Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#173 - Why Does Your Kid Act Differently with Your Ex?
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You and your coparent have the same child... but you're raising two different kids. It's a maddening reality for millions of divorced parents, leading to blame and conflict. But what if the cause wasn't your coparent's "leniency" or your "rigidity"? What if it was a powerful psychological force ignited by the separation itself? Once you see it, you can't unsee it. This video reveals the subconscious reasons your child adapts their personality for each home and gives you the tools to stop fighting the dynamic and start fixing it.
Different Child, Same Kid
Speaker 0You and your co-parent have the exact same child , but you're raising two different kids . One parent gets the quiet , compliant child who never breaks the rules . The other parent gets the angry , boundary-pushing child who argues about everything . Very often , the reason has nothing to do with who's the better parent , who's stricter or more lenient . Instead , it's the psychological force that ignited the moment that you separated . Once you understand this , you're going to be less likely to blame your co-parent or your child again for this difference in behaviors . If you've ever gotten that phone call where your ex is describing a child whose behavior you don't even recognize , you know how frustrating that can be . You start thinking to yourself is he too lenient ? He starts thinking to himself is she too rigid ? You both get stuck in the cycle of blame , but you're both missing out on the complete story . In this video , I'm going to reveal three hidden forces that help to create your child's two different worlds . Then I'm going to give you three practical tools that you can use to try to help bridge those two worlds together .
The Emotional Thermostat Explained
Speaker 0First , let's talk about the emotional thermostat . When you were together , your home had one emotional temperature that was buffered by two adults with different personalities . After you separated , you became the sole thermostat for your home . Maybe your house is quiet , predictable and calm because you're stressed out and you're just trying to keep things stable . Meanwhile , your co-parent may be feeling liberated , they may be taking on new activities , they may be dating somebody and their home is crackling with this new kind of energy . Neither one of these situations is necessarily right or wrong , but for a child , switching between these two different emotional climates can be exhausting . Your kid is constantly trying to adapt , but the mood in the house is just the beginning .
Speaker 0Sometimes there might be a second force at play , one that helps your child feel secure enough to act out at one home but
Anchor of Attachment
Speaker 0not at the other . This is the anchor of attachment . After separation , your child's number one subconscious job is to remain a secure attachment to both of you . They need to know that their anchor to you is strong . At one parent's house they may feel that being perfectly quiet and compliant is the way to maintain that secure attachment . They're afraid to rock the boat , but at the other parent's house they may feel more unconditionally secure that they have the ability to release all the pent-up anxiety and frustration that they've been feeling . What you see as acting out may actually be a backhanded compliment that your child feels secure enough with you to just completely fall apart . And if you see this happening at your co-parent's house , it may not be that they're too lenient . They may be the more secure attachment for your child . This can be a huge mindset shift . But there's also a third force that can trap you and your co-parent in a really negative loop that will almost guarantee that your parenting styles will start to drift farther and farther
The Push-Pull Loop Trap
Speaker 0apart . This is the push-pull loop .
Speaker 0Parenting is not a one-way street . Your child pushes on you with with their behavior , and how you pull back defines the whole dynamic . Let's say that a child is sad about the separation that's . That feeling is too big for your child to handle . They push on parent a with that sadness by acting out defiantly . Parent a maybe feels guilty about the separation , maybe they caused separation , and they respond by loosening all the rules . The child learns in this house defiance equals leniency . Now the same child goes to parent B's house and pushes with the same defiance . Parent B doesn't have that same sense of guilt about the separation . Parent B pulls back on that defiance by putting stricter rules in place . The child learns in this house defiance equals conflict . Without talking to each other , parent A and parent B have accidentally created two entirely different parenting playbooks , and your child is stuck in the middle trying to figure out how to play by both . So that's the why we had the emotional thermostat , the anchor of attachment , and the push-p pull loop .
Speaker 0Understanding
Three Tools For Building Bridges
Speaker 0all this isn't about blame . It's about empowerment . Now let's talk about what you can do . You don't have to become a carbon copy of your other parent . You don't have to become robots . What you can do is build a better bridge between the two parenting worlds . Here are three simple tools that you can start to use this week to build that better bridge .
Speaker 0First is the low-hanging fruit Create some stability between the two households . If at all possible , pick three or four basic rules that can align your two households together . They can be simple things . It can be bedtime on a school night , it can be screen time , it can be how and when homework is done . Agreeing on these things gives your child a predictable foundation that they can rely on , no matter which home they're in . Second , invite fun stories . Kids often feel disloyal talking about what happens at the other parent's house .
Speaker 0Give your child explicit permission to tell you good things about your co-parent Instead of grilling them about your co-parent . Start by sharing with your child great memories that you have of all of you together , things about your co-parent that you really admire , funny stories where your co-parent comes out looking really good . At first your child might be cautious , unsure if it really is safe to share good things about your co-parent with you . But after a while of you being consistent in sharing positive things about your co-parent , your child will start to trust it more and will start to open up and share good things with you too . And make sure that your child knows that they can always share stories about your household with your co-parent , that there are no secrets . This shows your child that they have one whole life , not two separate lives in two separate homes that can never connect .
Speaker 0Third , create a five-minute soft landing Visitation . Transfers can be incredibly stressful . Your child is literally walking that bridge between the two worlds . So for the first five minutes after they arrive , just be calm . Don't pepper them with questions . Just say something like I am so happy to see you , let's have a snack and chill out for a few minutes . That helps your child emotionally decompress from the transfer to make the transition into your home and as soon as they're ready , they'll start acting themselves
Invitation For Viewer Engagement
Speaker 0again . Now I want to hear from you . Let's prove how common this is . In the comments below , share one way that you've seen your child's personality shift between the two homes . I think reading people's answers will show you that you're not alone in this . If you've gotten value from this video , then do me a favor like and share so that other people can experience the same value . I'm Ron Gore , this is Co-Parent Academy and we'll see you in the next video .