Walking on Eggshells as a Stepmum: High-Conflict Ex, Anxiety & Constant Scrutiny

If your body changes the day before contact, tight chest, busy hands, careful words — this isn’t you being “too sensitive.”
 It’s what chronic vigilance looks like in stepfamily life with a high-conflict ex in the background.

There’s a particular kind of stepmum anxiety that rarely gets named: when your own home stops feeling like a safe place in your body the moment contact is approaching.

In this episode, Annie shares what it’s like to live inside high-conflict stepfamily dynamics shaped by false allegations, scrutiny, social services involvement, and constant destabilisation. Solicitors where there doesn’t need to be solicitors. Professionals pulled in unnecessarily. The sense that anything you do can be misread and weaponised.

This is what I call Chronic Adjustment.

You adapt.
 You accommodate.
 You stay “good.”
 You stay calm.
 You stay careful.
 And somehow, you still feel like the problem.

If you recognise yourself in that pattern, this is exactly the kind of dynamic I work on inside Back in Control — a structured programme designed to help stepmums step out of chronic vigilance and reclaim steadiness inside complex blended family systems.

We also explore:

• The psychological impact of living under accusation
• The strain when partners cope differently (talking vs shutting down)
• Why jealousy in stepfamily life is often positional insecurity, not moral failure
• The loneliness of being the emotional stabiliser in a high-conflict system

If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t keep living like this,” this episode will feel painfully familiar — and clarifying.

What You’ll Learn

• Why stepmum anxiety before contact is often a nervous system response, not a mindset flaw
• How high-conflict ex dynamics create chronic hypervigilance in blended families
• The difference between a child issue and a system issue in stepfamily tension
• Why over-functioning becomes a survival strategy for stepmums
• How coping mismatches inside couples quietly erode connection
• Why jealousy can signal structural insecurity rather than emotional immaturity

If you’re a stepmum who:

• walks on eggshells during contact
• feels scrutinised or misrepresented in stepfamily dynamics
• has dealt with social services threats or false allegations
• over-monitors your tone, behaviour or body language
• feels lonely in the stepmother role because your partner shuts down
• carries resentment and guilt at the same time

This conversation was recorded with you in mind.

If this episode reflected your life more than you expected, follow Stepmum Space so you don’t miss future conversations.

And if you’re ready for structured support rather than just insight, you can find out about Back in Control  and sign up here.  It’s a contained, high-level programme for stepmums who are done living in chronic vigilance and want their relaxed self back.

Ready for structured support?

If you’re living with anticipatory anxiety before contact, walking on eggshells at home, or constantly replaying conversations long after they’ve happened, Back in Control is my structured programme for stepmums navigating complex stepfamily dynamics.

It’s designed to help you move out of chronic vigilance and into steadiness inside your own home.

Learn more:
 www.stepmumspace.com/back-in-control

Transcript

Katie South 0:04

Hello, I'm Katie, and this is Stepmom Space, the judgment free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmom Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmom in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. If you're a stepmom listening and you feel your body change the day before contact, you are not alone. That tightening in your chest, the urge to stay busy, to watch what you say, how you behave, the sense that you have to be somehow careful in your own home. This episode is for the women living with that kind of vigilance, especially when there's a high conflict X in the background and you're carrying the emotional weight of allegations, scrutiny, and being misread. My guest today is Annie, and I want you to listen for the moment where you really recognise yourself and realise you're not too sensitive. Your system is responding to what it's been through. Let's get into the episode. So, Annie, welcome to Stepmum Space. How are you? I'm great, thank you. How are you? Yeah, I'm really good, thank you. I've been looking forward to this conversation with you after I heard your voice note, because it's a lot to unpack. So, do you want to start by just sharing a little bit about your family and how you all came together?

Annie 1:28

Yeah, sure. So I have been married for just over two months now. Congrats. Thank you. We've been together five years, but I met him a long time ago. We've been friends for a while. I have three children from a previous relationship. I was married for 11 years. I've got age range of early teens to late teens, nearly into adulthood. And then he's got three, one teen and the other's our primary school age. Oh, wow. Okay. So you've gone right back to the beginning. Yes. That's a lot to deal with again, because as mine were coming out of that stage, I was then put back into that stage of tiny shoelaces and reading bedtime stories again.

Katie South 2:04

Yeah, and six kids as well. Yeah, it's a lot, it's busy. So you said you'd known each other for a long time and then you got together about five years ago. Yeah. How did you sort of reconnect?

Annie 2:15

Sliding into DMs, if I'm being honest. Or when we've been around each other, same circle of friends, and we all got on. And I think we've always been connected through work or bits and pieces. So we've always been friends, and then obviously separation happened. Him later than me, we just started meeting up, and then it came very apparent. Before we met up, I just checked obviously, is he single? Because I didn't want to be the other woman who did that. And we live in a very small village. So I was very aware. Uh checked all that out. Everything was as it was.

Katie South 2:48

And what I love is how women, in sort of in this situation, suddenly become like these incredible detectives. And we're like, okay, well, his profile says single, but let's just do some other digging. And literally, I mean, I had it with some girlfriends recently, and there were four of us on our phones. And I swear we could have got the whole history on this guy that she was about to go on a date with it.

Annie 3:07

Exactly that. It was, I went through socials, I was asking friends, I was finding out everything I find up the code. Okay, so detective work done, and we've established that this guy's single. What happens then? So after I found out he was single, we started meeting up. And when I say meeting up, it was just at his house. I'd bring coffee round or he'd cook. It never really ventured out of the house. And I was happy with that in a way, but then obviously I started to ask questions as to why, and it became apparent that it was because of his children. In what way? He wasn't currently seeing them. He had gone through about six months of not seeing them at all, and he didn't want to jeopardize anything. So I explained that I was very much understanding of that, but I wasn't here for just a quickie afternoon. So, what was the reason why he hadn't been seeing his kids? The ex-wife had claimed domestic abuse, she had claimed aggression, she had claimed extramarital, she said he wasn't safe. There was no proof at all to any of this. So he was having uh supervised visits, but that had to be at a relative's house. So it was never a neutral place.

Katie South 4:17

So his worry with being out and about with you was that what his kids might see you more she would see us, and then that would feed into the the excuses of why he couldn't see them.

Annie 4:29

So I was very much, well, I'm not sure what I can do about this. I don't know what this entails, and I have to do a bit of my own, right? Do I want to take on? Take on's a very strong word that set saying, I should say, because it's not taking him on because we met a long time ago, and the first time I met him, if things were different, we would have been together because he is the love of my life, and I knew that at the time, but I was married, he was married, and so I just thought I want to be with this man, and he's coming with what people class as baggage, but I've got baggage, but he's also coming with what seems to be gonna be hell of a ride. And do I want to do that ride?

Katie South 5:03

And also there's carry-on, and then there's like I need a whole load of extra tickets to stick all my luggage in the hold baggage.

Annie 5:10

Yeah, and I might just need an extra plane. That's I'd always said I didn't want to be with somebody that had children because I didn't want to take away from my children and could I love somebody else's children? It's a big commitment, it is. But me being me jumped in head first, as always. And we started it officially in the summertime when there was a friend's wedding, and he just couldn't not take me because he didn't want to go on his own, which was amazing. And that was our first outing as us, and it was lovely and magical and all the nice things you can think about. But as always, you come home to a big boom, and it was then I realized that my life had changed and was going to change if I wanted to be with Isma dramatically, negatively. I look back on the person then and I scare myself because it was it's been a very difficult five years. I look back at all then, and it makes me sad. It makes me really sad because when you're first in a relationship, you want all the fun, the niceties, the looking forward to seeing each other. And ours has never really been that. It's been how's he gonna be today? Has she sent him a message? Has she sent him an email? Has he managed to see them? Has he seen them, but one of them's not turned up, or was somebody else there? Or what's his demeanour gonna be like? I'm an empath, so I absorb everything from him, and I'm a talker, so I'm trying to talk him round, just trying to talk the situation better, and you can't make the situation better. And I'll look at myself then and think, wow, I was really sad. And I was really quite poorly, and it's something a long time to see that, and it's quite a scary place to be in. It really is, because there was times when he was so low. There was times when I didn't think he was going to be here the next day, and for somebody to do that to somebody else is just yeah, it's a lot. But then on the flip side, he always says I'm the one that keeps him straight. So that's always me thinking it's been hard, but it's been worth every second. It really has.

Katie South 7:10

I'm so sorry that he went through that, but also that you went through that because it's one thing to see your partner going through something, but to have the added weight of being, you know, the person who's trying to keep them strong, whilst you're no doubt going through your own experiences due to the situation must have taken its toll on you.

Annie 7:29

Oh, yeah, 100%. Uh so certain things like I changed my job to try and accommodate seeing the children. So he has quite a high-pressure job and it's a fixed shift. So he can only have the children on certain days, and that's fine. So I've changed my life style to try and accommodate him and his children. I was very much happy to do it. I wanted him to see his children, but he's not worked because everything just got thrown back constantly. So when we got together, he wasn't really seeing his children, it was a supervised visit. So I think he was just unsure of what to do. His whole life had just suddenly changed. And I suggested it had to go through court because there was no way that she was willing to give him any more than he had, which was supervised visits, maybe once a week. And that's not enough. So he decided that it was the right way to go was to go through court. It's a financial expense, but you can't put money on seeing your children. So he did go to court and they managed to get an agreement in place that he would be able to see the children. So then that started in the summertime, and I met them in school holidays, and then we were thrown with a letter to say that I wasn't allowed to be around them. I know what the answer's gonna be here, but any particular reason? None, none at all. There was lots of allegations of him trying to make a new family with me and my children. But that's not illegal. There was nothing particular. I was really upset because we just got this process in place and I was really excited. All the children are getting on really well together.

Katie South 9:08

And it feels like it's such a personal thing, doesn't it? And we know that it's not about you as an individual, but it feels so personal when it's targeted to you, like you are the problem, you are the problem, you are the problem, and suddenly you're like, I am the problem. It's frightening what it can do to you. Is there any legitimate reason that they can say legally to you, you can't be there?

Annie 9:31

No, but it did go through solicitors in the end. So that was put in an agreement that for six to eight weeks I was not allowed near the children and they were to just spend time with their father. And I was just so sad, but how can I be sad when he's getting to see them? And we both knew that this was her just trying to get in between us.

Katie South 9:50

Yeah, and what upsets me so much about things like this is and also financially from your guys' side, there's no need for a lawyer to be involved. If somebody would have said, Do you know what? The children really need to just focus on your relationship with them. And so maybe Annie obviously totally understands she's your partner, but maybe you could just prioritize them for a few weeks till things are solid. We all know that you would have been like, Yeah, that's totally fine. Because you understand that, because you're a nice human, and every single stepmum I've met has the interests of the child at her heart. But when somebody comes down and says, You're not to be there, it just does not feel right.

Annie 10:30

I think we lasted six out of the eight weeks, and then it got to the point where it was just too difficult because my children were asking where they were. He wanted me to be a part of the life. Why should it be like that? So that caused no end of bother with her when she found out that I'd been there because they'd obviously reported back, and then that led to withholding the children again. So that would have been now four years ago. On and off when she decides she's gonna play ball, however you want to say it. It's usually in when she wants something or something's changed. We will see them and then they'll stop, and then we'll go back to court. She's broken the court order a few times now. I've had social services at my door four times. For what one of them was an allegation, I locked them in the rooms and refused to let them out and only gave them water. One of them was I lived in a very small, cramped house and they all had to share rooms. One of them was I shout at them and scream at them constantly. Without going into too much detail, they've all been about aimed at me and my children. To the point I've now got a CCTV in my living room. The anxiety is horrific. And I feel even now to this day, when they are coming, the anxiety the day before, when they're here, I'll be physically shaken. I don't know what to do with myself, I have to bring in myself, I have to constantly be doing something and watch what I say, I watch what I wear. I don't want to tell them off. And it's hard for my husband because he can see that, and all he wants to do is spend time with his children. But I just can't relax because the allegations, and he will say it's not them that you should be angry at. It's her because she's the one who's saying these things. We don't know that they're saying them. But in my head, they're still reporting back to her. But I've done nothing wrong. I have done everything in my power to welcome them, to make them feel loved, to treat them as my own, but it's never been an option.

Katie South 12:25

And it's not as simple as saying, oh, but it's not them doing it because your body remembers. So the feelings that you will get of the anxiety, of the shaking, it's not a conscious choice that you ever make to feel like that. It's your body remembering what has happened. And I work with a lot of clients on it about separating actually what's gone on with the children to what's gone on with the ex because that can be so difficult because you're still having them in your house all the time.

Annie 12:55

Yeah, exactly. We haven't seen now one of them for over a year. We've seen them, but they haven't physically stayed with us or been with us for longer than a few hours. And then two weeks up to leading up to the wedding, suddenly, hey, let's everything be about me again. You can have them. So one of them stopped coming a year before the wedding, one of them stopped coming eight months before the wedding, and one of them stopped coming six months before the wedding. And what were the reasons given by them or their mum? My mum says these are the reasons she'd spoken to them about, and then when we would text them, the messages were too adult. That's my presumption, but they were words that I would not expect younger primary school people to say. One of the reasons was that they didn't have their own bedrooms, and that's something that they wanted. We can't facilitate that here. One of the reasons was they just didn't like coming, and other reasons were anxiety. And what did you do? I think we got to a place where we were so set up with fighting that she was saying that these children have voices, so we need to listen to them. And I think the saying is flagging a dead horse, but and I have said to him constantly, we'll do whatever it takes. We will look if I can move rooms around, if I can do this, I can do that. And then I sat there and thought, I've got three children, and they deserve as much as every other child. And no, enough is enough now. I can't do more than I already have done. And he's always been in agreement. We parent me and him very well, I think, with my children. My children respect him, love him so much. My ex-husband is great, he's a great dad, and he's his new wife is great. They parent the same way as us. It's just nice. And I know I'm really lucky to have that. So having this opposite is just blows my mind. It really does.

Katie South 14:44

What you say there about your children is a really interesting one because they deserve to have a mum who's well, who feels okay, who isn't walking on eggshells all the time. And I think that's what so many step-mums who have biological children full-time come to me with because it's that sense of I'm not showing up as the same mum for my own biological kids because I'm so on edge when my stepkids are there that I'm turning into a completely different person. You don't want to be like that. You can work with that, and I do a lot of this with clients, but to move your behaviour and understand that actually you're not in danger right now and how you're going to handle those situations. But your children deserve that, and they don't deserve to be victims of what your husband's ex is choosing to put her own children through.

Annie 15:36

Exactly. And it has been really sad. My youngest went through an awful time. I'd have parents saying, Oh, I'm really sorry, but my child can't play with your child. She would be segregated in the playground. She was never on the list for anything because somebody had said, Well, that child's not nice, that child's not this. I'd had a uh an allegation made to the school about her. School rang me on a random Sunday night, wouldn't tell me who the allegation was from, but they were really concerned and had to send it over to social services. It was that grave of a concern.

Katie South 16:08

About your daughter.

Annie 16:10

About my daughter. And who's the someone do we think? You could never ring social services anonymously. You have to give a name because they could otherwise everybody would ring him, wouldn't they? And it came out that it was the ex-wife. To this day, she denies it, but I have it on a piece of paper. Her name on that piece of paper on every single social work that has been sent, that is her.

Katie South 16:30

So just so we get this straight, an adult who is a mother herself put in an allegation not only about you, but about your child that was serious enough that you had a phone call from a school on it.

Annie 16:42

Or Sunday night, and I was followed up with a call from social services the day after. Luckily, there was nothing to it. And moving forward since then, social services, when another allegation gets put in, it's almost a laugh with them. They'll say, It's me again, we have to investigate it. And what pains me is these children that you see on the news that are missed, that are severely abused, they are in danger, they're missed because people are investigating silly things.

Katie South 17:12

Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more. And what I find astonishing is that there's no recourse for persistent false allegations to social services.

Annie 17:22

None. None at all. And you can just go on and go on and go on. We have never reported, and oh my goodness, I could bring a list, but we don't, because that's not who I am, and I'm never going to change who I am. Yeah, I have morals and I have values. I don't believe in the word hate. I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her. That me being alive causes her so much pain, causes her so much trouble to put herself through this day in, day out, and find reasons just to go at us, to go at me, to go at my children. You know, it's beyond me as to why somebody can be that way out.

Katie South 17:56

It really is. So you were together five years before you were married. When all this is going on, how is it affecting your relationship with your partner? Like I said, he's a strange creature.

Annie 18:08

He's into a lot in his life without saying too much. And it's made him very desensitized and it can work fantastically for his job. He needs that. But in a relationship, it's different. And sometimes what would affect a normal for the want of a better work person doesn't affect him. So when I will be upset or I will be or concerned, he's not because he's so desensitized to it. So it's caused a bit of friction. And I think up until the past 18 months, where he's realized for a long time of his life he was gaslighted. That's not the person he is. It's now in a better place. But yeah, it's really hard to explain because until you're in that position, there'd be times that I'd think, am I going to come home and just messaged him? Is he going to be in a bad mood? And not because he's angry with it, not because he's aggressive, he's never any of those things. Just because he's so shut down. And when your partner shuts down, until they're willing to let you back in, there is nothing you can do with that. It drives me mad because I'm a counsellor. So I talk. And there'll be times he'll just say, I don't want to talk. Stop talking acne. And we've had to meet now in the middle where I'll say, I'm gonna talk at you because you're not going to listen, but you need to hear it. And you can do what you want with that. There'd be times where he used to just go off and do his own thing, but that wasn't answering or solving the problem. And because he couldn't find a solution to the problem, he couldn't make sense of it in his head. And he'd often say to me, Just we can't talk everything out.

Katie South 19:40

Um a lot of it's about processing it and the different ways that different people process it. And I was talking to my husband the other day about something that's been on my mind lately, and he said, The way I find it's really great is I just don't think about that stuff. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Annie 20:49

I was thinking, love, like we've discussed this. This is not a healthy way. Yeah, sometimes I'll say, I wish you were in my head. He's like, I don't ever want to be in your head. Very busy. Yeah. I don't know which person you bring in sometimes because I have to be so many different people, have so many different hats on every day that I just think, well, I'm a what-if person. Well, what if that happens? What if that? And he's like, Well, you can't live your life like that. And I think that's what's gotten through it. He's just had to trust that his actions are right and trust that what we're doing together is the best way forward.

Katie South 21:26

You know, jokes aside, there's a lot to be said for realizing that actually the only person you can control the behaviour of is yourself. The what-ifs are sometimes helpful in terms of right, well, if that happens, I'm gonna do that. But if you suddenly find yourself scenario planning absolutely everything in every situation, which so many stepmums do, then the drain on your emotional energy is just too much. So, as always, the balance is probably somewhere in in the middle. But but it is interesting that that's how he's and in that situation where you're the one who wants to talk and he's the one who just wants to move on. How have you two been able to develop your connection with those different styles of problem solving?

Annie 22:09

I like to say compromise, but I think I compromise a lot more than he does, and I think he would openly agree with that. He can't change certain things about people, and I would never ask him to change, and he never asked me to change, but there's some people that are very that's just how he is. I'm very adaptable, and I think we've had to come to the agreement that he now listens, but he will choose whether to do anything with that information. So it has been quite a lonely journey. So finding podcasts like yourselves was just wow, there's somebody else. It's not just me. Because it was almost like I was drowning at some point because I didn't have anybody else to talk to, and it's only when finally I actually told the group. Of friends we have on a random meetup. They were like, That's not okay. And they know the ex-wife and didn't realise that this is what I was experiencing. I think it was shocking for people, but for me, I was just like, What dream? That's normal, isn't it? All no, have you not all like this? Oh, okay. Yeah, so it has been a very lonely experience, definitely.

Katie South 23:12

It's it's hard enough going through it, isn't it? But going through it without good people around you who you feel you can talk to is even harder. When the children had stopped coming, and obviously she'd broken the court order, it's probably a really naive question to ask, but could that not be enforced somehow?

Annie 23:29

So without going into too much about her, she's got a very good job. She knows how to say the right thing, to write the right thing. We did take it back to court. It never gets to court, she always suddenly agrees just before she had to physically go. And now, because of the children's ages, they have a voice, apparently, which is fine. So the solicitors have said if we did go to court, Cafe would be involved again. They would take the children's situation, whatever their experiences, whatever they say, into consideration. And I fear the amount of parental alienation, which isn't really recognised in the UK, which is bonkers for me, is it we would never see them again. I mean, we don't really see them now because the agreement is now that he speaks to them and they decide whether they want to come or not. It's supposed to be every week, but they come usually very sporadic, or they'll turn up and then go, or they might come for tea, might not. And what's it like for you when they come now? So he says, I busy myself and I'll go off and do something, or I'll be out of the house, which is probably true, because the nerves are just. I can't. I find flashback a couple of weeks ago, I got really upset because I said they're only coming because something nice was happening at the house. And that pains me to see that's the only reason they're coming to experience what good things are going. And he's just so excited to see them. He's beaming, he's happy, he's got his children, and I'm sat there thinking, but they're only here because of that, or because she's doing something and it's not convenient for them to be at home. And I try to get myself out of that, but then I'm trying to internalize it. But I know I'm sat there physically shaking or with a face on me because I just can't enjoy it for him. And it's so sad. And moving forward, I've started to plan things now for when they and hope they do come because it can be the day before they decide not to come. So I can think, right, I've planned this. I know I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm doing it for us. They're coming as well, it's for them to enjoy. But we're gonna have a good time. And if they don't come, okay. Whereas previously, if they didn't come, it'd be all cancelled. So my children would lose out.

Katie South 25:31

That makes complete sense. I think it's not that there's a mum out there who's teaching her kids that's okay to just decide the day before whether you're gonna bother, regardless of who it is. It's not okay. And I understand completely letting teenagers have agency in what they do, but you would still want your kid to understand just a nice way to treat people.

Annie 25:53

Yeah, definitely. Manners don't exist, they don't they've been told not to conform, and that's what she said. They will never conform, so they don't wear school uniform, they pick and choose when they go to school. Homework is non-existent, you name it, they don't do it. What an interesting way of parenting. And yeah, and like I say, schools don't seem to do anything about it because it's all she talks, talk, she walks the walk. And I've never said anything bad to her. I've seen her, and when she sees me in public, it's like we're best friends. We used to have contacts, uh, but because I was not at her beckon call constantly, that stopped. I was blocked on social media in the very early days. Fine. She tells a lot of people different things, and I've been called names in the playground when I'm waiting in the playground by other ones. The best was being shouted across the two playgrounds, you're sleeping with a married man. Yes, because she won't divorce him yet. Oh my god. And with children, uh it's beyond me. And yeah, but I have literally these so many times I've just wanted to do anything, scream, shout. I have never in the five years raised my voice, I've never sent an aggressive message, I've never gone back with anything. Um the abuse that has been sent through me, the toxicity, the aggression, the everything. And my children have to encounter her several times. They are well-mannered, they say hello, they are polite, and that's it. And I just think that's how it's got to be. Unfortunately, when things move on and they are here, I get quite jealous. And I think that's something that as statements, a lot of people are embarrassed to say, I am jealous of a child. I am because they get all his attention. They consume him when he's there with them. They'll push in between us all over his face, hands holding everything about them. They don't go to bed until later because he wants to spend time with him. He's eaten into what I think that's our time. That's okay to feel jealous. And it's took me a long time to think, gosh, that's a funny experience. I'm feeling this horrible jealousy of a child. Is that normal? Yeah, it is, and that's okay. And sometimes I will say to him, Well, I'm jealous today.

Katie South 27:59

I think it's really important to normalise some of those more complicated emotions because there are a lot of women who feel jealous, and it's not about, oh, I'm really jealous of your child. It's more I'm jealous of what it represents. I'm jealous of the system and the way that it works, and I'm jealous that you can have that with them and I can't have anything like that. And it's very difficult to separate the feelings when your partner has been so hurt by their children's choices when actually you know a lot of it is their mother's influence and not so much the children's choices, it's very difficult to do.

Annie 28:35

We've nailed it on that, and that's took me a long time as well. That it's not the children, they're being influenced by what is going on at home and how they are being parented and that environment. And that's not okay. And I hope as they get older, I've kept everything. I've got a file. And if you want to come to me when they're older and say, Mum said you did this, I would say, Well, if you are open to it, I will show you what happened on that day, and you can choose then to make your decision as an adult about the situation.

Katie South 29:05

Well, I think it must be so painful to be a child and realise that one of your parents has lied to you to such an extent, like really difficult. You touched then actually on something that I wanted to ask you, and I'm really grateful for your courage and how honest you're being about things. Would you find it easier if your stepchildren didn't come?

Annie 29:29

Yes, and we've had that conversation. And I think sometimes, yeah, I do think that, and not to perceive just my own heart, but my children's hearts and my husband's because the pain he goes through for them children on a daily basis, the texts that never get replied to, but read, the phone calls that never get picked up, the birthdays that get missed, the Christmases that get missed, just for a glimmer of hope that they might turn up. Yeah. If I could protect that, yeah, that's not how life is.

Katie South 29:59

No, you're right, it's not. But I think it's it's certainly an interesting flip that I do see in some families, and even some of the dads who I'll work with who will say, I love my children to pieces, but it's easier when they're not there. And it's never about not caring about them. To get to that point, you have to have been through so much, almost always with their mother, and forever the dad will be painted as the one who didn't, you know, didn't look like he bothered to take them on holiday or didn't look like he cared enough to see them all the time. But in every single case I've seen, and there's a lot, it's come from a dead end and there's nowhere to go. It's been so, so, so difficult with the mother. And at some point, somebody has to say, Well, I need to look after myself because, as you said, you worried your husband wasn't going to be there the next day.

Annie 30:51

Yeah, and that was the scariest part for me. And this was quite early on in our relationship, and then a bit later on. And yeah, I just think no child should be without two parents when both parents are willing to give them that time. That child deserves to have access to a mum and a dad, or a mum and a mum and a dad and a dad. They deserve that, and nobody should be able to say any other way, unless obviously there's some danger to that child. And it just frustrates me because some children are growing up thinking their dads aren't interested because the mum decides that it's not in her interest. And I'll forever be fighting in his corner, always, until the day I die. And I'll always support him and I'll always have his back and I'll always hold his hand to everything. I won't always agree with it, but it's his life as well. And just because we're married doesn't mean that he can't live his own life the way he wants to live it. And I do my own thing, but we have to meet in the middle on certain things, obviously. But when it comes to his children, whatever path he chooses to take, I'll be there with him.

Katie South 31:58

And I think that's where a lot of women get to is that you know, as the stepmum, you can't personally try any harder because you're always going to get knocked back, or everything's always gonna get twisted, or you just can't do it anymore for your own mental health. But you then say to your partner, I'll support whatever type of relationship you want to try and have with your kids. And I think there are so many women in that space, and it takes a lot, particularly when it's had such a negative impact on you in the past. But that's what we do because ultimately we all want our partners to have great relationships with their kids. And if we can't have great relationships with our stepkids, we still want our partners to have great relationships with them.

Annie 32:39

100%. And that's what I'll always advocate is as long as he's seeing them, it would be fantastic for us all to be there. But they're getting older now, and the damage has already been done, and all we can try and do is contain the extra damage that's could happen and work with that. And they don't have to like me. I would like them to like me, but they don't have to, and that's okay. I'm very lucky that my children adore him, but that's not the case in everybody. So as long as I keep showing up and being there, all right, I might have a face family, but that's just my face. That's enough for me now. And I think I at first I wanted to be the stepmom, but it was fawning. Let's bake cakes, let's go and do this. And yes, you can stay up the later bedtime, and yes, you can do this, and yes, you can do that. But that's not like I wish it was, but it's not. And rules are there for a reason, boundaries are there for a reason, bedters are there for a reason. And when all the children get older, I just hope they turn around and say, You did all right, job. And that'll be enough for me.

Katie South 33:42

You mentioned that you had only started seeing them again in the run-up to your wedding. So, did they go to your wedding?

Annie 33:49

So, the run-up to a wedding, we were allowed to see them. We got engaged the same year and got married the same year. So it wasn't a long time between it. We were obviously excited. They didn't know about the engagement. I was very much aware she will have known because it, like I say, small town. So he decided the next time they'd contact, he'd go up and explain because obviously contact was limited as well. So we contacted, he went up and explained. He came back and said they were all excited. And yes, we wanted to come to the wedding. I had nothing ready for them. I was like, I need to give them a job. I can't just have three children turn up and have no. So yeah, it literally went to panic stations to find something for them to wear, whilst in the back of my head thinking this might not even be used. I was gonna ask you, how did you feel when they said they were gonna come? Devastated. I did tell him that, and I spoke to his family about it because one of the caveats, the want of a better word, was they had to be collected by her at the wedding. Yeah. So that was it for me. I was literally what's supposed to be the best day of my life again. Oh, I felt sick. I was having a tough time at work as well at the time. So it was a lot of emotions. But obviously, I wanted them to be there. They said they were happy, excited about it. I picked their outfits, they came, they tried them on, because that's been a bit of a thing. Sometimes they don't like certain clothes, they're all happy to be there. And then the situation came about them who's gonna look after them because I want to have a drink. So we spoke to relatives, a few relatives uh said that they did not want to do it because they didn't want the backlash from her, you know what they may go back and feed back. So it wasn't just us who had that issue. Uh and then when she said that she wanted to collect them, it was agreed that she could, but it'd have to be at the end of the road, and we would send the children out with a responsible adult. And that was that. Luckily, I didn't see her because I think that would have ruined my day. I think everybody was on guard on the day, just in case. And I never knew any different. I didn't even know when they went because no one they didn't come and say goodbye to me. They didn't speak to me at all that day. Well, that's okay. There was some feedback afterwards that they'd gone and spoken to other people and said that they were upset that dad was marrying again and words that wouldn't come out of children's mouths as usual. But yeah, I'm glad they were there to see that what may have been painted as a fling or an affair, or you know, daddy left mummy to go and live with somebody else, make a new family, whatever has been painted there is a new beginning in a way, and that there is a life after the absolute chaos, and that it's okay to love somebody else again, and it's okay to do what we're doing. And we've never said they couldn't have come to the wedding, obviously. They were more than welcome. And I just think they seem to have enjoyed it, but again, I don't know.

Katie South 36:42

Um it must be so confusing for them because they hear all these stories which are framed as truths, and then they go to a wedding and they see a couple in love who are really happy with lovely friends and family who are really happy, and a bride who's clearly very nice and has lots of friends, and it doesn't fit. So I often think it must be quite confusing for those children, and they must grow up, maybe not even being able to trust themselves because they've been manipulated and told things that aren't true from such a young age. Not to take away from how difficult it is for you, but I also feel that often it's really difficult for those kids in those situations.

Annie 37:21

Yeah, 100%. And I think like you say, the things that they must have been told that just don't match up, how they could compute that in a head in their own heads is beyond me. And they've often said things to me like, Oh, do you know when that happened? And I'm like, That never happened. But yeah, it did, you know, on such and such a day. You were there, and I'm thinking, I know I was there, but that didn't happen. But it's been instilled in their brain that these things have happened, that it's normal to them, that that's just how life is to them, and it does break my heart, and I do think it's a sad way to live that she's done that to them.

Katie South 37:56

So, Annie, I'm really glad you got to enjoy your wedding. That's obviously hugely important, particularly after everything you've been through. What does the future hold for you and your husband?

Annie 38:07

It's gonna be it's an exciting one. It is. We've come a long way, and we've got a long way to go. This is it now for us, and I hope that his children come along with us for the journey. Because, like I say, my children are entering the exciting years of adulthood and going off to do their own thing. And I hope that his children can join us on our journey of seeing new things and discovering new things and always learning new things about each other. And he has gone on to do something he wants to do for the rest of his life now, career-wise. And I'm excited. I'm excited to see him live his life and his dream. And I'm really happy doing what I do. So I think finally this is gonna be the right time for us. It's gonna be the new beginning that we needed as husband as wife, and I don't know. I'm just really excited. I think it's gonna be a new journey, like I say, and we've both come out of the other side. I think we've experienced some really bad things, and could things get any worse? I think being a stepmom, you never quite know the answer to that.

Katie South 39:09

I often say that I often say that the sort of stepfamily relationships happen in reverse, and you get to your honeymoon period 10 years after you've been together, much like yourselves. We got married several years after being together as well. And it is wonderful when you work your way through it and you learn to live with peace, even if it doesn't look like the picture you wanted it to look like in the beginning.

Annie 39:33

100%. And I will constantly say to myself, other people's opinions are none of my business and it's my life. We've only got one of them, and I'm gonna do what I want to do for me, for my kids. And he's a bonus that he's in it. Don't get me wrong, he's an absolute bonus, and I love him to death, but we only have one go at this, so let's just do it the right way and let's not let external factors change that.

Katie South 39:58

True, true. Well, thank you so much for talking to me today, Annie. I know very much appreciate and admire your courage in being really open about everything that you've been through and everything that you've felt. So thank you so much for talking to me.

Annie 40:13

Thank you so much, Katie, and again for using your podcast and your platform to just reach out to so many stepmoms. I don't think you quite realise how many of us listen, even quietly in the corners. We are there.

Katie South 40:25

Thank you. Might make me cry. I don't think I'm gonna cry. Oh, I really appreciate that. Thank you so much for saying that. It means a lot. Thank you. That was a powerful one. And if you recognized yourself in any part of this, that anticipates your anxiety, the what if thinking, the sense that your home stops feeling like your nervous system's safe place when the kids are there, you're not alone. If you want more grounded support like this, hit follow in your podcast app so the next episode finds you first. And if you're thinking, I cannot keep living like this, my programme Back in Control is built for you. It's structured, contained, and focused on getting you out of chronic vigilance and back into a position that feels solid and like yourself. It's capped at 12 women, and the links in the show notes if you want to find out more and book. We'll be back on Friday with a listener question and next Wednesday with a new full episode. Till then, take care.