Stepmum Struggles, Schedule Changes and Loyalty Binds in Blended Families

If you’re a stepmum who loves your stepchild deeply but still feels destabilised by the stepfamily around you, this will hit home.

 For deeper support with stepmum struggles, boundaries and emotional steadiness, explore Back in Control

Loving your stepchild does not protect you from the strain of stepfamily dynamics.

In this conversation, Meg shares what it has been like to build a close, loving bond with her stepdaughter while also living inside a blended family system shaped by schedule changes, blurred boundaries, emotional manipulation and the constant risk of being cast as the problem. What comes through so clearly is something many stepmums know but struggle to explain: you can be deeply committed, child-focused and doing your best, and still feel unsettled by the wider system around you.

This episode puts language to some of the most painful stepmum struggles: transition-day tension, feeling watched or judged by the other household, managing stepfamily resentment without turning hard, and trying to stay steady when a child is pulled into adult loyalties. It also highlights a dynamic many women live with for years without naming properly: when a child is subtly invited to hold emotional tension on behalf of a parent, the whole stepfamily can start revolving around anxiety, permission-seeking and divided loyalty.

You’ll also hear the difference a solid couple relationship can make. Meg’s experience shows what becomes possible when a dad stays engaged, holds his role, and does not leave the stepmum overexposed in the system.

If you’ve ever thought, I love this child, so why does this still feel so hard? — this episode will help make sense of that. Not because your feelings are irrational, but because stepfamily dynamics are often far more complex than people admit.

What You’ll Learn

• Why a loving bond with your stepchild does not automatically remove blended family challenges
• How loyalty binds can show up in subtle, confusing ways inside everyday stepfamily life
• Why transition days can feel disproportionately charged for stepmums and children alike
• What makes schedule instability and repeated changes so dysregulating in a blended family
• How boundary confusion with the other household can quietly erode safety in your own home
• Why a dad’s role matters so much in reducing stepfamily tension and supporting stepmums
• How to think more clearly when a child seems caught between homes, emotions and expectations

This episode is for you if you’re a stepmum who:

• loves your stepchild but still feels unsettled, peripheral or emotionally exposed
• is dealing with stepfamily tension, changing schedules or handover stress
• feels like the other household has more influence than anyone wants to admit
• is walking on eggshells around blended family challenges that are hard to name
• is trying to understand whether a child is caught in a loyalty bind
• feels the pressure of the stepmother role without the authority or security to match it
• wants more clarity around stepfamily dynamics without being told to “just be patient”

This episode speaks directly to some of the hardest parts of stepmum lif

Ready for structured support?

If you’re living with anticipatory anxiety before contact, walking on eggshells at home, or constantly replaying conversations long after they’ve happened, Back in Control is my structured programme for stepmums navigating complex stepfamily dynamics.

It’s designed to help you move out of chronic vigilance and into steadiness inside your own home.

Learn more:
 www.stepmumspace.com/back-in-control

Transcript

 I'm so happy to have you here today. Hi Katie. Thank you so much for having me. It's, , it's a great pleasure being invited , onto her. So tell me a little bit about your family, Meg. So, , it's just me, my stepdaughter and my partner. So we are actually, we've got a little bit of an age gap between us, I'm 26 and he's 36. And how old's your stepdaughter? She's seven, nearly eight , which is honestly mad. Crazy, isn't it? . And how long have you been in her life?

So, I've known her since she was two and a half,, fully introduced and getting into little bits with it when she was three. So a massive chunk, more so remembers me in her life than she will without, ,, so meeting your stepdaughter when she was so young, , I guess gives you a chance to form a really lovely bond with her. What's the relationship between you and your stepdaughter? We have an amazing relationship. , She is, she's just brilliant.

Like we get on so well., She really confides in me for support a lot of the time, which is something my partner says he is. He said he couldn't have asked but for anything more when it came to that, and I treasure our relationship so much. It hasn't been easy to get to that point, but we have , definitely got to a point where we are so strong.

And the school have noticed, , and a lot of people, funny enough, have actually commented about how similar we look, even though we're not biologically related. Really? How funny. And, so it's so nice to hear. That you guys, are so close and I can see in like your face lights up when you talk about her.

It's really sweet. , So take me back a bit. You've been together with your partner for five years. Yeah. So take me back a bit to when you first met your partner and how the relationship developed. So, we met through mutual friends. Funny enough, it's awkward because I met him when he was still with her, but not like that.

It was a case of we'd met in a big group of friends. Everyone, we were into the same hobby, so we were gonna catch, bump into anybody. So obviously didn't ever speak to him. At all before that point. And he then got back in contact with me and was like, have you been out in your car yet? Because we're into Motorsport.

So he was like, have you built your car up? Have you done this? And I was like, well, actually, not at the moment. I've fixed all the car, it needs to go out, but I just haven't had the chance to go out. And he goes, oh, brilliant. Well there's drift days here and that you can go to. Perfect. We'll do that.

And then , we progressed from there. Always just a really friendly conversation with him. It was so easy to get on with. , And I suppose it moved from a case of he then explained his situation that his ex had just walked out on him,, and taken his daughter. So he was in a , really low place.

, And he hadn't told anyone for a while 'cause he kept it quite quiet from his family. And eventually told his dad like, this was a few months after, and I just went, why didn't you come over for dinner? I know it's probably really difficult for you to be in your own house where your daughter was, for you to then realize that this is your new normal.

. So then obviously the friendship just grew from mutual understanding, mutual respect, and found out we had all the same interests and hobbies. And just share the life of what our experiences have been,, and it's gone from there. And so , the beginning of the relationship sounds really beautiful, , but you said his partner had left and taken the daughter with her. So did he not see her for a period of time?, So she literally up and left one evening. They'd had a bit of a disagreement , on an eating thing and mom had obviously dealt with it a little bit differently to what dad did, or wanted to, and dad suggested to do it a different way.

And she turned around and said she wasn't taking parenting advice from someone like him. So he walked away from the situation because he was like, I can't, what can you do with that? He went to his friend's house, calmed down. By the time he come back to his friend's house, she packed all of her stuff and his daughter's stuff and had gone.

, And he tried to contact her, couldn't get a hold of her. , I had to go through her mom. And obviously she was like, she doesn't wanna speak to you. And he was like, well, I dunno where I stand and what, what's happening. I don't want this to happen again to me. 'cause his mom had done the same to his dad.

So it was all like reliving a load of childhoods trauma as well as dealing with his own situation. That's such a horrible pattern for him to have to go through again. . Oh, and, what happened next? So he obviously then kind of was like, okay, come to the realization that she's obviously not moving back.

He tried his best to try and contact her and then all of a sudden it was a case of Right. Okay. What time? This was in like COVID time. , So he had from Thursday off until till Monday. So she was like, right, okay, you can have, , my stepdaughter from Thursday to Sunday.

And obviously at certain points,, during the beginning I think it was really hard for him to do that because he had just obviously had this trauma dumped on him and I think he needed to fix himself a little bit before , he could properly be like, look, I'm finding it difficult.

To take her on for that weekend when I'm used to her coming home to her every day. , So his ex said that she wanted him to have him every Thursday to every Sunday.. I think because , it was almost dropped on him straight away. To the point that it was like, I haven't had chance to even process what's just happened. You've just out on me. You given me no answers. . And now you are telling me that I need to parent this child Thursday to Sunday by myself.

I so she'd left for her reasons. . And had then said. She wanted him to have his daughter every Thursday to Sunday. Yeah., And that's quite unusual for a mom to want the dad to have all of the weekends. I have heard it before in here, but it's quite unusual. , But was he still in the house then? Was he able to still have her in their previous house? Yeah. So he was paying all the, rent.

And she had said she couldn't afford to be in that place. So asked if he wanted to stay, and he was like, I don't wanna give this house up. I, it's not an area that he came from. It's a little bit further out, , but obviously it, he is gotta stay close to his now daughter. If he moved in where his parents were, it would be an hour or so away from her.

So he sees his daughter every. Thursday to Sunday. , So was that the arrangement when you guys got together? Yeah. So when I got with him, , it was Thursday to Sunday. So, he would come to mine Monday to, to Wednesday. He'd go pick her up from nursery on Thursday. And very early on he was like, oh, you should come over and stay.

And I was like, look, I think we should. See how things go before confusing. I think he obviously wanted that little bit of mental support when it came to trying to deal with everything that he had going on. So kind of in the background, that's where I was supporting him from the behind and being like, look, here's some ideas or whatever you want to do.

I love cooking. So it was always a case of like, if you want me to make some meals during the week that you two will have at the weekends, then no problem. I'll chuck 'em in your freezer. But I don't think it's wise for us to do anything or go into having sleepovers too early on. , And so when did you meet her?

So I met her, , there were a couple of times in between where he had a couple of motor sport days that he was doing. That fell on the weekends, that obviously he would have his daughter. So , he did have to explain to mom that, look, I have got this planned, more than happy to bring her down.

, And she would end up coming along, but I was there at the same time. So I , met my stepdaughter then, but as a case of very step back, like, as soon as he was around his daughter, I wasn't anywhere near them. I kind of kept my distance and was respectful , in that way because I didn't want to cause any confusion for anyone.

, So I met her a few times then, but officially it was about six months after. And had you met the mom as well? At the race days. Yeah. . So how was that awkward? I obviously was trying to be as, as friendly as I possibly could. , I remember the first time that I met her and my stepdaughter were there and they had matching trainers, and I said to my stepdaughter, I was like, oh, look, you mommy have got matching trainers.

They look awesome. Like I'd love them. You must be really happy with them. , And my stepdaughter was so happy. She was like, oh yeah, I love them. They're so cool. Me and mommy are matching. And mom was just like, Hmm, yeah. Oh no. That's sad, isn't it? Because that's such a non-threatening way to try and introduce yourself to, to them.

, So it sounds like there was something going on for mom that she wasn't delighted to meet you. What unfolded from there? So, , a year, about a year into our relationship,, I had my tenancy up on my flat.

And he'd offered for me to move in and obviously I turned around and went, , if you are sure if that will be the best thing for us. And he was like, my daughter loves you., She would be delighted, like we will ask her too. So obviously the question was put forward to her.

, Would you be happy if Meg stayed in the house of us for full term? And he, she was delighted. She couldn't wait for us to have more sleepovers. And I think one of the first times that I was introduced like as to staying over, she got given the opportunity and she turned around and went, can I stay for a sleepover, please?

And I think at that point we knew that she was comfortable with me in the house. And that was a point where I was like, okay, I will stay. , I will stay over every other time. It was just me coming over at the weekends and spending time in the park with them, doing activities, being there in the morning, but not overnight.

And that's when she said, can I have a sleepover? And then obviously, because I moved in, she was like, we get sleepovers all the time. Aw, , that's really cute., And the custody arrangement of every weekend still stayed on? No. So , there was obviously some undiscussed custody change, because all of a sudden, as soon as she started going to school, we got handed another calendar going, you've got two weekends to one.

And my partner was like, where does this come from? And she went, I said that when she was going to school, she would be with me another weekend. And he was like, okay. So went along with it., After a while he was like, it's quite difficult for me to form. Bonds and boundaries , and a routine for her.

Can we up it to a day during the week as well so I can do more of the school run. , So Thursday changed from Friday, so he then went back to doing Thursday to, to Sunday. And then all of a sudden there was discussions of 50 50 again, which , we were really looking forward to, just as the time we were gonna do 50 50.

We both worked in , really small enterprises and we'd lost two members of staff between both of us in each workplace. And I was more than happy to help out , with school runs and everything like that. But until we had our staffing issue, I couldn't take that time off. , And he couldn't do the same either.

So we had approached mom and said, look, I'm , really sorry, but is there any chance that we could literally just push 50 50 back until February? We have new staff coming in February, but we have to wait until then. Can we keep it to the arrangement of two weekends to one, and then do 50 50 in February?

I think this was in the December time. She was like, yeah. Not a problem. Get handed a calendar in January and we've been given every other weekend and it was like, whoa. How has it gone from, yeah, you are all up for 50 50 to every other weekend. Where's that come from? So obviously he came back with, well, , how am I meant to parent my child for every other weekend?

He said, that's not ample enough time for me , to spend with s Nor is it ample enough for her to develop a relationship with both parents. Yeah. So we then again, as a kind of, I suppose, plea. Could we have even more time during the week? So it went from Fridays to Sundays to Wednesdays to Sundays.

So we get a few more days during the week. , But again, wasn't too much. He then approached her after that and had asked about 50 50. And her mom kicked off at him every other weekend. Is ample enough? You should be happy with every other weekend.

I don't understand how she could go from saying, you've got to have her every weekend to suddenly you are only having her every other weekend. What do you think was going on in the background, I dunno, but , I have an assumption that it might have been something to do with one of her friends. Saying that if she had unfortunately quite money driven, her friend was always like,, or if they have less time, then they are entitled to pay more on child maintenance.

So how did the custody situation resolve itself?

Did you manage to do it between the parties? Yeah, it was very strange actually how it happened. So we planned a holiday to go away to Japan for a couple of weeks. And because we'd had 10 days in between seeing my stepdaughter , on the schedule, we only missed out really on four days of seeing her, which we made up before we went and after.

, And while we were away bearing in mind like obviously there, there's eight hour time difference. He would always answer the calls. He'd be up at three o'clock in the morning speaking , to my stepdaughter. Just to make sure that she, knew he loved her, and that he was there and mom turned around and went, she really, really misses you.

She just wants to see you. Like she really, really wants to see you. And at that point, I think I was a bit jet lagged, I suppose, trying to enjoy a holiday as well. And Teran said We really miss her too, but she'd still actually be with you. In this timeframe because of how much time we don't we have between seeing her and it went silent.

And we came back from our trip and went to pick up my stepdaughter literally the day after we'd got back. , And she handed us a schedule of 50 50. Wow. Do we know what changed? I assume because we had chance to go on holiday in between the time. Wow. It's, that was all I could assume. So how long have you been doing the 50 50?

, So this has been going on for a over a year now, so , we're in our second year. And how is it amazing? I feel like it's the best thing that could happen to us all. We've all got ourselves into a really good routine with it. , Really stable. Stable with it again, hasn't come without its issues, but, it's been enjoyable for everyone.

, So , to be able to get to a point where we were comfortable with mom, there was a few. Bridge building exercises, shall we say., There was a few moments where she had twisted a few things that happened in our house back to my stepdaughter, , which had turned round to the point that my stepdaughter was like, I don't wanna come to your house, daddy's horrible to you.

And I was like, , when has study been horrible to me?, Can someone please remind me of this point? , I've not seen it. , One of the points where I was living with him, I had to care for my nan. So I was a caring role running a household, working full time and dealing with, trying to sort out the pair of them and it got all too much one day.

And I like to clean and have a cry at the same time. So I'd gone into the bathroom and blitzed the bathroom in tears. And I think she thought I was upset with her dad, so she took it back to her mom, and her mom was like, yes. He was horrible to me too, and this is what, and so he's obviously horrible to her too, and she's doing, going through the same, and I was like, you can be further from the truth,

I am actually going through quite a lot. Not that I need to explain myself, but so I then had to. Say to mom, , she doesn't wanna stay with us tonight. I'm not gonna force her to stay with us. It's just gonna make her unhappy. We need to take her back to you. And at this point we didn't know where mom lived.

, She'd moved house but refused to give us the address. Because we'd had a few issues prior to that too, where she was just going to pull stepdaughter out of the school without any warning in a holiday. So there would've been no transition period. Just pull her out of school, go into a new school at the end of the Easter holidays.

So obviously we got involved and were like, can she actually do this? Which then the school had to ring her to make sure my partner had parental responsibility, which then got back to her. So obviously she kicked off massively. So I think that would probably aided her not to tell us where she lived.

So when this all kicked off, obviously, I said, look, we are gonna have to have your address to drop her black. , By the time , you come to collect her, she's gonna be asleep. So at least if she falls asleep in the car on the way to yours, then , we can carry her and put her into bed.

But I genuinely think we might need to clear the air a little bit about what's going on because I feel like there are some issues as to why this has been going on, and I think I need to address them. So, took stepdaughter back. , She was fast asleep in the car and went to bed. So it was me, my partner, and her sat down in her living room and I said to her, , look, I said, I think there has been a complete model of a situation that's gone on.

This has been said. This is what my stepdaughter has said, you have said. And at first it was, very defensive. No, no, no, no, no, no. And then all of a sudden it was, oh yeah, I did actually say that. And I went, okay. I understand that you might have had a different time in a relationship with him and you two didn't have the best relationship, but that's not how ours is, and I don't think it's right for you to judge our situation on something that you don't know about.

Anyway, conversation progressed and it got to a point where I turned around and I went, I'm not here to replace you. I, that's not my deal. But I would rather me look after your child in my house than I would not like be horrible to her. And I think you'd prefer me to be nice to her and treat her with respect than to be horrible just for the sake of will you look like you're playing mom?

Yeah. So then I said, look, I think we really need to put on a bit of a united front , for her because she's seeing like pillar to post one says this, one says that, but apparently they're both together for me, looking after me, but are not on the same wavelength. So we started out with a dinner out with mom, which was nice.

And then it started to go to. Dinners on transition days. And is this you, your partner, um, mom and your stepdaughter? Yeah, so she would come over on the Wednesday, which used to be our transition day and have dinner with us. And it was all sunshine and rainbows for a little while, , until I started feeling really uncomfortable because every time bedtime would then come around.

, And my partner would take my stepdaughter upstairs to get bathed and everything like that. I'd be sat there with her, which was fine. If it wasn't then conversations or little comments about how they were together. And it started off being like, oh, all the bad bits from the relationship. And I'm like, , I have heard what your relationship was like.

He, you obviously just didn't work together, which formed toxic traits in both of you. And then it was change of tactic to, oh, I remember when we did this together and when we were together and all of this, when we were doing this. And I started to feel really, really uncomfortable in my own house. And I think it played on it a little bit more because that house I moved into was this.

Yeah. As you were talking, I was wondering about that, whether she was ever territorial about it. I don't think territorial. , I think she felt like she could say something 'cause that was her house at one point and I think she thought it was acceptable and she even to the point, came up and walked herself into our bedroom.

Oh, I know, I know. And I felt so guilty for airing it to my partner and I was like, I dunno why, but I feel so uncomfortable that she's in our bedroom. And he was like, no, I get that. He said, that's not on. I said, I don't mind her going into her own daughter's room and the bathroom, which is upstairs, but walking into her bedroom while my partner's laying on the bed as well was a bit like, no.

'cause he was reaching over to grab something, the hair dryer on the floor and she'd come in and I was like, it's the only space I have in this house. , It just feels a little bit odd, like, yeah, why would you want to, I don't go in half of my friend's bedrooms. There's no need.

Okay. So we are now at the point where we are doing meals at Handovers. Everything sort of seems okay, but Mom has these slightly,. Uncomfortable habits. . Then what happens then becomes stepdaughter going, I want to stay with mommy a few extra nights, but looking at mom as she's saying that. So it's like, okay, well I know this probably hasn't come from you directly because you are looking at mindful validation every time you say it, and every time your mom leaves your absolute.

Fine. And when it comes to you transitioning over to mom's days, you don't wanna go home. So it was a case of, okay, we'll deal with this every single way. Be like, okay, it's dad's week this week, you're back with mom next Wednesday, so you've got a week and then you're back with mom. So it was just trying to put that in place.

, And there were a couple of times that mom had withheld her from seeing her dad in a case of, well, she doesn't want to come to yours. And we're like, okay. , For what reason? And , this was more recently when things were going really well , with 50 50, and she was so comfortable with knowing where she was.

Mom's, dad's, mom's, dad's happy to be at dad's, but also happy to be at mom's, which is what you want. You want both parents and you want her happy in both households. And then it got to a point where like my partner would end up picking up, , my stepdaughter from gymnastics. , Their friend who was also mom's friend, had offered to take my stepdaughter after school, take her to gymnastics.

'cause they were in the same class. We thought, okay, you're being quite nice. Great, thank you. , , and then one day, like they basically said to my stepdaughter, we've got a surprise for you back at our house. So my partner had driven all the way to over to pick her up from gymnastics. And she was just burst into tears 'cause she didn't know what she wanted to do. And they were like, but they've got a surprise for me back at her, back at their house.

And my mom's there and there's a surprise for me and I want the surprise, but I wanna go back to Daddy's, but I want the surprise. And he ended up letting her go because he didn't want to see her upset. And he was worried that if he had taken her back with him, that everyone would be looking at him because she's making a scene crying.

Turns out the surprise was a hair clip., It's so hard to put them in that position as well because , you know, there are times when children do have to cope with the difficulty of not being able to do everything and see everyone, and that is really hard for them. But I think it's our job as adults not to add extra things where necessary like if you've got a surprise for her, you can give it to her the next time she's there.

Like it. Exactly. That's fine. It's just Okay. Complicated for her then. And , has her relationship with you stayed stable throughout? , There was a couple of times that comments have been made, , especially since we've moved house, so. We moved house in August last year into our own place and obviously amazing.

It was a relief off my head. And she loves the house 'cause she's got more room and we've just got a cat. So she's in her element, she's best friend. , So when we moved, I got a call literally the week we were moving from my stepdaughter. She was with her mom. It was on holidays because it was in the August.

I don't normally get called when she's with her mom,. But she called me while I was at work and I was like, okay, this is a bit strange. On a Wednesday, the transition day. Okay, brace myself, what's coming? , And she called and she goes. I don't wanna come to your house until after the move.

And I went, okay. Why? What's your concerns? What's the matter, sweetheart? , We haven't packed up your room. We wanted to keep that for you to do as we said. , What's the matter? What are your concerns? I just don't want to, I don't want to move. I don't want to be in a bigger house. And it's like, oh, okay.

Pan to mom because my stepdaughter's like speak to mom. And I was like, okay. Oh yeah. She's very scared about moving. She hasn't slept very well, and I went. Okay. Has there been any comfort, like given to her from your side about it? I've done as best as I could and I'm like. Okay. That means nothing's been said.

There's probably added more fuel to the fire, if anything. So I said, okay. We, we can support her from ours., As long as you are willing to support her from yours, because we did that for you. , And she was like, okay. So to kind of take away from the conversation I had then turned around and said, right, what would you like for dinner tonight? Mommy can also come for dinner. This might also get mom to come back because I think she hadn't been for dinner for a while because obviously it was holiday time and transitions were different times.

And I said, I've got a cottage park in the fridge that I've already made. Why don't we have that? And she goes, oh yeah, that'd be great. So she came over from then. And obviously move went well. Few times I had been turned around, she had a like friend over for a sleepover from her old school and she turned around and said, Meg took daddy away from mommy.

And I was like, okay, I am just cooking breakfast help. What do I say? So I said, what makes you think that, sweetheart? And she goes, well, mommy and daddy were meant to get married and now you are here. Whoa. And I went, wow. Okay. That was, and you know when you have to try and compose yourself in a situation?

Because you're like, I can't show any emotion to this. And I said to her, I said, sweetheart, , I said, your mommy and daddy haven't been together for a long time. , And your mommy actually left your daddy. So I wasn't around , when your mommy and daddy split up, but they love you from different households now and you've got two sets of love trying to , change the narrative.

Couple of times it's been, um, I seen mommy's wedding dress. That she was meant to have with daddy. Okay, great. , Why would you show your child that? Oh, I don't know. And she's also shown her pictures of,, them three together. So there's been times that , if my partner's , had to go out in the evening on a Friday, my brothers asked for help and I was like, no, it's fine.

I'll have theirs. It's nice to have a bit of girly time. So you just go back and say, I'll have her, , in the evening because it's nice to have a bit of girly time. And he is, and she's come out with these things. I'm being quite emotional and I've said to her like, what's the matter?

And she goes,, I miss my mommy and daddy being together. And I've said to her, I was like, I understand that it's quite difficult to see . Your friends that have parents together , and you don't. I said, but , you were very young when your mommy and daddy split up. You won't remember them being together, but what you can remember is the love that both of them give you.

No, I remember Mommy showed me photos and it's like, okay, so what's happening is you are remembering from photos that , mom is showing you. And I think that pulled at my heartstrings quite a lot. 'cause I'm thinking, why would you show your child that bearing in mind we're at this point, three, four years on into our relationship.

Why would you bring that up with your child quite often to they, they're getting used to a new normal and now they're having to see all of this. And it's hurting her. It's obviously a difficult thing for her to see and putting that confusion in. And I think , even if your parents have been split up for years and years, there are still points in your life.

And I see it in my own family when, it's hard, but the job as parents is to make that easier for your child, not. Make it harder by almost fueling the sadness . It is something I see a lot and actually probably my biggest pet hate is the moms who say they do everything they can to make things better for the child, but they're actually not at all.

That's probably my number one hate because , it's so manipulative and damaging to your own child. I think that's one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with, and I think that's one of the main points that I have had complete breakdowns in an evening to my partner about, because I'm sat there going , I can't do anything, and I know it's gonna be difficult for you to do anything about it because.

I see a child that shouldn't be going through stuff like that and dealing with all these adult situations at , such a young age. . And having that weight of her shoulders when it could be so easily lifted from her and she could be enjoying the things that she needs to enjoy and not feeling so anxious about certain situations.

But , your hands are tied. You can't do much.

What do you do in that situation?, We can't, I've said to my partner, I said, shall we? I think we've brainstormed a few times, like, do we mention this to mom that this is being said? Do we mention this? And then he's like, probably not, because she's gonna take this the wrong way. And I don't wanna cause any upset for anyone.

. And it does get to the point where you think, shall we mention this? You know, I think then she'll understand what she's doing and she'll want to change her ways. Because in your head you think about, if I was to talk to my friend about this, how would my friend respond? But a lot of the times, the woman that you're dealing with isn't , rational, reasonable in the same way.

And actually. , Whilst I really believe that people want to do the best for their children, I think in a lot of these situations it can be really hard when your own needs, wants, emotions, cloud that and then the children do suffer. Something I'm interested in is, you've talked a lot about, , how what you've done and how you've arranged things with mom.

What's your partner's role? Been in it all. So my partner has done a hell of a lot. Obviously with regards to the conversation, I said, I'd spoke to him previously and I said to him, I was like, I think this is a conversation that I needed to, to gauge, first of all,, because it was regarding me , and, I was definitely like it.

It's only me that can clear this air. Not anyone else. You can say it, but it's better coming from me. He deals with all the contact , with mom. I have nothing to do with that. He deals with the messages that come through and the timings, and obviously when it comes to talking about the next year's custody schedule, I'm happy to , help him make a calendar, but he's gotta put that through to her.

I'm not doing that one. He deals with all of the school side of it with, with her. He does the school, like breakfast clubs, everything like that, school trips, all of the organizing with that. He'll send me the information and go, just for your calendar, just to let you know. So I'm in the loop, which is really good.

But there's also times that I've brought up with him that I've had stuff I've had issues with that I've. Being like, actually, I really think we need to set a boundary on this one because it's affecting me. And on things that I thought maybe, I don't think I gave him the benefit of the doubt in certain situations thinking that maybe he's not understanding because it's quite sometimes quite hard to understand.

, But he came back and he was like, I understand that you're really struggling at the time where I hadn't said anything, and I was like, oh. You just saying that and being there with me has really helped. And he was like, I'm going to bring this forward to mom and just bring up the points that you have made because they're very valid.

And I think it's important , for you,, for us, for our family to be heard in that respect. So he's very good with voicing that. He's also, very good. In a case of there are some things that need to be discussed and some things that should just be discussed between us , and kept very calm.

But he was the one that had always, made sure that , he was spending more time , with her. That's all he ever wanted. , And he was the one that made sure with me that I was okay to do like school pickup at school drop off. He always did school pickup.

So you know, there'll be people listening to this who are fed up of schedule switching and swapping and whatnot. What advice would you give to them, . I definitely look at it in a case of what is the best way, , for us as a family to make sure that there is limited changes in that schedule. I think making sure there's fluidity for the, for. The child is the most important thing that we look for. We make sure that Father's Day obviously is with dad.

Mother's Day is with mom, and that holidays, like Easter, Christmas are split as in a case of one gets one year, one gets the next year, because we've done the whole split in the middle of Christmas and we found it really difficult and so did my stepdaughter. So with that, it's a case of making sure that your child focused on, on, on that.

I think everyone would be. , But making sure that it works for you as well. And don't be scared to, to bring it up with mom because at the end of the day, like you get handed a schedule, it's not fair for you to get handed a schedule. There's two parents. That need to discuss it, and I think it's important for mom to hear that as well and be like, it's not just you that gets to decide on a schedule.

You and dad should be discussing this. You two are co-parents, not someone handing a schedule and expecting it to be okay. Ours was dealt with this year by FaceTime. And sharing a schedule , on the screen. At first we were handed a calendar and I turned around and went, well, actually, that's not in the best interests of the child.

I think we need to be more child focused. Look at this way, less disruption because it was a case of moving weekends or moving days on the weekends to accommodate for Father's Day and Mother's Day, and it was like, that's not gonna work. Keep it that week on, week off as much as we can because then it flows better.

You find more regulation. Children know where they stand in that respect. And talk to me about that transition days. I have hated, I think every single time they come round, not for the fact that there's an issue. I think there's definitely a lot more emotional on transition days, and I think that's where you definitely have to prepare in a case of you don't know how your stepchild is gonna react coming home.

, It could be that they're really closed off or they're, really overly open. But I have always dealt with that, with making sure that we've provided love. We've got that same routine set out from the beginning and making sure that she is aware that this is what's happening this week, then now next, then everything like that.

It's hard, isn't it? , The transition days, and I know that's something that a lot of people will definitely be struggling with. I think as much as you can keep yourself regulated. Almost learn what works on the transition days and repeat it. Is the best bet. So,, look, I've loved talking to you.

It's been so nice and I'm so glad, , we got to do it and , seeing the way you talk about your stepdaughter genuinely makes me think it's a love her as your own situation. Honestly, she makes my day like every time. . Well, look, wish you every happiness for the future and hope things continue in a positive way and that you can continue to manage the schedules and the changes with mom as best you can. Thank you. We're

hoping for that as much as we can.

Thank you so much for having me. . And thank you for all your work with the podcast. You have no idea how much that's saved me over the years. Oh, thank you. That means a lot. I really appreciate that. Thank you. Take care then. Bye.