Feeling Left Out in a Stepfamily: When You Care Deeply But Have No Real Say

If you’ve ever thought, I do so much for this child and still feel like I don’t really count, this episode is for you.  Because one of the hardest stepmum struggles is caring deeply while being kept on the edge of the picture.

What happens when you love your stepson, show up for him, help care for him, and still feel like you have no real place in the family system?

In this conversation, Julia talks honestly about what it’s been like to build a life with a man who already had a child, only to find herself in a stepfamily dynamic where so much is out of her hands. Her husband wants to be an involved dad, but contact is limited, communication is minimal, and major decisions about his son’s life keep happening without them. That includes school, medication, and support for neurodivergence.

What makes this episode so recognisable is that it is not only about co-parenting stress. It is also about the emotional cost of being a stepmum who is expected to help, expected to care, expected to carry responsibility, while still being treated as though she barely exists.

We talk about the stepmother role, the pressure to over-function, and the exhausting trap of trying to earn acceptance that may never fully come. We also get into something many women think but rarely say out loud: sometimes the role starts to dominate your whole inner world, and you have to consciously step back if you want any peace.

If you’ve been dealing with stepfamily dynamics that leave you anxious, over-responsible, or feeling left out in a stepfamily, this episode will feel painfully familiar, but also clarifying. It is a conversation about blended family challenges, emotional boundaries, and the importance of supporting stepmums in ways that are honest, not performative.

WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE:
 • Why limited contact and poor communication can leave both dads and stepmums constantly guessing what a child actually needs
 • What it feels like to carry real responsibility for a stepchild while having very little recognition or influence
 • How stepmum struggles can quietly take over your mood, your relationship, and your sense of self
 • Why trying harder, doing more, and over-functioning often does not bring the acceptance you hoped for
 • A more grounded way to support your partner without becoming the emotional container for the whole co-parenting situation
 • Why stepping back to protect your own peace is not selfish, cold, or a failure of care
 • The difference between showing up with love and losing yourself in blended family challenges

This episode is for you:
 • If you’re a stepmum who does a lot behind the scenes and still feels invisible
 • If you’re a stepmum who gets anxious before handover because you never know what kind of mood your stepchild will arrive in
 • If you’re a stepmum who feels shut out of important decisions but still expected to help carry the impact
 • If you’re a stepmum who has started to realise the role is spilling into every corner of your life
 • If you’re a stepmum who keeps wondering whether trying harder will ever actually make you feel more accepted
 • If you’re part of a blended family where co-parenting stress keeps landing in your home, even when you’re trying to protect your peace

If this one felt familiar, make sure you’re following Stepmum Space so you don’t miss the next episode. And if you know another stepmum who is quietly carrying this kind of load, send it to her. 

If you’re recognising yourself in this and want support working through it properly, you can book a clarity call here: Free clarity call 

Transcript

Katie South 0:02

Have you ever noticed how one message, one schedule change, or one decision that you weren't part of can sit in your body for hours? Not because you're being overdramatic, not because you want an argument, but because stepfamily life can leave you carrying responsibility without having a real say. And that does something to you over time. In this episode, we're talking about what it's like when you're showing up, helping, caring, adapting, and still feeling like you're standing at the edge of someone else's family. We get into the strain of being sidelined, the guilt, the overfunctioning, and the moment you start asking yourself, what am I actually doing this for? Hello, I'm Katie South, and this is Stepmom Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of stepmom life. So whether you've been a stepmom for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmom in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. My guest today is Julia. Julia is a stepmom to one boy, and I know you are going to love this conversation. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Hi, I'm good, thank you. How are you?

Katie South 1:27

Yeah, I'm really good. I'm very happy to have you here. I've been looking forward to this conversation.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Yeah, me too. Thank you again for speaking to me. It's been, as I said, it's been strange to like listen to you all the time, but now you're actually in front of me, it's kind of surreal a little bit.

Katie South 1:41

Like so we've spoken a bit about your family, but it'd be great if you could share a little bit of background with the people listening.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah, of course. Similar enough, actually, to a fair few of the episodes that I listened to so far, that my husband and I got married last year, but we actually have known each other for I want to say like 12 years or something like this, a long, long time. Bit friends for most of that time. And then we actually got back in touch romantically in COVID, and then actually started dating them, moved in together pretty quick. He's got a son, so he was three and a half, eighth at that time, and like I knew that he'd had a son when we first got back in touch and dated and then moved in together. I think we started dating as soon as COVID reopened and we had moved in together by the Christmas, and five years later, married.

Katie South 2:43

And tell me, how was it then when you first started dating your husband and he had a preschooler in tow?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Definitely an adjustment, big adjustment. And I want to say, like, if you had have asked me maybe like four or five years previous to us actually dating, I would have said, I'll never, never be with somebody who already has kids. Like I kind of had this idea. Obviously, I think a lot of women do, like, you have the idea that you get with somebody, you move in, you get married, you have kids, it's that whole spiel, that's the way that you have to do it. So definitely adjustment. I wouldn't have said that I would have been open to a relationship with somebody who already has kids from a previous relationship, but we knew each other for years and like we were obviously friends, we got on so well, and it just didn't seem like an issue for me.

Katie South 3:38

I was like, I know he has a kid, so it's a package deal kind of thing, like it's already set, so I'm just like stepping into it kind of thing. I guess it's very different, isn't it, from going on an app and kind of making that choice. Am I okay with someone with kids? Yes or no? Like you've already decided that's not really what I want, but you meet this guy, you know this guy, and he has a kid. It's not like a choice for you, should I have him with a kid or without the kid?

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And I suppose we already had like a good relationship prior to him actually having a son as well. We're always friendly in the years that we hadn't really been in such close contact, we always kept up to date with each other a little bit, and one of us was always in a relationship where the other one was. So, like it wasn't a total shock, it was just, yeah, that's cool. And a lot of my friends at the time as well were having kids and were getting married, so it just seemed quite normal that oh yeah, well, my life is full of kids anyway, so this isn't that much of a difference. Little did I know.

Katie South 4:43

Oh gosh. Tell me about what's happened then.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Okay, so we moved in, happy out, started living in this one area. And how often was the son with you then? So he was with us every other weekend, and then one day midweek, but then it changed a little bit after that. So my husband and biomum went to mediation and he ended up coming away with every other weekend, and then it was changed from one day midweek every week to then every other week. So it kind of falls like we'd have him a weekend and then a day during the week, and then wouldn't see him again till the following weekend.

Katie South 5:32

That's unusual that you would go to mediation and have such a small shift away from what your husband wanted. I'm not sure how that benefits your stepchild.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

I don't think it really did, to be honest. So this is what the boy's stepson is nine now, and like every couple of months there's something else that comes up that bio mum says, Oh, that doesn't work, let's try and stop Mondays for the next while and see it as a trial. And there's always a different reason for it, but it's always comes back to the same day. It's always trying to remove the midweek from my stepson and obviously my husband, and the reasoning is always different, but it's always the same outcome. So, obviously, like six years on for me being involved, and we're still at the same kind of situation, I suppose. It's like ups and downs, it seems to be fairly level for a little while, and then something happens or something comes out of the blue, and it's just everything hitting the fan all at once. So that's what it is, I feel at the moment. Um my stepson is neurodivergent, and he's medicated for it as well, which is great. But my husband doesn't really get the opportunity to be involved in any of those. Maybe that's because he's only got them every other weekend. That nearly all of the day-to-day care comes down to BioMum and her partner, and doctor's appointments, medication updates, all of that kind of thing that you would expect both biological parents to be a part of. Like my husband knows as much as our friends when it comes to the information about what's actually happened with his son at the moment, which is quite difficult as well, because there's a lot going on and there's a lot of support that he needs as well at the moment, but we're very in the dark about what is actually what his needs are.

Katie South 7:38

It's a pattern I'm seeing quite a lot actually with stepfamilies at the moment, and a lot of dads are finding that really, really tough because you feel like you're being excluded from all these big decisions that really affect your child's life and your child's health and well-being, you know?

SPEAKER_01 7:54

100%. Yeah, yeah. Because when he was diagnosed, like there was a conversation between the four adults of the situation, but it wasn't necessarily a back and forth kind of a thing, it was more like this is what's happening, just so you guys know. And I think that was obviously very difficult for my husband as well, because it got to a stage where the stepdad then was bringing him to appointments and things like that, and then my husband hadn't met any of these doctors or anything, and I feel like that's such a strange kind of scenario to be in when you know that your kid needs so much support and so much attention for that support need for like neurodivergence, but not having any sort of communication or just any involvement in it as well.

Katie South 8:47

And presumably he approached his ex in order to try and work together on this.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

100%, and even with the school, so we went to an open evening with the school and we introduced ourselves as like I'm his dad, this is my fiancee at the time. He just wanted to make them aware that, like, you know, I'm another adult in my son's life, so I just want you to be aware that like our numbers are on the directory, we can be called whenever you need. And I think the school came back and was like, as long as we get permission from the mother, then we'll do that. And this is maybe three or four years on, and my husband has never received any contact from the school when it comes to you know, like an accident that would happen in school or like parent-teacher meeting or anything, it's always directed to bio mum gets the phone call, regardless of whether it's during our scheduled time with my stepson as well. Like, we won't hear what's happened until it gets like severely out of hand, let's say. And like there was a couple of incidences there around kind of Halloween time that obviously my stepson was struggling a lot, he was on medication, so maybe the medication wasn't necessarily the best kind of dose for him, or like it's heavy stuff for a kid as well, you know. And um, he was on medication for a good while, and then I don't know exactly what happened, but there was maybe a month or so that he was being really aggressive in school, and there was a good few things happened, and like behaviourally he was really struggling. And my husband only heard about it then, like around kind of December time, so it had happened for a good month, and then nothing really happened after that. Like, we ended up getting reports from the school about it, but he only heard about it then from Bio Mum around December, and then it was straight away maybe like two or three days after, and she came back to my husband and was like, Look, he's gonna trial this new medication, he's got these new supports coming in, so we're gonna trial removing the weekday for a month and see if it benefits him. Like, we've been told that he should have like consistent routine during the week for school, which is fair enough, transitions obviously are really difficult, and regulation is a big thing to play in that, so we'll trial that. But my husband obviously wasn't too happy about that because it was another day then being removed and that he wouldn't see his son. So he just stood his ground basically and was like, I'm happy to adjust schedules if they need to, but I need kind of evidence of this to back it up that that's what professionals have suggested, and that conversation is still ongoing now to this stage, and they've only now kind of agreed to go to mediation. It was half agreed before that they would go to mediation, but it just didn't really feel comfortable going to the same person that they'd gone to years ago as well, because obviously he came away from it back then with a lot less access.

Katie South 12:12

Yeah, yeah. So you've got to the point where your partner's seeing his child every other weekend and once every other week in the week. Yeah. How is it like for you building a relationship with a little boy in those years?

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Um, easier than I thought. And I think it was just so normalized for me that there was kids in my life that I like I love being around kids. Um, I love not being around them all the time as well. So, like when I have the energy for it, which I was quite good for, I was quite young as well, like mid-twenties. So I was able to put on that fun auntie kind of a role, and like I love that, and that's I think what I'm built for is that kind of a role as well. So it was a lot easier than I thought. Like, he's a phenomenal little kid as well, like he's so funny, and I'm quite like arts and crafts in the house, and like would be reading a lot and quite spiritual. So I'd have loads of crystals around the house as well, and he is mad about them, and we'd be like making potions and stuff, and like doing spells and that together. So it was always quite easy. Like, my husband was very accepting of like, if you're in this, this is us doing it together, so don't feel like that you can't, I suppose, tell them off if you need to tell them off, or make those boundaries if you need to as well. So that obviously was really helpful and nice as well. That I suppose when we had them every other weekend, the transition was tough because I'm sure you've heard a lot of this as well. That when the child is in one household, it could be seven or eight days before we'd see him again. So we've had those seven or eight days of whatever style of parenting they would do, and then he would come to us, and we would have a very different style of parenting, and I think maybe a little bit I don't want to say more relaxed, but like yeah, I suppose it'd be a little bit less rules. Maybe that comes with only having them every so often, is like you'd try to discipline some parts, but then he's only here for two days, so it's difficult to do that. Tricky kind of knowing, okay, what mood is he gonna be in when we pick him up and what would have happened during the week to upset him or whatever.

Katie South 14:43

And would there be any comms? Because at that point he's still really young, right? So if he's coming to you, would his mum ever update you on things that might have been going on or things that might have been important that might have affected him?

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Never, never, never, never, and still never now. I think that's the most difficult part because that's what I find, I suppose, most difficult is that you go to pick him up for a weekend and your anxiety just starts to build because you don't know what's happened that week previous that he might be upset about. And if one bad thing happens or one negative thing happens, that's what he holds on to rather than eight days of good things. It's that one little thing that will just take over his little mind. That was definitely difficult because it got to a stage where you'd pick him up and you just wouldn't know what kind of headspace he'd be in, and it could be really negative, and we wouldn't have a breeze of what's happened, or if he was being sick, or there was one case he ended up going to the hospital. We found out the next week that he was in the hospital.

Katie South 15:48

I think it's really difficult because I'm obviously a bio mum as well outside of the situation, and I a little bit different now because my son's 16, so he can message his dad if there's something wrong. You know, he got injured at football the other week. My ex has actually said to me, You don't need to tell me this stuff about him, I can work it out with him. But I think I've always gone for the point of it's really easy to send a short factual message. This has happened in the last couple of weeks, he might be feeling a bit wobbly about it, and then they know they can do what they want with it. If they want to ask questions, they can. If they just want to ignore it, they can anyway. But but I do think there is certainly when one parent hasn't been with a child and something significant's happened, it's very helpful to let the other parent know because ultimately you you want to show up in a way that's gonna be best supporting your stepson for the position he's in that day.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Yeah, 100%. And it's like even say if we had plans for him for that weekend, and say he's been out of school sick the last couple of days, and we have no idea. So we take him to those plans, he's exhausted, he's not in the mood, he's super cranky and really overstimulated. And then I feel like he would go back and be like, Oh, they brought me outloads and I didn't get to relax, but we don't know what he needs because there's no communication of what his mood has been like. So, how are you meant to navigate your weekend or your time with them if you're not aware of what impacts have been happening over the week leading up to that?

Katie South 17:25

And what's happened when presumably you've asked the mum to just share anything like that?

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Oh, it's super brief texts of he's fine, he's okay, he's good. Like nothing else, nor for a school app now that we can see when he's been in school or not in school. That's the only reason that we actually know that he's been sick or out of school or anything like that. Any texts that my husband will send, you know, how is he doing this week? If he wants to call, whatever, let him know if they're away on holidays, whatever, he's good, he's fine, he's good. That's the most information that we'll ever get.

Katie South 18:52

Really weird, isn't it? I don't hear a lot of um, we wish we could have more communication from bio mom stories.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

And like that, I could totally understand because of the stories that I've heard on the episodes, but like that is the biggest challenge, and God knows. I've said this to my mom, like in the past, of like, I wish I could just like shake her and just be like, This isn't doing anybody any good, like, how can you not see? And I don't know, is it because of this kind of dynamic that it's so difficult because obviously my husband is so in it, they had a relationship, then they had a baby. Is it so clouded by past feelings or whatever happened between them in the past that that's clouded their actual judgment, or like that overtakes the love for the child in a way?

Katie South 19:47

Why did they break up?

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Uh so they were together a couple of months and then got pregnant, and they lived then in my husband's family home for a little while with his parents and siblings, and then uh the relationship very much broke down. Obviously, I've only heard one side, but uh my kind of perspective of it is that the relationship broke down. I've heard from my husband's friends who also knew him around that time, and there was Snapchat sent from by a mum to some of his friends that were a little bit explicit, let's say, and then it was turned to oh well you did it first, and all these accusations kind of being thrown around. So it was very, very messy.

Katie South 20:38

And then I guess if you've only been dating a couple of months when you find yourself pregnant, that's really difficult because probably that relationship would not have stayed the course if a baby wouldn't have come along anyway. So it's it's hard, and they didn't necessarily know each other that well to have a foundation or even parent together, let alone co-parent.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So just from my perspective, since the relationship breakdown, it has just been very like biome decides what's going on, makes all the decisions, and it would maybe be seen as co-parenting, but I don't think it really is because obviously my husband has doesn't even know what doctor like he goes to. Obviously, he's asked for answers of these questions, and it's very minimal or just ignored. I just don't know how it makes sense. I don't know how they've gotten to this stage the child being nine years old and it's still going on like this. Surely there has to be some sort of give and take or some sort of leeway that like you can see that the child asks for more time. He comes to us and he's like, I'm only here for a day. And the way that the hours work, it is realistically only one full day on the weekend. So it's Friday after school to Sunday mid-morning with lunchtime, so it's a very short amount of time for him, and he's asked multiple times, I wish we had more time, but it just hasn't been received from the other party.

Katie South 22:13

I think I've say a lot on the podcast for a lot of women it's really hard to share your kids. For a surprising amount of women, it's actually not hard to share your kids. For many, it is. Do you think that's what's going on with her? Or do you think it's about concern for her son's stability? What do you think her rationale is for not allowing him or encouraging him to spend more time with dad?

SPEAKER_01 22:38

I don't think she wants anything to do with him. They're just thinking, and she's said this in the past that it would be a lot easier if he would just do. Disappear and just not be involved. But I know that there's a lot of parents out there who are in situations like that where they might have had a child with a man and he doesn't pay maintenance, doesn't want anything to do with it. And you've got, from my perspective, here you've got a man who just wants to be involved in his child's life, wants to be able to take him to doctor's appointments and know what's happening and support him in that. He has the same sort of neurodivergency as well, so he has quite a lot of like lived experience, he understands what the kid's going through at the moment as well, the way that his brain works. So I just see it as a benefit, but I just think she doesn't want anything to do with it anymore. She's engaged to her partner who she's been with for the last nine years, and there just doesn't seem to be any acceptance that my husband could have also found someone who makes them very happy and has created this safe loving home that her child gets to come and be involved in that and have fun with that. Does she have other children? No, just him.

Katie South 23:59

Yeah. How has it affected yours and your partner's relationship when he is going through this emotional pull of not having his son with him so often and not having the relationship with his son he wants?

SPEAKER_01 24:11

It's definitely difficult at times. I think uh there was definitely a time, a couple of years, maybe at the beginning, where he didn't feel like he was a good enough parent, and maybe that's what he had been told in the past. And I felt like a lot of my role, maybe at the beginning, was like reassurance of like this is your kid, you are a good dad, you're here, you're showing up. And I think in the years kind of leading up to now, we've figured out a little bit on how to work through it. That in some parts he does just need help in some aspects of uh the communication side of things, so like even just maybe getting in touch with the mediation services and that kind of thing, of like the reassurance of you are doing the right thing by doing this. Do you know what I mean? Like, nobody's gonna come knock on your door and say, You're a shit dad, and like get out of here. I think that's a lot of the beginning of my role. Maybe I got a little bit overwhelmed with that and being like, that's the only thing that I'm in here for. But within the years now, recently even getting married in that, I think we've definitely figured out a little bit of a better system of we can talk about it for a certain amount of time, and then that's it. It's not gonna do us any good because we're just gonna keep like rolling into it, if that makes sense. So he obviously needs to talk about it every now and again. He has friends that he can talk to about it as well that will understand the situation. So I think just not really relying on each other as much to be the emotional carriers of that after a weekend when we do the drop back, we can talk about it for 10-15 minutes and then we will go get a coffee or we'll go for a walk, or we'll do something to reset ourselves and bring us back into like okay, but we did have a good weekend, and there was these little parts, and yeah, that was difficult and it's tough to get a handle on that, but now we're back to being a couple for the next couple of days, so you know what I mean. So I think that's definitely helped.

Katie South 26:25

Yeah, there's a lot of value in having almost like a physical reset or a physical shift so you can get everything out that you want to get out. What I work with a lot of clients on is okay, well, in that moment, how do you stop from going into spiraling and venting and just supporting each other and winding each other up about the situation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's really helpful is to, like you say, give yourself a time, get it off your chest. Then I find, then what works a lot of the time is to say, okay, is there anything that we need to do change the situation? If so, what write it down, get clear on your plan of what you may or may not need to do. Or just say, This needs to breathe, like we need to just leave it and we're not gonna let it dominate our lives. And then for a lot of people, what helps is as you say, get a bit of fresh air, go outside, go for a run, go to the gym, go and have a shower and put some different clothes on. It's very much like you need to tell your brain you're stepping out of one zone and into another. You can't literally go, right, 20 minutes on the clock, then 20 minutes goes, and you say, Okay, now we're all happy, everything's great. You need that reset. You really, really do need that reset. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

And I think that's a big thing for us, is just being like our mood shift when we just get outside, is like it's a bit traumatic sometimes because we could be in like just regular kind of you wake up, you're not really feeling up to it. There could be stresses from the week, work, whatever. And as soon as we're outside in the park for five minutes, it's just all of a sudden we both feel so much more alive again. So that definitely it's just keeping on that. Yeah, we need to go outside now.

Katie South 28:07

And especially a lot of the time when you feel down or you feel stressed, or you you know you need to do it, but you don't feel like doing it. So you really have to force yourself. So I really like gardening. So if I've had something that's happened, you know, or if something's not going well, I'll be like, right, I'm gonna go out in the garden and just get in with the plants and it really helps.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Yeah, yeah. And I think like where we live as well, it's kind of on a farm. So when I look outside, it's just a huge big field as far as you can see. So that's amazing because there's nobody else around us that we can have that outside time, you're open the door and you're just out in nature. Yeah, definitely.

Katie South 28:49

I probably can guess the answer to this, but do you have any relationship with your stepson's mum?

SPEAKER_01 28:55

No, uh no, I don't. So we did meet when my husband and I first got together. We met at a cafe with my husband and I and her partner, and we met just so she obviously would know who I was, I suppose that like I'm involved in your son's life now, and very minimal kind of conversation directed at me, and then a lot of kind of snippy comments about my husband's ex that he had been seeing maybe a year or two before me, but after her, he did obviously see somebody, and like she brought that up quite a lot of oh, you know, like you did see that girl or whatever, and there was not really like clean slate kind of thing. There was a lot of very like backhanded comments, even, and then I think we've sat down with her less than five times in the last six or seven years, and then just never like looking at me and speaking. Do you know what I mean? It's just like even doesn't want to acknowledge that I'm in this situation, like my partner had asked before we let her know that he changed jobs and that his schedule would be a little bit more flexible than that. And her response was, Oh, we're already working around three people's rosters at the moment, so her her partner and my husband. So I'm just this little I don't know, fairy in the background, it doesn't exist.

Katie South 30:27

Also, it sounds like you're not off you're not asking for anything to be changed to accommodate you, you're more offering up that you can support a bit more if needed.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

100%, 100%. Like I think, and with the schedules as well that the four of us have with work, I'm the most flexible, and I find it bizarre because the way that that works, it doesn't get utilized maybe as much as it could. And I would always look at it as like surely you'd want to go and have an extra night off or like go away for a couple days or that kind of thing. But anytime that is the case, my stepson is minded by his stepdad's parents rather than my husband. Here aren't we asked for anything like we're not asking for more flexibility, we're offering up more support for them as well, and it's just never accepted.

Katie South 31:25

And also, as much as he might like his stepdad's parents, I really believe that unless there are big safeguarding concerns or for whatever reason if one set of parents aren't around, then it's usually best for the child to be with the other set of parents. Yeah. But how has it affected you being almost sidelined in this child's life?

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Very difficult because when he's with us, I have a lot of responsibility if my husband's in work. And say on the midweek day, I'd pick him up and I'd do the whole evening routine of bringing him home, doing dinner, doing homework, whatever, getting himself ready for bed, doing lunches, all that. And then I think it's the most difficult part about it is being that I'm not even acknowledged of like I do all this for this kid, but I feel like if I wasn't here, this place would fall apart. So I think it's so difficult, which is definitely something that I'm doing at the moment, is learning how to uh separate it and not let it just completely take over. Like you could sit down and get into such a spiral. There was months that I was like, but why doesn't she like me? Why does she have this beef with me? Because I feel like I've been nothing but nice. Like I would see myself as like super sound. So I'm like, why doesn't she think the same? And uh, I think I've realized that it doesn't matter what she thinks, whatever narrative she spun about me and my husband, that I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for the kid. He's obviously needs all these people. That's the way that I would look at it. He's in this situation because he needs four parents at the moment, each of them giving him different things that he might need, whether that's emotional safety for more, whether it's the kind of rough and tumble fun, whatever. Like he's getting something different from each person, and whatever I'm giving him, that's what he's needing right now. And I think for me as well, because there's definitely situations where he gives me that kind of comfort as well, without getting too deep into it. I think kids definitely heal different parts of you that you didn't learn needed to be healed until you're in it. And I'm definitely gonna start crying. I was like, I'll hold it in for the duration. I would very much think that a part of my role with him is to teach him that like he does have a voice because I didn't have much of one when I was growing up, and teaching him that like if you don't like something, say you don't like it. And obviously, he's I say he's a bit autistic, I'm autistic, and the way that we kind of use language around it, some people might not love, but he would very much say, like, that's disgusting, and I'm like, okay, maybe a little bit nicer than that. Like, but I think making sure that he knows that what he says or what he wants isn't going to be ignored, and maybe that was the most difficult part of feeling sidelined was that that's what I got when I was growing up, and then that's what I'm back in now, and I found that really difficult. But I think a part of the like healing is just doing what he wants to do sometimes, like if he wants to do crafts or kind of a parallel play, I think they call that, or like an open-ended play, is like really beneficial for kids on the spectrum or kids with neurodivergence because there's no demand, or there's no you need to do it this way, it's so open and you can do whatever you want. And I feel like he gets a lot out of that, but I get so much out of that because I just get to be that kid again of like there's nothing that we need to win or like complete, it's just let's just see what happens, and I think that definitely that's helped a lot. Yeah, that's helped a lot.

Katie South 35:48

You're okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:50

Yeah, yeah, I definitely didn't think I had a feeling that I won't, but I was like, oh, maybe I can hold it in just talk about the heavy stuff, but I think that's what it all is, isn't it?

Katie South 36:02

And a lot of the time you have to go to the heavy stuff to understand. Definitely. Oh, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 36:10

I think sometimes it's easy to forget, and I think with like step wrong specifically, that it's easy to forget and get wrapped up in how the adults are seeing the situation, and forget that it's actually the kid that you're in it for, not another woman that you don't speak to.

Katie South 36:33

Do you mind me asking what's felt hardestly during this whole thing?

SPEAKER_01 36:40

I think realizing that you've been sidelined is not being accepted or not being acknowledged when like you're doing everything in your power to just show up for a kid who needs that support, but I think not being acknowledged in the process of that is like like all the work that you're doing and in somebody else's mind, it would be easier if you weren't around. And I find that really I find that really difficult to comprehend because just all the stuff that we that I'm doing, and I'm like, I could not do it. I could just turn around and say, no, I'm not gonna pick him up anymore. I'm gonna go off every week and uh he's here now, and let's see how that pans out. I think it's I think it's a part of that of not being accepted when you're trying to parent somebody else's kid and you're like, what am I doing it for then? And I think that's when it's a trickiness of remembering, like, well, you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for that kid.

Katie South 37:54

So what would help you feel more accepted?

SPEAKER_01 38:01

I don't know. That's such a tough one. Uh maybe like some sort of uh realization from the others of like you'd actually want to be involved. And it's feels so silly to say be allowed, be involved, but yeah, it's like to be the kind of parents that we want to be, and that we know that we can be within this kid's life, whereas we're not really, because we don't have that information, because we don't have the kind of communication and maybe a realization of figuring out how much this is actually damaging the kids, and some sort of a light bulb moment of that. I think even once just for the biome to be a little bit accountable of yeah, I see the mistakes that I've made, because obviously everybody makes mistakes constantly, like nobody nobody's ever gonna be a perfect parent all the time, but for people who are trying really, really hard, like obviously us and so many other step-parents, and that of maybe just want an accountability of like, yeah, I've been a bitch however many years, and I'm sorry, I wasn't ready to accept it, or I was jealous, or whatever it is. I made a mistake, let's just be grown-ups and move on now, because the kid's gonna be better for it.

Katie South 39:32

You never know, do you, what someone else is going through, and you never know what's driving their decisions, and it's so easy to sit. I see it a lot of the time with the women I work with, and I've seen it in my own life when assumptions have been made about me, and it's like that's not even what's going on. It's really hard in those dynamics. I really feel for you and your husband because you're so on the back foot, and it feels like when you're in a situation with a mum who doesn't want to or who isn't willing to share the important things, you know. I'm just thinking about like in the last week or so, my son that I share, his parents' evening had come up, and his dad doesn't reply to those emails. But I always arrange the parents' evening appointments, send him the link, let him know that he can join them if he wants, or that he can arrange his own appointments if he wants. Because why wouldn't you want both your parents to have a handle on your kids' education? Um and it's sad because you're right, the child misses out. And if you've got a little boy there who's only seeing his dad and his stepmom every other weekend and once every other week, well it's not a lot of time.

SPEAKER_01 40:45

It's not a lot of time, it's less than 10 days a month, and it's this tiny little fraction of his life that it's like you just get to have a little like a peephole into it, and you get this really quick glimpse. So it's just like I always maybe it's a bad way to think about it, but I'm like, what happens when he's in his 20s and he's in therapy? And he's gonna be like, actually, this is what's given me that like all that trauma.

Katie South 41:12

And honestly, just that alone shows how much you care about him because I most people will probably be in therapy about something. Um but you know, and sometimes, as you'll probably know, when you get to be an adult, you can look back clearly and see things how they really were, but then also that brings up quite a lot of pain because you think, oh gosh, this child is gonna realize what was actually going on. And even if it sort of quote unquote exonerates you, you know that then that child's gonna have to sit with some really uncomfortable stuff. So I hear you on this, I do I do this myself, and I often think, well, how's how's that gonna pan out? And how's that gonna pan out? But you know, like you are doing, all you can do is be there, do the best you can for them at in that moment and support your husband, and also make sure that you're getting the right support. So when we first started speaking, you said, I never wanted to go out with a man with kids. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:17

Where are you now on that? Oh gosh, I just if I had any friends that were gonna get involved, I know people say it all the time, oh, you know what you're getting yourself in for. I don't think any woman has any idea what is involved in a step parent dynamic of this because you could be walking into anything, you could be walking into two co-parents who do it beautifully and who have it down to a T and it's yeah, you can have them an extra couple of nights, yeah, cool, whatever. And it's so amicable, but I don't think oh, I don't know. I don't think I would change what I've experienced because it's definitely caught me like a hell of a lot, but I think I would have looked for resources like yours years previously than I actually found it. I think just having the knowledge that like for so long you think that nobody else gets what you're going through, and then to have actually found your podcast and so many of the episodes, and I was like, oh my god, oh they're going through well, that sounds so similar. There's other women out there, and having that sort of like community, I think, trying to find community sooner, or just openly talking about it as like, yeah, it is a shit show, but that's what I'm doing right now. But like you're doing it for the kids, so I think to make sure that maybe I talk about it a little bit more openly, or just to not let it take over as well, just like to keep like supporting myself, not putting my own stuff on hold for the sake of other situations, and I think that's why the stepmum role and what's going on for us at the different times in our life can end up affecting or occasionally dominating the whole of the rest of your other life.

Katie South 44:24

I've worked with women who will say to me, I work from home twice a week and I spend so much time researching things online to help my stepkids or to find out about family court or to do this or to do the other. And it leaks into all aspects of your life. So what I always say to the women I work with is, you're allowed. To work this out for yourself. You're allowed to focus on your own needs. You're allowed to figure out what works for you in the role and what doesn't. But as you said earlier, because people don't talk openly about so many of the uncomfortable emotions, it stops other women from being able to speak up. And one of the things I love, love, love about this podcast and the work I do with clients is that it's somewhere where they can say the unsayable. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

I think I laughed so loud one day listening to one of the episodes because you asked a woman, I can't remember now her name, but you asked the woman, would it be easier if your stepkids weren't around? And she said, Yeah. And I was like, fuck. Yeah. It's like because you're scolded if you go off and live your own life, and if you go and make plans the weekend that the kids are around, but then if you don't do that, and then you're around, you're trying to like step on toes, or like you're trying to take over the mother's role, and it's like fuck just let me do what I want to do. I'm not trying to take over anything, I'm just trying to be involved, but you can't do ant and right in it. Like, you can't please everybody, somebody's always gonna have an opinion, so fuck it. Just do whatever you want to do.

Katie South 46:09

And one of the things that is so powerful is when women realize I can't change what anybody thinks of me. I can try and I can bend myself and stretch myself, and nobody's gonna give me a you know, best stepmum of the year trophy, and I'll be miserable, or I can go and do the things I want to do and create a world that feels good for me. I'm still not gonna get the trophy, but at least I'm gonna be having a nice life.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

Yeah, yeah. And then in retrospect, of the more that you I'm like, I'm so aware of this, it's like the more that you look after yourself, the better mindset, the better mood that you're gonna be in, the better that you can show up for other people. Like husband, stepson, step kids. If you're constantly like, oh, I need to do this and just automatically take on all those parental roles without I suppose remembering that, like, well, hang on, I'm not gonna get a trophy at the end of this, so why am I breaking my back for it? I think that's maybe the main thing. People aren't gonna be happy anyway, so maybe try not to stress out so much about making them happy or trying to appease them, just go do what you want to do.

Katie South 47:22

Yeah, and there's definitely something in there, and I again I see this a lot of women like almost over-functioning, trying to earn their place, like oh well, if I do that, then I'll be seen as good enough, or if I do that, then I'll not be seen as a wicked stepmum, or and then you're like constantly, constantly, constantly giving, and you're in this cycle and you're over-functioning as a stepmom to get an acceptance that's maybe never gonna come, and then is it actually gonna fulfill you when it does come?

SPEAKER_01 47:55

So, even like earlier on when you said what would like acceptance look like or that, I was like, I don't actually know because I think obviously maybe deep something deep inside me is like you don't actually want that, it's not gonna fulfil you even if you do get it. Why should somebody else's opinion give me the fulfillment that obviously I need to give myself? Nobody else can do that for me. And I think the obviously step mum is such a like societal kind of built-up construct of oh yeah, you can't do too much, but if you go and do your own thing, then you're seen as this like oh you just waltz in and waltz out whenever you want, and like you end up burning yourself out to an extreme kind of state, and for why? For what? It's not doing anybody any good, it's not doing you any good. I think that's it's tough, obviously, when there's so much shit going on in the background that you have to remind yourself of, okay, but that's not my life, that's maybe a part of it, like a piece of the pie of who I am, but it that doesn't make my whole personality just because I'm a stepmom for between these hours or these days.

Katie South 49:11

And like you say, it's so important to not let that dominate because it will seep into every area of your life if you if you let it. Yeah. Well, look, it's been so nice to talk to you today. It's flown by the time. Thank you so much. Um, but thank you so much for sharing with us, and I really hope that you go and arrange some nice things for you to do that you want to do that will be good to your mind, body, spirit, and keep you steady.

SPEAKER_01 49:43

I definitely am, I definitely am. I'm off for the whole week now, so I'm gonna have a lovely little holiday on my own, do some yoga, go get my hair a little new tattoos. It's gonna be very fulfilling for me.

Katie South 49:56

Good. Well, look, you take care and thank you so much for getting in touch and thank you for sharing your story. We can only make the podcast because of women like you who are brave enough to come and talk to me. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Yeah, thank you so much, Katie. It was honestly unbelievable to talk to you at last. So yeah, thank you. Thank you so much.

Katie South 50:18

I absolutely loved that conversation with Julia, and I so appreciated her courage and vulnerability in sharing what it really feels like when it feels like you're on the outside. If you were listening and thinking, yes, that's exactly how I feel, then please know you are not the only one trying to make sense of it. There are so many of you carrying this quietly, caring deeply, trying to get it right, wanting the family to work and still feeling the weight of it in ways that are hard to explain. Because from the outside it can all look fine, but inside you are constantly adjusting yourself, second guessing, and holding things together. So if this episode resonated, please do follow the podcast in your app. And if you haven't already, it really helps if you rate and review. It means that more step mums can actually find us. And if there's someone you're thinking of as you're listening, please send it to her. Or if it will help your partner understand things a bit better, please send it to them. Sometimes just knowing that someone else gets it makes a bigger difference than anything else. We'll be back soon with another new episode. Till then, take care.