In my first solo episode of The Radical Intimacy Podcast, I read the first Chapter of my upcoming book, Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve. In this first chapter, "More Than Sex," I share my perspective of intimacy by drawing two important distinctions: 1. That intimacy is much more complex and dimensional than just sex. Of course, sex is one part of intimacy, but there's more. 2. That our limited understanding of intimacy has the achievement of it dependent on someone or something outside of ourselves. In actuality, the nature of intimacy is vast and readily accessible to each and every one of us individually. I also talk about my own sexless ten year marriage in my 20s, and how that set me on a lifelong exploration and understanding of all kinds of intimacy on all levels. If you like what you hear in this episode, there are thirteen more chapters and a collection of exercises and practices which will help you create the deeply connected life you desire and deserve.
BUY THE BOOK HERE
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Welcome to another episode of the Radical Intimacy podcast! Today we are joined by licensed psychotherapist, sexuality counselor, and best-selling author, Dr. Ian Kerner to talk about sex scripts. We find out what a sex script is, exactly, and how the structure of it makes room for spontaneity in the bedroom. Dr. Kerner shares his approach to encouraging couples to rewrite their sex scripts in therapy, and what his clients typically find challenging. We discuss the power of psychological arousal, open communication, and shared fantasy, as well as the important distinction between consensual and non-consensual objectification. Furthermore, Dr. Kerner shares his insight into the damaging repercussions of pornography, and the principal differences between mainstream and ethical porn. Tune in to find out how to rewrite your sex script!
Key Points From This Episode:
• What inspired Dr. Ian Kerner to write So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex and what the title signifies, in terms of his sex therapy approach.
• What a sex script is and why it’s important to structure your sex life.
• The power of psychological arousal.
• The benefits of sexual dialogue and shared fantasy.
• What it means to have safety in a sexual relationship.
• Face-to-face psychological arousal versus side-by-side experiences.
• The ethical erotica available to us!
• How people are yet to exercise and explore their erotic imagination.
• The difference between consensual objectification and non-consensual objectification.
• The damaging repercussions of pornography.
• The difference between mainstream porn and ethical porn.
• Sex as a resource for positivity in a relationship.
• The importance of communication with yourself and your partner.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex Our Love Lives
Ian Kerner TED Talk
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
There are plenty of misconceptions out there about what constitutes a sexual transgression, but the truth is that your experience doesn’t need to be violent for it to be a violation. The term sexual trauma is deliberately broad and all-encompassing and includes any non-consensual act. Yet, for many survivors, it takes them years before they can recognize that their experiences were a violation. Today on the show, we get together with Dr. Holly Richmond to help us take a closer look at sexual trauma and unpack how our minds and bodies react to these experiences. Holly is a somatic psychotherapist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified sex therapist. She is also the author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life. In our conversation with Holly, we discuss her work as a therapist, why so many of her patients have taken years to recognize and seek help for their trauma, and the reasons behind why so much of sexual trauma is tied up with feelings of shame and low self-worth. We also dive into the dissonance between our mind and body after experiencing sexual trauma, and how survivors can begin to move from a state of surviving to thriving. Today’s conversation is both hugely informative and deeply empathic. It sheds valuable light on the experiences of so many individuals and ultimately shares an empowering message of self-actualization, sex positivity, and pleasure!
Key Points From This Episode:
● The definition of sexual trauma and the importance of having an all-encompassing term.
● Why sexual trauma isn’t necessarily violent, but always non-consensual and violating.
● The role that shame and low self-worth play in repeated instances of sexual trauma.
● Why it takes many survivors years before they recognize and seek help for sexual trauma.
● The dissonance between mind and body after a traumatic event.
● How society has conditioned us to ignore our trauma in order to stay productive.
● Some of the initial steps that survivors can take in addressing their trauma.
● The four types of trauma response: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
● A definition of the lesser-known response fawn, and why it’s described as 'freeze with a smile on your face'.
● The distinction between surviving and thriving, and the role that pleasure plays in thriving.
● The role of eroticism and sexual fantasy and how that can be nourishing and healthy.
● How Holly’s book addresses issues around sexual fantasy, trauma, and integration.
● Holly’s advice on how to find a sex-positive therapist.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Dr. Holly Richmond
Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life
The American Association of Sexuality, Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
When we are trauma-bonded, it's nearly impossible to see the truth. By design, isolation and self-doubt are an intrinsic part of a trauma bond, which is why it's so hard to extract ourselves from the patterns of toxicity and abuse. Today’s guest on the Radical Intimacy Podcast is Kate Anthony, host of the critically acclaimed New York Times-recommended podcast, The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, and creator of the groundbreaking online coaching program, Should I Stay or Should I Go? in which she helps women make the most difficult decision of their lives using coaching tools, relationship education, geeky neuroscience, community support, and deep self-work. Kate empowers women to find their strength, passion, and confidence, even in the most disempowering of circumstances, helping them move forward with concrete plans and see that they can put their children at the center of their decisions, not in the middle. In this episode, we talk about trauma bonding, an emotional attachment formed by a cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement, and how to break free.
Key Points From This Episode:
· The physiological and emotional addictions inherent in trauma bonding.
· Some questions to ask yourself to determine if you’re in an abusive relationship.
· Understanding the difference between narcissists and abusers.
· Kate highlights the trauma bond in the story of Beauty and the Beast.
· What Kate believes the ‘men’s movement’ is missing: women’s voices and doing the work.
· How trauma bonds go both ways and the difference between ‘reaction abuse’ and trauma.
· How your childhood trauma informs your chances of ending up in an abusive relationship.
· Find out why Kate believes that abusers can’t change.
· The first step you can take to get out of an abusive relationship: educate yourself!
· The value of finding a therapist or coach who specializes in emotional abuse recovery.
· Kate’s advice for victims of abuse: remember how many times this has happened.
· What to do if you are the victim of physical violence and where you can get help.
· Tips for survivors of an abusive relationship: do the Self-recovery work.
· The importance of going where the energy feels good; where feels like home?
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast
Should I Stay or Should I Go? Program
Should I Stay or Should I Go? Facebook Group
Am I the Abuser? with Rhian Lockard
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
Coral: Sexual Wellness App
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Welcome to Part 2 of our deeply meaningful conversation with poet, activist, teaching artist, mental health advocate, and general queen, Natalie Patterson. Join us as we discuss the inevitability of death, how generational wealth is hoarded in already privileged families, and where the journey of unlearning needs to begin for white people. Natalie invokes a call to action for white women that aren't being curious enough about the Black experience, before sharing the anchor of compassion and tenderness that teaches us all so much about life; when we can be a witness and hold space for others. We talk about the importance of making conscious decisions with your short time here and how Instagram can be a teaching tool for self-growth and pushing your threshold of discomfort if used intentionally. We then dive into the urgency of teaching critical race theory, and how pervasive denial around the horrific reality of slavery keeps American citizens and leadership “comfortable” while blindly signing children up to a false reality. You'll also hear our discussion around white guilt versus the need to be disruptive and Natalie’s comments on the ability of technology to distract us from what matters most. Finally, we hear some parting quick-fire questions so we can get to know Natalie even better; and her answers don't disappoint! We hope you can join us for Part 2 of this crucial conversation!
Key Points From This Episode:
• Natalie starts with optimism that modern humans are capable of doing what needs to be done.
• There actually are enough awake white people to shift the tide: they just aren't bold enough.
• How the steps of uncomfortable learning don't compare to the constant discomfort of living as a Black person in America.
• A call for white women to be mindfully curious about the vastly different Black lives and experiences around them.
• How just witnessing and holding space for others teaches you so much about life.
• Addressing the redistribution of wealth, hoarding, and the nature of family.
• Talking about the inevitability of death and making conscious decisions while you are alive.
• Using Instagram to stay teachable by challenging your thoughts and judgments.
• The importance of tenderness and having sounding boards internally and in our communities.
• How we can create environments where BIPOC feel a sense of safety and belonging.
• Why teaching critical race theory is vital to stop denial about the horrifying truth of slavery.
• Enduring distrust of leadership in America, who pretend these issues aren't significant.
• Touching on white guilt versus the need to be disruptive.
• How having more compassion means that everybody wins.
• Some closing questions on Natalie's best and worst words, how community and tenderness turn her on, and what she'll hear the Pearly Gates.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Natalie Patterson on Instagram
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
For the Black community, the impact of centuries of unaddressed trauma still manifests today. And while part of that is certainly due to ongoing social injustice, some of the impact might very well be inherited. Today’s guest is Natalie Patterson, a poet, teaching artist, mental health advocate, and diversity, equity, and inclusion leader. She uses her dynamic range and expertise to masterfully make abstract concepts tangible, bridging personal experience with larger cultural occurrences using art, performance, talking circles, and custom workshops. Natalie is known for her integrity, passion, social activism, and her ability to work with people of all ages, genders, races, and cultures by showing up fully and inviting folks to remember that who they are is enough. In today’s deeply personal episode, we address intergenerational trauma through the lens of a trip that Natalie took to Cape Coast Castle in Ghana, one of the most famous trading posts in Ghana’s dark history of slavery. Natalie shares her candid reflections on the delusion of the human spirit, why knowing where you come from should be a birthright, not a privilege, and the relationship between generational trauma, disenfranchisement, and belonging, as well as how she seeks to deconstruct and humanize these experiences through her work. This is a deeply insightful and difficult conversation, but one that is critically important for understanding the blueprint of historical cruelty that still exists in our systems today, so make sure to join us for part one of our discussion with Natalie Patterson.
Key Points From This Episode:
• What led Natalie to take an ultimately extraordinary trip to Ghana.
• The deep, visceral impact of the tour she took of Cape Coast Castle.
• Natalie shares her experience of the rooms where slaves were held before being shipped off.
• The immense grief and overwhelm she felt while bearing witness to the inconceivable horror of what occurred in these spaces.
• Our reflections on the intolerable and mind-blowing cruelty that occurred in the castle.
• Why Natalie believes that returning to the place of your ancestors should be a birthright.
• What the water led her to understand about Black intergenerational trauma and swimming.
• Hear about her experience of being othered by a local in a bustling, outdoor market.
• Generational trauma, disenfranchisement, and belonging; how Natalie fights for comfort.
• Understanding the blueprint for this kind of horror that still exists in our systems today.
• How Natalie seeks to deconstruct and humanize these narratives through her work.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Natalie Patterson on Instagram
Natalie Patterson on YouTube
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
I am Zoë Kors. Welcome to my podcast. I launch this podcast on the eve of the publication of my debut book, Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve.
In a way, this podcast serves as an extension of the book. It’s an opportunity to explore the idea of intimacy, what it means to feel a sense of deep connection, how we create that in our lives and how we sustain it.
We tend to think of intimacy as something that happens between two people, either physically or emotionally. While that’s certainly a part of it, there’s more. The importance of intimacy doesn’t exist solely in the context of relationship.
We are available to connect with each other only to the extent that we can connect to ourselves. This goes for lovers, friends, relatives, colleagues, and even the barista at the local coffeehouse. In order to share the most tender parts of ourselves, we have to know what it is we are sharing. And to fully see someone else, we have to be able to recognize our own experience in theirs. For all the times you ever wondered if this is all there is, if you’ve longed for something you can’t quite name or grab hold of, it’s ultimately intimacy with yourself that you are craving.
My vision for The Radical Intimacy Podcast is to share with you conversations with a variety of people from diverse backgrounds for the purpose of getting more intimate with ourselves and others. This is a safe space in which to be real and raw, to express the fullness of who we are in all its complexity and contradiction. My hope is that through listening to these episodes, you will feel like it’s okay to be you, exactly as you are, and to know that you are not alone. Also that through this deepening sense of self, you are able to bear witness to the experiences and truths of others, even when—or especially when—they are different from your own. Let these conversations enrich your understanding of where you stop and someone else begins, the hard lines of individuality, and the shared experience of our humanity.
Coming into closer alignment with the soul, and fully embodying ourselves are a couple of the highest pursuits in this life. This is according to today's special guest, Jerome Braggs. Jerome is an intuitive healer who brings kindness, awareness, love, and honesty to his work with clients, and into his everyday life too! Having Jerome on the podcast is truly an honor and listeners can expect to come away from this episode refreshed and inspired to delve deeper into their purpose and find more meaningful joy and pleasure in the world around them. In our conversation, Jerome unpacks how to understand the human soul, and how true pleasure anchors the soul in the body. We also get into how to shut out the external noise that can distract us from our inner truth and soul's message. Other topics covered include how to understand illness, why retreat and silence are so important, the power of sex, and how to better connect with what is truly pleasurable. Jerome is such a gifted speaker and has so many amazing juicy bits of wisdom to share with all of our listeners, so make sure not to miss this episode!
Key Points from This Episode:
• Jerome explains what he means by the words 'soul' and 'source'.
• Ways to get more in tune with the soul; Jerome talks about the importance of unpacking and releasing.
• The specifics about retreating and what it means to take a step back from culture.
• The metaphor of the caterpillar, the cocoon, and the butterfly, and the lessons to take from it.
• How illness and brushes with death can wake us up, and how to respond to the call.
• Mistakes in bed; a few pointers from Jerome on a better understanding of sex.
• How pleasure relates to the soul and body; a mechanism for anchoring ourselves.
• Recontextualizing the message of illness and why it's something we should listen to.
• Prioritizing what is important to us; Jerome's experiences during his near-death experience.
• Understanding the presence of God during sexual intercourse.
• Why pleasure should never be a source of shame and how to separate the two.
• Self-care and desire; Jerome explains why clouded judgment leads to confusion.
• Embodying the self and why this is so attractive to others.
• Where to find Jerome online and how to make use of his amazing offers!
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Zoë Kors’ Links:
Zoë’s Book: Radical Intimacy
Today's episode touches on a cultural phenomenon that often takes place at dinner parties and on social media: the celebrity hall pass. And while there's a non-threatening safety built into this because of the unlikelihood of the opportunity to act on the desire, it still plays the role of a culturally sanctioned admission of a desire to be sexual with someone outside of your committed monogamous relationship. With the resurgence of conversations around open marriages in the zeitgeist, there are many of us out there with questions on how to navigate this territory in a way that is mindful and honors everyone involved. Our guest is one of my most-admired friends and relationship role-models, Sarah Marshank, who is the founder of Selfistry, author of Being Selfish, and a prolific sharer of practical spirituality and conscious awakening in spaces from packed auditoriums to white-sand beaches, to boardrooms.
This enriching conversation kicks off with defining what it is to be ‘monogamish’ and unpacking the two very different concepts of being intimate and being sexual, before exploring the importance of keeping your heart and mind focussed on the lifelong journey into self-actualization. Sarah outlines the integration of three realms that will anchor this journey to open pathways of expansive intimacy and honesty, before diving into how this work sets you up for being able to show up fully and authentically with others. Hear how knowing yourself involves giving all your desires and feelings permission to exist, and the importance of finding a community that supports this work. We finally look at what is involved in a conversation where you are bringing having ethical non-monogamous sex to the table. This conversation is rich beyond measure and speaks directly to the soul of every being who lives in relation to others. We dearly hope you can join us.
Key Points From This Episode:
● An introduction to today's topic: the Celebrity Hall Pass.
● Our guest Sarah Marshank kicks us off with the definition of ‘monogamish’.
● Unpacking the two different things of being intimate and being sexual.
● Establishing the intimacy part so that you can show up honestly with your feelings and desires.
● How dealing with feelings of ‘not-enoughness’ and jealousy is very individually specific.
● Sarah shares how she and Steven embody radical intimacy and good communication.
● How the foundational importance of knowing yourself is not a static thing.
● About ‘Selfistry’ and organically unpacking its two realms: spirit and psyche.
● Excavating and replacing the belief systems that we've inherited that aren't really ours.
● The reality that we're all living a spiritual life, whether consciously or unconsciously.
● Hear the Copernicus story about reorienting your human experience of ‘self’ and ‘no-self’.
● Approaching the disorientating integration of ‘no-self’ with grace and support.
● Talking about ‘witness consciousness’ and the nuanced guidance of Ram Dass.
● Hear the incredible story of Ram Dass's personal support of Sarah's work and book.
● How we can invite in a foundation intimacy that honors everybody.
● Finding your community to walk the road of self-exploration alongside each other.
● Navigating what to do when you want to have sex with someone else.
● Giving unconditional permission for all your wants, desires, an
Author and activist, Heather Kristin has been interviewed by Oprah and has worked many jobs over the years, including Park Avenue nanny, subway busker, and cocktail waitress, but one that stands out is her role as stand-in for Kristin Davis’ character on the set of Sex and the City (SATC). In February 2021, Heather exposed the toxic atmosphere on set by penning a detailed essay for the Independent. In the candid memoir that quickly went viral, she recalled an incident of an ‘alpha male actor’ demanding that another stand-in be “tied up, gagged, and brought to his trailer.” These horrific words have now been confirmed by Heather to be those of Chris Noth, who played Mr. Big on the show. In today’s episode, Heather shares her story with us and recalls some of the experiences (both negative and positive) that she had on set at SATC. We discuss the nuance of experience that leads survivors to remain in traumatic spaces or choose not to speak up, why it is that we keep hearing stories like these, and Heather shares how she seeks to empower young women and girls through her work with Girls Write Now. This is a conversation about the power of sharing our stories and learning from the stories of others, so make sure to tune in today to hear from storyteller and truth seeker, Heather Kristin!
Key Points From This Episode:
- Heather recalls some of the positive experiences she had working with the SATC cast.
- Learn what a stand-in does and why they play an integral role on set.
- The incredible opportunity Heather had to be in front of the camera with her violin.
- Heather shares her candid account of the ‘dark’ moments she experienced on set.
- The nuance of Heather’s experience that led her to return to SATC after quitting.
- How her now-viral article detailing Noth’s behavior was originally received by editors.
- Why she decided to name Noth after the sexual harassment allegations that came out.
- Heather’s reaction to the statement that the women of SATC made following the allegations against Noth that surfaced.
- Why she believes that we keep hearing these stories; the power dynamics at play.
- How we can appropriately respond to allegations like these: acknowledge, investigate, stop the retaliation against survivors.
- Heather’s work with Girls Write Now and how she seeks to empower young women.
- The power of sharing our stories and learning from the stories of others.
- Heather’s favorite and least favorite words (yes and no), her love for DuMont Burger in Brooklyn, the sound of the violin, and more!
- Parting words of wisdom: choose kindness rather than words that tear people down.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
‘I was Charlotte’s stand-in on Sex and the City. Some of the behavior I saw still shocks me’
'Chris Noth’s behavior on set for ‘Sex and the City’ was disgusting. I know — I was there’
E09: Chapter One: More Than Sex (Solo Episode)
26:36
E08: Rewrite Your Sex Script with Dr. Ian Kerner
36:06
E07: Thriving After Sexual Trauma with Dr. Holly Richmond
38:50
E06: Breaking the Trauma Bond with Kate Anthony
48:30
E05 Ghana: Return to the Door of No Return with Natalie Patterson (Part Two)
41:56
E04 Ghana: Return to the Door of No Return with Natalie Patterson (Part One)
50:27
The Radical Intimacy Podcast
5:26
E03: Sexual Expression from a Soul Perspective with Jerome Braggs
49:18
E02: Monogamish: Navigating the Hall Pass with Sarah Marshank
48:21
E01: The “Ick Factor” on Sex and the City with Heather Kristin
37:32