Waiting is the Hardest (W.I.T.H Podcast 🎙)
Ep 7-Waiting to be happy
Johnita is covered with a cloak of darkness aka depression. Find out how she overcomes depression and the signs of encouragement of hope God sends during this dark chapter.
Johnita is covered with a cloak of darkness aka depression. Find out how she overcomes depression and the signs of encouragement of hope God sends during this dark chapter.
It was just so unfair. It was so unfair to me that life dealt me. The hand that it dealt. Five years ago, I almost lost my life and my leg. And I told myself that it will be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears. So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey. Hit stop now, if you're sensitive to mature subjects, because this story is raw, real and unfiltered.
Lisa:Episode seven, Waiting to be happy. I'm Lisa.
Johnita:And I'm Johnita. Welcome to Waiting is the hardest.
Lisa:Wow. We have covered a lot up until this point and we know that you've had a lot going on. Getting back home and dealing with being back in Michigan and dealing with your job and rockstar status. Tell us how you were dealing with depression during this time. Were you depressed? I know that, you know, mentally you were struggling, but did you actually fall into a depression?
Johnita:I did and it was horrendous. So I'm going to talk about, I'm going to talk about my depression journey from the beginning, like a month, a month out. No, I'm going to talk about it from the beginning of the injury until like, you know, until I started to get some help. So in the beginning, you know, I'm elated, I'm elated to be alive. The first few days, maybe the first week after. Yeah, the entire week, while we were in Roanoke, my aunt and daughter, and I, whenever we saw each other, whenever they came into my, my hospital room, we hug each other. We were just so excited.
Lisa:Right. And I noticed, so in the beginning we were having. I also need to say that I was, I was happy and I was grateful to be alive. And I was like focused on my recovery, have my notebook, taking names, write in notes. Right.
Johnita:And then when I get home, I'm happy. Ticker tape parade, personal hero in my own mind. Excited. Yes. There's some, some there, some. Emotion about, you know, once I got home and having to see people in the, in the state that I was in, but while I was going through those 15 surgeries, my attitude was positive and upbeat. I had two roommates at separate times. And both of my roommates commented on my attitude. And in fact, one of the ladies like her husband was like, we want some of what you got, like, you know, so my attitude was just upbeat and optimistic for the most part. But again, once you get home and life kind of gets real and you're climbing up that mountain and you're tired and... it just starts to wear on you. And then I noticed that when transitions started to happen, then I started to, it started to affect my mood. So it was like, while we were like in that little recovery bubble, initially it was okay. But then, the, once the transition started, then the wheels started to fall off. Case in point my daughter, she was going to college. And she was going out of state to college. And initially she, after the injury, her, her idea was to stay at home. She wanted to stay home. She wanted to help take care of me with my recovery. And I said, absolutely not. You know, Lisa, how much I value education, also know how much I value independence. So I'm like, absolutely not. And what I told her was, I said, I need you to go to school. We can't give... You can't give power to this accident. The accident has already up ended my life, but you can't let this accident up end yours, too. So you need to go to college and you need to kick colleges ass. That's what I said to her, when she was standing at the door bags in hand. My husband's getting ready to take her. My aunt is stepping in to care for me, with all of my IVs and bathing me and all of this other crap. And I'm like kick colleges ass. But as soon as she left out of those doors crying a river of tears.
Lisa:Oh wow.
Johnita:And I wrote about it and I said so this was, this was about, this is the day she left. And I said, I wrote, I shed my own personal river of tears today. So many transitions today. And I just couldn't deal today was the day Sofia left for college. Since the accident I've cried every day at the thought of her going to college without me. My vision, our vision of arriving on campus together, the joy of moving her into her dorm, decorating her room, having an experience that I missed altogether, because my objective in college was solely to obtain a degree and make a better life for my toddler and my soon to be arrival was different from your typical college, frosh. This accident, spared my life, for sure, but it robbed me of so many things. I cried at the thought of my baby girl having to grow up so fast. Sure, I've raised all my children to be independent, but this was the test; putting my money where my mouth is, walking the walk, not just talking to talk. And any other cliche you can think of about following. To look forward to the day when they would leave our home, but never in a million years, what I imagine or want my daughter to have to mature as much in five weeks as she did over 17 years. In addition to Sofia leaving, AJ got the keys to his apartment and moved in today. It was difficult. I cried like a baby. When he left, I wasn't prepared. He felt guilty and offered to come home after work and spend the night. I was torn. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to keep the thought of having a child close, but I knew I had to stay true to the values I instilled in them. Don't be afraid to try it on your own. You could always come home, but try to go out and make it for yourself.
Lisa:Wow. And in that moment, I just thought of... here it is, you started the year, like these kids about to be gone! You know, we going to be empty nesters nights. We don't have to worry about anybody. We can get together right after work.
Johnita:Yes.
Lisa:You had this whole vision and plan. Hey, I am going to, you know, Sofia and I are going to be shopping for her dorm room. Got it all laid out. Everything's going to be perfect. She's going to be well stocked Can't wait. Here it is. In the moment. Life has totally changed. Dumped everything out of your purse onto the ground. And you are trying to be optimistic, encouraging, telling these kids yep, go on into the world. This is not what we planned is going to be alright. And behind the scenes you are just boo hooing
Johnita:Crying now on this podcast. I got tears in my eyes at the thought. It was just so unfair. It was so unfair to me that[long pause] that life dealt me the hand that it dealt and that I was missing out. And I was just, so I was just so upset. I was just so angry about it. And, and I think that. You know, I think that was maybe the beginning. No, because that's in the, in the journal. I said I cried every day, so I was already crying at the thought, but I think once she left, it just kind of pushed me over the edge. I think it just pushed me over the edge.
Lisa:Does she know that's how you were feeling?
Johnita:I don't think so. I don't think I would've shared that with her because she would have she, I wouldn't have wanted,
Lisa:That would have been her reason...
Johnita:I would not. I would, I did not want to take away from, from her situation. I knew it was already a difficult situation and audience on Lisa stepped in and Lisa made sure that she had her room set up. And Aunt Lisa went to my mom's house and picked up all of the stuff that I ordered and sent to my moms. So Aunt Lisa was there doing the thing you hear me?
Lisa:I tried my best. I know I had some big, big shoes, to fill. I didn't have a notebook. I was not as organized, and I definitely had a fear because. Ms. Sofia will definitely let you know if something is not right. And I'm like, oh my God, I, you know, I don't want to disappoint her. And I knew it was a difficult situation. So the only thing I can say is I did my best.
Johnita:You did it. And it was, you did an excellent job. And I will, you know, I just add that to the list of things that I... There is a list my loving Lisa... of all the things that she does in my life for the last 25 years...
Lisa:The reward is to see these beautiful children that have grown into awesome adults. So, I am owed nothing. I've done nothing. Except been Auntie and whenever a task is assigned, I try and do my best.
Johnita:Damn good job.
Lisa:So what did you decide to do with all of that anger? It, especially, you know, you had such a clear vision. It was such, it was supposed to be a totally different year. How did you, how did you handle it? What happened?
Johnita:I, you know what I did, honestly, I cursed the name of the guy who hit me every day. I used it as a cuss word.
Lisa:Wow. Okay. That's creative. Every day
Johnita:when I get frustrated, I, I yelled his name.
Lisa:Did you, you know, we'll, we'll take a, a detour. Did you ever talk to him? Were there any ever, were there any words ever exchanged?
Johnita:I never spoke to that, man. I don't know who, I don't know what he looks like. He could pass me on the street and I would not know who he was. Sock him in his shit... And I know it's not Christian- like, but it's the truth. God knows my heart. So Nope. Nope. So I just yeah, I, I wrote, I wrote a letter to him, you know, I don't, I didn't have anywhere to mail it, obviously. So I wrote a letter to him and then, yeah, I would just, I would just curse his name every day, several times a day. I would just scream it as loud as I could.
Lisa:How long did that last?
Johnita:I think it lasted until I started going to therapy. I, I cursed that man's name for a really long time.
Lisa:Wow. Did you feel better in the moment? Was it like, all right...
Johnita:Yeah I felt better. I mean, that was, that was all I had. Like, I didn't have any other power. And so I did feel better in the moment swearing his name and, and that's what I did.
Lisa:And when you wrote the letter, is it a letter you pulled out from time to time, or you said to yourself, Hey, I'm gonna write this letter and then I'm going to leave it at that?
Johnita:And then I didn't look back at it until... you know, maybe six months later when I started to try to figure out, like, do a temperature check of how I felt about telling my story, then I wouldn't, you know, when I would come across it, as I was reading, I would kind of glance at it. But I didn't go back. I didn't go back to it after I wrote it, I just kept, I just kept saying his name over and over again. And then, you know, like I would... I, I wanted to know what happened to him because initially he was charged with reckless driving, which is a pretty serious infraction. So I felt good that he was going to get some justice. But then once I looked up the records, I found out that he got a lawyer. They had the reckless driving pled down to a or bargained it down or whatever you call it to improper equipment or defective, no proper equipment or something and girl, he paid a$200 fine and went on about his business. That was..
Lisa:That was it.
Johnita:That was it. And, and God said to me at a certain point, that vengeance is mine. Right. And so... that plus therapy helped me to move forward. Cause I, I don't my attitude. I don't have that type of like spiteful, vengeful attitude. So me swearing, him and cussing and swearing, his name is not, that's not me.
Lisa:Right.
Johnita:Typically.
Lisa:Right.
Johnita:And so I had to, I had to. I had to let it go, but it took a long time for me to let it go. It really did. It took a long time and, and I was, you know, I was angry with God. So, you know, there was that phase where like I stopped going to church. My husband would try to get me to go to church. I'm like, Nope, I'm not going. He's like, why? You know why. God knows why? Like I would not go to church. I was very angry. And I, I wrote about that as well. You know, I just... so I think that's what I did with my, with my feelings. I was just like being resentful and angry and lashing out. And...
Lisa:so when did you and God make up?
Johnita:When did it me and God? When did we make up? Oh we were beefed out for a minute. I want to say that me and God were beefed out through most through... I think we were beefed out through the end of 2020. I mean, I'm sorry. Through the end of 2017. Yeah. Yeah. So it took a minute.
Lisa:It took a minute. So you felt like, okay, God, you spared my life, but dot dot dot you put me in the situation and I don't understand why. And were you asking yourself all the time? Like, why me, God? Why, why am I going through this?
Johnita:I don't know if I was asking God why me? I think it was more like. You know, I had big plans. Maybe it was why me. I know it started with like, you know, I had big plans. Like you, you know, I had, like, I had, I had goals I had, I was going to do like, what's up with that? Like why? Yeah. I guess it was a why, like, why would you, what about you do such a thing to me? I just I'm like, how are you supposed to love me? You love me, but you gonna let me go through this. It was like a bad breakup or something. It was... it was really bad. It was really, it was really bad. I wrote about it and I said, if I'm being completely and totally honest with myself, I am angry with God. But that admission also comes with guilt. Does this mean I lack faith? I mean, how could I be honest with someone who's done so much in me and my family's life. I equate it with being angry at your parent. You know your parent loves you, but sometimes they do things you're unhappy with, but the reality is I'm angry. Angry at the fact that I haven't experienced the transformation I'd hoped to receive after going through a life altering event. If I'm honest with myself, this event has made me even more intense. In fact, I'm more like my dad. You have to understand. I've spent much of my entire life trying not to be like him. He was a tyrant exacting with unreasonable reasonable expectations and beliefs. It was his way or the highway. Yeah, me to a T. I grew up hearing all the reasons why he was an awful person and I experienced his toughness and vowed never to be like him. So I've been running from our similarities until the accident. The accident caused me to stop and say, fuck it. This is who I am and it's time to embrace it. No one's perfect. So why am I trying to be something I'm not, I can be nice and charming, charismatic and funny. That's a part of who I am too, but I can also be Johnny Payne when the mood strikes and that's okay too. Tremaine Hawkins sang a song about not losing your praise, even as you struggle and suffer. So even though I'm angry, I have to thank God for what he's doing and the progress that I'm making and even for the courage to embrace who I am, even if it's my flawed self.
Lisa:That's a lot of truth,
Johnita:A lot of truth.
Lisa:It's a lot to do deal with...
Johnita:A lot of things to deal with at once. And even though I was angry at God and resentful at God. The good news. The greatest thing about this situation is that it allowed me to be okay with the many facets of me, whereas before I was just trying to be this one sided person, I was trying to present a certain way, trying to make it always look great. Always trying to make it look polished when in fact, some days I'm nice and some days I'm not, and some days I'm kind and some days I'm okay. But it doesn't mean that I'm an awful person. It just means that I'm a flawed human, the way that God made me. Right. And being an as I, as I wrote about in that passage, I, my anger with God helped me to deal with my feelings. It helped me to deal with the fact like, oh, you were angry with God, you're awful person. Right. But maybe you're right. Maybe you're angry. Maybe you're just angry with God and that's okay. Right. I said in the passage that I was mad that God, that I hadn't received this transformation when in fact I was transforming the whole time.
Lisa:So it sounds like in that passage, especially there's a term, there's a, you know, you're being honest with how you're feeling. You're being honest with who you are. There's a level of acceptance. What else started to happen that started to pull you in the right direction?
Johnita:So two things, well, I shouldn't say two things cause there were lots of things, but two things come to my mind right away. In the earlier episode, I mentioned how my friend Greta sent me the song Here I am by Marvin Sapp. And every day, like when I first heard the song, it just spoke to my spirit and it talks about how, you know, I'm here. I'm paraphrasing. I don't remember the lyrics, but it's like, I'm here in spite of the trouble, in spite of like everything that's going on, I'm still here, you know, and I'm praising God and blah, blah, blah. And so I listened to that song every day and it helped, it helped me to like become more appreciative and grateful for everything that I had been going through up until that point. And the other thing is going to therapy helped me to come to terms with my feelings, my anger, my resent, my resentment. It helped me to, to come to terms with that and also to kind of flip it on its head. And to at, as my stepfather would say, to look at what it is instead of what it isn't and on the journey of depression. I also noticed that every time, cause it, sometimes it would my, my mood, sometimes my emotions would ebb and flow. Sometimes I would feel good. It would be a good day. Things would kind of go right. Case in point, there was, it was the end of the summer. And you and your husband came over, you were in town, you and your husband came over and we sat outside. And I think I just started taking steps and I was so proud to show you how I could take steps with my walker. And we sat outside in the driveway and it felt like a normal day. Right. So that I was buoyant, I was, and I think I might've even, you know, reached out to you later to thank you both for making that day, that on that last day of summer feel so normal. Right. But then other days, you know, I, I would be back to like, you know, feeling angry or upset again. And going to therapy helped me to, to be okay with how I was feeling in the moment. And every time that I felt like giving up because there were times when I, during that, during this that I, I felt like, okay, I made a mistake and there's too much to bear and I just need to like, just not be here anymore. And during those times, every single time God was sending me a sign. Even though I was mad at him.
Lisa:Right.
Johnita:Even though I was still, he was still...
Lisa:...he was not beefing with you.
Johnita:He was not. He was still looking out for his child. Even if one day my stepfather called and talked to me for 49 minutes, my stepfather doesn't talk to anybody for 49 minutes. He talked to me on the phone for 49 minutes. And that's when he told me one of the things that he said to me that resonated with me is that it's not what it isn't, but what it is. And that's something that I kept in my heart. My father-in-law, he would call me everyday... You okay. You having any pain? He, he was wheelchair bound and he had had a stroke previously. He's since passed away and he was paralyzed on one side, but he was in rehab and he colored me a picture. And the picture said, success starts with your first step. And I put it on the wall leading, going up to my bedroom. Cause by this time I was able to use a stair glider to go up and down the steps. And and then, you know, I started writing scriptures that resonated with me and sayings, like the one that my stepfather said, and I would put them on post-it notes. You saw it. And I would have all these post-it notes of scriptures and affirmations on the wall. So every time. When I would go up and everyday when I would come down, I would kind of read those scriptures and fill up my cup before I would start my day on my recovery. And so those are the things that I put in that, that I started to do that help to really turn a corner and it helped to outweigh and override those negative feelings and those angry feelings. Cause they were still there. Right. But I, I start, I stopped giving into them as much, and I started to try to fight back because if I was going to win that journey and win that recovery, I had to fight back against the negative feelings. And, and that's what I would say to you. People who are going through challenging situations, you have to fight back against the negative feelings they will seep in. They they will override and try to outweigh the positives, but you have to, you have to fight back and you have to, to focus on what it is and not what it isn't.
Lisa:Next time on Waiting is the hardest...
Johnita:I will be exacting. I will be a tyrant. I will be nice. I will be kind. I will be all of those things, but what I won't do is apologize for it. The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical professional.