The Power of Self-Love, Discipline, and Personal Boundaries (Boundaries Part II)

It is an absolutely transformative path we take when we unlock the potent blend of self-love and discipline needed to craft a purposeful lifestyle.

This episode is a deep dive into the world of SELF boundaries, where I share how my own personal boundaries and guidelines have revolutionized my life, giving you the tools to do the same.

Learn the difference a simple shift in language can make, as we move from the passive 'I will' to a commitment that resonates to our core. Plus, discover the magic that can ignite instant action towards your dreams, thwarting the brain's typical shutdown response.

Feel the energy of a fresh start where we come together to explore strategies for mental fitness that cultivate joy and health. This week, we delve into the art of consulting your future self for life's daily decisions, ensuring every choice aligns with your long-term happiness. Segment intending, a gem from Abraham Hicks, becomes your secret weapon for maintaining a positive outlook, and a guide through setting intentions for each day's various moments.

I'd be honored to connect with you on your journey journey; to share stories, experiences, and the excitement of living with purpose and happiness.


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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You deserve to have these boundaries with yourself. That makes it easier for you, takes it off your mental load and again lets you get closer to the lifestyle that you want, and you know that you can have. Hello my loves, and welcome to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast, where we discuss all things thought, work and manifestation but we use neuroscience and the study of the brain to do so. I'm your host, tessa Spiezeck. I'm a board certified practitioner, master, life and health coach and seasoned executive speaker. If you're ready to create your highest value lifestyle and turn your dream life into a reality, you're in the right place. Let's get right in to today's episode. Hello, hello my loves, and welcome in to the Purposeful Lifestyle Development Podcast. As always, I want to say welcome and thank you for spending your time with me. However, and wherever you are tuning in from, just diving right in, we can see this is a bit of a part two. I am so excited to have this conversation today. I think this concept that we'll be talking about is one of the most important ways that you can show yourself love in a real, meaningful and actionable way that leads to you feeling one better about yourself, two, more confident in yourself and three just on top of your ish, which is a phenomenal formula for improving your mental health and happiness long term. So, like I said, diving right in that concept is having appropriate, loving but firm boundaries with yourself.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Now, we did talk about boundaries last week, how to set them and structure real boundaries with the people that you have relationships with, and we talked about how. It's not setting a rule for anyone else to follow. Rather, it's a guideline that reflects what feels right or what feels wrong in a relationship with a person. A rule, on the other hand, is demanding a specific outcome or behavior. So that's something that I want to make note of it's a guideline, not a demand, and I want you to think of setting boundaries with yourself in the same light, because, when done the right way setting clear boundaries with yourself and actually sticking them, having a plan in place to stick to them I believe it is the kindest and most compassionate form of self discipline that you can take. Plus, just a side note here if you're not comfortable with setting boundaries with yourself, more likely than not I cannot imagine much comfort in setting them with others, which we already spent a lot of time last week talking about how important this is. So being comfortable setting boundaries with yourself, I would say, is doubly important for that reason as well, just like how setting boundaries with others gives them the opportunity to love you and respect you correctly in your relationship. Doing it for and with yourself is a huge foundation for self love and self trust.

Speaker 1: 3:15

So let's talk about what that looks like, and in preparing for this episode, I listed out what I consider to be my biggest boundaries that I have with myself, so I'll go through those and give some explanation. Of course, do feel free to steal them, as I do believe they are amazing. But I'll talk about what I set and why, and then we'll go into how you can set boundaries with yourself. We'll go through this step by step, but first and foremost, one of my most important boundaries that I set with myself. I have talked about this one before, but as much as possible, I'll give the little caveat. I'm not perfect, so I do need the reminder from time to time and it's something that I know will get me back in gear, but as much as I have control over it, I do not say that I'm going to do something if I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1: 4:08

So boundary number one is do not say that you are going to do something if you don't mean it Seriously. Don't say it to other people. Don't say it to yourself. It's a sneaky little habit. That can be something we don't even notice that we're really doing. But be honest about what your true intentions are, because what can happen here is when you let yourself keep doing this, it can essentially change the definition in your brain, the way your brain understands the statement I will do this today, and it changes that meaning when you say I'll do this today or I'll do this this week, or fill in the blank to I may or may not do this, depending on how I feel, we'll see.

Speaker 1: 4:53

And if this happens too many times, where we're making a commitment to ourself or to someone else and we drop the ball, so to speak, or don't do what we said we were, it'll start to make you feel really bad and really low because you aren't keeping that promise you made to yourself, sometimes making it feel like we can't or we aren't capable or good enough or strong enough or determined enough or whatever to keep those promises to ourself. So when we don't trust ourselves as much, that's what really starts to wreak havoc on your confidence because again it feels something along the lines of well, I don't know if I can right, so a boundary to have that I think is so, so important about how you feel about you is to get honest. What fits in your bandwidth, right, if you can or can't, will or won't, I promise you will feel a lot better if you routinely overpromise and under deliver, rather than the other way around, and especially when it's to your self. So first one just don't make commitments that you don't think you can keep, even if you're just saying, oh, I'll get to that, when you don't know that you can Make sure that your brain is really trusting what you say. Okay, second boundary here it's built off of the five second rule by our girl, mel Robbins, which is so, so good, so simple, yet honestly will make your life flow better. And her rule is that and I'm quoting her here is that if you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. The moment you feel an instinct or a desire to take action on a goal or on your commitment, use the rule five, four, three, two, one and do it. Now my adapted version of that, for my own boundary with myself is basically if you think of it and you can finish it within five minutes, just do it. Don't add it to the mental load of the running to do list, just knock it out. If you can five, four, three, two, one, do it.

Speaker 1: 7:06

And I don't know if my husband, joe, knows how grateful I am for him for this, but he is literally the perfect example of this on a daily basis. I almost think it's crazy. He is very good at getting whatever it is done right then, especially if it's a quick five minute thing. If he remembers something mundane like oh, I need to go to the dentist right Immediately after it pops into his head, especially if it's something quick, automated system can be done like that, he just does it right then and there every single time. And if he can't get to it, you know he has one running to do list. But, man, I'm telling you, he never seems to forget anything because he just does it in the moment or as soon as possible. It stays on his radar and I swear I've never seen him late with anything. It's incredibly efficient and I have to admit that does not come natural to me. I am a ruminating to do list ADHD girly. If I don't watch myself and if I don't catch it, it gets added to the list and who knows when it will be taken care of.

Speaker 1: 8:22

I feel like a lot of us are guilty of this, is we have a low priority thing that we don't necessarily knock out right away, so it stays on the to do list every single day. Because, like I said, if I'm not careful I almost have a natural instinct or natural habit of you know. Say, I needed to set that appointment with the dentist. I don't know why I'm using that example. It just feels like something that is incredibly mundane and boring. But that type of task, something that does not excite me, brings no joy.

Speaker 1: 8:56

I know that my normal habit, if I don't watch it, is to try to remember and say, okay, I'll find time to get that done in my day. Today I'll put it on the to-do list. But when I do that I'm doing so much more work rather than just calling then, because if I put it on the to-do list, that's adding to my mental load that'll make me need to think about it later. I'll have to plan when it fits. It's just so much more of a mental task doing it that way. So, if I can make the call, do the thing, do whatever that little under five minute task is, as soon as I remember, I really try to just do it. It's a boundary with myself, like I said, we're not perfect, but it's something that really, really helps and it really is just such a great and strong boundary to have with yourself. Like I said, I do have to focus on this one, but it just makes me feel so on top of everything when it's all just gets done. Okay.

Speaker 1: 10:00

So next, another boundary I really really like and I just think is so powerful, is to get comfortable and almost excited about being able to tell yourself no, and it's in the sense of being mindful in the moment, not depriving yourself, not saying no for no reason, but putting you in the driver's seat of your own decisions. On top of it and let me explain here's an exercise that I use with my clients especially. This fits a lot with my nutrition clients. Maybe we have some goals around what we're eating and if the discussion goes to making the choice between a quote unquote healthy food and a quote unquote more fun, focused food, right, we don't say good or bad around here but say you're making the choice between having that home cooked meal that you planned on having you already brought the ingredients for you have the intention, or you did have the intention and you do have the time to make it or ordering your favorite pizza, right?

Speaker 1: 11:06

My suggestion here is to only think about what would tomorrow you say not, what would I say, not what would society say, their mom, partner, friend, coworker? Not what they would say about it, I don't care about them. But what would you future you, tomorrow you say about that choice? Because there are absolutely days where the best and most correct choice for you and for tomorrow you is to choose the pizza and where you would say I am so glad I had that silly, fun night and ate some pizza and listened to my body and gave it a rest and a giggle for whatever I was doing and that was such a good idea. I'm so glad I gave myself the flexibility to do that. There are absolutely those times and I encourage you to have them.

Speaker 1: 11:54

But if your nutrition goals are in mind, like in this example or whatever goal, it would be like here saying you already bought the ingredients. You've already told yourself that you're going to have this healthy meal. You were excited about it. You can recognize that tomorrow, if you choose the pizza, you might be like dang it. I wish I didn't do that, man. I had the intention and I feel not good about the decision. I wish I didn't do that.

Speaker 1: 12:24

All that, whatever that internal dialogue is that's why I say it's a great boundary to have with yourself is being able to take that mindful moment, even if it's getting out of this moment. Ask your future self how are you going to feel about this decision? And then get comfortable telling yourself no to potentially that short term pleasure in able to say yes to something that will give you a longer term pleasure? In this instance, maybe it would only feel good for 10 minutes to eat the pizza, but the next day you're going to be pretty annoyed with yourself, like, maybe I had a good street going. The food that I made is now going to go to waste, whatever, whatever. Then here's a big act of self-love is being comfortable and proud of yourself for being able to say no. Whatever this may be. It's saying no to snoozing your alarm in the morning so that you have an easier and happier morning. Maybe it's saying no to vegging out on the couch instead of working on that project or whatever it is that you have committed to do.

Speaker 1: 13:27

I just really love this boundary with myself. I use it to help me a lot in making decisions, is I ask my future self, I ask tomorrow me how do you feel about the decision? And every time this is kind of a kicker here too Every time I listen to myself and actually say you know what, in this moment I feel like I would rather this, but in the grand scheme of things, let me do the better thing. It would be comfortable to just sit and scroll and watch a funny video rather than get up and do what I said I was going to do, but every time I get up and do what I said I was going to do, it gives me an opportunity for a little pat on the back. I thank me, I'm glad for me, and it honestly always feels really, really good. So get comfortable telling yourself no when appropriate and asking yourself if you should tell yourself no and being able to check in with future you to do so. I really like that. All right, so this is my last one.

Speaker 1: 14:26

My last boundary is my personal favorite and this is sticking to the habit of segment intending. I didn't used to call it this, I actually learned the name from Abraham Hicks and segment intending is, just as it sounds, such a good name. But you make intentions about a segment of time that you're going into. Basically, every time you move into a new room, you get into the car, you start a phone call, each and every new thing you do is really a new segment of time and a segment of your life will even call it, and you have the opportunity to set an intention about what you want to feel in that moment. How do you want to feel? What do you want to focus on? What do you want to see? What would you like to happen?

Speaker 1: 15:12

Abraham Hicks tells the story of going on a flight and having the intention of seeing a lot of efficiency in the flight team a really good flight. She wanted to see human connection on board and really kind of soak up that and some other lovely little things, but that's exactly what she saw. What are you intending to happen in this moment? Take some time to think about that. If you don't have intentions about it, then we're just gonna filter through everything rather than searching for what you want and what you intend, because, remember, this is the reticular activating system in our brain. It is always scanning through a ridiculous amount of stimuli that you are able to focus on and tells you, kind of, what to think about, what to see. We all know the example, right, of your thinking about a yellow car and now that you thought about it, you seem to see them everywhere on the road. Now, obviously, just because you thought about yellow cars does not mean that all your neighbors will in bought them, but it just is a really great example of how your brain reacts to what you focus on.

Speaker 1: 16:22

So, whatever it is that I'm doing whether it's sitting down to report this record, this podcast I think about how I want to reach the right person. I want to speak clearly. I want to feel excited about the news that I'm sharing, a research study that I'm sharing. I want to feel really confident that I know what the heck I'm talking about. I really want to feel like I'm giving value. So I focus on that and that's my, what my brain basically says okay, and that's when we focus on. When I personally hop on a one on one session, I'm intending for how connected I want to feel, how, on top of my game, I can think clearly and really add value and help them with whatever they need. That segment intending when I do something like work out, as I'm getting ready to go, I think about how I intend to be full of energy and endorphins and when I'm done, I want to feel healthy and like my blood flowing and I want to feel strong, right, even something like calling a friend. Before I call, I have a little. This is five seconds to. This isn't a full on journal entry, but maybe even as I'm dialing, walking to my phone as it's ringing, I really make that intention that I want them to be feeling cared for and heard and that this conversation strengthens our friendship. Segment intending is beautiful and it's easy and honestly, again, it takes five seconds and it is one of the best mental tricks for a happy brain that I know of.

Speaker 1: 17:55

Now, like I said, you don't have to have all of these exact boundaries with yourself. These are just some ideas. As a coach, as a practitioner, these are what I keep for myself. But setting something that keeps you doing what best serves you is totally the name of the game here. So, when you're setting your own or thinking about your own. Here is how I would guide you through it.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Don't need four steps here. So first steps take a look at your day to day and pay special attention to different areas of your life that maybe feel like they could really benefit from structure, maybe need some limits. This might be something like your finances, your relationships, your electronic usage right, your daily routine, physical health, nutrition, emotional health, taking a look at your vices, whatever the case, but if there's something that would make you feel better If there was a little bit of structure, we were going about it different, that's a place that we want to start. Then, step two start thinking about what actions you could add into your life, or maybe adjust, that are more reflective of your goals, your values and your visions about yourself. We've talked about this before, just closing the gap between who you want to be and who you are. Now let's think about what steps we can take here.

Speaker 1: 19:19

Step three do not try to do everything all at once. I've talked about this so many times. But don't set all of your boundaries at once or very hard strict boundaries at first. Setting boundaries is a process, especially when it comes to with yourself. It's going to take time, very much it's going to take practice. I'd even call it a skill, and we know that trying to make too many changes all at once can absolutely backfire on us. Do not forget that we are humans with human brains, and seeking perfection will never be the right course and coming from a recovering perfectionist, please hear me there. And that brings me to step four use compassionate accountability.

Speaker 1: 20:05

Like I said, it is totally counterproductive to expect perfection and then down yourself for not holding all of your boundaries super perfectly all the time. Remember what I said in the beginning here this is the most loving way to do this. We never change by hating our way into change. We only love our way into change. So when you struggle with a boundary maybe a new one that you're setting with yourself, you have to be gentle. Just question about it Something I say all the time get curious.

Speaker 1: 20:40

But being too harsh or unrealistic with yourself can really start to make us feel the opposite of what we're setting out to do. We're here to feel better, feel great, feel confident and self love. But if we try to do everything all at once and we're not gentle with ourselves, it can really bring on the opposite feelings, like shame, maybe hopelessness in that area, or just give you the urge to give up. So instead, just notice when and why maybe you don't stick to that boundary, what led you to slip up or stray from your intention, and then just adjust if needed and make a plan to improve 1% the next time, or just get back at it as soon as you realize. It's as simple as that. So I hope all of this got you thinking. My intention is that you are feeling really hyped to love yourself a little harder by gifting yourself boundaries that will bring you closer to the lifestyle and reality that you want and you deserve. You deserve to have these boundaries with yourself. That makes it easier for you, takes it off your mental load and again lets you get closer to the lifestyle that you want and you know that you can have.

Speaker 1: 21:57

If you have any questions, you know where to find me wwwpurposfullifestyledevelopmentcom or any of my socials with coach Tessa. Until then, you have all of my love and, as always, send me your stories. You know I want to hear how it goes. But alright, my loves, that's where I'll leave us today. I want to thank you so much for joining in on this conversation with me, and each week, every Monday we're going to be posting a new episode, going a little bit deeper into the conversation, of what you can do to train your brain on purpose to really allow for the lifestyle that you want to live. Until next time, my loves. In the meantime, here's to your health and your happiness.