How to Connect With Communities Authentically Without Fear

Being vulnerable can help us connect with our communities and audiences in a more authentic way. It can also help us form genuine relationships with others. When we are vulnerable, we are opening ourselves up to others and show them our authentic selves. This can help us connect with others on a deeper level, and it can also help us build trust.

Fear works against us. It disconnects us from the communities we want to establish. Fear soothes us and draws our attention to things. It also diverts our attention away from reality and gives us a distinct set of facts to deal with. Fear makes sense for us and provides a reason for avoiding showing up as ourselves.

In this episode you will learn:

• Why do members use fear as an excuse for not connecting within a community?
• How being inauthentic leads to mistrust in communities.
• What does it really mean to be an authentic community leader or member?
• What to do if you feel rejected or lose clients because you are vulnerable?

Do you desire to connect with coaching communities authentically, and form genuine relationships with others? Are you ready to be vulnerable and open up to others so that you can connect on a deeper level? Would you like to be fearless and not let fear impede establishing meaningful connections?

Join the NeuroVerse Collective, a group for coaches, thought leaders, and content creators like you. bit.ly/CollectiveInvite

Transcript

0:01

Hello. Hello, hello and welcome to the coaches, who build a world of podcast. This is gonna be good ever since the me y'all's business, but understand that we do it in love because we want you to grow. We want us to grow, especially as we are talking about Community. I am like a Contessa Louise Cooper and I am a coach. Ouch. Who builds worlds? I am dr. Kimberly Douglas. And I am also a coach feels worlds. So Kimberly came up with this amazing idea for today's episode based around the topic of fear. Mmm-hmm. And at first, I was like, All right, we're good. We're going to get into some stuff. We are got it. We may make you feel slightly uncomfortable about conversation, but it needs to be done. If you're by yourself, someone who's either building a world, a community, a space, or you are someone who is participating in that community, that world that space beer is going to be something that. We're really going to have to deal with, right? Absolutely. So I think it's good. There were bumping up against some things or bumping up against some people because I know for a fact from talking to a couple of different people that they're listening to the podcast and you know who you are and we kind of stepped on your toes a little bit. I think it's time to just go in and so today we're going to talk about fear. And we're going to talk about. How in a community setting or just in general? We focus on WE fixate on the thing that's causing us fear and that takes on a life of itself and what it is we use fear or whatever. The object of my fear is we really use it as a scapegoat. We really use it as a patsy if you will and that we can blame like, you know, like people think that they're peeling back our layers. It's like, but you have Deep-seated fear, but I think it's even even more. I think it's shallow. I think it's the thing that we can latch onto that makes us feel safe, but it's not the thing that we really need to be connected to so you can test and I were talking about community in this whole podcast, you know, we're talking about T how to show up in communities as individuals, but also as a community as well. And the word vulnerability keeps coming up and as long as you are searching for that object of anxiety, that object of fear, it closes you off. From Community. It removes the opportunity for you to have the type of connection. You need to actually to build a relationship with yourself. But also with other people. So one of the things that irritate me a lot like to Mike or about some leaders about some content creators is that they like to fake being a vulnerable. They like being authentic and let me tell you what being vulnerable is not. Is not putting on a face full of makeup. Putting on your brand colors turning big light having sad music in the background and crying about something that is happening to you or ability that is being fake. Authentic up is All scenario this whole situation so that you can have people feel sorry for you anything in particular. Well, maybe I am well, that is not how you be vulnerable and authentic in a community. And the reason why I wanted to bring that up is because we're talking about fear and fear will cause you to fake. Immunity will cause fake having connections because it's safe. It is scripted. It is control. You are in control of what are so you think is going on right now, right? Right. Yeah, if we push you firmly in control. And so you think about all the things that you named, all the trappings, all the presentation, all the props. Every one of those that you use, closes you off in some way. So if it's makeup, which I like makeup, it blocks you from something, right? Whatever that is. If it is, the lighting then is blocking you for his blocking. Something, if it's the brand clothes, it is blocking from something and so know. That's not that. That is being your brand. So. There's an authenticity in that way, but in terms of relationships that is not authenticity and what we're saying to people when we never show them our wrong moment. And in a way that I think is appropriate to the relationship is we're showing them. How to come lay your all on the Altar and leave just the same way you came, but you have different language for how you act in Life, or how you act in your business. But there's no intention to do anything different. No, you're also showing people that this is not a safe space. Yes. Yes, you are. You are showing people that they cannot be their true selves. They cannot be authentic. Like I have a hard time following someone like a fashion model all the time. 24/7 perfectly put together perfectly sculpted every single time. They speak. It is perfection. Can't follow you because I know that that's not my life. Exactly. I do not belong in this space. But if you have moments where you just rolled out of bed in your hair's, a mess, when you have moments where, you know, you are just frustrated when you have moments where you could say, you know, hey, maybe I'm not feeling well today, or, you know what? I'm just running to the store. And so I may not be picture. Perfect. But this is who I am. If you have moments where you turn off the filter, then I know that you are a real person, right? That I might be able to relate to therefore. Now I can show up as a real person and be my self. So, what that makes me think about two things. Number one, when people Start following personalities. that is a way of feeling like, Or creating this sensation creating the feeling that you are doing something different, but it's actually very distant, right? Because you're putting all your stock in that personality. You're not putting stop in yourself and you can see some changes, but that is a way of remaining distant from the things that would really get you to where you want to be the thing is, I'm thinking about the relationship between white coaches and black community members and Like as a black Community member. Does having a white Coach? Because many white coaches will not make themselves vulnerable to black people. Does that allow me to stay in the space that I meant? That leads me to think that. Okay. You have a white Coach. I'm a black community leader. Not only and I am a Community member and not only am I a black Community member that I'm a neurodivergent Community member and one of the that I can see very clearly is fakeness. Very, very clearly, let it be a gift or a curse. I can tell when you're being phony, I can tell, when you're being inauthentic, I can tell when you're acting one way in front of some people, and another way in front of another person. I can all of that. And so in this space, that I am in is now going to cause me to put my guard up, because I don't know which version of you I'm going to run into, I I don't know if you're going to be a friend or Foe, one of these fake allies whether or not you're just an ally when you're around and not around why. I don't know what you're going to do because I don't run. Yes, you as a community leader. So let me give you one specific example of something that happens over and over again. And it immediately makes me. So when I am interacting with a white person was Having conversations with other white people and they talk the way they talk and then they turn around and they aav African American vernacular, English it for me. Or common girl, the girlfriend and start relating to me in a very different way. It immediately makes me step back like, like, there's an ick factor to me. So what does telling me? Is that you don't intend? To be vulnerable with me. You are letting me know that there's power dynamics here, and when necessary, you will that card out? Because usually when people use the word girl or girlfriend to address me, it is in a situation where they trying to put me in a place. So they go from calling me doctor so-and-so to girlfriend. How in the hell does that work? So is signals to me. That there is a wall put up and the person on the other side of the wall is going to be the one who crosses that wall. I'm not. I can't get in because I want to get in. It's when they let me in and and I've been in situations where I spent money with people and they did their newest. Like here we are again. It's funny that you should mention that because I remember being in classes and taking courses especially in marketing and sales where they teach that as a tactic. You of mirror that person, you Marilyn, you mayor, their mannerisms. You may are all of that and that's supposed to make them feel comfortable. And you and what I never could About that is who did they talk to right? Right exactly that because if you do that to me, it's going to be an automatic know like absolutely yes. Yes, that you're not going to change the way that you speak and to be more black, right? Exactly. So that you see relatable that does not work with me and I'm pretty sure that that does not work with other. Other marginalized communities, like all of a sudden, I'm going to be a little bit more gayer so that so that you can relate to me. That feels so icky. It does to me. And it's part of I've heard Rachel Turner. She's a away Coach and I've heard her use this word before. I don't know if it originates with her, but she talks about, bro, marketing. Is that you? You're in what? And then in really like broom marketing is at the heart of what that then that's where we're working. That's that's we're going, bro. Marketing is the heart of what we're talking about here. It is, positioning yourself ahead or above people. Like, in your mind, you're above people and you're talking down to them and you're talking at them. You are not talking to a human being. You need to say the nice words, you words. It doesn't matter. What's happening with the human being that you're talking to what that means is, you are always closed off to them. You are not emotionally available to your community name. And I know some people have big community, so they can't touch him, right? One to one. But you still, there still are ways of being open and vulnerable and what, bro, marketing allows you to do is to stay Pierre in a way, from the unwashed masses. What I'm hearing is the Word, Erasure. When put yourself above other people of the communities. Then you are actually erasing. Mmm-hmm. The experiences of those individuals of those members because you're not listening to them. You're not real. You really don't care about them. All you care about is whatever. Class course Workshop, be not 101 session, whatever it masterclass, whatever it is, you're trying to sell, right? You're trying to Get them to buy your shit. You really don't care about them. Right? No, I think the word Erasure is a perfect word for this conversation, at this point in the conversation, because this circle back to what we were talking about initially. When you have a fear. Or something you can fixate on. That becomes the reason for you to sit. So I'm thinking about, if I as a black person, I'm already afraid and a little scared to try something. And when I come in contact with this coach, who was closed off for me, or their content is closed off for me or they haven't even done research to figure out who I am as a person and I hear that and it makes my stomach hurt and that's just enough reason for me to walk away. And never come back and never come back and never come back. So I would rather go and take my lashings every day at work then to come and deal with this. Because what they're telling me is that there's going to be more of the same. Like the same thing that we're fleeing that people are fleeing in industry and government in the nonprofit sector. What the Bro marketing signals to people is that when you show up in this speaks out, here is an entrepreneur. It's going to be more of the same. I can't do it. I just I can't do it. I'm at the point in my life. Mmm point in my business. I'm at the point of knowing who I am. Hmm. I just won't participate in spaces like, right. That's right. Yeah. It's like 15 years old. What's the ROI? And so, that causes a lot of really bright creative capable of cores to just, I'll just do it on myself. Right? Right. Yes, do it all myself and y'all are struggling. Mmm-hmm. Thing because we've talked about this, you are quite capable, but you don't have the capacity. Exactly. Exactly. Oh fuck. And in this is a very important point for people who are in treating this entrepreneurs face, and I'm talking specifically to black people, you're entering this entrepreneurial space. Really listen to your gut before you purchase anything, even if you have to consult with other people, you may have to purchase something smaller from other people. But if you're going to purchase something smaller, you probably need to be with that person. Anyway, but listen to your gut on this because we know how rampant white. I mean, white supremacy is in every aspect of our society and what that's all about is being From being better than separate is never equal and positioning yourself above other people. And if you hear something in the explanation or the description that doesn't sound right to you, really listen to that. Because here's the thing, you're setting yourself up to do. You're setting yourself up to give yourself an escape hatch because if you're an intelligent person, you're going to Get the meaning of their behavior and their microaggression. It's not so bad girl. But you're going to get the meaning of that. You're going to get the feeling of that and that will be just the reason you need to walk away. Don't buy that reason. Don't buy that reason. I just want to repeat that. For any of y'all who wasn't clear, what she? I just want to say that one more time. Right? It's so I want to talk about being vulnerable. Mhm. Mhm as a community leader being authentic as a community leader. I did a workshop, a Class A series on live streaming individuals who are like, I've never done it before. I'm a little nervous that that uh, and so what I did for the entire week as I would wake up. And immediately get on camera. Hmm. Look, I didn't brush my teeth. Thank God. Did we don't have smell-o-vision or whatever? It's coming. But yes, my teeth. No, put it on. No, putting on something, right? I came as myself and I did that because I wanted to show that none of that shit matters, right? Exactly. Exactly. No, no, no. No, this is really good, because People say well, I can't record because I need to fix my face. I need to do this. My hair is not right. I will slap on a scarf in a heartbeat. If that's the thing that's holding me up. And if I have a compelling message, a burning desire to say something, I will put on a scarf or whatever, or nothing at all, in, in record. That is not the limitation that people they buy a reason. They buy a reason to not show up when they need to show up in a public space. Right, and that's fear again. Talking fear is saying, I am not good enough. Exactly the way I am. I have differently in order to get my message across look and we talked about this 50 years old. I'm a black woman. I'm neurodivergent. I have a chronic illness. I have the time, I do not have the ability. I did not have the energy to look like long on the cover of a fashion. Remodeled just because I want to share my knowledge, not my expertise, my heart with my community. All I have to do is show up. Now. If you are not comfortable with someone being their true authentic, so then my space is not as space for you. And that is okay. You get to make that decision. I don't say, hey, this face is not for you. Myspace are for people who understand. That we're going to be wrong here. We're going to be vulnerable here. I am going to show up as myself and hopes that you feel comfortable showing up as absolutely and you give people permission not to you know, don't necessarily need permission. But there's some part, you know, some people need to be welcomed into the space of just showing up and you model that behavior. And say here's what it is. You know, here's how I'm going to present this. It just kind of set my mind on a lot of different directions and I was thinking about how yeah, it's important to show people that your space is not a chaotic space in your able to put things together. That's important, but that can't be the overwhelming Focus. It really is about just doing the frickin work, getting the blog out. There. It is about getting the videos recorded. It is about and not having 300 draft sitting in your drafts folder. Like somebody said the other day. They had like, 300 dress. I was like, are you kidding me? I would lose my freaking mind. And also the thing with me because of my content to me. It doesn't the relevance doesn't stick and so I have go ahead and, and After a few days, if I haven't used it, then it didn't really say what I needed for it to say, then I just erased it, but I don't erase a whole lot of videos. Some, sometimes I raced like if I duplicate by on accident, but but it is about making yourself vulnerable and putting it out there. And also, that's how you learn. That's how you learn about yourself. That's how you learn about your audience, your community. You people, you want to connect with it. It is a learning process and you get to know as much about yourself as you get to know about other people. Bye. Philippine your thoughts, developing your information, developing your content railroad. I was talking about that live streaming class things that I said is, so your first 10 videos are going to suck ass, right representation of your wife because you're new and you have to give yourself permission to be new, to love to be awkward to be all those things. And that's That's how you grow. You cannot grow just by watching other people. Do the thing, you know, by jumping in and bring the thing and making it just a little bit better each and every time hey my audience didn't like that. Okay, so why didn't they like it? Tweaking do it again? But in a different way say the same things but say something else, you know, fix your lighting. Do this go outside. Go. I do something silly right thing about what is working. And then, once you've got that, go for it and your true authentic self, whatever that looks like for you. I think I think that excuse me really good advice. And I'll add to that. Your fear about this fear is not the same thing as a fact. And so, sometimes the thing that we fear, May actually be something we don't need, you may not need to record things, but you may have to try it to really see if that's the case or not. And the time that you spend. Fretting about that may actually be a, I mean, of course, is waste of time, but it may be wasted in the sense. Well, actually, I think nothing is wasted but you're spending time in a way that were, you could have spent something else your time, doing something else. and you don't even need it, but now, And we talked about before before we hit the record button that sometimes the things that we fear. May not necessarily be true, right? It may be something that we imagine constructed right through. Right? So you join this community. Should you show up in the community and maybe you created a post and they didn't approve your post. Oh my gosh, they hate me here, right? The space for me. Duh duh-de-duh. You don't know why they didn't approve. Your posting 1000 by that have actually nothing to do with you personally, uh-huh. Uh-huh, right. It may be a duplicate of something that was already there. And so you have to ask yourself. Am I making up? Am I creating a story? So like this is story about fear-based story. Yes, I feel better. So if I were to ask somebody else with the story pan out or does this story exists only in my head. So there are two terms. I want to insert here number one. The possibility in number 2, the probability. So a lot of things are possible. They preach dr. Campbell. He's free. Well, let me get my hat into that right now. We don't have a and b selection by The Choir. But anyway, so a lot of things are possible. There's an incident unlimited number of things that could happen. But How likely, how probable are they to actually happen? And so when we start to construct stories in our heads? We're treating possibility, like probability. We're saying that it is likely for this to happen. But when it's really not it's possible, but it's not likely and I think we should take really write those. I'm challenging people write those two words down and put on a piece of paper, if you still use paper, draw a line between them. And when you have a scenario come up, when you're constructing a story. Ask yourself. Is this possible? Perhaps, how probable How likely is it to happen? How likely is it that you just joined a community? All you've done is your intro post and now all the moderators hate you. Right? Exactly exactly. Exactly. Probably. And I'm going to act of writing this down and writing it out on paper. It's because you can and come back a week later and you can just kind of go through your constructions. And I know people say, well, I go over this in my head all the time. No, no, no. Not like this. No, you don't. So when it's just stuck in your head. The construction is stuck in your head. Then you're holding on to that probability, but But put it on paper and just have a conversation with yourself outside of your head. Does this really exist outside of me? And if you need help, you know, contact, you know, your good friend. Who's really great at that. Dr. Kimberly. I, we can walk you through. Hey, all right, some of those thoughts that were. Facts. And you know, this is something we don't we didn't necessarily label it this but you and I do this for each other all the time. And helping parsed the bullshit. Yes, possible. But is How likely is this to actually happen? And so that's what community does for you. Even when you don't want to hear it. It takes away that thing that you are starting to fixate on that, you're fixating on it, takes that away, that can't be your scapegoat anymore, that can't be your reason. Amor, no. Fear of people not liking you. Mmm beer or rejecting. You should the reason for you to not have authentic true, real vulnerable relationships in and outside of communities. If you're one of those people who don't have friends, right? I can't seem to make friends. I don't like being around other with other women. Don't like me person, honey. It's not them. Right, right. There's something that's going on with you is probably fear-based. Mhm. That were glad that you got to be told. Work out, you know, and whether or not you work it out with the therapist will not you, work it out with a coach with a not Shadow work. And if some spirituality and there, there are some things that need to be enough covered because it you cannot be Comfortable with who you are, who you truly are. So there's so much in this statement that you just gave. It's a really powerful statement and I want to encourage people to come, go back and release it with that. So, here's the question. So there this is this, this question is layered when you're in a situation where you're afraid that the person doesn't like you. And I know as a neurodivergent person, many of us have the rejection sensitivity. And that's that's a whole conversation. I won't even go down that pathway. But let's just take it at its face value. So we're concerned about people not liking us or we're concerned about. Oh did I send this person when you start down that pathway? Ask yourself this question. Am I afraid that this person is going to leave? If I talk back, if I set a boundary, if I ask them for this or if I demand this. Will they go away? It's possible, but how probable is it? How likely is it to happen? Because that is connected to this fear, that things are just going to go away. You don't get to hold on to it. Well, if you have this fear that is going to go away, then you already have lost it. So stop and ask yourself this layer of quit, the layers of questions and just because I am who I am. I want to add to that. It's okay for people to leave everybody. Stop supposed to be in your life forever and ever and ever write about how people to come in and out of your life without having to hold on to them. They have a A right to go and be friends with someone else they have so that you have a right to have different belief system. They have a right to all that and maybe it's time and you know, this is going to be one of my off blog posts. You know me. I'm for us to really think about what friendships are and how to truly have adult. Friendships because I can't be your BFF boo, right? That's right. That's right. That's right. And so no, I think you you inserted something really important. So it's really three layers here that I see when you're in this situation where you're afraid. To speak up or you're afraid to try something because so this is about relationships, but it's also trying things and experimenting. Number one. Am I concerned that somebody's going to lead? Am I going to push them away? Somehow number two, how possible / probable is that that is going to happen. And number three. Let's say that it's highly probable that you're going to push people away. Then the question is contested inserted here is doesn't matter that they they are staying there or not, or is it a better thing for them to not be present and you really have to sit with that. Like probably the last one is the hardest for a lot of people but that's a that's a quick framework that you could use when you get into these modes of feeling. Ejected or you're afraid to make a demand or you're afraid to try something new or you're afraid to show up as yourself. Ask yourself, two series of questions. Who this is good, huh? Yeah. I say that the end of all of our You haven't had a chance to do in just his episodes. I suggest that you do, you know, go ahead and put it on play, as you are driving back and forth, and running your errands or doing whatever it is that you're having to do in your house. You are missing out on some goodness. On some gems. I'm really going to try to create more social media posts out of the things that we say. Because they hear this people need to know in this that we have. Dr. Kimberly. And yeah, go ahead. I just got excited. I got excited when you say that. I'm sorry. So yes, my wrap-up. Yes, so I just got really excited because one of the things that I've been trying to, I've been thinking about how all my things work together, right? My LinkedIn, my Tick Tock Facebook, like almost My stuff, how that works together with the podcast. And, and we have to do this from time to time. We have to rethink our position and how we position things. And so, one of the things that I really want to do over the next couple of weeks is really positioned the podcast in a certain way. And so, when you said that my little senses, my little tingle, he's just my little antenna just started tingling and lighting up. And there, there is so much here that I can grab. And Now, I can put in my social media post because you repurpose repackage content everywhere and I'm just thinking about this, these three steps. And really encourage people and you'll hear some of this in my social media, and it sounds like then contestants as well. But we really want to encourage people to stop and give yourself Grace. But the way you give yourself Grace is to have a process. You need a framework. And I say, all the time, I don't, I can give you tips and hacks, but that's what Google is for what Contessa and I provide are Frameworks for you to take with you and move. Forward. So that when you talk to us, you don't leave feeling lacking lack because we kept ourselves distant from you. And then also, because we give you bread crumbs, you leave with a framework that is going to help you think about this in the future. So not it's not, it's important today to be able to think about it and to understand what you need today, but what's going to happen tomorrow? So I'm over here doing my happy dance because, you know, I have the gift of knowing what to say to get people to move or as confirmation to what it is. They were already thinking. So yes, and really, I said, what I needed to say because you needed to hear it so that you can go ahead and do the things that you wanted to do on LinkedIn and on your social media accounts. For the podcast. So, boom. There you go. Yes. Yes. Yes. So my call to action for everyone who is listening to this broadcast is to share. Tell someone that they need to listen to this because we were talking to them as a community leader or as a community member, and let us know that you You shared this. They may be something good in it for you. Boom. Boom. Boom. This has been the coaches who builds world's podcast until next time. Bye.