Stepmum Anxiety: When the Kids Are Fine but the Co-Parenting Isn’t

When the kids are settled and your home is calm… but one message from the ex derails your whole week.

This episode is for the stepmum who’s tired of walking on eggshells and carrying the emotional load. 

Resources mentioned in this episode

Back in Control — 6-Week Live Group for Stepmums
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells or overfunctioning just to keep the peace, Back in Control is a small, live 6-week group designed to help you feel steadier, clearer, and more in control of your response even when the co-parenting system around you isn’t stable.

You can register your interest here

1:1 Coaching — Personalised Support for Stepmums
If you’d prefer more tailored support, I also work privately with stepmums who want focused, psychologically informed coaching around boundaries, emotional regulation, and navigating complex stepfamily dynamics.

You can find out more here

Sometimes the hardest part of stepfamily life isn’t blending children. It’s living inside a co-parenting system that doesn’t feel steady — even when your home is.

In this episode of Stepmum Space, Katie is joined by Carly, who shares a story many stepmums will recognise: a warm, connected home life… alongside persistent tension and criticism from an ex-partner that can undo your sense of calm in a single message.

Carly talks openly about what it’s like to be in a blended family where the children get on well, routines are working, and relationships are strong — yet the co-parenting dynamic remains unpredictable and controlling. You’ll hear about the emotional impact of constant messages, the pressure to overfunction to keep the peace, and what happens when conflict escalates into legal proceedings around school choices and child arrangements.

This is not a “how to win” episode. It’s a grounding conversation about what you can control, how to protect your home from outside noise, and why you’re not weak for finding it hard. If you’ve ever thought, “Why does this still get to me?” — you’ll feel very seen here.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why you can have a calm home and still feel constantly on edge
• How “walking on eggshells” shows up in stepfamily dynamics (even when the kids are fine)
• What overfunctioning looks like — and why it’s so tempting in blended family life
• The emotional toll of co-parenting conflict and repeated criticism
• How to protect your internal steadiness when external drama keeps landing in your space
• A grounded reminder of what’s within your control (and what isn’t)

This episode is for you if you’re a stepmum who…

• feels anxious before handovers, messages, or contact
• is exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy
• keeps questioning yourself because the ex is always “finding a problem”
• feels protective of the children and frustrated by the system around them
• wants to feel steadier, clearer, and less emotionally hijacked by stepfamily dynamics

 This conversation speaks directly to stepmum struggles in real life — the emotional labour, the stepmother role, and the invisible pressure of stepfamily dynamics. If you’re navigating blended family challenges where communication with an ex is difficult, controlling, or unpredictable, this episode offers calm, psychologically informed support for supporting stepmums without minimising what you’re carrying. 

Head to stepmumspace.com to book your free clarity call

Transcript

Katie South 0:05

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. One of the hardest stepfamily dynamics isn't when the kids don't blend, it's when they do, but the co-parenting system doesn't. When the children are happy, your home feels steady, and yet one message from the ex can derail your entire week. In this episode, Carly shares what it's like to live in that tension. We talk about walking on eggshells, overfunctioning to keep the peace, court battles, and the emotional cost of trying to do everything right. If you've ever found yourself thinking, why does this still get to me? Stay with this one. So, Carly, how nice to see you. How are you doing today? Yes, I'm good, thank you. How are you? Yeah, really well, I was gonna say really good, but before we were recording, we've just been discussing how we're both feeling a bit under the weather. It's that time of year, so I'm okay, but I'm armed with a hot drink, as I think are you? Yes. So when I got your voice note, I was so interested to hear your dynamic because it's quite different to anything we've had on the show before. So, do you want to kick off with how you ended up getting to where you are today?

Carly 1:32

Yes. So, as with modern dating, we met on a dating app. And with dating apps, you only see each other's first names. So we met very quickly after matching on an app. So it was the next day. We hadn't been speaking for long. And when we met and we started to talk about our families and our children, things started to come out that there were crossovers and we sort of knew each other. So basically, I have a nine-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. My partner has a nine-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. And when he started to talk about his children and share names and things, I thought, oh, I've met his daughter before. So it's really interesting when I went to a baby group with my son, who's the same age as his daughter, but his ex-wife and his daughter actually went to the same baby group and we did spend time together. I'd never met him, so hence I had no idea of the connection. But they had been to my house, I'd done baby parties for Halloween and things, and we had spent time together. I even had photos of them together when they were babies. It wasn't what I would call a friendship with his ex-wife at the time. It was just sort of we were in a big group of baby group friends. So we had that initial, wow, that's really strange that we knew each other indirectly back then. We then started talking about their schools that they go to. And I said, or my my sister is a teacher at the local school in your village. And he said, Oh, my children go to that school in the village. And then it transpired that my sister was actually teaching his son at the time, and he now teaches his daughter. So yeah, it was a bit strange.

Katie South 3:11

There are a few crossovers. That's amazing, really, that you had that connection before you even met. And I can just imagine the moment where you're like, oh, okay.

Carly 3:22

Yeah, I think the moment for both of us was when I was like, I am going to dig out a picture and show you that these babies have been together when they were tiny babies. And when we found the photo of them in their little Halloween costumes together, it was just the strangest thing.

Katie South 3:37

And it's funny because when you meet people in that group, you're kind of, I was talking about it with a friend and I said it's a really weird environment because you just kind of become friends with people because you're like lactating at the same time. Absolutely. You may not have a lot in common or you may become best friends. So you already knew his ex at that time, obviously, they were together. Did you ever have any insight that all might not be rosy in their marriage?

Carly 4:00

No, and I think now that I see another side to her and I see her in a different role, I think I understand why I would have never known that there was any marital issues. I think she's very much the kind of person that likes everything to look like it's all tied together quite neatly in a bow to the outside world. But equally, that was very early on when they just become parents for the first time. So I don't think there were any issues in their marriage at that point, to be honest.

Katie South 4:25

So you're on your first date and you realize that actually your children have already met each other in babyhood. How did things progress from that first date?

Carly 4:35

Really, really quickly. It's such a cliche of there was just an instant connection. I had been on the dating apps on and off for a few years. He and his ex-wife have been separated for 18 months. You know, we both had done all of the dating, and I think we were both quite excited by the fact that actually it's a genuine connection here, and we got on really well. When our children was being similar ages, I think it just naturally progressed quite quickly, which was really lovely. So yeah, it went quite quick from there, really. So I think the one thing that was a bit concerning to my partner was the fact that my sister was his child school teacher and you know the boundaries around that and what challenges that might bring. But we kind of thought it's early days, we don't need to worry about that at the moment. So, did you ask your sister for a bit of insight? Of course I did. I said, What's this family like? You know, not breaking confidentiality, but you just give me the nod, are they okay? Are they not? And she said they were a lovely family, so it's fine.

Katie South 5:33

Oh, good. Because I guess you've got the other thing. When you're bringing two sets of kids together and you know there's a connection, this is gonna go somewhere, you've got to think about the influences that the other children are gonna bring on your children, and that's something that when you're already a biological mum, you've got to take seriously.

Carly 5:49

Absolutely, yes, yeah, for sure. I think it was lovely that the children were similar ages, so we already had that on our side. We thought, well, that's a good head start, really. So, how did the relationship progress? We were very much, we want to take it slow and we don't want to rush anything. He had dated a lot, but he hadn't been in a relationship since his marriage. I had been in relationships before, but I was taking it at his pace in terms of what he felt comfortable in terms of children. We did introduce the children to each other quite quickly, very casual, just bumped into each other in the park as you do, and they loved each other immediately. And then they were very much, when can we see each other again? And then because it started to move quite quickly, we decided we weren't gonna do the whole, I'm just daddy's friend, or he's just mummy's friend. We were gonna be honest and say, you know, we're dating. And then we were very much led by the children. So we met for the first time in October. They spent New Year's Eve at my house and we did a party for them, and they wanted to stay over, so all of a sudden we're putting up airbeds and things, and they're staying over, and it all just went quite quickly from there. Within the first year, he moved into my house, which was lovely, and that was his daughter's idea. So he was in the process of buying his own house. I own my house with my children, and she just said one day, why have we got to have two houses? Why can't we just live at Carly's house? And we sort of stopped and looked at each other and thought, Yeah, why? Why are we not doing that? And then we started to have more serious conversations about it. And it wasn't something you'd been talking about before she raised it. Well, it was funny because when we actually had the honest conversation over a few glasses of wine, it transpired we had both been thinking it, but he didn't want to say anything because it was my house and he didn't want to put me in that position. I knew that he was excited about living on his own and owning his own home. So I didn't want to sort of derail his plan. But actually, once I bought it up, he was like, Oh, I'm so glad you said that because I was thinking the same thing.

Katie South 7:51

It's a funny one, isn't it, with houses and timing and when do you do it? And a lot of people do find themselves in the position where they're going to buy a separate house, but actually it makes sense to move in together, you know, for so many reasons. And there's always that question of how are the kids going to be about it? Is it gonna be too soon? All of those things, and also them moving into your house.

Carly 8:13

Yes, yeah, which I think that was probably the part that I overlooked a little bit. I was so focused on making it feel like it was their home that I overlooked the adjustment that my children would be going through. So yeah, there were teething problems for sure. So it's a three-bed house, there's six of us. So it just worked out quite well that there's two boys, two girls. So they shared my son's room, the two boys, and two girls shared my daughter's room. Initially, it was obviously really exciting. They had new bunk beds, and you know, we bought them all new things to make them feel really comfortable. I did have a conversation with my children initially and said, Are you happy to share your bedroom? And you know, it's now going to be two people's bedroom, not just yours. They were really excited. So initially, the excitement took over. And actually, I would say that it's not actually children that have caused us any problems in terms of integrating lives. It has been the ex-wife. Even now, we get messages saying that my children wake her children up in the morning, my children have are treated better than her children. And it's really disappointing because I feel like I've actually prioritized my stepchildren's needs to really compensate and make sure that they feel welcome in our home. So when you're receiving messages like that, it's really disappointing. So, yeah, the actual integrating of our children has been lovely and it's been natural, and we have a lovely, lovely family life and they get on beautifully, it is these ex-wife that we have problems with.

Katie South 9:49

Oh gosh. So it's obviously brilliant to hear that the kids are all getting along well, everything's going brilliantly. It's a lot for anybody to suddenly have to start sharing their room. So amazing that they coped so well with that. And I guess because you were in the dynamic where sometimes there's six of you, presumably, sometimes there's four of you, sometimes there's just the two of you. Everyone does get a little bit of space. And you said there that the problems had come from the ex. So it takes back to when she found out that you were dating her ex-husband.

Carly 10:22

So unfortunately, we bumped into each other rather than us have the chance to have a conversation with her. We bumped into each other with her boyfriend at the time. She's not with him anymore. So I think there was an initial sort of shock, but I was very friendly. I was just as I normally would be if I'd bumped into her and I was trying to make it not as awkward. And actually, it was fine initially. She would text me directly if she couldn't get hold of my partner. I wasn't working Mondays at the time. So if we had a few occasions where one of the children was sick and both she and my partner were working, she knew I was available, so she would text me. So it was actually fine and sort of handovers at the door. She would chat to me, just pleasantries, nothing overly friendly. But I would say it was a good basis for what I wanted to build. I wanted to build a really good co-parenting relationship with her, which is what I hear on your pod all the time. Yes.

Katie South 11:21

So it had a really good start. And we try so hard, don't we? I think when you come at it from the place that you are in, that I was in, where you're already sharing your children, you know how painful it is to share your children. Even if you know they're having a lovely time with your ex, it's still not how you imagine motherhood to be. And I think we're so careful that we don't want to overstep the mark or we don't want to upset the ex, and we want to go in doing kind of all the right things and probably subconsciously put quite a lot of pressure on ourselves and without realizing it, an expectation on her. And I wonder at what point did things shift?

Carly 12:06

So this is where it is different to the stories that I've heard on your pod, to be honest. So normally, when Bioman um has a new partner, it settles, and there's a positive shift, I would say. We've seen the opposite. So she's now in a relationship and has been for sort of 10 months, I would say. And there was a real change in her communication style with us and just the co-parenting relationship that she has with my partner, massively changed since then.

Katie South 12:40

So the guy that you bumped into her with the first time isn't the guy that she's with now. Correct. Yeah, isn't it?

Carly 12:47

So this guy has, I obviously don't know the story that led to this, but he has sole custody of his 13-year-old daughter. My feel on it is that he is used to not having to co-parent. So when he's walked into this dynamic where you do have to compromise and you do have to co-parent with somebody else, I think it's been quite a challenge. And her whole way of co-parenting changed when she entered this relationship. All of a sudden, it was, these are my decisions to make. If they're poorly, I will be the one that goes to get them. You know, we had to consult her about everything. And that's when I started to receive messages sort of blaming my children for things and saying that things were not great at our house. It was always an issue at our house, it was never anything else. So that's when we saw the real shift, unfortunately.

Katie South 13:38

So many of us can relate to that. It's always an issue at our house. Yes.

Carly 13:44

So communication was the first thing that really deteriorated. Like I said, she was always happy to communicate directly with me, with my partner. So I guess the first big challenge was my stepdaughter was becoming very emotional, and she shared with us that she and her brother are having to move school. And for a nine-year-old, she articulates it very well. She said, I've had enough change. I don't want to change my school. And this was the first we'd heard. We had no idea they were being moved out of the village school. They've always attended. And that was the first challenge that we had that was really fought back on. We found out that she had actually submitted an application to move school, forging my partner's signature on the application. So we stopped it. We tried to talk to her first about it. She said, I'm doing what I want to do, what's best for my children. So my partner put a stop to it through school admissions. From there, it just all deteriorated. What was her reason for moving them to a different school? So she moved out of their local village into the next local village, which is the exact same distance as where she was originally living to the school. So her argument was distance and that the school are failing the children academically. Like I say, it's the same distance, so it makes no difference. And they're not failing academically. And the bottom line is they're very, very happy in the school and they've got their friends, they've got good networks and connections. And they didn't want to move school. We didn't mind if they wanted to go to the new school, we would have made the school runs work from our house. It wouldn't have been a problem. We were solely focused on what they were saying and how devastated they were. And we've had messages saying these are our decisions to make, not for you two to make, and we will make these decisions. So I think that is their mindset that they will make the decisions and my partner doesn't have a say in them.

Katie South 15:44

The language that you just shared, then I felt my heckles rise, like these are our decisions to make. And it's no, like it's your child, and both of you as parents have a say. If you can't agree, then there's a number of outcomes, but you've got to try and work it through as two biological parents with your child. Yeah, exactly. You mentioned that your partner had sort of put a stop to the move through school admissions and then came court. So tell us a bit about that.

Carly 16:17

So once he put the stop on the school move, his ex-wife put an application into court to try and force the school move. Once we are in the court proceedings, we then added child arrangement to those proceedings so that we could address all of the issues in one. We've had two court hearings so far, and we have our date for our final hearing. And as of yet, no agreement has been made.

Katie South 16:43

So, for people who are listening who aren't familiar with the court process, can you just talk us through how it works?

Carly 16:50

So the application went in, so we received sort of a summons to court, and we attended, well, my partner attended the first court hearing, and that was very much statement-based. You provide a long statement of your stance, really, what you want, you could provide evidence, and nothing's normally resolved in the first court hearing, it's just hearing both sides.

Katie South 17:13

And what what was included in addition to the school? Child arrangement.

Carly 17:19

So we had a few occasions where time was just taken away from us with my stepchildren. One situation that probably led it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back for us. They were saying they would take them on holiday and they'd be back for our weekend. And we kept asking sort of where you're going and the dates, and they were very evasive about it. And then as soon as they had the children in their care, they messaged us and said they're not coming back for two weeks. And that was the final straw for us. We thought, okay, we actually have plans and things for our weekend with my children. So then you've got four disappointed children. So I said, we can't keep doing this. We need to get the child arrangement court ordered so that we have some level of protection from a court order. So that was when we added it to the court proceedings. So it wasn't discussed at the initial one. We added it on at that point, and then it was discussed at the second court hearing.

Katie South 18:14

Okay. And what happened next in the court process?

Carly 18:17

So then we were summoned, we were given the next date and we attended that court hearing. I never went in, as we've already talked about, respecting boundaries as a bioma myself. I didn't want to make her feel that she couldn't voice her true opinions and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. So I went to the court, but I have never been in the room with him. And basically, the judge very much tries to encourage you to make a decision together. They don't want to rule it. So they're basically mediating and still no decision was made. Also, with the school, a decision has to be made. It's not a compromise. You can't compromise on that. Somebody needs to make the decision. The judge has pretty much said they're not going to move the children's school. When my stepdaughter's in year five, it would be really unnecessary to change her school. So I think that that's sort of done. The child arrangement, they're nowhere near agreeing. I mean, we've got this extra element that they spend a lot of time in a sort of neighbouring town that's about 50 miles away from their home where mum's new partner lives. He lives out of county and they spend a lot of time there. So the child arrangement was very difficult because she's enrolled them into after school clubs that are 50 miles out of area. So we were being asked, will you honour those after school clubs? But obviously, that's really difficult for us to do. So there's just a lot to it. So we're quite far away from making a decision at the moment. Can you sum up what each side wants? Yeah, so we want obviously the school to remain the same, and we want the child arrangement to stay the same as what it is. We're not asking for any more time. The children are very settled, so we want to just keep it as it is. Ex-wife wants the school moves, and she wants my partner to have the children just two nights out of 14.

Katie South 20:07

That's quite a shift. Yeah. And is there anything coming from the children to say that that's what they might want? No, the opposite.

Carly 20:16

So we've had some difficult weeks with my stepdaughter. She had a series of panic attacks at our house, saying that she's very aware that mummy is trying to reduce her time with daddy and she doesn't want that to happen. She's actually saying she wants more time with her dad. We had a period of time where it was a couple of weeks, she was having panic attacks every night at our house, saying the same thing. And of course, we tried to have conversations with their mum about this, but it must be a problem. Our house, it's not happening at her house. So we could go nowhere with it. But the children, both are children. I mean, his son is a bit younger, um, and he doesn't re-articulate his feelings in the same way that his daughter does. But he's very happy when he's here. So, you know, conversations we have had with him, we're assuming he doesn't want it to change either. But she has been very vocal, my stepdaughter, about what she wants, and she's just been ignored.

Katie South 21:12

And will the court take into account her opinion?

Carly 21:16

They should do. I mean, we we voiced her opinion on her behalf and obviously shared the situations that we're having in terms of panic attacks. She was seeing a therapist through her school, and we had reports from her therapist sharing the same thing. So, quite an impartial person. My partner's ex-wife actually instructed this therapist, and she was reporting the same thing from my stepdaughter, and the courts were quite dismissive of the evidence, to be honest, which was really disappointing because I thought it was quite strong evidence and really showing the voice of the children, but they didn't really take it into account.

Katie South 21:52

I'm surprised. Yeah. So mum's instructed a therapist, and a therapist came back and said, Actually, your daughter's happy with how. Things are now. If anything, she wants more time with her dad, but regardless, she's happy and she's worried that she's gonna lose time with her dad, and mum doesn't take that into account. No, in fact, she got rid of the therapist. Oh god, these people. The thing that's really sad about this is not only is the mum not listening to her daughter, but that daughter, who by the sounds of it, is an articulate young woman, she will be growing up knowing my mum knows how I feel, but she's still trying to take me away from my dad. Yeah. It's different because a lot of the stories that we hear about alienation or topics like this mum trying to take away from dad, the children are manipulated into voicing what mum says or what they think they should say. But in this situation, you've got a nine-year-old who's saying, Actually, I don't want this, and mum's not listening. And with no safeguarding concern at your house, I don't know how mum can square that off in her own head.

Carly 23:18

No, I mean, that is exactly what we hear from my stepdaughter all the time about various things. We say, we encourage her to talk to her mum. Have you talked to your mummy about this? Mummy doesn't listen to me. There's no point in talking to mummy, she doesn't listen to me. And that's something that she'll say about various things that we encourage to talk to her about. And as a bio mum myself, I find that really hard, and I really try to encourage her to talk to her mum, but she's right in what she's saying, you know. Her mum doesn't validate her feelings and she doesn't listen. A poor little girl. Yeah, yeah, she struggled a lot with it.

Katie South 23:58

What do you think are their mum's reasons for wanting to move from six nights with you to just two nights with you out of 14?

Carly 24:07

Interestingly, I don't think that it's their mum. I think it's the new partner. With the few interactions we have had in the breakdown of communication, there was a time where I had to communicate with him. That was the communication that mum set up. She said she didn't want to communicate with me anymore. She didn't want to communicate with my partner. So she said that I had to communicate with her new partner. And just from the communication for a very brief period of time before I terminated that communication, I got a sense that he needed control and he was used to that, and that's where he was struggling with this situation. I think a lot of this comes from him. He has sole custody of his daughter, he doesn't have to answer to any co-parent. And I think he wants that with now his stepchildren as well. Sad.

Katie South 24:57

Yeah. It's sad for their mum as well because it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for her to be in. No, no, it doesn't.

Carly 25:05

It doesn't feel like a healthy relationship when you sort of see the dynamic. And the children have shared with their therapists that there have been arguments in the house and it's made them feel scared and things. So we do know that it's probably not the healthiest relationship. How do they feel about their stepdad? Strangely, my stepson is actually quite positive about him and he does enjoy spending time with him. My stepdaughter, she doesn't really talk about him an awful lot, to be honest. She mentions that they've done things as a family together and she'll mention him in that way, but she doesn't talk about him an awful lot.

Katie South 25:42

And I know we've talked a lot about the children and a lot about the situation. How have you been through all of this?

Carly 25:50

I love my stepchildren so much. Me and my stepdaughter, especially. We have such a useful relationship. I absolutely love her. My stepson as well, but he's just a bit younger and you know, a typical boy. And so I love my stepmum role with the children. It's lovely, and I wouldn't change it. With the ex-wife, I've really struggled, especially when comments are aimed at my home and my children. I really struggle with that. I mean, she has the ability to derail my whole week just with one text message, and then I struggle to get over the things that she said. I think, oh, should I message her and try to meet up with her and talk to her mum to mum? I have never done that, and I don't know if I ever will, but I do certainly get to the point where I think I just need to resolve this. I need us to have a better relationship, and I need her to just stop saying things about my children and my home. She says that my children wake her children up in the morning. My children get to go and do all of their clubs at the weekend and her children don't. But there are reasons for that. Me and my ex-partner, we co-pare in and make sure that my son can get to football between us. It's not something that my partner necessarily is always involved in. She'll say that they have to share bedrooms at my house and they don't have their own space. We took them all to Disney and she made comments to my stepdaughter about well, it's not a holiday, you'll just go to a theme park. Things like that. She gave them spending money, her two children, and said, make sure Carly's children don't have your money. I mean, why would they? Just things like that. But it is relentless. Every week is a new message. And I guess I just always take them personally. I feel like it was my responsibility to make this home a home for everybody. So when she's making any negative comments about, well, that's a problem at your house, I take that really personally.

Katie South 27:50

Which is understandable. And do you raise the things she says with the children? No.

Carly 27:57

I guess we try to shield them from adult drama as much as we can. So indirectly, I guess, yes. We will ask them, have you had a good night's sleep? Is there anything about your bedrooms that we need to change? You know? And it is hard catering to all four children's needs. You know, my daughter's quite young, so she likes to have the landing light on. My stepdaughter's a bit older and she likes it pitched black. So she now has an eye mask that she sleeps with. So little adjustments have been made. My son wakes up really early. My stepson likes to sleep in. He's a bit younger, he needs a bit more sleep. So we've made adjustments with that routine as well. So we are always having conversations, always taking all four of their needs on board and doing the best we can to cater to all of their needs.

Katie South 28:45

Yeah, and I think the way that you do that is actually spot on, is finding out what the children feel, but without the frame of your mum said this. Yeah. I was smiling to myself when you were talking about eye masks because we've had the same situation in our family, like when we've been on a holiday and rented a house and the kids have to share rooms, and it's all there's always someone who wants it bright light, and always someone who doesn't. So the eye masks are always your friend. And what about your partner? How have things been for him?

Carly 29:14

He has found the process really stressful, really emotional. Obviously, he's seen his daughter having panic attacks, and I think he tries to communicate with his ex-wife and try to co-parent together because it's a lot for him to take on on his own as well. You know, he wants to be able to co-parent with her and say, But how should we manage this? How can we best support her? And when he's being met with this is a problem at your house, I'm not interested. I think he's found that really difficult. But in our home, I very much take on the mum role. So we co-parent together and we we tackle all of these issues head-on together. But the court process has been difficult for all of us, especially him. He's obviously had to go into court by himself and face all of these things in a really challenging position.

Katie South 30:03

So yeah, it's been a lot for him. You said that you take on the mum role in your house. Talk to me a bit about discipline, consequences, boundaries, and how that works. That was really difficult to begin with.

Carly 30:15

My children have very clear boundaries, very clear rules, and they've always adhered to them. Obviously, they are children, they're not angels, but generally they know the rules. I've always raised them to be really strict with manners, you know, they come naturally to my children. You don't have to remind them. When my stepchildren first moved in, you could really notice that they had been parented very differently. And I I felt like I had to fix all of this, and they all need to be good with their manners and they all need to stick to the rules, they all need to know the boundaries. But you do realize actually that's all they've ever known. And it's not my job to just all of a sudden be on them all the time about well, this is how we do it here. It's a process. So I have relaxed into it a lot more. I remind them of their manners when they forget them. And actually, now I would say we had the initial teething problems, but now they all know the rules, they all know the routine, and it's lovely. We've got a lovely life and it it is easier now, a lot easier.

Katie South 31:16

And how have your children found it suddenly sharing the home with two other kids?

Carly 31:23

They've loved it, they have really loved it. And whenever they come home from their dad's house, the first thing they ask is, are they here? They do genuinely all love each other. I think my son has probably had to make a few more sacrifices than I would have liked. And that is probably off the back of my anxiety of what ex-wife will say if I don't make changes in my home. But I have taught him about that, and I have said, you know, my stepson is younger, he does need to sleep a bit longer, and this is why we just need to change the morning routine a little bit. And he's been really receptive to that, and he's been fine and he's been happy to do that. So I think their love of each other sort of helps them understand the need to adjust slightly. And yeah, I think it's been really nice actually, and they have done it really well.

Katie South 32:12

So earlier you were talking about you taking on the mum role in your house. And you talked about how you and your stepdaughter have got a close relationship. How do they see you?

Carly 32:25

They love me. I was led by them, but they started referring to me as step-mum before I did, and it has been really natural, really, really lovely. I mean, especially with my stepdaughter, like I'm saying, we've got a very close relationship, and she's always happy to come to me if she's poorly, she wants to snuggle on the sofa with me. I'm I definitely feel I am a safe space for her, and we have a really, really close relationship.

Katie South 32:51

When she was a baby and you knew her, how long was your friendship with her mum during that time? Because I'm wondering whether there's any, you know, whether she remembers in some way.

Carly 33:03

Yeah, I mean, it was very brief. I would say probably about six months. So she was probably approaching a year old when we were no longer sort of spending time together. But yeah, you do wonder, you know, does she remember voices and things from when she was a baby? You just don't know about these early brain connections and things that go on.

Katie South 33:23

And presumably she's seen pictures of herself and your son when they were both very little. So even that real shared history massively helps bonds in step families when you've got that to fall back on. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Carly 33:39

We had a recent challenge where my stepdaughter became really unwell in school, and my partner was called because her mum was out of the country on holiday, and they actually ended up having to get an ambulance to her. She just had an episode. She's absolutely fine now. There was no reason for it, but she had an episode where she went unconscious and unresponsive. Unfortunately, because of communication, when we weren't officially made aware that mum was out of the country or when she was returning, all we knew was that their auntie was picking them up from school that day. We dropped them off at school that day and their auntie was picking them up. So my partner received a call from school to go up there. I had probably the biggest battle of my stepmum hood I'd ever had with myself. And he called me and told me my instant reaction was, I need to go up to school, I need to be there. He was saying, no, don't worry, I'll I'll go and I'll update you. I sat in my car and I was debating, I feel like I want to be there. I feel like she'd want me to be there and I just want to drive up there and go. But I was trying to respect him and saying, Don't worry, I'll source it and I'll update you. And then I was also considering, okay, mum's not here. You know, I don't want to overstep my stepmum, or how would I feel? You know, if it was one of my children, I would want to be there. So I was sat there having this battle with myself and I didn't go up there. And it was really difficult. So I said to my stepdaughter's auntie, mum's sister, I contacted her and let her know what was going on because she was due to pick the children up. I asked if I should let their mum know. And she actually confirmed that she was on a flight home at the moment, so I wouldn't be able to get hold of her. She said, I will call her as soon as she lands. I've got her flight details and I'll update her. So I left it with her, and that was all fine. I let my partner know. Anyway, they went to AE and in our AE, there is no signal at all. So I knew that he wouldn't be contactable once he was in AE. I received a call from their mum's step-mum, my partner's ex, once she landed, furious that she hadn't been told. I explained to her that by the time it's happening, she was already in the air. So we had come up with a plan of how she would be told. I explained what I know, told her where they were, and she said she was an hour away and she'd go straight to the hospital. So I left it at that. And then later, when my partner came home and we sort of dissected and reflected on the whole situation, and my stepdaughter was home with her mum and it was all fine. We realized that actually she didn't go straight to the hospital from the airport. She went home for a bit and then went to the hospital. She I told her to call AE. I said, they will talk to you, they will update you, you're her mum. She didn't for about an hour, and then she called and spoke to my partner. And so, as you can imagine, after that we had days and days of messages from her saying, you should have done this, why didn't you do this? If this ever happens again, I want you to follow these steps, and this is how you should handle it. And we were already traumatized from a situation. It was really awful. And we managed it the best we could. And yeah, we still, up till last week, were still getting messages about how we handled it and how we should have done it better.

Katie South 36:54

I'm not sure there's anything that you can do if somebody's actually in the air. Like you've phoned up her sister, and I don't know what else she could have done.

Carly 37:05

No, I mean, she said you should have left me a voicemail filling me in on how she was, but we explained that obviously my partner was alone with her and he she didn't want him to leave her. She was scared in hospital, and he would have had to go outside to call her at that point. And it just wasn't a priority in that moment. I kept her as up to date as I could with the information that I had. I think we felt that it came from guilt when I've reflected myself, how would have I felt in that situation? Even though, as a mum, you know, as anyone, you are fully entitled to go away and have a break and be on your own without children. I think I would feel guilty. I'd feel guilty that I wasn't there, my child was unwell, and I wasn't there. And we sort of thought that maybe that's where this has come from, that she wasn't in control of the situation, she wasn't there. So I think there was just a lot of backlash for us. And I think it was just deflecting on us, really, that she wasn't there and she wasn't the one in control. But then, like you say, it was just really difficult for us to swallow that pill because we did the best we could, but equally we wanted to just go back and say, but you took ages to get to the hospital. You know, where were your priorities? When you, when it was within your control and you were able to go to the hospital, why were you not running to your daughter's side? I mean, I would have been. And I did some reflecting on that situation actually myself and my partner had a conversation because I was really upset. I I felt I should have gone up there. I shouldn't have just not listened to him and thought, stop considering everybody else's boundaries and just thought, what would my stepdaughter want? She would want me there. Her mum's not there, she'd want me there. So I did talk to my partner after, and I was quite upset. And I said, you know, I'm disappointed that you said that I shouldn't come up. And actually, I wish I'd just ignored you and just come up anyway. Um, and he said, She did ask for you. And I was like, Oh, I should have gone up there. So I said to him, you know, I'm trying to not prioritize everybody else's boundaries over my own. And he agrees that I should do that. I said, You also need to do the same. You know, you want me to fully be in mum mode of all four children, which I want to be, you need to also treat me like that as well in every situation. And he really took that on board and he said, you know, you should have been there.

Katie South 39:20

Women are always right. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah.

Carly 39:23

And he knows that.

Katie South 39:24

But it is a it is a hard one, isn't it? When every fibre in your being is like sometimes with my stepdaughter, like I really want to do things for her, but I'm still so conscious of, but then I might overstep and should I do that? And I, you know, it's it's really hard. So, what do you see for your future, Carly?

Carly 39:42

Well, we're certainly not having any other children, so we're never gonna have a child together, which we're both very happy with. We've got enough. I just think continue as we are. Like you say, once we shut the door to all of the outside noise, we've got a lovely, lovely life. We want to get a bigger house so that everybody has their own space. And I am working on what I can do, what is it within my control to not let these messages affect me so much. So I think your pod has helped massively. If I am struggling to navigate something, I'll scroll through all of your episodes and look for something that's relevant to me in the moment and sort of get some advice from there. I've done counseling myself to try to manage how I react to her messages. I can't stop her from sending the messages, but I can control my reaction. So I think I'm just gonna go on a journey and trying to work on that.

Katie South 40:35

Brilliant. There's so much in there that I absolutely love of what you're saying, and so much of that is why I do this podcast, why I do the work I do. And that ability to realize that actually you do have some more agency in the situation than you think is a really, really powerful one. I think a lot of the time women get stuck in that gap. I call it an influence gap. So it's the gap between stuff that you can't control, but stuff that really affects you deeply. And it's that that we really, really, really need to work on managing. So when something happens that's out of your hands, but it really affects you. What are you gonna do in that moment? How are you gonna handle that situation so it doesn't, as you said earlier, derail you for the whole week?

Carly 41:18

Yeah, and that is what I'm working on. I'm very much in the early days of working on that. I just got to a point where I just thought I can't allow this to impact me so much anymore. So I'm going on that journey and hopefully I'll I'll get to a point where I can just lock out the noise.

Katie South 41:33

Well, look, thank you so much for talking to me. I'm a massive fan of anyone really focusing on their personal development, obviously. So good for you and come back and let us know how you get on. I will. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for being here. If you're finishing this episode feeling a little bit more seen and maybe a little bit activated, that makes sense. When external drama keeps landing in your space, it's exhausting. If you're tired of walking on eggshells or overfunctioning just to keep the peace, I'm opening a live six-week group called Back in Control. It's where you'll meet other stepmums like you who want to feel less anxious, clearer, and more in control of their world. You can register your interest via the link in the show notes, and as always, you're not doing this alone. We'll be back next week with another new episode. See you next time.