Grief Changes Shape: Sandi's Story Continued

Grief can be hard enough when it comes once, but what happens when it hits again before you can even catch your breath? We pick back up with SandI Moran Brafford, whose year of loss includes the death of her son and, just months later, the sudden death of her husband Jim after a stage four cancer diagnosis and a surgery that was supposed to “help.” The speed of it all leaves no room to plan, no room to process, and a lingering sense of shock that many people recognize but rarely say out loud.

We talk about what support actually feels like on the ground, including the difference between a large widow/widower gathering and a more personal grief support program where people can open up over time. Sandi shares why telling your story matters, why some spaces feel scripted, and why honesty, especially around children, can cut through denial. We also touch the quiet regrets that can surface later, like wishing you had gotten more help for a family member who carried a traumatic piece of the loss.

From grief food and autopilot workdays to getting lost in books just to stop thinking for a moment, we explore real coping strategies without shame. We also name a frustration many mourners share: workplaces that offer a few days of bereavement leave, then expect you to return “back to normal.” If you’re searching for grief support, bereavement resources, spiritual care, or simply a reminder that it’s never too late to reach out, this conversation offers companionship and clear-eyed hope. 

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Transcript

Welcome To Solace And The Library

Candee 0:34

Welcome to Solace, Soul + Grief. I'm glad you're here. My name is Candee Lucas. I'm a Jesuit trained spiritual director and chaplain. We started this ministries several years ago, hoping to create a library for those who are grieving wherever they may be in their grief journey. We hope you have time to peruse a library and find what episodes might be helpful to you wherever you are along this road. Remember, you're always welcome in this circle of healing, love, and support.

Finding Support After Back To Back Loss

Candee 1:17

Today we resume the story of the losses of Sandi Moran Brafford. Her story is quite remarkable because of the number and severity of losses she suffered in a very short year. So let's pick up Sandi's story.

Sandi 1:48

So when I went and you're introducing yourselves, and I said, Well, I found out about it when my son died, but now my husband died. And it's you know, it's almost I can't say comical, but it's just like, you know, really. So they said, Well, we think you need to go to the program before you become a volunteer. So let's give you some time. And so I did. I went through their their whole program and then I started the training later.

Candee 2:17

And so did you find it helpful, the program?

Sandi 2:21

Oh, yes, yes. And I found it good that I felt I was helping other people with my experiences and the training we'd had, and that some people didn't really open up at first. But you know, after several weeks, and they always had for the younger kids like a little art project or something, but I think that was good, something like that. I also tried a grief counseling session that was for something life after loss of a spouse, I think, which I didn't find that as helpful because I went once and there were about 50 people there, and 45 of them were women. And they um their speaker didn't show up that night, so they had everybody just go around, introduce themselves, and tell a little bit about their story. Telling your story is always a big thing, I think. And it was just like every single woman in that room would say, --My husband put me on a pedestal.-- It was just it, it was like 'I was the queen in our house.' And I was just like, that's not true. Nobody's really put on, you know, so I didn't hard to imagine that many pedestals. I know, and then and there was one who had lost two husbands, and both of her husbands put her on a pedestal. And it was just it kind of, I don't know if they they didn't know what to say, so that kind of caught on, but but everyone, it was like I had the best marriage in the world and the best man. And I had a really good marriage, but I wouldn't say, you know, he worshipped me.

Candee 4:08

So I'd be more one of those more down-to-earth.

Sandi 4:11

Yeah, yeah. So I um I like the Amanda the Panda group much better because they are there were children who are always truthful, you know.

Family Grief And Regrets About Help

Candee 4:21

So did any of your family members go with you to any of these sessions?

Sandi 4:26

One of my daughters went through the several week session of the the grief, the Amanda the Panda, and then helped me a little bit sometimes when I volunteered. But I only had one that really wanted to do something like that. Another one, my daughter Bridget, I really feel I should have gotten her into some kind of a a program or counseling or something. She was the one who found her brother and was dealing with that and being alone. And I just at the time it didn't occur to me, but I think any any help you can get isn't going to her.

Candee 5:11

That's true. And some people they don't go right away, and so then they feel, oh, you know, the train has moved on, but it's never too late.

Sandi 5:21

Never never see for me, this was 15 years ago. Yeah. And, you know, like I said, what the minute I walk in that funeral home, it's back.

Candee 5:29

Yeah. So then what happened with Jim?

Candee 5:30 Sandi 5:35

Oh, with Jim, my husband. Well, he went in for had been having a little stomach trouble and thought it was something not serious, went to the doctor and found out he had stage four cancer. They did x-rays and found it in his liver, so they knew it had to be somewhere else, too. So we went in the next day for more testing, and he found out that it was colon cancer. They said, Well, let's trying to get this all in order here. They said, Well, let's do some surgery and we'll take out a section of your colon and then we'll go from there. And this surgery will really help. This will be good. And so I said, So will that cure it? Oh no, he's he's still terminal, they said. I thought, you know, some of those doctors really need to. They said, no, he's still terminal, but the surgery will help. And uh, they said he could have two years or something. Anyway, we went in for the surgery, did really good for about three days, and then he died in the hospital. So this was less than two weeks after we'd found out he was sick.

Candee 6:49

Oh my god.

Sandi 6:50

And he, you know No time to process, no time to process. No time, yeah. We just barely told our children he was gonna have this surgery, and then he was gonna be fine. Well, not fine, but you know, we um we hadn't processed any of it, you know. We hadn't talked about anything yet, except just telling our kids we hadn't told anybody else, or because we thought, well, we've got two years. Plenty of time to tell. Plenty of time, plenty of time. So that was you know, that hit me. I would say most of those between Rich and Jim, I was just kind of in a state of being stunned all the time.

Candee 7:31

I was um and how much time between? It was only five months.

Sandi 7:35

Um, I think it was eight months from it was uh Jim died in June the next June, Rich died in September, and Jim died the next June. It seemed, you know, just I mean, I was still deeply grieving for Rich. I was still doing the come home, go to bed. The after after Jim. I was still working full-time, so it was the you know, I just didn't didn't do much. I was uh going It's funny, with I've always been a reader. I love to read. And after which, I could not read a book, a novel, or a anything. I my mind could not focus. I just couldn't read hardly anything. And then when Jim died, I started reading voraciously. I would just, I would go through novels and didn't do romance books. In fact, I was very big on cozy mysteries or things with a series. And so I'd finish one book, start the next one, start the next one, start the next one. So I'd come home from work, start reading. I would, I would eat dinner, which could be animal cookies and tea, or popcorn, or sometimes something from the quick trip. When I got from the point that I'm eating a quick trip burrito over the sink, I thought, okay, this has got to get better.

Sandi 8:06 Speaker 3 8:06 Speaker 3 8:06 Candee 9:04

Sounds like a lot of grief food to me.

Sandi 9:06

Yeah, it was. You know, it was just um, and that's just how I functioned. And then I read till I went to bed and then got up and went to work. And that went on for months. It was during that time that a lot of my friends were saying, When are you going to get back to your old self? Oh. Which, you know, I think that's so common, and nobody, you know, nobody knows how it is till it happens to you. I mean, you can think, you know, and that's what I have noticed with this this very sad death of the 19-year-old lately, is the family is all they hadn't had, you know, they lost their parents, you know, at an old, you know, elderly parents, but they had no idea of what it's like. And and we all, of course, we process it differently. I can't say there's things that we a guidebook. Well, there are, there are a lot of books, and I read most of them, I think. But people process it differently, but there are certain things you see, like the grief food, or probably I'm probably not the only one who was eating burritos over the sink, you know.

Candee 10:28

I can assure you you were not.

Sandi 10:30

So, but you know, there's that kind of thing that happens to everybody, and then there's the you know, for me, like reading. Maybe not everybody does that. Like I said, it was so different from the one, the first experience to the second, where the second time with Jim, I would just totally lose myself in books, you know, so I didn't have to think at all. That was it. I'd and you know, I remember going to work and all that we did on the computers, checking people in and processing things. And all day long in the back of my head, I'm going, Don't think, don't think, don't think, don't think. And that's how I got through work days. I was not the best employee, I'm sure. But showing up sounds pretty good, though. Yeah, and that was hard. But you know, you don't there are things you just don't have a choice for, you know. You know. And so, and then, you know, when I got old and I did go down to part-time after a while, after I got into social security and you know, got a little older.

The Workplace Pressure To “Be Fine”

Candee 11:37

But it's interesting though, how most workplaces, you know, they they might give you three days to three days to grieve, and then expect you to be back at your desk bright and shiny, and like you say, over it, back to your own self.

Sandi 11:53

Well, I remember when my dad passed away, um, he was in his mid-60s, and I was at that time I was working in a hospital, the same, same type of job. And I called in and said, My dad died. I need some time off. And my supervisor wasn't there, so I talked to her husband to say I wouldn't be in to work the next day. And he said, Well, how long do you need? And I said, Three days. And he said, Well, is he out of town? And I said, I said, Do you have to go out of town? It's like, well, no, but my dad just died.

Candee 12:34

You know, it was just like, Why do you need three days instead of really even even to ask the question, yeah, how long do you need? Yeah, it's like shows how aware they are.

Speaker 2 12:45

Yeah, or how long will you be gone? I don't even think it was what do you need. Yes.

Candee 12:50

So, but it's well, that's that is a universal experience too. People are who are working, they find the workplace. Yes, it takes your mind off. Yeah, so it's good on that, and it's good to go back to routine. It's very good to have to get up and brush your teeth and you know, do those. That part's good. But it certainly doesn't allow you a lot of space to grieve like you need to grieve, to take the time you need to take. And I think as we get older, speaking for myself and not for you, but as people get older, one thing, you have more time to think about these things. Yeah, you've experienced more losses. You've seen that loss is a part of life, and you've kind of observed the way other people handle it. That's why I thought you it was interesting talking about our friend who just lost her granddaughter, is like just, you know, this is not this is not real, this is not happening to me. And people have that reaction no matter what kind of death or no matter who it is. But yes, for a young person, it's it's it's especially shocking. That concludes another episode. A new one drops every Friday morning. You can find us on Apple Music, Amazon, and Spotify. If you have questions about grief support in your community, please contact me. The contact information is in the show notes. Be gentle to yourselves this week and to others. Travel with God always by your side. Vaya con Dios.

Candee 14:00 Candee 14:05