It's about finding out how strong you are because you deserve to. It's about going after your greatness because you know you can live up to your potential, and it's figuring out what that potential is. It's supporting yourself and loving yourself and being gentle through the pivots.
Hello, my loves, and welcome to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast, where we discuss all things thought, work and manifestation but we use neuroscience and the study of the brain to do so. I'm your host, tessa Spizak. I'm a board certified practitioner, master, life and health coach and seasoned executive speaker. If you're ready to create your highest value lifestyle and turn your dream life into a reality, you're in the right place. Let's get right into today's episode.
Hello, hello, my loves, and welcome back to another episode here on the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast. If you haven't done so yet, please take a second to hit subscribe, like and leave me a review. If you haven't done so yet. It helps this podcast and the algorithm, so those who haven't heard our conversation have more of a chance of seeing it and joining in with us. But with that being said, i want to talk to you guys today about something that's been on my mind lately, and I've been noticing this trend of this conversation coming up a lot more frequently in my personal and group coaching discussions with folks And it's worth mentioning that I work with a lot of people in many different industries and different walks of life but a lot of them are coming to me with the same problem.
They're telling me you know, i know what I should be doing, i know how I feel like I want to be cared for and how I want to care for me, but I don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to make it happen. And there's something that they all have in common It's that they're busy. They give, they're the servant leaders, whether that be the nurses, the busy business owners, the moms or the caregivers. It's someone who's extending the majority of their energy to others' needs and the needs of others throughout the day, and not always having enough leftover for them. And before I start, i want to say this That is incredibly noble. If you found yourself in such a selfless position where love is your driving force and that's what gets you up every day, or the care that you give, that's beautiful and amazing and incredible, and I don't want to shy away from that.
But there's a very common story that I hear from this group That's, their day-to-day life involves so much giving that when it's time to give back to themselves, there's nothing left to give. The nurse who cares for her patients all day, meticulously watching their medicines and their meals, but doesn't give them self enough water throughout the day because they don't feel like they deserve to take enough time to go for a bathroom break or they're not allowed to do it, and that's a whole other story. But now they're chronically dehydrated and after work they're running through the drive-through just to get some energy and some calories right. Or it's the business owner who doesn't sleep and is chronically overstressed, the carer who doesn't take time to do what they need to do because all of their time and energy is going to others. It's going to someone else. This is a common story that I hear and honestly, i'm always so grateful when people come to me with this specific concern because that means we can start making changes before they completely hit a wall or burnout or worse. And I want anyone who may be nodding in agreement with this, especially, but just really anyone listening to consider this.
If you are pouring nothing into your own cup intentionally, no goodness or minimal goodness, minimal care, lots of stress, lots of worry and anxiety. If that's all that's going into your cup, what do you think is pouring out into others? If you don't give to you, how do you expect for yourself to successfully be able to give to others? I found myself coming up with this little speech for these conversations especially when I need to have them with someone I'm working with in which I find myself saying something along the lines of if you aren't comfortable yet caring for you and you still feel like that is a quote unquote selfish thing to do, then I suggest you change your perspective on this. Let's look at your care for yourself as a self-list act, because you have to use this time to pour into you, to fill up your own gas tank, so to speak, so that you can continue to do that and to pour on to others around you. And that's what I want to talk about today The concept of self-care, what it actually is, or at least what it should be, and how to appropriately engage in self-care in the right way or the way that's most helpful or beneficial to you, and what it is that you're trying to create in this life and where I'm seeing the problems or issues arise in the way that some people are having this conversation.
And now just to note here this isn't say that you're doing anything that is actually wrong. But we know knowledge is power. Everything we do, everything we think, there is a response that comes from it. There's an effect because of it. So knowing both what you want to accomplish and the best way to do so are always going to be helpful for you. So let's talk about self-care.
What are most people referring to when they're talking about self-care? But we know that most of the time when looking at what to do for self-care, you're going to, frankly, see a really commercialized version of it. It's go buy this new bubble bath, or go to this retreat, have this vacation, or this day off, go buy this green smoothie, right. And while all of these things are lovely and definitely something I personally enjoy and I am definitely not suggesting not to do them but that's not what self-care is, or at least in the way that I think of it as a coach and a practitioner That's not real self-care.
Most people only see self-care as things that provide relaxation, maybe pampering, just some kind of break from the daily stressors. They see it as an indulgement, if you will, but I don't think that's how we should look at what we frame self-care, as I think for it to be real and helpful and important, we need to look at self-care as something that's about engaging in activities that really activate your brain's reward system, the thing that floods you with the feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. It's about finding the things that bring us joy and give us fulfillment and a sense of purpose, really getting down to the nitty-gritty. I think it's about holding yourself accountable. It's about doing things that tomorrow you will be happy for, even when you don't want to do it in the moment. It's being honest with yourself and asking the hard questions that you need to ask yourself and working through the vulnerable answers. It's about finding out how strong you are, because you deserve to.
It's working to move past the vices or the bad habits that you've picked up that hold you back. It's about going after your greatness because you know you can live up to your potential, and it's figuring out what that potential is. It's supporting yourself and loving yourself and being gentle through the pivots. It's understanding why things are hard, rather than just punishing yourself when it is or applying some negative title that you don't deserve, and applying that to yourself. Yeah, of course sometimes it's soft and it's caring and it's gentle and lovely, but usually that's just the avenue or a tool that we use, a how of doing the real self-care at the core, because sometimes that bubble bath just comes after a long journaling session, after working through these problems and these thoughts and these vices. Maybe that green juice comes as a distraction from the habits of stress or emotional eating And it's something that you can still do with your hands and create for yourself. It's a better habit.
Self-care might be getting up a little earlier so that you give yourself calm and a relaxing morning rather than frantic craziness. Giving yourself that moment to set out your things for tomorrow right, so that in the morning you get a little break. So you might see these lovey-dovey soft things as part of self-care. But the important stuff that's where I want you to focus, because self-love and true self-care is allowing what is excellent for you, allowing yourself to have excellence, and I am a big believer that a huge piece of self-care is giving time and energy to creating stronger self-awareness. I think self-care truly honestly begins with self-awareness. It's understanding your own needs and your emotions and your perceived limitations. It's being aware of your stress levels and triggers and just the areas that you're vulnerable, being able to notice the habits that don't serve you and the things that maybe you should be doing that you're putting off. By cultivating self-awareness, you're really creating a space where you can start to figure out and actually implement these self-care strategies that you might be thinking about forever.
I think one reason that self-care gets this stereotype of only candles and bubble bath and phones off it's because a huge part of what self-care is is creating a system of good stress management, and it's something that's incredibly difficult for most people to do on their own. I spend so much of my conversations helping people really work through this, because taking the steps to manage stress and prevent your burnout, that is self-care. But it's not just simple as a bath. It's adopting healthy coping mechanisms that are specific to you and how you've started to cope now. It's taking the time to actively use relaxation techniques. It's creating mindfulness or those internal conversations with yourself. It's an intentional exercise as a means to make you feel good and treat your body well, and it's time management to make sure that you can breathe through it all.
Sometimes that's purely delegation or boundaries, or learning to say no to things. And, of course, the techniques that work vary quite a bit between people, depending on your preferences and what you've been through in your life. It may be a coaching talk it out session, it may be EFT, tapping, journaling, breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation or really anything that creates that sense of calm that gives your nervous system a bit of a push into the state of homeostasis rather than fight or flight. And, like I said, for some that's boundaries, that's boundary setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, because that's absolutely vital for psychological self-care. This is learning to say no when necessary or setting limits or, like I said, just delegating and communicating with confidence, because establishing boundaries is really important to protecting your mental and emotional well-being and it allows you to prioritize, like I mentioned, your own needs, and I know this is hard for some people. It's not something that a lot of people have ever had modeled for them. So just a really quick note for those who need help. Let me know if you want like a whole episode on this for a longer conversation.
But here's quickly how you set a boundary in a polite and respectful way. First and foremost, you want to use I statements. You want to frame your boundaries in terms of your own feelings, your own needs, definitely coming from your own perspective. This make sure you don't come off as sounding really accusatory or blaming the other person. That can make them really defensive. So instead, say things like I need or I feel, rather than pointing fingers at anyone else or making generalizations about them. So use I statements and you want to be very direct and very specific. You want to clearly communicate your boundary in a very straightforward way. Don't beat around the bush, don't be vague or sugarcoat too much. It's important to state your boundary in a way that there's not really room for misunderstanding or room for different interpretation. It's just set, that is what it is. But of course, we want to be polite and respectful.
You want to approach boundaries setting with people you know in a way that involves a lot of kindness. Even if you feel frustrated or upset, maybe breathe a bit, take some time if you need to approach this in the right way, make this go over a bit more smoothly, because that politeness and that respect that you give will help them understand you more. It'll help minimize that conflict And, again, just keep them from getting too defensive because it's not about them. You need the boundary for you. So avoid using any words that are too aggressive, too confrontational if you're too upset, and just keep the goal to stay very cool and composed and, again, just very direct in what you're saying.
But also it's important that you want to express gratitude, have some appreciation, really show some appreciation that the other person is understanding and respects your boundary. You want to recognize that they're willing to respect your needs. That gratitude can really help maintain a positive tone in between everyone And, yes, that's important. But it also establishes the importance of your boundary And since you said it as important, they'll understand it more likely as important as well And they'll feel better about doing it and obliging to it because you're kind and sincere. So definitely be grateful in this conversation.
And just a final note this is kind of bonus tips here on boundary setting, but you want to try to be open to offering some kind of alternative or compromise. When it's possible, like if it's appropriate, you can provide some compromise that shows that you're really willing to work together to find an answer here And that just maintains a sense of collaboration And make sure that other person doesn't feel just dismissed or bad from this conversation. It holds that relationship in a better light. And, of course, on your end, you just want to make sure that any compromises you offer actually align with the boundary you're trying to set and what your value is, of course, because self-care and self-preservation are the name of the game here. So just really quick, simple examples.
If you need to set a boundary around personal space, you can say something like this like you know, hey, friend, i love and appreciate that you are so excited to talk to me about this, but I have just had a day. I really, really need some me time right now And for me to be as excited for you as I want to be and as excited as I can be with you, i just need to recharge first. Can we catch up later and reconvene on this? So that's super simple and easy. You acknowledge that the other person is enthusiastic, that you want to be enthusiastic with them. You're very friendly, but you're also expressing your need for space right, showing that you value that relationship and you're open to reconnecting when it's more suitable. So you're asking to catch up later, so that way you don't have to add any extra stress to you while you're, you know, trying to cool off from the day and now worry that your friend is pissed too.
So another example here this could be something like time commitments, so you can just say you know, thank you so much for asking me to join you on this or giving me this opportunity, but unfortunately my plate is already so full and I won't be able to take on anything else right now without dropping the ball on something else, and I want to make sure that I can give my all to the things I'm already focused on. Then, if this is a boss or someone who depends on you in some way, depends on what you're doing, you can even offer something. Like you know, if I need to prioritize this, please let me know what you would be comfortable with me deprioritizing, because there's a very good chance I might not be able to get to it or I won't be able to get to it. This way, you can even delegate the mental load to them in finding and creating that change that you want. So you're expressing gratitude while politely declining the offer, but that shows your commitment to the things you've already committed to. It shows that you value those So simple by explaining that you want to give your best effort. It shows that you care about what you do and allows them to figure out how they want to prioritize other things.
Okay and last example, here with boundaries, say you need to set an emotional boundary with a friend. It's you know, talking to them and saying, hey, our friendship, our relationship means so so much to me and I am always here to support you in any way that I can. But I need you to know something I have got to set a boundary for now, or maybe for you if it's forever around discussing this topic, xyz topic, because it brings off this really tough emotion for me. I really hope you understand and respect my need to protect my emotional well-being. I would love to be here for you in any other way, as long as I can avoid discussing that part, because it's really just, it's not something that I can handle. So you emphasize over in a few different ways, over and over, that you value this relationship, you value supporting them, it's something that's really really important to you. But you're also communicating that you do have an emotional boundary. You're just explaining that this certain topic or those certain topics really have a profound effect on you And I mean you can go deeper if this is a close friend you can offer hey, i can explain this to you if you want. Do you want to have this understanding? Because all of this, whether you go deeper or not, it's creating that opportunity for closeness in a different type or even deeper sense of support. So, okay, that was a big caveat on boundary setting the boundaries and understanding your boundaries and how to set them are so, so important in real self-care. So, again, i know this isn't all the soft and easy things, but they are the necessary things.
But going back to our list, aside from compassionate boundary setting and I mean compassionate to the person you're setting the boundaries with and compassionate to you but self-care also includes things like emotional regulation. I say this all the time, but it's really good to hear that emotions are energy in motion. So knowing how to regulate your emotions is such a crucial part of self-care. It's developing the skills to effectively manage your emotions rather than being managed by your emotions. I want to say that, again, you have the power and the ability to manage your emotions. You do not have to be managed by your emotions. So it's very, very important that you take the time to do the things that promote your emotional well-being. That's practicing self-compassion, that's seeking social support, it's engaging in your creative outlets whatever that is that's writing in your journal to get answers to the hard questions. Get to that vulnerable place that you might need to work through. Maybe that's working with a coach to help you untangle it all, but these are all investments worth making when it comes to your self-care. These are all things that will have a long-term, lasting impact in the betterment of you, and a big part of this is self-compassion.
Self-compassion, my loves, is a fundamental pillar of self-care. It's treating yourself with kindness, with understanding and acceptance, especially during the challenging and the hard times. I harp on this, but judging you does nothing good. You don't get more of what you do want by focusing on what you don't want. So treat yourself inside your own headspace with gentle care. With self-compassion, we are really able to lessen those voices in our head that can get so damn critical. It starts to increase our emotional resilience, so our ability to get back up, and it allows that better relationship with you.
When you trust you, your brain trusts what you say. I talk about this in 75 different angles, but your brain has to trust you. You have to feel safe with you. It's about creating relationships with the current you and the past version of you who maybe did things that the more wise, the more knowledgeable you does not like. Maybe you're still cringing at them, right? Maybe you developed habits along the way that really bother you, that now you've got to work against that. You've got to create other habits. We can do all of these things and grow and build and get better and work into our own excellence without judging the previous versions of us.
You would never look at someone that you love, or your bestie or your child, and be mad at them for mistakes they made when they didn't know better for learning and for growing. So why would you treat yourself that way? Treat yourself at least how you would treat someone that you love. You would never look at someone that you care for and you care about and be like oh my god, you had to learn that lesson. I'm so disgusted with you. You had to learn one lesson. That means you don't know anything. You're pathetic. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Always, our brains can go.
No, compassion is key here, and especially with yourself, and seek support if you need it. Get someone who can help you with these things. Use your friend, use your besties, your community, your support. Use a coach who's able to keep you accountable, someone who can help you skip some of the trial and error along the way. Maybe it's someone who can teach you to be a positive self coach in the moment where you need it, rather than just being someone who judges yourself and gets mad at yourself, because that never helps.
So my message to you this week is this Start by reimagining and getting a good idea of what self-care truly means to you. The real stuff, the good stuff. Create a new definition, one that resonates with your authentic self, because self-care is not about superficial or indulgences or just those fleeting little pleasures. While we love them, they have their time and their place and they are an extra added little sprinkle of goodness in our life. What it's really about is something much more profound. It's about nurturing our souls. It's about reclaiming our power. It's about rewiring our own narratives and reclaiming our self-worth.
Real self-care is not about punishment or deprivation or just the little luxuries. No, it's about growth and it's about self-compassion. It's about rewiring our minds and embracing new, empowering habits that align us with our highest self. And I'm telling you guys, if you stick to this and you really make this something that's important to you, i promise this is what you'll find in the process. We find our biggest strengths inside of our vulnerabilities and we find our deepest powers inside of our authenticity. Self-care is a deeply personal and ever-evolving practice. It's about listening to our own needs and our desires. It's trusting our intuition and giving ourselves permission to prioritize our well-being unapologetically.
My goal with this whole conversation here today is to compel you to see your self-care as a radical act of self-love and a radical act of self-empowerment that you absolutely 100, 1000% deserve. And if you have to start small, you have to start with the perspective that it'll be self-less for me to do these things. Then go ahead and do it, but I cannot wait for the day where you find your power, your radical self-love, in the care that you give to you. But all right, my loves, that's where I'll leave us today. I want to thank you so much for joining in on this conversation with me, and each week, every Monday, we're going to be posting a new episode, going a little bit deeper into the conversation, of what you can do to train your brain on purpose to really allow for the lifestyle that you want to live. Until next time, my loves. In the meantime, here's to your health and your happiness.