Welcome back to the Stoplight Approach Podcast. I am your host, Sarah Ganger. Today, we are continuing our two-part series on empathy. If you didn’t have a chance to hear the previous episode about empathy, I encourage you to go back and listen to it before continuing with the episode for today, as it is really a continuation of the same conversation.
Using the ABC’s of The Stoplight Approach, which are drawn from the work of Dr. Daniel Goleman and his book, Emotional Intelligence, we have discussed Awareness, Behaviour and the first part of Connection, which is empathy.
In the previous episode, we discussed the importance of connection, or empathy, as the ability to take another person’s perspective. Empathy is the act of drawing near, being with someone in their experience, listening with the desire to understand and without fixing. In short, empathy is connecting with another person. This is why The Stoplight Approach uses CONNECTION to remember empathy.
Also in our previous episode, we discussed the importance of self-empathy. We asked questions and reflected upon on how able and willing we are to offer empathy to ourselves, starting with our very own bodies. Self-empathy is an important part of empathy because the level of empathy that we offer to ourselves is often an indicator of how much empathy we will be able to offer to others. Noticing and offering empathy to our own bodies can help us practice for offering empathy to others as well.
Today, we will be discussing what it looks like to offer empathy to others. If we remember the definition of empathy as the ability to take another person’s perspective, there are a few things that are important to discuss as part of the process.
The first part of empathy is the ability to take notice of what is happening with someone else. As we said in the last episode, the ability to notice requires living at a pace that has some room for slowing down in order to see what is happening with the people around us. In many places and in many cultures around the world, the pace of life is very fast, with a lot of rushing from one thing to the next. This makes noticing very challenging. Noticing requires a pace that makes room for seeing body language, tone, facial expressions- all these things that are often subtle and easy to miss in a busy pace of life. Noticing is an essential part of being empathetic. In order to try to take another person’s perspective, we must first notice what is happening in their lives, on their face, in their body language, in their world. A simple example of this would be noticing when the face and body language of child is indicating that the child is distressed in some way. It could look like tears, a tense body, stomping feet. Noticing allows us to move toward a person in empathy.
Empathy also involves curiosity. Being curious means having a disposition that is open to asking the question, “I wonder what is going on right now?” After noticing that something is happening with another person, curiosity is open and wonders what could be happening. Being curious and asking questions is the opposite of being judgemental and making assumptions. Once again, this can be challenging depending on the cultures that we live in and the circles that influence us. Making assumptions and being judgemental are the “norm” in a lot of cultures and social circles around the world. Practicing empathy requires recognising this cultural influence to be judgemental and pushing past it to get to a place of openness and curiosity. For example, once we have noticed the child with the distressed body language, we would be curious and ask the question, “I wonder what is happening in this child’s world?” It might be tempting to assume that we know and saying something to ourselves like, “that child is throwing a fit because they are not getting what they want.” But empathy requires openness and curiosity.
Listening is another important part of practicing empathy. Once we have noticed something happening with another person and approached it with curiosity, we can listen with a desire to understand from another person’s perspective. This can sometimes be challenging because it is not always possible for the person who we are trying to understand to speak. Maybe the person is too young to express themselves with words. Maybe the person is too distressed to form words at the moment. In this case, listening involves a peaceful, supportive presence. It is a way of drawing near that says, “I see that you are having a challenging time. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am right here to listen if you want to talk. If you can’t talk or don’t want to, I will stay here with you anyway so that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.” For the child who is showing signs of distress, this might look like saying, “hey buddy, I see that something is going on with you. It is okay to have feelings. I will stay right here with you. If you want to talk about it, I am listening.”
There are many things that stop us from practicing empathy. One is our own comfort level with emotions. If we are uncomfortable with our own emotions, we will likely be uncomfortable with other people’s emotions. This can lead to an impulse to quickly “shut down” another person’s emotions through “fixing” (“Aw, what’s wrong? Here, let me help..”) or dismissing (“You’re okay. It is not that bad.”) To be clear, offering help or encouragement is not wrong or bad. It is just not the same as practicing empathy, which involved more listening than talking and more peaceful presence that active fixing.
As we said in the last episode, the fact is that our brains are hard-wired for empathy. And, it is also a fact that if empathy is not exercised regularly, that part of our brain will weaken, similar to the way that a muscle atrophies when it is unused. Taking steps to notice, be open and curious and listen with a peaceful, supportive presence can help strengthen this part of our brain and help us to practice empathy more often.
As we do for each episode, I would like to conclude our episode today with a practice that you can take with you into your week. For this practice, you will need a sheet of paper or the page of a journal and a pen or a pencil. I would like to ask you to imagine to take a few moments to recall the interactions that you have had with people the past few days. Try to recall a moment when you saw a person who was showing signs of distress or difficulty. This could have been your child, your spouse or partner, your sibling, your friend, your work colleague. Write down who the person was and what signs of distress you can recall. Perhaps the person was crying or yelling or using a voice that sounded strained or anxious. Perhaps the person’s body was tense or their fists were balled up or their face was sad or angry. Write down what you can recall about the person and what you noticed about their demeanour.
Next, write down what you thought in that moment of noticing their distress. Did you make an assumption in that moment about why that person was behaving that way? Or did you practice curiousity and ask yourself, “I wonder what is going on with this person?” Write down your initial reponse to that person when you noticed their distress.
Finally, consider your level of listening. Did you draw near with a desire to understand things from that person’s perspective, or did you rush to fixing, offering suggestions or dismissing with statements like, “You’re okay, it’s not that bad”?
If you were more on the judgemental side rather than the curious side. Or if you were quicker to fix or dismiss over listen. Take a few moments to imagine that situation again. This time, write down what you could have done differently that would have offered empathy in that moment: noticing, being open and curious, being present and listening.
As always, the point of this exercise is not to condemn or bring any feelings of guilt or shame. It is simply to reflect and observe. Once we become aware of where we get stuck in practicing empathy, we become more able to offer it to others. I encourage you to take some time to give this practice a try.