Ep. 83 The Nervous System Isn’t Meant to Be Calm: Trauma, Patterns & Building Capacity — with Desiree Cafaro

Welcome back to the HEAR HER podcast!

In this episode, Heather is joined by Desiree Cafaro—somatic experiencing practitioner, Pilates teacher, and nervous system guide—for a grounded and clarifying conversation about trauma, patterns, and how the nervous system actually works.

Together, we explore a powerful reframe: the nervous system isn’t meant to be calm all the time—it’s meant to be responsive.

Desiree shares how many of us are living with patterns of activation that feel like who we are, when in reality, they are protective responses shaped by past experiences. Her work focuses on supporting the nervous system so that it can move through activation and settling with more ease, rather than getting stuck.

We also talk about the difference between somatic healing and somatic experiencing, the importance of working with a trained practitioner, and how healing happens through small, gradual shifts over time.

This conversation offers a deeper understanding of how the nervous system functions—and how we can begin to support it, rather than trying to override or force it to change.

We Explore:
Why the nervous system is not meant to be calm all the time
Trauma as patterns held in the body
Building capacity instead of trying to “fix” yourself
The difference between somatic healing and somatic experiencing
Co-regulation and how our nervous systems respond to others
Resourcing and simple ways to support regulation
Why healing happens slowly, through small shifts over time

Connect with Today’s Guest

 Website: https://www.rootedwellnessandpilates.com 

 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rooted_wellness_and_pilates

🎥 Free Pilates Class for Nervous System Support:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5AijUS3fDI&t=37s

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Work with Heather
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Thank You for Listening
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Until next time, may you remember to quiet the chaos, tune inward, and HEAR HER. ✨

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

Hello, lovely listeners and welcome back to another episode of the Hear Her podcast. It is so wonderful to be here with you if you're new around here. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm Heather, founding mother of Divinely Sensitive, an energy doula and spiritual guide. Us Walking Women Home to themselves and at the heart of my work is the Hear her sister. An online space to come home to yourself again and again and again. It's a place to explore your intuition at your own pace, rooted in the sacred feminine, the seasons, and the natural world. Inside, you'll find monthly guided journeys. Meditations, Oracle Readings, live gatherings. Simple yet potent practices and so much more. All alongside a loving community of like-hearted women, learning to trust themselves in these uncertain times. So if you're feeling the pull for connection or support, there's a link in the show notes to join our online community. And if you're local to the Charlottesville area or passing through, come see me at Overs, soul Healing Center. It's such a cozy spot. I offer Reiki, private sound, bath, and intuitive energy medicine sessions. I would love to meet you where you are.

Speaker 2 1:43

After having an amazing conversation with today's guest, I received an email inviting me to enjoy a session with her. And it was a full body yes. As soon as I read it, uh, it was just like straight to the heart. I was so grateful, and I'm so glad that I said yes, and then I went I still carry with me some of the simple yet potent tools that she shared with me as we started to explore somatic healing. Really just dipping our toe in and she was so kind and so gentle, and when I feel tightness in my body somewhere, I can still hear her. Her, I can still hear her soft voice guiding me to feel into that tightness, right? And to gently move how my body wants to move. Desiree believes in the power of movement to heal. Her work is trauma informed and intertwines nervous system, regulation and movement. She's passionate about supporting clients to find a deeper connection with themselves and to access the inherent health that we all have. Desiree is a somatic experiencing practitioner, nationally certified Pilates teacher and a health coach certified through the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. She is currently studying pre perinatal psychology, developmental trauma, and biodynamic craniosacral therapy. You are in for such a treat. I'm really excited to share this intuitive conversation with you. Okay, loves. Here we go.

Heather 3:21

Desiree, welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much for joining us today on the Hear Her Podcast. It's so good to be here with you.

Desiree 3:29

Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here and spend this time with you and connect.

Heather 3:34

Wonderful. Amazing. I'm really excited to dive in. And before we do listeners, if you've been with me for a while now, you know, we're gonna just take a minute to land in the present moment. So inviting you to join me and just start by feeling your feet on the ground and if it feels safe and good for you, inviting you to close your eyes. And to just feel where your breath is in this moment, allowing yourself to slowly exhale anything that was going on before you landed here. And to exhale anything that might be going on after you listen, tuning back into your feet, feeling the bottoms of your feet, touching the ground, the earth beneath. And a little invitation from Spirit is coming in an invitation to give the mind a little rest, to relax the muscles in your face. An invitation to take a break from living from the neck up as you breathe. We're being invited to feel as much as we can in our body. Tuning in maybe to any tension or areas where you're feeling a little unbalanced or maybe some pain and inviting you to breathe in a nice healing breath. Imagine healing light coming through as you inhale and sending it to that part of your body. An exhaling, anything that is ready to go, anything that's ready to be released, you don't even have to know what it is. Just setting that intention in this moment to release any energy that is ready to leave your body through your breath, inviting you to place your hands on your heart. And we're gonna take three. Nice deep breaths together. Spirit is saying, in honor of our beautiful vessels, our beautiful bodies breathe, and I'm seeing the word joy as well. We often tune into the pain in our body. Or where we're feeling unbalanced and spirit's giving us this little invitation. As we take these next two breaths to tune into your body and where you might feel balanced and feel harmonious and feel joy, breathe that your own pace. Breathe. Inviting you to maybe shake your hands out and wiggle your body a little bit, inviting you into this present moment with myself and Desiree, and when you feel complete, if your eyes were closed, you can open them. Welcome listeners. Desiree, so great to be here with you and yeah, so nice. Thank you for that. That was a lovely way to settle in. Yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome. So Desiree, how do you sprinkle your magic in the world?

Desiree 8:04

Hmm. That's a, that's a great question. Um, I think that. So much of what I share and what I do, um, has been something that I've learned in my own journey. So much of my lived experience of things that I have gone through that have been hard, um, I feel like I've really taken those experiences as, um, ways I can go into my own learning, um, more deeply. And then out of that has been this. Um, kind of, um, I guess calling, but like this, need to share it with others. Mm-hmm. Um, so it shows up in different ways depending on, you know, what I'm doing, but it feels like there's this piece of feeling, like something that I've experienced that it's made impact for me. Then I want to share it with other, with others. Hmm. That's so beautiful. I love that. I, my work is, is very similar, so I feel that very deeply in my heart. I often say, you know, I'm not your guru. I do this work because I need this work. And I love how you said, you know, it's through my lived experiences. I always say like, our life is the greatest mystery school we could ever be in. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Heather 9:33

Yeah. So can you share with the audience, a little bit about, I know you, you do Pilates and somatic experiencing, uh, and in this. Unknown, chaotic time. Uh, one of the main reasons I wanted to highlight local healers and practitioners was so that people out there know that they're not alone. And, and for anyone who's not local to, um, the Blue Ridge area where we are, uh, most of, most of I You do work online as well?

Desiree 10:06

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Heather 10:07

The women I've interviewed do do work online as well, and, you know, hoping to inspire people to get out into their community if they wanna do something in person and maybe look for, you know, somatic experiencing or, or a Pilates coach or something like that. So can you share with us how you work with people and, um, and what exactly it is that you do?

Desiree 10:27

Yeah, so I, my work is really around, um. The nervous system, so supporting nervous system health. Um, and there's this beautiful intersection of how do we bring in like the physical body and then that sort of the mental piece. So I think a lot of people, uh, we try to separate these things. Like, I'll go over here for my mental health. I'll go over here for my physical health. I'll go over here for my, you know, whatever else it is. And, um, in my experience, I haven't really been able to disconnect those things or if I tried to disconnect them, it felt like I wasn't really getting. The, um, the fuller picture of support that I needed. So, um, my work now tries to sort of hold the whole person when somebody comes in to see me. And how do we, how do we really do that in a way that honors your whole experience, right? Like, what if somebody comes in with back pain? Well, what else? Is it just the physical, you know, body that we're looking at? Or is there other pieces that are. Needing support around that. And so really my interest in, um, figuring out a way to offer this broader sense of support, um, came from my experience in Pilates, which was great and very body oriented. But then feeling like if somebody came in and wanted to talk about these other things or there was other stuff going on, I either didn't know how to support them, or you're kind of told, oh, stay in your lane. Like, we can't really help, you know, with that. And so I was like, no, I wanna learn more so I can actually support a bigger experience. so I feel like the nervous system is a foundation for health. Mm-hmm. And so I approach all of my work through that lens. So some of my work is just, I don't wanna say just Pilates, people will come in to work more with a physical, either just wanting to exercise, wanting to work on strengthening their core or coming in with an injury. Or maybe pre or post-surgery or something along those lines. Um, and with that work, I'll still be holding, noticing their nervous system. Is there any history of trauma? What else might be making their experience currently a little more challenging? Mm. Which I think is so important. Yeah. And then also working with people more specifically around, um. Trauma and they're, and like they're, they're coming in because they're, they've, they're feeling like something is missing from their, their care in that aspect. Like maybe they've done a bunch of talk therapy, but they know there's a piece in the body, or, um, yeah, they just, they Google something and that it pops up. They're like, this sounds interesting, I wanna check this out. Um, and then sometimes those intersect and we, there's like a way that they, we combine some movement and some Pilates with this deeper understanding of. Um, yeah. How does our nervous system, how does it, it's with us all the time, right? So how, how does it show up? How does it respond? How does it become patterned? And then what do we do to support it so we can really live feeling like, um, we feel good and we know how to navigate these experiences in life with a little more ease? If that hasn't felt that way.

Heather 13:44

Mm. I am like, sign me up. You were describing I'm not right when you said, uh, you know. Just you Google something and Somatic comes up and you're like, oh, that was a long time ago for me. And so actually, you know, that just brought something up for me. Can you, in your own words, explain to listeners what is somatic experiencing? It's very popular somatic coaching. Somatic healing is a big thing right now, and so, yeah.

Desiree 14:13

Yeah. Yeah. So I would say, you know, somatic just means body so that anytime someone says, Hey, this is somatics, or this is somatic healing, that's just saying that is like, you know, somatic just is the word body. Um, and it is definitely a buzzword and definitely something that's become very, um, like on the forefront of healing right now, which is great. And also it's not all the same. Um, so somatic experiencing as a specific. Modality created by Peter Levine. He's written a lot of books on, uh, trauma and as a, um, a Thera psychotherapist. And so he has this training, um, program that, so basically thematic experiencing is a body-based way of looking at trauma and then working with the nervous system to release that trauma, um, or those experiences. Um. So Somatic experiencing is a three-year program to kind of, to get that designation, to be able to become a somatic experiencing practitioner. But this thing, it's important to sort of differentiate between just if you see something that says somatic healing, it doesn't mean that it's somatic experiencing doesn't mean it's bad, but just knowing that there's a little bit of a difference between those, those two, those things.

Heather 15:27

Yes. I love that you shared that because I've recently learned that and it's made so much sense because for a while I was looking for practitioners and I would just see something that said, you know, somatic or somatic healing. I'd be like, oh, okay, yeah, I'll try that. And I would go and, and I'd be like, uh, that's not really, yeah. Looking for, that's not what I thought I was. Coming for. Right.

Desiree 15:45

And I would say of course, everybody brings their own experience Absolutely. And their background to any training. Yes. And there's lots of programs out there that are not specifically somatic experiencing and practitioners that are fantastic.

Heather 15:56

Amazing. Um,

Desiree 15:57

but to actually get the SEP designation, it is a three year program. There is, um, you know, there's certain things you have to do to get that, to receive that training, and some people will go through part of the training but won't actually get the full, you know, they won't do every single piece of the coursework. So there's lots of ways you just have to be, um, yeah. Which is tricky if you're trying to find a, you know, practitioner that works for you. Right. Um, and then so much of it too is really about how does your nervous system feel with that person's nervous system. So there's this piece of co-regulation where sometimes you could have all the training in the world and it might just not be the right fit for you. And that's fine. I mean, we're all different and we're all feeling into that as well. So I think that's a really important piece of, um. Well, I think with any work, but what is that felt sense between two nervous systems? There's a lot that's happening. Connection.

Heather 16:48

Mm-hmm.

Desiree 16:49

Yeah. A lot that's happening there. That's really important. And so if you're, you know, in a session with somebody and you're like, that doesn't feel quite right. It's like your body's giving you some information and we're like, okay, let's, yeah, this might, might not be the right fit. Or let's explore like, what that, what's, you know, what's that about?

Heather 17:04

Yeah. Um,

Desiree 17:05

yeah.

Heather 17:06

Yeah. Well, and I think the big piece for me, uh, was. Understanding that somatic experiencing is is working with the nervous system. Yeah, which is what I'm, what I've been looking for. So listeners, I'm probably gonna schedule a session with Desiree and then I can come back on and talk about it in another episode. Yeah, because I, I've done a couple of things online, um, in the past with a really incredible teacher and I'm looking for something in person, um, that also is, is rooted in nervous system. Um, and having someone, I think listeners that's really educated. Uh, like Desiree's talking about this three year certification is important when working with the nervous system because then that also, you know, you can go to someone who's like, I'm gonna calm your nervous system. But that's different from somebody who really understands the nervous system.

Desiree 18:03

So, and you actually just said something that always kind of make triggers me a little bit, not, I'm just kinda using that word. Yeah. Actually doesn't really trigger me. But, um, the whole idea that we should just calm our nervous system is such an interesting idea and I would say not true. Chill out. Right. So, and sometimes too, if you're somebody who's living with a lot of nervous system dysregulation, someone tells you to calm your nervous system, you're just like. Huh What? Huh? Like that doesn't make any sense. And honestly it doesn't, right? So our nervous system is actually not supposed to be calm all the time. Our nervous system is supposed to be responsive. We, we should respond to stress. We should be also be able to settle from stress. So a lot of times what happens when we have dysregulation is that there's a way that our nervous system is getting sort of stuck and isn't moving through. Um, these. Experiences of activation deactivation with as much ease as we would like it to. But I think there's sort of this idea that like, oh, if your nervous system is regulated, that means you're relaxed. And I just, I don't, I disagree with that. And so I think it's important to, um, I think for all of us, it's important to understand how does, what is a nervous system supposed to do? How does it work? 'cause we all are experiencing this, whether or not we're using this language or not. And then I think an understanding, um, oh yeah, that's how it's supposed to work. Then we can sort of have more, um, um, like it makes more sense to us. So it's not as much of a problem as it's like, oh yeah, it's supposed to do that. And then it's like, oh, okay, here are maybe ways or, um. Reasons why something's gotten a little patterned or a little bit stuck, and how can we offer some different choice, or how can we let some, um, energy that's then more stuck? How can we let that resolve or how can we let that move through our systems in a way that actually allows the nervous system to, um, do what it's supposed to do, which is to move through these different experiences or different phases or sensations. Lots of different ways or different language you can use to describe that, but

Heather 20:14

I

Desiree 20:14

love

Heather 20:14

that. And the word just always triggers me too. Like, just calm your nervous system, right? You're like, no, like it's no biggie. You should just be right. I mean, I'm probably guilty. I'm saying that sometimes as well, right? Because it's just woven in there. But I love that, that you shared that because anyone that I've ever talked to about nervous system work. Always talks about how it's really about building capacity for all of it to move through. So when you said move through, I was like, yeah,

Desiree 20:40

yeah,

Heather 20:41

yeah, yeah. That's so beautiful. Um, so in the work that you do, I would imagine, um, that intuition plays a big, a big role in, in your work, and I would love to hear. About your journey, maybe your healing journey or what led you to this work or, um, you know, anything that you might wanna share about your journey with intuition and trusting your intuition?

Desiree 21:08

Yeah, so I think that, um, when you've had a lot of nervous system dysregulation in your life. In your body. I think sometimes we can doubt ourselves or we can be unsure of like what information we're getting. Um, and so I am, you know, personally I, um, have a history of developmental trauma. Um, I went through a divorce that was really traumatic for me and um, I guess it's been about 13 years ago now, but that. Really Then I, um, moved into a moldy apartment and I got a mold illness and Lyme disease. Um, and I, I had this huge like, health, um, crises and I was teaching Pilates at this point already. So, and I also had, had history of back pain. So I had had a lot of these, like, I would say traumas for sure, but also these just really hard experiences and feeling. I had felt very healthy in my body before my divorce, and then pretty within a few months felt just really awful and kind of just started this deep process of like really getting to like the root cause of like, of all these different pieces, whether it was like the physical and movement and how my back was moving or what was going on there, um, through more of the Pilates work. And then I. You know, dive deep into nutrition and, and health and trying to figure out like, how can I support my body, um, with this, these other health issues, the Lyme disease with the mold. Um, and then was also had done a lot of therapy around, uh, my childhood and trying to work out all of that and, um. It felt like just a slowly slow sort of like peeling onion layers of like, okay, there's this layer I know myself a little deeper, I can tune into like, what's really me versus what is all this other stuff kind of on top of it. Um, and then things started to feel like, you know, better. I feel like I got, got, had made some ground. Um, and I would have the sense that like that there was something that was missing or there was something that I was like. I've done all this work, but why do I still feel this? Whatever it is in my, in my body, in my nervous system. And I was, um, taking a little online course, um, on related to relationships. I was having some challenges with my, um, the relationship I was in. And I was drawn to this course, and so I was taking it and they had someone who was doing thematic experiencing for us, and I heard it. I heard about it, and they led us through a couple of these exercises. And I just had this deep knowing that I was like, I need to do this. And it just felt like it was this thing that I was like, I don't know why this thing calls me, but it does. So I did. I Googled and I was like, who's a, and I wanted to work with a therapist because of my trauma history. That felt really important to me. Um, and so I Googled and I found somebody here in Charlottesville who was a psychotherapist and somatic experiencing practitioner, and I, um, started to see her and, um, it was really helpful for me, It really started to help lots of different things. And it was not, it was slow. Like it wasn't like a quick. So sometimes I'd be like, oh, is this really working? And it's like, it's so expensive and can I really, like, can I do this right now? And I just kind of kept with it and I was like, okay. Like she says that the, you know, like this is what I'm on this path. Like okay. Um, and like over time really noticed these really significant, um, shifts for me. And then I was interested trying to decide like, um. It turn, it seems like with when I said it a little bit earlier, but for almost all these things that I do for myself, then I'm like, I wanna share this with people. And I was like, oh, well this is amazing. I wanna share this with my clients. And this was also around the time, um, we were coming out of COVID and I was like, oh my gosh, everybody needs to be grounded like that. We're we're, we all need this. So I was incorporating little pieces that I had learned with just really basic, with my Pilates group classes and, um. I wanted, I was curious about doing the training and so this woman, this therapist I was working with, she really encouraged me to just get the training because I have some coaching background and she was like, don't you know, she's like, don't go back to school to be a therapist. She's like, just take the essay training and see, see how it lands for you. And so I did, and just being in that program, so much of the training is also experiential. So you're processing and getting personal sessions and just getting really like deep into, um. I kind of think of it as like an unwinding, but just really getting into some of the stuff that had just been held in my system for so long and, um, like at this point, that was a few years ago now. Like I feel like this work, the somatic experience thing specifically has changed my life. Like, I don't, um, in all ways, like, I think it's been foundational for my physical health, for the, you know, wanting to do the other things I've dealt with. It's, um, changed how I show up in relationships. It's changed how I navigate challenges in life. It's just been, and my, I just feel so much different than I did before and I feel like I have a much better sense of knowing, wow, is this really me? Like my intuitive, my deeper knowing myself? Or is this sort of a layer of a pattern or a, something that's old or something that's not mine or something that I've been holding, but that isn't. Truly isn't me. And so I feel like in this work and in this process, I've, that has been become so much more clear, um, which is amazing. It feels like it's a gift to myself and then also gets a big gift for them that I can share it with other people.

Heather 27:13

Yes. Yeah. Oh, that's so beautiful. So when you were young, was intuition a part of anything for you, like family or, you know, that you, you said you had a deep knowing, right? We all have. Our intuitive connections and senses can, can show up very differently for each one of us. And and I heard you say that you had a deep knowing. So is that, my other question would be, is that how you, your intuition works most of the time?

Desiree 27:40

I would say that sometimes I'm not, I'm not sure. I feel like intuition is something that I'm still sort of playing with. Knowing is what is it actually right? Yes. I think for me there's been a lot in the past, there's been confusion over. Is this intuition or this something I'm afraid of? Or is this intuition or is this some other piece that's been in my history that I, that feels like it's me, but it's actually maybe something I was told that I just took in as my own. Um, so there's been a layer of confusion there for me around what is really my intuition. And I think I'm still, that's a piece I'm still getting. Wanting to get more clear on

Heather 28:16

Yeah, you're not alone. I think everybody goes through that. And then there's of course the unicorns who are like, oh, ever since I was young, you know, this is how it's been for me. I've always trusted my intuition, but I think, you know, when you said, I think you, you said the word play. I mean, I use that. All the time with intuition. It's like, it's an ongoing practice to play and explore with your intuition, to see how it shows up for you in different ways and in in different times. It's gonna show up in different ways and then, you know, how do you trust it, right? Like, I think there's a lot of people out there who, like you're talking about, is this my intuition? Is this my inner wisdom? Is this a part of an old pattern? Is this something someone else told me? Is it my ego? Uh, and. You know, for me, I practice and I play consistently, and if my mind is racing or I am like, you know, in that place where your body just feels super tense, it is much harder to really tune in to paying attention to that inner wisdom and intuition. And so I think it's always an ongoing practice to play and explore with.

Desiree 29:28

Yeah.

Heather 29:30

I love that. Yeah. So do you have, so for the people who are local, you have a studio in the Charlottesville area, is that right?

Desiree 29:39

Yeah. Yes. My studio, I have a, just a small, um, I see people just for one-on-one individual sessions in Charlottesville and then the Pantops area. Um, yeah, and I also do a couple, I have a couple of virtual mat classes that I, um, I offer online and I teach a couple of reformer group classes at a studio in Charlottesville as well. But most of my work is just here in the, where I am right now in my little studio overlooking the right on river in the trees, which is really lovely this time of year. So beautiful.

Heather 30:11

Yeah. And so this, this. Season really is about community, knowing that we're not alone and that, you know, on our journeys there are different ways that we can reach out to be supported. And so I would love to know how community has been a part of, or maybe it hasn't been a part of your journey and uh, I think you shared that you do some group classes here in the community. But if there's any other thing that you wanna share about working with people in community. I would love to hear.

Desiree 30:45

Yeah. So I, I agree that the community is so important and I think it can be so hard, um, because everybody gets so busy and wrapped up in their own life. Um, and then also trying to feel into what is like the community that feels like you're in, like, you're like, like-minded, right? So it's like there can be this place of like. I think I have struggled with that a little bit of like really truly finding like, who are my people? Yeah. Um,

Heather 31:14

not alone.

Desiree 31:15

Yeah. And so I think there's like, it's like, there's like a deep desire for that and also sometimes feeling like, yeah, where do exactly do I fit?. So I feel like there's different. Ways community will show up for me. Like there's different, different places that I personally am in. You know, it will, I'm part of that. I'm like, oh, this feels like community.

Heather 31:33

Mm-hmm.

Desiree 31:34

Or this, this is a community maybe around this, you know, this piece of my life. Or there's a community around this other aspect. Um, and I haven't. I have lots of ideas about how I could pull this work into more of a community focused or a group focused offering of some sort. Hasn't quite come to, happen yet, but I feel like there's like the seed of it's been planted. Um, because I really think it's, it is important to have, to have that. And how do we, how do we find it? How do we create it? How do we build this like container, right where it is safe and there's connection and. Um, and how do we, how do we find that amidst the busyness and sort of the, the pulls in so many different directions? Um hmm. Yeah. So it feels like that's a Yeah. Can be a tricky.

Heather 32:31

Yeah.

Desiree 32:32

Tricky thing to find

Heather 32:33

can be tricky. I love that. That's what you shared. I resonate deeply. That resonates deeply for me. Uh, and I think it is a felt sense, right? Like when you can feel, when you're within a community and you just, it feels. Good in your body, right? We're talking about, we're talking about the body before, or like, you know, a body connection or a soul connection of some kind with a healer or a coach that you're working with. Otherwise it's not, you know, community is a place you want to feel comfortable and safe. Uh, and I think a lot of people. Struggle with that, especially in this modern age where everybody's on their phones and always busy and working all the time. And so that was one of the big things that that called to me. And when I tuned into what I wanted to highlight this season, uh, really community came up for me because for myself as well. Um. That continuous search right. In search of the communities, because you can have more than one community, of course. Right, right. Yeah. So the communities where you, you know, feel, um, this really, you know, grounded sense of, I I would say belonging, the word is the word belonging is coming up for me. And so, um, so thank you for sharing that. And we're gonna make sure that we have, um, all of your information in. The show notes so that when you do have something local going on, um, people can come and and check it out. Yeah, that would be amazing. That'd be

Desiree 34:12

wonderful.

Heather 34:12

Yeah. Yeah. So within your work, can you share maybe like if there's a listener out there right now that's just like, oh, this all sounds really amazing and I'm just. So overwhelmed and I'm constantly tense and I, you know, don't have the time or I don't have the money or whatever it is to be able to go and see someone. Is there a practice that you might wanna walk us through or something that you would wanna share that could be a really simple, yet potent starting point?

Desiree 34:47

Yeah. Um, so I think one of the things that just to. Acknowledge, or to put emphasis on is that our bodies are always trying to protect us, right? So the responses that we're having are really come from this place of like what your body's supposed to do, right? And, and sometimes what happens, especially when you have that history of trauma, is that your body is, um, doing it when it doesn't really need to anymore. It's like the tiger isn't actually trac chasing you, but you think the tiger is still chasing you. Just, I think naming that and knowing that it's like your body is trying to protect you, it's trying to keep you safe. It's doing the best it can, and now you know you are an adult, you can offer some care and then let your nervous system know that doesn't need to be on that hypervigilant place all the time. Um. I think also just a reminder that like this is all happening in your autonomic nervous system, so you can't really control it. You're not telling your heart to beat. It's just doing it. I think that's also really important because you can't make yourself be more relaxed. But what we can do is sort of set, um, that the conditions where that can happen a little bit more easy, easily. So basically your nervous system has these activation cycles where there's an activation response and then like a deactivation response. And a lot of times we're going up, we're getting activated, and we're not really settling back down. So a lot of what I'll do with people at first is just to support a little bit of that, that dropping back down. Um, but sometimes, instead of thinking about going from being really stressed to being completely relaxed, think about taking like one step down, one sta you know, one step down the sta. Just trying to notice like just little tiny shifts. So just as simple as like just in your own body noticing when you take a deeper breath naturally or noticing, um, what are things that you do enjoy or things that feel less stressful. Um, like, so, um, we'll call this resourcing in the thematic experiencing lens, but, um. My dog is a huge resource for me. Just like her ears and her little nose and like I can just think about her and I'm like, oh, she's so sweet. And I get a little bit of settling. So things we can do to highlight that settling are really supportive and helping just to give, to give your system a little bit of that sense of, oh yeah, I can come back down a little bit. I can get a little bit more of that sense of. I can let things settle. It is safe to let that happen. Um, so we kind of already actually did one of the practices that I do a lot when we started with the grounding. That's one of the first things I do with people. But another one is something that we call orienting and that's something we can just do together right now and you can sort of see how that feels. So just taking a moment and feeling into where you're sitting. Or you could do this standing as well. I'm just noticing contact though, contact with your feet on the floor, contact with where the hips are in the chair, feeling the sense of support. And since we did the grounding at the beginning, kind of maybe even going back to how you remember that feeling in your body. Just a few, you know, not that long ago. And then just noticing if there's, especially when there's a deeper breath that just happens automatically, that's a sign that there's a little bit more regulation happening. And I always like to comment on those because I think it's important we can miss when there's that settling happening, but it's like, oh yeah, we're just gonna highlight that. And then from here, just noticing what it feels like to have the support underneath you or behind you. That sense of, do you want to lean into that a little more? Is there anything that, and the answer could be no, but yeah. Do you like having support there? Does it feel like you can let the body sink into it a little deeper? I'm just noticing if there's another breath off.

Heather 39:18

Hmm.

Desiree 39:19

And then we're gonna come into an exercise that is called orienting. And so pretty simple, but we're just gonna be looking around the room. So you're just slowly gonna let your head and your eyes move and think about this being, um, just exploring. And you're not trying to look at anything in particular, although if you are in like a room that's messy, that you feel like you need to clean maybe. Maybe then move somewhere less feeling like it's somewhere where it's just sort of a more of a neutral environment. Sometimes at home people are like, ah, I see the mess. I need to clean up. Yeah. And then if you do notice, um, just noticing what your eyes gravitate towards and going for something that is, um, not unpleasant. So ideally something pleasant, but it's not pleasant than maybe more of a neutral, neutral thing. Then when you notice it, so for me, I'm, there's an orchid on my desk that's catching my eye, but it could be anything in your, in your space. Just let your eyes rest on that image, something that's pleasant. And as you let your eyes take that in, notice what happens in your body. If they're softening, does something wanna move? Just letting whatever wants to happen, happen, and then when you feel ready, let your eyes move And. Something else. Same thing, just letting your eyes rest on whatever it is that catches your eye. Again, something on the pleasant spectrum of things. Just seeing what that's what that's like. It could be a different, different feeling in the body. Some deeper breaths over here for me, noticing what is, what's happening in your body. And so practicing this allows a couple things to happen, so it allows you to be with something that's pleasant to look at, which is really healing. The more we can. Let our systems feel that parasympathetic place, highlight the capacity highlight. This resource can feel really small, but it's actually really significant for our, our nervous system. And the other thing that we're doing is we're also letting your head and your neck and your eyes look around. So we're showing your brain. There is no immediate danger, right? If you're doing this at home or you're in a relative, there's relative safety. Mm-hmm. And again, it seems pretty simple, like you may know that, but letting your body have this physical experience of looking and seeing, oh yeah, I'm actually in the present. There's actually nothing right now that I need to feel that hypervigilant about. And that is also, it just gives your body this very real, like in the present, like move and see and look like, oh yeah, the tiger is not here right now. And that is again, like simple, but actually very impactful. So

Heather 42:50

super potent, especially right for like. Scrolling. Sorry. I was like

Desiree 42:55

the other phone. Right. Scrolling, you know,

Heather 42:56

scrolling on your phone and you're like, you know, yes, there's no immediate danger around you, but there's plenty of fear and, and uncertainty and, and you know, news and social media and whatever that can, you know, have you like this? So I love that. Totally practice. I've done it before. And thank you for bringing it up. 'cause I haven't done it in a long time. And it's just the idea too, right? Of like slowing down. Yeah.

Desiree 43:22

Yeah, our nervous systems risk are much slower. I mean, that parasympathetic is much slower, right? The, it's slower than what our lifestyle and what our world is giving us. So we do have to be intentional about that and give it that experience. Um. So yeah, the, that grounding feeling into your feet and then the looking around or if, if we can do those multiple times a day, that's fantastic. It doesn't have to be do it for 10 minutes, it can be just 15 seconds, right. Of like, oh yeah, I feel my feet fill my breath. Okay. I can see, oh wow, that looks pretty. I'm gonna let my eyes rest there. It doesn't have to be complicated. Um, and I can really, again, like write, anchor us back in the present. Especially if you're on screens at computers. It's also really good to bring your vision out of that really tight, narrow, which is more of a fight or flight to more of a wider expansive. It can really shift things as well. Yeah, you so you have just that action, but also the content. Right. So there's sort of two ways that that is hard for us in our systems.

Heather 44:32

Yeah. I love that. You can do it in 15 seconds, right? Like, I feel like a lot of people, um, rightfully so, you know, sometimes we create our own busy on top of already being busy, and it's hard to get out of that. Like, okay, what's next? What's next? What do I have to do next? You know, oh, I can't do a 20 minute meditation. I can't do, of course, uh, hour long. You know, like it's a well and good that these influencers can, you know, sit for hours and do their thing, but that's not reality. And so I love that you brought in simple and potent. My favorite ingredients that this is, right. I think

Desiree 45:06

it's so important because I think that we're like, ideally we're trying to make this become like, I think I said this before too, but like this is just how we live, right? It's not like we're trying to do something different. We're just trying to bring different language and different awareness around a process that we are all experiencing. Everybody who's a mammal has this, this response, and so, um. It's more of like learning how to track it in real time. So then you can sort of know, wow, I'm having a day and I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Okay. I know that like these couple practices will help me. And if we're doing this sort of check in on a more ongoing way, we have the information in a way that we can then use and adjust. Um, 'cause I completely agree, it is really hard to think about in a full life. Like, okay, well I've gotta meditate for 20 minutes and I've gotta do these exercise. It just feel, it feels like too much sometimes.

Heather 45:58

Mm-hmm.

Desiree 46:00

And yeah, so keeping it a little short and sweet. Bits, I think is fantastic.

Heather 46:04

Yeah. So that it

Desiree 46:05

becomes more of this integrated part of like just who you are versus this thing you have to do. Yes. Or this practice you have to do.

Heather 46:12

Yes. I love that. I love finding the practices that you, I say you just can weave them into your daily life. Mm-hmm. To your daily existence. You know, it's like one that's coming up for me intuitively, so I'm gonna share it as like, I talk a lot about releasing and just kind of intentionally allowing yourself to let go. Through breath, you know, maybe you know what you're letting go of, maybe you don't. But like when I wash my hands, you know, with the element of water and the purification and the cleansing, just that intention. Right. You said when you're intention. Yeah. It's like being intentional when you're washing your hands and just breathing. Like, I'm unwinding, I'm unbinding, I'm letting go of, of whatever I picked up today that I don't need, kind of thing. I love that. You know? So it's just like weaving those little things in and um. One more thing. When you, when we were doing the, um, is, what is it called? Orient? Orienting. Orienting, yeah. Right. Okay. Mm-hmm. I was thinking of, I used to do it out in my garden and like with all the nature and the natural world, and it's like, I feel like sometimes just stepping outside. My body's like,

Desiree 47:17

yeah. And so I have a lot of clients that will go on their porch or they'll look outside. I would say for most people, nature is regulating so. Because of how we evolved with nature, we really are more tuned into that resonance than we are to the computers and the, the busy. Yeah. So yeah, like trees, walks in, nature, you know, any of that. It can, that can be really supportive, um, as well. So, I mean, that, that totally makes sense.

Heather 47:44

Yeah.

Desiree 47:44

Yeah. If that's your experience. Yeah.

Heather 47:47

So beautiful. So we're on, we're coming up on time, and it has been so lovely to be here with you. I, I would invite you if you're willing to close your eyes and tap into your heart space and, and share anything that might be on your heart with the listeners.

Desiree 48:13

Okay. I'm really grateful for you, um, having me and inviting me to do this. It's been really fun to connect and, um, you know, I feel like we're all in this experience of being human and doing life as best we can. Um, and it's really hard sometimes. Um, and my, you know, my wish for every, all of us is to have a better understanding of ourselves. And our nervous system and how we can show up for ourselves and for our families and communities. And I think there's,, there's so much that we can support each other with. I just feel like, I really want people that have had really hard times in life to not feel like they're stuck there or had a history of trauma, not to be stuck there. And I find, I feel that like as we, I share this and I connect with people and then they share it, it really is transformational on a bigger level than just individually. And I think really that's what I hope is that we can. Connect individually and in these bigger communities to really shift things, and I think it does start at a nervous system level experience.

Heather 49:22

Yes. Well, you, I, you always hear, and I, I know I say it right, healing starts within Yeah. With your nervous. It does. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Amazing. Thank you so much. We will have, thank you. Yeah, of course. We'll have all of your information in the show notes and, uh, I'm looking forward to connecting with you beyond. The podcast. It's so fun that we're, we're in the same area. And, uh, just thank you. Thanks for being

Desiree 49:51

Yeah. Appreciate you. You're so welcome. Thank you. Yeah, it's, you mentioned community before and it's great. I feel like this just you reaching out and having this great conversation. I mean, that's community, right? And so it's really nice to connect and Yeah. Yeah. I love that you're offering this podcast and it's wonderful, so thank you.

Heather 50:08

Amazing. Thank you and lovely listeners. It's been so great to be here with you. I know you have so much going on in your world, so thank you for spending this little pocket of time with Desiree and myself, and until next time, wrapping you in so much healing, love.

Speaker 50:24

It was so wonderful to be here with you today. I know you're busy and that your time is precious, so thank you. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. If today's conversation resonated, it would really mean the world. If you'd take just a moment to rate and subscribe wherever you love to listen to podcasts, and if you feel called leaving a review or sharing this episode with someone who might need, it really helps the work. Reach the hearts it's meant for. You'll find all the links to connect to today's guest in the show notes below. Until next time, may you remember to quiet the chaos tune inward and hear her. She speaks your deepest truth.