Traci Dority-Shanklin: 0:20
Laura Petherbridge returns to the podcast. Laura is an author of five books, including The Smart Stepmom, which she co-authored with Ron L. Deal, 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom, Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul, Seeking a Silent Night: Unwrapping a Stepfamily Christmas, and When I Do Becomes I Don't: Practical Steps During Separation and Divorce. She is an international speaker and has been featured at the Billy Graham Training Center, on Focus on The Family, Lifeway, crosswalk.com, and Divorce Care, and Family Life. Laura is also a life coach, and like us, she lives and breathes her nuclear families. She is a wife of 36 years, a stepmom of two stepsons, a grandmother, a daughter, and a stepdaughter. We are jumping back into our conversation and going deeper into the difficult, but necessary self-work needed to blend a family and ultimately help the children involved heal and move beyond their grief associated with a divorce or the loss of a parent. Let's get into it. I have to believe you were conscious and aware of the issue of the loss with your stepchildren. So, do you think that influenced the way you were a stepmom?
Laura Petherbridge: 1:42
Yes. Definitely. Now I did go into it very naively. I thought I've had two stepmoms, certainly that taught me how to be a stepmom. And that was just erroneous, naive thinking. I had no idea what I was getting into in marrying a man with children. I had no idea of the sacrifice. I had no idea of the emotions. I had no idea of the rejection. I just, I was clueless. And in the beginning I was very angry. I remembered thinking, this is not the life I want. I got into this, not knowing what I was getting into and went into it with a good heart. And, but this is not the life that I want. And I had to really have some “Come-to Jesus” moments with God and say, “If you don't teach me how to be loving and kind in this, it's going to get ugly very fast,” because my natural instinct was to become angry and retaliate. When I thought they were being brats or when I thought they were disrespecting their dad. One of the hardest parts for me is when I didn't think they were treating their father the way that I thought they should. So, there was a loss. It's a loss all the way around. And what I discovered was is their disrespect -- what I viewed as disrespect to their dad -- triggered my own daddy wound because their father, my husband, was doing everything that I wanted my dad to have done. Show up at the sporting event; show up at the dances, show up. Be an active, full-time, “I'm here” Dad. And because I didn't have that. I love my Dad, and I know he loved me, but he wasn't there for those things. And because his sons were getting that there was a piece of me that just wanted to slap them in the head and say, “Do you know how lucky you are to have a father that's such a good father? Pays his child support on time. Shows up at every one of your events. He cries because he misses you. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?” Now, I never said that to them, but that's what was going on in my head. That's when I realized, “Laura, you're taking out on them what was done to you. This has nothing to do with them and that they have a good Dad has nothing to do with you. You should be grateful that your husband is being a good Dad to them,” which I was. But, it also stirred this anger in me that they should be appreciative of that. And when they weren't, or when I thought they were being disrespectful to him. So, I had to learn to take a step back and say, “You know what? He's the dad. I am not a parent in this circumstance. These are not my children. I need to step back. They have a mother and they have a father, and I am neither one of those things in their lives.” I can be an encourager. I can be a lover. I can be a mentor. I can be other things, but I need to step back from trying to parent two children who already have a mother and a father. And that was the turning point was when I stopped trying to interject or intervene for them to be parented the way I thought they should be parented. Now that meant letting my husband suffer the consequences if he wasn't parenting properly, or if he wasn't, but you know what I had to go that's between him and God, this has nothing to do with me. And so, learning to step back and step away from trying to control those circumstances was a huge turning point for me. And that allowed me to love them just as they are and pray for them and just become more of a fun -- I don't know -- like a fun aunt or a fun mentor or something because I was no longer trying to control how they were being parented or disciplined.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 6:10
I had a similar situation with my stepson, so my stepson lived with us when he turned 16. And I remember having quite a few issues. So, my husband traveled at the time and so I would be the at-home, custodial parent. So, I had a lot more hands on it, but it seemed every time my husband would leave was when my stepson would get in trouble, and then I would be the one scurrying around to try to pick up the pieces. And I think like that happened several times. And then I remember not only did I have a conversation with him, but it was the turning point for me was I remember thinking I can't be his parent. Like all I know to do is be a mentor. And that means I just have to keep showing up as me as authentic as I can be. And stop trying to fix, or change him, not fix him because he didn't need fixing. He just -- he needed guidance. He was a 16-year-old boy, but he had been parented already and had a way in which he believed his parents were going to behave. And I didn't fit into his -- I think I was probably in his peripheral view, but I wasn't in his main view. So, I agree that I think that it's a really, it's really good advice to say figure out what you are to your children, but recognize your stepchildren, but recognize that you are likely not a parent in their mind. And so, then you have to just decide what's going to make this okay for me? And that was, for me, it was, if I can be a mentor; if I can just keep showing up being me. He's going to learn through watching me. People learn more through watching you anyway, from what you do than what you say. I think it's great advice and I, you have already touched on the idea that stepchildren really never get over the loss. You mentioned your wedding. Actually, the script that I wrote was very much based on realizing that my wedding was the first time that some of my family members would ever meet. When I had that realization, that sort of was the event that triggered this screenplay that I wrote. So, I think that the, that you're talking about there's an ongoing warning or grieving, and it's something that probably just doesn't ever stop. The wound really remains open. And I'm wondering if you have any advice for people entering into blended relationships as to how, with that understanding, that this separation or divorce or loss of a parent wound is open for your stepchildren, how can they maybe address things differently? We've talked about the role in which you're going to play, but is there other things that they can be doing to avoid making big mistakes in building that relationship?
Laura Petherbridge: 9:14
Well, one of the things that both kids and adults want when we are struggling, or having pain, or having a grief is just having someone recognize that pain. That's what support groups are, things like that. Most of the times when we're struggling with something, we're not necessarily looking for somebody to come in with a magic wand and fix it. We know that's unrealistic. We know, our brain tells us that. But, when someone sits with us and says, “I see your pain,” that really has an impact. And this goes for kids as well as adults. And as you're saying, if during my graduation or my wedding or any of those major events in my life, if either one of my parents or any of my stepparents now in a small way, I think my stepdad did do that. Not verbally, but by standing on the sidelines and saying, “If you need anything, I'm here.” We forgot to order something for the wedding. He ran out and went to the grocery store. See that was his revealing to me, “I want this to be special for you.” So, I'm standing on the sidelines here as an extra pair of hands to help you. So, he never came and said verbal words like this to me, but I do find that both younger kids and in particular adult kids, when a parent acknowledges, “You know what, honey, I know you didn't ask to be from a divorced family. I know that this was not what you would've wanted was to grow up in a family. You're living in two homes. You know what, Joshua? My getting remarried probably made some complexities for you that none of us knew about until we got into this. And from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that I'm sorry that this has made your life more difficult, but you know what? I really believe if we work together, we can come out of this and make it smoother.” And so, what I'm saying is acknowledge the child's pain, loss, grief, even in the moment that they're going through it. It doesn't make it go away, but what it does communicate is my parent sees me; they see what I'm going through. They aren't dismissing it. They aren't blowing it off. And I'm telling you that goes even double if a stepparent does it. If a stepparent says, “I know you didn't desire to be in a blended family. And that was not within your choice; that was thrown on you. You didn't get to choose that. And I'm sorry for some of the complexities that's created for you. Tell me how I can ease that for you.” You see anything that comes alongside the child and acknowledges that this has been difficult for them will make it easier for them to have compassion and extend some grace to that parent and that stepparent. Now they may not show that at the moment. They may still have a really snotty, arrogant attitude, but when they go back to their room, and they're quiet, they will remember, “You know what? My stepmom cared enough to say she was sorry.” And that carries a great deal. Humility carries a great deal of weight with the heart, with the emotions. I'm not saying you have to beat yourself up or portray yourself as a worm or someone horrible. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying acknowledge their pain.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 13:23
This is something that in adoption is a really important piece is to acknowledge that, this was something that they didn't choose. They had no control over it. It isn't about them. It wasn't, but for a child, their self-esteem is so caught up in that. And I think that, as you were saying it, I was like, it's interesting that, look, I learned that after I was a stepmom, and I think it's really fascinating that it's on the adoption world, which is a whole other conversation that we could certainly have. I would think that you'd have a lot of insight on, but in that world, it's very prominent to say, “This wasn't your fault.” This didn't, it was too, it was an adult decision to have that conversation. And to say, “I know you didn't want this and we're going to work through this together.” But, I think it's interesting that as blended families, we sort of avoid that conversation. And it seems so obvious, but yet to our original statements at the very top of this interview and, conversation, we don't in the blended family world, we really just don't want to acknowledge it. There's so -- I don't know -- it's so much baggage or something that we're bringing to it, and then we want to make it all so perfect. Instead of just being so honest with it, isn't necessarily all perfect. Your relationship might be beautiful and amazing and lovely. And I, there's no doubt that when you, it's a big decision to blend families. So, there's a lot of love that exists to making you want to do that. But, there's also all this other stuff under the surface that has to be addressed.
Laura Petherbridge: 15:06
Not only do we not acknowledge it like you would in an adoption. Sometimes, we even go one step further, in particular, stepmoms -- stepdads do this, too, but stepmoms do it more. We have this expectation that the stepkids should appreciate us being in their lives. So, not only do we not acknowledge that this is painful and it's not what they wanted, and they had no choice and no control and no decision, then we turn around and say, “I'm doing your laundry. I'm doing your cooking. I take you to soccer practice.” We turn around, and we expect the child to be grateful that they have stepparents, and see when we really drill down and think about that, it sounds ridiculous. But, there is this expectation that my stepkids should be appreciative that I've stepped in here and I'm doing all of this for them. Now, I'm older. I grew up in an era where you did show appreciation and respect to parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles that do stuff for you. So, I am not of the belief that a kid shouldn't be appreciative and say, “Thank you.” But, we do live in a very different world where that is not being taught nearly as much to say, thank you, to people that do the day-to-day for you. But, I often have to remind stepparents, these kids didn't know what they were getting into either. And you’re expecting them to be grateful that they live in a stepfamily with all these additional people and with all, and they'll say, “No, I'm not expecting them to be grateful.” But, when you look at their actions and their comments, they do expect the stepkids to be grateful that they are being raised in a stepfamily. And I get it, that kids -- I do believe if you're doing their laundry, you're cooking for them, you're doing all these additional things that Mom or Dad doesn't have time to do. I am not saying we should not teach kids to be like, “Thanks for doing my laundry. Thanks for making my special meal.” I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that for a stepparent, this starts to ruminate. This starts to marinate and it turns into resentment. It turns into anger. It turns into feelings of just bitterness because look at all I'm doing for you. You normally don't see a parent getting mad because the kid isn't coming and saying, “Hey, Mom, thanks for washing my jeans.” Because as a parent, we do that for our kid. Where a stepparent definitely can become very bitter if they are doing things for a stepchild and that stepchild does not appear to be appreciative. There's just a different rub as a stepparent than there is from the biological parent. Stepparents and step – parents and stepparents see their children through a different lens. Parents first see their child through a lens of love. Stepparents see the child through the lens of responsibility. I want this child to grow up to be responsible. I want them to be a good person. I want them to do well in school and in life. Where when a parent looks at their child, the first thing they think is I want this child to feel loved. I just want them to ooze love, feel love from me. And that's the difference between a stepparent and a biological parent. That first glance is different because the stepparent didn't watch this kid grow up normally from diapers on up and build that bond, build that relationship. When a husband and a wife or the mom and dad have a disagreement over something the child should be doing or not be doing, you don't ever see them accuse each other of not loving the child. You never see Dad turn to Mom and go, “You don't really love Joshua. That's why you want him to have a nine o'clock curfew. You don't really love Joshua.” They may disagree on the parenting, but they never attack each other about their love. But in a stepfamily, you will see this consistently where if stepmom says, “Joshua needs to be in by nine,” and Dad thinks that's too strict. He will, in his mind be thinking, “You're being strict with my son because you don't really love him like I do.” And there's the big rub is that a stepparent and a biological parent do see the children through a different lens. Let's stop pretending that's not true and recognize that it's normal. That doesn't give the stepparent permission to be cruel or nasty or set boundaries that are unrealistic. That's not what I'm saying. Let's work together to admit, “You know what? I'm seeing this differently than you are. You are the parent. I need to let go and step back.” The only time that's not true is when it's a safety issue for me or my child or my home. If the child is a stepchild is threatening to harm themselves or something like that, then a stepparent can't step back from that. But, recognizing that a stepparent and a parent are going to view the child differently, the bond is different, and that's okay. That's not saying there's something wrong with the stepparent. It's natural; it's normal. And eventually, over time, they can grow to have that kind of a bond, but it's not normally there initially and immediate.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 21:22
I agree. What are some of the common issues that you see with stepfamilies that seek you out?
Laura Petherbridge: 21:30
Well, the number one problem is that the stepparent feels the biological parent is being too lenient. So, the stepparent wants either the Dad or the Mom to step up and set firmer boundaries with their own child. So, the stepparent sees the child getting away with murder or not having any consequences to their choices. And they'll talk as a couple and the parent will say, “You're right. I probably, you're right. I'm being too lenient. I need to make sure that Joshua does do his chores or does do his homework.” That parent agrees for there to be a consequence and then does not follow through. So, there is a name for this. We call it, guilty parenting syndrome or guilty parenting. And it's when a parent only sees their child -- typically, only sees their child every other week and they don't want that time to be nothing but setting rules and boundaries and chores. And so, they don't want their week or their days, every other weekend, or whatever to be nothing but rules. And so, they're lenient with those boundaries and rules because they don't want the child to start saying, “If all I do is chores when I come here, I ain't coming.” And so, they're terrified that the child is going to stop visiting. And so, they set no rules and no boundaries, and the stepparent feels like the child is running the home. So, that hands down number one issue in stepfamilies and blended families is the difference between how the stepparent and the biological parent feel the child should be parented.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 23:30
And I know you mentioned earlier the book, "Between Two Worlds", but are there any other resources you recommend for stepparents? Stepmoms in particular?
Laura Petherbridge: 23:41
I wrote The Smart Stepmom with Ron Deal, the first book, and then the second book, 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom is more bite size. 101 Tips is where I answer the most frequently asked questions. So, the first book is a more in depth, dealing with the ex-wife and dealing with all of those issues and the ex-wife might be a great mom, or she might be a horrible mom. And so, you got all of those complexities. The second book is a more bite size “how to.” It's a much more user-friendly, 101 Tips is, so a lot of what we've discussed here today is in that with those bite size answers. There is, I do like the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. I am faith-based; that book is not, but it does have some excellent advice in there. Also, the book, But I'm NOT a Wicked Stepmom. That's a very good book also by Kathy Lipp. An excellent resource for people before they move in together or blend their families is called Preparing to Blend by Ron Deal. In my opinion, a must-read for anybody who's considering a blended family because it talks about all the things you should discuss before you do this. So, Ron also has a book on stepfamily finances; that both of those I think are the best written on preparing to blend and, stepfamily finances. I host events. I do stepmom retreats, and I'm a big proponent of -- yes, Zoom is great. Podcasts are great. All of these events are great, but it's not until you get into the room, live with other people who are experiencing the same pain. I just did a retreat last weekend, two weekends ago. And the number one thing they said came out of, you know what? I didn't hear anything I hadn't really heard before, but seeing all of these different couples in the exact same boat, lets me know I'm not horrible. I'm not a horrible stepparent. I'm not a horrible mother or father. I haven't destroyed my children by getting remarried. Look at these couples that were struggling and now they're doing okay. There is value in those live events. And I cannot stress that enough, and there is a component in a live event that you do not get from Zoom. So, even though I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I do a newsletter where I announce where my events are going to be. Doing one in Memphis later this year. I try to do them anywhere people are asking for them. And so, come and learn, and come with an open mind.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 26:35
Yeah, I think community is huge. And I think it's huge in so many different aspects of our life. But, I think you're right to say that there is a release you get in knowing you're not alone, or you haven't totally screwed it up. I think we put a lot of judgment on ourselves, but when we realize that there are others out there who have endured or embraced or navigated it successfully, it's really important to helping our mind, see to believe what is possible.
Laura Petherbridge: 27:10
That's right.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 27:11
What is the most rewarding part of your work?
Laura Petherbridge: 27:15
I would say when I see marriages overcome. When I have life coaching clients or clients that come to my events, that when I start with them, it appears there's very little hope or they think there's very little hope. And that once they start to get some tools and some teaching on how to do this differently than how they've been doing it, I often have to ask them, “Are you teachable? Do you want to be right? Or do you want this relationship to work?” See, I'm very no nonsense. I have too many people that want help, so I only work with people who are willing to put in the hard work. When I see embracing and understanding and recognizing, “Okay, I can't continue to do this in that manner because I'm not getting a different result. If I keep doing it this way, I'm going to keep getting the same result, so let's try what Laura's recommending. It's different than what I've been doing. It's not what I want to do. I don't really like her advice, but I'm willing to try it to see if we can come out with a different result.” So, when I see them putting in the effort or trying, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but to be honest, I do it for the kids. Because as you said, I was a child of divorce. I was a child of this blended family pain. And when I know, and I may never even meet the kids. Usually I don't. I normally only ever work with the adults, but if I know that child's life is better because they got some life coaching from me or they attended an event and they went back and they were a different parent and a different stepparent. That's when I may never see the results of that in this lifetime, but I know that I know the child has a different circumstance that is better for them because they came and got the help. So, that's the most rewarding that plus I do have quite a sisterhood of stepmoms. I have stepmom sisters that I've gotten very close with. We've formed a tribe. And that's part of the reason why I do stepmom events is because we love getting together and laughing together, crying together. So, I almost have this very strange sense of being a spiritual mom to them, a mentor to these stepmoms. I don't even know how to describe it. Just this den mother. I had one of the stepmoms call me the OG, and of course, I'm old, so I wasn't sure what that meant. And she said, “That's Original Godfather. You are the original smart stepmom who knows how to gather us together and encourage us, love on us, teach us, reprimand us when we need it, slap us back into shape when we need some correction,” she said, “But we always know that you're doing it because you love us.” And so, I do feel I have this tribe of women that I've been able to mentor and encourage and love on, and they almost view me like a mom.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 30:47
That's awesome though. That's so awesome. And I can see why they would say that about you. I can see that you have, you do have a wealth of knowledge and there's so many more questions I wanted to get to, but we're out of time. So, is there anything that you'd like our listeners to know about you or something that you'd like to leave them with?
Laura Petherbridge: 31:06
I have a newsletter that I'd love for them to sign up for. See, they can go to thesmartstepmom.com, and I give away free stuff. There's always a good question and answer, and it's not just about stepfamilies; it's for anybody. And, I always post in there where upcoming events are, but it's a great tool to get resources. I love to promote other people. And when I find a good resource, I like to share that with other people. And again, it's not always stepfamily related. TheSmartStepmom.com is where they would find any of that. [31:41] And just don't let anybody tell you that your blended family can't make it. You have the power to make changes within your stepfamily. And sometimes that means setting boundaries with your spouse. See, we've only talked about the kids, but sometimes the person we need to set a boundary with is our spouse. And that's a whole other show is setting, allowing your spouse to suffer a consequence when they make a poor choice. And you do that very lovingly, but there can be wonderful, radical changes for the good when we start doing things in a different manner than we've been. The destructive pattern that has gotten us to where we are can be changed if we're willing to learn, so I'm honored to be in a position to help people do that.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 32:37
That's amazing. Well, I really appreciate you joining us today, and thank you for your time. And it was lovely to meet you, and I hope that I can have you back.
Laura Petherbridge: 32:50
I'd be happy to do that.
Traci Dority-Shanklin: 32:51
I'd like to also thank all of our listeners for tuning in to The Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we enlist experts in humor to help unlock our hidden superpower of being blended. Like you, I live and breathe my nuclear families every day. I am a wife, a mother through marriage, a mother again through adoption, and a daughter, half-sister, and stepsister from my very own eccentric family with multiple marriages, multiple divorces, and multiple blended families. See you on the next episode of The Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we debunk the mythologies of biology with a lot of love, forgiveness and humor. One conversation at a time.
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