Episode 61: Parallel Parenting With a High-Conflict Ex: What Really Makes a Stepfamily Work

If you’re juggling a high-conflict ex, 50/50 schedules or loyalty binds, this one’s for you. Katie talks to Lauren, a Scottish stepmum who reconnected with her high-school love—now a dad of three with two exes—and built a calm, child-centred blended family through clear boundaries, parallel parenting and a truly united couple stance.

 We cover: meeting kids at their pace, handling retaliation without taking the bait (haircuts, earrings & house rules), why a written agreement beats a verbal one, transitions in a 50/50 schedule, and keeping sibling connections strong across big age gaps. Lauren also shares choosing not to have biological children—and still feeling like a whole family.

 Next steps: 1:1 coaching, the January Stepmum Reset Workshop, and downloadable tools at stepmumspace.com.

Timestamps:
00:03 Intro & themes
02:10 How the blended family began
07:40 Meeting each child at their pace
10:22 “You’re the boss of your own hair” (child agency)
16:18 Retaliation & staying out of the drama
20:18 What supportive partners actually do
25:53 Mediation + written agreement (game-changer)
31:18 Transitions without loyalty binds
32:47 Sibling dynamics (18/18/7)
35:44 Choosing not to have bio kids
37:45 Advice for struggling stepmums

Keywords: stepmum support, blended family, parallel parenting, high-conflict ex, custody agreement, 50/50 schedule, stepmum boundaries, mediation, withheld access, stepfamily transitions

Links/CTA:
• Book a free intro for 1:1 coaching • Join the January Stepmum Reset Workshop • Download tools for tricky moments → stepmumspace.com
Socials: @stepmumspace

Transcript

Katie South: 0:02

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. If you've ever wondered whether your stepfamily can feel calm, connected, and actually happy, today's guest will give you hope. Lauren's story began with a high school romance, and then 20 years later, her and her partner found their way back to each other. Only this time he had two exes and three children. In this conversation, we get practical about what really makes a stepfamily work. A partner who backs you consistently, parallel parenting with clear boundaries, choosing the child's well-being over point scoring, and why a written agreement can save your sanity when verbal arrangements wobble. We talk about exes, how to navigate retaliation without taking the bait, managing transitions in a 50-50 schedule and the sibling dynamics of two 18-year-old brothers and a much younger sister. Lauren also shares why she chose not to have biological children and how that choice sits alongside her deep love for her stepkids and a partnership that treats her as an equal parent. I hope you enjoy this episode. Hi Lauren, how are you doing? I'm good, thank you. How are you, Katie? Yeah, I'm good. It's getting chilly now, isn't it?

Lauren: 1:33

It is very frosty outside today. Very cold. I'm up in Scotland, so yeah, we're used to the cold up here. So we've had a bit of snow and um the temperature definitely dropped over the last week or so. It's definitely into the winter months now.

Katie South: 1:46

Hopefully you're nice and warm for our chat this morning. Got the heat and cranked right up. So look, when I got your voice note explaining your situation, I was listening and then I was kind of like, right, I need to grab a pen and paper because your family is a little bit more complicated than some of the families that we hear about on the show. So do you want to take us back to the beginning and talk us through how it all started?

Lauren: 2:10

Yeah, as you say, like um we are very much a blended family, despite the fact I don't have actually have any biological children of my own. My husband and I actually met back in high school and we dated very serious relationship when we were 13 um for about three or four weeks or whatever. So we've known each other for a long, long time, and then we kind of just kind of went off our separate ways. Um, and then about five years ago we we got back in touch. So it was actually Hugmoney, New Year's Eve, we call it Hugmoney up in Scotland, and it was during COVID, so all the pubs were shut and no one could go anywhere. Everyone was kind of posting last year's New Year's Eve versus this year's New Year's Eve. So I'd posted a picture in my kind of Udi on the couch with a gin and tonic, and my husband had then just he messaged me out of the blue. We just kind of started getting just chatting and things, and it just kind of kicked off from there. He was on his own, he didn't have the kids, so he was on his own, um, just playing his computer with his friends. I was on my own. So I invited him around to mine for a drink, and we just ended up talking. It was as if we hadn't had that kind of 20 years of not seeing each other. We just kind of caught up and it just kind of kicked off from there. And I think at the start I thought, God, this guy's got three kids, like this is a lot. He just broke up from his ex about six months and they'd been together for 12 years, so I thought he's not gonna want anything serious. But before we knew it, we were kind of talking about moving in together and getting married. We just kind of felt for each other really quickly.

Katie South: 3:41

That's so romantic, isn't it? Like generally, when 13-year-old girls say, I've met the love of my life, the man I'm gonna marry, you know, everyone kind of thinks, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. But y you had, you just needed that, or maybe you didn't, but you had that bit of space. So you said that he had three kids in between, obviously, when you guys had last seen each other and and been a couple.

Lauren: 4:04

So he has one son who he had with an ex-partner, and then when he met his last ex, that little boy was about one, and she had a two-year-old. The two-year-old kind of stopped seeing his own dad when he was about three, so my husband kind of took him on as his own and raised him alongside his other son. I mean, he calls him dad, he's as very much his son as his biological son. Um, he doesn't see them any differently. And then um my husband and his ex they had um a little girl together as well. So the two boys are both 18, so they're only 10 months apart, and my little stepdaughter, she's seven.

Katie South: 4:40

And so now two 18-year-olds and a seven-year-old, when you got first got together, or when I should say, when you first reconnected with your husband, how old were the children?

Lauren: 4:49

When I reconnected with them, they were both 13. The two boys were 13 and a little girl was two, so two teenage boys and a toddler. You must have really liked him. I must have really liked him, yeah. He was something special. I've learned a lot, but I would say now everything's kind of pretty settled or as settled as it's gonna be. There's been some crazy moments to get to where we are just now, but yeah, everything's great, honestly. I can't really complain. I feel like I'm one of those kind of lucky stepmoms that actually really enjoys the role, and I've I've got the most amazing husband who's just really supportive, and that's been kind of key to our story is the support from my husband and how we've kind of just worked as a team and the outside influences you can't always control, but we've just kind of faced everything together and stuck together, and I think that's been the key to our kind of happy, blended family.

Katie South: 5:45

I mean, that's so important, isn't it? And I hear from so many women who are stuck really because their husbands are either burying their head in the sands about everything that's going on, or they're just so desperate to appease an ex because they're worried about losing contact with their children. So when you guys first got together, there were obviously two 13-year-old sons and a two-year-old daughter and two exes in the picture.

Lauren: 6:10

His first ex that he had, I've actually never met her. I've never heard from her. When we got together and we did we it was kind of starting to get serious, and he's wanted to introduce me to the children. He'd obviously spoken to both of his exes and kind of let them know, like give them a heads up that he was seeing someone and it it was at the stage where he wanted me to meet the children. Um when he spoke to his first ex, her attitude was pretty much, look, he's he's 13, I've got no concerns. Unless he comes back and says that she's hitting him with a stick, then whatever kind of thing. She was pretty chill about it. The other ex not so much. She threw a bit of a tantrum, she messaged me on social media telling me that they were trying to get back together, he'd been leading her on, and so yeah, she didn't take it well at all. So that was difficult, and I think she had been telling her son or kind of making out to the son that that mum and dad were going to get back together, which obviously made then telling that son that there was things a bit more difficult because he was then under the impression that they were gonna get back together, so that kind of added that complexity. Yeah, she wasn't very happy at all about it, but my husband pretty much said, Well, it's my choice to kind of introduce her.

Katie South: 7:30

So And when you talk about the children, presumably son number one, because his mum was kind of chill about it, things were okay with him.

Lauren: 7:40

Yeah, so he'd spoken to the children. Obviously, his daughter was only two, so she didn't know what was going on. But he'd spoken to the two boys about it and had said, like, I've I've met someone and I really like her and I really want used to meet. And yeah, the first son, he was really eager to meet me. My husband had kind of given the kids the their own timeline. He says, like, I'm not going to rush you into meeting her, it's up to you when you want to meet her, there's no rush, just whenever you're comfortable. The son he has with his first sex, he was keen to meet me, he had no issues or anything. So I met all the children kind of separately because he'd let them pick their own timelines. So yeah, I met the first son separately. It was fine. We just went round to I went round to his place and we ordered pizza and put a film on. And yeah, as chill as it can be with an awkward 13-year-old, but it went absolutely fine. Um, and I'm sure he then swapped notes with his brother and things. And a few weeks later I then I then met his brother. But my husband had kind of had to do a bit of reassurance with him and saying, Look, me and your mum aren't getting back together, and after he was kind of aware that that wasn't going to be happening, he was kind of more open to it. And to be honest, I've never really had any negativity from the kids. I've always been pretty open and kind of friendly and things with me. I was also very cautious of not, you know, coming on too strong and there were 13-year-old boys. I didn't want to come in and say, Oh, I'm your new mum, I'm going to start doing this and I'm going to do this. I kind of left all the parents into my husband and I was just there and present. And yeah, so I was very cautious of their age and how things would go with that. But it wasn't it wasn't too bad. Um she was obviously kind of kicking off in the background, but things with the children went really smoothly. Then I met his daughter as well separately. She was she just took to me like I was her best friend straight away, and she wanted to brush my hair, and any time we w daddy wanted to leave or they were going out, she was bringing my shoes and making sure I was coming with. So we've just always been best friends since the start. So she's heavy dream.

Katie South: 9:39

That's so cute. But it was her mum who was the tricky one. Yeah. Nothing of that filtered down to the daughter.

Lauren: 9:45

I mean, at the time she was two, so I don't know how much she would have taken in. I know over the years there's been things said and the stepdaughter said, like, my mummy said this and my mummy said that. So there has been things, and I know that we've been spoken about and and things, but it doesn't seem to have affected the relationship that the the children have with me and their dad.

Katie South: 10:05

So I guess when she's two, you know, she's in that age where she's just absorbing everything, and she will probably take things quite at face value. So if you seem nice, which you know, obviously you are, then um but she's just gonna take that as it is.

Lauren: 10:22

We were at uh my stepdaughter had a kind of dancing show thing. She would have been three at the time, and me and her dad had gone, and our mum was there as well. Probably the first time we'd been in the same room as her, but we just kind of avoided her. And my stepson had overheard her saying something to my stepdaughter about, Oh, I wouldn't want to go and see your dad either or something. So and the the boys are obviously a bit older and they've said like she talks about you sometimes, so we've kind of heard bits and bobs, and then there's been times when I'm I'm quite good with hair, and I used to like braid my stepdaughter's hair, and her hair was always fancy for going to school and nursery and things. And then one day she said, My my mum says that you're not allowed to braid my hair anymore. And I said, Do you want me to stop braiding your hair? I'll stop braiding your hair if you don't want me to do it. And she says, No, I I want to have I want you to braid my hair. And I said, Okay, I says, Well, in mummy's house, mummy makes the rules. So if mummy doesn't want your hair braided in her house, then that's up to her to make that rule, that's fine. And I said, in daddy's house, me and Daddy make the rules. I says, and the rule in Daddy's house is that you are the boss of your own hair. So if you want to have your hair braided, then you can have your hair braided, is that okay? And she was like really happy about it. And there have just been other little things as well. That's it's like she's not doing it. I think she's kind of trying to do it slyly, so it's not really obvious. Yeah, it's just like little bits and things, but to say, like, thankfully, it doesn't seem to have affected her relationship with us. We've got a really strong bond, so it's not really affected that, thankfully.

Katie South: 11:53

I love the idea of you're the boss of your own hair. That's a really smart way of doing it without putting her mum back into the middle of it. That's backfired a few times.

Lauren: 12:02

Different colours. She had hair down to the bottom of her back, and I had just got my hair cut into a bob, and she decided that she wanted a bob as well. She was five at the time, she wanted a bob as well. And I was saying, Oh, it's a big change, and you'll not be able to do all your braids once your hair's short. And she just kept on and on and on for about four, but I'm the boss of my own hair. And I was like, Oh, there it goes, it's coming to back to bite me.

Katie South: 12:28

Oh, those things that, like, we say and we think, Yes, I've nailed this, and then it comes back.

Lauren: 12:34

Yeah, but she went on long enough, and we went swimming, and the hair was getting everywhere, and she's like, If I had my hair short, I would this hair wouldn't be getting in my face. We eventually she was she kind of spoke about it for about four months, and my husband and I had said, She's quite strong-willed, and this is what she wants, and it is her hair, and it is only hair and it'll grow back. We'll just take it and we'll get our our hair cut. And we took her to the hairdressers, and she'd been going to the same hairdresser for for a while, so she was really familiar with this girl, and she loved this hairdresser, and she kind of cut it in stages so she could see, and it wasn't just all coming off at the one time, and she just kept saying shorter, shorter. And my only stipulation was that it was it could be tied back into um a hair tie so that for dancing and gymnastics and things, so yeah, she got her little bob and she was absolutely delighted with it. So was mum on board with that? Absolutely not, absolutely not. My stepson said she threw a full tantrum about it, was crying about it, that she was too young to make such a big hair decision. She wasn't happy about that at all.

Katie South: 13:36

And did mum not because I often see things, social media groups and what have you, with issues like this which become really big? And I think on the surface level they can look about power and control, but actually when you strip it back, it's about kind of connection and who's involved in the decisions and those big moments between a parent and a child. Had your stepdaughter been chatting to her mum about wanting a bob, or was this like a sudden thing?

Lauren: 14:06

No, she had, so we had always been the one to take her to get a haircut, our mum had never taken her. So we were in that routine of kind of taking her to get trims and things, and she knew her hair better and things like that. And she when she mentioned the bob, I did say to my my husband, like, as much as because a lot of people say, Oh, you should have asked her mum, and it's like, well, he's as much her parent as what she is. Would she ask him if she was going to take him for a haircut? Probably not. And we have 50-50, so they are very much equal parents. I said it's it's a big change, though I says, Maybe just run it past her. So he he kind of says, Look, she's been asking for this haircut for a while. And her mum says, Yeah, I know she's been mentioning it to me as well. So she was aware. And her mum had says, Look, I just I'm not happy about it. But she says, I'm going to take her to a hairdresser next month, so I'll discuss it then. So we thought, okay, maybe not this time, but we'll see if our mum then takes her. And of course, her mum didn't take her. We knew that wasn't going to happen anyway. So we left it like another couple of months, and our mum still hadn't taken her, and she was still asking about it. And we just we just took it and got it done, and we knew there was going to be a bit of backlash from it. But we had kind of put that rule in place that it's it's her hair. And I think for kids, we we dictate so much of our their lives. You tell them where they need to be, what time they have to get up at, when their bedtime is, what they're having to eat. We dictate everything they kind of do and we control a lot of their life. And I think something like their hair, they should have a say in what they things like their clothes as well, they should have a say in what they want to wear and their hair as well. I think they should be allowed to decide how they look. And I don't think Fi's too young at all. She had her own style. Like we couldn't we used to go for a hot chocolate and she'd come down in like a our flower girl dress and a tiara and things. Like she definitely had her own little styles. And I think if she had said it and then the next week we went and got it done, then that would be different. But she'd been saying it for four months, she was she knew what she wanted, and she was absolutely delighted with her hair, so and she just suited it so much. So yeah, it was a difficult one because it's obviously, as you see, sometimes you're kind of trying to not appease the ex but just keep that side sweet. But then you have to balance that out with the child's happiness and their rights as well.

Katie South: 16:18

Yeah, and I think in that situation, it wasn't like one day child went to yours on a Friday night and you returned her on a Sunday with a bob. It's funny that you talk about a bob. So my daughter is now seven, and when she was about five, she wanted a bob, and she actually wanted there's a specific teacher at her school that she really liked, and she used to talk about how she wanted her hair cut, like this teacher. And I was like, Well, it's really, really short, and she said, No, I really like it, I really like it. And I was thinking, Because for me it was quite unusual, I'd never known a little girl want that short hair. She was at the hairdresser getting her haircut, she was telling the hairdresser what she wanted, and I was saying, I don't think so, because she won't be able to put it up. And the hairdresser just went, Well, if you cut it like you know, this length, then she will be able to put it up. And I was like, Okay, yeah, let's go for it then. Like, that's what she wants. I I agree with you. Children should have some agency over how they look, it makes no difference to my life. But just as we were talking, then I was thinking, it never occurred to me to contact my husband, her dad, to say, Do you mind if I make this decision for our child? But when you're in a separated household, you're always so worried about rocking the boat, aren't you? We have a similar thing with my stepdaughter. She hadn't got her ears pierced, and she was talking about wanting them pierced. And she was like a young teenager at this point, maybe 13. And my husband said, Oh, well, I'll take you to get them pierced. And I was like, Well, I think you should check with her mum, I think you should check with her mum. And he was like, It's the same as yours. He said, But why? Like, it's my daughter as well. And I was like, Oh, I don't know, I just think that could be a big thing. So we didn't, and um she did eventually get them pierced, but it's it's it's weird, isn't it? The things that you try and do to placate the relationship with the ex, but then actually maybe you're not listening to the child.

Lauren: 19:18

Yeah, to be honest, I've as I say, I'm quite lucky in that I don't I don't have a lot of the same issues because I'm I've listened to other kind of like listen to your podcasts, I'm on like different stepmum groups on social media, and I see so often like these men that have got dad guilt or they're trying to appease the ex and they put the ex's feelings above their children or their current partner. I've never had that problem with my husband at all. I think he's very kind of confident in his dad's role and he doesn't get the same kind of dad guilt, and he's also very I don't know how to say it, but yeah, he doesn't feel like he needs permission from his ex to to be a dad and to do the same things that she would be allowed to do. But it's funny that you brought up the earrings thing because my stepdaughter had actually around the same time had asked for her ears pierced as well, and the ex had asked my husband what he thought, and he says, Look, I think she's a bit too young, she's only five, she's still going to soft plays, she does gymnastics. I just think she's a bit too young and she's clumsy and she's not old enough to look after them. But a few days after she went home with her Bob haircut, we got a photo or a video call from the ex and my stepdaughter had got her ears done. So that was kind of done a bit in retaliation, I think. Which again is something we kind of have to worry about because she is that kind of person that will retaliate. And as as much as my husband doesn't do things to kind of appease her, we do sometimes have to tread really carefully if we're asking for something or doing something, because she will do things out of spite or retaliate, or it's everything's a kind of point scoring. So we do kind of have to be careful in that sense. But yeah, in general, we just we do parallel parenting and we do just kind of do our own thing, but there is always that element. Of what she might do in retaliation.

Katie South: 21:11

So to hear that you've got an amazingly supportive partner is incredible. And you know, it's always sad to hear how many people don't. What things has your partner done that have really, really made your life easier?

Lauren: 21:25

I feel like he's always made sure that I was a priority as as well as the kids. Like the kids are his world and he would do anything for his children, but I feel like he he's like that with me as well. Like I've never been made to feel like I'm on the side or I'm not part of the family or I come after the children. Um he's always been very good at making me a priority. He discusses everything with me. He he basically treats me as if I am their biological parent. He treats me equally. If he's making any kind of big parenting decisions, he'll discuss it with me. If the ex asks for a schedule change, he discusses it with me before he goes back to her. And if we've got plans in place and she's asking to have the the kids extra, where a lot of partners will say, Well, I need to take my kids, it's for my kids, so the kids come first. He's not like that. He'll say, Oh no, we've got plans, like I'm not cancelling plans with you to to to take the children because she's got plans. Um, so he's he's been very good at kind of just nurturing our relationship and making sure that that's solid. And he he's a fantastic dad as well. So he does mat it is it is possible to do both of them.

Katie South: 22:30

And what sort of relationship does he have with his exes now?

Lauren: 22:34

I mean, with the ex two, his son and daughter, there's no relationship there at all. We keep our distance. We've been through a lot with her, we've had false accusations, he's had false accusations made to his workplace. I've had the council environmental health at my door because of false accusations. Um, we've had lawyers' letters, she's stopped access. Just been really difficult over the years. So we have no relationship at all. The only communication between them is on a Sunday on transition day just to confirm pickup time, but nothing else is discussed, we just keep her distance. And with his other ex, there's no kind of bad blood or anything between them. They just don't really like his son's at that age now where she doesn't really need to be involved. He contacts him directly. There's nothing major that he kind of has to discuss with her, but they've always got along. As I say, I've never met her, but it's not kind of for any negative reasons, it's just that there's never really been the need and kind of what I hear about her. She's a nice person, so completely different. When people say you've got two kind of biological mums to deal with, it's always like, oh my god, but it doesn't feel like that, it just feels like we've got the kind of one. It's been difficult. I've say it's probably settled down kind of maybe the last couple of years. She got a new partner, and I think things kind of settled a lot more since she got a new partner, and we've just got settled into a routine. I think with my stepdaughter being a bit older, she's seven now, it's a bit easier. Like she can communicate a lot of things and tell us things, and there's not that need to involve her mum as much anything to do with doctors or the the school or anything, we just deal with directly. Even like transitions, like we'll kind of stand behind the door and just let my stepdaughter go in and out so we kinda don't need to to see her mum, we just kind of keep her distance as much as possible. And I don't have any contact at all. I've always had her blocked. But yeah, my husband just keeps everything to a minimum. He's I think over time she's just realised that she's not gonna kinda get in anywhere with with things, but there is kind of always that anytime we've got holiday books or any time we kind of do have to negotiate times or swap times, there's always that worry that it's not gonna be as smooth and easy as as it should be. But there's not been too many dramas. I say over the like the last kind of year or so it's it's definitely calmed down. The first few years were definitely more difficult. I used to get kind of really wound up at a lot of the things that that she did. We didn't think that she was taking particularly good care of her stepdaughter and things, and my husband had tried to address things with her, and it was just always denied, and it was always, well, she says that you're doing this to her, and we just kind of never really got anywhere with her. And I think kind of over the years we just realised, you know, there's no point in raising these things. Like we're over here worrying about things and it's only making us worry, it's not actually having any impact on things. So yeah, we just kind of had to let things go a little bit, and maybe she wasn't doing things the way that we would like them done, but as long as you know my stepdaughter was safe, then that was the kind of the more important thing. But I see the most difficult thing, we just moved into our new house less than a week, and we were due to pick my stepdaughter up on the Sunday, and he got a text from his ex on the Saturday basically to say that she was maintaining custody of her and he wasn't to have access until he signed an agreement. They didn't have a court order or anything, they just kind of had a verbal agreement that it would be week on, week off, and that had been going fine for about a year, and then she had asked for some changes to be made, and he didn't agree with the changes, so this was then the result. He got this message to say that she was going to maintain access until he agreed to her changes and signed uh an agreement, which obviously he wasn't happy to do, he didn't want to sign anything under duress, but it was difficult because I could see that he obviously wanted to to see his daughter, but he understood if he signed anything that could potentially be him signed up to to a kind of schedule that he wasn't happy with. And it wasn't just that he wasn't happy with, he didn't think it was in the best interest of his daughter. That lasted about eight weeks. We had to go through lawyers, we got let down with a few lawyers taking like a week and a half to send a letter and then send the wrong information. We weren't really getting anywhere with it, and then we kind of arranged mediation and they had to attend mediation and they managed to kind of come to an agreement that they were were both happy with and that was signed and notarised. So we've been working from that. They've had that agreement in place. It's made things a bit easier because if there's any kind of arguments over who should have my stepdaughter on her birthday or where like who should have what or whatever, they've got that bit of paper they can refer back to and it's it's made things a bit easier. It's not stopped everything completely, but kind of having that in black and white has has made things a lot easier.

Katie South: 27:19

Yeah, it's always that question of when you when you've got a private arrangement, it feels much more amicable, but it only works if both people are aiming to be amicable.

Lauren: 27:30

Exactly. And I see a lot of people in like the stepmum groups that I'm in and they've just got this verbal agreement. And if you've got someone who, as you say, that if if it's not an amicable relationship, it rarely works because it's only a matter of time before someone doesn't get what they want, and then it's you're not seeing your child, and you don't really have anything to fall back on. And I think it's always better to have something written and signed off. It doesn't always have to go to court. I mean, we managed to skip court and having that signed agreement was enough. The mediator did say like if it ever did go to court and we had kind of gone either party had gone against the the agreement because they had that agreement in place, it would make court a lot easier to settle and things. So there was that threat of court action without actually having to go through the the process of getting a court order.

Katie South: 28:18

It's frightening the amount of people and it and it usually is women, I hate to say it, but it is who withhold children. I can't imagine for your child's sake withholding your child. My son loves his dad. If I withheld my son from his dad, I would just be hurting my son.

Lauren: 28:40

Exactly. And my husband's he was the one when my stepdaughter was a baby. He did all the baths and he did all the um put he put her to bed, he did the full routine. He struggled a lot more, I think, than his ex did with the the separation. It was actually her that had come up with the the week on, week off, and he really struggled with that because he'd been used to putting his daughter to bed and bathing her every single night and then to have that taken away. But I think a lot of the time it's the mum that that does that, it's the mum that that does the kind of bedtime routine and then they struggle. But yeah, for my husband, he was the he was the one that kind of did a lot of the routine and he found it really difficult where he didn't have that that kind of when he didn't see her for for a week. He would never have stopped when he said that. He said like even if he didn't agree with a lot of the things his ex was doing, like she needs her mum as much as she needs her dad, and he would never stop access and unless it was I mean, there's been a few times where we've kind of questioned whether we should go to court for full custody because there was some worrying things going on at our mum's, and it's something we've kind of always kept an eye on, but we understand that she she has as much right to see her mum as she has to see her dad, and unless it was like a really critical situation, like we would never stop that. So it was really frustrating and upsetting when she did that to my husband.

Katie South: 29:58

And there's always there's the mums who do that that kind of really avert, and then there's the parents, and again, it can be mums, it can be dads who do the oh, it doesn't sound very nice at the other house. Oh, you you know, oh they don't do that. Oh, you have to go to bed early. Why don't you stay here? You can stay up as long as you want, and that that for me is even worse because you're you know, you're dressing it up as oh the child wants this, and it's like, no, you're just manipulating your own child.

Lauren: 30:27

Exactly. And we we've had situations, I mean my stepdaughter says that she prefers her house, and there's sometimes she's been upset and transitioned to come back to her our mum's, and we have to say, like, oh, but you'll have good fun at mum's and you'll do this and you'll do that, and it'll be and we kind of have to do the opposite, and I I can't imagine that's happening like that would happen if it was the other way around. But yeah, you have to encourage them until they're at an age where you know they can decide for themselves, and it's it's difficult because my so my stepson, our kids' schedules are all kind of completely different. So my husband's son to his first ex, he he's about an hour away, so it's was difficult for him to do school runs and things, so he was kind of always every other weekend. And now that he's 18, he comes through every now and again, he's got a job and he's got a girlfriend and he's got his friends and things, so we don't see him very often. But my husband speaks to him all the time in the game together and things like that. Um, and then like my other my other stepson to the previous ex, he actually lives with us full-time. He moved in with us full-time when he was 16. So it's been difficult for like my stepdaughter, she was 50-50, and she was like, Well, why does my brother get to stay here full-time and I don't? Why do I have to go to mum's and he doesn't? And she's been asking questions about that, and obviously we have to be careful about what we see, and it's just been like, look, well, when you're older, when you're his age, then you'll get to decide what what you want to do, but this is this is the way it is just now, and like your mum will miss you, and you need to go and see your mum and things like that. So it's trying to to encourage her, which is is difficult sometimes when you know it's it's not been it's not the same thing asn't happening in that house, and sometimes it's probably the opposite that's happening.

Katie South: 32:12

When you've got a seven-year-old, it must be really difficult to strike the balance of listening to her and validating what she's feeling, but also like you say, encouraging her to go to mums.

Lauren: 32:25

Yeah, because it and we do always ask, like, is everything okay, or why do you like why do you not want to go to mummies? And she's never I mean, there's been a few things that have happened at her mums, but when we ask her, she never really says anything negative about her mums. It's just that she's like, Oh, I miss daddy snuggles, or I just like it better here. So it it's kind of a bit easier in a way, because she's not telling us like something bad's happening there, or I I don't like mum or whatever. Like, she's not saying anything like that, she just really feels comfortable here, and it's just that kind of reassurance. Well, like you'll be back here soon, and when you're back, we'll we'll we'll do this. And but again, kind of having to strike that balance so we're not coaxing our back to to us and trying to be level about it. A week's quite a long time, isn't it? For living. Yeah, so we have yeah, so we have the schedule, is it's Sunday to Sunday. Her mum gets every Tuesday, and we get every Thursday, so the week's kind of broken up, so it's not like a full week, and it's it's also good because it means that we can do like on a Thursday, she does tumble class and dance class, and it means that we've kind of got that consistency, and she does that every Thursday. So, and yeah, as I say, it breaks that week up because it is, it's a long, it's a long time.

Katie South: 33:35

And how are the children been? Because I'm always interested in the sort of sibling dynamics. So you've got these three siblings who are all genetically related in one way or another. What's their relationship like as a trio or as pairs within the trio?

Lauren: 33:54

The two boys got on great, but they were obviously there's a big age gap between them and my stepdaughter, so they were kind of brought up like just the two boys, two brothers, so they've always kind of got on great. They're very different, they got on really well together. They don't obviously see each other as much now, um, because they've got their own kind of lives and things going on. I do think they I think they talk and things like that on the phone and things and they keep in touch. Um, and they're at that age now where they're they're both 18, and we can kind of go and they come in nights out and go at the pub and things with us. So they have a they've they have a nice relationship. And then my stepson that lives with us, him and his sister, they they go on great. Obviously, she's there's a big age gap there, and I think she prefers his girlfriend to him, to be fair. He's got a girlfriend, he's had a girlfriend for a few years, and she absolutely adores her. So she goes up there and plays Roblox and things with them. So they've got a nice relationship as well, and she absolutely loves her other brother. I think she really wishes she could see him more often, but when he does come through, she's sitting on his knee and he's the centre of our world when he comes over, just because I think it's a novelty and she doesn't see him so often. But they yeah, they do get on really well. I think that's maybe with the the age gap and the distance, they're not you know under each other's feet constantly. Like I had I've got three brothers and we're all really close in age, um like a year apart, and we fought like cat and dog, but they don't have that, they've got a much nicer dynamic.

Katie South: 35:15

Sometimes I wonder whether those sorts of sibling relationships, because you're not in in each other's pockets 24-7, whether there's a bit it gives you a bit more breathing space.

Lauren: 35:26

It's also as well of because there's such that age difference, and we feel like a lot of her attention is obviously on my stepdaughter, and it's like you kind of want to not make the boys feel left out, but then a lot of the activities we're doing with her they probably wouldn't want to do. Like they get invited along, but they usually don't want to go. I feel like she's an only child sometimes because we're we're always kind of out doing things with her and and not the boys. You don't want her to be that favouritism or they them to think that that she's getting things that they're not. It's just that the age a lot of the time they they kind of don't want to do that, and then obviously when she's our mum's, we can do kind of more adult things with the boys as well. So it's nice that they've got to that stage at 18 where we can start doing different things with them. Definitely when they were maybe like 14, 15 and she was still a toddler, it was difficult trying to find activities that matched everyone.

Katie South: 36:20

Oh, yeah, I know that one. And it is quite nice as well, like when you can switch dynamics between families. Like my parents are amazingly generous babysitters, and whenever we can, we love to take our older ones out for a meal or out to do something, or even just like have an evening when the little ones have gone to bed and just give them the time. Because you're right, the younger kids do often dominate just because they need so much more. So you mentioned at the beginning that you had no biological children.

Lauren: 36:52

So, yeah, I don't have any biological children, and that was um that was a choice. I've always I've always loved children, I've always got on really well. I'm the oldest grandchild, and I've got lots of little cousins, so I always got on really well with children, but I've never had that overwhelming urge to to have my own children. I focused a lot on my career as well through my twenties and things like that, and I just didn't really feel that urge. And it's one of those huge life-changing things that I've always thought, like, you know, if I'm not like my whole body's not telling me to do it, then maybe I shouldn't. So yeah, when I met my husband, it was great. I kinda had this ready-made family, and he didn't want any more kids. He had his three. Although he did say, like, if you really wanted to, I would have another one for you. But I was quite happy, um, quite happy with the ones I had acquired. So we've not got any plans to to have any biological kids. I love the dynamic we've got. Like, we've got the best of both worlds because we have the family life, but we also got quite a lot of time, like, just to be a couple. And I just feel really blessed that I have that. So yeah, like I just think I've won the lottery really with the kind of situation I've kind of landed in. And a lot of step moms don't say that.

Katie South: 38:06

Well, no, I mean it sounds like you've been through some tricky times, but you've got a husband by your side who's got the balance right between being a dad, being a husband, trying to maintain a balance with his ex of having a decent relationship without pandering to everything they want. And and it sounds like that's worked out really well for you. So good for you.

Lauren: 38:29

Yeah, I feel really lucky.

Katie South: 38:30

Well, I say lucky is something that is work, isn't it? We've both put a lot of work into to building that. And when you look back at the times when it was really difficult, and obviously there'll be women listening to this right now who are like, I want to feel like I've won the lottery and I feel like I've won the booby prize. What would your advice be to them about some steps that they could take to make things a bit easier?

Lauren: 38:52

I mean, the key, I think, is is all I've always said, the key is having that supportive partner, but also not losing yourself and and knowing your own value and that you're not second best and you shouldn't be second best because your partner has children. You deserve to be a priority as well. And remember why you got into the relationship. It wasn't for the kid. You fell in love with with this man and he just happens to have children. So I think it's important to keep that at the forefront that your relationship came first. This is the reason why you're you're a stepmum. And just know your worth and stand up for yourself and have boundaries and and don't let people take advantage of you or use that excuse of, oh, the kids come first or I'm doing this for the kids. Like and it's hard, like um, I can be a bit of a people pleaser as well. But yeah, I think just knowing your worth and keeping your own identity and just standing up for for your own happiness. Obviously, it helps when you've got a supportive husband who's not like a Disney dad or drowning in dad guilt. I think that definitely helps. Mandatory.

Katie South: 40:00

So what a beautiful note to finish on. Thank you so much for your time, Lauren. It's been really, really gorgeous to speak to you. And I can just see how much like you adore your stepdaughter every time you talked about her, the face lights up, and with the older boys as well. It just seems like you've got such a nice family. And I know you say you're lucky, but it sounds like you've worked for it as well.

Lauren: 40:19

Yeah, I mean, I need to give a lot of credit to my husband. He's obviously I've I'm kind of relatively new on the scene. I've only been here five years, so yeah, he's done a great job raising the kids. I just lucky to kind of step into an already great family.

Katie South: 40:32

What a lovely, lovely Christmas fairy tale for us before uh before Christmas. It's nice to have a happy story. So thank you so much for your time today. Thanks, Katie. It's lovely to speak to you. Oh, what a story. And what I loved about it is its clarity, a united couple, child centred decisions, and boundaries that protect everyone's nervous system. It really is the holy grail of step parenting. If today's episode brought relief or a little courage, share it with a stepmum friend who needs the same. And if you'd like to take practical steps to make your stepmum experience. Feel better, then I invite you to book a free intro for one-to-one coaching, join the Stepmum Reset Workshop, or grab downloadable tools for tricky moments. All this is available at stepmumspace.com. The next Stepmum Reset Workshop is running in January, and I'd love to see you there. Finally, if you enjoyed the show, a quick rating or review helps other Stepmums find us. Thank you so much for being part of Stepmum Space, we really appreciate it. See you next week.