Dreading the Summer Holidays as a Stepmum? Here's What Actually Helps

On Disney dad, effort asymmetry, and why the conversation to have is before you go — not during. 

 Summer in a stepfamily isn't like summer anywhere else. The routine disappears, the kids are around more, and somewhere in the middle of it all, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.
 If you're already dreading it before it's even started, this episode is for you. 

Resources mentioned:

You can find the Summer Sorted planning worksheet mentioned in the episode at stepmumspace.com in the resources section. And there's a couples downloadable to help you prepare for the holidays here too. 

The summer holidays hit differently when you're a stepmum. It's not just more time with the kids — it's the loss of the structure that was quietly holding everything together. The routine that made things predictable. The school week that gave you some ground to stand on. When that goes, the stress doesn't just increase. It doubles, and the days blur into each other.

This episode is a direct response to a question from Rachel, who summed it up better than most: dreading the holidays, more time together, kids turning their noses up at food on holiday, and a partner who turns into full Disney dad the moment they arrive.

Katie takes each of those things seriously — because none of them are small. The food refusal that isn't really about the food. The Disney dad dynamic that can quietly unravel an entire trip if it isn't named before you go. The effort asymmetry that leaves you carrying every detail while nobody else in the room seems to notice.

There's practical advice here — specific, not vague — about the conversation worth having with your partner before the holidays start rather than in the moment when things are already going wrong. And an honest reframe about what more time together actually depends on, and why arriving into six weeks with no thought given to your own needs is going to grind you down.

You don't have to love every minute of it. And you're not failing if you're a bit relieved when it ends.

WHAT YOU'LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE:

• Why losing routine hits stepmums harder than most people understand — and what it's actually taking away
• The real reason a child refusing food on holiday feels so personal, and why your reaction makes complete sense
• What Disney dad is actually about — guilt, compensation, and why good intentions don't make it easier for you to live with
• The one conversation worth having with your partner before the holiday starts — and why it needs to be specific, not general
• Why anxiety thrives in vagueness and how naming what you're actually dreading gives you some control back
• What to put in place for yourself before six weeks of no routine begins — so it lands differently when it does

THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU:

• If you're a stepmum who starts dreading the summer holidays weeks before they begin
• If your partner becomes a completely different person on holiday and you're left feeling like the only adult in the room
• If the kids turn their noses up at everything you've organised and you can feel yourself unravelling
• If you carry all the planning and logistics and nobody around you seems to notice or acknowledge it
• If you feel guilty for being relieved when the holidays end
• If you want something practical to do right now, before the summer starts, rather than managing it in the moment

TIMESTAMPS:

[00:00] Why summer feels heavier in a stepfamily
 [02:30] The loss of routine — why it matters more than it sounds
 [04:30] The food refusal that isn't really about the food
 [06:30] Disney dad on holiday — what's actually going on
 [09:00] What actually helps — and why the conversation has to happen before you go

If this resonated, share it with a stepmum who needs to hear it before the holidays hit. You can find the Summer Sorted planning worksheet mentioned in the episode at stepmumspace.com in the resources section. And there's a couples downloadable to help you prepare for the holidays here too. And if the podcast helps, a review on Apple Podcasts makes a real difference to who finds it.

Transcript

Summer in a stepfamily isn't like summer anywhere else.

The routines that usually hold things together disappear. The kids are around more, the ex is more present in your plans — even when she's not in the room. And somewhere in the middle of all that, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.

Hi everyone, welcome back to Stepmum Space Listener Questions with me, Katie South.

Each week I take one of your questions and talk it through here — not just to reassure you, but to help you understand what might actually be going on underneath. Names are anonymised, but the feelings are very real.

This week's question came from Rachel on Instagram.

She says: "I'm absolutely dreading the summer holidays. More time with the kids, lack of routine, they'll turn their noses up at the food when we go away, and my partner will turn into full-on Disney dad on holiday. How the hell do I stay sane?"

I imagine a lot of you are smiling at that, because it's probably a thought that's crossed many a stepmum's mind.

Rachel, thank you for asking it.

This question will land with a lot of people, because what Rachel's described isn't just one thing. It's four things, all coming at once.

And that's exactly why summer feels so heavy before it's even started.

So let's take them one at a time.

More time with the kids and the loss of routine

These two things are connected, and they matter more than they might sound.

Routine isn't just about logistics. For stepmums especially, structure is what often creates a sense of predictability in a situation that is, by design, quite unpredictable.

So when that goes — when the school week disappears and the regular schedule goes with it — the admin doubles, the stress doubles, and the days blur into each other.

That loss isn't just practical. It's the thing that was giving you some ground to stand on, and it's been taken away.

This isn't about you being difficult. It's a really understandable response to a disorienting shift.

The food piece

I want to name this clearly, because it sounds small, but it really isn't.

Meal times are such a pinch point for stepfamilies.

When you've thought about the holiday, planned for it, probably done most of the organising — and then a child turns their nose up at the meal in a restaurant you've chosen — the reaction isn't really about the food.

It's about the effort going unacknowledged again.

It's that effort asymmetry so many women describe. You're considering every detail, and none of that consideration is visible to anyone else in the room.

That's a real, and very exhausting, thing to carry.

And then there's our friend Disney dad

That dynamic on holiday really ramps up, doesn't it?

I think this can quietly unravel a whole trip if it's not named in advance.

What tends to happen with a lot of dads is this: he's been away from his kids. He feels guilty — about the divorce or separation, about the time they've lost, about not being the dad he imagined he'd be.

So when they're together, especially on holiday, he tries to compensate. Everything becomes yes. Boundaries soften.

The version of him you have a relationship with — the one who's supposed to be your partner, in your corner, a consistent presence — gets replaced by someone who's managing his own guilt at everyone else's expense, including yours.

It doesn't come from a bad place. But good intentions don't make it easier for you to live with.

So what actually helps?

The honest answer is that most of what makes a summer survivable for stepmums gets sorted out before it starts, not during it.

A conversation with your partner before you go — not in the moment when a child's refusing dinner and he's letting it slide — is worth ten conversations on the holiday.

Be specific with him. Don't say "I need you to back me up" in general.

Say: "When the kids are rude about food, I need you to say something." Specific. Practical. Agreed in advance.

It also helps to be honest with yourself about what you're actually dreading.

Anxiety thrives in vagueness. When everything feels like one large, shapeless threat, it's overwhelming.

When you can name the five specific things you're actually worried about, some of them will turn out to be things you can do something about. And some won't.

Separate those two things, and you start to get some ground back.

And this is the part that matters

More time together isn't automatically better or worse. It depends on what you're walking into it with.

If you arrive at six weeks of summer holidays with no plan for yourself, no time carved out, no thought given to what you need to feel okay — it's going to grind you down.

If you've thought about it in advance, even in small practical ways, it's going to land differently.

You don't have to love every single minute of it. And you're not failing if you're a bit relieved when it ends.

If what I've just described sounds like something you want to actually sit with and work through before the holidays start, I've made something specifically for this.

It's called Summer Sorted — a reflective planning worksheet for stepmums navigating exactly this.

It walks you through your emotional hotspots, helps you separate what's yours to act on and what isn't, and gives you something to come back to when things get wobbly mid-August.

It's at stepmumspace.com in the resources section, and I'll pop the link in the show notes.

There's also something in there for you to work through with your partner — to help you both prepare for the holidays and align on the things that matter most.

Rachel, thank you so much for your question. I know this will have helped a lot of people, because I've had a lot of DMs about summer recently.

I'll be back soon with another listener question. Till then, take care.