Episode 60: Stepmum Survival: Court, Trauma & Keeping Your Relationship Strong

(Trigger warning: miscarriage, domestic violence)

What happens to a stepmum when the whole family system is in survival mode?
When there’s court, withheld contact, trauma, ASD needs, transition day meltdowns, and a partner trying to hold everything together with guilt-soaked hands?

In today’s episode, Jean (not her real name) shares her raw, complex and human journey on Stepmum Space.

Across this conversation we explore:

• What it’s like to fall in love with someone whose ex weaponises contact
•  How ASD, trauma, and loyalty binds shape a child’s behaviour
•  The emotional toll of being blamed for things that never happened
•  Step-sibling dynamics when both partners bring a child into the relationship
•  The guilt, resentment and relief stepmums rarely say out loud
•  How to stay connected to your partner through the chaos
• Why stepmums often think “maybe they’d be better off without me” — and how to move past it
• When the ex blocks therapy: what it does to the child and the stepmum
• How to stay connected to your partner through chaos
• The surprising moments that helped rebuild trust, safety and calm
• What children really understand about conflict, loyalty binds, and transitions

Jean speaks openly about miscarriages, trauma responses, domestic abuse in the wider system, and the ripple effects that land in a stepmum’s lap—often silently, often without choice.

This episode gives you:

• Emotional reassurance
• Practical insights
• A deeper understanding of trauma behaviours
• A real-life story of survivable — and workable — blended family chaos
• Permission to feel what you’re feeling

🔥 If this episode hit a nerve… The January Stepmum Reset Workshop is for you.

If you’re listening and thinking:

• “This is my life.”
• “I’m exhausted from trying to keep the peace.”
• “I love my partner, but the system is breaking me.”
• “I want 2026 to feel different.”

Then the Stepmum Reset Workshop is the space you’ve been craving.The workshop is practical, psychologically grounded, and genuinely transformative. Spaces are limited.
Book at stepmumspace.com 

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Transcript

Katie South: 0:09

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. A quick note before we begin. This episode includes references to miscarriage and domestic violence. Please take care of yourself and listen in a way that feels safe. Today I'm speaking with Jean, not her real name. Her story runs the full circuit of stepfamily reality. A young son, a stepdaughter with additional needs, family court, disrupted contact, transition day meltdowns, and the quiet strain all of that puts on a relationship. It's honest and unsparing. Boundaries, guilt, loyalty binds, and the work of staying connected to your partner when the system is on fire. Parts of Jean's experience touch nerves I wasn't expecting, and I am sure so many of you will hear yourselves in it. Let's dive in. Okay, so I was gonna say morning, but it's your evening, isn't it, Jean? Uh what time is it? 8 30 pm here at the moment.

Jean: 1:32

Oh, and you're over in Australia, whereabouts are you? I'm in South Australia, in Adelaide, just near the coastline. It's getting a bit warmer for us at the moment, thankfully.

Katie South: 1:42

Nice, just while it's getting colder for us, but thank you so much for getting in touch with me. Do you want to tell us a little bit about your situation?

Jean: 1:52

Yeah, absolutely. I met my now husband in 2020 in the peak of COVID. My son would have been about 18 months old at that time. I sort of was a bit weary about meeting people, especially at my age that I was, being concerned about, you know, if they had kids and introducing my son to another kid, let alone another adult and all that kind of thing. But we just clicked amazingly well. We went on our first date, and by that stage I knew he had a daughter, um, and she was five at the time. He described her to me as a bubbly little thing with masses of hair, which she still is. And yeah, then we introduced the kids probably about three months into the relationship, which we both agreed on. Um, initially we said probably six months, but because things were going so well and we both felt it was right, we just kind of went from there.

Katie South: 2:48

And did you introduce each other as partners, or did you kind of say, Oh, here's my friend and here's his kid, or how did that go?

Jean: 2:55

Yeah, so we introduced each other as friends to both the kids. My son sort of didn't really understand because he was a lot younger. But yeah, I was introduced as just daddy's friend to um his daughter. And it was quite funny, really, because we went to a mutual location. We went to somewhere that's called the Big Rocking Horse in South Australia. Um, it's got like a playground and the a petting zoo and things like that. So the kids loved it. We sat down for lunch and then his daughter just started babbling away at me about all manner of things and was just chatting really happily, and then she went off to play with my son on the playground. And he turned to me and said, She never does that with anybody. She must really like you. So it was, yeah, it was pretty adorable. That's so cute. And then what happened from there? Well, then we kind of because at that stage he only had his daughter every second weekend. He would pick her up on a Saturday morning and then um drop her back to her mum on the Sunday evening. So we would only really have that one night together with the kids because I've always had week about with my son since he was quite young. We've got them on the same weekend, thankfully. The kids got along really well. They quickly developed what I would say is a normal sibling relationship. One day they'd hate each other and the next they'd love each other. And it's still the same now, five years later. So it's been interesting though, the dynamic changing, especially as my husband's daughter got a bit older and sort of a bit more independent and that sort of thing. Definitely, and because we've been through the family court process, unfortunately, that sort of threw quite a few spanners in the works along the way. So it's been difficult, but we're good now. What took you to court? Unfortunately, my stepdaughter's mother started withholding her, so she wouldn't allow my husband to see her. And it was just based on nonsense. It was all falsehoods, and we put it down to just bitterness over their breakup. And unfortunately, she chose to take that out in the worst way possible by not allowing my husband to see his daughter. So yeah, he had to actually start the process himself. And we ended up with supervised visitation initially, which was not necessary at all. It was quite stressful for his daughter as well, because she's also ASD. So she tends to struggle with social situations as it is already, and then having that pressure of someone just standing there watching them was yeah, she wasn't herself for uh quite a while. So it was not a fun time for anybody involved. Sounds awful. How old was she when her mum started withholding her? She had just started primary school, so I think she was about five and a half the first time it happened. It's happened a couple of times again since then as well, unfortunately. But thankfully, because my husband started the court process so early on, the other times that it's happened following that, it's been resolved quite quickly, and she's allowed us to have visitation back again. We were in an almost week about arrangement until it went to trial, and then they settled on her being with her mum one extra night per fortnight. So um, we still get nearly half the time with her. We do have 50% of the school holidays, so that's a silver lining as well, I guess.

Katie South: 6:26

Okay. And what did your stepdaughter understand about that process, if anything?

Jean: 6:31

It was quite difficult to ascertain what she did and didn't understand because of the ASD as well. And because unfortunately, from what we gather, her mum has been quite manipulative, for lack of a better term, of her opinion of us. Because there's been quite a lot of times where his daughter will sort of blame us and say that we're the bad guys, and the daughter would go back to her mum and tell her mum that we had done or said things that never happened. So then we would get messages or phone calls and how dare you do this, and blah, blah, blah. And it's just absolutely heinous accusations that you wouldn't think any parent would even dream of. And it's yeah, it was very stressful and taxing. And I don't think my stepdaughter really understood the difference between the truth and a lie at that point, and she still does struggle with that quite a bit, so it's it's tricky.

Katie South: 7:34

Yeah, that must have had a effect on your relationship with your partner.

Jean: 7:39

Oh, absolutely. I mean, with my husband and I, we're rock solid. I wouldn't wish that process on anybody, and I definitely can understand why it breaks families up having to go through the family court process. Thankfully, we managed to keep it together just long enough to get through it. It wasn't easy. We both needed a lot of space some of the time to sort of process things because we both process things differently, like everybody does. I guess the silver lining is we both were dragged through the mud so harshly, and we had so many accusations thrown at us both, not just at him, but we both still stayed true to ourselves and we both still tried to support each other as best we could, even though we were both struggling more than probably we ever have in our whole lives.

Katie South: 8:31

I think the impact it can have on a relationship, like you say, it's sort of make you or break you, but you have to remember you're together on it. Whereas sometimes I think what I see in a lot of couples that I work with is it will almost pull you apart because you'll have one, and you know, it's quite normal for a stepmum to feel quite resentful of her husband or her partner because of the stress that his family sort of bring up on it. And it's and it's not that anyone's being deliberately unkind or anything, but it's just did you ever have the thought of God, my life would be more simple if I hadn't met you?

Jean: 9:06

Um, I mean, yes and no, it's I think a little bit different for me because I already had a child as well. If I didn't have my son, things might have ended differently. But because I had the understanding wherein, unfortunately, my son's father was not the nicest when we were together either. So my husband and I sort of have that mutual understanding of well, if we hadn't gone through that with our exes, then would we still be the same as we are now? And I don't think that would be the case. But yeah, because I had my son as well. I actually had the thought a few times of not, I wish I'd never gotten into this situation, but for me it was more it would be better if I wasn't here because it seems to be all my fault. I was the reason that all of this stuff was happening. So yeah, my stepdaughter's mum blamed me for the situation that we ended up in. And her mum also accused me of quite a lot of things. And for that reason, I said to myself, well, maybe it would be easier if I wasn't here. Like it would be easier for my husband, it would be easier for his daughter if I just wasn't around anymore. But thankfully, through his support and through seeking therapy myself with a professional, I worked through those feelings and I was able to come out the other side and realize, oh, actually, no, this is not my fault at all. It's hard though, right? Yeah, and I know a lot of stepmums actually don't get over that feeling of, well, it's my fault. So if I remove myself, then it'll all be fine, because that's usually not the resolution.

Katie South: 10:52

Yeah, and so many women that I work with or that we have on the show talk about the same thing, you know, oh, I thought it was me, I thought if I should just leave and then everything would be all right. Even if that is the issue and the child doesn't like dad having a partner or the ex doesn't like the man having a partner, it's it's just gonna happen with the next woman. Like it's very rarely about the person. Yeah, absolutely.

Jean: 11:15

A lot of people don't sort of realize that, regardless of whether they do or do not want to stay with this man who has children to another woman, it's not actually gonna change anything whether they stay or leave that person, as in that child's mother is still gonna be behaving the same way, regardless.

Katie South: 11:35

And what about your situation with your ex and your child?

Jean: 11:39

Yeah, so thankfully now we actually get along better than we ever have now that we're separated and co-parenting, and my son's a happy, quirky little kid, and he's quite well-rounded. He still has his moments, and obviously he's had to deal with all the stuff that we've gone through as well. He's unfortunately had to witness my stepdaughter being violent and screaming at me, and she's also been violent to towards him a few times, purely because she just really struggles processing her emotions and expressing her feelings, not just because of the ASD, but also because obviously she's gone through a lot of trauma, so it's very difficult for her. Um, but my ex and I have a very good understanding. We're very transparent with each other, which is complete opposite of what it was when we were together, unfortunately. It was extremely toxic. I suffered several miscarriages and he blamed me, and it was just awful, one of the worst times of my life. And I'm thankful that we do have the relationship that we do now, even though I don't like him and I never will ever again. I'm thankful that he has learned to put our child first. And he actually is really good if my stepdaughter's having a really massive meltdown and my son's, you know, fearing for his safety or anything like that. All I have to do is pick up the phone and call, and he'll come and pick him up straight away. And I'd do the same if he was in that situation too. So it's quite good.

Katie South: 13:10

That's good now. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all your miscarriages and you know that then you had your partner blaming you. That's horrific.

Jean: 13:19

Yeah, it's it wasn't easy, and I've only just sort of come to terms with that as well through therapy. But um, my therapist is amazing. I I just yeah, she's phenomenal. So she's helped me almost as much as my husband has through this whole ordeal.

Katie South: 13:38

That's a lot.

Jean: 13:39

Yeah.

Katie South: 13:41

You talked about the difficulties with your stepdaughter getting across with you and shouting, and I mean that's something that I hear again a lot, but tell tell me a little bit about how that's been for you.

Jean: 13:53

Um, it's been difficult on multiple levels because she tends to not accept responsibility for her own actions, which is not, I mean, it might partially be the ASD, but her mother, my stepdaughter's mother, is also quite that way where she won't accept responsibility and she projects blame onto other people and nothing's ever her fault. So I feel like my stepdaughter has learned that sort of behavior and learned to respond that way whenever she is being disciplined for something. Like the other night, they were playing a video game and one of the controllers stopped working. And my son was saying, Oh, I don't know how to fix it, like it's not connecting. And then my stepdaughter was, oh, just do this and do that. And then they started bickering like they normally do. It's just a sibling thing. And then out of nowhere, she turned to him and just slapped him across the face really hard. And I saw that. So she's slapped him across the face in front of me. And I got irate because she also had our new puppy on her lap. And I was just sore red, and I calmed myself down in the moment and just raised my voice and said, You need to go to your room. That is not okay. So she went to her room and she was crashing and bashing things around in her room, throwing a tantrum. Um, and I was consoling my son, and then it all sort of settled down a bit. And then later on that evening, my son wanted to talk to his dad because he was feeling unsafe. And I was like, Well, that's fine, you can have a video call with your dad. And so we did that. And then she was throwing a tantrum because if he gets to video call his dad, then she wants to video call her mum. And, you know, she's got this very if he gets it, she has to have it mentality. And of course, we're not going to allow her to get what she wants when she's behaved this way. So then she screamed at me. What did she say again? It was something like, I wish you never married my dad, and I wish you were dead, or something like that. And it was just, I knew instantly that that kind of thing is not direct from her, it's more as a mouthpiece from what she's probably heard from her mother. But it still cut just as deep. And I was sitting there a bit like that shouldn't be coming out of a 10-year-old's mouth, regardless of who they're talking to. So it's very conflicting at times to deal with um her screaming things like that at me and at my husband as well, and my son, of course, having to hear that being screamed at his mum is never okay.

Katie South: 16:27

And what happens like after those situations come up?

Jean: 16:31

Well, like I said before, my stepdaughter tends to deflect and not accept responsibility. So when she's had a big outburst like that, she'll often act as though it never happened. Like she'll go to bed and then the next day she'll wake up and she'll just be her normal self again, which is quite conflicting for me as well, because then I'm still processing this whole outburst that she's had at me, and then she's just gone back to it never happened kind of thing. So it's it's hard to navigate that a lot of the time.

Katie South: 17:01

How much of that going to bed and waking up and being normal? How much do you think that is just her as a kid moving on versus it's her not wanting to recall it, relive it, have to talk about it?

Jean: 17:14

I think it's probably more so that she doesn't want to recall and relive, especially because I I mean, I study nursing myself and my mum was a psych nurse for many, many years. So I do have quite a big interest in the human psyche and how we function in um that regard. So knowing what I know in that space, I feel as though she does that as more of a trauma response where she just pretends like it never happens and then she hopes it goes away and that she doesn't have to deal with it anymore, which is obviously not healthy, and we're trying to get her into therapy as well. But court orders obviously are difficult to navigate at the best of times.

Katie South: 17:58

Do you mean her mum doesn't want her to go to therapy?

Jean: 18:01

Her mum has delayed it quite a lot, and we're waiting for a report because we've got her officially diagnosed with ASD, but we're waiting for the report to come out, and her mum refuses to get her any psychological help, even with a counsellor or something like that, until that report is received. So she's just the the poor kid's just stuck there waiting in limbo, and she clearly needs therapy.

Katie South: 18:26

It never fails to amaze me how many stepmums will work with their partners or husbands to try and get therapy for their stepchildren, and mum puts a block on it, and yeah, I don't know, there's like that sense of unfairness that kind of comes from like women really trying to support this kid, and then you can't support the kid, but then also you kind of get that thrown back in your face.

Jean: 18:51

Yep, exactly. It's almost as though these biological mums are all taking from the same playbook because they all do the same things and they all say the same things, and they all have these same behaviors, and you just wonder why, like, why make it so hard, especially for the children? It's just it shouldn't be that hard. Yeah, it's definitely interesting having um a perspective from both sides of that fence because my ex has mentioned that he's recently met someone who might be more serious, and I am very much of the opinion that I can only hope that my son receives the love and care that I give to my stepchild, because you can never have too much love and care for a child as they're growing up. But then there's this other side where I see all these biological mums just raining fire down on their ex purely for getting into a new relationship with this woman who's trying her best and it's just never good enough.

Katie South: 19:55

Yeah. There was a TikTok a little while ago that I did, and people piled in saying to somebody, it wasn't me, it was somebody in the comments, you need to treat the children as your own. And everyone was saying, but you can't, like you can't, as much as you want to treat the children as your own, something will come up like the therapy, and you can't access it. It must be really interesting as well, with your dynamic with your two children, because you and your partner are each bringing one child to the relationship. How have you found navigating that? And has there has there been any tensions around that?

Jean: 20:32

The only thing that we struggle with a little bit is probably just discipline in general, because the children are so different. My husband's daughter is she's very academic, she's very much into engineering and she likes building things, like she loves building Lego and doing puzzles, and she's very much into journaling and writing and things like that. Whereas my son is just the opposite, like he's always outside, he's always riding his bike, he's running around everywhere, he's just ball busting wherever he goes, and it can be difficult to have the same discipline for them both because it doesn't work for them both. So, say, for example, my son's done something that he shouldn't have, it'll be very different to my stepdaughter doing something that she shouldn't have. So, therefore, the discipline is different. And my husband and I have had many conversations around, you know, the fact that they're different children and they're different ages and they understand things differently. And um, my stepdaughter's ASD, whereas my son isn't, and it's very tricky to not allow the kids to play us off against each other because I know kids do that with their parents regardless of the dynamic, they always do, but it's just sort of that that next level when you have two kids who are essentially siblings but they're not actually related, it's very, very tricky.

Katie South: 22:07

Have you ever found yourself getting defensive when your partner's disciplining your child or vice versa?

Jean: 25:30

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, for me, because I feel my son benefits more from the sort of soft parenting approach a lot of the time. And yes, he does need the hard line a lot because he's a boy and they can be very rough and tumble, and he's also very argumentative, which unfortunately he gets from his dad as well. So that can be tricky. So yeah, I feel that he benefits more from, you know, get down to his level, just chat it out with him. And if you use the hard line with him too much, then he just shuts down and he won't actually take in anything that you're saying. Whereas with my stepdaughter, it's almost the opposite, where she always needs the hard line, she needs you to set that boundary, or she just won't understand that it's the wrong thing to be doing. My husband and I have always been open and honest with each other about whatever it is that we're going through in life at that particular time. And we always are willing to have those hard conversations with each other, um, which I know a lot of people probably don't, and then they end up getting resentful. And a lot of people expect their partner to be able to read their mind, but we are very much of the opinion that we are not mind readers. We need to actually, you know, be told this is making me feel this way, or I think you should do this this way, and you know, all that sort of thing. So we're we're pretty good with communication. I think sometimes it just falls down in the heat of the moment where either one or both children are doing something that's really, really, you know, naughty for lack of a better word, and both of us get irate, and it's just we get irate in different ways.

Katie South: 27:12

It's really good that you can recognize that a lot of your son and stepdaughter's clashing is quote unquote normal sibling behavior.

Jean: 27:22

We've decided not to have uh an ours baby as they're called, but I always sort of wonder what it would we've got a puppy instead, my husband said. I've always wondered what it would be like dynamic-wise, because then that baby would be half sibling with both of the children, and how would I feel about if my son was acting a certain way towards their younger sibling versus my stepdaughter? Like I I always sort of go over scenarios in my head and wonder what it would be like.

Katie South: 27:53

Yeah, it's funny. So, so we have all the different dynamics, like as you said, because my me and my husband both had children when we met, and then we've have two together. My son and my husband's daughter, no biological relation at all, they get on so well, always have done. They probably haven't lived together enough that there would be an issue, but they're just always fine. But I think it's interesting to kind of see how those dynamics play out and how, and I never think of the quote unquote half siblings as half siblings, like it's all just brothers and sisters. You mentioned the decision not to try for an hour's baby, yeah.

Jean: 28:33

I mean, I think a lot of it is probably having gone through the family court process. And even though my husband and I are rock solid and we don't believe that would ever happen, it's always the what if we did split up? What would that do not only to our kids that we already have, but what would that do to another child? And over the last five years since we met, I've gone through all the different scenarios in my head as to you know how an ours baby would affect the dynamic. And then I think the main one for me has been I think I would feel quite guilty having an ours baby, knowing that the other two might feel as though they're kind of missing out on time with us when we have the ours baby 24-7 and we only have the other kids half the time, kind of thing. I think that guilt would play on my mind regardless of whether it affected them or not. It would still be something I would have to grapple with. So, yeah, that's the main big one for me. And also it's more of a logistical thing as well, because two kids is always logistically easier to manage with schools and holidays and getting looked after and that kind of thing. Whereas three, I know a few friends who have more than two kids, and seeing them struggle with it is something that sort of cemented it for me as well. It's like, well, we've got one of each already, so I'm comfortable not having any more. Yeah, the world is built for families of four for sure.

Katie South: 30:13

Yeah. It's so funny that you mention about being worried about the impact on your stepdaughter and son, because me and my husband, we talked quite a lot about having children together and the impact that that would have on the children and what it might mean, how they might feel, all of that sort of stuff. And we did consider the the future of the potential child that we might have if we were lucky enough. But things have come up that I maybe naively, but I hadn't expected. So, like the kids, and we're very lucky, they adore their older siblings, that they just think the world of them. So seeing them miss their older siblings is really hard, which I hadn't really thought about. And we definitely had. I know, right? I think it was like probably due to me saying, No, you can't play on the iPad or something. I don't know. Yeah, of course.

Jean: 31:25

It's definitely something to contend with. I think the age that my husband and I are at as well. If I was younger, then the whole house baby thing might be more of a consideration. But he also owns and operates his own business, two businesses now. And I'm studying full-time, so an ours baby probably would just add a whole load of stress that we just don't need. The business dynamic as well with being a stepmum, it does often mean that I have to do a lot more than maybe a lot of stepmums have to, um, in the way of school drop-offs and making sure lunches are done and washing and cleaning and cooking and all that kind of thing. I feel as though I probably do more than a stepmum who doesn't have her own child from a previous relationship.

Katie South: 32:16

Yeah, I think it's all it's it's so nuanced, isn't it, in families? Because sometimes the parents decide very much, well, you do your stuff for your kid, I'll do my stuff for my kid, or you know, the woman does, and it is often the woman, does the majority of things. And then, you know, I work with quite a few child-free by choice stepmums in coaching who will feel sort of really guilty about the things that they don't really want to do either with their stepkids or for their stepkids, but they're like, I really like them, I welcome them into my life. I'm really happy when I'm cooking a meal to cook a meal for all of us and sit down and I enjoy it, but I'm not gonna like iron their school uniform because they've got a dad who can do that.

Jean: 32:55

Yeah, exactly. It's already kind of inbuilt into me having my own child. I'm just like, oh, it's just another child to do all the stuff that I already do for.

Katie South: 33:03

So you talked earlier about how it has been difficult with your stepdaughter. How have you emotionally managed to come over that and still have a really good connection with her?

Jean: 33:16

Um, I think a lot of it is I mean, I'm very empathetic by nature, I feel um that obviously plays a huge role in it. And I guess because she's almost a carbon copy of her dad in a lot of ways. So I already know how to address a lot of the things that she does outside of the outbursts and things like that, just her as a person and her personality and her quirks and things. Um, she's very much similar to her dad in a lot of ways. So I think having that insight has made it a lot easier to connect with her as well. And I think a lot of the time, especially from what I've seen and people I've spoken to in the stepmum space, a lot of the time stepmums who don't have their own biological child for whatever reason, they tend to almost treat their stepchild as just another adult. And so they address them that way and they don't ask them how they're feeling or what they want. They sort of just exist in that space and expect the child to be on their level emotionally when they're not, which I feel is for me, it's beneficial knowing that it's very important to get down to their level and to try and use language that they understand and to make sure that they know that you're a safe space and that you're always open and you're always there for them, regardless of what's happening in anybody's life in the family.

Katie South: 34:54

I think you're right. I think sometimes a lot of the child free by choice stepmums who I work with will either work with children, a lot of them work with children, so they're very good with children, or have nieces, nephews, whatever. But sometimes they have I have met step mums in that situation who are like, I didn't really want children in my life that much. And it can be a massive, a massive challenge. And then if you partner that up with a maybe a a dad who isn't the most emotionally intelligent, you can sort of see why things go wrong. You talked about your stepdaughter making things up about you to her mum. Again, something which we hear a lot. The sort of professional opinion is they say what they think mum wants to hear. I agree with that. How has what your stepdaughter's been saying about you, even knowing it's not true, how has that impacted you and your feelings towards her?

Jean: 35:49

It can in the moment, like when she says something that sort of shocks me or that I know is sort of her trying to hurt me in a way or trying to get a reaction from me, in the moment, I guess it sort of makes me quite angry, not angry at her, but just angry that she's been put in such a position that she could say something so horrible to me. But then after it's cooled down, I always bring myself back to remembering that she's only a child. She's only 10. So she doesn't actually have the ability to grasp that what she's saying is so horrible and so finite, especially when she says things like, you know, she wishes I was dead and that kind of stuff. I truly believe that she doesn't actually know how finite that is. The one thing that I always come back to is just reminding myself she's only a child and she's part of my husband as much as she is part of her mum. I always remember that. And yeah, it's always coming back to not blaming the child as well and making sure that they know that you don't blame them for saying those kinds of things and making sure that they know that it's it's okay to tell us how you feel after you've had a meltdown. And then usually we'll have a chat and she'll she'll actually say how she really feels instead of the heinous things after the fact as well, which has been helpful in dealing with some of the things that she's said over the years.

Katie South: 37:15

How do transition days affect you guys? Because it sounds like there's meltdowns and then there's even keel periods.

Jean: 37:21

The first two, maybe three years transitions where um my stepdaughter's mum would drop her off to my husband directly in person, and then we would have to drop my stepdaughter back to her mum in person at the end of the weekend. My stepdaughter would be very clingy to her mum and very sort of, no, I don't want to go. But then it sort of escalated from there, and we managed to get it in court orders that we would do any possible handovers we could or transition days via the school or via out-of-hours care. So then there's no personal contact, it's not stressful for the child. And then we went through the withholding and all that, and then came out the other side. But then after that, we noticed a big change in my stepdaughter's behavior. And on transition days, regardless of the fact that her mum wasn't present, she would just fly off the handle, she would scream, she would kick, she would refuse to come with either of us, she would get extremely violent, just scream, and we had to actually wait until all the other kids were out of the school before we would try to pick her up sometimes because it would be that extreme. And then it got closer and closer to trial. She sort of started to calm down a bit and we were a bit perplexed as to why. And then it went back to normal and she would transition over to us without any issues, and she'd go, Oh, hi, and nice to see you. And then she'd come with us with no issues, and we were a bit sort of that's very odd. Like, why has this change happened now? Um, and it came to light leading up to the trial that unfortunately uh my stepdaughter's mother was victim to a domestic abuse attack from the man that she was living with at the time. And my stepdaughter, we believe, had witnessed that. So she had this extreme trauma response where she just didn't want to leave her mum and she was just really concerned that her mum was going to be harmed. And I think because of the trauma bond she has with her mum, it just elicited this extreme response where she just wanted to be just with her 24-7. And even on weeks where my stepdaughter wasn't with us, she would still have these kinds of meltdowns at school, and her mum would have to go and pick her up and take her home. And she missed a lot of days of school, unfortunately, as well. Once her mum moved out of that situation, then that's when she obviously started to calm down and the transitions got easier again. So lately it's been good, thankfully.

Katie South: 39:54

It's so interesting, isn't it? Because the impact of what mum is like in her home environment can have such an impact on what your home life ends up being.

Jean: 40:03

Frustrating is probably not the right word, but it's very concerning and it just yeah, it makes you not only concerned but angry that she's had to witness something like that when she's been with her mum.

Katie South: 40:17

And you can't control mum's living environment or mum's, you know, who she has in her home, what she does in it. It's good that her mum's obviously moved out of that relationship, but hard for you to then not have the certainty or even the kind of trust in who might be in your stepdaughter's life next.

Jean: 40:36

Yeah, absolutely. My husband struggles with that quite a bit. Also because um my stepdaughter's mum shares a child with this person as well. So my stepdaughter has a younger sibling who I think he's about four now. We managed to create an order where my stepdaughter's not allowed to be left in the sole care of this person, which is good. But like you said, we can't control who she lives with or interacts with, and it's it's definitely a big concern.

Katie South: 41:03

So if you went back to your time right at the beginning, what do you think you would say to yourself?

Jean: 41:11

I would be brutally honest, and I would say this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever been through in your life, and it's going to nearly break you. But just stick with it because in the end it will be worth it, and you and your husband will be far happier and far more settled.

Katie South: 41:33

I mean, it's amazing. And apart from the obviously the court order and the mum moving away from her abusive relationship, what else do you think has helped your stepdaughter in feeling more comfortable and happy with you guys?

Jean: 41:46

I think for us, and it's been something since the word go, it's just been consistency with us keeping consistent, showing her, you know, that we don't hide our affection for each other, as in my husband and I. We just display what a normal, happy, loving relationship should look like for both kids. Um, and there's often times we're like, oh Gross, stop doing that, get a room. And we're like teasing them with it.

Katie South: 42:11

So we have that. I sometimes my son will come in, my little son, and he'll be like, uh you two. Oh gross, why do you want to do that for? He'll come in and like if we're just having a hug in the kitchen or whatever, he'll come in, he'll be like, family hug, and then they all come over, and you know, you're like in this massive hug, just thinking, oh my goodness, like everything is okay in the world.

Jean: 42:36

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I think consistency is the main thing um in our household and positivity and just reminding not only my stepdaughter, but my son as well that you know you're always safe here, you always can come to us for anything. And I think that's definitely helped to support uh my stepdaughter's relationship with us and for her to feel safe and happy when she's with us too.

Katie South: 43:01

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for sharing your journey and everything. It's been really nice to talk to you, and I'm sure people have taken a lot from your story.

Jean: 43:12

Well, I hope if it just you know puts a smile on someone's face, then that's satisfying for me, and thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure talking to you too.

Katie South: 43:24

Thank you so much for listening, and a huge thank you to Jean for her honesty and generosity in sharing her story. Conversations like this remind us that stepfamily life is never just one thing. It's grief and love, pressure and joy, trauma responses and tiny wins all happening at the same time. If you're listening to this and thinking, I feel so seen but also completely overwhelmed, please know you don't have to navigate this alone. The Stepmum Reset Workshop is back in January, and it's the perfect space if you're wanting to feel more in control of your life, as well as having clearer boundaries, more emotional stability, less resentment, and a plan for how you want to show up in 2026. It's a genuinely transformational session run live on Zoom with me and a small group of like-minded women. If you want to start next year feeling steadier, more grounded, and more in control of your family life, you can grab your space now. The link is in the show notes or you can book at stepmumspace.com. As always, thank you for being here. Your experiences matter, your feelings make sense, and you deserve support as much as anyone else in your family system. See you next week.