Episode 58: When Loving the Kids Is Easy… But Everything Else Is Hard

Book your place on The Stepmum Reset now: https://stepmumspace.com

Episode Summary

In this episode, Katie talks to Claire — an independent woman who fell deeply in love with her partner… and his three children. While Claire adores the kids, navigating the dynamic with their mum and the emotional load of stepfamily life has been far harder than she expected.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, out of control, or unsure where your boundaries should be, this conversation will make you feel truly seen.

In this episode, Katie and Claire explore:

• loving the kids but finding dynamics with their mum difficult
• biting your tongue more than anyone realises
• losing yourself while trying to hold everything together
• feeling like your life is shaped by other people’s decisions
• the emotional toll of being endlessly flexible
• why boundaries aren’t optional for stepmums
• how to reconnect with yourself when everything feels chaotic

A raw, validating conversation every stepmum will relate to.

Key Topics

• feeling out of control
• high-conflict or tense co-parenting dynamics
• silent emotional load
• boundaries when you’re not the biological parent
• resentment, guilt, overwhelm and burnout
• staying grounded and connected to yourself

The Stepmum Reset Workshop

If you’re thinking, “I can’t keep going like this,” The Stepmum Reset is for you.

This two-part workshop gives you the tools, language, boundaries and clarity to feel more in control.

Next dates:
26th November and 6th December
7:15–8:45pm UK Time
Live on Zoom
Small group, compassionate, safe

You’ll leave with:

• a personalised wellbeing and boundary plan
• tools that ease overwhelm
• clarity on what’s yours to hold — and what isn’t
• strategies for asking for what you need
• a community of women who truly get it

Book your place: https://stepmumspace.com

Or email: katie@stepmumspace.com

Perfect For

• overwhelmed stepmums
• women drained by the ex-partner dynamic
• stepmums struggling with boundaries
• high-conflict co-parenting situations
• those feeling anxious, invisible or resentful
• new stepmums needing validation and reassurance

Helpful Links

The Stepmum Reset: https://stepmumspace.com

Instagram: @stepmumspace
1:1 and Couples Coaching: https://stepmumspace.com/booking

Final Note

You are not alone.
 You are not doing it wrong.
 Your feelings are valid — and there is support that makes this feel lighter.

Transcript

Katie: 0:07

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. In today's episode, I talk to Claire, an independent woman who met her person and fell head over heels fast. He came with three kids, and while Claire absolutely adores them, navigating the relationship with their mum has been more complicated. And she'll tell you herself that sometimes she has no tongue left from biting it so hard. Before we dive in, I want to say this. If you're listening today and trying to hold so much together, the emotions, the dynamics, the boundaries, and all the things that you can't control, then what I'm about to share might be exactly what you've been needing. The next round of the Stepmum reset is open, running on Wednesday 26th of November and Wednesday 6th of December from 7.15 to 8.45 UK time. This workshop is not fluffy. It's not about forcing positivity or pretending things don't hurt. It's a space where we slow everything down so you can understand what's really going on for you and then learn practical tools that help you feel more in control of yourself no matter what is happening around you. You'll learn how to set and keep healthier boundaries, how to manage the things that feel unmanageable, and how to get clear on what you need and how to ask for it in a way that actually lands. If you've been stretched, overwhelmed, or silently carrying things that you've never said out loud, this workshop was designed for you. Women tell me all the time that it was the moment things finally started to change. You can find all the details in the show notes or at stepmumspace.com. Now let's meet Claire. She was an absolute delight to chat to, and you're gonna love listening to her story. Here's Claire.

Claire: 2:16

Hi, hello, thank you for having me. How are you doing today? I'm good. A little bit tired, was not ready for it to be Monday already just yet, but I'm fine, I'm good, I'm all good. We started our wedding planning this weekend as well. Oh, congrats! Oh thank you. Yeah, I mean it's it's still about two years away, but we just got excited. So we went and saw a couple of venues and then yeah, we saw some friends and was talking about the plans and then writing our guest list. That's when you really have to think about who you still like and who you don't like. Yeah, we had a lovely weekend, but just went over too quick.

Katie: 2:53

So tell me, Claire, what brought you to stepmum space?

Claire: 2:57

I can't believe it took me almost three years to find I love podcasts, by the way, and I can't believe that it took me that long to actually search for a podcast where it was just all things stepmums and how other stepmums feel, and just advice. And I was I was having a particularly hard couple of weeks with just a situation that had happened where a boundary of mine had been crossed, and I just felt like you know what, I feel I'm saying the same things to my friends all the time. I'm feeling like I'm being a bit of a nag to my partner going on about stuff. I feel like I need to just have another space where I can listen to people and be like, yes, that's how I feel. And that's how I I found I found step-mom space, and it really was like a oh, thank God that it's not just me. I'm not crazy, all these feelings are valid, which my friends and partner do tell me, but I think unless you've lived it and you are a stepmom, you don't fully get it. And so, yeah, that's what brought me to you. So thank you.

Katie: 4:10

Oh, well, thank you. It's uh I always say it's kind of only because of women like you who step out and are brave enough to say the things out loud that other women can be supported. So thank you so much for agreeing to talk to me today. Oh no, I'm a gabber, so you'll probably have to edit.

Claire: 4:25

Me and my partner have been together for three years, and he has three kids, two of which he shares with his ex-wife their their biological children. So they have an eight-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son, and then they also have a seven-year-old son who isn't biologically either of theirs, but they have special guardianship over him. And my partner's raised him since he was six months old. He's very much his dad, and he is a fantastic dad. We all live together. I moved in a year into the relationship. At the moment, it is 50-50 custody with biomal.

Katie: 5:07

That's a lot moving in and suddenly three kids after a year-long relationship. Yep, yeah.

Claire: 5:13

I mean, the minute that we got together, it was kind of like the mutual friend that got us together always says, I knew I could bring you together, and there would be a flame lit. I didn't expect it to be like a match to gasoline where you just kind of were like, Oh, you're my person, and then everything just went really quick. But I met the kids about four months into our relationship, and I just think it was because of the situation at the time as to why I met them earlier than I probably would have in another situation. Because when I first met my partner, it was 50-50. Him and his ex-wife had separated, they were starting divorce proceedings. My partner owned the family home. But what he said was, look, I want the kids to have consistency so they can stay in the house seven days a week. And when it's my time with them, I'll spend my four days in the house and you go to a family member's. And then when it's time for you to come and you have your time with the kids, I'll go and say my parents. So that's how it was working. And I thought, this is great. I've met this lovely guy that okay has got a lot on, got three kids, but he gets half of his time to himself. I have my own place so he could come to mine and we could go on date nights, but then three weeks in that all just completely changed. It was his Saturday night, not with his kids, and it was bio mum's time with the kids, and she was at the family home with the two elders. The youngest was staying with another family member. And me and my partner, we were out, we were having a lovely time, we were celebrating the birthday of the mutual friend that got us together. He stayed over at mine, we told each other we loved each other, and you know, and you're like, this is a little too good to be true. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. And it it did because the next morning he got a call off of Bio Mum. She was quite panicked. She was asking if he'd been home, and she wouldn't sort of tell him what had gone on, but he knew something had happened, so he had to just rush off. It transpired that that Saturday night when she was at home with two of the kids, she decided that she was going to have a bit of a drink. She then decided she was going to go out in her car, and the Wi-Fi was turned off, the doors were locked, and she went out and she was pulled over by police, and she was a little quite a way away from the house. So she spent the night at the police station, but didn't tell the police that there was two young kids under the age of 10. They were like, yeah, they were like five and nine at the time. And then they the next morning were found by two off-duty social workers, you couldn't write it, trying to make their way to their grandparents' house.

Katie: 8:12

So those kids didn't, they their mum went out and in their eyes didn't come back. They didn't know what to do.

Claire: 8:17

They didn't know what to do, couldn't get in touch because they didn't have their own phones, they just had iPads. But what was really sad was that they were trying to send videos to my partner. So there were videos found on the iPads of them saying, Daddy, we're by ourselves, we don't know where mum's gone. Really, really traumatic. But obviously the videos weren't coming through to the phone.

Katie: 8:39

Yeah.

Claire: 8:40

So it was just like everything just turned upside down in that one night, in that one day. Was that an a totally out of the blue thing for Biomam? She is someone who I I would call chaotic, but I think not usually to that extent. Because if she was, there's no way he would have been comfortable to leave her alone with the kids. You know, she's had a history of like not so nice behavior, which is what led to them separating. But that incident was definitely still like, oh wow. Didn't think she was capable of that, though. That is major. So yeah, really traumatic for them because then it was the whole they had to go down to the police station and talk to the police, and they're just little and was scared, and it was just it was awful. Um, so then they ended up in his care basically full time. They were able to see mum supervised, and then it sort of developed where okay, now they can spend the night with bio mum, but another member of their family is there and staying over, and gradually it got to the place where we're now three years into our relationship, and it's back to 50-50 custody. So, yeah, a lot, a lot is a lot's gone on.

Katie: 10:10

So you'd signed up to this 50-50 thing, and then suddenly you've got kids full-time in your partner's care. Talk us through that.

Claire: 10:19

I think because it happened three weeks in, I probably didn't have that much time to get used to having him to myself half of the time. And it was weird the way it worked because at the time my work pattern meant that I didn't start work until like three o'clock in the afternoon. And I had my own place. So he works from home. He was able to drop the kids off from school, and then he would come to my flat. And in between him doing his work calls and sending emails, we would be able to just put a film on and have a little bit of lunch and take the dog. I live right around, I live close to a park. We take the dog around the park. So that's how we made it work. We would get the odd date night if his parents were able to have all three kids for a couple of hours. But he was just conscious of like, oh, I'm gonna have to get back and pick them up off my mum and dad now. And he wanted to hold on so tightly to them as well because of what was going on that I know that he did never want to leave them for too long either in the care of his family, even though they're great with them. So yeah, that's just how we, that's just how we had to to do it.

Katie: 11:32

And what was it like for you going as someone who kind of had their own career, their own place, to moving into this family home with three kids who I guess you didn't know that well at the time.

Claire: 12:53

Yeah, so I met them four months in, and that I think we sped that up because it was getting to the point where it was meant to be by a mum's day. So me and my partner, we planned this whole date day, and then she would let them down last minute, and he'd be like, I'm so sorry, I've got to have the kids. And it got to the point where I was like, Do you know what? It's fine. Let's just all go for a picnic then. Let's just involve them because I really want to see you. And we just made it work. And the kids have never made me feel like they don't want me in their lives, that anything's too soon. I'm quite lucky in that respect that they just took to me straight away and I took to them. And so we didn't have that struggle, but yeah, it was definitely a switch going from my own little sanctuary and just my own rubbish and no one else using my bathroom and just cleaning up after myself and only one noise at a time and not three iPads and an Alexa and the telly and fighting. Absolute massive, massive change. And it's still sometimes it's it's still hard now. I don't think that ever I think it probably gets easier when you get used to certain things, but I don't think it's ever fully just like, yeah, this is fine and dead fun all of the time and easy. You know, there's definitely times where I'm like, actually, it would be lovely for it to just be us tonight. And then there's other times where I'm like, oh, I'm gonna cook a really lovely family meal and we're gonna have a movie night. So it's it's fine, it just has its moments because there's three of them.

Katie: 14:30

Nobody ever tells you when you're thinking about having biological adoptive stepchildren. The more children you have, the more moods there are to manage, which sounds really obvious, but actually, you know, between me and my husband, I say current husband, but then it makes it sound like I'm planning on getting another one one day. I never know.

Claire: 14:50

You never know. You never know, Katie. You never know. Just if you're planning on us on another husband, maybe just see how many kids he has.

Katie: 14:59

Yes. So I guess sometimes then you're having these lovely family meals, but then you've obviously got all these different moods to contend with as well. What was that like?

Claire: 15:10

I always say that there is one monster that lives between the three children. And look, I I love them dearly. They are fantastic kids, the great kids, but you never get all three of them being great at the same time. There'll always be one or two where you're like, they've been marvelous this last week, and there'll be one that is like a demon. So, like, it is it is tough because just when one starts to be okay again, then another one, because they're all going through their own little phases. You know, we've just got one that started big school, so he's like a teenager overnight, and all of his emotions that come with that, and then you know, his his daughter sometimes, like she's in that weird phase where she's eight and she's not quite ready to be a bigger girl yet. She still wants baby in a little bit, and then the seven-year-old, he is just like an 85-year-old man, he is just so sassy, and but yeah, it is it is tough with everyone's moods, especially because your own can change day to day and hour to hour. And I know sometimes I I struggle when I'm hormonal. That's when I struggle, where I'm just like, okay, I just need there to be no noise, and you take everything so much more personally at that time. Yeah, it can, it can be, it can be tough.

Katie: 16:32

It's intense as well. Like I work with few women who are stepmums who don't have biological children, and they will say like they feel really guilty because they're like, I'm overstimulated, I need space, I've got a job, I've got these kids that are here, I just want a break. I am therefore an awful stepmum. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. You are fully entitled to need a break, and you're just a normal mum because I don't think there's any mums out there who like, oh, I've had such a hard day at work, but yay, I get to be with my kids all evening and make them dinner and tidy up, and then brilliant, I get to do bath and bedtime, you know. But for some reason, when you're a step-mum, it's harder to vocalize that I need space without feeling guilty.

Claire: 17:11

I used to struggle a lot with that, and I think, especially at first, my partner nicknames me Mary Poppins, and you know, even his dad called me Poppins for ages as a nickname because you go into that mode of, oh, these are young children that need arms wrapping around them, and they've been through so much, and I know that I can bring so much to them and help and love them. And yet, of course, our first holiday together will be a family holiday. Why wouldn't it be? Because you want to just you sort of want to prove that you can do it, that it's okay, because I know my partner was really like wary of oh, is she gonna run? So then you want to make them feel okay. And then I think the longer you sort of into it, you start to think, no, actually, it's okay for me to have my needs, and you're figuring it out. So I think if at first you are in that Mary Poppins mode, and then suddenly you start finding that you are putting boundaries in place and you are changing things up and you aren't putting up with things that you did you put up with at the beginning, it's absolutely fine. And I think the difference between biological parents is like my partner will say a lot of the time, oh I know, but like I'm just doing it, it's for the kids, it's for the kids, it's for the kids, and I'm like, I know it's for the kids, and you're a great dad. And I'm just saying I know that they're kids, but this, this, and this is doing my head in, and you need to have a word, but he's really good and he's really he's really supportive. And no, I I don't I don't really feel all that bad anymore if I have to sort of say, guys, this is really upsetting me, or if I have to speak to my partner about it, because at the end of the day, you do take on a love when you come into a situation like this, uh, and definitely not as much Mary Poppins, but I don't want to be, I don't want to be all spoonful of sugar and all of that. I think it's important to be real and to remember that you're a person as well. You have your things and you need your needs met as well. So then you can give the most that you can to your partner and these young kids. You know, you can't forget yourself.

Katie: 19:29

Absolutely not. You know, often people say, Oh, the kids come first, and that is important, but it's also important that kids in any type of family realise that actually what mum and dad sometimes need counts as well. I don't know, my kids will be like, Oh, I don't I don't really want that to eat. And I'm like, Well, I know it's not your favourite, but it's dad's favourite, so we're gonna have it. Yeah, it is.

Claire: 19:48

It's it's it is those boundaries and I say it and them, and and I always say to my partner, like, I don't want to be bad copy or good cop in situations, but when you're trying to instill really good values as well, not I mean the dad does that, he's marvelous, but you know, I'll be trying to get them to read more instead of just being on the iPads, or I'm gonna try a new dish because you keep moaning that you're having the same things, but you only like three meals, so we don't have a lot to work with. You know, sometimes it's when I feel like I'm trying to do things that I know will be good in the long run that can be frustrating. You're like, I know I'm not being the fun one right now by saying to you, please try and eat those peas as well. But it's all from a good place. It can't, it can be, it can be hard, it can be tall.

Katie: 20:38

And that's like part of mothering, isn't it? Like your job isn't to make your kids happy every second of the day. And every time they say sweets, you say yes, because you actually want them to keep their teeth for all their life if possible.

Claire: 20:49

Exactly, exactly. And then there's other times you're like, please go to your rooms with your iPads, you can have them for three hours because I just want to catch up on the traces. It's give and take, isn't it?

Katie: 20:59

It seems like that's come quite naturally to you. Would you say it has?

Claire: 21:03

Yeah, I think I'm just probably just a little bit motherly anyway, and worked with young kids and grown up around young kids. And I think it, like I said earlier, it's probably because the kids have never made me feel like they don't want me around. They very much wanted me around from the off, but then they made that really clear. And my partner's just always been really supportive and fantastic. And there's there's still times though, where I'll have to say, I feel this way, or I'm not happy about this, and he might not always get it straight away, but we have a really good communication, and there's still days where I'm like, everyone in this house is doing my head in. But he goes, Do you ever miss that flat that you had when I first met you? And I'm like, maybe for an hour or so, but no, I would never want to go back to before all of this. Like, I would have people saying to me, I know you like this guy, but is it not a lot? Like, three kids are a lot. And I'm like, Yeah, three kids are a lot, but it's choose your heart, choose your heart because my life would be harder without him in it. And not because I need a man to, you know, I was very good at being single and living alone, but when I met him, I was like, oh, okay, you're the person that I have been holding out for, and I don't not want you. So whatever you bring, yeah, it's hard, but it's also wonderful at the same time.

Katie: 22:29

It's amazing that the kids have accepted you from the off. Do you think? I mean, apart from you being an incredibly wonderful person, do you think there was anything else that made it easy for them to accept you?

Claire: 22:40

I definitely think that they were going through a really, really tough time and then probably did want to latch on to somebody who was there and being quite motherly and trying really hard because she was in Mary Poppins mode, and I'm still motherly. I think that definitely did make it easier because they were like, oh, okay, this is a person that's making daddy happy, and she's doing fun things with us while we're going through this really hard time. And I think that definitely played played into it.

Katie: 23:11

And because I guess the timing from their parents splitting up to you and their dad getting together was quite quick. So it's quite unusual that they didn't feel some element of competitiveness or jealousy with you. I wonder whether that was because their mum had kind of been removed, although it's still quite interesting that they didn't feel like conflicted about their positive relationship with you. It's quite unusual.

Claire: 23:35

I think if they did, they never let me sort of know about it. I think the eldest, because he because the youngest were only four and five when all of that was going on, and I think because their dad's done such a good job of protecting them and shielding them from certain things that were going on, even in the marriage, because it wasn't a happy marriage. And my partner will have trauma from from all of that as well, but he's on such a good job at protecting the kids. I think the elders, because he was nine, he was a bit more clued up and definitely felt a loyalty to his mum. But I think it just came out in other ways, maybe like bad behaviour in terms of just kicking off and being a bit bratty and not listening to the dad and crying over things that you're like, why you why are you crying over that? So I think that's probably how it manifested itself, rather than you're not my mum, you know, there was never any of that. There was a funny, um there was a funny moment where they got me um like a Mother's Day card and some presents, which was really sweet. Um there's like no secret with the kids because they came off and went, Me mum was fuming, my mum was fuming that we got you that, you know, and she said, You better not ever call here, mum. And it's it's really hard because full disclosure, I I don't like her. So I don't we don't have a relationship, uh, you know, she's not my type of person at all, but you can't in that moment go, oh, a one of this and of this, she is. You have to go, okay. Well, yeah, I mean, I can I can understand why mum wouldn't want me to be called mum. That must be quite hairful towards her, but please don't ever feel like you can't make me a card or buy me a present. It's that juggling all the time, where sometimes you do just want to go, yeah, this is exactly how I feel about her in that situation. But you the kids and it's their mum. So you have to be careful.

Katie: 25:38

It's it's a real tierope, isn't it? And always like balancing that. I remember one of my stepdaughters once saying to me, because she was like three when we got together, so she can't remember a time. She'll say, 'I can't remember a time when you you and my dad weren't together.' And I remember one point her saying to me, I really want like a special name for you, and suggesting kind of different things, and anything that had like a mum derivative in it. I was like, Oh, I don't think so, because I really didn't want to upset her mum after we'd had that conversation, and I was talking to my husband about it, and I was like, I didn't want to make her feel like she was less than my son, but equally, I didn't want her mum to feel like I was treading on her toes or stepping on the side. So it's such a like balance to navigate between you don't want a child to feel not included, but you're also trying to be sensitive to their mum's feelings, even if your case you're like, oh, she's not my person. That's so hard, isn't it?

Claire: 26:33

You're a nicer person than me. If I'm being really honest, I probably don't fully take bio mum's feelings into account because maybe this this is a me problem, maybe, and stuff that I need to work on, and I may feel differently in the future. But I think because so much has happened that involved her in such a negative way, both during our relationship, before our relationship, I find it really hard to separate her sometimes from just being that person that I think is quite awful. But I can't let the kids know that because it is their mom. And maybe in the future, you know, things may change, she may grow as a person, I may grow as a person, and we get to a point where it's like, okay, things have been quite consistent and quite settled. You haven't been rude to my partner or let the kids down in any way for a long time now. Okay, fine. We might get to that point in the future where it's different. But right now, I just have to pretend at times that, oh, it's fine. And yeah, I like mum and we're civil, and it's it's fine. Of course, I take her feelings into account because that's all the kids need to know. And I don't ever do anything, I don't ever go out of my way to make her feel a certain way, but it is tough because there's days where you just want to go. That's really poor on your mum's part, there, isn't it? And that's really, really upset me. And I will cry to my partner and be like, I can't believe she's had the audacity to say that to the kids when I'm just doing something nice or I'm trying, and you know, we don't get that same back from her, that same grace back or whatever, but you don't let the kids in on it. Sometimes though, we will say, like, like they might go, Oh, mum's said this, or we only have pizza at mum's for this is just an example. And we'll say, Do you have veg? Like, does she make anything else? And no, not really. And we'll sort of sometimes put the question to them. So, like, do you think that that's okay? Should she maybe make you something else? You know, it's it's but never in like uh we're trying to plant a seed that your mum's bad.

Katie: 28:43

And also it's quite hard when they're at that age, because sometimes I think young people, children say things, sort of looking to their stepparents or their other parent as to like, well, what's the right reaction here? I totally get what you're saying because sometimes I've seen my husband or somebody say, Well, it's up to you what you think of this situation, or the child will be saying something, and sometimes I think if you go, Oh, mum's brilliant, you know, mum's just being brilliant, then they're like, Okay, so it's wrong of me that I feel weird about that. And actually, probably that's why step parenting is so tiring because you're constantly trying to like unpick well, what actually is going on behind what they're saying, and what is the right thing to say here, and whose feelings am I trying to protect the most? And how do I, you know, it's like that constant whirr in your brain.

Claire: 29:30

Exhausting, like it's exhausting. I think as well, like the they make their own minds up as well as they get older, and the 11-year-old, he he wasn't always let on out of loyalty for his mum, but there's definitely been times and situations where he knows that she's sort of not come through, she's let him down, and it's really sad to see it. And then what ends up happening is my partner overcompensates, and so that's where we sometimes had little bits of fallouts because I'm like, I absolutely want you to always provide for your kids and what they need. But if there was something that biomum was supposed to do, if she was meant to pay half for that school trip, or if you know she was meant to drop off the shin pads for his football kick because he's got a match tonight and she's not doing those things, you're gonna do it because you don't want them to go without. But is she being held accountable? Or are you saying anything to her? And a lot of the time, you know, he would say to me, Oh, there's no point. Oh, she doesn't listen. I'd rather just do it as they've got it. It's for the kids, it's for the kids. And I'm like, I know it's for the kids. But for us to have a happy relationship, there has to also be boundaries, and I'll absolutely help you pick up where someone else's letting them down. But you have to hold that person accountable, you have to set the boundaries because my partner's a really chill, lovely, patient guy, and he I think he does like to sort of give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and so it does fall to me to sometimes set the boundaries, reaffirm the boundaries, and just be like, no, no, just because it's Might have been being okay for a little bit. You can't forget that we have certain boundaries with hair in place for a reason. It is tough. And you don't ever want the kids to feel like, well, we're not going to do that for you because that was what mum was meant to do. Because all that happens is the kids left out or left needing something that they were told they were going to get, like a trip or something they needed for school. So it is, it's really tough. But my partner's really good now at saying too, especially the oldest, you know, mate, you know that that's not good enough, don't you? That she was meant to drop that kiss for you three hours ago, and now I'm having to go and pick it up. And you know, she's saying she's not home. And and he goes, No, I know, I know. And it's it is that fine line between you don't ever want to slag off the other parent. But the kids should know in ways what is good and how that they should be treated and how to treat other people.

Katie: 32:01

Yeah, and I think it's absolutely right that your partner is gently saying that, but not in a way that's gonna make his son feel awful. And so my son's 15, and he recognises lots of things now that I've never said or taught him about, but he he'll raise it, he'll call it. I'm like, well, you know, I sort of think you're two and a half years away from being an adult. I'm gonna say, well, yeah, that's right.

Claire: 32:25

Yeah, yeah, and that and that's it. And I think you sort of you call it, don't you? You know in your gut when it's right to go, yeah, mate, that's not good enough, is it? You know, I just have to really like some days I have no tongue left from biting it. And I'm like, just separate your feelings about biomum away from this situation, because that's not what's gonna be helpful right now. But you know, it's it's tough because I think as a step-mum as well, like and I tried to explain this to my partner, I was like, you're very black and white, you'll see what needs doing, what you need to do about it, how something is, and that's the way it is. Sometimes I think when when you're a step-mum and you've come into the situation, you have all this other stuff going on underneath. So you've taken on all of the things that have, you know, happened to them and how you feel about everyone in the situation. But then you can't help but think about the things that you've maybe sacrificed as much as you love everyone, what you've sacrificed. And I'm I'm going through a thing at the moment where I'm like, I don't even know if I want a biological child. I feel I can't make my mind up because there's already three in the mix, not their fault. But you have all these things going on all of the time that you're sort of always a little bit like here with it. So then when something happens, you can go from naught to a hundred about that situation because you've constantly got all those other things. And those things you were talking about before of okay, how do I say this? How do I handle this? What do I do? Is that because I feel like that about biome, or is it because I know that this situation just really crap? And I said that to my partner, it's like I have all these things going on all of the time in my heart, in my head. So sometimes what might seem small to you can be so much bigger to me. And then I can spiral with it. And we had a situation a couple of weeks back where I was in the summer where I was added to a school group for his eldest's new secondary school. One of the mums made a group with all the other parents in about the new school. And I was added into it and went to bed, thought nothing of it, woke up the next morning, and while I'd been sleeping, there'd been this massive kickoff from bio mum. She doesn't need to be in that group. I'm the mum. And I'm, you know, you're like, I picked them up from school, what are you on about? You know, it's just like, and I thought, okay, whatever. And she'd messaged my partner kicking off, and he he stood up for me and he said, Look, she has every right to be in that group. She she picks them up the kids up from school. If there's anything she needs to know while I'm working away, it was a power move. I get that. It was, and I just said, It's fine, whatever. I'm sure if I need to know something, someone will message me. And then he said to her, Look, don't message me now unless it's to do with child arrangements. I'm not bothered about how you feel about that. Don't message me. And so he said, Yeah, I've told her now it's black and white. Just me, just message me when it's to do with where we're picking the kids up and when. Because I've got a boundary where I'm like, I don't think she should just call you for anything. I think unless it's urgent or it's an emergency, it can be a text. I don't want to be sat having dinner and your phone goes and it's your ex-wife if she doesn't need to be calling. So we'd said, Oh, I've told her now that's it. Only message me now if it's about where we're picking the kids up. And then a few weeks later, I'd taken the daughter to get because that they're all they all love K-pop demons, don't they? Obsessed. So I'd taken her to get her braid done, and I'd taken her to this place a couple of times. We go and we get sweets beforehand, and it's this whole thing, she loves it. And that evening we were at home, I was looking for something on his phone, and then it just so happened. I do not go through my partner's phone, by the way. There was something I was being shown on it, and then I sort of came off of that, and the last thing was a message to BioMum, and he'd sent pictures of her with her hair done, and was like, Oh, we're going to a Halloween thing tomorrow. Do you like her hair? And I was just like, Are you joking? What, like, what are you joking? Why have you asked her opinion? And again, some people would listen to this and be like, So what? Like he was showing her mom her her hair, and and I know that they send pictures of the kids, you know, if they're on holiday or whatever. But I was just like, why, but why are you asking her opinion? You know, it's I didn't think that you had that dynamic. And it was so weird because something so small as that really upset me because I was like, I thought you didn't even speak unless it was I'm dropping the kids at five. Can you drop peak it? Whatever. And she'd replied, Oh yeah, I love it. And I was just like, that looks really friendly. Like I'm and he was like, Oh, I do know what I didn't even really think. And so it's just it's things like that that I'm like, okay, you have to stay consistent with her because she's not a consistent person. You have to stay consistent. So just even if she's been being nice for the last two weeks, don't then be like, oh, we're best friends, you know. So that can be tough because I don't ever what I find hard is that I'm very much somebody who if someone's upset me, if they've done something, I'm very much like, look, can we just have a chat about that? And we'll discuss it and we'll talk about it. I've never been able to sit with this person and say everything that I want to say. And that's what's really difficult. So I don't have a relationship with her. We don't, we don't speak. So sometimes I'm like, okay, it's one way, it's very black and white, and you know, you're talking to discuss the kids, but but then you're asking her if she likes her hair and sends him pictures of it. I I can't like which one is it? It's weird things like that that can just make you feel a bit odd sometimes. And he was like, Oh, it's just I was just sending her a picture. And I was just like, okay, but why are you getting into conversation when you don't like her? And it's, you know, it's it's it's very strange.

Katie: 38:47

Yeah, I think if you've got that sort of relationship with your ex where you do that, that I know a lot of stepfamilies have, but I think probably from the sounds of it, the difficulty for you is you think there's one relationship and then you find out actually it's not quite what you thought. So then it's like, well, hang on, what what else of my reality is not my reality?

Claire: 39:06

Yeah, yeah, and it does make you spiral, and then and then it's sort of like, oh, do you get on more than you let on because it's but just tell, just tell me, you know, because I'm sort of over here on my own, thinking that we have one dynamic with her, but then if you've been obviously in conversation more with her over certain things, and then the conversation's turned friendly or whatever, I don't know that I'm still over here going, yes, we are united in this front that we don't particularly like this person and they've caused us drama and all of that. So it's it's difficult because I don't have a narrative with her, I don't have conversation with her, so it's it's it's tough sometimes.

Katie: 39:52

You said earlier, I've got all these things in my head that I've never said to her, or I've got all these, you know, I've never been able to say the things I want to say. What would you really like to say?

Claire: 40:03

You're allowed to swear. Oh well then. Oh, buckle in. No, um, I think what I would like to say is just why have they not always just been your priority? Like they should always be your priority all of the time. And just that when she messes with my partner's time and like is late for pickup or drop off without an apology, that's also affecting my time and me. And it's really difficult. There's probably a lot more that I would want to say. There are boundaries, you know. He's was your partner at one point, he's not now, and to just expect him to still pick up certain things that you're not doing is not okay, and just like be a bit more respectful, I think, just have a bit more respect of like our time. Like, only the other night we were driving back from his eldest had a football match, and it was mum's night, so we were on our way to her house to drop him back off, and she called on the way to say, Oh, I'm busy now. I'm packing up, I'm moving house, so you'll just have to like go back to your dad's till later. And then in that really hard situation, because we'd had the kids for the past week and we were really looking forward to it. Like, my partner had bought like this really lovely dinner and a bottle of wine and candles, and we had this whole night planned, but then you don't want to say in front of his son, Oh, there's our Friday night out the window, because how's that going to make him feel? And also, mum has literally just called him now to say, No, sorry, can't come back to mine. It's things like that. And I'm just like, Are you joking? Like, he's on his way home. Like, are you joking? And it wasn't even like uh pulled in at my partner to be like, is this okay? I'm really sorry, something's come up. Would he be able to come back just tonight? Really sorry. There's no sort of accountability, and that's what I struggle with because I'll hold my hands up. If I'm wrong, I'll hold my hands up. I struggle with people who don't do that and don't really have any sort of care for other people's time or just take for granted that, oh, well, he'll just do it. So then my partner was like, Well, where's the youngest two? And they they were at their Nan's. He was like, Oh, I can I can go to Nan's and I'll go and sleep over at Nan's with the other two. So my partner was like, Oh, okay, then mate, because Nan's was on the way. So we dropped some of that as Nan's. And then as we drove off, he was like, I feel awful. I feel like I've just abandoned him. I said, Well, he's fine. He's with a family member and he's with his brother and sister. Is that Nan's? He's he's okay. And you know, we went and we had our Friday night, but he did say, Text me if you need me, if you do want to come home. You never want to make them feel like they can't come home. It's just really tough. And it's like, oh, we've had a week. And you really look forward to your Friday together. That's what I struggle with, is like somebody else having an influence on our time, my time, my mood sometimes as well. He'll go, don't let it bother you. And I'm like, that's really easy for you to say. But when we've had a bank holiday Monday, our planned, and she hasn't turned up to get the kids, and now we've gonna entertain the kids, even though they've been with us all weekend. I'm gonna feel a certain way about that. And there's no one to direct your anger to in those situations because I'm not gonna direct it at her because we don't speak and I don't want to even get into confrontation with her. But then if I show that anger towards my partner, that's not fair because he hasn't caused that situation, then you can't do it in front of the kids. So you're just left being annoyed in the living room by yourself. And it's that, it's that no direction sometimes for your feelings because the people that are around you aren't really to blame.

Katie: 44:02

Yeah. I mean, when you were talking about the incident with being in the car, I was like feeling your anger because I'm thinking, if you're moving house, it's fair enough to say to the other parent, hey, I'm moving, can you have the kids? But you know, like a little bit in advance, surely, and you could say, I'm moving house, it's gonna be a bit of a tricky any chance we can swap because I'm packing up their beds, and can we plan it? No issue, right? That's like a normal thing, but to suddenly announce and then your partner's driving off thinking, I feel like I've abandoned him. Actually, no, it's the mum who's abandoned him, but dad's got to then pick up the pieces and be left with the guilt because mum's not gonna carry it.

Claire: 44:38

Yeah, and that's where we sort of where then I'll be annoyed in the car because I'm like, why do you feel bad? Like she doesn't feel bad. She's left them all at the night, and that's that's it, that's where we all sort of butt head sometimes. I'm just like, no, this isn't on, this isn't on you. Because there are times where you want to be like, well, maybe they have to miss the school trip because if mum hasn't paid for them to go or sorted the forms, they need to be aware. But then you say that in the heat of the moment, but then obviously when it comes to the day where all the mates are getting on the bus with the backpacks and they're not going, you'll feel awful. Of course you're not gonna let that happen. And that's where it's hard because I'm like, does she care? She is she bothered? Or is it because she does just know it will fall to him to pick up the pieces? But yeah, absolutely, because they they do have that where they'll swap sometimes. I I tend to say to him, Oh, maybe ask your parents if they can help before you swap a day and just try and keep things very black and white. And this is how it is inconsistent. But there are times because sometimes he does work away. My shift means that I'm up and out and in work before the kids are even up for school. So obviously there's times where he has to say to bio mum, look, can you do this this day next week? We'll swap something round. And that's what's quite sad as well, is like he's always doing extra. So like he's the football coach. So even on a Thursday when it's not his night, he's picking the eldest up, he's taking them Saturday morning when it's not his Saturday, he's taking him to the match. There'll be so many extra things where he's like, he's just took his daughter to the gladiators, but that fell on Mum's weekend. So it's like we're always doing extra, and we'll say, Do you mind if we have the kids next weekend? But we don't ever get that. Then it's never, oh guys, I know it's your weekend, but I really want to take the kids to this thing on Saturday. We don't get the same back, and that's quite sad. It's like, oh, do you not ever want to do any? Or she's really good at planning, and everything she plans is on her weekends with the kids. He's always, always doing more. And I have to remind them to sometimes like you don't always have to feel the guilt of certain situations.

Katie: 46:50

Also, like as somebody who shares a child with an ex-husband, I'm always so looking forward to seeing him when he's been with his dad. I can't ever, ever, unless somebody had had a heart attack and I needed to be in an ambulance, I can't ever imagine just ringing up going, no, sorry, he can't come home.

Claire: 47:08

Yeah, that's it, because they've been with us all week. So then when we dropped him off, and again, you go into that mode of like, I'm really pissed off, and I really want my Friday night with my partner, and I love this poor kid in the back of the car, but I don't I don't particularly want you to come back with us tonight. I want to sit and catch up with your dad and have a glass of wine and a snog. You know what I mean? It's like you just I want to net your dad and not have anyone knocking on the door. It's my iPad charged. No, it's go away, you know. But you have all that going on where you're like, don't show him that you don't want him to come back because it's not about him, it's you just really wanting your Friday night alone with your partner. You're also really annoyed that his mum's just decided 10 minutes before we get there that she's busy packing boxes. Why can't he help her? Why can't he sit there and watch them while she does that?

Katie: 48:01

Everything that you talk about about wanting a like a normal Friday night. Me and my husband, we have two children together who are obviously with us both 100% of the time. They're seven and nine. And quite often we'll be like, early night tonight, then, kids, you're gonna be able to read in bed. Because, you know, we're like the same. We had some friends for dinner on Friday night, and I made sure they were kind of in their PJs and all ready by about seven-ish. Let them say hi to the friends, and then I'm like, right, it's grown-up time now, guys. Like, I'm gonna take you up. They'd have their story and everything, and like that's totally okay. They were pissed off because they were like, Well, we want to stay and have the meal. I'm like, sorry, I can't ever remember a time when you've wanted seafood risotto, yet now apparently it's what you're desperate for. I'll make it another day, kids. You'll be right. But like it's that getting your space. But when they get a little bit older and you've got like, if he's 11, it's harder to kind of go, right, you're in high school, but off your trot now.

Claire: 48:56

Like, yeah, it is, and especially because now, like, he's got a key to the house. So, like, and you it's it is tough because you want them to feel like that this is their safe space because it is, and we are their safe space, but you do obviously just go, Oh, I just really I just want to bath without someone knocking on the door asking me what colour is the sky on a Wednesday or half six, you know, kind of questions. And yeah, and it and it is, and I think it's okay to and to be fair, my partner is quite good, and this is just this is all through like communication as well, of speaking up and and saying, you know, because the way he sees it is not that he has half of his time free, he sees it as like, oh, I have half the time without my kids, you know. So, like obviously, then when he does have the kids, he wants to make the most of it. There was a time where I said to him, Listen, like we've had the kids for a week, and every night this week, you've let them stay up till like half nine, and we haven't been able to just get a little bit of our time. And I don't always want to wait for a week to just have an hour with you and have an adult conversation. And so he will take things on board, and so there will be nights where he's like, Right, guys, you can go and watch your tellies in your room. Them getting tellies for Christmas, God send. So it's like you can go and watch your tellies in your room from eight o'clock, you've got an hour, and that just gives us that breathing space because before then it was like kids home from school, tea together. Back then, they did they did want to be in the living room with us all the time as well. So it's it's easier now, it was a lot more intense at first. And what's brilliant about the winter is you're like, oh, it's so late, it's been dark for three hours, guys. Come on, bedtime, and it's like quarter to seven, just hide all the clocks in the house.

Katie: 50:45

Yeah, you know, it seems like obviously you've got an awesome sense of humor and you can take it all in your stride. But when the times are more difficult, you're having those tough moments, what kind of gets you through it?

Claire: 50:57

Um my partner does because he is really he's really good and he he will listen and he does take things on board, even though I might have to say the same thing sometimes, like, no, this is really why it's annoying me. And then he'll sometimes, you know, make our alone time more special and plan like in like state night and things like that. And I think him just being a calm person to my not so calm at times really helps. But I just I think having good friends around you that might not get it, but they get it, you know, and just let you go. This is really hard. What you've talked on is actually it's massive. Oh, I wouldn't have done it, I couldn't do it, you know, or whatever it is. I've got a really great family as well. So I know that I'm always, you know, my mom's always like, oh, if it gets too, just come and have a bottle of wine at mine and sleep over in your old room. It's fine, you know. And so I have really great people around me, but I think it's what I've realized lately is remembering the person that you are before. Because I was so good at being on my own, and then you get so used to being around your person and all these little people, and your life has changed so much. Sometimes you can forget that. Actually, just going back to basics and being like, I need to make it happen that I have a night to myself and do all of those things that I'd done when I was alone. I went for a run and then I went and picked myself a lovely tea and I watched what I want to watch on the telly and I think it's important to carve those moments out for yourself. And even if you live in a house where people are there 100% of the time, go upstairs. Just be like everyone's staying downstairs tonight while I just get a bath. I'm gonna sit in the bedroom and I'm gonna watch what I want to watch. So I think all of those things are a help.

Katie: 52:47

I think you're right. You've got to you've got to find those moments.

Claire: 52:50

Exactly. And it's like you have to think, you know what, you're great as well, because you know, you are keeping that family going and bringing that love to the house. And you've just got you've got to bring it to yourself and just give yourself a pat on the back sometimes and be like, yeah, this can be tough and just remember you, and that it's absolutely fine to want that alone time. I don't want to be around anyone all at the time. So, you know, why why feel guilty when that is kids? It's it's okay. They want their alone time, they come in sometimes and they run to their rooms and they just want to decompress. We can do it too, and we need to show them that we can do that. And adults are allowed to have their own time and alone time and couple time, and then family time, because then you all get along because you've had your space.

Katie: 53:40

It's true, it's true. I think sometimes it's where holidays can be so difficult because you chuck everyone in somewhere different and go, let's have loads of quality time together.

Claire: 53:48

I can't look at Mickey Mouse now without shaking because we went to Florida in the summer, and this is gonna make me probably sound awful, but I'm past caring. I said, Never again am I doing a two-week really privileged position to be able to go to Florida. We had this lovely villa, we went to all of the parks. It was hell on earth. I was overstimulated, the kids were overstimulated, it was boiling hot, you're out of your comfort zone, and I just I had the shakes on the plane when I got back, and I just went, I can't even watch a Disney film for the foreseeable because I've got PTSD. Like it's just picky battles, but then it's learning though. So now I know we done a week in Salub last year. Okay, that's fine. We've done long weekends in Wales, okay, that's fine. Never ask me to do two weeks. It's not a holiday, it's not a holiday when there's young kids involved. You're just doing the dishes and breaking up fights, but somewhere hot holiday.

Katie: 54:52

I I hear you, Claire. It's been such a joy to talk to you. I could talk to you all day.

Claire: 54:58

I could talk all day. That's the problem. That's my problem.

Katie: 55:02

Thank you so much for your time. And I know that there'll be so many people who are like, oh, thank God, right? How do I get a bit more of player's energy into my world? So thank you so much for being so honest about everything. I really appreciate it.

Claire: 55:13

Of course, and I absolutely still do have meltdowns and breakdowns and stuff, but I think finding the humor and keeping the communication is what will save you and just give yourself a break. It's a lot.

Katie: 55:28

Something happened the other day, and my son said to me, my 15-year-old, who went, Mum, how'd you do it like this? And I was like, Have you ever wondered why I make so many jokes? It's literally his like a pretty good way of dealing with it, Mum.

Claire: 55:43

Yeah, you're like, Yeah, I'm now a stand-up comedian. Yeah, you can all buy tickets to the show.

Katie: 55:50

Yes, the crazy show. Um, so thank you so much for talking to me.

Claire: 55:55

Oh, well, thank you very much, and and thank you for the podcast. It's wonderful, and you saved my sanity a couple of weeks ago when I was crying in the car listening to it. So thank you.

Katie: 56:05

Bless. And that's like my little call out to anyone who's listening who thinks I'm ready, I'm ready to share my story to please get in touch. Because obviously, like I said at the beginning, we can only make the show because people are brave enough to put their head up and go, do you know what? I'm gonna share my story. And actually, hopefully, it's quite a nice experience for you.

Claire: 56:24

Yeah, it's been great, it's been quite cathartic.

Katie: 56:28

That's the thing, isn't it? It's safe space. Yes. Share it all, share it all. To let it all out. Oh, yes, ladies, this is the show where we let it all out because it is so important to have a safe space for all those big, messy, complicated feelings. If you're sitting here thinking, yes, this is me, I feel out of control, I feel like someone else has so much influence over my life, I'm exhausted from holding boundaries or from not having any at all, then you would love the Stepmum Reset Workshop. In these intimate small group sessions, we dig into exactly this: how to feel more grounded, how to understand what's yours and what isn't, and how to create and actually maintain those healthy boundaries to protect your well-being and your relationship. You'll build your own personalised strategies using bespoke tools that genuinely make a difference so you can feel calmer, clearer, and more in control. The next workshop is running on Wednesday 26th of November and Wednesday 3rd of December from 7.15 to 8.45 UK time live on Zoom. You can book your spot at stepmomspace.com or drop me a DM or email me at Katie at stepmomspace.com if you want to chat about whether it's right for you. It is so important to take care of your own well being and happiness. And as Claire said, sometimes you have to remember to put yourself back at the top of your own list. Lots of love, and I'll see you next time.