Lockdown Strain, Surprise Baby & Stepfamily Meltdowns: Why This Blended Family Survived

It started easy. Bowling trips. Dad’s friend. No drama.
Then came lockdown, a surprise baby, a six-person household… and the birthday card drama that changed the way they do gifts forever! 

This is more of a fairytale than scary-tale!

Clare became a stepmum unexpectedly — meeting three young children in what felt like the “easy” stage of stepfamily life. There were meals out, holidays, and the freedom of not yet being responsible for homework, bedtimes, or household routines.

And then 2020 happened.

Lockdown forced everyone into living together full-time. Homeschooling, working, navigating new roles inside what had once been her house. Not long after, a surprise pregnancy, a move, a new baby, and the reality of building a blended family of six.

In this episode, Clare shares the small but powerful moments that can catch stepmums off guard — the birthday card labelled “daughter”, the holiday that unravelled in heat and exhaustion, the invisible mental load of trying to get it right. But she’s also clear: not every wobble is a stepfamily problem. Sometimes it’s just life with teenagers, toddlers, tired parents and too-high expectations.

What makes this conversation refreshing is its honesty. Clare genuinely enjoys being a stepmum. She talks about what’s helped their blended family work: a supportive partner, flexible co-parenting, shared values across households, and creating new traditions that belong to this home.

It’s a steady, realistic reminder that stepfamily life can be positive — even when it’s full.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why stepfamily life can feel “easy” at first — and why living together changes the dynamic
• How lockdown intensified everyday pressures in blended families
• The hidden emotional load of the stepmother role (even in low-conflict situations)
• Why small moments — like birthday cards and labels — can feel disproportionately big
• How to tell the difference between stepfamily dynamics and just… normal family chaos
• Practical shifts that helped this stepfamily thrive (including holidays, room setups, and boundaries)
• What genuinely supports stepmums: partner backing, consistency across homes, and choosing battles wisely

This episode is for you if you’re a stepmum who:

• had a smooth start and then found things changed once you moved in together
• is navigating teenagers and younger children under one roof
• feels the pressure of running a home that isn’t just “yours” anymore
• has a relatively calm co-parenting situation but still finds it emotionally complex
• wants reassurance that blended family challenges don’t mean you’re failing
• needs a grounded example of stepfamily life that’s real — not dramatic, not perfect

If this episode felt reassuring or familiar, follow or subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations. And if you know another stepmum who needs a reminder that it doesn’t have to be a horror story, share this episode with her.

You can find more steady, practical support at www.stepmumspace.com

If you’ve been listening to this + recognising your own situation, but not seeing things change, this is exactly the kind of work I do inside my programme, Back in Control. It’s for stepmums who feel like they’re overthinking, adjusting, or walking on eggshells, and want things to feel calmer + more stable. The next round starts April 17th. More details in the link above, or DM me “CONTROL” on Instagram to talk it through.

Transcript

Katie South 0:00

Hi Claire, how are you today?

Clare 0:01

Good, thank you. Yeah, really well. Tell us a little bit about how you became a stepparent. Yeah, very unexpectedly. So I was single, quite happily single, out of a long-term relationship and enjoying the single life, really. Worked in a small office, and there was a group of us who used to go out after work quite a lot for drinks. We're now partner, worked for the same company, but he wasn't in that circle. He was married, had three children, so didn't really do the afterwork drinking side. Then he split up with his wife and started coming out a little bit more in the work social circle. And yeah, from there we got closer and ended up getting together not that long after he was separated, really. That was how we got together. He had three children that were, I think at the time, three, six, and nine. So all quite young. So we got together. He told his ex about this, and she was fine, but asked that we waited a year before he told the children. Which I think seemed a long time, but he didn't really agree or disagree. We just said, okay, we'll see how it goes. But we were spending more time together, and it got more difficult. He'd be at my house and they'd FaceTime him and he'd be looking for a white wall to go and answer it against. And then they'd say, Where are you? And go, I'm uh, yeah, I'm I'm in the floats. And the lies that he was telling were building up a bit. It came to the Christmas, so it was the first Christmas that they'd been separated. So he was with me, but he went round first thing in the morning on Christmas Day while they opened the presents and everything. But then his daughter, his older daughter, so he's got a younger daughter, an older daughter, and then a boy who's the eldest. She was quite upset and she was going, What did you get for Christmas? And what are you gonna do today? Because she knew he wasn't having dinner with them, and she thought he was going back to his flat on his own and had no presents, and he couldn't show her what he'd got off me. So they're all feeling sorry for him, and actually he was fine, and we had a nice day. So at that point, after that Christmas, he said, you know, I've got to tell them because this isn't actually fair. They're worried about me, and I'm fine. I'm fine. So he spoke to his ex and she agreed. So he told them and he said, you know, I've met somebody. And this was the funny thing, you don't ever say, I've met your stepmum. It was just, I've met somebody, she makes me happy, I'd like you to meet her, but whenever you're ready. And his daughter said, Can we meet her tomorrow? So this was really nice. He was like, No, she's not actually in the country. So after that, he said, they want to meet you, so then you do that, Google, what should we do? And so I sort of researched it all. I was like, we've got to do an activity, you know. We don't just want to all sit in a lounge and look at each other, we've got to go and do something. So we're like, right, go bowling. So we bought this bowling from think the week after, and he was like, They're very shy, so they probably won't talk to you. And it could be a bit awkward, but we'll just get it done. So we went bowling, and it was great. They were all really chatty, everyone got on, and I came home thinking, Well, the fuss is about step parents here. I think I've nailed that one, you know. That's it, we're done. And I think it's only later when I look back that I think that was and you're just dad's friend, then, aren't you? You're just somebody, you're not going, right? Have you done your homework? Have you made your bed or something? I think that was where it was more of a challenge. We had the bit where it was just dad's friend. I just saw them every now and again. We went for a meal, we did something nice. And then that was 2018-2019. So we had a pretty easy couple of years where everything was just quite nice. He didn't have them that much because he still only had a small flat, so he had them kind of one night a week. So we saw them at the weekend, and that was all great.

Katie South 4:12

And it's a bit like those early stages when you start dating somebody, like they get the best of you, you get the best of them, and it's all shiny and lovely. And you you all kind of, I mean, maybe them less consciously than you, but you're making a an effort, you can sort of put that extra shiny version of yourself forward.

Clare 4:32

I'd like to say it's like when you date somebody, you don't argue about who's emptying the dishwasher when you start dating. And for us, we then got forced into it because come 2020, we'd had a few good holidays, so we had spent longer periods of time together on holiday, but obviously that's different. At the start of 2020, we got the decision of what are we doing? Are we living together for this period or are we living apart? And at this point, you had your own place and he had his. He had his, yeah. So the kids had sometimes they'd all sometimes stay at my house, but they didn't have their own bedrooms or anything. It was just the odd sleepover. But we got very much forced into it. Come COVID times, we all moved into my house and they didn't even go to school. So we went from maybe seeing them once a week to we upped the amount of time that they stayed, because obviously their mum was off and having them half the week as well, and she was trying to work, so it was very little to here we all are.

Katie South 5:38

I mean, that's that's proper baptism of fire, isn't it? Yeah.

Clare 5:42

So we were me and my partner trying to work, trying to homeschool, trying, you know, like everybody, it was stressful anyway, trying to keep jobs and everything. And I think that's the bit because then when you're living together, and in what was my house as well, you then become more parenty because you've got to start having them tidy up after themselves or go to bed on time. Have you had a shower? Have you brushed your teeth? So you become that parent, and I think everyone moves at different stages with that. And I think that's where we we'd had these two years where I thought, step parenting's easy, and then all of a sudden you're like, uh.

Katie South 6:25

Oh yeah, I feel you on that. I guess at that time they were what, like six, nine, and twelve.

Clare 6:29

Yeah, the eldest had just started high school, so he'd done his first term in high school, but the youngest was still, I think about six. So, you know, homeschooling a six-year-old, we got a new respect for teachers because we were just like, I have no idea how you do this. You couldn't get on with a work like the others, and obviously, we're trying to work.

Katie South 6:51

It was such a weird situation for everybody. It was a really stressful situation for parents, but to go from your situation of living your best life, really, having all the all the bonuses of being a parent without a lot of the hard stuff, and then suddenly you've gone right straight into the really difficult bit. From what you said so far, it sounds like your partner's ex has generally been supportive, neutral, positive.

Clare 7:20

Yeah. She's really nice. We get on. We see each other when we drop off kids, pick up kids, any organising my partner does with her. So he'll ask me, What do you want to do about this? and he'll speak to her. But they get on well. We have set days that she has them, that we have them, but everyone's pretty flexible. So if somebody needs to change, we change. Sometimes for our benefit, sometimes for the kids. If we're doing something on a Saturday night that we think they might want to do, and it's meant to be her night, we'll say, Should we have them? Because we're doing this, and vice versa. She'll say, you know, I'm out for a family meal. Should I take them because they'll probably enjoy that more? So all that works really well.

Katie South 8:02

That's so nice because there are so many situations where people are so dictated by rigorous schedules, and it doesn't always work for the kids. So it's nice that you're both in that situation where you're like, oh, we're doing this, the kids would like to come, and there's not that sense of it's my time, it's my time. Obviously, there's some families where this isn't possible because of various high conflict or court situations. But generally, I think when parents stop looking at it as my weekend or your weekend and start looking at it as the child's weekend, that really helps in terms of what are they going to enjoy doing? Let's let them do that.

Clare 8:38

Yeah, and I think that is the double-edged, isn't it? You don't want it to become a competition of, well, we're going to do this, so do you want to be with us? It's ours is more, you know, a few weeks ago, um, their mum's side had a family meal for uh a fourth, a 40th sort of family members 40th, and she just said they're invited. Should I take them? And you kind of go, well, we're not doing anything. I think it was the first Saturday after Christmas, so you're like, well, we're not going anywhere. So do we want them to sit in our house and watch TV or Yeah, they're gonna enjoy going out more, so that's fine. So we quite often do that. There's a lot of changes coming our way at the moment. The eldest is 18 now, so there's only a limited amount of time he's actually gonna travel in this set days sort of way, because he's got a girlfriend now, he's got mates, he's already starting to do his own thing. And his eldest daughter's 15 now, so she's got a good social life. So quite often they're here on a Saturday, but actually it's just can you drop me off here or can I stay at my friends? So it's very much a mixed bad now of who actually stays and when, because they've got their own lives, you can't sort of go, You must stay here every Saturday because that's what's agreed kind of thing.

Katie South 9:49

I think that's so important to realise, and it's nice by the sounds of it that you live fairly close to their mum, so that they can't see their friends at whichever house they're at, because obviously that gets a lot harder when you're further away. So take me back to lockdown. You've gone from this one life of holidays and days out, and everything's nice, and you're thinking this is a breeze. What is everyone on about?

Clare 10:11

And then lockdown hits. You don't get these people that say lockdown was brilliant. We weren't those people, we just got all the shit of lockdown, all the work. My partner had a team that was furloughed, so he was the only one. My job was just dead, but we're trying to make the most of it, and so we were really stressed with that, and then trying to homeschool in the midst of it, and we do work quite hard, and so the holidays, the days out are all the bits that we enjoy, and they'd gone, so we're just like, we've got all the crap and none of the fun at the moment. And then mum, she wasn't working at the time because her job had to shut down. So at the mum's, they were going, Oh, we're having barbecues and we're going for walks, and isn't all this COVID stuff great? And we're like tearing our hair out as the most stressed-out people in the world. And I did feel then that they maybe didn't as much enjoy being at our house because we were just so on edge with it all, and I think that's difficult because that adds another level of stress that we were then trying to make it fun whilst also trying to keep everything else turning.

Katie South 11:20

And in that time, were they with you 50-50?

Clare 11:24

I think we were doing two nights a week at the time, paper spray. We'd sort of upped it because pre-COVID, he was still only having them one night a week because of the housing situation. So, yeah, I think we had them between two and three days a week at the time.

Katie South 11:39

So that's a jump in itself, anyway, to go from once a week to two, three times a week and then add in the homeschooling and you're trying to do your jobs and and for me, I probably didn't even see them once a week at the time.

Clare 11:51

It was probably once every other week or something, depending on what we were doing and what I had on and things. Got through that bit and actually did decide that we did want to live together. So we decided to sell the house and buy a house all together. Do you think we did actually look at whether we extended my house at the time and then it wasn't possible? But I think the right decision was to move because this is now everybody's house, not I think that always would have been seen as my house, whereas where we moved to is we all bought it together. But we don't read things by halves. So in 2021, we also found out I was pregnant, which wasn't planned. So that was a bit of a shock, and we found out really late, and he was born early, so we had very little time to get our heads around that. We were already in the process of moving house, and we bought a new build which wasn't built, so we had to move into a rented house in the meantime, but that was also delayed. So we lived with my parents for a while, still in COVID times. Then we lived in this rented house, then we finally moved into the new house, and my son had been born by then. By the beginning of 22, we had my son and a new house that you know was everybody's. So that felt like we've done it. It's been a bit of a challenge, but things are on the up, I think. And when my son was born, my partner's kids absolutely love him, and now he's four now, and he adores them. So that I think that, although it wasn't planned, that was what really cemented us as a family. And I think made my place not the outsider anymore more. There's something that connects all of us now. And yes, the way they are with him is just amazing. They don't see him as half-brother or anything, he's just their annoying little brother now.

Katie South 13:45

As a little brother should be. Wow, that is a whirlwind. Well, like I say, we don't do things by half in our family. And then since you've got into your house, what, three or four years ago now, how's life been? Mainly good.

Clare 14:00

I think there's always little things that throw you. You think everything's going really smoothly. So they're living here from March. My youngest stepdaughter's birthdays in the summer. So she must have been about seven-ish. Seven, eight. So it was her birthday. We thought everything was ticking along, we're all great. And then you know, I think as most women in relationships, I do most of the gift buying. So I'd sorted all her presents out, particularly because she's got girly things as well. So I'd done the presents, wrapped the presents, done a nice meal for a birthday, sorted out a cake. My partner, he had to do the card. So I was like, you get the card, everything else is done.

Katie South 14:40

But people who are listening, as soon as I hear, all he had to do is get the card and head in hands, thinking, Oh god, please tell me he got the card.

Clare 14:48

He got the card, so we we get the presents, we've put them all out, everything's ready to go. And she opens the present, and then she opens the card, and she just looks at this card, and he's got a card that said daughter on it. So she opens the card, he's obviously put it off both of us, and she's the card and she oh this and the presents must just be off you then because it says daughter. With hindsight, I think it was just a bit of a smarter pants of taking the literal meaning, but it's like so hurt because I done all of this, put so much effort into it, and just felt like it was all thrown back in my face, and then to him, I was just like one job, the card, and all hell broke loose over a card. And at the end of the day, you just start looking at it thinking, how did that happen?

Katie South 15:40

And you know what? They don't think about things in the same way. So guaranteed he wouldn't have thought, oh well, what how will she react to that? He would have thought, Oh, I'm getting a card for my daughter, go to the daughter section, pick up the daughter card. Yep, that'll do, pay for the card, leave. And the research will back it up to the high heavens, but all of this lived experience just shows why it's so much harder and more draining being a stepmum. Because if you had gone in there, you would have probably been like, right, well, it's his daughter, so I don't want to make her feel like she's not important, but I know that she's not mine, so I don't want to tread on her mum's toes. So should I get one that says someone special? No, that sounds a bit formal. Should I get one with her age on and like really go through it to like, okay, what's gonna be like the path of least resistance on a birthday card?

Clare 16:29

And it's those things that I do know what, even if he'd have shown me the card, I probably wouldn't have even picked it up because I think we were just on a everything was going quite smoothly, and it was just a card, you know, but you don't always realise that something like that can be the thing that just tips it. What did you do? We were meant to be going out that day. They the girls had a dance thing that we were all meant to be going to, and it's just I didn't go, he went. And he did speak to her, and she said, Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, and I don't think she did. I think it was just that being a bit of a smart seven-year-old or whatever, going it says daughter, almost trying to make a joke, maybe, but I didn't take it well. It just was one of those things that I think just in a stepfamily, it just all went a bit wrong on the day. We don't buy cards with daughter or son on any while we can. We spend way too much time looking at cards now, trying to make sure they're not offensive.

Katie South 17:31

Yeah, because the other thing is, even if there was a card, I've never seen one, but I'm sure someone can DM me a photo of one if you've seen one. But even if there was a card that said to my daughter and stepdaughter, then it's like you're being really cold by saying So it's it is oh my gosh, it's like a minefield. And people who don't have stepchildren, it's like another one of those little things that's really loaded that adds to your mental capacity and emotional capacity because you're almost foreseeing what, if any, fallout there will be really hard, isn't it? And people don't understand.

Clare 18:06

And I think I've heard it on here before about that the explanation of stepmum and when you explain that, because we've had it, loads of people assume and them um when we're out, and they'll say, Your daughter, and you they don't really care, so you don't want to go, actually, she's not my daughter, she's my stepdaughter, because it's not really relevant, and it does sound a bit cold, like oh my god, don't think she's mine, but then sometimes you feel like you you should explain. And we had it on a plane a while ago. I was like two toilets on the plane, and my youngest stepdaughter had gone into one, and then the other one came free, so I'd gone in there, and I heard the cabin crew lady say when she came out, oh, your mummy's just gone in there, and then she did wait for me, and then when I came out, I thought I can't really go back five minutes later to this cabin crew lady and go, by the way, she's not actually your daughter. What do you do in that situation? I don't want her to think I'm trying to be her mum, but also this woman doesn't care. She was just telling her where I am, she really doesn't need to know our family history now.

Katie South 19:08

And I think I've talked about it on this podcast as well, like how we can sometimes over-explain to any children, stepchildren or otherwise. I had with my son from my first marriage, and when it was my husband's birthday and I was getting cards from like our children, I said to my older son, Oh, do you want me to get you one? They love football and they love comedy. So I was like, Shall I just get you like a funny football one? And he looked at me and he was like, Am I not allowed to sign the same one as the others? And I'm like, No, of course you are, but I don't, you know, you've got a dad, and I don't want you to feel like I'm like pushing another one on you. So you think about it both ways as well. And sometimes, and it'll depend on the child and the stage and everything around the sensitivity. Sometimes I'd found it easy when they were younger to just put a couple of cards out and be like, pick a card and sign it, you know.

Clare 19:58

Pick a card, any card. Yeah, we have that with presents, because I so if it's my birthday, I'll get a present of my son, it's a mummy, and I get a present of my partner's kids. They have a nickname for me, so they'll send that. Then when it's my partner's birthday, I'm like, what do I do? Because you're all of their dads, so now I just get one present and go, look, it's off all of them. Yeah, and one card. There's no real need for my son to send a card separate to the others, because he's all of their dads. But yeah, that bit's always a bit of a mile field, and then sometimes his ex-wife will get him a present off his kids. Then I'm like, Do I need another present off our son?

Katie South 20:38

So what are we doing? How was the rest of the settling in in your new home?

Clare 20:44

Good in the main, there's always challenges, and I think I'd lived on my own, so I like things just so. I like the house to be nicer, and suddenly you're living with a whole bunch of kids, and there's cups left everywhere, and little things, cups not on posters, and pots left everywhere, and suddenly there was a bigger period of time that I just felt like the housekeeper. And I used to say to my partner, I just work all day and then I start my night shift because I just seem to tidy up and cook and clean up after everybody. And I think that took a bit of getting used to and everybody getting used to each other's ways. Because I'm probably quite different to their mum in many ways, and she's more used to kids than I am. I'm a bit more used to just to have everything nice. And I think our first kind of following on from the COVID bit, we went on holiday mid-2022. So kind of the first holiday after COVID, the first holiday with my son. So he was only six, seven months old at the time.

Katie South 22:32

I mean, it's not really a holiday, is it?

Clare 22:35

It wasn't. It wasn't a holiday at all. It was a complete misjudgment because all the holidays we'd done pre COVID, because we were already five people before my son, we used to always get our Apartments or a villa, kind of eat in during the day, go out for meals in the evening, just make like some sandwiches for lunch or something. And we'd always got like a two-bedroomed place. So the girls had had up a room, me and my partner had a room, and my stepson had tend to stay on the sofa bed in the lounge. So post-COVID, we went, we'll do that again. I actually booked it before my son was born, so we'd been looking forward to this holiday for ages. We hadn't had a holiday for coming up to three years then. So we booked the same thing, nice apartment. Off we went. And what we hadn't realised was my stepson pre-COVID had been 10. So in the morning, he dived out of bed and off we wanted to go to the pool. Now we had a teenager on our hands who wasn't getting up first thing. And we'd put on a sofa bed in the lounge when we had a baby that was up at six in the morning wanting feeding. So he's in bed in the lounge. I'm up at six, marching into the kitchen area to try and do bottles and stuff, and it was just a nightmare. He was grumpy because I was waking him up. We'd no sooner got down to the pool and the baby needed feeding, so I was back up to the room to feed the baby. Then we'd go back and have to make lunch for them, and the whole thing. I just felt like I didn't stop making food for the whole time. There was a heat wave while we were there. So all the kids were moaning, it's too hot, it's too hot. And you know, we were thinking, we've paid for this and nobody's enjoying it. And then we went one night for a drink on the marina in this little bar. They moaned all day that it was too hot. And then we sat outside this bar, just got a drink, and they went, It's a bit cold. Can we go back? And you know, he's like, What temperature do you want it to be? And I just remember I just snapped, and I think it was partly, you know, the stress. Obviously, some was only little, so it's still the hormones, and it was just like to my partner, just take them back to the room, just take them back. And I just remember I just walked up and down the main street with the Pram, just thinking, what the hell? Why are we doing this? We'd so look forward to this, and it was just a complete misjudgment that, to be fair, probably had nothing to do with being a step-family, was just family problems. And I think sometimes you see things as step-family problems, and actually they're just problems with teenagers or toddlers or whatever. It's nothing to do with me being their step-mum, it's just to do with they're too hot or too tired or whatever.

Katie South 25:20

But I wonder whether you then gave yourself a bit of a hard time about having said that.

Clare 25:25

Absolutely, you do, you feel guilty, and I did. You know, you're not bad to think I could have handled it better, but you were just like, you've moaned all day, it's too hot. We're literally sat here now, I've just got a glass of wine, about to relax. The baby's asleep. This is the first time all day I've actually relaxed. So you go, can we go? It's too cold.

Katie South 25:44

I really hope that when you were walking your buggy up and down the seafront, you still had your glass of wine in your hand.

Clare 25:50

No, no wine, just a walk up and down this little promenade bit, looking at all the people, having a good time and thinking, why isn't that us? But do you know what? It was it actually worked out. It was a lesson learnt. And bizarrely, at the end of the holiday, because it was still COVID times and things were a bit up in the air, our flight was cancelled. And because it was a package holiday, they put us up in this all-inclusive place, and they didn't have a room big enough, so we had to put the older two children in a room of their own, and we had one with the younger children, and we just got there and we were like, This is what we're gonna do in the future. The self-catering's gotta go, it's too much work. This is a way forward. So we we did that for one night, two days, and then we came back. And because there's so many of us, this is supposed to be six people, you get a certain amount of money back for the delay for each person. We got pretty much the whole holiday back, and so me and my partner booked an adult only all-inclusive and went away together to the two of us.

Katie South 26:50

Amazing. I'm clapping and cheering.

Clare 26:52

Left all the kids, some with grandparents and and his with their mum, and we're like, right, we're going away. And since then, we've done two rooms. The older kids have a room, we have a room, and that's worked much better. So I think it is, it's you just have to adapt, don't you? We've got that problem now of they're in such different ages that you've got to try and find something that kind of accommodates everybody. That's the other thing with like holidays. I keep trying to book them, and like every time I say to my partner, because you know, you don't know when it's the last family holiday, do you? So it gives me excuses to book holidays, and then he goes, I think they're gonna come as long as we're paying.

Katie South 27:31

Yeah. Somebody said that to me the other day. Your kids will still go on holiday with you as long as you're paying and it's something that they'll like to do. Yeah. And then you'll be paying for their girlfriend or boyfriend soon as well.

Clare 27:41

Yeah, yeah. His eldest has already got a girlfriend, so we're already a little bit in that territory. But you know, I think that's probably our next challenge. It's that they're not gonna keep travelling between houses forevermore. Lucas 18 is probably going to uni later this year. And I think that that worries me a little bit for my son, because he loves them so much. And I know they're probably not gonna be here as much in the future because they are gonna get their own lives, you know, as they should. They're not gonna be nearly 30 and still staying here three nights a week. There is just gonna be more of that and more things that we do separately. My stepson went away with his girlfriend last summer, and the two girls went away with their mum on their own. So as he starts booking things separately, it will just become a bit of a different setup.

Katie South 28:31

And you talked about you, the holidaying as a six, and then you and your husband doing things just the two of you. Do you ever do things just the three of you with your son?

Clare 28:40

Yeah, that's another difficult one. We're going away next week, just the three of us. Make us jealous where he's going. We go to Thailand next week. Yeah, can't wait. We did last year, we had a holiday, just the three of us, and we are doing this year. Do you feel a bit guilty about it? So my son will go to school in September. So he does preschool now, but obviously he can be off in term time. So we've made the most of that and booked Thailand for term time. But I think once my son goes to school and we're tied to school holidays, we couldn't really go away in a school holiday and say, we're off, you're staying here. So we get away with it at the moment because they're in school. But I think this is probably the last one that'll be just the three of us. Unless of us are there away with their mum, if we tie it in at the same time, we could maybe do that.

Katie South 29:33

And without worrying about what anyone might think or even judging yourself, would you like to carry on having holidays just the three of you?

Clare 29:40

It's a difficult question. I don't know that I would, to be honest. I mean, it's cheaper. Six people, they're all grown-up, so they're not you paid adults' prices for them. Do you know what? If I'm really honest, it's easier when they're there because they all look after my son. So they'll all play in the pool with him, and I sit on the sun lounger and read a book. So actually, it's like taking built-in childcare. I hear you. It does make life a lot easier, and they're older, so it's not like the holiday we went on in the summer. They had their own room, they do their own thing. We meet them for breakfast, spend the day together, go for lunch, but then they go back to their own room. And I loved that because their room is a shit tit. But it's not my problem. It used to drive me mad when I can see it. I pick that up, put that away, and I just purposely on the last holiday, I was like, I'm not getting involved. I'm gonna go in, and if your stuff's all over the floor and I think you're gonna leave it under the bed or lose it, I'm not getting involved. It's your room, it's your mess, it's your creased clothes, it's fine. And it was great, I just left them to it.

Katie South 30:47

So that's definitely the way forward. Do you feel the same when they're in their room in your house at home? No, that drives me mad.

Clare 30:55

My stepson's fine, his room's fine. The girls, it's that's it. Dirty clothes go back in the drawers. I go through the drawers, and that's dirty, that's stained. That drives me a little bit mad. Yeah, and I think I'll drive them mad with that. Go, make your bed, tidy that up, move that. Why's the dirty washing there? Why is that under the bed?

Katie South 31:14

You obviously feel comfortable asking them to do those things. Do you have the support of your partner? Will he back you up in those types of situations?

Clare 31:23

Yeah, he does. He's good. I think it's a teenage girl thing, isn't it? And it's exactly the same at their mum's house. She'll say exactly the same, and she goes on at them, you've got crisp papers left all over the place, and that is an argument we do have with them. It's a face, isn't it? And it'll pass, but yeah, it drives me mad. And I don't know what the answer to that one is. I do feel like I'm nagging them. And sometimes I'll say to my partner, can you have a word? Can you spell them? It doesn't get any better.

Katie South 31:52

I know it's not always a walk in the park, but you seem to have really enjoyed your experience of step-parenting.

Clare 32:01

Yeah, I would say that. I think I'm an only child, so I'm not from a big family, and now there's six of us. And a point like that, every day's a party when they're here. We've got enough people. It's good fun. Uh, we have a lot of laughs, a lot of good times, and the usual problems. And like I say, we do have ups and downs, and yeah, some things that are just family problems and some that are more step-family specific. But I think on the May, it's been good. I've got a great family out of meeting my partner, and I probably wouldn't have had four kids, but I quite like that. I've got the girls as well. Because obviously I've got a boy that's my son, but I like hanging out with the girls. We go shopping together and go and watch the girly films at the cinema or whatever, and I quite like that. I'm glad I've got girls as well as boys. So, yeah, it has overall been a really positive thing.

Katie South 32:54

What do you think are some of the things that have facilitated that experience for you?

Clare 32:59

My partner's really good. He tends to take on board what I want as well. And if we've changed things over the years, you know, we've changed things about days where I've gone, you know, this just isn't working. And we'll change things. I think his relationship with his ex really helps, that they're both really reasonable people. So we're not fighting over stuff all the time. They are very much on the same page as each other with things like schoolwork, behaviour. So there's no playing one off against the other. You know, the roles are pretty much the same here and at mum's house. And they know if they do anything, dad will talk to mum, mum will talk to dad. So I think that's really helped because you hear so many horror stories, and they're mainly related to ex-wives, bio parents. And I think that bit, because we haven't had to navigate huge issues there, has allowed me to build a relationship with the children and us to build a family in our own way. We have tried quite hard as well, because I've read things like I was quite determined to do it. One thing I read was you have to start new traditions, not just be an add-on to what they used to do. We've got to do things our way. So I've really tried to do some of that. And you know, we have little things now that we do here, like really little things, like we have a particular Christmas Day breakfast, and that's our thing. You know, we always go to the same place to get it, and that's our Christmas Day breakfast. Little things like that that I think are just like important.

Katie South 34:30

There are those cultural, like you say, traditions that are special and almost cement you guys as a group, and that's what we do in this house, and and I think it's really nice. Yeah.

Clare 34:42

No, and I think all of us have had to put effort in, the kids as well. I get that it's hard for them sometimes because they live between both houses. They've got these bags that they flop backwards and forwards, and sometimes I moan at them. I'm like, well, you've not even unpacked the bag, all your clothes are getting creased. Well, then I do a lot of travel for work, and sometimes you just can't be arsed unpacking. You go in there again tomorrow. And I kind of try and sit back and think, do you know what? I've never done this. I've never had to travel between two houses in that way. So, do you know what? If they don't want to unpack it, it's not my clothes, just leave them to do it. I think I've gotten better at that over the years of going, do you know what? Picture battles.

Katie South 35:20

Yeah, for sure. And I think if you're operating in an environment where you can do that, then it's so much easier on your nervous system to not be going into bat on everything.

Clare 35:31

Yeah, sometimes I just take the bags up and dump them in the bedroom and think, just leave it, just go. I always wonder what my son thinks, because we can be any number of people in this house at one time. So I do work away quite a lot. My partner's sometimes away from work. So my son can go from being just him and his dad, the two of them, you know, boys' night, and then the next day there could be six of us. And then one of the girls might be at their friends, or my stepson at his girlfriends, or whatever. Yeah, you never quite know who's going to be here when. But I think that that probably keeps it interesting for him. They were at their mum's for a couple of days this week, and we've got some pictures in the kitchen, and he was at the picture going, Mummy, do you know who I miss? And then he's pointing at them, and I don't think he'd love it if they just lived here all the time.

Katie South 36:18

You know, when we had our little ones, we thought so much about should we do this? What's the effect gonna be on the older children? And I did think about the younger ones missing them, but I didn't realise how acutely they would feel it. I'll say a lot. Is Arthur gonna be home when we get home? And I'm like, Oh no, he's with his daddy today, and their little faces drop, and you know, it's it's hard, but they have that, and they also have a very happy family, so there's enough to feel guilty about as a step-parent. You don't need to feel guilty about that.

Clare 36:47

Yeah, and I you know, the younger girl is is closer in age to him, so he has a really different relationship with all of them. Like they play together, they'll play fights, more that jokey relationship, and then the older girl he is more like a second mum to him. She looks after him, and then with his brother, he just idolizes him. It's uh the football, the motor racing, all of that with him. So he has a different relationship with each of them, which is really nice. And we've just got to the stage where they can look after him. So pre-Christmas, we uh we went out just for a couple of hours, my partner and I and left the older ones in charge of the younger ones. We were like, This is prison, we can do what we want now.

Katie South 37:26

Claire, what really strikes me when you're talking about this is you're just so smiley about it.

Clare 37:33

That's why I wanted to share because I think there's a lot of horror stories, and I I like to think we're not a horror story. The kids might disagree. If you interview them, they have a totally different view on this.

Katie South 37:44

No, not at all. And I think it's really nice. You know, I always say fairy tales and scary tales and everything in between. And as you said, like it's lovely that you have got so much positivity out of being a stepmum, and it's lovely that your stepkids have also benefited. And I think the key things that you pulled out is your partner having your back and the ex allowing or encouraging the children to have a relationship with you. So it's so good that you're there. And anybody who's listening who's not there, please don't take that blame on you because it's a really complicated system, and it's brilliant that you've made it work so well, Claire. And um really, really nice to talk to you. So thank you very much.

Clare 38:25

Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's been a pleasure.