Broken Faith? Sandi's Story Concludes

Grief can change what you believe and how you talk to God, even if you never stop believing God exists. Candee sits down with Sandi Moran Brafford for a candid, tender conversation about faith after devastating loss: Sandi’s son died, and only a few months later her husband died too. What follows isn’t a clean spiritual comeback story. It’s the honest middle many people live in, where prayer feels different, trust feels risky, and your old religious instincts don’t fit the life you have now. 

Sandishares her path into Catholicism, from growing up with little formal religion to building a Catholic household, raising children in Catholic schools, and serving as a Eucharistic minister. We also talk about how disillusionment can start long before a death, including the shock of learning that a priest she trusted had harmed others. That kind of spiritual betrayal matters, because it changes the ground you stand on when grief hits. 

From there, we go straight to the hard questions: what happens when you make a bargain with God and it feels like God doesn’t keep His end? Sandi describes how her prayer life “contracts” rather than disappears, showing up in small rituals like saying a Hail Mary when she hears a siren and praying while making a bed with hospital corners. We explore why the saints can feel more accessible than God, why “I’ll pray for you” can sound hollow, and how forgiveness and attachment to God can remain even when the relationship feels clouded. 

If you’re searching for bereavement support, grief and faith resources, or a compassionate Catholic perspective on doubt, this conversation will meet you where you are. Subscribe for new Friday drops, share this with someone who’s hurting, and leave a review so more grieving listeners can find us.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why This Story Matters

Candee 0:31

Welcome to Solace: Soul + Grief. I'm glad you're here. This ministry is dedicated to those who are walking the path of grief, whether that be a new path or a well-worn one. My name is Candee Lucas. I'm a Jesuit trained spiritual director and chaplain. We hope these episodes serve to help you along that journey. Today we have the conclusion of my friend Sandi Moran Brafford's story, in which she discusses how her relationship with God changed after she suffered the unimaginable losses of her son, followed a few months later by her husband. I want to thank Sandi for sharing her story. And I hope you find it as meaningful and as useful as I do. Here's Sandi.

From No Religion To Catholic Life

Candee 1:43

Can we go to the God part?

Sandi 1:45

Okay, I don't know how much I have to contribute.

Candee 1:48

Okay, you were not raised Catholic, right?

Sandi 1:51

No. I was raised, in fact, I think we had a lot in common there, maybe, that I was always whatever religion the neighbors were. I was not, yeah. I was not uh raised in a religious home. I think my parents believed in God, but that was it. That's pretty much it. But so I was always whatever the neighbors were. And then as I got a little older, I started questioning things and wondering. I've started out being a Methodist. And then when I was in high school, I started looking at the Catholic religion, and my mother was just appalled because she was raised in a very strict Protestant religion. And she said, Well, no. And so I became an Episcopalian, which pretty darn close. Close. Yeah, a little bit, but a lot of the um tradition. Yes. And then when I um started dating my husband, he was very Irish Catholic. And I started taking instruction when you know we knew we were serious, even though we were babies.

Candee 3:04

I was gonna say, I can't remember. We were we were such weird children in high school for us all. I mean, there's a group of weird children, yeah. And I don't remember having anything, a serious thought about religion in high school at all. So hats off to you that you weren't even thinking about.

Sandi 3:24

Oh, I did. I went through this very religious type thing. Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend, so I had a lot of time. Uh but um, in fact, I have been baptized three times. So it's nice. Yeah. So I was baptized.

Candee 3:41

You're you're surely done.

Sandi 3:42

I became a Methodist at 10. Yeah, then I was an Episcopalian in my senior year, and then before we got married, and when I before I joined the church, I was baptized again. So I think I've got the Christian religion.

Candee 3:57

I think you got it covered. I think you got it covered. So then you raised your kids Catholic, you had a Catholic household.

Sandi 4:05

They went to Catholic grade school for most of them, and then two of them went to um our local Catholic high school here, and then the other three didn't want to go, and we moved, we were farther away, and they wanted to go where their friends went, so we didn't we didn't keep up with with that. But I've got now grandchildren that have gone through the Catholic school thing too, so and then some who don't do anything at all, you know.

Devotion And A Church Betrayal

Candee 4:35

It has a way of pulling you back sometimes. So before all this happened with Rich and Jim, how would you describe your faith?

Sandi 4:46

I was a Eucharistic minister, so every Sunday I helped give out communion. I uh was always involved in the the mother's program and the home and school programs, and so I was a social Catholic. I mean, I did a lot of things, and up until I started working and my hours interfered with different Mass times, I've never missed Mass. So it was it was a big, you know, a big part of our lives.

Candee 5:13

And what would you say your relationship with God was?

Sandi 5:16

I thought, let's see, I really loved all the saints and the the extras that you get being a Catholic I love that too. Yeah, maybe that I don't know if that's the the convert thing. B ut it is a little. Yeah. I love that. And I felt that you know, I always prayed, and you know, we always said grazing the kids, I always said grace at mealtimes and bedtime prayers and things. I you know, I don't think I was overboard, but I think we had a pretty strong family unit, yeah. I know your personal relationship. I didn't really think about it, it just was, you know, it was there, and then we had well, you know, like some of the bad Catholic publicity. Oh, yes. I had a priest who I was very, very fond of, and who, in fact, I took instruction from, and so I always felt very special with him. Later found out that he had had relationships with boys in his parishes and had been sent from parish to parish to parish through the years. For you know, this is when all that was coming out. Yes, and that was probably the first thing that was the the chink in my Catholic armor where I just really had trouble with that because I felt like I knew him quite well.

Candee 6:51

So it's almost like a personal betrayal.

Sandi 6:53

Yeah. So that was probably the first time I really started questioning him. Yeah, you know, and there were those other things over the years, like I didn't agree with everything the Pope said, which some people, like most people, have questions. So I would say it was wavering a little bit, just like that, but I was still. Okay.

The Bargain With God After Loss

Candee 7:17

And when did you start noticing a change?

Sandi 7:21

In my own personal? I had told you right before Rich died, I'd had a really bad year with just things that kept happening and happening. And I always said, This is okay, I can get through this, I can do this, as long as nothing happens to my family. You made a bargain with me. I made a bargain with God. And I felt like God didn't keep his end, that I had kept mine, but he, you know, he just didn't, yeah. So I think that was, you know, that was it. And this, so this was when when I had, I mean, I had lost lots of people through the years, you know, but not anything like this. And I just felt like, well, no, I did what I was supposed to do, and you didn't do what you were supposed to do. So how can I count on you? I know, I know in my head that you shouldn't make bargains with God. But we all do a little bit. Yeah, everybody does a little bit. I guess I never I think I said in my blog post how I sort of lost my faith. And I don't think I've lost my faith exactly, but I've lost the belief that when I pray it's gonna have a good effect.

Candee 8:42

So do you still have a prayer life, or do you have you just kind of let that go as well?

Sandi 8:47

I say a hail mary every time I hear a siren. Is that a prayer life? It is, it is. I have oh, when when we first got married, we had a really good friend who went into the army, Jerry Manning went into the army and he was he was Jim's, you know, pretty much best friend. And he was home on leave or something when we were moving and setting up our furniture in our new house. And he taught me how to make a bed the army way with the hospital corners and everything. And so, ever since then, you know, while he was in the service and whatever, every time I changed the sheets and do the corners, I say a prayer for Jerry and that he came home from Nom, everything was fine, got in an accident, and died a few months later. And so he's always I was always kind of like he was our guardian angel, you know, up there.

Candee 9:43

Oh, I'm so glad you had that relationship with him. Yeah, I am so glad. He was such a wonderful person.

Sandi 9:49

Yeah, he was, and he and Jim were really close. You know, I still do that today. Every single time I change the sheets, I say a prayer for Jerry.

Candee 9:57

There you go.

Speaker 3 9:58

A prayer life still lives, it's a little contracted. And I have trouble with the people who always say, I'll pray for you, or well, I'll say a prayer for you. And I only do that when I really mean it. You know, if I really something that I really but I I do pray still a little bit. And I've gotten as, you know, like I said, it's been 15, 16 years now, and I I've gotten past the point of not

A Smaller Prayer Life That Persists

Speaker 3 10:32

being able to forgive God for taking my family. You know, that's where I was for a long time.

Candee 10:39

That makes that makes so much sense though, Sandi. It really does. It's just like I show up, I do everything good, and I do everything right and try to be a good person and let this happens to me.

Sandi 10:51

Yeah, you know. I think it's gotten better, and I still I still believe in a supreme being. I never decided there was no God, but I don't know if it's what God it is, or you know, and like I said, I love the saints.

Candee 11:08

Love those saints, they're a lot more accessible sometimes than God is, that's for sure.

Sandi 11:14

So I I wouldn't say, you know, because I've thought about this a lot now since you contacted me about okay, what is my faith? And do I still have faith? And I'm, you know, some some years I only go to church on Easter and Christmas, other years more often. And and having kids in parochial schools, I've gone to lots of school functions and things. So I can't say I just ever abandoned it completely, but I'm very I'm more careful in who I pray for, which you probably shouldn't be. I mean, you should pray for everybody or what I pray for, you know, because I have a lot of friends who are, you know, always praying for something, and it can be something like a new teapot, or which has happened.

Candee 12:05

And did that teapot come about?

Sandi 12:08

Yes, wasn't wasn't me. I wasn't praying with a teapot.

Candee 12:12

Yeah, no, I knew it wasn't you. I knew it wasn't you.

Sandi 12:15

But you know, things like that, and I don't know if prayers like when somebody is sick and everybody's praying. I'm I'm not sure if I think that works or not. So I don't know if I have that kind of faith where I can say, send my prayers up, or lift somebody up, or whatever I hear people say now that you know, lift them up in prayer. I don't understand that.

Candee 12:40

Plus, I think that's kind of an evangelical Christian thing than Catholic. I mean So I don't know because I looked it up because Yeah, a lot of Catholics say just like you said, I'll pray for you. And it's just like present height and me, you know, it means very little.

Sandi 12:56

Yeah, so I try to use that, you know, especially Facebook. People are always asking for prayers for one thing or another. And so I don't know. I feel if it passes the test, I will use the prayer.

Candee 13:11

You're a very discerning prayer person.

Sandi 13:14

I am, and that that, and I know that shouldn't be right.

Candee 13:18

But no, there isn't any right on crazy. There isn't any right. I think God has I can hear when you're talking that you're still attached to God. Maybe attached is not the right word. There's there's still a string there.

Sandi 13:33

Yeah, yeah. Like you say, there's still a belief there, if you want to call it belief. Maybe the relationship has gotten a little clouded.

Candee 13:47

Clouded is a good word. I really thank you for sharing this experience because it A, I know it's so intimate and personal to you, and I really commend you for sharing it. Really. Sometimes it's hard. You said it's easier to talk about it now. I'm glad it is easier to talk about it now.

Gratitude, What’s Next, And Goodbye

Candee 14:23

That concludes another episode. In the future, Sandi and I break down what happens after grave, after time passes, and life moves on. Look forward to that one soon. I'm Candee Lucas. A new episode drops every Friday. You can contact us through the show notes. Be gentle to yourselves this week and to others. Travel always with God at your side. Vaya con Dios.