Have Some Grace!

If you see things different than me you are wrong of course. And you probably think the same about me. If I work with you, go to school with you, am married to you, I just need to get away from you because your different worldview is harming me. 
Sounds extreme doesn't it? But this is how many people operate. 
Maybe there is another way, through humility and grace. 

Transcript

My wife can be a patient person, as she has had to be with me over the years, but that is not her default position. As the saying goes, no grass grows on her, because she is quick and productive. I’m slower. I have often said that when she thinks something should be done, she wants it to be already finished. That kind of irritates me. I realized the other day that I’m impatient with her impatience. Isn’t that hilarious? I’m impatient with her impatience. Usually when we judge somebody else, we have some distance from their flaw that we are judging. While I don’t do impatience the same way she does, I’m frustrated with her about something that is also in my life.  

Most people justify their judgement of other people because they don’t do what they are judging. Angry because that driver ahead of you didn’t use their turn signal? You probably use your turn signal religiously. Frustrated at your family member who cooks your favorite dish that way? You most likely have a recipe you like for how to do it the right way. 

In “discussions” with your spouse or children do you walk away when the other will just dog you to talk when you know things are too heated? Or just the opposite, you will stick with a problem wanting to talk it out when they just walk away? Differences between people can seem like one is wrong and the other is right because we don’t think we make the same mistakes. 

We can justify our judgement of other people because we don’t do what we are judging. How does that scripture go? “…why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” 

I once heard a comedian say,” don’t you just hate people who hate people?” Think about it. That saying sums it up, “don’t you just hate people who hate people?” shows our hypocrisy inherent in any judgement. No one stands above all other flawed people able to judge them.

When I was a teenager, I remember a man who always sat near the back in our church; he would softly make wisecracks all through the service about what was going on. His comments were often critical of what was said or done by leaders. We laughed along with him, he was funny. If you asked him, I believe he would have said he was just joking, but I always suspected he was serious.

It’s not just him, it is me, it is you.   

Judging is what we do; it is a natural thing. Evaluating things and actions around us is useful. We are constantly refining what we want to be doing ourselves, what we want our family to be doing and what we believe is best behavior. Morals and laws give guidelines for judgement. The judging isn’t going to stop. But is it helpful? Can we take a humble stance recognizing that though we may not have the sin of someone else, we have our own sins? 

There is a saying about fantasy, that to enjoy it you have to “suspend disbelief.” Time travel and superpowers are not realistic but can make for exciting stories. To get into them you have to “suspend disbelief.” 

Apply this to our natural tendency to judge; suspend judgement. This is a useful idea for living a mindful, peaceful life. Yes, it is automatic to size things up, to see if you like it or not, to notice whether something feels comfortable to you or not. As an example, we react to smells of food from other cultures not like our own; we may or may not like it. But it doesn’t make their cooking wrong. It also doesn’t make you wrong to not choose it.

I’m not proposing a fuzzy place where everything is equal, bad behavior can be explained so it is not really bad. “let’s just be non-judgmental.” We will make judgements and will carry through on what we see as better for us. But many times, suspending judgement can allow for humility and clarity that others have their ways of doing things and seeing the world. 

This is the best way forward I can see to being a kind and connected person. I can’t be non-judgmental; I judge by reflex without meaning to do so. So do you. But we can learn to notice the judgement and set it aside in the service of connecting or at least understanding others. Catch that judgement before it comes out of your mouth as a critical comment. Evaluate that judgement as your viewpoint in that moment but be curious why the other sees things differently. 

Couples who come to counseling seem often intent on highlighting the differences between each other and arguing that they (each) are right, and the other is wrong. When it is not abuse, it is often just difference, not moral superiority. Each of us grew up in our unique households, with our temperaments, our siblings, our life experiences, which taught us what “normal” is. But our “normal” often conflicts with our mate’s or friend’s normal. We have lenses by which we see the world, and others are just wearing different glasses. They are not wrong; we are not wrong. 

Try this with me. Get still and comfortable, close your eyes if safe to do so. Try to relax. Consider your relationships. Think of the idea of judgement. Judgement and you, judgement and your family, judgement and your friends. What pictures, feelings or thought come to mind? Are there places you have some guilt for how you judge? Do certain people come to mind you feel justified in judging? Maybe the person you judge most harshly is yourself. Is there anything you need to do about what comes to mind. Can you receive and give some grace?