Death Is Not Something That Happens To Other People with SANDI MORAN BRAFFORD

Death has a brutal way of time-traveling us back to the losses we swear we’ve already “made peace with.” I’m joined by my friend of more than 60 years, Sandi Moran Brafford, a writer who has been blogging for decades about the stories we carry and the ones that break us open.

Sandi reads a short, devastatingly honest blog post she calls “Sad Stories,” written after the loss of a dear friend and after hearing about a 19-year-old killed in a tragic car accident. Those fresh deaths reopen her own life-altering grief, including the death of her son, who died in his sleep at 30, and the memories that come rushing back with every funeral. Together we name the disorientation of grief, the way our culture tries to push death aside, and why walking into a church or funeral home can instantly plug us back into our own heartbreak.

We also talk about what actually helps when grief gets loud: permission to cry, to talk, to tell stories, to say their names, and to stop performing courage so others won’t feel awkward. Sandi shares the real, tactile ways mourners cope, like holding onto a blanket or a shirt, and why those physical anchors can matter. 

If you’re looking for grief support, bereavement resources, and honest conversation about child loss, sudden death, and healing that isn’t linear, this one will meet you where you are. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more grieving people can find this circle of support.

Sandi's blog can be found at:  https://sandimoranbrafford.blogspot.com/

ATTEND MY SUMMER WORKSHOP ON "SOULFUL LISTENING" THROUGH THE MARKEY CENTER AT SANTA CLARA UNIVERSITY VIA ZOOM.

https://events.scu.edu/markey-center/event/359741-soulful-listening-workshops-on-the-ministry-of

Art:  https://www.etsy.com/shop/vasonaArts?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
and  https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/candee-lucas

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0F2SFH4Z6

Music and sound effects today by:   via Pixabay

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Podcast Exists

Candee 0:34

Welcome to Solace: Soul Plus Grief. I'm glad you're here. My name is Candee Lucas. I'm a Jesuit trained chaplain and spiritual director. We started these podcasts nearly five years ago to create a library of available resources to help those who are grieving. Both those who are in new grief and those who are well along the path of grieving. And incorporating into their lives their loved ones who have loved this earth. You're always welcome in this circle of healing, love, and support.

Meeting Sandi And Her Blog

Candee 1:16

My ongoing mission to rope in all my friends and family to this podcast because everybody has such a unique story. I have brought you today my friend, my friend of more than 60 years, but we won't get into that. We've known each other since we were 12 and went through a lot of formative years together. So, and then when I came to California, Sandi stayed in Des Moines and we did parallel kind of lives. We raised our children. Yet we would get together sometimes when I'd go back to Des Moines if everybody wasn't too busy. Anyway, her name is Sandi Moran Brafford. And she has a very unique story, as everybody has a very unique story. But she's agreed to share it with us here. It will probably run over a couple days because she has a very lot to say. She has been doing a blog since 2006. Yeah, I think 2006. 2006.

Sandi 2:27

Yeah, I think 2006. 2006.Intermittently. Until recently.

Candee 2:30

Until recently. So going to talk a little bit about the blog. I will leave connection to it in the show notes so you can join in when you she posts once a week. Once a week. Once a week that we're all sharing. So I encourage you to check it out from time to time. So welcome, Sandi. Why don't you tell us a bit about Victorian Gypsy?

Victorian Gypsy And A Second Story

Candee 2:52 Sandi 2:58

Well, thank you. Okay, well, Victorian Gypsy is what I named my original blog. And I came up with that name because at the time I worked at a living history museum and spent most of my time in 1875. Five days a week, sometimes six. So that was the Victorian part. And Gypsy, I have just always collected gypsy things. I'm not quite sure what started it. I think a book I read as a child, I think, got me into this gypsy collection. And there were books, I have several books, like 30 or just little items, games, pictures, just a little bit of everything. When I saw something that was gypsy, even though I know it's not politically correct anymore, it's still it was when I started. But that's how I came up with Victorian Gypsy. I needed something that you know somebody else hadn't already taken at the time that worked. I did change the title of my blog, though. It's not now called Victorian Gypsy, it's just my name, Sandi Moran Brafford. I had to move my blog one day when Facebook wouldn't let me do anything, so I just started over. But I have both of the blogs still up. The one I post on is Sandi Moran Brafford@blogspot.com. I call that one the second story. And that's because I am now living my second story.

Speaker 4:30 Candee 4:32

So let's start wherever you want to start. We're gonna talk about your loss, your losses. We're gonna talk specifically about some religious aspects to that. But why don't you start the story wherever you want to start the story?

Sandi 4:50

Well, you contacted me after you read one of my recent blogs. Should I just read that? I mean, it's pretty short, really. Yes, yeah. But just read the whole read the whole thing. Okay, this was a week or two ago, and I called it sad stories. I've always liked to write. Writing my thoughts is the way I comprehend how I feel. I don't write every day, although I would like to. I have the idea that sitting at my desk and writing for two hours every morning would turn me into a real writer. And fortunately for me, all I really want to do in the early mornings is drink coffee. Someone just told me that she likes reading my work because she finds it comfortable and comforting. I like those definitions. I want it to be relatable and funny and a little bit whimsical. And sometimes it is heartfelt and heartrending. This is one of those times. I lost a dear friend a few weeks ago. She was a few years older than I am. She was a mentor as well as a friend. I'm sorry that I didn't get to know her sooner. I will always miss her. This week, the granddaughter of one of my friends since childhood died in a tragic auto accident. The circumstances were much like the jury case that troubled me so much just a couple of weeks ago. What price can you put on a life? She was only 19. Hers was a life that was barely lived and ended before it should have been finished. Every day, every death, every funeral reminds us of all the others we have been to, a part of our grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, friends, and colleagues. We know in our hearts that we will lose them at some point in time, but we never think that we will outlive our children, and that should not happen. As I talked to my friend today, she said that a tragedy like this was what happened to other people, but not to her family. I remember when those were my thoughts too, before my son died in his sleep at the age of 30. Yes, every death is a reminder. My mind flashes back to the night I sat at my first husband's bed and cried all night long because I knew he was going to be taken off life support the next morning. So young, 19, so young, 30, so young, 62. I ache for my young friend. I send her family strength and prayers because strength is what we need to get us through these times. It is almost required to send prayers. I envy those who still have it, but for me it's gone. I've learned some truths since I realized that death is not what happens to other people. Don't worry about giving courage and being brave so that others won't be uncomfortable. Cry as much as necessary. Talk. Remember the good times. Tell your stories. Let someone listen. Say their names. Hold on to one another. Scream in a car in a dark parking lot if it helps you feel better. Drink tea. Do whatever you need to do. Jim washed and ironed all of our son's shirts because he said that Rich wouldn't want to know they were wrinkled. I slept with my grown son's baby blanket for six months until my husband hid it away, and then he was dead two months later. So I slept with his shirt and the blanket. My deepest griefs have been several years ago, but they never go away. Funerals always bring them back, just like everything happened yesterday. I've learned to be happy again, but it's never an easy journey. This may not have been comfortable and certainly not whimsical, but it was a story I needed to share. Be safe, everyone. I send us all strength. And that was my blog.

Why Death Reactivates Old Grief

Candee 9:40

You expressed it so, so well. You expressed the the kind of the disorientation of it, of grief. And it's that's such a big part for a lot of people, is the disorientation. And then the the clinging to the physical of this this idea of you sleeping with the blanket. It breaks my heart every time I hear you say it. But it makes so much sense to me, too. And his shirt, yes. So what is it? I think it was the death of uh our friend's granddaughter that kind of brought this. And as you said, every death, every funeral kind of brings it all back. What do you think it is about uh uh this universal idea of death that that kind of plugs us back into our own losses?

Sandi 10:31

Well, I think the fact that most of the time we try not to think about it in our culture, we push it away, and then um when somebody else close to us or somebody we know dies, it brings it back, and we can't control it because we're not expecting it to come back. Um, and it's just I think for people, they walk into the funeral home or the church, and I think probably every one of them, their mind goes right back to who they lost, and it just happens that way. But most of the time, I think a lot of people just push it aside.

Closing And What Comes Next

Candee 11:14

Which is really sad, which is one of the things we're trying to do here is to get people to talk about it more. That concludes another episode. A new one drops every Friday. Stay tuned for Sandy's continuing story over the next few weeks. She has a lot to offer. There is a link to her blog in the show notes. Remember, travel with God in your life. Be gentle to yourselves and others this week. Vaya con Dios,