“I Gave Up My Old Life for This Family” – A Stepmum’s Reality

Sarah became a full-time stepmum to three children whose mum had left the family home. She didn't tiptoe in, she threw herself in. But that doesn't mean it's been simple.

What happens when you go from complete independence to full-time stepmum… almost overnight?

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In this conversation, Sarah shares what it’s actually like to step into a family where the children’s mum has stepped away, and how quickly love, responsibility, and pressure can collide in stepfamily life.

She didn’t come in gradually. She didn’t have weekends off. She went from her own flat, her own life, and full autonomy… to raising three children full-time, managing the emotional fallout of an absent parent, and trying to stay steady in a system that isn’t always predictable.

And now, she’s about to have her first baby.

This episode gets into the parts that don’t get talked about enough: the quiet resentment around money, the pressure to be the stable one, the guilt when plans change and you feel disappointed, and the constant balancing act between stepping up and stepping back.

There’s also something important here about the stepmother role. About being deeply involved in a family, while knowing there are parts that aren’t yours to control. About learning, sometimes the hard way, where your influence ends.

If you’ve ever felt the weight of holding everything together in a blended family, or wondered how to stay grounded without over-functioning, you’ll recognise a lot of this.

WHAT YOU’LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE:
 • What it’s like becoming a full-time stepmum without a gradual transition
 • The emotional impact of raising children when their other parent is inconsistent or absent
 • Why “being the stable one” can quietly become too much to carry
 • The tension between wanting to step in… and knowing when to step back
 • How resentment shows up around money, effort, and appreciation in stepfamily dynamics
 • The reality of adding a new baby into an already complex blended family

WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR:
 • If you’re a stepmum who feels like everything changed overnight
 • If you’re carrying more than you expected in your stepmother role
 • If you’re trying to stay calm and steady while things around you feel unpredictable
 • If you’ve felt resentment about money, effort, or lack of recognition
 • If you’re pregnant or thinking about having a baby in a stepfamily

 If this felt familiar, you’re not the only one carrying it. Follow Stepmum Space so you don’t have to work this out on your own, and share this with someone who might feel seen by it too.

Transcript

Katie South 0:00

You know that moment when plans change again and you have to hide your disappointment from the children? Because you don't want them to feel unwanted, but you also wanted one night with your partner, one meal, one bit of space, one moment where you could just be a couple. Hello, I'm Katie South, and this is Stepmum Space, the judgment-free zone where we talk candidly about the fairy tales and scary tales of Stepmum Life. So whether you've been a Stepmum for years, you're just starting out, or you want to understand the Stepmum in your life a bit better, this is the place for you. In today's episode, I'm talking to Sarah, a full-time stepmum of three who is also 32 weeks pregnant with her first baby. And Sarah's story is different from many stepmum stories we hear. There's a lot of love here on both sides, a lot of warmth, a supportive partner, an ex who doesn't try and undermine what Sarah's doing for the children. And there's a lot that works. But underneath that, there are still the complicated bits, the financial sacrifice, the emotional steadiness Sarah's feeling she has to provide, the uncertainty around the birth mum, and the strange experience of preparing for your first baby when your partner has done it all before. Let's get into the conversation. So, welcome Sarah. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm really, really happy to have you here today. Ah, thanks.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Longtime listener, so it's exciting to be here.

Katie South 1:38

Great. So let's kick off as we always do. Can you share a bit about your family and how you became a stepmum?

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Yeah, so I'm a full-time stepmum to three children: the 14-year-old girl, a 12-year-old boy, and a nine-year-old boy. And I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my husband's baby. Congratulations. Yeah, it's really exciting. It's definitely something that listening to the podcast actually has encouraged me. Like I always wanted to have more children, but was worried about the impact on the older kids and some of your stories and the other guests' stories about how good it's been was really encouraging.

Katie South 2:13

Oh, so we can say we've had a hand and a baby.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, so I've known my husband and his ex-wife for eight years. We were all in the same church together. Me and my husband had totally different lives. I've been long-term single. I have my own flat. I loved my job, very independent. He got married when he was 19 and they had kids really early. 13 years later, his wife left him and the kids for a different lifestyle. Then we started hanging out. I was really good friends with his daughter because she was a girl in my church whose mum wasn't around. So I took her out for coffees and stuff to try and help her. She was living with her dad and brothers, so just to be that kind of female influence. And then after a while, I just ended up hanging out around the family more. Me and my husband, this is really lame, but we used to stay up all night playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 because it was something we'd both loved when we were teenagers and he got on the switch. So we just stayed up all night playing. And then after a while, realised we were spending a lot of time together because we loved being together. He finally told me how he felt and we got together. We got engaged, we got married five weeks after we got engaged, which was a bit crazy. Whoa how long had you known each other when you got engaged? Wait, the thing is, we'd known each other for eight years. And when you've seen someone go through the hardest point in their life and seen how they react to it, I just think it's really easy to trust them going forward. I'd seen his life fall apart and he'd coped, and I could see a life with this guy. Wow. So how long had you actually been dating when you got married then? He told me how he felt in the August, and we were married by May. So very quick. Yeah. But it was really good. It was really good for the kids. I know everyone does things differently, but to them, it was just this really clear thing of dad's friend, dad's girlfriend, stepmom. That I think helped them with the transition. And yeah, now we've been married two years and expecting the baby. So it's all gone quite quickly. But we've known each other for so long. I knew all his bad habits and his weaknesses and what he was really like. I knew his family, so it was quite an easy decision.

Katie South 4:24

Yeah. You talked about how you were in a friendship role with his daughter. How did the children take to you moving from a friend role into a maternal role? And does their mum have any role in their life?

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Yeah, I think it was really nice in a way that I've known the youngest. I've known him pretty much all his life. So when their memories will come up, I think some step moms will be like, oh, I don't know that. I was excluded from that, but often I was there and I wasn't in a maternal role, but I saw him and running off a table and smacking his head, or I remember what it was like as a toddler. So that's really nice. But yeah, the mum doesn't have much of a role in the kids' life, so I've been very easily accepted by the kids. Yeah, she left the children, the family home to kind of give you a story to help people understand our dynamic. It was Christmas, last Christmas. The kind of only thing that my husband and his wife have sorted out routine-wise is one Christmas with her and her family, one Christmas with him and his. And she was supposed to come get the kids. We said, you know, you can have the kids whenever sleep over. We would have happily dropped them over in their pajamas at 6 a.m. if she wanted to do stockings or something. Asked her what she wanted, and she said, Yeah, I'll pick the kids up between 10 and 11. So we got them up, did stuff, kind of rushed through Christmas breakfast so they'd be ready to go at 11. Got a message at 10. She said, Oh yeah, my boyfriend's not woken up yet, so we'll be late. I'm not gonna wake him up. Then another message later, say we're just having breakfast, we'll be late. At this point, we're like, we've made all these plans. We were gonna have a nice cocktail before we head to my partner's family. They're kind of waiting for us. We're in that awkward situation of mum's not here. And then it's Christmas.

Katie South 6:10

Like, my goodness, your kids. I can't imagine thinking, I'm gonna let my boyfriend have a lie-in and be late for my kids on Christmas Day. I mean, I actually can't imagine doing that any any day, to be honest. But but wow.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Yeah, and it's you know, it's not even it's just Christmas, it's your Christmas. You get one of two. Um, yeah, so let him lie in. Kind of, we're thrown into chaos. I don't know whether to overcompensate, or obviously, you don't want to tell the kids what's going on, really. So I stick a film on to try and distract them. Film's finished, we're still waiting. So the kids they go out onto the road to wait for her with their presence, and then the car arrives at 12 and it's just her boyfriend. She hasn't come, she's just sent him to come get the kids.

Katie South 6:57

Oh my goodness, is that because I, you know, I'm always really careful to think, is there something else that might be going on? Like, does she find it hard seeing you with her ex-husband? I know she was the one who left, but is there any conflict?

SPEAKER_01 7:14

I think there's neurodiversity and mental health and relationship issues and money issues, which makes me understandable why she can flake on the kids in the week and they don't live with her. There's not regular things, but you think if the will to really show up for them was there, then that every other Christmas you'd make it happen, you know. If it was me, I'd be setting a million alarms and phoning other friends to bring me over. It's even it's she could walk it in 30 minutes to be there for them on Christmas.

Katie South 7:41

My heart breaks for those that are standing on the side of the road with their presence.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Yeah, and it's just that that's the chaos it brings into our life of we had plans, we were gonna have a nice little couple time before going to a big family thing because we're both introverts, we're then delaying going to our family, we've got the kids, and it is kind of disappointing that we don't have that time, but I'm trying not to let them feel that I'm disappointed that they're there. Of course, and then not knowing how much to should you tell them the reality of what's going on and that mum's not waking up a boy for it, or should you cover that up so that they don't get hurt? It's really tricky.

Katie South 8:16

Yeah, it's a million, million and one complicated decisions, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Hopefully that shows like how the kids have accepted me because I'm just safe, emotionally stable. Yeah, I it's really nice in a way. A lot of step parents think of like, how can I be the most fun and maybe not the but the better parent? And there's a bit of competition that it's just for me, like if I give them some hugs and the three meals a day and stay emotionally stable and pick them up from school on time. I'm like stepmom of the year.

Katie South 9:32

And you mentioned before that before you met your husband, you had your own flat, had a job that you love. Obviously, you live with your husband. Did you have to change jobs for to work around the kids?

SPEAKER_01 9:44

No, I've actually always worked from home, which has been really good. And it's been really lovely the way being around kids brings joy into your life. Because I'm a designer, and there were days when yeah, work was really stressful. And now at the end of the day, they're like, Oh, show us what you built. And I'm like, I built a website, and they think it's the coolest thing ever that I get paid to draw for a living. Oh, I love that. Yeah, lots of joy that the kids bring, and work have been amazing. If the kids ever need things or they're ill, I just put something on Slack and they let me go. The amount of times I've left baby mama drama as my status and been offline, it's been great.

Katie South 10:18

Well, it's funny. It's good actually, because a lot of people will say that their workplaces because they're not the quote unquote real mum, they're not recognized as much or they don't get as much support. But it sounds like your work have been super supportive, which is amazing.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

Yeah, yeah, they have. And it works really well with the kids. I guess it's hard because then I fall into the parent who's at home while my husband's out of work. So sometimes that can be a bit weird, but not being the parent, if it's like sick days and stuff, and he makes the decision over if the kids are sick enough to stay home, and then I'm the one here.

Katie South 10:53

You spoke in the beginning about how it was quite a whirlwind from meeting your partner to marrying him and moving in. Obviously, having three children, even though you knew them, it's such a huge step when you don't yet have any children of your own. Was there ever any questions in your mind of is this for me? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

That's tricky. I don't think I consciously thought about that. I'm just a really like driven by my gut person, and was just like, I am obsessed with this guy, I love these kids, I'll throw myself in. I think I'd also, because I'd been on my own for so long, there was no kind of grasses greener. I knew how lonely that could get and how being able to do whatever you want, spend your money however you want, didn't it make me that happy? So I kind of had lived that life and felt like I'd done it. So when this opportunity came up, I was like, yeah, why not have a family? And yeah. So I mean it's amazing.

Katie South 11:49

Um I can't stop smiling actually. Looking at you, you look so happy. Has it lived up to your expectations?

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Yeah, it has been really fun. It's been especially really fun having a teenage daughter, and I see it from her side, and it's so nice for her to have another woman in the house. My husband, he's an amazing girl dad, but he is he does have a real man's brain, and he's not been through the experience of being a teenage girl, so he doesn't know how to get blood out of things, he doesn't understand the girl drama at school. She'll come back in tears because a girl isn't speaking to her, and he'll just be like, Why can't you get over that? And it's not the same for guys. You know, the boys will come back and talk about a fight, and I will I've never been in one, but it's also really lovely for her, and it's sad that she doesn't have more of her mum's influence, but it's also lovely to fill that role. We've just been watching all the Twilight movies together. I get my friends over, and we watch now that she's past 12, we can watch all those classic movies together and have all these experiences that I thought I might never have because I might not have children, and you think I'll do this and we'll do face masks and we'll go out to gigs, and I'm getting to do all that now without having to do the nappies and vomiting. But my time is coming.

Katie South 13:00

Yeah, I was gonna say you're 32 weeks pregnant, your time isn't far away. And I'm trying to process what you said about their mother, excuse the clunky language, and how she decided she wanted a different life. Like I'm guessing if your husband was only 19 when he got married, she was probably very young as well.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Yeah, and I mean I think if she was a guy, we'd call it a midlife crisis of just I settled down too early. She kind of lives the life I lived when I was 19 now. Well, it's like we traded places.

Katie South 13:32

Apart from Christmas, is there any contact schedule in place?

SPEAKER_01 13:37

Yeah, I mean that's another thing that's been tricky, is I think I would have done this all through the courts and arranged custody and everything, but there's no agreement on anything. She kind of does a once-a-week school pickup, but we'll also be like, Oh, I can't do it this week, and then we have to figure out something. And what do the kids say, if anything, about that? Yeah, that's a really hard one. They I think they as kids they just accept that that's all they've ever known. Um I like we in some ways try to help them think critically about it without trash talking their mum. And when there's mental health stuff at play, it you've got to have a lot of sympathy. But I think we'll just ask them questions about they'll come back. The one thing they always say, there's certain movies we're not allowed to watch. They're like, No, mum said we can't watch that because we'll watch that with her. And I'll just ask, when did mum say that? And have you had movie nights since? Just to try and then to make the connection that if she said this, it probably won't happen because of the time and stuff like that.

Katie South 14:43

But it's so hard. And you mentioned she had a new partner who came to pick up the kids. So do they have a relationship with him?

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Yeah, he's he's actually a great guy. We we really like him, and it's really good that he's around them. But yeah, I I don't really know what goes on with relationships, and I don't think because all the communications between her and my husband that that's communicated too much who she's with and what's going on. But so yeah, you just gotta kind of trust that the kids will be safe and we talk to them without like interrogating them and hope that they'll report anything back that they're not enjoying. Yeah. And how has Biomum been with you? Yeah, it's really weird. We were we were friends. Um, and that's a really weird changing dynamic, to be honest, because it is so hard when you are like raising someone's children, and I feel like kind of angry at how she treats them, and also feel like my life has changed so much as a result of her decision to have these children and then to leave, which obviously I chose the marriage, but it's hard to relate well to her if there's not any sort of communication about maybe if she said I'm in a bad place, thank you for doing this, it would be so much easier. But because of that, and because of the way I've overheard her talking to the kids and my husband, I don't have any contact.

Katie South 16:11

It's a shame as well for you, because I guess coming into a relationship with a new partner who has children, most step-mums-not all I know, but most step-mums have usually half or more time with just them and their partner. And for you, you never got that.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah. I think we were really lucky with the ages that the kids were when we got together, that when the youngest was 11, it could be a like 9 pm bedtime, and then we'd have the evening, and that's why we stayed up all night playing games. If we'd have got together now, it'd be impossible because the 14-year-old just doesn't go to sleep. You can hear her in her room banging around when you're, yeah, it's the evening, we want to be together. Um, so yeah, everything worked out at good times, but it is hard, and it's really hard with me for me when plans change to not let the kids see that disappointment in my face when we were gonna go out for a meal, and then they can't go have a sleepover with mum or something like that, and not show them to make them feel that they are always welcome in the house, but also to have that feeling of I wanted to have a date night with my husband. How do you deal with that? We've got really good grandparents and other people in the family, and even his ex-wife's her sisters and her wider family are very they're very grateful. I'm in the kids' lives, so they help us out with babysitting and stuff like that. So we do manage to make it work. It's just that moment when we had a plan and it gets changed that's really tough to deal with. Yeah, and I think that has been a struggle of joining this family with the history they've had of not feeling like a can be open about emotions and how I'm feeling about things because they need me to be emotionally stable. And the kids and my husband have been through this experience of everything's fine, everything seems okay, then the wife leaves, and just I guess everyone's maybe worried that I'm gonna do the same, or maybe I put that on myself. So I feel like the new baby is gonna be a real good, like, yes, I'm here, I'm gonna stay, but just feel it if I was like, I'm not happy with this life, how they would hear that, and if they'd attach all the baggage of the past to it.

Katie South 18:23

It's a lot for you to be carrying, yeah. In terms of emotionally to be carrying the weight of this awful thing happened to the children. If I behave in one way, I'm worried that they might think the same's gonna happen with me. That's a lot for you to be working around with.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

I think, yeah, we just with the kids, that is, I think, just something that I'm gonna carry. And when they're older, then you'll be able to have more emotion and share more. But I don't want them to ever feel like I hold it over them of I gave up everything for you. And then with my husband, we just talk about it a lot. There's definitely a time when he was like trying to make things too easy for me and trying to get the children to do things and trying to maybe control things around the house so that it was easier for me. And I was like, what's going on? Are you worried that this is gonna get overwhelming and I'll leave? And we talked that through. I was like, it's fine, I will tell you if I'm not happy. So don't tread on eggshells, don't try and make everything smoother for me.

Katie South 19:28

Yeah, you mentioned earlier about your faith. So when you said you were in the house a lot, did you and your partner live together before you got married?

SPEAKER_01 19:38

No. So I left my flat and then we got married and we moved in together. So that was yeah, such a lot. It was why I think I had to be really certain that I wanted to do this and be all in. And it's yeah, it's been really fun. That was really good for the kids with that kind of clear transition. Now I'm part of the family. Had you spent a lot of time in the home? Yeah, I knew the kids really well, but yeah, I was always like on the sofa overnight. So that was a massive transition. How did they find that? I don't think the kids really noticed because I was always there until their bedtime and then w went back to my own flat and then came here. Yeah, and then they I think they appreciated the clarity of it. One challenge has been with the eldest after a while. She was really trying to parent the other kids and things like telling the boys that they needed to wear a coat when it was out when it was cold out, or negotiating with them about eating their vegetables and stuff like that. And it came from such a good place. She's so sweet, and she was trying to help and make things easier for me. But that just really like cut me to the core because I'm not the mum and she's trying to be the mum. And that kind of does she think I'm doing a terrible job of parenting? Does she think she could do this better than me? And yeah, that was really tough. It just really, especially at the end of a busy day when she'd then tell the boys to eat their vegetables, you just feel so undermined. Yeah, make some parenting decisions, which you know seemed really smart to a 14-year-old, but there would be lots going on, and we knew the bigger picture, and you would have made a completely different call. How did you manage that with her? I think having a bit of sympathy of not knowing what goes on when they're with mum and what had been going on before my mum was still in the house, there might have been really good reasons that she developed that. It might be keeping them safe or de-escalating situations, so just having a bit of compassion there. And then I was doing some counselling, and my counsellor suggested we map out all the family responsibilities. So we got an A4 piece of paper, just mapped out everything that needs to happen in the family, everyone around the table. And then we're like, right, what's an adult responsibility? What's a child responsibility?

Katie South 21:53

The first thing I'm impressed you managed with a house of five to get it all on one A4 sheet because I cannot.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

Yeah. It was really funny actually. I was writing out the things, and then she started telling me how to write it out. It was like, okay, this is why we're doing this. It all comes from like sweetness and trying to help. And I like the benefit of my partner having kids so young was that I was a 14-year-old girl not that long ago. I remember what it's like, you know, you want to have control, you think you know best and everything. Yeah. Do you mind me asking how old you are? I'm 34. Okay.

Katie South 22:27

You look really good for 34.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Thank you for bringing the zoom filter on. Okay. I need to do that. But yeah, that was really because I think I had assumed that it was obvious to her what an adult parent should do and what a child should do. And so we're taking that time to make it really clear, stick it on the wall, and then it It didn't take straight away, she'd be telling the boys what to do, and we could just point to the wall and be like, Look, that's an adult responsibility. We've got that. And then finding things that she could do because clearly there's a desire to help there. So now she does the recycling and she loves that. And that's actually really useful instead of making hard.

Katie South 23:04

I was just gonna say, if she wants to help, she can come to my house. There's bins, there's weeding, there's a lot of jobs.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Yeah, and it's one of these things. I'm almost certain this will pop up again when we have the baby because she's maternal, she's gonna try and parent the baby. And I know that in like the postpartum hormones and all of that, I'll find it so difficult, but we've worked through it once, so you kind of think, okay, this will work. We'll map out responsibilities again and have that talk again.

Katie South 23:30

Yeah. Are you worried about how the baby will impact the current dynamic?

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Yeah, I think I'm really worried because at the moment, with the kids' bedtimes, it means you can spend time with each of them. The youngest goes to bed, then I'll watch Simptons with the middle one, and then he goes to the bed, and I'll put on a film with the older one, and that's our special time that when the baby comes, that'll kind of throw bedtimes and time with them out. And yeah, I guess that that kind of you want to be there for them and knowing how much they need to talk and stuff like that will just be so much harder when there's a baby screaming.

Katie South 24:09

Hopefully it won't be screaming all the time. What's interesting is how the dynamics shift sometimes in families. A lot of women, when they have their own baby, notice that either their feelings towards their stepchildren can shift slightly, or their stepchildren's feelings towards the wider family dynamic can shift slightly because suddenly they're aware, you know, this baby is the baby of the stepmum. Yeah. Have you had any conversations with your husband about that, or is that something that's been on your mind?

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Yeah, I think it's not something that I've been super concerned about because we've had these two years and we've had them with us most of the time, that yeah, we've built really good relationships. It might change. To be honest, being pregnant has helped me let go of things with a kind of just recognizing that my husband is their parent, and then I'm gonna have an opportunity to have a baby and parent it with more influence. It helps me to let go of oh yeah, maybe I wouldn't have made that decision, but these are his children, and I'll get to make that decision for my baby. That's interesting.

Katie South 25:25

What sort of decisions have you had to let go of?

SPEAKER_01 25:29

I think there's a few things for me doing lots of extracurricular stuff, like doing music and martial arts, and like the two youngest can't swim, is not done swimming lessons or something, and doesn't urge in me to try and get them signed up to all this stuff, get them the swimming lessons, but realizing you know these are his children. If he he wants that to happen, he can do that, and I will do that for my baby. But yeah, that's a parent's responsibility.

Katie South 25:57

I'm really in awe actually of how you can be all in it, like full-time doing all the stuff, but still be able to step back from some of that stuff. Is that something you've had to learn? Has it been hard?

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yeah, 100%. I'm just such a C problem, fix it. I'm a get stuff done person. That's my work life is fighting a million fires and just getting stuff done without thinking. And my husband's much more like head in the sand, roll with everything. Where's we make a good team because of it? But at first, I wanted to, I was totally, you've talked about like being Mary Poppins and coming in and making everyone's life easy. I did that for a bit and then soon found it was just kind of thankless. And then I was getting annoyed of like, I'm organizing all these activities and no one's enjoying it, and realized that I was kind of doing it for me. And so just to take a step back, and it's taught me a lot. His more laid-back approach to things has helped me really chill out and realize yeah, kids are kids, you can't control everything, you've just got to roll with it and adapt. And I think, yeah, my baby will be really thankful for that because I could have been a really over-scheduling, controlling mother otherwise.

Katie South 27:14

Yeah, I guess as well, because there's going to be a significant age gap, it's easier to have those different rules and boundaries in place for your own.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried that because if kids are so close in age, I imagine you could say, well, this one is allowed to do this and this one isn't. That's not fair. That they're just on totally different.

Katie South 27:35

That was always uh something that came up before me and my husband had children together because my son from my first marriage and his daughters from his first marriage were similar ages. So it was really difficult because my son would say, But why can't I do that when they can? Yeah. And I would actually say, because their mum and dad make their decisions for them, and your mum and dad make your decisions for you. But I can see how that must have been really hard for a young kid to be like, But why do I have to finish all my veg and you know, all these things? But uh, you know, a lot of families do find that difficult because you want to have consistent rules for the children because that feels fair, but then if one family suddenly has to adapt a lot more than the other family, is that fair?

SPEAKER_01 28:20

Like the whole question of fairness is yeah, and I think that's something that because the kids it's very much not co-parenting with the moments, parallel parenting. They're used to there's just different rules, things are completely different in two households that they'll be able to understand that things are totally different for a half-brother.

Katie South 28:39

So a lot of the time I hear from women who are in your situation where they have come as a single independent woman with her own financial resources, and then being with a man with children, it can get quite tricky in terms of how you navigate that. Is that something that you've had to deal with?

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Yeah, it is tricky. Yeah, it's it's been a real change of I could spend all my money on me, I could go on holiday, and now I'm providing for a family. The birth mum doesn't contribute anything financially. And I do find I I've chosen to do it, I love it, but there is some resentment about that of when the kids are really ungrateful about what we give them, you kind of want to tell them the full story. And like, did you know? I shouldn't have to give you my money, I'm your stepmom. Obviously, I'd never say that. But yeah, when they're like, Oh, can we go to McDonald's? and I say no, that kind of don't you realise how much Do you mind me asking? So, do you go all in and Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I work, I bring in more money than my husband. He was working a bit before we got together because his wife had left him to raise the kids so he couldn't work full time. So that's been a yeah, real transition. And yeah, it's hard when like at Christmas with the presents, I know we're going through a phase where everything is like, thanks, Dad, big hug for dad. And like, I kind of paid for these as well. And I think most of these were my ideas. I just hold on to the in 10 years, we can tell them, and then they'll be really grateful. And I wouldn't ever want to hold over them because I know there was a I've heard this secondhand from one of the grandparents, but they said there was a few months when the middle boy would just was like stealing any small change he could find and picking up pennies he could find, and they asked him why he was doing it, and he said it's because mum has no money, and like I'd never want him to know about our finances and what's going on and feel that adult pressure.

Katie South 30:36

Gosh, you are incredible. Like, there'll be women listening who'll be like, How do I get more of that in my life? No, and I think that when you have given up a lot and you're happy that you have, and you've you know you're with your partner, your husband who you love, and you've got a family that you love. How did you manage to get through that resentment that you just mentioned?

SPEAKER_01 31:00

Yeah, I think I do tell my husband all of this, and like not in a you know, I don't want to make you feel bad because when you have kids, you kind of grow with them starting off super selfish and then getting less selfish and then moving in with kids, and you're like, they don't want to help out with the chores, and they don't appreciate me doing chores, and you I haven't seen them as stroppy toddlers who are then getting more aware of the family and what the house needs to run and more appreciative of things, and that was so hard. So I told him that, and he's like, Okay, when we clean the house, you can go out for a walk, so you don't have to hear them being like that, and so he helps, but also yeah, it's just getting it out really that helps. It sounds like you got brilliant support from your husband as well. Yeah, he's amazing, it would be a totally different story with a different guy, and having known him for a long time, he's a great guy. But this is also the best version of him, seeing how like he's grown through the family breakup. He did loads of counseling, there's grown in self-awareness so much that it just feels like we were at the right point for this.

Katie South 32:01

And I bet he's well, I hope he's super grateful for you.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're very, very happy and appreciate this relationship and this family. I didn't have any family before. He had a different family makeup before.

Katie South 32:13

You spoke earlier about how the church had played a role in your family. Can you share a little bit more about that?

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Yeah, it's been really interesting being a stepparent in the church because I grew up never thinking that this would happen. You know, his parents are on their 40th wedding anniversary, mine are on the 35th wedding anniversary. All their friends were kind of lifetime married because that's what the church encouraged. And so it was not that I didn't want this, I just never thought this would be a possibility for me. I'm none of my friends are stepparents. So, in a way, it's been kind of really hard to fit into the church structure. And whenever I speak at a church or something, I'll always be like, Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm here with my stepkids to try and have some representation of stepfamilies. So that's been hard. But also, practically, the church has been amazing. Like them week after my husband's wife left, people have been showing up with food and they dropped off food for four months. Some people came around and redecorated his house. Wow. Yeah. When we had our wedding, we couldn't afford the full food. So we said, can everyone just bring salads and puddings? And they just turned up with so much food. There's a lawyer from the church I grew up in who's helping us do all the legal stuff for free. And there's a couple who we talk to, like we meet up regularly and talk about how things are going with birth mum, and we run communication by them to get their input because their son is a parent who's semi-estranged from his son, so they can kind of help us see things from her perspective and just give us advice and help us.

Katie South 33:48

It's so important to have that support in the community around you and whether that's family or church or other religious institutions, it's it's so important.

SPEAKER_01 33:59

Yeah. And I think it's so good for the kids that they've just got loads of other adults in their life they can talk to, so that we don't feel that we're the only ones that, yeah, bearing all the weight of all their emotions and everything they've been through. But also we have people to talk to. So babies due in a couple of months. Yeah. Are you ready? Not at all. I was in such a weird situation, which I'm sure a lot of stepmums are in. Of my husband's done this before, he's an expert at nappies, and I don't know what I'm doing. But that's probably good. It will help me to trust him. And I am, I think I could have been the sort of mum where I will do everything, just like my husband feels like a spare part, but it's gonna be a lot on him. Especially he thinks it's gonna be really funny because I'll be really neurotic about is the baby breathing? Is this okay? And he's you know, fourth child, he is like if it's not A and E, it's no problem.

Katie South 34:51

You mentioned that because you've known them since they're really tiny, when you see photos of them or talk about their early years, it doesn't trigger any sort of feelings of being an outsider or jealousy or any of that, which I know is so common with stepmums. And if you're listening and you're somebody who's experienced that, it's not to say it's a negative thing at all, it's just a really poignant reminder that you haven't been part of this child's life all their life. But is there any part of you that's worried about how things might play out because this is your first baby and it's his fall?

SPEAKER_01 35:29

Yeah, I maybe wonder about the strength of feeling I'll have for this baby compared to the others. He's been really good so far at coming to all the scans and being really excited, and you know, I'll feel the baby kick and put his hand there and he'll feel it. But I guess there is that knowledge of that's not the first time you've felt a baby kick, and it is for me, and that is different. I don't think he would treat the baby any differently. He just loves babies and is a great dad, but there is that kind of this isn't the first time. And I guess I worry maybe with the kids becoming teenagers, they'll take more of his emotional energy because of the things they're doing, their lifestyle will change and that will really affect us, and whether that will kind of split us off a bit into like, I'll have the baby, you have the teenagers, and we'll be less of a team.

Katie South 36:20

Yeah, definitely that's a really common concern that people have. And I think sometimes, you know, we have that in our family on the weekends when our older children are with their other parents, and it's just us two and our children, it still sort of ends up in a splitting off on a Saturday because one of them's got a hobby somewhere and one of them's got a hobby the other place. So naturally, that does kind of happen with more than one child, but when they're both your own children, it never feels emotionally loaded. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:51

And I think just the difference of the emotional needs of teenagers versus our really practical needs of a baby could divide us. You're gonna have a lot of babysitters. Yeah, they're very good with babies, so I'm happy about that. Those nights out will definitely be bigger. I think the only worry is having the kids too involved in the baby, not the other one around. I'm not wanting to burden them, you know, they're 14 and 12, they should be going out with their friends.

Katie South 37:15

Yeah, definitely. So, because you've been so honest, and you you know, you said to me before we started recording you're happy to chat about anything. One of the things that comes up a lot with women who are in a situation where the first wife or partner, mother of the children, left, they often feel like they're second best or an imposter, or they wouldn't be there if the first wife hadn't left. Have you ever had any of those complicated feelings?

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Yeah, I think I had that a bit when we were dating of like, she is so different to me that you chose this person, and then you're choosing me. And I yeah, to be honest, when it came to second wife, his options were limited because of the baggage and where we live and everything. But I took that to a counsellor, and then she challenged me of if he could see a list of all the guys you've dated and their traits, he might come to some really wrong conclusion about who you're interested in. Like I'm most of the guys I've dated were really career-driven, and then he might see that and think, oh, you're really into the guys with money, and that's not true, that would just be a coincidence, and so to judge him on the person he chose to marry at 19 and then see that I don't live up to that standard would be unfair. So yeah, I think he married me when he was 35, and he married her when she was 19, just makes you see it. People change and what they want from life changes. So I don't feel that too badly.

Katie South 38:46

And also a lot of the time, people can exist in unhappy marriages for a very, very long time. Whether you're a part of a church or not, you know, there are a million reasons why people don't leave unhappy marriages. So I think for a lot of people, myself included, the second spouse is the best spouse.

SPEAKER_01 39:07

I think also he has grown so much as a person, and he's found himself, I think, through the split and learned more about what he wants and what he values. So yeah, the fact that we're really different, you can see how I fit with him now.

Katie South 39:24

Yeah, it's such a beautiful love story, like it it really is, and I just am really grateful to you for getting in touch and sharing your story. It's been so lovely to talk to you. I'd love to hear more when the baby comes back, and we've all settled into being a family of six, it'd be lovely to chat to you again then.

SPEAKER_01 39:45

You well, as I said, I don't know many stepmums, so hearing other people's stories has really helped me and encouraged me. So I just want to pay that forward.

Katie South 39:53

Yeah, I love that. Thank you so much. And to anyone else who's listening who would like to share their story, it's always just really the only reason we make the show is because of women who get in touch and say, Hey, I'm gonna share a bit about my story. So thank you so much, Sarah. It's been an absolute joy to talk to you and wish you a healthy rest of your pregnancy and safe arrival of your baby into the world. Thank you. Thank you, Sarah. I absolutely loved speaking to you. And if anything stayed with you from this conversation, it might well be this. And it's that pressure to be the stable one, to hold everything together, to not show too much, to not rock any boats because of what's already been lost before you arrived. And how quickly that can turn into carrying more than is actually yours to carry. Because what Sarah showed so clearly is that you can love your family really deeply and still be holding a level of responsibility that quietly wears you down over time. Those two things can exist together. If this episode helped you see something more clearly about your own role in your family, you can follow Stepmum Space in your podcast app so you don't miss future conversations like this. And if you know another Stepmum who is holding it all together on the outside but carrying a lot underneath, this is going to be a good one to share with her. You can also find more support at stepmumspace.com, including workshops, coaching, and resources designed to help you navigate this in a way that actually works for you. You don't have to carry this all alone. I'll be back soon with another new episode. Till then, take care.