Episode 62: “I Forced My Role”: The Stepmum Trap No One Warns You About

Christmas is when stepfamily pressure peaks — and for many Stepmums, it’s when the “perfect blended family” myth hurts the most.

In this episode, I’m joined by Courtney, a stepmum in Australia navigating 50/50 care with two stepkids (14 and 12). Courtney shares a raw, honest account of what happened when the other household’s new partner became highly involved — and how panic, comparison, and control slowly escalated co-parenting tension, affected her relationship, and left her stuck in fight/flight.

This episode explores accountability without shame, emotional reactivity, and the shift from “What do they think of me?” to “What do I want my role to be?”

✨ This is our last episode of the year — we’ll be back in January.

What we cover

• The emotional toll of stepmum life (and why it surprises so many women)
• When a new stepparent “takes over” — and why it’s so triggering
• Fairness, resentment, and the “here we go again” spiral
• How co-parenting conflict leaks into the stepcouple relationship
• Fight/flight responses and nervous system overwhelm
• Letting go without feeling like you’re “losing”

Key takeaways for stepmums

• You’re not “too sensitive” — your stress response is information
• Trying to control the other household often increases exhaustion
• Kids’ silence can lead stepmums to overthink and over-function
• You can own missteps without living in self-blame
• Role clarity starts with your values, not others’ perceptions

Chapters / timestamps

00:00 – Intro + Christmas chat
 01:46 – Courtney’s family setup
 03:30 – “I wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll”
 06:10 – What changed when the other household had a baby
 08:20 – The new stepdad’s involvement
 11:10 – Loyalty binds + “you’re just Courtney”
 13:48 – Wanting to matter (slowly)
 15:25 – Panic, control, and the group chat
 19:20 – Decisions made without consultation
 21:58 – When it hit Courtney’s wellbeing
 24:40 – Home as safe space
 27:25 – Do the kids know?
 30:34 – Partner conflict + “here we go again”
 32:11 – Fight/flight/freeze
 36:44 – “I wouldn’t force my role”
 39:05 – Letting go of perception
 44:02 – Closing reflections

Support mentioned (January)

Feeling reactive, exhausted, or stuck?

The Stepmum Reset Workshop – 23rd January
 Small group, practical tools, calmer nervous system, clearer boundaries.
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www.stepmumspace.com

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Transcript

Katie South: 0:04

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. We made it, ladies. It is nearly Christmas, and this is our last episode of the year. So before we get into today's conversation, I just wanted to say a huge, huge thank you for being here, for listening, sharing, and letting this space be part of your Stepmum journey. We'll be taking a short but well-earned break over Christmas, and we'll be back in January with more support, tools and honest conversations. And if you're looking for support in the new year, I'd love to invite you to the Stepmum Reset Workshop on the 23rd of January. You'll join a small group of like-minded women with whom you can express yourself fully, free from judgment, and get practical tools and techniques you can use to improve your experience. There's just a few spots left, so if you want to find out more and book, head to stepmomspace.com. If you'd prefer something more tailored to start off the new year as you want to, I also And if you're looking to improve your own wellbeing or the health of your relationship in the new year, I also offer one-to-one coaching and couples coaching. You can find out more and book a free 15-minute intro to see if it's right for you at stepmumspace.com. Now, today's episode. This is one of those conversations that really helps dissolve shame, and I know so many of you will recognise parts of yourself in it. Let's get into it. Courtney, hi, welcome.

SPEAKER_01: 2:08

Hi, thank you. It's nice to finally meet you. And you, how are you today? Yeah, good, good, good. It's late here though, so uh it's uh we're getting ready for wind down for the night.

Katie South: 2:22

And tell us whereabouts are you?

SPEAKER_01: 2:24

Uh I'm in a regional town in Victoria in Australia. And are you all set for Christmas? Just it's really uh it's crept up on us a little bit this year for some reason. I don't really know why. I think it's the weather. It's been a bit chilly here for us. So um it's not really feeling like Christmas.

Katie South: 2:43

I just keep saying, Oh yeah, I'm nearly done. Just a few more bits to get, just a few more bits to get. And my office, you won't be able to see, but over this side, covered in boxes that are covered in blankets so that my children don't find them. So it's like uh the most uninspiring Santa's grotto you can ever imagine. I know. I keep forgetting where I pin presents. Thank you ever so much for getting in touch with me. And I really, really appreciated you reaching out because some of what you shared will be familiar to some people and it will be really helpful to hear you speak about it. But some of it also we haven't heard before on the podcast, though I have heard it through women in coaching. So I'm really grateful to you for being brave enough to come out and speak out about some of those more uncomfortable things. I believe passionately, and this is one of the main reasons we started the podcast, that sharing stories helps kill shame around some of those more difficult emotions. So I've been really, really looking forward to our conversation today. Yeah, me too. So, do you want to kick off by telling me a little bit about your family?

SPEAKER_01: 3:52

Yeah, sure. So I am a stepmom to two kids. My partner has a daughter who is 14 and a son who is 12. Uh, and I met them about four and a half years ago. We started living together. We bought a house and we've been living together for three years and engaged for three years as well. And uh our wedding is in February. Wow, that's so exciting!

Katie South: 4:19

Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. So it sounds like you know, you were together a year and a half or so before you moved in together and and obviously lived lived with the kids. So, what's your schedule like with them?

SPEAKER_01: 4:34

Yeah, we do 50-50. So we change over on a Monday, so it's usually sort of after school. Yeah, we it wasn't always 50-50 when I first met it. Um my partner, it was uh 60-40. Um, but then we went 50-50. Um, and it's that works well. Cool. And what's your relationship like with the kids? It's it's good. It is good. I think I put a lot more pressure on myself for it to be different than what it is or how it started, I guess. My stepdaughter, when we first met, was very nervous, doesn't like change and didn't cope well. So she would initially um like she would hide in the car. She would refuse to get out of the car if we went for a walk. You know, it was COVID when we met, so we would go walking with our dogs and she wouldn't want to come. But over time, as she's got older, I think we've got quite a good relationship now. And what started quite good with my stepson is probably, I think he's still good, but uh, I have felt him pulling away a little bit just recently. We've sort of have got a feeling that that might be some uh loyalty binds to his mum. And she has been saying a few things that we suspect of uh incorrect about about me and what what how I behave towards her. So it it that that's hard because all I've ever wanted to be like everyone else is just to be another support person to the kids, and I thought I would be able to do that. So it it does feel hard when it hasn't gone quite as I expected. I didn't know anyone who had been a stepmum, so I really didn't know what to expect. But I think I had sort of watched enough movies that I assumed the problems would be around the kids themselves and that they would be, you're not my mum, and we don't want you to date our dad, or you know, them saying to my partner, we don't like her. And I was sort of more preparing myself for that. And that never really happened. I mean, they were a little bit standoffish, but that is just them, that's their personalities. So I was just not prepared for the emotional toll that it would really take on me. I wanted to approach it slowly. I had this idea that if we approached our relationship with the kids slowly and let them lead it, that it would ultimately better. And my partner really had, you know, obviously he was not with his ex-wife for a reason, but they had an okay relationship. And so I just assumed that her and I I didn't want to be friends with her, I wanted a well-working co-parenting dynamic that meant we could have some really good conversations because all in all, I just thought we should be there to have have those moments and share the share the moments. And uh initially it was all right with her and I. We were able to do that, and we had some girls' days where we went and got my stepdaughter's ears pierced, and we all got pierced, you know, our ears pierced together, and we we had some moments, and it's just really changed over over time. And I think a lot of that is how I've dealt with the dynamics of co-parenting. I haven't dealt with that well, and I think I have put in a lot of boundaries that I thought were protecting myself, and it's actually damaged lots of relationships, which is very hard to admit.

Katie South: 8:16

Well, I think you know, there's a balance between being accountable and looking at yourself and taking all the blame, and maybe you're taking all the blame when perhaps it's it's not all for you to take. When you said we were going out and getting our ears pierced on Girls' Days, it it's like a movie scene, right? Yes. What changed?

SPEAKER_01: 8:37

What changed for me is that because I was still happy and accepting my role in that, I was just there as an extra support person for the kids and assumed that I would let them sort of set the pace. I certainly didn't want to take the role of mum. They had a mum who was very involved and they had a dad who was very involved. Unfortunately, after we moved in together, their mum and her new partner had a baby, and at that point, the stepfather, I really felt just took over in a way that I don't know. I mean, I it's it's hard to explain because I think a lot of it was that she allowed him to, and in fact, she encouraged him, and she took a complete step back from anything with the kids, and he was enrolling them in sport, and he was enrolling them in something else, and we couldn't access the apps because it was all in his name and his email, and it was so different to how I was approaching being a step parent that I really lost focus of what I was doing, and I just kept thinking, I must be doing this wrong. Like, why is that okay for him to be doing that? And I just kept thinking, I'm not a bio mum myself, I don't have my own kids. So I just kept thinking, if that was me, there's no way I would let someone just take over.

Katie South: 10:12

It does sound kind of controlling, actually, to come in and definitely if it was a stepmum doing that, everybody would be saying it's not her place to do that. She should let the real mum be involved. So it must have been pretty hard on your partner.

SPEAKER_01: 10:26

It was, it was. And he was trying really hard. I mean, he's he's a much better person than me. He's a lot more patient. I'm the fiery one and he's the he's the calm one. But it was very hard for him. He coached his son's soccer team and loved it. And if it wasn't our week, he would turn up, and the stepdad is in there taking him up to get awards and stepping in with all the other parents listening to the coaches. And I know that you want to sort of insert yourself into the kids' lives, but it was so blatant. And I really I hated it for my partner, and I really hated it for me because I was still trying to find my spot in this and where I fit and what my role was. And he was this guy that's just wallstone in, clearly having no problems in the world, accepted his role, was happy with it, and was just running with it. And I couldn't do that, you know. And I kept thinking, I said, he's God, he oversteps in everything he does. And and then later I thought, I don't know if he's overstepping or he's just overstating, you know, that because he would speak for the kids. It's it's a small town, we'd run into them in a cafe and we would say, Oh, what have you been up to? And he would answer for them. And when their mum was in hospital with the baby, we did say, Look, if the kids want to come, if they need anything, they can come here. They'll be fine. They're happy that I'm home with them.

Katie South: 13:05

The other thing that might be going on is that he's deeply, deeply insecure, and as you say, just feel the needs to overstate his involvement. How did your stepkids take to that?

SPEAKER_01: 13:16

Uh, they don't talk too much about each house. They really don't talk about that kind of stuff. They don't like to open up and talk much about anything really, unlike my family, who share everything and have big discussions and they certainly keep a lot more to them to themselves. So they've never implied that they haven't liked it. Um, we have had some discussions in sort of the recent sort of six months, and they have sort of said then that they don't hug him or anything like that, that they're uh they don't call him their stepdad. And and that was in relation to us talking about my own role. And do they see me as a stepmum? And they're like, not really, like you're just you're just cork, and I'm like, okay. Which, you know, and again, that sort of hurts in a way. I don't think I've fully accepted my role, or I I have carved it out for myself. And I'm still sort of fluctuating between I'm not their mom. I don't need to be that role. My partner is extremely capable. He doesn't need me to step in and do anything for him. But in the same time, I don't have my own kids. I want to experience what it's like to be a mum. I want to know what it's like. You know, everyone complains about making school lunches. I've got friends that go, oh God, who cares if he manages the app? Good. You know, I wish my husband managed the apps and all that. But I don't, I've never I've never experienced that. And I would like to know what it's like to be a mum. And I think that's what's I've really struggled with as well, because you know, here's this guy who's stepped in, who has clearly been allowed. Their mum has clearly encouraged it to the point where she has said that she didn't want to communicate with us anymore for her own mental health and that all conversations and communication was to go through him. And you know, it's just I I just felt like he was handed all this power, and I still had no idea where I fit in.

Katie South: 15:35

And how long had you and your partner been together when stepdad came on the scene? About the same sort of length of time. Yeah. So when you both came into the kids' lives, you said you were trying to figure out what your role was going to be. Did you know how you wanted to be in the children's lives?

SPEAKER_01: 15:54

I did want to end up being very important to them. I wanted to be someone that they could turn to. I wanted to be someone that they knew they could rely on and that they felt comfortable with and you know, that they would grow to love and respect and need in their lives. But I thought that that would take time. And unfortunately, when I saw the stepdad, how he behaved and how he was inserting himself, I panicked. You know, it was like he had this role, he knew what it was, he was going for it, he was comfortable. And I felt like if I didn't step up, then I wouldn't have that relationship with the kids. And, you know, I started to get really jealous that he was the favorite step parent. And, you know, I was at the pool and one of the workers at the pool said, Oh, I gave stepson's goggles to his dad. And I'm like, that's not his dad. Yeah, and just I'm like, what how do these people think that he's their dad? Like, what is he doing that makes people think that he's their dad? Where I was sort of very um mindful of not because uh I don't know, I didn't want to upset the kids, I certainly didn't want to upset their mum. So I was like, oh, you know, these are this is my partner's son, or this is my partner's daughter.

Katie South: 17:24

And so you said that when you you saw him kind of inserting himself, you panicked. What happened?

SPEAKER_01: 17:31

I think that's when I really forced my role. And part of that was the control thing because I was like, if he's allowed to do all the communication, then so am I. And I want to be involved and I want to know what's happening, what are we doing, and what's been organized, and what's been said, and what did you answer to that? And I really wanted to control the whole thing, and I was like, well, that's not fair. And yeah, so we would we would have a group chat going with the four of us, and initially it was okay. Then there was started to be if someone was upset, there was a sort of the messages became quite emotional and started to become, you know, slightly aggressive in in tone, and particularly I would get frustrated at what was written because I would interpret the language or the tone of the message and say that's that's not right, or you can't say that, that's not fair. I can't believe they're asking the kids for the kids for another weekend. And I became very um tit for tat in that. I was like, that's not fair. When we don't ask that, they could say that message nicer. And when I couldn't stop, I couldn't bite my tongue, and unfortunately, I would send off a few messages myself with uh, you know, sorry guys, but that's not that's not right, or and I would really try to stand up for ourselves and call them out on often what was really bad behaviour themselves. And that's when things started to get bad. Eventually, his ex-wife said that she didn't want to have any more communication with us and that she would only have serious conversations, but the day-to-day handover type of conversations were to be done through her partner to protect her mental health, which was really weird. But for my partner, he thought that maybe it was better because she does get emotional, she does play the victim. Just about every phone call ends up with her in tears. You know, you can't say that. I can't believe you said that to me. I'm a good mother. Like every it's the standard line all the time. I'm a good mother. Is anybody ever questioning whether she's a good mother or not? Never. She's a good mother. We've never questioned that um questionable decisions she makes, but there's certainly no harm to the kids. You know, she she's a very good mother, and it's more just about we just wish that she would be more accountable for her things. There's always a lot of decisions are being made before talking to us. We always tried to be very upfront with our communication, and when things happened, we would be quick to sort of say, this is happening, we'll chat to you guys about it. That wasn't reciprocated when our stepdaughter had the opportunity to increase her hours at gymnastics. Um, we said, Yeah, we'll talk to mum about that. And when we did, she said, I think it's fine. And we said, Oh, well, we just want to talk about it because she's going into high school. Do you think we should just see how she goes into high school? But this is her passion. Yes, but we're just saying, can we just leave it as it is for the first term? See how she goes. Well, I've already signed her up. Well, you didn't talk to us about that. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Well, no, you otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation now. Well, you're saying I'm a bad mother.

Katie South: 21:26

It sounds like the reasonable conversation and discussion goes very quickly to are you saying I'm a bad mother? But there's not really a hint of it there. It sounds like two people being concerned about whether a child can balance schoolwork with extracurricular stuff, which is pretty normal. And gymnastics, from what I understand, having friends with children who do it, it's a lot of hours.

SPEAKER_01: 21:51

It's a lot of hours. And it wasn't about we can't do it on the weeks that she's with us. It was purely about her well-being and is this right? And she just said, Well, that's what she wants to do. We're like, Well, who's the adult in this? We're the ones that are making the decisions. And that has happened time and time again where decisions are made, and then we are told later. And that's when me, I was like, This is this is not on. And when I would hold her accountable to that, she didn't want to engage at all. We had a few bad conversations. We suggested in the group chat that would we consider getting a mediator just to help clear the air on a few things. And it promptly said she has left the group chat. And I just thought that just sums up, you know, the immaturity to even have a discussion about it. I certainly haven't been mature myself throughout all of this. And it was only just recently. Our son is going into high school next year. We wanted to talk about the social media laws that have come in in Australia and just you know, the usual, like a yearly catch-up. My partner and her had a bad conversation, and so her partner has sent a message saying we will no longer be catching up with you next week due to the poor conversation on the phone. We only have the kids' best interest at heart, and there will be no further conversations. Wow.

Katie South: 23:30

It sounds very, very tense, high stress, which obviously nobody wants. You, your partner, her, her partner. Um, and sounds like it's affected at least you and her negatively from your own well-being, from the point of things going really well to things turning up to this. At what point did you start to find things really difficult yourself?

SPEAKER_01: 25:12

Um, yeah, that's a good point. I'm not sure actually, because I think it was just a slow decline. I found it particularly difficult after we bought our house and moved in together. And this was sort of this exciting time where we had our family home, the relationship with the kids was good. I felt pretty comfortable all at that time. And then I just found her partner starting to step in a bit more and taking over. And I felt for my partner. And I started to put in, I wouldn't say rules, but this was my home that I really wanted to start creating. And there was always a message with uh one of the kids has forgotten their school jumper. We'll just swing in tomorrow and pick it up. And I'm like, Jesus, you know, and it just became then it was one of them forgot their goggles. You don't have goggles, or you don't have time to go and buy another pair of goggles. We weren't being used necessarily as like the um like a shop, but and a supply chain, but it did feel like it was just it was the easy, we'll just pop in and get it. And I started to go, this is ridiculous. Like the kids are old enough to manage. How come we manage to send? I don't know, it was just always there was some reason that they had to come back. And I never thought it was because she there was any sort of romantic interest in my partner. It wasn't that, but I was like, why do you want to come to his new house with his new partner a couple of times a week? I don't want to go to your house. Did she come in? She used to not come in, but she used to sort of come to the door and stuff, and she doesn't now because that became quite an issue, and the bag drop became quite a big issue. And I think again, it was probably because I shut it down with it. It doesn't have to be like this. Like just if everyone was organized, I don't understand why we've got backwards and forwards happening all the time.

Katie South: 27:22

I always think it's really difficult for kids who go between homes and whatever you can do to make that a little bit easier, like have goggles at both houses, have anything that's not too expensive, have one at each house. Like football boots, fine, you might not want to have it at each house, but otherwise it's really the kids who end up getting stressed out, and this isn't here and this isn't there, and it doesn't seem unreasonable what you're saying. But I wonder, was the feeling underneath for you something more about actually this is my safe space?

SPEAKER_01: 27:54

It was it was frustrating that um I think and I mean I was I was comparing myself again to her. I was like, well, I managed to do it, and I'm not even their mum, you know, that sort of attitude. I managed to sort out a pair of goggles in time for the swimming lesson and not have to rely on going to your house. So I was trying to prove as well that I could be a mum. I I really was trying to prove and to probably show her that I was capable, not to hurt her, but also just to show I'm we've I've got this. You know, you don't need to send a message about stuff that comes out on the school newsletter. We all see it. So I was really trying to push that, I think. And yes, it was my home and it was my safe space. And I just wanted it. I wanted to have our week with the kids to be a family, and I wanted the week without them to focus on our relationship because we were still dating. You know, we'd only been together for a year and a half. We were actually still in that lovely honeymoon phase and dating each other and still finding out about each other, and it really did impact big time, and I allowed it. I allowed it to impact my my my mental capacity big time. I certainly didn't handle any of that stage well. I I don't think. I I wish I had done things differently. I wish I hadn't been so hard and um uh you know, I don't I don't really know how to explain it, but I wish I hadn't been so quick to judge and quick to react and and quick to go down what's fair or equitable and things like that. I think if I had been a bit more fluid and a bit more relaxed, we could have probably um kept somewhat of a relationship going. We do try still. Um it's I'm finding that very difficult. She still doesn't want to talk to us anything about the kids, walks away from conversations, but then when we're out in public, it's very friendly. And I I can't do that. I can't do that just for appearances. I find that very fake. But I wish that I had been able to maintain a much more friendlier relationship because I do think at the end of the day, it would have been easier for all four of us, and six of us, including the kids, you know, I think it would have taken a lot of stress off. How much do the kids know about what's gone on? Again, they don't really talk about it, but I think they do know, they're very aware. Lately, as I said out, my stepson has been a bit more distant with me, and we have heard he sort of spoke to his dad a little bit and has indicated that I send his mum messages regularly and make her cry. I have sent her messages that I'm sure did make her cry years ago, you know, as she has sent me messages that have made me cry that it that doesn't happen. We don't communicate. And so his dad said, I know that you communicate with the stepfather. So the kids know that. I think they have seen that their mum has pulled away a fair bit, and I'm sure they they see it, they feel it. Which is hard because it's not what I wanted. I really thought that I could do it where we could all not be one happy family, but the the kids would feel comfortable with their situation and and their life. And but I think that's what you know, it's disappointing for me because I feel like I've contributed to it, but I feel like I've also got a situation that doesn't allow that. I mean, she can't have those mature conversations. My stepdaughter asked to shave her legs, and I said, Oh, look, I really think we need to talk to Mum about that. You know, I said, I understand why you want to start high school, we'll have chat to mum, and it's just it wasn't received in any kind of thanks very much for handing that back to me. I just sort of I just feel a bit disappointed sometimes that when I do, I try really hard to for all those big things. Every time we're at an event that she's not at, I send photos to it. It's never done in return. I've sent her birthday cards, Christmas cards. I sent her a message and given presents for her baby daughter. You know, I I've I've really tried to be friendly and it just doesn't ever seem to get reciprocated.

Katie South: 32:47

And it's really hard, isn't it? Because I think most step mums, certainly the ones that I work with in a one-to-one coaching or group setting, can all reflect on actually, I didn't handle that very well, or I, you know, I wish I'd have done that, or if I had my time again, I'd do this. But in the moment, all anybody is ever doing is their best, and it's so difficult because what seems to happen time and time again is like the harder you try, the worse it gets. You're really emotionally invested because you're trying so hard and you want to do the right thing. So when it gets thrown back in your face, it's so much more painful. It certainly takes a really strong person to be able to say I contributed to the situation that we're in. And I think me and my husband have both had conversations like that. But you know, it it's a it's a tough place to be, and I'm sure it's taken its toll on you.

SPEAKER_01: 33:48

It has it has taken its toll, and unfortunately, it's now so um, like we are so heightened that when anything goes wrong or there's any kind of conflict again, one of us, whether it's my partner or I, and it's normally me, reacts and goes, Oh, yeah, that'll be right. Of course that's what's happened, or here we go again, or I can't believe that's what they said, and you know, whatever it is, and it causes conflict between my partner and I because he's like, let it go. I'm like, how can you say let it go? Like, this is rubbish, we shouldn't be putting up with this. And he's like, I'm exhausted, I can't do it. So we get in this awful patch where our relationship suffers from it. The kids see that and they think we're fighting, and we are, but you can't say it's because your mum sent a silly message to us, you know. And that that's the most awful thing, is that now the kids think that we're fighting, and it's all because it's and it's not fighting, it's it's emotions and it's frustration, and we've only got each other to sort of vent to and you know share it with. And I I do feel I feel bad for my partner too, that he has to hear it, but I can't vent to the biomum. I can't vent to the kids. It's unfortunately it is his baggage that he has come with.

Katie South: 35:25

Have you found any ways that you can let any of it go? No, not currently. I'm still trying. You need to join one of our workshops because I do, yes, I do. It's such a common problem for step-mums to feel so frustrated by all these things they can't control and to feel like life's happening to you. And it's one of the biggest shifts that you can make to get out of that situation. So there is one running in January. Anyone can join. Um, and there is one in January for anybody who's listening who wants to get some tools and techniques to get out of the situations where you feel like you have no control and you want to try and let things go. It's transformative to be able to do that. When your partner is saying let it go, do you feel like it's almost invalidating your emotions?

SPEAKER_01: 36:20

Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm thinking, why am I so angry and you're and you're not? I mean, he is, but it's usually I've just gone to a hundred quicker than he has, so one of us has to stay calm, and it's usually him. But he is also better. It's like, look, this isn't a big deal. But yes, I do feel in those moments, it's hard because you're right, it's it's not feeling validated, and it's not feeling supported, I guess, in that moment. And I I say that again with a lot of guilt because he is the most supportive person and he's been doing this with me for two years now. So he is and he's still sticking by me and still supporting me. But in those moments, it's just I need something from you, and you're not giving me what I need. I find that then hard to say exactly what it is because I don't really know what I need at that at that moment. And it's a vicious cycle.

Katie South: 37:20

Yeah, and your body will go into fight, flight, or freeze straight away, and then you'll react. So you you maybe feel it in your chest, or you feel it bubbling inside you, or you feel something, and then you're off.

SPEAKER_01: 37:33

I'm off and I'm I'm off, and then I shut down, and there is no way that he can break that. Once I shut down, it's it's a waiting game.

Katie South: 37:47

Yeah, and then of course, you're in you're in the situation that you talked about where you've shut down because you felt unsupported in the moment. He's trying to get in, but you've shut down, so he can't get in. So then you two end up in this cycle where you're not arguing, but you're not supporting one another because you've both you've both got your bodies gone into a response to the situation. So your body will know before your brain does. So sometimes you have to get really good, or it's important to get really good at noticing those signs in your body. So as soon as your body tells you, I'm about to go, you can draw on the on the techniques and the tools that you have that will help you because then you give yourself the chance for your partner to be able to come in and connect with you before everything goes off.

SPEAKER_01: 38:37

Yes, yeah.

Katie South: 38:38

I mean, it's easier said than done, and it takes practice, but I've seen phenomenal change in women when they can master that because a lot of it is about the stories we tell ourselves. You know, you talked about how you will say, here they go again, they're doing this again, they're doing that again. And often that is absolutely the case, but sometimes it might not be. But you're you give a narrative because you've experienced something before, so you assume it's going to be the same again. It's it's it's such a tough place to be.

SPEAKER_01: 39:11

And that's I don't want to be like that anymore. You know, that's the thing. I don't I don't want to just assume the worse in in everything, and I would like to be able to give the benefit of the doubt because I do want I want a much better relationship with them. I think the kids would like it more. It's got to make it easier, it has to make it easier, but I just don't know how to fix it.

Katie South: 39:36

And maybe it's not your job, you know, the cost to you of continually trying and trying and trying. And then if it doesn't work, you feel like you're failing, but you're not the only person in this situation. It's really difficult. If you could go back, what do you think you would do differently knowing what you know now?

SPEAKER_01: 39:58

I wouldn't force my I wouldn't force my role. I would, I would really try and just stay true to the course that I was on and just let it happen naturally and let the stepfather do whatever they can run their own race. And we often will say that now. My partner will say, you know, not our circus, not our monkeys, and I'm like, I know, I know, I know. And I would really try hard at stopping that competitiveness between us. He doesn't know he's in a competition, but I would really try hard to stop that and really just focus on what we have in our house and how we operate. And I think I would have been much more comfortable with that instead of trying to force something.

Katie South: 40:48

And do you think that's a spot you can move to now and grow from?

SPEAKER_01: 40:55

Um that's interesting. I think so because uh well, no, actually, probably not. It's it's I again now I'm trying still trying to figure out how it looks to me. What is my perfect step parenting role look like? Where do where where do I want to sit with it? What does it look like to me? And you know, once you've started on a course, I know you can change, but it's very hard to do so without feeling like you're losing yourself in it. You know, I I've thought about what it would look like if I changed the way and what does that look like to the kids? You know, how do they take that that all of a sudden I'm changing my involvement or how I show up? Do if I change things with the other house, does it show that I have admitted guilt to everything that I've done before? And um, you know, it's I've really I'm really struggling with that, that that constant what if and how is that perceived by others, instead of really just going, what is it that I want and what does it look like for me? And not caring about anyone else.

Katie South: 42:18

What would it be like to not worry about the other house or how you were perceived? It would be very relaxing.

SPEAKER_01: 42:27

It would be really good just to let that go. Um get upset now, but it's that's I just I I really just want to focus on my life and the family we have, and you know, ignore all that other drama. It's just it's drama, it's drama that just sucks the life out of you.

Katie South: 43:00

The cost on your personal energy is such a lot, and the more you can find a way to focus on you, accept that actually your intentions didn't land as you meant them to in the beginning, that's not your fault, you know. That's a that's something that happened, and you've acknowledged to yourself that there are times when you didn't show up in the best way, but you don't need to punish yourself for that forever. You did your best, like you did your best, things happen. We're humans, we muck up. I've made loads of mistakes, it happens, and people make mistakes all the time, but yeah, it's evident from seeing you how much you care about the kids and how much you care about your role. And you know, it speaks to what I tend to find time and time again that the women who find this role the hardest are the ones who really care and really want to do it well, which is like a a double-edged sword, because then when they find it's hard, it's it's so much harder because you take it it so personally, and a lot of the time it's not about you. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 44:21

I think I'm starting to to learn that now that it's so multifaceted and and so layered, you know, there's so many people involved, it's not just you, but the your partner, the kids, the other household, society, your own family, you know, how they interpret your role. Like everyone sees your role being different, or they all have an opinion on what the stepmum role should look like, and it's hard to block out all of that noise and just stay true to your version of it.

Katie South: 45:04

It really is, it really is, and especially as you say, it's like there's so much noise from society and what you should and shouldn't do, but really, you know, it took me a long time to realise my life experience is the same, whether X person likes me or not, you know, the way that you experience your day-to-day life possibly wouldn't change if Bio Mum really liked you. It's when it affects the kids that it becomes problematic, and a lot of the time bio mum will talk to the kids about things that aren't appropriate, and then suddenly the kids struggle with being at dad's house. But it sounds like that hasn't been the case in your situation.

SPEAKER_01: 45:52

No, I think we are lucky in that way. The the kids have never shown that they're unhappy to come here. As I said, there's been that sort of recent thing with my stepson, but they were here last week and it was completely fine, and there was no no issues at all. And that's the other thing. I have to remind myself we actually have it very good. You know, and there is no big dramas, there's no custody battles or anything like that.

Katie South: 46:21

But it's still okay for you to find it hard. Your experience is real, right? Where do you see your family getting to?

SPEAKER_01: 46:33

I would really like it that we could the four of us consider ourselves a family and that we have our own traditions and our own little ways of doing things, and that when they are older they can look back and say, that's what Dad and Cork taught us, or that's what we did with them. I just want to know that we make a difference and that they can reflect fondly back on their time with us and how we parented and raised them. That's what I want.

Katie South: 47:07

Yeah. That sounds like a place that you can really get to.

SPEAKER_01: 47:12

Yeah. I think so. I do think so.

Katie South: 47:15

Well, look, I just want to say a massive, massive thank you because it takes real courage to show up and say, This is what I've done, and there's some things I'm really proud of, and there's some things I'm not. And there'll be, I would imagine many women who've probably shed a few tears listening to this because it's so important. And if there's anyone listening who's thinking, God, I wish I'd done things differently, or I've mucked up, or actually I was the high conflict one there. Like, it's okay, you acknowledge it, you work out what you want to do differently next time, and you move on, but don't spend the next month, year, decade beating yourself up over something. Life's too short. True.

SPEAKER_01: 48:01

Yeah, true.

Katie South: 48:02

I hope you have a really, really lovely Christmas. You do. And I hope that in 2026 you can be a little bit gentler on yourself. Yes. That's the plan. Corney, thank you so much for sharing so openly today. I really appreciate your honesty. I know this conversation will land deeply for a lot of you listening, especially anyone who's been carrying guilt, second guessing themselves, or wondering if they've somehow ruined things by reacting from stress. If you're listening and you recognised yourself in any part of this, please take this as your reminder, you are not alone and you are not a bad person for finding this hard. Step family life is layered, emotionally charged, and often full of dynamics you didn't create. And the fact you care this much is usually the very reason it hurts. If you want support to help you step out of the spiral, feel calmer in your body and get clear on what you can control, we've got the Stepmum Reset Workshop on the 23rd of January. It's a small group and there are only a few spots left. If you'd rather work privately, you can also explore one-to-one coaching or couples coaching with me at stepmamspace.com. Thank you for listening, and because this is our last episode of the year, I just want to say I am really grateful you're here. I hope you can be gentle with yourself over Christmas, take what you need and leave the rest. It absolutely makes my day when I hear how this show is helping women like you all over the world. So if you've taken something from any of our episodes, please do drop a rating or a review. It would make my Christmas. We'll be back in January. Take care.