Welcome back to The Stoplight Approach Podcast, where brain science is made simple. I am your host, Sarah Ganger. Before getting into the subject for today’s episode, I wanted to let you all know about an upcoming book release that we at Stoplight are very excited about. The creator and founder of The Stoplight Approach, Cherilyn Orr, has written a book that applies The Stoplight Approach to parenting. The book is called Signals and will be released on the 19th of July in the US and in Canada. It is available for pre-order now on Amazon. Please check it out!
For today’s episode, we will be continuing through the ABC’s of The Stoplight Approach, based on the work of Dr. Daniel Goleman and his book, Emotional Intelligence. In previous episodes, we have discussed A for Awareness, B for Behaviour and C for Connection. Today, we will be covering Moral Identity, which The Stoplight Approach remembers as D for Decision.
Moral Identity answers the questions, “Who Am I?” or “What kind of person do I want to be?” Each day, each person has a choice to make: “Will I live according to my values?” “Will I make choices to be the kind of person I want to be?” Or, to put it another way, “Will I DECIDE to live according to my values?” “Will I DECIDE to be the kind of person I want to be?” Moral Identity involves deciding what type of person we want to be and then deciding to live in a way that aligns with that choice. This is why The Stoplight Approach uses D for DECISION to remember Moral Identity.
We make identity statements all the time, even if just in our own minds. We may not say it out loud, but our minds fill with statements about who we are very often. Some of the statements are negative: “I am dumb. I am ugly. I am worthless. I am a loser.” Some of the statements are positive: “I am kind. I am smart. I am strong. I am helpful.”
A person who has not given much thought to what type of person they want to be is susceptible to listening to and believing whatever identity statements come into their minds, whether they are true or not. It is helpful to pay attention to the identity statements that run through our heads. It can be easy to let them pass through our minds without really evaluating if they are true or without considering what insight they give into what we kind of person we think that we are.
A person who has not given much thought to what type of person they want to be is also susceptible to listening to and believing whatever identity statements others make about them. It is helpful to pay attention to and consider the identity statements that have been made about us by others. Like the ones that we hear in our own heads, these can be positive or negative. Like the ones in our own heads, these can also be true or not true.
Until we take some time to decide for ourselves what our values are and what type of person we want to be, we will be prone to live according to whatever pops into our heads or according to what others say about us. Taking some time to consider who we are and what kind of person we want to be helps us to live with more intentionality, with more purpose and with more confidence, as it gives us an effective and helpful way to evaluate what is important to us and whether or not we are living as if those things are important.
It is also true that: Even when we have evaluated the identity statements that we have thought in our own minds or that we have heard from others. Even when we have considered and made decisions about the kind of person that we want to be. We will still mess up. We can’t be the kind of person that we want to be all the time, every minute of every day. We are human. Humans mess up and make mistakes.
One of the main differences between a person with strong moral identity and one who is less certain of who they are or what type of person they want to be is how they respond to and recover from their mistakes.
A person with a strong moral identity is able to own their mistakes and their failures. They are able to recognize when they have messed up and they are able say, “This is not the type of person I want to be. I messed up. I want to make amends and try again to be the type of person that I want to be.”
A person with a strong moral identity will be honest about what they have done without making excuses or shifting the blame. To the person or people who were affected by their mistake or failure, they will say something like “When I did or said this specific action or word, it didn’t line up with the type of person I want to be or with what I say that I value.”
A person with a strong moral identity will also seek forgiveness when people have been hurt by their mistake or failure. They will say, “When I did or said this, I know that it hurt you. And I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”
A person with a strong moral identity will do something to show that person or those people that they value them and that the relationship is important to them. This could be as simple as writing an encouraging note or speaking something that they are grateful for in that person or those people.
And finally, a person with strong moral identity will make a plan for how to do things differently in the future, saying something like, “In the future, instead of doing this word or action, I am going to try to do this specific word or action instead because that will be more in line with the kind of person I want to be.”
Again. We all make mistakes. It is part of being human. We all fail at being the people we want to be at some point. A person with a strong moral identity will recognize their mistakes, be honest about them, seek forgiveness where that is necessary, show others that they value them and make a plan to try a different way in the future.
A person with a strong moral identity is able to stand up for what they believe in. And they are also able to stand up for others. For example, a person whose moral identity includes “I am kind” will be more likely to speak up for themselves and others who are being treated unkindly. A person whose moral identity includes “I am helpful” will be more likely to step up when they see a situation where a person needs help, even if no one else is stepping up to help.
Back in the very first episode, we discussed the scientific term “neuroplasticity.” It is a big, fancy word which simply means that the brain can change. Making decisions that line up with our moral identity, deciding to be the kind of person that we want to be (and being honest about it and working to change it when we are not!) can actually change our brains. It is the small choices. The little decisions that we make every day. This is what builds the new neural pathways in our brains. Deciding to live in a way that lines up with the kind of person that we want to be, and making honest corrections when we don’t, can actually change the very structure of our brains!
As we do in every episode, I would like to end this episode with a practice that you can take with you into your week. For this practice, you will need a piece of paper or the page of a journal and a pen or pencil. I would like you to write the words “I am” at the top of your page or your paper. Underneath the words “I am” start making a list, filling in that blank. “I am… what?” Write as many words or phrases as you can think of. Write as many things as pop into your head. Don’t worry about how they sound or if they are true. Just write down any word or phrase that comes to mind when you consider “I am”.
When you are finished, take a look at the list that you have written. Circle every word or phrase that is positive. Compare the number of circles to the entire list of words. Is your list mostly positive or mostly negative? Write down how your list leans, toward the positive or toward the negative.
On the next page, or below this list if you have the space, write down the words “Who I want to be”. Underneath these words “Who I want to be”, make another list of words or phrases. What type of person do you want to be? What words or phrases do you want to describe you? Make a list. Once again, don’t worry about how they sound or if they are true, just write down as many as pop into your head when you consider “Who I want to be.”
When you are finished, take a look at this second list that you have written. Circle every word or phrase that is positive. Are there any overlaps between this list and the list from before? Compare the number of circles to the entire list of words. Is your list mostly positive or mostly negative? Write down how your list leans, toward the positive or toward the negative.
As always, this practice is not meant to condemn or bring any feelings of guilt or shame. It is simply to reflect and observe. It is meant to help us begin to gain an understanding of, number one: the identity statements that we have about ourselves and, number two: the identity statements that reveal what type of person we want to be. Until we have this understanding, we cannot make decisions about who we want to be. I encourage you to try this practice out.