Why Being a Stepmum Still Feels Hard (Even When Everything’s Fine)

Stepmum life can feel heavy even when the relationships are good.
If you’re carrying guilt, questioning your feelings, or wondering why it still feels hard, this episode is for you.

One of the most confusing parts of stepfamily life is that things can be relatively stable — and still emotionally demanding. Many stepmums find themselves holding a lot of guilt, mental load, and self-doubt, especially when they care deeply and want the family to work.

In this episode of Stepmum Space, I’m joined by Jess, who became a stepmum at 19 and has now spent ten years navigating stepfamily and blended family dynamics. She speaks honestly about growing into the stepmother role over time; from being cautious in the early years, to taking on nursery runs, school runs, and day-to-day responsibility before she was even living with her partner.

We explore common stepmum struggles: the guilt of doing things without stepchildren, the pressure to feel grateful and cope better, and the quiet confusion of loving a stepchild deeply while knowing that the love feels different to the love you feel for your own children. Jess also reflects on parenting differences, particularly when dads parent from guilt, and how that can create imbalance and emotional strain in a blended family.

This is a grounded, validating conversation about the realities many stepmums carry silently (even years in). There’s no fixing, no judgement, and no pressure to feel differently. Just reassurance that struggling doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re responding to a complex family system.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why stepmum struggles can persist even when relationships are positive
• How guilt shows up around “missing out” and feeling you should cope better
• Why loving a stepchild deeply doesn’t always feel the same — and why that’s okay
• How dads parenting from guilt can affect stepfamily dynamics
• Why overthinking and emotional fatigue are common in blended families
• The relief that comes from understanding this as a system issue, not a personal failing

This episode is for you if you’re a stepmum who:

• Feels guilty for finding things hard when “nothing is technically wrong”
• Loves your stepchild but feels confused or ashamed about the love feeling different
• Notices parenting differences and feels the impact of dads parenting from guilt
• Is emotionally intelligent, reflective, and quietly exhausted by the mental load
• Wants reassurance that your feelings make sense within stepfamily dynamics

This episode speaks directly to the lived reality of stepmum struggles and blended family challenges, naming the emotional complexity without blaming or oversimplifying. It’s part of Stepmum Space’s wider work supporting stepmums with clarity, validation, and psychologically informed insight into stepfamily dynamics.

If this episode helped you feel a little more understood, you’re welcome to follow or subscribe to Stepmum Space so future conversations find you when you need them.
And if you know another stepmum who might recognise herself in this, sharing the episode can be a simple way to let her know she’s not alone.

Ready for structured support?

If you’re living with anticipatory anxiety before contact, walking on eggshells at home, or constantly replaying conversations long after they’ve happened, Back in Control is my structured programme for stepmums navigating complex stepfamily dynamics.

It’s designed to help you move out of chronic vigilance and into steadiness inside your own home.

Learn more:
 www.stepmumspace.com/back-in-control

Transcript

Katie South: 0:02

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. Today I'm talking with Jess, who's been a stepmum since she was just 19. Jess acknowledges how fortunate she is to have a really good relationship with her stepdaughter and her stepdaughter's mum. But she also speaks really openly about the reality of step-parenting whilst also raising her own small biological children. The mental load, the guilt, and the many, many moments where you need to pause and take a breath. We also talk about parenting differences being the strict one and the challenge of your partner treating the children he isn't with full-time differently from the ones he is. I really hope you enjoy the chat. Today I'm so happy to be joined by Jess. How are you? I'm good, thank you. How are you? Yeah, I'm really good. You were just saying that you are on a rare quiet morning.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18

I am, yeah. It's been quite nice. My daughter's starting at the Child Minders, my son's at school. So before I go back to work, I've got a morning off of no children.

Katie South: 1:30

Bliss. It really is. You mentioned that you've got two small children, and then you're a stepmum as well. So tell us a bit about that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:41

My bonus daughter, she is 11, and I've been in her life for 10 years now, actually. I think near enough to the dot, to the day me and my husband got together 10 years ago, January 2016. So yeah, it's been a wild ride. It's quite funny. We were talking to my husband's ex, my stepdaughter's mum, the other day, and we said if we looked back, the new trend that's going around when you look back at 2016 on social media, and we were saying if we did that, we would never have anticipated we'd be where we are now as this co-parenting family. It's been a wild ride, but it's definitely come out on top.

Katie South: 2:25

So take me back because I've seen that trend during the rounds as well. And uh 2016, I think I started to look back at some photos, and then I was like, oh, I look so young and slim and healthy. And then I just kind of got absorbed into life back then. I had my second son in 2016. So, in some ways, it was one of the best years of my life. Our first hours baby, which was lovely, but as with all families, it it wasn't the perfect year. So I I went down a bit of a rabbit hole actually with the photos and then never posted any of them.

SPEAKER_01: 3:00

Oh no, it's one of those, isn't it, where you always think there's gonna be some really good times and then you look and think, oh, hang on. That's also some trick tricky times, which again is exactly like my 2016. Yeah. Because it was lovely meeting my husband at that time, but obviously it was a very different, it wasn't just uh you meet somebody and you are in that new relationship because that new person has got somebody else with them as well, and it's really difficult. It's it's one of those where you don't kind of want to jump all in, but you also don't want to show that you're not interested. So I remember being in them mixed emotions at that time going, Oh, I really want this to work, but at the same time, I don't want to be like put all my eggs in one basket because I don't know what the outcome of this is gonna be. And he had a one-year-old, right? Yeah, she was one and a half at the time. I didn't meet her until quite a bit after. I think it was a good few months, really, that we were together and everything like that. I knew she existed, I knew she was there, and it wasn't hidden from me or anything. And it's funny, I'd actually met her as well, but not through that partnership. It's gonna sound really funny now. His mum was my boss. So he used to come in and I worked at a rental place and he used to come in and pay his rent. So he used to bring his daughter in and used to just say hello to him, and it blossomed from there. So I'd actually met her just in Pelo. She was always look through my drawers and everything, but it wasn't a I'm dating this person, anything like that.

Katie South: 4:40

And I guess I guess at one and a half, she probably wouldn't have grasped that concept anyway. No, definitely not.

SPEAKER_01: 4:47

They'd been split up probably October. So a good few months that they weren't together and that whole situation was completely separate. So she was probably coming to terms as a one and a half year old with this is mummy's house, this is daddy's house, this is my situation at the minute. And it's really difficult because you don't know what's going through their head at one and a half, you don't know how they're feeling in that situation. And you were really young as well, weren't you? Yeah, so I was 19, and I remember saying to my mum and my family, I've met somebody, and they were like, Oh, okay, he's got a child. And my brother turned to me and he was like, Are you sure that you want to do this? And I've always wanted to work with children after the rental situation. I was working with children, I still am. So I've always had that maternal instinct. So for me, it wasn't a massive like, whoa, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was a bit more like, Yeah, it is what it is. If I really like the person, then I'm sure I can make it work. But yeah, I remember my brother going, Are you sure? And my mum was going, Are you sure you want to do this? It's gonna be really hard. And at the time I was like, Yeah, it's new, it's fresh, it's lovely. And then you get a little bit out of the town and you're like, Oh, this is really and even now I still have days where I'm like, take a breath, it's okay. And I'm really positive at the end of it, but even days I have now, and I'm like, everything's fine.

Katie South: 6:15

And it is that moment where you, even when you are in a better place, you still have to interrupt your thoughts because your mind will spiral. So it's that moment when something happens with your older stepdaughter, and you automatically go into that kind of like, and then you take the breath, and you have to interrupt that thought and remind yourself actually it's okay, and go from there. So still doing that 10 years later in a really positive situation just goes to show that you know, there's so many women I know who'll be listening who are thinking, like, oh, it's me, I'm doing this wrong, I shouldn't be feeling like this. It's not 100%, it's not.

SPEAKER_01: 6:54

Like I said at the beginning, we never thought we would be in this place where we are now, co-parenting, but there's still moments where I do, I say to my husband, I think you need to, I think this is your territory, not mine. And that's where we're at. We work together as a team, and we are a team. And there's been, as an 11-year-old, I'm sure you can imagine, there's things she started secondary school, that whole situation. And there's things we've done as co-parents together to manage situations. But then there's been times where his ex and his daughter will say something, can I go, This is your territory, this is where you come in, and I'm gonna take my step back from this.

Katie South: 7:34

Yeah, yeah. Um so take me back to 10 years ago, then, and you've met this guy, you're 19, your mum and your brother are very politely saying, Are you shit? Yeah, you were meeting his daughter gradually at work. At what point did you step further into that family role?

SPEAKER_01: 7:52

Oh, I really don't think it was until probably around a year and a half later, in between that time, he had moved back with his family. He was living with a friend at the time, and we weren't in that relationship space where we could move in together. We weren't at that place yet. And his friend met somebody at exactly the same time he had met me, and they were ready. But I think again, it was the whole child situation that was involved, and we just weren't at that step yet. So he moved back with his family, and I stopped seeing him when he had his daughter, so he would have his days with his daughter, and I would just step back from that. So, around a year and a half later, his ex had moved about 35 minutes away. So his days had all changed with his daughter, and he was driving 35 minutes to take his daughter out for dinner because he couldn't commit to nursery runs, and he'd done that for a good few months. And by the time he'd driven there, he'd paid for a dinner, he'd driven home, it was taking his time out, his money, and everything. And I just said, then, look, I can commit to those nursery runs, I can commit to those times. Why don't you speak to your ex? We can work something out, and I'll do those runs. I'll go pick her up from nursery and I'll speak to work. I was a lot more flexible with my hours. So I could do that, and I think that was when I took on that first sort of major role in that step-parent kind of relationship. And how was mum about that? Absolutely fine. I think that her attitude to it was you sort out your nursery runs. So if you can't do them, that's on you. So if you can find somebody who can do that, fine. And I did it. And I remember my mum again was saying she loves them all now. But I remember my mum going, Jess, that's like your time, your effort, your money into somebody else's child. And I know it sounds really bad, but that was what it was.

Katie South: 9:59

And it doesn't sound really bad because A, your mum's there to hold up the uncomfortable truth when you don't want to go there. That's that's what we do. And I'm 45, my mum still does it for me, and I'm grateful for it. And also, it is something to consider because you're still only really young at this point, and you're building your own career and you've got your social life, and maybe not a lot of your friends have got children or stepchildren at that point. It it doesn't sound bad at all to think about that decision. And a lot of the time, women going into that stepmum role will give so much of themselves because they're like, This is the right thing. I want my child, I want my partner to be able to see his child more and he can't manage it. So I'm gonna help, I'm gonna step in. And that slowly can creep into a lot of over-functioning, a lot of giving more of yourself than you possibly actually can.

SPEAKER_01: 10:57

Yeah, and I think that's exactly it. I think at the beginning, I didn't want to jump in. Like I said, I didn't want to be like, oh, I'll do everything because I didn't want the relationship to break up, and then I've got this child to think of as well as myself. So then when it got a bit further down the line, and I was like, this is getting a little bit more serious now, we're a bit more together, and that was when I threw myself in. And I maybe threw too much of myself in. And I kind of that was my role then, as I guess, taxi in some ways. I was the tax, and I still, even to this day, I still do it now. So I still do the school runs, the drop-offs, the bus stop drop-off, all of that.

Katie South: 11:37

And it's that's my role as step mum. And when you started, and when you started doing the nursery runs and all of those things, you guys weren't yet living together. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01: 11:50

So I think that was when I was a bit more like, yeah, this is for me, this is for the long haul, this is what I want now, this is when I'm gonna be a part of your life, her life. This is where I want my situation to go. And I guess if you were to look at an average person's time with somebody and when they first meet, and then when they have all of these milestones, when you're that blended family, your milestones and maybe certainly ours were shifted a little bit further along. We didn't move in together until I think around two and a half, three years that we really started to go, okay, let's start living together. Let's do this. And it was, yeah, it was just a lot more further along the lines than an average relationship would be. And what was your relationship like with your stepdaughter? At the beginning, I guess, yeah, I was a little bit more reserved. I didn't want to again throw myself into that relationship. And then it just built. And I think because I'd been with her since she was so little, and me and my partner have been together for so long, it was all she knew. So, especially when I started to doing the nursery runs and everything, it was actually quite a nice bond that we had and that we have now.

Katie South: 13:08

That's so sweet. It's also nice to think of the fact that, you know, yes, on one level you're the taxi service, but it also means that you get that time with just you and her to chat in a non-forced way.

SPEAKER_01: 13:20

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I remember one time we were out together at the we were at the car boot, and I think she must have been maybe five at the time. She's very quite mature. I think she's just had to go in backwards and forwards to different houses. She's just got on with it, really. And we were at the car boot and we were buying donuts, and I was with her, and the lady from the counter went, gosh, don't you look like your mum? And we were like, oh, and she just went, Yeah. And I was like, Oh, okay. I don't want to say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her. But at the same time, I didn't want to be like, she's not mine, because I didn't want her to be like, feel sad about that. So we sort of just looked at each other and just smiled, like, yeah, okay. And then we got the donuts and went away. She's always appreciated me, my stepdaughter. I've always felt appreciated by her. Maybe sometimes when I didn't buy my husband or his ex, I knew that she was always the one that would be like, Yeah, I appreciate you. So it's yeah, we've got a lovely bond.

Katie South: 14:25

Oh, that is that's so nice to hear. I'm like beaming. That story's so sweet. So it's obviously amazing that you always felt supported by your stepdaughter and like she was grateful for you, but you say you didn't necessarily always feel it from her mum or her dad.

SPEAKER_01: 15:32

Yeah, obviously, like I said, I was doing that taxi, and you asked how like her mum felt about that, and I just said, Yeah, she was fine. And I think it was always fine because we were doing it, not necessarily her. So it was one of those situations where as long as she wasn't involved in that, then it was a relationship, especially at the beginning between my partner and his ex that was actually it was toxic between them. So again, I wanted to take that step back because I didn't want to get involved, but actually their relationship was not great, they couldn't communicate with each other, and it was a case of their minimal communication. So as long as my stepdaughter was picked up, dropped off, then that was fine. That was all she wanted. But again, it got to the point where there was arguments between them two about anything and everything that it was nitpicking. I say it was all sunshine and rainbows, it wasn't. It it really wasn't. There were times when it was, you know, you wanted to bang your head against the wall. And again, as a step parent, I never was involved in that situation. I always said to my husband that I'll support him from the sidelines, but that's your situation to deal with. That's you, that's not on me. And I don't think I actually, considering I was doing all of these nursery runs and school runs and everything like that, I don't actually think I got my stepdaughter's mum's phone number until probably a year and a half ago. So I was involved, but not involved. I would never communicate with her in that way unless I was dropping off and we'd speak face to face. But in the grand scheme of things, it's still my husband's responsibility. It's still on him to communicate with her and say, This is when we're gonna be dropping her off, this is when we're gonna pick her up, or we've got a holiday booked in. Can we have her on these dates? That's still on him because in the grand scheme of things, I'm just the bonus parent. I'm that, I'm the extra, not the actual. So yeah, even now I don't really communicate unless I really have to.

Katie South: 17:51

I think there's something quite protective about doing that as well. I like the way you said it's my husband's, and I thought you were pausing because you weren't gonna say problem. You were thinking, what's the word? Yeah, it's responsibility.

SPEAKER_01: 18:07

I'm quite good in that. Working with children, you have to think of other words to use that are a bit more appropriate.

Katie South: 18:15

Very diplomatic, Jess.

SPEAKER_01: 18:18

Yeah, my stepdaughter's mum. I still don't fully communicate in that way. That is like the main responsibility. That's on my husband. I've got two other children to think about in this as well. And it's you know, trying to merge all the children in my head is just mind-blowing. So yeah, tell me about it.

Katie South: 18:38

Yeah, I'm I'm very, very, very grateful for my big family, and I know how very, very lucky I am, but um it's a lot of mental load.

SPEAKER_01: 18:49

It is, it is, and I think it's you get the additional when it's a stepparent, a stepchild as well, because you've got to try and remember we've got them this weekend, which means we can then put those plans in to fit that weekend, and it is a lot, and nobody realizes it until they're in it that it is a lot. It's like planning birthdays or birthday parties. I'm planning my daughter's first birthday, and I have to work out the weekends of when we have. And is it this weekend? Or if not, I'm gonna have to get my husband a message so that we can have my stepdaughter. So, and it's exhausting because it's such an additional thing to have to remember.

Katie South: 19:31

Yeah, and it's more than just the day, isn't it? Because you've then got somebody else in the mix that you have to communicate, and even if it's relatively easy communication, it's still somebody else's life that you have to try and fit in and be mindful and considerate of. So it is really hard. And again, I've been working with some women this week who've been really quite harsh on themselves for saying they find it hard and almost making themselves the problem, like, oh, but I knew he had a child, so you know, I should. And actually, you you know they have a child, but you don't really know what that's gonna mean in terms of okay, you want to get a cheap deal on a holiday. Well, you've got to have a four-way negotiation about the dates on it. It's a lot, even when it's it relatively easy.

SPEAKER_01: 20:17

And I think I'm glad you said that because I think another point that I wanted to make was we do things as a family of four, as in stepchild not included, that I then feel the mum guilt for because I'm not including my stepdaughter, but actually I need to give myself grace in that that's okay because she doesn't miss out. She does things with her mum and her side of the family. She goes on the holidays, she goes on the days out. And I might add that her mum actually said that to me. We were booking a Trip to Warwick Castle. And it was on a certain day that she it was not our weekend. And I remember messaging her mum and saying, I was looking at booking Warwick Castle. Can I do that? Or you do you mind? Can she come along with us? And her mum said, Look, it's my weekend. I've actually got something on. Don't worry about it. She's not missing out. Go. Don't feel bad for going either. And I think I needed that because I was like, Yeah, do you know what I shouldn't feel bad for doing it? And you shouldn't feel bad for doing it because actually they don't miss out. They have their the other side that they can do things. And actually, anything they do with either family is a bonus. It's just an thing that they do.

Katie South: 21:35

So yeah, it's hard. You see a lot of people saying, Oh, you shouldn't go on holiday without your stepchildren, you shouldn't do things without them. And again, everyone's situation's different. Yeah. But I think that can again place an unrealistic burden on the woman, the stepmum, because it's generally her who's doing the organizing. And it really forces you to not only be juggling probably your work, your husband's work, your children's schedules, and when you know you can get a vaguely affordable holiday deal, but then you've got to think of somebody else and you've got to fit that in as well. So in the past, before you had that conversation with your stepdaughter's mum, were you only doing things as a five?

SPEAKER_01: 22:20

Yeah, trying to as much as possible. So there was times when we just wouldn't do things because I'd feel too bad going and doing it if she wasn't involved. It just little things like going out for dinner. Like those really simple things of just, oh, do you know what? We can afford that little dinner out now. Should we go and book it? And I'd go, yeah, but we need to do it so that we've got my stepdaughter with us so that she doesn't miss out on that dinner too. And again, that conversation was last summer. So it's only just happened. And it was then that I was like, do you know what? Like I've just booked to go and see some family. And I didn't feel guilty that my stepdaughter wasn't coming along because I know that she wouldn't miss out on that. It's not something that she needs, but that conversation happened and it made me feel better. It made me feel better knowing that she's not gonna feel sad for missing out because she's gonna be doing something fun with her mum anyway.

Katie South: 23:20

But that's where it sounds like in a lot of respects, you have a bio mum who's sensible. So if your stepdaughter goes home and goes, Oh, they all went to Warwick Castle without me, which I'm not saying she would, but you've got a mum there who's gonna say, like, well, they can't sit on their sofa every other weekend and you got to do this with me, and da da da. And actually, there are a lot of bio mums who you do hear about, and I definitely hear about in in my work with stepmums where they'll be saying, Oh, well, they're off on holiday without you. That's not very nice.

SPEAKER_01: 23:52

Yeah, and it's it's really toxic, and it's not the relationship that is an easy one to have at all. It's really not, and I do sit back and think that we are lucky to have the relationship that we've got. I've got some friends who, again, are exactly the same situation as us, and they're on like the other end of the spectrum, really, with it. It's nice to have that friend that you can vent to that knows exactly the situation that you're going through, and you can be like, oh, then this happened, and they can be like, Yeah, I know, I fully understand where you're coming from, I fully get that.

Katie South: 24:33

And I think it's really nice that we've got each other, although they're probably having it a tougher time than we are with it, and that community of support is so important because, like you say, you meet another step mum, and you just know they're gonna get it, they're gonna understand that sometimes you feel resentful, but that doesn't make you a nasty person. You still can absolutely adore your stepchild. But sometimes the situation's tough. And one thing I wanted to ask you so you've got two children with your husband who are, did you say they were five and one? Yeah, I mean he's nearly five and then a nearly one-year-old. And one thing that we hear a lot of is that you should love all of your children the same.

SPEAKER_01: 25:19

Where are you on that? I don't disagree, but I don't agree to a point. I'll be a pretty She's sitting on the fence. Yeah, no, I so I feel like so. I always said that before I had my son, that I would love my stepdaughter like my own, and then had my son, and I would say it's a different love. I love my children, and I say when somebody says, Oh, so how many children have you got? I always say, I've got two of my own, I've got a stepdaughter, I always say it, I've got three children, but it is a different kind of feeling, and I know that if my stepdaughter's mum ever listened to this, she wouldn't be like, Oh, that's horrible, or anything. I know she wouldn't, because she's got the two children and she knows what it's like to be a mother of your own children, and I would never show love differently, as in I would never show anybody that I love them more or less or anything like that, but it is a different feeling.

Katie South: 26:29

I think that's how I would describe it as well. Is that actually there will be women listening who are like, I don't love my stepchild. Maybe there's women listening who don't even like their stepchild. Like that's okay. We we get it, it's complicated. I think with people, as you were saying, you love your stepdaughter, you care for her deeply, you do all the same things for her, but it is different, and I think that's okay. Like, I I don't think anyone would expect somebody to love their stepmum in the same way they love their mum. And yeah, you know, we I think people get really caught up, or society gets really caught up in oh, well, if you don't love your stepchildren like they're your own, it they almost kind of play it out to the fact where you're presenting your children with, you know, a beautiful meal on a gold platter while your stepchild has to eat out of a dog bowl or something.

SPEAKER_01: 27:24

Like literally, I I really feel that. Like you feel like you you can't say that because of the negative impact that it's gonna bring. And actually, it's not the case. Like I said, I I will show them I love them equally, but the feeling is different 100%. It is. I, you know, I didn't carry my stepdaughter for nine months, but she was brought to me, and you know, that's a blessing. But I like to use the word bonus because it is a bonus.

Katie South: 27:53

And you've known her since she was one. So, you know, for a woman whose stepchildren might come into her life when they're nine, ten, eleven, yeah, to suddenly expect them to love them as their own, I think it's really dangerous narrative.

SPEAKER_01: 28:08

Yeah, I think that there's influence that you can have on a child that's younger. When you're having them nearly 50% of the time, your influence is there 50% of the time, especially when they're young. But when they're older, you know, it's it is a lot trickier to deal with that. Like my friend, her stepchildren were older when they came into her life. So there's only so much you can sort of put into your stepchildren then to influence that it just, yeah, it's really, it's really hard, really hard.

Katie South: 28:41

And also the situation with the mum can dictate the sort of relationship you can build with your stepchild because people say, Oh, but what happens in your house is up to you, which is true to an extent. Like you have agency over how you show up, and you have agency over some of the things that you put in place, but the other parent can have such an influence on the child that sometimes it can be really hard for the most kind, well-meaning, well-intentioned stepmum to even really build a connection because that child, through no fault of their own, has this incredible loyalty bind to mum and doesn't want that relationship, and therefore you're stuck.

SPEAKER_01: 29:22

Yes, yeah, definitely. I definitely agree. It's one of those situations where I feel like I have a certain way of parenting that might be different to my stepdaughter's mum. And so I parent my children the way that I parent my children. And again, sometimes in that case, I will say to my husband, you get involved. It's your turn to come in. Because it might be that she does parent differently to me, and in that situation, she's gonna need her dad to be like, you need to be behaving like this, because I don't want her to come round and feel like she's always being moaned at by me because I parent differently to her mum. Even now, again, when I say it's really positive, sometimes it's one of them where again, and I have to take a breath and be like, your turn, you need to come in and take over.

Katie South: 30:18

Yeah, and I think like even talking about those things is so important. So there's something which you know we have to call it, it's a lot easier to parent your own kids than to parent a stepchild. 100%.

SPEAKER_01: 30:32

I really, really do agree. It's really hard. And I think that you know sometimes you say things and you think, oh, what if she goes home and tells her mum? And it's like her mum probably wouldn't have done anything. But at the time, what if she did? What if she did? What if I said something or told her told her off for doing something? And I think now we're starting to get, well, I can do it at my mum's, but I know I have the right relationship to be like, I'll just message and ask her.

Katie South: 31:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:02

I can kind of get away with it now. Whereas really before that, I'd been like, oh no. And the the instant dread or like regret of saying something and thinking, oh no, what if she does go back and what's gonna happen? And it didn't even say anything bad, it would have just been a general thing that you kind of would say to your children.

Katie South: 31:21

It's difficult, isn't it? And even when you say she's saying, Oh at my mum's, I can do that. I'm stricter than my husband, so my kids will say, especially my daughter, will always be like, Daddy's so much nicer than you. And I'm like, honestly, it does not affect me in the slightest. I agree, I'm stricter than than both of them, yeah. But if your stepchild says, My mum's so much nicer than you, it's like it's like taking a bullet.

SPEAKER_01: 31:49

Oh, yeah, it's a dagger to the heart, fully. It's it is, and I think like now when she was, you know, she's getting to that age where she's a bit older and she wants to do things, and she'll say to me, I do that at mum's. And I'm like, Okay, we'll see. I'll speak to mum and see. But it is like if she'd have said that before, I would have been like, it's fine, go and do what you want to do.

Katie South: 32:14

Something I wanted to ask you about, which I see a lot on sort of social media and which I I see a lot of women experiencing in their lives, is a shift in your relationship with your stepchild after you had children of your own. Is that something that you found? Did your relationship change with her when you had your son?

SPEAKER_01: 32:34

It's a really good question. I don't think it did. Not that I noticed. She was a lot older, so she was seven when my son came along. She was really involved and she really wanted to help, and she really wanted to be there, and she was the best sister that she could possibly have been. It was never a burden or a negative impact. And I might add as well, her mum actually fell pregnant 12 weeks after me. So I was pregnant with my son, and then her mum got pregnant 12 weeks later with her daughter. And a lot of people go, Oh, poor stepdaughter, she went from one house to having no children to then going to both and having two. And I always fight back with that and go, Well, she would have had to have done that if she was with us permanently anyway. She's just dealt with the situation, and I think because of the way she was, I never felt like our relationship ever changed. If anything, it it only got better.

Katie South: 33:37

It's so nice to hear. And as somebody who's a decade in, and I know you've said that there are things about your story that have been easier than some others, yeah. But what do you think are the points where you've felt you really needed support from your husband?

SPEAKER_01: 33:53

I think in a lot of decision makings, so I almost just want him to make the decisions. As in if she came over and there was a situation, she was talking back or anything like that, I just want him to be like, I'll deal with it. And again, in the whole I'm stricter in my parenting than my husband, sometimes it gets missed. And then I want to pick up on the behaviours because I want to knit that in the bud, but I don't want to be the step parent that you see on all the Disney movies that are cruel and horrible. So that's the situation where I'm like, you step in, you be the, and I definitely think from his side of it, I know why he does it, and I know why he doesn't want to interfere with the behavior sometimes, and it's because he doesn't see her all the time. So he wants to be this nice parent when she's here and all of this. But at the end of the day, you're still a parent. So you still have to parent like you would your other son and daughter who are sat here? I would say that's going to be an ongoing thing forever, really. It's gonna be a thing that's gonna happen all the time because of how I am as a parent and how he is parenting her.

Katie South: 35:07

We are very different. Obviously, there's an age gap, but in in general principles, does he parent his older daughter from his first relationship different to your daughter? 100%, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 35:19

He won't mind me saying that. Yeah, he does. He does, and I I genuinely think it comes down to he doesn't want her to come here and be constantly nagged at, moaned at, you need to be doing this, you need to be doing that, because he doesn't want her to be like, you all moan at me all the time, so I'm not coming anymore. That situation. And I fully understand and I fully get it. As our children are growing and getting older, I don't want my son to see that she's getting any treatment because she's not here consistently, and he'd be like, Dad always tells me off, but he doesn't tell her off. How is that fair? Because he will get to that point. He's, you know, he's four, he will get to the point where he's like, She doesn't have to do this, but I do. So yeah, that's where I think it's the difficult part. Yeah.

Katie South: 36:09

It's really hard, isn't it? Because you you can see where it's coming from, but it's like another one of those situations where it's like, but we've got to think about all the children. Yes, yeah, definitely. Tough one. What do you think have been the factors that have really enabled you to have such a positive relationship?

SPEAKER_01: 36:30

I think the openness of how I was, although at the beginning was obviously reserved, but as the relationship grew, I was a lot more open to it, and I was a lot more like, you know what, this is this is okay. And she is a lovely little girl, and I do want her to be a part of my life. So I think that that helped my openness to the situation, my honesty. I am very honest with my partner, and I'm very open with him, and I will say if I'm struggling, and I think that's really helped. You know, he's amazing in the situation, and I think he's never seen it as that I've taken on the role as mother, because I haven't. And I think he's always seen it as you are the bonus mum. Although I say that he has he's had his moments, but in the grand scheme of things, he hasn't left all responsibility to me. If I turned around to him, you know, and said to him, I don't want to do the school runs anymore. I'm drained and I don't want to do them, he would take the morning off work and go and do him. So just honesty and openness to my husband.

Katie South: 37:32

And when you've been able to talk to him about things being difficult, has he been able to provide the real emotional support that you need? Because I see a lot of women who have complicated feelings, but as soon as they try and share them with their partner, they're a bit shut down. Oh, don't you like my kids? Don't you want them here?

SPEAKER_01: 37:50

No, not really. There are aspects that when I really, really, really want a moan and I really want a rant about things, I won't necessarily go to him. I will go to my friend who is the stepmum, who kind of will be like, I know where you're coming from. Because there's some things where I feel like I don't need to share them with my husband, where he probably won't understand. And, you know, it's the the silly things that where I just want to be like, ah, and let loose, I probably won't go to him. But he has always been really supportive. And, you know, if there was something that was a major issue, I know that I would be able to go to him and be like, this is an issue. Can you help me? And he will be there emotionally to support me in that, definitely.

Katie South: 38:37

Well, that's good. We all need a supportive partner and parenting from a place of parenting, as you say, not just avoiding everything. Um Jess, it's been so nice to talk to you. You sound like a brilliant bonus mum. I hope that people listening have enjoyed your story, and I'm really grateful for you for combining the honesty about some of the things that haven't been so easy with your positive stories.

SPEAKER_01: 39:04

I think we we do see a lot of obviously negativity about it.

Katie South: 39:08

And you know, I'm not gonna sit here and say it was all sunshine and rainbows because it really wasn't, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I think that you can get there with the honesty, the openness, and a really good stepdaughter's mum because she is she is a bonus in that, and it she's she is really understanding, and you know, so many people don't have that, and that's where the role comes in for you and your partner to get that support, to get that support from friends, from family professionals, and if anybody's listening looking for a bit of extra support, please do reach out because the worst thing you can do is is sit there stewing on your own emotions.

SPEAKER_01: 39:49

Yeah, definitely. And although I've got that, I still have feelings as a step mum, and I still have certain times where I'm like, oh, I've taken on a lot, and you do, and you you definitely need to talk about it 100%.

Katie South: 40:09

Thank you so much, Jess. I really enjoyed chatting to you, and it's so important for us to acknowledge that even when the relationship with the stepchild and the mother is good, it doesn't mean that the role is automatically easy. So much of stepfamily stress comes from the belief that you should find it easier than you do. And hearing someone speak so honestly, even 10 years in, can be a real exhale. Step parenting is hard, even when the relationships are good. And if you're finding things tricky, it's not because there's something wrong with you. It's because you're responding to a complex family system. If you would like support navigating it or working through what's going on for you, please. Please do reach out via the website stepmumspace.com or on the socials at Stepmum Space. And if Stepmum Space has been a support for you, please do rate or review the podcast wherever you listen so we can support other women. We'll be back on Friday with a bonus episode of listener questions. Till then, take care.