting some warm weather, which is nice.

Speaker 1: 1:40

Lovely. So, look, when I got your voice note about your story, like it really hit me because there's so much in it, and it was just so brave and vulnerable of you. So massive, massive thank you for getting in touch, and I really, really appreciate it.

Nicole: 1:57

No, uh thank you for saying that because I think that was probably the first time that I've voiced it to someone that I don't really know, and I just I don't know, I was just overcome with feelings because it's just it is a lot, and I've I thought, oh my god, I've had so much inside of me that I probably didn't actually realise. And I think too, it's hard because when I first became a stepmom, I was quite young, so like early 20s. I had no friends that were stepparents, so I felt so alone because I had no one to relate to. I still don't really, to be honest. But you know, connecting on social media and stuff now, that is a big thing, and it's very helpful as well when you're feeling a bit isolated.

Speaker 1: 2:48

It is really difficult because even when you are a stepmum, if you know maybe like one other stepmum, their situation, although they'll understand.

Nicole: 2:58

Like everyone's is so different, and then you'll get the ones that are heaps good that I just am so envious about, and then others might be worse than mine or sort of up and down, which is probably mine, um, but more downs and ups. But yeah, it's it's really tough, really tough. And I think it hasn't really been spoken about or shed a light on it because you'll find that say stepfathers, they are so talked up about. Do you know what I mean? As opposed to stepmoms, where I guess looked upon as like evil people, or we we can't win because we're either doing too much or we're not doing enough. You're never gonna win, really.

Speaker 1: 3:40

Yeah, the best thing I always try and say to my coaching clients is as much as you can try and step out of the competition. Because yeah, what you say is right.

Nicole: 3:49

And your point about stepfathers, my god, like the glorification of the stepdad who you know does one lift a fortnight and is like, yeah, God, it's and I mean I know it's not a competition, I realize that, but it would just be nice to have that bit of fairness, you know what I mean, seeing both gender-wise, because we're essentially doing the same thing.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Yeah, and I think actually a lot of the time stepmums pick up a whole lot more than stepdads.

Nicole: 4:16

I have to agree. I love so much that I do so much for all of my kids. There's nothing I wouldn't do, and that includes my stepson. I a hundred percent go above and beyond, but that can be seen as not very good from his biological mother. I'm not trying to stand on anyone's toes. I'm just trying to be the best, you know, stepparent I can be because I care and I love really hard.

Speaker 1: 4:40

And I think sometimes that having that kind of deep care and that deep love can actually make it harder because you do care so much. And 100%. And when you feel so invested, the rejection or the hurt is so much deeper.

Nicole: 4:57

Yeah, it's like a knife to the throat. It's not nice. Oh, it's it's hurts, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Yeah, and I definitely find with so I'm a really sensitive person, and with my own experience, and when I work with my sensitive stepmums, we find it harder because we're we have all the benefits of being a sensitive person, but also we take things to heart. So it's harder for us to just kind of like dust up our shoulders and crack. That's me, not hundred percent.

Nicole: 5:29

Yeah, it's it it's it's good, but it's also bad.

Speaker 1: 5:32

Um you have to really like train yourself to almost quell like notice your feeling and then give yourself the self-talk and talk yourself out of it, because otherwise you can just spiral.

Nicole: 5:47

Yeah, and I think too, a part of that that I've learned is to put myself first a bit more and try not to take as much to heart if I can help it and take a step back when I need to, and knowing that that's okay. Like I think in the start I probably wouldn't have done that, wouldn't have thought it was okay. But for I guess my mental health now, that's the best thing for me to just take a breath, take a step back. I'll let my husband sort this, and you know, tomorrow's a new day, you know?

Speaker 1: 6:18

Yeah, and mums are always told to kind of put themselves first. And I think as a stepmum, you think I can't do that, I'll be the wicked stepmum, but actually you need to.

Nicole: 6:28

Well, some yeah, sometimes depending on the situation, it can just be too much, and especially if it's not like an amicable thing with the biological parents, like well, for me, my husband's ex, like it just yeah, it's it's a lot.

Speaker 1: 6:47

You talked about all your children. So, do you want to tell me a little bit about your family?

Nicole: 6:52

Yeah, I'm married, so I've got a husband, and so he has a son, he's 13, and then we have since had two children together. We've got a daughter who's 10, and our son, he's eight. So the kids get on so well together, they just adore their brother. They really do. It's hard because we don't get to see him often, so they're really hard conversations that we have to have with our two to try and say, you know, it's not your fault that he's not coming here. He loves you. And just try to be really positive about it, but realistic at the same time. It's hard for them, like they get really upset when he doesn't come when he's supposed to, and things like that. It's not just me anymore getting upset, it's my kids as well. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's just upsetting. Yeah, you just want all your kids to be happy.

Speaker 1: 7:50

Yeah, that's the that's like the worst part, isn't it? When you can you look around and you are so desperate for all the people that you care about to be happy.

Nicole: 8:01

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:02

And they're not, and you can't fix it.

Nicole: 8:04

Yeah, I can't stand it. It's like you feel like you're failing. I know that I'm not, and you try so hard, but I don't know, we just put all this pressure on ourselves to get it right and perfect. But I know it's not gonna be like that, but that's upsetting because I guess when you're a kid you think, oh, I'm gonna have you know this perfect life, and then it's just this is what's happened. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change any of it, but it is so hard, and it's taken a toll. It's a lot. It's okay.

Speaker 1: 8:33

So, from what you've said, your husband's son was quite small when you guys got together.

Nicole: 8:38

I think it was about 18 months when I first met him. I've been yeah, like in his life for yeah, over a decade, a long time.

Speaker 1: 8:46

How was the situation when you first got together? Like it must have been a lot coming in and meeting a guy who's got a toddler.

Nicole: 8:54

Yeah, I'd done it before and that didn't end very well, so I was a bit cautious because I struggled with again like losing almost a child. Because when you walk away with someone that's got a child, it's it's like a whole different grieving process. And I still think about my ex's child to this day, and I hope he's well. But yeah, I knew that that was it was gonna be a big thing because I'd been through something similar. But the way that my husband was with his child, I don't know. I just knew the love, and I just wanted him to love my children like that, and I think that's where my love started for my husband. He's such a good dad. I love him.

Speaker 1: 9:37

So big decision to start a relationship um with a man with a toddler. It sounds like you knew pretty soon he was the one.

Nicole: 9:45

Oh yeah, after the first date. I don't know, you just know, and it didn't matter to me that he had a child. It it didn't matter because I just knew the love he had and saw pictures of him and the way he talked about him, and it was just really, just really lovely, and not all guys are like that. So, you know, he's proud. And how were things with your stepson when you first met him? Oh, look, it was a little awkward, you know, it's a new person. Um, but I think for the most part it went fairly well. Like he was a pretty easy sort of kid, you know, you just sort of play with him and start creating a bit of a bond and he gets to know you, and vice versa. And then yeah, just our lives slowly, you know, intertwined into more and more and more. And then obviously having our kids and stuff just brought us all that much closer as well.

Speaker 1: 10:39

And you mentioned at the beginning of our conversation that you didn't get to see your stepson as much as you wanted. So has that always been the case?

Nicole: 11:56

No, so there was court orders, which is like the standard here, which I don't believe in and I don't think is fair, but every second weekend and a half of school holidays. So it's very hard for us to keep that, I guess, consistency and stability with that limited amount of time.

Speaker 1: 12:15

So sorry, just take me back. So so in Australia, you it it's a standard court order when when covered.

Nicole: 12:22

Pretty much. Yeah, it's it's we have fought so hard, like you've got no idea how much money we're spent on the court system. And I think unless you have a biological parent that I'm gonna say isn't spiteful um or doesn't want to get back at their ex kind of a situation, yeah, they sort of just take what the mum wants or gives you kind of bare minimum. So we've always fought for more. Um, it's it it's really upsetting because we've done as much as we can, and I still don't think that's enough. And in Australia, there's uh a system called NDIS, so it's like funding for children with like autism and all different developmental stuff. We went through the whole process of this to get him some extra support because it he needed it. And I'd take him to the psychologist every second Friday that I'd pick him up. His mum didn't want anything to do with it. We ended up getting the funding, it was a huge process. And then um, it's really upsetting. But when we told her, because we we try to be as transparent, you know, as we can be, even though she's not like that with us, she rang up the NDIS and she had the money taken off her own child for all these supports for all these supports. And because she was a primary parent, um he he wasn't allowed to have the funding, so then we just had to continue to pay for all these appointments and specialists ourselves, and she was against that too, but it was something that he he he needed. So we've we've tried really hard. I don't see how that's okay. Me and my husband we're really good parents, we would do anything for our children. It's not about the money, it's just the extra support that he needs and access to things that would just help him. It was all for him, and I don't know if she's realized it's actually going to affect him more than us. So yeah. Sorry, it's not really a good story.

Speaker 1: 14:33

No, but it's important to share everything. I don't deal with the system personally, but having got lots of friends who deal with the system in the UK, I know how hard it is to get these sorts of funding. And only children who really need it get it. That's the same.

Nicole: 14:53

You've got to get all these reports, and it's this huge thing. It took us months and months and months.

Speaker 1: 14:59

And whatever issue the mother has with you or your husband, I really struggle to see the logic behind taking something away from your child. Like, did did she not think he needed it, or was it I mean, what what the fuck was going on?

Nicole: 15:17

I would like to know as well. I think from after all of this, and I feel like what's sort of come out in the end, when we had a meeting, she wanted control of the money. And it's not like they put it in your bank account, like you just go to services and they claim it for you. And I was like, no, we've done all this work, you didn't want to be involved. Why would we just hand you the reins now? And we said no, and then from that, that's where she made the call and stopped it. I don't know, it's just terrible, and no one seems to listen. No one seems to care that we have these concerns. And I mean, I don't know what it's like over there, but it's very like, I guess, one-sided, and mum's always right, but that's not always the case, and not necessarily in the child's best interest. Like, I feel like that's a a really good example of what you should not be doing. That's really gonna not benefit the child. Like everything we do, as much as obviously we're not fans of her, we want to make sure that he's okay. You know, he's got the best chance in life, you know, with learning, with his health, with schooling, you know, his clothes, his fed, all the main stuff.

Speaker 1: 16:30

I think sometimes there's a there's a thing that goes on with mums. Um, it's happened to a couple of my stepmums recently, whereby they have really wanted either educational support or therapy counselling for their stepchild. Mum has blocked it and then went on later to suggest it. And that's where we're at.

Nicole: 16:53

Yeah, in the last six months. Yeah, she took him to a counsellor because there was an incident which I won't talk about, but yeah, she took him back. And I'm like, this is what we've been saying the whole time. I feel like it almost had to be her idea where she buried her head in the sand for so long, and we did everything humanly possible. Like we sacrificed our time with him to make sure that he was going to see these specialists, you know what I mean, and not doing stuff as a family.

Speaker 1: 17:21

And then the hard thing is, in the child's eyes, sometimes they don't see all the work that dad and stepmum have done behind the scenes, they just see I mean, look, I I get that, and that's fine, and I hope in the future he does end up learning how much was done.

Nicole: 17:38

At the end of the day, we just want him to be okay, and it's hard now because we don't see him that much. He's sort of stopped contact because of an incident, which had nothing to do with us. Just a not great situation, really. I just wish it was better, and you just wish because it's been going on for so long, it's like, where's this light at this end of the tunnel? Like, it's really hard, and you feel like giving up sometimes. Like, it's really, it's just a lot, and it's not just on me, it's like I know my husband's feeling it so deeply, and I know he's hurting. And my kids, it's really affecting them as they're getting older, they're starting to see things, starting to ask questions, and you're trying to be honest in a way that they can understand without being nasty as well, you know, and just trying to keep the peace.

Speaker 1: 18:26

That's such a difficult balance, and you hear so often don't speak badly about the biological mum, but also you've got to talk to kids in an age-appropriate way. Okay, like how how do I do this? And for so many women, it can feel so difficult because you want to do all the right things, but then you're looking at this kid who's utterly confused because their mum is saying one thing, which is quite frankly a load of bullshit, and you can't kind of go, your mum's full of shit, because then you'll push the child even further away.

Nicole: 19:01

It's really hard. And I think, you know, I tried to be so positive for so long that things would get better. But, you know, speaking of that sort of thing, the one thing I think that pushed me over the edge was when my son was born. He was so excited, you know, when I was pregnant and stuff, and you know, it was a boy. And I remember we got home from the hospital, we had the baby, and he came over. He didn't want to touch the baby, didn't want to hold the baby, nothing. And I said to him, What's the matter? You know, I thought you were so excited to hold your baby brother. And you know what he said to me? My mum doesn't like your baby. And I said to him, What? And he repeated it. I'm like, I said, Look, I don't know why she said that, but that's okay. If she doesn't like him, it's fine. I said, but do you like him? And he said, Yes. I said, Okay, well, that's fine. That's all that matters. Come on, come and give your brother a cuddle. And then he was fine after that. That confusion that poor boy had, and just to even just say those few words to comfort him, but like she should like no one should say that to the about their own child sibling. Like, are you kidding me? And I was just furious, but I kept my cool and just did the best I could by the kids, but I'll just never forget that conversation. Like it wasn't much, but it just was a really eye-opening moment of I don't think she's gonna change.

Speaker 1: 20:26

And and you say it wasn't much, and obviously it's a a few words, but like he says, Oh, I don't like a baby. I know. Who says that? And the worst thing that I you know I find I I come across a lot of these stories is there will be a lot of um the mother not wanting their child to get close to their new siblings, but then later on down the line, we'll accuse you of not welcoming the stepchild into the family. And and it's like, but hang on a minute, you were trying to not allow that to happen, and the reason it didn't happen is you, and now you are saying that that's a problem. Like, oh my god, welcome to my life.

Nicole: 21:11

Yeah, it happens all the time when we're going through the court stuff. She must have something, like, she's got something against me for sure. She was very much like, and I'd tried to be nice, you know what I mean? Because I wanted that more happy, like I was happy to be the other parent she talked to and sorted things out with, like, rather than my husband, because you know, he works heaps more than me. I'm like, I'm I'm happy to do that. She didn't want to borrow that. And then when we were in court, I remember getting a letter from her lawyer, and she uh she was requesting my medical history, calling me like an unstable mum. And apparently my anxiety was an issue and I'm not a fit parent. And I said to my husband, I am not giving her my medical records. I said, and if this, you know, goes any further, I said, No offense, I love you, but we need to separate. I said, That's that's I'm really sorry, but I can't, that's too much for me. Like no one should ever ask for that, and then use my health as a reason to take him away from us.

Speaker 1: 22:18

I'm trying to get myself into her head because I know it's hard to share your children. I know that. I share my elderly. Oh yeah.

Nicole: 22:25

And I think that's why I tried to be so sympathetic in the start and give her so much leeway, but it took me years to sort of be like, oh, she's not, she's not budging. This is it.

Speaker 1: 22:36

My goal is for my child to be happy. And if me and his dad aren't together, then my goal is for him to be really happy in both his homes. And I understand the feelings of missing your child, but I don't understand the feelings of then trying to take your child away from that. Like it's your feeling. Go and work on it yourself. I find that so hard to understand. You said in the beginning, you said to your husband, if this is gonna carry on, I'm gonna have to leave. And it sounds like we're That's terrible.

Nicole: 23:07

And I know I shouldn't be like that, but you get to a point where I was like, oh my god. I don't think it's terrible. It's only because, like, who leaves someone because they love somebody? You know what I mean? It wasn't it was not about love. But I even said to my husband, if you get more time with your son, if I leave, I will go to make sure you've got that, because I know that's the most important thing. And I try with every move and decision I make, him and my children, all of them, a first and try and make sure that they're all looked after first, because that's the most important thing. And as much as you know, we can say we don't like someone or whatever, you've got to put that aside for the child, as hard as that is, and it's so hard for us, but we do it because we love our kids. That's all we can do. So, yeah, we got married. She wasn't very happy about that, but we had him with us, he was in his time, so we've got a heap of lovely photos with the three of us together, which was really special. Yeah, she had a lot of negative things to say about us getting married, and a lot of awful messages come our way. Did your husband ever respond to any of it? I think he tries not to, because anything sort of he says can I guess go against him, you know what I mean? And he's already got limited access because so he's sort of like it's kind of like entrapment really. Well she can sort of say whatever. So yeah, that was all good. And then oh, I was actually pregnant then as well, so our daughter came along not long after that, but the second she found out that I was pregnant, she made sure she got pregnant as well. So we were both pregnant at the same time. It was like a race. It was it was a lot. Yeah, the kids got on so it was so good. That's probably the best time when the kids were younger. I think just because he didn't really understand the pulling. You can see a lot more photos then he was just so happy and you know, things I think were a bit easier for him than when he could just be a kid.

Speaker 1: 25:10

So his mum got pregnant, so it was she still in the a relationship? No, no.

Nicole: 25:17

We got to a point where like when we had like our daughter and she started talking and stuff, we had approached him and said, Do you do you want to call me mum? Like, it's completely up to you. We just wanted to make sure that he felt a part of our family as much as he did his other house. So that was completely up to him. And I know that would be hard for her to hear, but it was more about inclusiveness. If he didn't want to do it, that was fine. But we wanted to give him, you know, sort of that option, and by that stage, I think he was like in kindergarten or something, so he was very much aware of his surrounds, and he was happy to do it and he felt included, and it was just really nice. As the kids got older, yeah, they just grew closer, but I guess as they got older, our two would always be when's our brother coming over? Just because they missed him so much, or why can't you come over more and spend time with us and all that sort of thing? So that was pretty tough. We moved house five, six years ago, and we got a bigger house, so he's got his own bedroom, so I think that was a really good thing for him as well, because he didn't have that at his other house, because he lived with his mother and her parents, and yeah, so he got his own room, so I think he was pretty impressed with that. And then we try like we tried to do the right thing, and I remember we threw him his first birthday party. His mother had never invited our children to any of his birthday parties that she'd thrown, but we'd invited her and his brother from his other house, and he just had the best time. You know, he's never had that, like he'd never had the opportunity. And if our kids asked, you know, why they hadn't been invited to birthday parties and things, he just sort of sh shrugged his shoulders like I think he felt bad. I feel like he wanted to, but wasn't allowed. I try and tell our kids it's nothing to do with you guys. His mum probably just didn't want us there, and that's okay. You know, you can't say too much about it, but you know, we'll do something else.

Speaker 1: 27:17

So I think sometimes though they figure it out. Like my son ate, and my mum was telling me the other day something that he played back to her that definitely hasn't been said by me or my husband. I was like, wow, this guy's perceptive.

Nicole: 27:36

I honestly think he is very he's he's a lot more aware than I think we realise. And I think the older he gets, the more I think he's getting a bigger picture of things. But I think at the same time he's very close to his mum in the sense that he doesn't want to upset her as well. And I think he's feeling which we would never make him feel this way, but like he has to have a side, which is terrible. I just think the more people that can love the kids, the better. And it's okay, you don't have to like me. Just know I love your child. Appreciate that at least.

Speaker 1: 28:14

You talked about how in the beginning and for a long period of time it was kind of every second weekend and half the holidays, but you've you also said that you don't get to see him very much now. So what's changed?

Nicole: 28:25

Oh, there was an incident at the school, and I don't really want to get into it, but it was pretty significant, and it was a Friday, we were supposed to pick him up, and the school rang her and just said about the incident. They didn't say she had to come get him, but she decided to go and get him. And I was already at the school at this point, but she had gone in the other side of the school, so I didn't I didn't see her. And then with the incident, she said it was well, she didn't tell us to be honest. She hides stuff from us. So I pushed my husband to call the school. Like, fine, I I just had a feeling that something was up, and he got onto the school, and for the first time they were actually open with us because schools can be very funny in situations like this, and they won't tell certain things. They they told my husband what it was, and we were shocked, and she didn't tell us for weeks about it. She got a lawyer's letter saying that, you know, the psychologist that's when she took him back to the psychologist, like a different one again, because she was never happy with the ones we took him to because they could see what we're saying, and we even went to one together, and because they still saw what we saw, she ripped him out of there as well. So, yeah, she's taken him to another psychologist, wrote a legal letter, and basically said this incident occurred because he didn't want to come to our house, and it's like all because of us. Anyway, through the school and the counsellor at the school and the teachers, they're like, it's got nothing to do with you guys. Nothing. Even the psychologist backed us up on that. But she's like, Well, unless we do mediation report or something something, like with everybody, I I'm not comfortable with him going to your house. And it just sort of spun out of control. Even our lawyer said, Well, we can't really fight it. And because people are scared to put anything in writing because they don't want to get involved. Otherwise, we probably have him now. But she's like, He's got a phone now, you can message him, but it's like he doesn't always have credit, so we can't always message him. Where's that connection for us? Like we've got like next to none, and a lot I've looked at my daughter's phone and she's we gave her the phone to have that connection with him, and the amount of messages she sends him just like begging to see her brother. It's really upsetting. Like she misses well, they both do, but I think yeah, she's just quite emotional like me. So she really, yeah, she really feels it. I just hope he comes back and we can have something more persistent and stable for him rather than once every couple of months, which is really hard. It makes things worse. Like I feel like it just makes things worse. We're get growing further apart by doing this, but I feel like unfortunately that's her plan. It's been her plan the whole the whole thing and anything that happened that could be used against us, or even that could be manipulated against us, she uses and will run with it with no consequences, even if we could prove it, if someone would put stuff in writing for us.

Speaker 1: 31:30

I see that so much, and I think you're so right in what you say, in that almost like the less the stepchild comes to the house, the more they're gonna feel like an outsider in the house because they're not gonna have the bond, they're not gonna have the shared memory, they're not gonna have the in-jokes, and it's not gonna feel their home. And then what the mum is actually doing in that situation is alienating her own child from half their family.

Nicole: 31:55

Yeah, and that's exactly the way I see it. And we feel, I guess, powerless. And now he's getting older, and you know, he's got more of a choice, but I feel like it's it's not necessarily his choice. It's like about making certain people happy. And I think he wants to come here deep down, but you know, it's I I get it, such a hard situation. I just wish that his mum could understand she's making it worse for him.

Speaker 1: 32:21

And a child shouldn't have to carry the burden of their mother's problems.

Nicole: 32:25

A lot of stuff he's said has been quite negative. You know, my mum said this. I I cop it a lot. Um, probably more than my husband, to be honest, but kind of used to it, and I kind of just I can't care about that anymore. It's just not worth it.

Speaker 1: 32:43

You know, it's one thing if she's saying it about you to kind of be able to cop it, but then if it's affecting your relationship with your stepson.

Nicole: 32:50

I know, I I I mean, I think deep down he knows. He knows what I'm like, but I think in a way he sort of kind of just has to believe what his mum says when he's with her. I mean, look, I could be wrong, but I really think he he knows deep down with not seeing him much, like we've always said, you know, you're always welcome here. No matter what happens, you're always welcome. And I said to him, look, you know, if something happens and you know, you want to get away for a few nights, but I just want to make sure that he feels as comfortable as he can coming here and that he's got options, you know, if he ever wanted to have a night here, have a night there, whatever. Just another safe place, really.

Speaker 1: 33:27

Yeah. How's all this affected your relationship with your husband?

Nicole: 33:31

I think from the most part, it brings us together, but on the downside, it's probably the only thing we really argue about. But I think it's because my emotions just take over. I can't control them sometimes because I'm like, I'm a mum. How can you do this? And because if anyone hurts my husband, I feel it, or my kids, I just feel it so intently. If he gets upset about it, that makes me it feel even worse because it's affecting him really badly. But it's hard because you've got to do the juggling act of one person can be sad, one person's got to comfort. Finding that balance can be very, very tricky given the situation when we've both got these strong feelings about it. But yeah, I just really wish this wasn't even an issue for us, but it is. It's really tough. I think it can go one of two ways. It can either bring you closer or push you completely apart. But I've got so much love for my husband. I've just always kept that at the forefront. He apologises and stuff about all this stuff. I'm like, it's not, it's not your fault. It's okay. It's okay. I just feel like he's lucky to have me. We're probably a really good team, and I think I've been able to support him in supporting his child as best I can. And I try and alleviate some of the stress by taking his son to appointments and things. Like that was sort of my job, and I was happy to do it, and I paid for all of it and stuff as well. You know, that's just what you do.

Speaker 1: 34:58

Another one of the things that stepmums don't get any acknowledgement for.

Nicole: 35:02

Yeah. I mean, and again, I don't really care, but you know, it's it it is it is nice to be, yeah, just acknowledged and not even from his biological mum, but just the fact that people don't always see what you're doing behind the scenes. You just do it because it's like another one of your kids. I mean, he's got a really good family, like my husband, so I think they quite appreciate how I've been able to step up while we've had him and helping like my husband worked interstate for a while. So I used to continue to get him, like his son, every second weekend. So the kids could all be together. We could ring my husband and do the FaceTime thing and all that sort of stuff. So I continued that for months by myself. Yeah, that was a lot, but worth it.

Speaker 1: 35:49

And has your husband ever tried to? I mean, I kind of feel like this is a bit of a stupid question to us, but has your husband ever tried to discuss any of this with his ex? She won't talk to him.

Nicole: 36:01

Because, like, I mean, that would obviously be the cheaper and easier option, but no, she puts down all the time that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to my husband. And I think we've had a sit down once with her when he had started kindergarten, her mum had to be there. So the mum and the grandma would always be together, and she and the grandma she's quiet full on. And yeah, she's just always said that isn't comfortable being with my husband. I said to my husband, I'm like, tell her if she wants to just talk to me, I'm happy to go. Like, I'm not a scary person. My husband's six foot eight, so I get like he's taller.

Speaker 1: 36:49

Or or you go and you meet in a cafe. It's pretty standard. Yeah.

Nicole: 36:55

Like they couldn't even talk at pickups and drop-offs. Like it was like I still don't think they talk at what at pickups and drop-offs, like it's that intense.

Speaker 1: 37:06

Looking back now, I mean you're 12 years into it. What'd you wish you knew at the beginning? Oh god.

Nicole: 37:14

I wish I had been kinder to myself earlier and given myself some slack. I think we go on for so long carrying so much weight. And I mean, for me, like, I would have loved to have spoken to a psychologist myself, which is a big thing to say for me, but at the same time, and I said to my husband, I'm like, I'm too scared to go because I don't want his ex to use what I say against him in court because I had always had the that fear, and I've had to get over that and just sort of do what's right for me. And I think it's okay to take a break here and there too. It it really is. But I wish I had got into probably more podcasts like this or read more online about it, because when I first became a stepmum, as I said, I didn't really know anyone, I couldn't relate to anyone in the last few years. This is when I've started to see more stuff and I'm following things and I'm like, oh, that's a good tip, or you know, I'd like to listen to that. I didn't really have that at the start, so I wish that was more available back then, but I definitely think being a stepparent is something that needs to be talked about and appreciated more.

Speaker 1: 38:36

Yeah, and I think as in regular families, it's the female who tends to carry the bulk of the load, like mental emotional load. So, you know, yes, you might have a really good stepdad who's contributing in a lot of ways, but it's probably still the female in that household, and therefore in the other household, the stepmum who's carrying the bigger emotional load, and it's it's tough. So, you know, I think those people listening, remind yourself, get some support, take a break, have some compassion for yourself. You can waste my god, I've done this. Like, you can waste hours thinking about what you might be able to do or and what ifs. Yeah, but if you fundamentally, if you have got a mother in the picture like the the mother that you're dealing with, there's only so much you can do and you can't overcompensate.

Nicole: 39:37

Well, that well, that's it. And I think as women, we do take so much on, even just being a mum, not being a step parent, we take on so much stuff, and then to add that extra layer on, it's so emotionally taxing on you, and it's like it can be quite damaging. And I don't think we really realize until we're sort of being tipped over the edge, and I think that's why we've you we need to look after ourselves because if we can't be the best version, then we can't do the best job as being a parent.

Speaker 1: 40:10

And that's the the primary thing, and I think a lot of the time you know mothers don't do that, women don't do that, it it can seem very selfish.

Nicole: 40:17

Yeah, you just drown in all these thoughts and stuff, and it took such like a mental toll on me to the point that like I like I'm suffering from memory loss, which I didn't even know was a thing just because of stress, just because I've been so stressed for so many years dealing with all these situations where you talk down upon, you know, and just it's just so hard. And I think we just forget ourselves sometimes.

Speaker 1: 40:48

It's brilliant that there's a lot more support out there for mothers postnatal depression and those types of things. And you know, I was working with a stepmum the other day who said, like, where was my maternity leave when I became a stepmum? Where was my oh that's a good one? Where was my where was my support from the health visitor? And I haven't experienced postnatal depression myself, but I've got people I'm close to who have, and when you're going through postnatal depression, you get support, as is quite right, from so many people around. Different services, yeah. But the stepmums who go through step parenting related depression don't get that support. It's not, you don't have everyone on your side willing for you and rooting for you.

Nicole: 41:31

Yeah, and same for, I guess, from a husband from his perspective, like there's no real supports for in Australia, it's mainly dads, but it can be women too, that have been, I guess, isolated or alienated from their child when they haven't done anything wrong. Obviously, if there's a reasoning, completely get it. Yeah, I think the more we can get out there about what's happening to people, people's experiences, just to be relatable.

Speaker 1: 41:58

You know, I work with quite a few duds, and there's a special page on the on the website which people can go to or link it in the show notes for duds because again, it's as hard as it is for us, it's really hard for them as well. And they're often stuck in the middle.

Nicole: 42:11

And then we're trying to support them as well as us, plus all the children as well. So it's a never-ending cycle for us women.

Speaker 1: 42:18

No wonder you need a break.

Nicole: 42:20

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 42:22

Nicole, thank you so much for talking to me today. It's been pretty humbling to hear everything that you've been through, and I just really appreciate your openness and can just see what a loving mom and stepmum you are. And I will hope and I will keep my fingers crossed that your son and your stepson and your daughter are all able to reunite and that your stepson finds his way back to you guys.

Nicole: 42:47

Thank you. Yeah, I hope so too. And and thank you for letting me be a part of of this. I just I felt it was so important just to get my story and my journey out there. Like it helps me just to get it out. Plus, I hope it helps just even one person would be great.

Speaker 1: 43:02

It will help a lot of people, and it is so important to have a space where you can say that stuff out loud that you need to.

Nicole: 43:08

So yeah, and I and I think we don't do that enough by saying it out loud. Not even close. So it's been good. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 43:16

Keep in touch, let me know how you go.

Nicole: 43:19

Yeah, thank you. You you're so lovely. I felt really good. So it was not appreciate that because I don't have any friends that like are in the same situation, so it's really like nice.

Speaker 1: 43:31

Oh, thank you so much, Nicole. I have truly loved that conversation. As Nicole reminded us, these chats really matter. They show us we're not alone, that step family life is complex, and that it's perfectly okay not to have everything figured out. If today's episode has resonated with you and you're feeling ready for a reset before Christmas, I would love to invite you to my upcoming reset workshop. This online workshop runs across two evening sessions and is designed to help you find your footing again, to reconnect with your values, bring more calm and balance into your home. And I'm not talking about a scented candle, ladies, I'm talking about proper, proper help. And discover practical ways to communicate and hold boundaries without guilt. We'll also explore how to feel more in control of your stepfamily life and how to make peace with the things that are outside your control. You'll leave feeling clearer, lighter, and more confident in how you show up, both as a partner and as a stepmum. And it's such a supportive space to meet other women who truly understand what this journey feels like. If you'd like to join us, I'll pop the details in the show notes or head to stepmumspace.com. You'll find all the details there along with my downloadable workbooks in the online shop if you prefer to work through things privately at your own pace. We'll be back next week with another new episode. Take care, lots of love.