Why High-Conflict Co-Parenting Leaves Stepmums Exhausted

If you’re a stepmum who has felt pulled into conflict you didn’t create, this conversation will feel painfully familiar.
Kathryn shares what it’s like when co-parenting stress, stepfamily dynamics and trying for a baby all sit inside the same relationship. 

If this episode feels familiar, The Stepmum Reset is where we go deeper into this: Find out more here: Stepmum Reset
Or book a clarity call with Katie to talk it through: 

Kathryn met her husband when his daughter was two. From the outside, it could have looked simple: a new relationship, a little girl getting to know her dad’s partner, and a stepmum trying to do the right thing.

But behind that was years of high-conflict co-parenting, changing contact patterns, arguments about clothes, phones, messages, introductions, and the constant feeling that Kathryn’s place in the family could be accepted one minute and challenged the next.

In this episode, Kathryn talks honestly about the emotional toll of stepfamily life: the way conflict can quietly dominate a couple’s relationship, how hard it is not to defend yourself when someone has a version of you that feels completely unfair, and why parallel parenting and stepping back from conflict brought more peace than years of trying to explain.

We also talk about another deeply complicated layer: trying for a baby when your partner already has a child. Kathryn shares the grief, unfairness and uncertainty of fertility struggles inside a blended family, and the longing to have “our own” child together without diminishing the love she has for her stepdaughter.

This is a grounded, honest conversation about stepmum struggles, high-conflict co-parenting, fertility grief, and the strange relief that can come when stepchildren grow older and start to understand more than you ever thought they would.

WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE:
 • Why conflict with an ex can take over a couple’s relationship, even when it looks like you’re arguing about “small” things
 • How clothes, phones and contact arrangements can become battlegrounds for power and control
 • The emotional cost of being accepted, rejected, included and pushed out as a stepmum
 • Why parallel parenting and grey rock can bring relief in high-conflict stepfamily dynamics
 • What it feels like to try for a baby when your partner already has a child
 • The grief and unfairness that can sit underneath stepmum resentment
 • Why things can shift as stepchildren get older and begin to understand more of the wider picture

THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU IF:
 • If you’re a stepmum who feels exhausted by co-parenting stress that keeps spilling into your home
 • If you’re a stepmum who has tried to be reasonable, kind and fair, but still ended up feeling blamed
 • If you’re a stepmum who finds it hard not to defend yourself when someone has the wrong version of you
 • If you’re a stepmum who is trying for a baby, or grieving the possibility that it may not happen
 • If you’re a stepmum who loves your stepchild but still longs for a child that feels like “ours”
 • If you’re a stepmum who needs to hear that it can get easier, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now

Transcript

Katie South 0:00

Sometimes it's not the big dramatic moments in step family life that really weigh you down. It's the message that lands just as you're sitting down to enjoy your evening, or the argument about clothes that really isn't about clothes. Or maybe it's the child's phone becoming just another route for conflict to enter your home. Or the way you and your partner tense up with each other, even though you both know that the real pressure is coming from somewhere else. Hello, I'm Katie South, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum life. So whether you've been a stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. My guest today is Catherine, and today we'll be talking about her 13 years of being a stepmum. We'll talk about high conflict communication, parallel parenting, loving a stepchild through complicated dynamics and the quiet emotional impact of trying for a baby with someone who already has a child. And on that note, we will be talking a bit about infertility and baby loss in this episode. So please take care. So today I'm really happy to welcome Catherine to the show. Hi Catherine, how are you? Hi, I'm good. Thank you. Are you? Yeah. Firstly, thank you ever so much for getting in touch with me. When I listened to your voice note, there was a lot in your story, and I'm really looking forward to delving into it today. I know there's going to be a lot of things that you'll talk about that other people will be familiar with in many different ways. So, do you want to start by telling us a little bit about when you and your now husband met one another?

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Um, yeah, so we met about 13 and a half years ago. It was one of those things where we had mutual friends and we just kept bumping into each other. But I was a bit hesitant about getting involved just because he knew family members and stuff, and I was like, if we start a relationship and doesn't work out, then it's just gonna make it awkward for everyone. But anyway, we ended up in Butlands actually on a weekend away, and we just kept bumping each other. So he was just like, Can I take you out on a date when we get back? Um, so I said yeah, and then when we got back, we went out on a date.

Katie South 2:27

Heard Butlands being the centre of a romance story.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

I love it. No, no, yeah. And it kind of it kind of became a thing. My Hendoo actually ended up being there as well. Love him. So yeah, we went out on a date, and on the date, he was pretty open. I knew he had a daughter, but he was pretty open about that when he was there. We spoke a lot about her on the date, the first date, he was quite an involved dad, and we had to coordinate dates around when he didn't have his daughter. And then it just went from there, really. How old was his daughter at the time?

Katie South 3:01

She would have been two at the time. And given that you'd known sort of him through friends for a while, did you know his ex-partner?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

No, even though we had mutual friends, we'd never met each other prior to like probably the six months before we met properly in Butlins.

Katie South 3:19

And how long had you been separated when you guys got together?

SPEAKER_00 3:24

They split up when my stepdaughter was only a few months old, so they'd been split up for quite a while before we'd started dating.

Katie South 3:35

So tell me about the early days of getting to know him and dating him, and then how you met his daughter.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

So we were just dating, uh, we were staying at each other's houses, but you know, when he did had his daughter, I wasn't there. And then when we started to get serious, my partner's ex had an idea he was seeing somebody at the time. So he broached the idea to her that he wanted me to meet her, my stepdaughter, and she was having none of it. She said, No, it's coming up to Christmas. Don't so it was like, okay, that's fine after Christmas, then we'll do it. He then broached the idea to her again after Christmas, and she still said she wasn't happy and didn't want it to happen.

Katie South 4:23

And did she give it, did she give any reason why she was worried about it?

SPEAKER_00 4:29

She just said she wasn't ready and that my stepdaughter was still quite young. She just didn't like the idea of it at all. She didn't feel comfortable with it. But she was like, Yeah, after Christmas it'll be fine. So we waited till after Christmas. It was quite funny, actually. I went round on New Year's Eve when my stepdaughter was in bed and she never knew. And I've told her in recent years, I was like, Oh yeah, I was like downstairs in the living room and you didn't know I was there. And then after midnight, I just went home. So yeah, that was the only time I've ever been around when she was there, but she didn't know I was there.

Katie South 4:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And then I got three tickets to see like a Madagascar Disney thing. And I said to my partner, Shall we go to this and meet your stepdaughter here? And I'll take my little brother. And he was like, Yeah, that'd be great. And he didn't broach the idea to his ex. He was just like, I'm just gonna do it. I'm not waiting around anymore. It's getting on a bit now. So we took her and we met her, and she was still so young, so he was just like, Oh, this is dad's friend, and this is a brother, and she was more obsessed with my brother, so it was a great introduction. She just wanted to be with my brother, and then we dropped her off at her mum's house, and then she just hit the roof. And when she found out, we'd met and was like, You're not seeing her anymore, that's it, you've gone against what I've said. Um, so then she stopped my partner from seeing his daughter, and it got to a couple of weeks, and then she then decided he could see her, but it would be for a full weekend, so Friday to Sunday. So uh I kept out the way, and then she then decided she wanted it to be every other weekend, so he was seeing her then every other weekend, and yeah, it just carried on like that for a bit, but tried to keep my distance at the weekends, but then once my stepdaughter started to get to know me, she wanted me there at the weekends, so she'd be asking for me to go. So I'd go round, but I wouldn't stay over or anything like that on then weekends. I'd just say so.

Katie South 6:37

Your stepdaughter's mum hits the roof when you've taken her to Madagascar, says Dad can't see his daughter again. Horrific. I never understand why somebody would want to do that, but it happens all the time, and then she decides she can see him again. Um, presumably over the next few months, she knows that you're going there because her daughter's going home and saying, Oh, Catherine was at dad's.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Yeah, she knew, and as well, I would then be there helping with the pickups and drop-offs because she then refused. I'm not doing the pickups and drop-offs anymore. But then it was okay for me to do the pickups and drop-offs. Um, yeah, the messages were mixed. Sometimes it was okay for me to be there, and then other times it wasn't.

Katie South 7:21

And those early stages of forming the relationship with your now husband. How did it feel to be in that situation where sometimes it's okay for you to be there and you're wanted slash accepted, and other times you're told inadvertently via your stepdaughter's mum that it's not okay?

SPEAKER_00 7:44

It was quite confusing, it was hard work as well at the time. There was a lot of phone calls, there was a lot of messages, reams of messages. Then, because my partner moved on with me, then I think she was more active in dating then. So then she was more accepting of me when she was in a relationship or dating, and it was okay for my partner to see his daughter. But then when that didn't work out, then the high conflict would happen. So it it just became a pattern which we've got used to over the past 13 years.

Katie South 8:19

That must have been hard for your stepdaughter as well, then, because presumably she gets into a rhythm of oh, I'm seeing dad every other weekend, which isn't that much anyway. But then if that suddenly goes, that's got to be really hard for her.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Yeah, it was, and I think it was quite confusing for her, but she didn't really know how bad it was at the time. She understands now, but I don't think she really noticed. And if she did get upset or want to see a dad, then obviously she she would end up seeing him. Uh my partner would pick her up during the week or something if there was any upset or anything like that.

Katie South 9:46

Um so we've got the pattern that anyone who listens to this podcast will know is really familiar, where when Bio Mum gets a partner, things normally die down, she's got somewhere else to direct her energy, and then when she splits up with the partner, it seems to come back to you more.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Yeah, there was it feels like a long time ago now. There was just a lot of arguments, stuff about money and clothing. I remember there being an argument about clothing. She used to provide clothes, and then she said that an item of clothing had a hole in or something when it got returned to her. So then I was like, right, okay, we're having our own clothes here, and it got quite petty with things like that. We'd be like, okay, so this is our clothing. We'll wash her clothing that she's come in and then send her home in it. And that got quite petty.

Katie South 10:31

The thing is, though, it's never actually about the clothes, is it? It's always about what's going on underneath. And in that situation, it sounds very much like you guys just trying to find a way to have an easier life, and an easier life is just to have your own clothes so she can keep her stuff and you guys have your own stuff. I think there's so many stepmums that I work with who will talk about incidences like they're either about clothes or they're about food or they're about phones, but ultimately, underneath, it's often about that kind of somebody else trying to exert their power and influence in your home through any means they can. So it sounds like a smart move to just say we'll just get our own clothes and then we kind of get rid of this drama.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah, yeah. And it there was things like that happened. There was occasions where me and her would have a relationship and we would speak to each other. So we were having quite a good relationship, texting each other, giving each other updates. Uh, but then if her and my partner had an argument about something, then she would try and get me involved and I would see it from both sides. But obviously, I was probably a bit more biased to my partner, and then that relationship would just end. That happened probably about two or three times. We'd be okay with each other, and then they'd have an argument, and then she wouldn't want to talk to me. So yeah, that that happened for quite a bit.

Katie South 11:59

That's like a roller coaster for you emotionally to be having a relationship with your stepdaughter's mum for a bit, and then suddenly you're not, and then you are, and then you're not. How did you manage that?

SPEAKER_00 12:09

It was it was difficult. Now we have no relationship whatsoever, but yeah, it was hard because I did want to get on with her. I wanted it to be easy. I thought we could all get on. She'd moved on. We had our stepdaughter on a regular basis. But it seemed great. If I was in that situation, I feel like I would want to have a relationship or be civil. But yeah, it just never ended up like that. And then she found a partner and had a baby, and then we were going to like birthday parties. I remember there was a birthday party that we all went to. The you know, her new partner was there, and my stepdaughter loved it because we were all in one room together, and then she had the baby, and then there was a bit of awkwardness then, because my stepdaughter, she felt she was still quite young at the time. Because her mum had a partner and they had the baby. She was a bit like, Why can't I have that? Why can't my mum and dad be together? She was quite jealous, I think, at first. She was quite upset about it. There were times where her mum would say, Oh, she doesn't want to come, she wants to spend time with us and the baby. So then we had a bit of distance with not seeing her as regular. Then she ended up splitting up with that part about a couple of years after the baby had been born. She was really upset.

Katie South 13:41

So, how old was she when her mum and her sister's dad split up? I think when they split up, she was probably seven or eight. Um, and what was your relationship like with your stepdaughter during these years?

SPEAKER_00 14:00

We've always had a really good relationship from day one. Really good. We were really, really close. If I wasn't there on those weekends, she'd be ringing and saying, Are you coming round? She wanted to spend time with the both of us, but I always made sure her and her dad had time together. You know, I'd be like, No, I've got to work or I've got to do this.

Katie South 14:21

And did you find that you had the right balance for you of being with your partner and stepdaughter, but also doing your own thing?

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Yeah, yeah. And I made sure I did my own thing, and I always have, even now. So yeah, it we did have a good balance, and obviously we had that every other weekend at the time. So we had that weekend where we would do things together, yeah, and then we had a weekend where we'd do things as like a family. We'd always make sure we'd plan things, we'd always make sure our weekends were like family weekends. So when she got to about nine, and she got a phone for Christmas, and we weren't very happy about getting a phone. At nine, we said we didn't want her to have a phone, but her mum was insistent that she got this phone.

Katie South 15:14

There's gonna be so many people listening to this right now, and I'm doing the same thing, just like shaking my head. Like that, I mean, it was the same in our family. My stepchildren got phones way earlier than we would have liked, but obviously we didn't have a say. But that I know this is such a common thing. So for people listening, you aren't alone with this one, and it's really hard because every child wants a phone. So when mum gets them a phone, it's very exciting. And if you try and stop them having that phone in your house, you are automatically an ogre.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Yeah, yeah. So she got this phone, she was very excited about it, and then she was with us boxing day, and we went to my dad's, and she was just on this phone the whole time, and then she was with us the following day. I think her mum had work, and something happened where she'd been messaging her mum basically saying she wants to come home, and we were having her for a few days, but in order to take her home, because her mum was working another day, I'd planned a day to take her out with my friends. My friends had like a part, and because of where we're living it, we was just a bit like, we're not gonna take you back to then come back to us to then have you on this day, you might as well stay. Her mum was insistent that she came home, she needs to come home. So I just like lost it. I was like, just take her home, just take her home. She wants to go home, she can go home. So she took her home. And then it came to the day that she was working, and she was like, Well, are you gonna have her? Because I've got work. And it was like, Well, no, she's gone home. The plan was for her to stay this amount of time, so then we're not too in and fro in, and that caused a massive round. And then I don't think she came to us for a while, but then in the meantime, after Christmas, me and my partner split up. This had all accumulated. There'd been a lot going on around Christmas and before that, and then we just decided to split up in the January.

Katie South 17:18

And how much did the pressure of step-family life contribute to your separation from your partner?

SPEAKER_00 17:26

It wasn't the catalyst, but it was one of the reasons. And when we split up, it was a bit of a relief. Like, I'm I don't have to deal with all this because again, there was still quite a lot of high conflict at the time, and then we split up, and obviously, she had this phone and she knew me and her dad had split up, and she was messaging me, and she was telling me that she missed me, that she loved me, and I'd message her back because she's nine, and they don't understand that they want a message back, they don't want to be ignored. I was messaging her back, and then her mum was messaging me saying, Do not message my daughter, she's so glad you've split up. She called me so many names, it was awful. She was calling me all these names, she was messaging me off my stepdaughter's phone as well, off her own phone and the stepdaughter's phone. But my stepdaughter was still messaging me, and I I couldn't ignore it. And I said to her, I can't ignore her message when she messages me, it's not fair. Yeah, you need to ignore it.

Katie South 18:31

And here is just another reason why we don't give nine-year-olds mobile phones.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Mobile phones, yeah. Um, so then yeah, it I was getting all this, and I was telling my partner, I was like, I'm not dealing with this, you need to speak to her and tell her that.

Katie South 18:46

So at the time you'd split up, but you were in touch with I think your then ex-partner kind of saying, Sort this out.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Yeah, I'd moved in with a family friend, but we were still in contact because we still had the house and everything. And as time went on, we were speaking and we were working through things, and then she wanted to see me and on the weekends. She wanted to me to take a swim in because my partner couldn't take her, and she wanted me to take a swim in, so I took a swim in. And again, that was a problem. Why are you seeing her? You shouldn't be seeing her, and then after a few weeks, COVID hit, so we had COVID, and then we decided to work things out because of COVID. We had to move back in with each other, so we decided to work through things during COVID when we're in lockdown, we can't go anywhere.

Katie South 19:45

That's quite an intense time in a relationship to decide to give it another go. You're you're you're really all or nothing, aren't you?

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Yeah, yeah. We had started like counselling and stuff at the time as well, but yeah, we decided to give it another go and move back in with each other. And then I said to him, I was like, I am not dealing with this high conflict. If we're getting back together, this has to stop. We can't be dealing with this all the time. Because and what we found now, with there not being much high conflict anymore, is that did really cause a lot of our arguments. Notice now that we don't argue like half as much. We know now that that was a massive contributor because we don't have arguments about that anymore.

Katie South 20:30

And it's so funny, isn't it? Because even when you think that the step family situation isn't impacting the arguments in your relationship, as you say, once you remove it or it resolves, you do realize how much time it's been taking up in your own head, also in your relationship. Like so many of the couples that I work with will realize actually, this is almost dominating hours of many evenings a week, whether it's just the little details or discussing how to reply to a message or all these things, and it just sucks the energy and the like romance out of your relationship. So I'm glad you've got some professional help to work through that, and it sounds like actually that was great. So tell me, what do you think caused the conflict with your stepdaughter's mum to decrease?

SPEAKER_00 21:27

My partner, because obviously I'd said I will not give this relationship another go if this high conflict continues. I'm not having this from her. He had quite a big argument with her, and then obviously COVID happened and she knew we'd move back in with each other, but she wanted my stepdaughter to still see her dad. And at first there was a bit like, oh no, I don't think she should come because of COVID. And then it was is Catherine back for good then because I need to know because of the bubble kind of thing. And she then got in another relationship, she managed to find another relationship during COVID, and then she moved him in quite quickly, and then it just seemed to quieten down. And then I think since then, because there's been him and then after him, there was a bit of a break, and then there was somebody else who happened to be someone we knew, and then she's now with her current partner. There there's been quite a close succession of partners, so they've taken over the conflict, really. And also, we just don't engage we parallel parents. My my partner will just ignore any signs of conflict messages. You just ignore it. And as my stepdaughter's getting older, she's 16 now, we we've arranged things through her. We don't have to go through the mum anymore. We don't have to get we can speak to my stepdaughter about things without having to go through a mum. So it's just simmered down. It's easier.

Katie South 23:06

It is that is the one plus of stepchildren getting phones is that you can have more of a direct relationship with them. And whereas dads quite often would call mum's phone to speak to the child or send a message to pass on to mum's stepmums wouldn't necessarily always do that. So it is nice to feel like you can have that connection with her. I'm just thinking for your stepdaughter, how has she been on that side? Because it sounds like an awful lot of men to be going in and out of her home. I would be really worried about her.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Yeah, because we still continue the counselling now, and this is stuff that we do speak to them about in counselling. And as well, ironically, these men have been introduced to her quite quickly. Whereas me, I wasn't allowed to be introduced to her for quite a long time. And we've said so many times that if you are dating somebody, don't introduce them to her so quickly. Just tell us, just say, look, I'm dating somebody. Can you have her a bit more? Can she stay at yours a bit more? Because I don't want to introduce her yet. But she doesn't want to be honest with us about things like that. And it has affected her. And now with the new partner, she hasn't really got that much of a relationship with him. She's very standoffish. She doesn't want to get involved. I'm not surprised. Yeah, because when she was younger, obviously there were four, and sometimes they've got children as well. So it if they're of a similar age to her, it's just another child to play with. Yeah, it is. The one that was COVID time that moved in was actually a girl that she's at school with, like in her year. So when they split up, I was like, How is that even working out? She was like, Oh, we're not in many classes together, we don't really speak to each other. So, with that breakup, she had to share a room with this girl, and then all of a sudden they're not together, and she's still at school with her. As she's got older, she spends a lot more time here. It's it's verging on more than 50-50. And do you have a schedule now?

Katie South 25:34

She's 16, or does she just come and go as she pleases?

SPEAKER_00 25:38

We still keep the every other weekend just so that we can plan things. Now she's older. If we have got something planned, we can just leave her here. But we try not to plan things on those weekends. We can take her with us if needs be. But sometimes she'll stay at friends, so she'll come at our weekends, but be like, Oh, can I say it so-and-so's house? But she stays a bit more during the week. Uh every other weekend has stayed the same, but in terms of she comes and goes, and sometimes on her mum's weekend, she'll stay here as well. So, me and my husband, we got married two and a half years ago. Before we got married, we decided that we're married, we want to have our own child. So after we got married, we started trying pretty much straight away. I was expecting it to be straight away because I thought, well, he's had a child before, it's going to be quite instantaneous. But then months went on and it didn't happen, and it still not happened. So after a year, I went to the doctors, had all the preliminary tests that they give you, blood tests and stuff. Um, they said everything was fine. They sent my husband off for his sample, and that came back with low motility. So we was like, okay, well, the doctors didn't seem too worried. They was like, you know, you can just change your diet, lifestyle, things like that. So that is what we have done so far. No look, but we have recently had blood tests that have highlighted a couple of issues that we need to look into. The plan is to potentially go to I for IVF, but we are both a bit hesitant. With my stepdaughter getting older, I'm thinking she's getting older, probably a bit grossed out with the fact about having a baby in the family. And as well, I'd that's what makes me hesitant about IVF as well. We can't really hide it. If she was younger, we could potentially hide it, but with her being 16, it's not something you can really hide from a 16-year-old. And I'm not sure whether I want her knowing that journey. But yeah, and I um an arm and think, oh, do I now she's 16, we haven't got the young kid stage anymore. But I want us to have a baby ourselves, I want us to have our own family, even if it's just one, to join us all together, really. But yeah, I get a bit worried, and as well, I I get worried that maybe the mum might end up having another child with her current partner, and you know how I would feel about that. And I know I shouldn't worry about the other side, but yeah, it does concern me that she could have another baby, and then yeah, how I feel about that. It's a lot, yeah, it is hard. I mean, my husband, he's not bothering, he w really wants us to have a baby, but if I didn't want it, he's not too fussy then we have got nice life, but yeah, it's just hard to think that I did think it'd happen quite straight away, and it's just not as easy for us as it has been for my husband. Because when my husband had his daughter, it was it was very quick.

Katie South 29:01

I guess that makes it you know, it'd be really understandable for that to feel quite unfair.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Yeah, it it and it does, and as well with how my stepdaughter is now, her and a mum's relationship is very up and down, and I just think to myself, if I even though I treat her as my own, if she was my daughter, I'd be absolutely I'd think that lucky stars because she's not been really a hard teenager, uh, she was a really easy child, loving, and I'd be so happy that I'd had her, and I'd just want another one of her, really, for us to bring up and it'd be both of us and both of us on the same page.

Katie South 29:44

What do you think it would mean to you for your partnership for you guys to have a baby together?

SPEAKER_00 29:54

I think it'd just cement it really. I think we've done we've been together a long time, we've obviously been through our hurdles with having that break and then getting married. My husband, he'd say for years, oh I'm not too fussed about getting married, but for him to actually get married was a big thing, and it yeah, it just really cemented, and I think it'd just bring the four of you know, the three of us plus another one together, really. I worry that she's maybe a bit old too old, but to maybe for babies, but she loves kids. She's yeah, I think it would really bring us all together.

Katie South 30:30

Well, I really hope it happens for you. It's a lot to go through, and there's a lot of women I know who'll be listening who have been through a similar journey of not finding it easy to conceive and either going through IVF or making the decision not to have a baby of their own. So it's always a lot of emotions, and when your partner already has a child, that can make it feel really complicated as well.

SPEAKER_00 30:56

Yeah, yeah. My dad and step-mom they never had any children, and I always remember when I was growing up, people have been like, Oh, are your dad and stepmom gonna have any children? I'm like, Oh, I don't know, I've not really spoken about it. And it's not until I got older that my stepmum did say to us, like, yeah, we tried, but it just didn't happen for us, and we just made the decision that you know it wasn't for us, and that's it. And she must have gone through similar emotions to me. I think it's she has been quite honest that she's probably gone through similar emotions than what I have, and then but to me, I'm like none the wiser that I'm just like it's my dad and set mum. I just it doesn't make a difference to me that I didn't have a sibling with them.

Katie South 31:38

It's obviously played a part in their marriage, yeah, and in so many more relationships than I think we ever realise. Yeah, yeah. Um, you know, it's why it's why I can never, I can still never reconcile when people ask other people, oh, are you gonna have a baby soon or are you gonna have another one? Or and it's like you have no idea what is going on with someone's fertility. I can't believe that people ask those sorts of questions.

SPEAKER_00 32:05

Yeah, I probably was guilty of doing that myself when people got married, I'd be like, Oh, you're gonna have a baby. Uh, but now I I don't say anything like that anymore. Um I'm quite open with my friends about what's going on, uh, but yeah, it has been difficult because as well, with my friends had like children quite young, and obviously I'm my stepdaughter, so I could sort of fit in with that with her, but now their children are getting older, and I'm just like, I'm just gonna hopefully when it does happen, I'm just gonna be the only one with that the young baby. And my friends are starting to have a resurgence of being free because the children are a lot older now, whereas me, I'm just going through the trenches of trying for my own baby.

Katie South 32:51

I wish you every luck in the world on that, and just thank you so much for talking to me about it. I think the more we can open up about the difficult things, the the easier it makes it. I mean, that's the whole point of this podcast, right? To talk about all the complicated emotions that we feel as stepmums, because a lot of the time we feel really alone in them, but we're not. I see it all the time in the workshops I run. Somebody will start speaking about something resentment, jealousy, frustration, and all the other women in the group will just start nodding because it's that moment where you're like, I'm not the only one, other people get it. I can say how it really feels here. So thank you so much for sharing how that feels. So you've been, you mentioned that you'd been together with your husband for 13 years. If you were um starting your stepmum journey now, what advice would you give yourself?

SPEAKER_00 33:55

I'd probably just say it does get easier. And I got told that quite a few times when I was going through the trenches, but they do get older. I remember the family friend who I lived with at that time when we had the split, she did say to me, She's not gonna be nine forever, she is going to be older and she is gonna understand a lot more of what you're going through. Because I never thought she would. When I was going through the trenches, I thought she's always gonna be loyal to a mum, and she is, but she understands so much, and I never thought she'd she'd understand, and she does. And I did go back to that family friend the other week actually and said, You're right, it does get easier, and I know it's hard when you are in the midst of it, but yeah, it it does get easier, and I'd say try the parallel parenting grey rock theory a lot earlier. I wish we had just shut things down a lot or just ignored it. I think in the early days we did probably engage in the conflict more than we should have, and maybe if we'd have started ignoring it a lot earlier, we'd have been a lot happier.

Katie South 35:11

Yeah, it's a it's such a natural instinct to want to defend yourself or want to or for your partner to want to defend themselves, but it doesn't really get you anywhere. And I know I talk a lot with clients about perception and how sometimes what you think's going on might not actually be what's going on at all. And if you can take back some of that control and say, Well, do you know what I'm not gonna invest my energy in this? It's just very difficult for people to accept that other people have a version of them that isn't real because we of course want to defend ourselves. But I think you're so right, there's a lot of peace to be had from not responding to every poke, every jibe, every whatever. A lot of peace, although it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

Yeah, it is. And my husband is so laid back, and he's just like, I don't care what other people think about me, I'm not bothered as long as I've got you, and he says, and as long as my daughter loves me and still see wants to see me, I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered what their family think or what the friends think. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah. Whereas me, I'm just like, well, I care what people think. You know, it's like, but why? They're not your friends, they're not your family, and that is true. And you know, I'd hate to think that you know he's right, but yeah, especially with our relationship, it's just so much better because we stopped engaging in it. Like you said, it doesn't realise it has an impact on your relationship until you come out of it and go, we'd hardly ever have arguments now, whereas before we'd probably have one or two a week, and it'd be because it because of something like the dishes or you know, something minor, but really, if you think about it, it's probably because we had a text and you know, it's it's hard.

Katie South 37:07

Yeah, it's really, really it's really easy for couples to get into a pattern as well. And you know, it's what I see with the couples I work with all the time is that there'll be a persistent pattern, and they haven't identified that pattern, they just keep having arguments. But when I work with couples in coaching sessions and we can identify the patterns, then you can stop them the next time. And it's actually amazing how quickly you can change your relationship once you've spotted the pattern that you're in, the role that you're both playing in it, and what you need to do differently. So, you know, it's brilliant that you've got help and anybody who's listening who wants to work with their partner in that way. It's a it's an investment worth making in your relationship and your happiness.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

A hundred percent. I would recommend any sort of couple's counselling, or you know, we we go every couple two to three months, even though we think, you know, everything's okay, we always book it, we've always got an appointment booked because you just don't, you know, and it just we sit there and we've set and obviously now our counselling sessions isn't probably all about that, but there is always a check-in and an element of that, but yeah, it really helps. So if you can have any coaching or counselling, I would say it is worth the investment for you Saturday.

Katie South 38:29

Um, well, look, thank you so much for talking to me today. It's been a real pleasure and wish you every happiness in the future, and hope your journey to have a baby is successful for you.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

Thank you. I will update you if it does happen, but thank you so much for having me on. As I say, I'm a massive fan of the podcasts and I'm listening every week. It's it's great to have this outlet because it's not, you know, I'm so glad I found it because there's not very often you find people going through in your close circle anyway, what you're exactly going through and the stories just make me feel like I'm not the only one. So yeah, thank you.

Katie South 39:09

Oh, well, thank you so much. And I guess my plea to you, if you're listening, is to please do share this podcast with other women who need it, or even just on your own socials, because words spreads, words travel, and that's how women find us. So thank you so much, Catherine, and I will hope to hear from you soon.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

Yeah.

Katie South 39:30

Thank you. Thank you so much, Catherine, for sharing your story so openly. What really stands out there is just how easily stepfamily stress can seep into a relationship without you fully realising at the time. It looks like it's about messages, clothes, phones, handovers, but underneath it's often about exhaustion, protectiveness, and a couple trying to stay connected while something outside keeps pulling at them. And I think what Catherine's story shows really clearly is this. Peace doesn't always come from being understood by the other household. Sometimes it comes from stepping out of it, from firmer boundaries, from deciding not every version of you needs correcting. If this episode resonated, send it to another stepmum who would understand, or rate and review wherever you're listening. That's how women find us. And if you want support with your own situation, whether that's individually, as a couple, or through one of my workshops, everything's on the website stepmumspace.com.