Relationship Advice From.... Strangers?! (That I REALLY Love)
May 08, 2023Season 5Episode 65
Tessa Spisak
Did you read that right?? YES! But with reason, I promise. In today's conversation, I'm talking about my surprise vacation (definitely have NEVER done anything like this before) I am sharing relationship advice I've gathered from complete strangers! But ... why? As my husband and I started getting ready to celebrate our wedding and engagement anniversaries this year, I found myself on an accidental journey of sorts.
I found myself collecting wisdom from people in long-lasting relationships and marriages, and honestly, it got juicy! I'm so excited to share what I heard and learned with you. And these definitely aren't the boring "just communicate well" answers.
I also share my personal experiences, favorite pieces of advice, and the theory that shaped my view on "emotional bids" in a relationship. So let's chat -- today we're intentionally choosing to nurture and cultivate our best love (because we deserve it!)
Did you read that right?? YES! But with reason, I promise. In today's conversation, I'm talking about my surprise vacation (definitely have NEVER done anything like this before) I am sharing relationship advice I've gathered from complete strangers! But ... why? As my husband and I started getting ready to celebrate our wedding and engagement anniversaries this year, I found myself on an accidental journey of sorts.
I found myself collecting wisdom from people in long-lasting relationships and marriages, and honestly, it got juicy! I'm so excited to share what I heard and learned with you. And these definitely aren't the boring "just communicate well" answers.
I also share my personal experiences, favorite pieces of advice, and the theory that shaped my view on "emotional bids" in a relationship. So let's chat -- today we're intentionally choosing to nurture and cultivate our best love (because we deserve it!)
It only takes a second and it makes you so much more emotionally, intimately connected. Hello, my loves, and welcome to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast, where we discuss all things thought, work and manifestation, but we use neuroscience and the study of the brain to do so. I'm your host, tessa Spiezeck. I'm a board certified practitioner, master, life and health coach and seasoned executive speaker. If you're ready to create your highest value lifestyle and turn your dream life into a reality, you're in the right place. Let's get right into today's episode. Hello, hello, my loves. Welcome back to another episode here on the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast. Thank you so much for spending your time with me here today. However, and wherever you are listening in from If you're new here, of course don't forget to hit subscribe so that you never miss part of our conversation here. And, as you see from the title, i am not the only one giving advice today. Today, we are talking about relationship advice from strangers. Yes, and let me explain to you why. So I have been over the last few weeks collecting advice sorry, i guess we could say even over the last few months very specifically collecting advice from people who have been married for a long time. And I'll explain to you kind of what this is and what I mean. So I had this idea about little before last March when my very first wedding anniversary was coming up. So the last maybe two and a half months or so because you know your big life, things like that it just becomes part of the conversation. We'd find ourselves out chatting with people, maybe in a restaurant, like picture. The host asks oh, what are you celebrating? We say anniversary. The couple next to us makes small talks as congrats, that type of thing, or shopping for anniversary outfits, like what you're going to wear that day, and the gal checking you out is like oh, what's this occasion for? You say your anniversary, get to chatting, that type of thing. And we've even had a little bit wider range of time for this conversation to happen between us and strangers over the last few months, because not only did we celebrate our wedding anniversary March 26th but we're also celebrating our engagement anniversary here on May 11th, so just in a few days here, because we are getting ready for a trip. Not only is it my birthday but it's my engagement anniversary and I don't know where we're going. My husband, joe, planned the surprise getaway and I guess I'll know where we're going. When we get to the airport I am so beyond excited. I have never done something like this go somewhere that I don't even know where I'm going. All I know is he said bring your beach clothes, be beach ready. So I've been packing little by little over the last few months. It feels like it's so exciting and different and such a huge blessing And, of course, the privilege to be able to do this. So of course, that's kind of what I'm getting at. Not only were we talking about our wedding engagement coming up, but also our anniversary engagement coming up, because it's on my birthday. We'll be on a trip. So we've been having these conversations just surrounding love and anniversaries and relationships And honestly I'll just side note here I am so excited I have no idea what to expect.
Speaker 1:
Joe proposed on my birthday two years ago in Antigua And that was a surprise too He planned this birthday champagne photo shoot around the island. You can see those in my social medias And then when we got back to shore, he had everything set up. We walked up to this big heart rose in the sand. He popped the question. I said yes, a really romantic dinner on the beach was great. So, celebrating our two year anniversary of our engagement on the beach somewhere, so I'll let you know when we get back. But in the case, a little fun life update as we go along with explaining why I've had this conversation so much lately.
Speaker 1:
But I noticed that when I asked, for whatever reason, it just happened to be that a lot of the people that this happened with would follow up with oh, we've been married 25 years, 35 years, like really long term partnerships, marriages, very impressive. They got to know something right. So I was asking you know like, oh hey, so you've been at this a long time. What's the best advice you got for me? And the first person I asked you know it was normal, it's what you'd expect. Just always be kind, support each other. Nothing profound, but nice to hear lovely little reminders. So I kind of picked it up as my polite conversation piece since, like I said, it's been happening, my nice little small talk, so that me and this random person could just both have a lovely exchange.
Speaker 1:
We know people love to talk about themselves, so giving a person permission to do that is a good, humanly thing to do, in my opinion, and I know all of this chatting with strangers could be super foreign to some people listening. I know some cultures definitely do not do that, but I live in the South, i live in Texas and probably too, because I'm a coach, i don't know. I guess I just have a very approachable face or body posture or something, because people are always talking to me right. But I got some really good answers and I really want to share them with you guys, and, of course, i'm going to add my thoughts on my favorite too. So let me know what you think And if you have any really good marriage relationship, whatever advice that you want to share with the class, please do So.
Speaker 1:
Here are some of the ones that I heard the most that just really sat with me well And, like I said, i'll give you my notes. So to start, i know that you know most people said communication, blah, blah, blah. Right, we know that's a good one. But this one older gentleman that I met said it's not just communication, it's being a really good, active listener, not just giving your partner a minute to speak and then you talk at them, but hear them. And I love that, because it's always been a little weird to me that the one that people always go to is communication. But, frankly, not everyone's a good communicator, right? My answer has always been respect, because if you respect someone, then you will communicate well with them. You will be better with them, by default, you know. But I really liked that it was so specific, because being an active listener is different than just communicating.
Speaker 1:
Active listening is a communication skill, yes, but it involves going way beyond simply hearing the words that another person is speaking. But the goal in active listening is to understand the meaning and the intent behind what the person is saying, not just the words they're using. It requires being an active participant in the communication process. It's not just communicating. I mean people can communicate by shouting and cursing at each other, but having good communication needs active listening. This includes being fully present in the conversation. This is showing interest through your body language, facials, good eye contact, nodding to show that you understand all of that. It's noticing and using those nonverbal cues. It's asking open-ended questions to encourage your partner to go deeper with their responses, rather than just trying to answer or respond to yourself. It's letting them work through it. It's paraphrasing and reflecting back what's been said to you to make sure that you're on the same page. It's not judging and it's withholding any advice you might have unless they ask for it, and then being super thorough with your word choice.
Speaker 1:
The big one, everyone's favorite, really good one. Listen it to understand rather than to just respond. I know it's not always easy. I'm a coach and a practitioner. A big part of my job is to be really good at that with my patients and clients. But even though it's a skill and even if you practice it, it's harder to do with someone that you're so close to, like your spouse or your partner. If you're already finishing each other's sentences half the time, it's really easy to have a tendency to feel like you already know what they need, you already know how they feel, you know what they're thinking, but it's a really good reminder that we can't know. So listen, be respectful in your communication. I love that.
Speaker 1:
The next one is kind of a two-parter and we got a lot of choose your battles wisely, but on two ends of the spectrum. So few iterations of that one, but here are the main two points on each end. Firstly, don't let your molehills become mountains. There are times where we find something small that kind of bothers us or makes us feel bad, that we don't want to say anything or don't know how to say anything kind of back to our communication point. And that thing grows and grows until it's a real problem.
Speaker 1:
And it makes me think of that story, that article that went pretty viral in the last few years. It was called She Divorced Me Because I Left the Dishes by the Sync. It wasn't a big deal to me when I was married, but it's a big deal to her. It's by Matthew Frey, who's talking about how he used to not understand why his wife left him, thinking that it was something as simple as not cleaning the dishes. And of course we know that it couldn't have just been that right May have been what broke the camel's back which finally led her to file, but that's not what did it. And he says he's got a really good point here. I'm going to read a little excerpt.
Speaker 1:
He said there's only one reason I will ever stop leaving my glass by the sink A lesson I learned much too late because I love and respect my partner and it really matters to her. That's it. I understand that when I leave the glass there, it hurts her, literally, causes her pain, because it feels to her like I just said hey, i don't respect you. I don't value your thoughts and opinions. I'm not going to take the four seconds it takes to put my glass in the dishwasher, because my four seconds is more important than you are. And all of a sudden it's not about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty dish. Now it's a meaningful act of love and sacrifice. And really, four seconds, that doesn't seem like the kind of thing too big for the person who sacrifices to me daily. I don't have to understand why she cares so much about the stupid glass. I just have to understand and respect that she does. Then I understood.
Speaker 1:
Caring about her equals putting the glass in the dishwasher. Caring about her equals keeping your laundry off the floor. Caring about her equals thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she just worked so hard to clean. Caring about her equals hey, babe, is there anything I can do today Or pick up on my way home that will make your life better? Caring about her is a million little things that say I love you more than speaking those words can ever Ugh. So so good. So basically, what it's talking about is he finally understands.
Speaker 1:
Wife did not just leave him for the dirty dishes in the sink, it was because she needed more support and help from him, needed involvement, and that act began to represent disrespect, lack of love, all of these things. So she left him. And now I know that was a long example, but the other end of the pendulum here is we gotta still pick wisely. You can't turn everything you don't love about your partner in that exact instance into a problem or into a fight. You have to be willing to let your partner be a growing, changing, evolving human being who is not perfect, and you have to commit to loving all of them as they change, as they grow, even if they get the weird hobby right. You have to be committed to that And don't fight on the things that don't matter, that won't matter in the long run.
Speaker 1:
And there's this old little rule of thumb that works for both ends of this that I really like, and it's just asking yourself honestly what happens if I do or don't address this. Will this cause a better long-term future? Do I need to bring it up or request this of my partner? Is this something I should just let roll off my back? and it doesn't need to be a big deal Just keeping those parameters in line. It's really easy when we get so comfortable with someone to just say anything that pops into our heads or air any slight grievance, but keep them in mind and keep what is important in mind when bringing up these types of conversations.
Speaker 1:
So for my next one, i got to add a little note here and just for all of this caveat, i think you all know this but please be aware, in this conversation today, i'm talking about safe, healthy, decent relationships. Anyone in an abusive or unsafe situation that is not the conversation that we are having today Please use your resources and get safe. If that is you, i had to throw this out there because my next advice does not apply to these folk. But for the healthy, safe relationships that you want to grow in, nurture, especially if you're married, don't speak about divorce, don't use that word, don't discuss it, don't joke about it, don't think about it, don't fantasize about it when you're fighting right, and I totally agree with this one We definitely don't do that. That is a hard set boundary for both of us in our relationship. Never, ever, use that word. Never have, never will. Really, if you start to even just joke about it or play with it, it starts to normalize it in your brain and that is not something you want to be comfortable with, especially if you want to be like these folks who are celebrating 30, 40 plus years together. If you want that, your fantasies need to be about fixing any problems or hurdles and visualizing you guys in the healthy, wonderful relationship that you know you can have, not fantasizing about you without them. Again, safe, healthy relationships only. Does this apply? Okay, but my last one, this one is my absolute favorite and I'll explain. but it's to be engaged what the other one cares about. Engage in their bids for attention.
Speaker 1:
I remember way back when hearing about the bird watcher bird bid theory years and years ago, and I thought it was so profound, so good and it was so very heavily imprinted on me, fully, since the first time I read it, and it was something that I was very mindful of in my own dating, so I was really happy to get this advice. So what is this? if you don't know about the bird bid theory, it's by a man named John Gottman, who coined what he calls bids for connections, which are really just requests from one partner to another to connect emotionally. And he explains it this way throughout the day, partners would make requests for connections. What Gottman calls bids For the example.
Speaker 1:
The husband is a bird enthusiast, has been for years and he notices a gold finch fly across the yard. He looks and says to his wife look at this beautiful bird outside. He's not just commenting on the bird here, he's requesting a response from his wife, a sign of interest or support, hoping that they'll connect, however momentarily, over this bird. Now the wife has a choice. She can respond by either turning toward or turning away from her husband's bid. As he puts it. Even though this bird bid might sound really minor and really silly, like nothing, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship.
Speaker 1:
The husband thought that the bird was important enough to bring up in the conversation and the question is whether or not his wife realizes and respects that. And as part of his research on this, he conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up on them six years later. Many of them were still together, many of them were divorced. But what he found statistically? that the couples who stayed married were much better at just one thing The percent of times they turned inward rather than away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married were the ones that turned towards each other 86% of the time, such such good stuff.
Speaker 1:
So care about your partner's interest. If they love them, you love them. If y'all are a unit, i think that's so, so great. Just that simple little engagement of excitement is enough to really help keep your spark. So what we've gathered from this information, all the advice we've been getting over the last few months, is Communicate respectfully, with active listening.
Speaker 1:
Choose your battles wisely. Is it worth fighting over or do we let it go? Be clear on what answer serves you best. If you don't want a divorce, don't let it be a reality in conversation or really even in thought. And, lastly, engage with their bids for attention. Give them that love, give them that attention. It only takes a second and it makes you so much more emotionally, intimately connected. So good, go out there. Go love on your honey, love on your partner. Keep on loving. Love hard, love strong. It's what the world needs. And love on you too. Today, don't forget that. But all right, my loves, that's where I'll leave us today. I want to thank you so much for joining in on this conversation with me, and each week, every Monday, we're going to be posting a new episode, going a little bit deeper into the conversation of what you can do to train your brain on purpose to really allow for the lifestyle that you want to live. Until next time, my loves. In the meantime, here's to your health and your happiness.