🎙️The 360 Method: Sibling Dynamics: Chaos, Co-regulation, and Cooperation

Join us in this enlightening episode of Sibling Dynamics: Chaos, Co-regulation, and Cooperation, where we delve deep into the intricate dynamics of siblings within neurodiverse families. Hosted by Stacy Badon, a seasoned Autism 360 parent coach and sensory enrichment therapist, this episode uncovers the often overlooked complexities and nuances of sibling relationships in households with autistic children.

From the outset, Stacy sets the stage by highlighting the inherent chaos and unique challenges that come with raising multiple children, especially when one is neurodivergent. Through candid discussion and compassionate insight, she invites listeners to explore the multifaceted nature of sibling dynamics, extending beyond just biological siblings to cousins and close family friends who share significant social interactions.

Drawing from her wealth of experience as an autism educator and advocate, Stacy emphasizes the critical role of parent empowerment in understanding and supporting autistic identities within the family dynamic. With unwavering determination, she seeks to reshape societal perceptions of autism while championing the inherent strengths and advocacy potential of siblings within neurodiverse families.

Throughout the episode, Stacy unveils practical strategies for navigating the daily challenges and celebrating the unique opportunities that arise within sibling relationships. From addressing feelings of jealousy and guilt to fostering open communication and understanding, she offers invaluable insights into nurturing healthy sibling bonds amidst the complexities of neurodiversity.

Listeners are invited to embark on a journey of discovery, where Stacy delves into the special feelings and experiences of siblings, providing actionable guidance for parents and caregivers alike. Through thoughtful reflection and community engagement, this episode encourages a deeper understanding of sibling dynamics within the context of autism, empowering families to thrive and flourish together.

To watch the full webinar with Stacy, download the Autism 360 app at Autism360.com and gain invaluable insights. 

Autism 360 App - 7 Day free trial

Transcript

0:00

I am going to get started because we are talking about the sibling dynamics and when we think of siblings, we think chaos. If we have a neurodivergent kiddo, we think. Co regulation. And if we're a parent, we think cooperation, right? We're thinking of all the dynamics that come with having more than one child in the household and sibling dynamics, just for the sake of not having to say this over and over again during the presentation. But I do want everyone to understand that when I speak of sibling dynamics, I'm also speaking of cousins that come over or family friends where you spend a lot of time as a family together with your children together, because I do think that there is something to be said about cousins that children spend a lot of time with as well as family friends that share in social activities, or you just hang out at each other's house. So this is the dynamic of siblings and what happens and what do we do. And all of that good stuff. So I'm going to get this out of the way in terms of who am I? My name is Stacey Badon. I have been with Autism 360 as a parent coach and a sensory enrichment therapist. And I am a believer in the impact of parent empowerment. I think when parents understand their child's autistic identity, then they are able to support their child's needs and advocate for them as they grow. And I also am a person who is determined to shift the knowledge on the perspective of autistic individuals. And that's why we're here today. Because I think that siblings have a lot of power as advocates for our autistic kiddos and even siblings that are all neurodivergent because many of our families. You may have more than one sibling, but you also may have more than one neurodivergent kiddo. I am also an autism educator in terms of I teach autistic kiddos. I coach and educate autistic parents. And and that is autistic parents of autistic children. I also advocate for the autistic community. I'm an ally for the community. I think allistics is the term that some folks use, and I appreciate everything autism. So one of the things that I do appreciate is the sibling relationship when it comes to our kiddos. And sometimes we just have one child, right? We don't all have multiple siblings, but we are talking about the sibling dynamic. And what we are going to do is explore the dynamics between siblings and families with autistic children. I plan to uncover some of those unique challenges as well as the unique opportunities that I think it creates for families. I will share some practical strategies for navigating your daily life among siblings within the home, the community, and sometimes it spills into the school setting, but some of you may be homeschooling. So that's also a school setting in my eyes. The other thing is you. We'll have an opportunity to connect with a community of parents and caregivers during our Q& A. I do think that we learn from one another when we ask questions, or when we don't ask questions. Usually someone asks something that we are thinking. So we're going to get started with siblings and their special feelings. One of the things that a lot of parents and caregivers. Hold as a weight is the other child who was not autistic, the sibling, the new baby, feeling that all of the children are not getting the same amount of attention, right? And what is the sibling of my autistic kiddo feeling? They have unique feelings, right? Some may feel alone, neglected. about the extra attention given to the autistic sibling. But I also believe that's not necessarily because the sibling is autistic. I think that some people's personalities and children come with their own personalities. I know it's hard to believe that, but they actually do. And some folks just have an innate need for attention on them, but also some people have a little bit more jealousy than others. And I don't think that jealousy from this perspective is. is a negative. I think of jealous as, I want what they have, right? Which may be just that extra attention. And that happens in sibling sets. When you have a new baby, the new baby gets more attention and the only child for three or four years doesn't get the one on one anymore because there's another baby in the family. This is just part of growing as a family. However, with siblings that have an autistic sibling, usually the diagnosis is the blame, right? That's where the blame we feel comes from. That's where they feel it comes from. Often you may have children express that they wish they had problems, right? So they could get attention. And these are things that children are expressing. Remember they're children, they're immature. Their feelings are valid, but. I don't think it's necessarily anything to take to heart where you think that it's a horrible thing, right? These are honest feelings and we're going to talk about how can we validate these feelings, but also have that sibling bond that we all look for in our kiddos. Sometimes siblings even try to ease the burden of the parents, right? By not asking for anything, feeling guilty if they ask for help because they know the other sibling may need a little bit more they may feel a little guilty about the fact that they don't have a diagnosis. And they're able to maybe do some things that their sibling is not able to participate because of sensory reasons. Or maybe there are other reasons that they're not able to participate. So thinking in terms of these are human instinct feelings, but they are specific to, siblings of autistic children. And sometimes you even get a little bit of embarrassment, right? Where they resent having to bring their sibling along or what are people thinking? And all of these special feelings come at different phases of development. They don't all come at once. I know as parents, we think and worry about our kiddos and how are they feeling? Are they feeling like they're getting enough attention? But don't think that all of these feelings are happening at once. Children go in and out of these feelings at different times of their life. And there are certain times where even as they get older, the children may consider how they have to care for their sibling. And that's a valid Concerns some people actually have children so that their child with autism will have a sibling to care for them when the parents are no longer there. And that's what a family is right? Taking care of 1 another. Thinking in terms of. We need to acknowledge and recognize that there are special feelings that siblings of autistic individuals have. And we have to think about how can parents help in navigating those feelings. And that starts with explaining the disability to the sibling, explaining what autism is. The only way you can explain that as a parent or caregiver is for you to understand, but you can learn with your child, right? And it's important to explain as early and talk about it as often as possible because we don't want. The diagnosis of autism to be something of shame when we don't talk about it, that gives a message to the sibling and the autistic child that it's something to be ashamed of. It's an invisible disability. So that's why we have to explain, a lot of things we have to explain involve. Why does my sibling have to stem right? Why are they moving all of the time? When we explain that to the other children whether it's cousins or siblings, they actually get it, right? So thinking in terms of those reactions of children and how they can change over time in regards to their recognition of where they are with their siblings. The other situation is explaining what the disability is and what to expect, right? Why are we going to therapy? What are they doing? And so Speech therapy. What is the goal for occupational therapy? Why do we have all of these sensory things in our household? And believe it or not, the siblings of the autistic kiddos actually pick up on On some of the strategies a little bit quicker than the parents do. It's funny how children seem to navigate things a little bit easier than the adults do. And I think it's because children are just open to those experiences and children are just open to Learning things, right? They're just open to it a little bit more than adults are. Thinking about how we explain that can look like a book. It can look like a video. It can look like you making a book or a photo album or a social study. About your kiddo. You can read something general. I think it's important to explain autism to the sibling as it pertains to the individual autistic child. So yes, you can do a general story or a video and talk about the differences in communication, the differences in sensory processing, but. Bring it back to the child that is actually diagnosed. And how do they communicate different? What is their challenge around communication? And what are the things that they do really well? And what are the strengths they have because of their sensory processing because of the way they process information because of that neurodivergent brain. So thinking in terms of not just explaining the generic term of. What is autism to the sibling and using books and using videos, but explaining it. In relation to their sibling, and we'll talk about that throughout some of the strategies. So books are great. I always recommend that you vet a YouTube video or vet a book. And that's not my favorite word vet, but it is a way to look at something before you share it with your children, because you do want to make sure that it is aligned with your Your perception of autism with your goals for your child, but more so how you are approaching the supports that you provide for your child. So just make sure that you look at it 1st and it's also perfectly fine. And actually, I think it's beneficial if you just let the sibling. No, this is what we know. Now we don't have all the answers. We're going to learn along the way and you can learn with us. That's perfectly fine, right? That's part of the process for parents, but also for the siblings in terms of learning that. So when we think about explaining it, and I'm just going to go over this quickly, you will have this handout. When you think about explaining what autism is to the sibling or even to the autistic individual, and you're using books or videos or all of those things, you also want to keep in mind the developmental Phase of understanding things, right? We don't have to over explain to preschoolers. Preschoolers are pretty much not able to express themselves and their feelings accurately. So we don't want to ask them lots of questions about how do you feel being the sister or brother of an autistic child, right? How do we feel? They're four. They feel one way. Even we have feelings that shift. But remember, when you are giving information, sharing the understanding where they are and noticing the differences, being able to understand their feelings and express them and how they express them. And as they get older, they may notice that differences because in school they see the differences or they go to more extracurricular events with neighborhood peers. And so they may see the differences even though they have accepted their sibling that is neurodivergent, they may not know any difference. Because this is what they know. They know neurodivergent and they meet other kids who are not. So that is something that they are becoming aware of in the school age. And you want to have those conversations. You want to make sure that your kiddo is not getting to the stage of or I say you want to discern If your child is doing something to gain attention because they're missing you or needing your attention and weed that out, right? And that just comes from knowing your kiddo. The other thing is, remember school aged kids, even though they may know their feelings a little bit more, it's still conflicting, right? It's am I mad? Am I angry? I don't really know which one I am, right? Am I just frustrated? So having those terms to model for your kids, not necessarily label can help them during that school age. And remember your adolescent is an adolescent developmentally. So they're going to maybe dig a little more and ask more detailed questions. They're going to be concerned, possibly about how they can fit in with their sibling. That's autistic. Do they have to be responsible? They may start to feel embarrassed. Because as teenagers, we're embarrassed about our own selves. That's part of that developmental phase. So I say this to say, don't take it personal. Don't feel like you have failed as a parent. Don't feel that your child is a horrible person. If they're having these feelings, this is developmentally what all kids go through. And we're just connecting it to having a sibling that is also autistic. And we forget that our adolescents do worry about their sibling who has a disability, even though we don't talk about it or put that burden on them. They do take that on, especially older sisters. All right. So we talked a little bit about the sibling dynamic, the feelings. We talked about how you can explain, because I do think just like parents should be empowered. If the siblings are empowered, if the cousins are empowered, if the family, friends, children are empowered, and they understand autism, that it is so much easier for them. For you to do the things that I'm going to talk about in regards to strategies that incorporate siblings, cousins and family friends. And 1 of the things that I encourage parents to do is give each of your children a regularly scheduled special time with either both parents or parents alone. It can be something simple like driving in the truck with dad, right? Or driving in the truck with grandpa, running to the store to run an errand with mom. A lot of times children just want a little bit of one on one time, especially the older children who have younger ones coming along, right? But even twins will sometimes at a certain point, want to have things they do without the other sibling. Most twins like to hang out together, but they get to those phases where they may want to do different things with different parents because they have different interests. And as they grow older, they have similar interests, but then they have different interests. And so they can explore that. But thinking in terms of your family activities, they don't all have to be done with everyone at the same time. And when I say to give each child plan time, It doesn't have to be long. The sibling that is eight years old and has a three year old brother that's autistic who is going to therapy, working on strategies, mom's making visuals, dad's doing sensory input, they are not needing two, three hours a day of your time. Most of the time it's 12, 18, 20 minutes of one on one. That can be your autistic kiddo in a sensory activity or watching their favorite YouTube videos for 20 30 minutes, depending on the age of your other sibling, and you making cookies together, or you just hanging out watching a show together, right? Playing a game on your technology. So it doesn't have to be a lot. I think that's where we get caught up in feeling overwhelmed as parents that we have to divvy up the time between the siblings. We're running to therapy. We're doing paperwork. We're running to meetings. We're filling out forms right for services and we feel that we don't have time to give to the other sibling. But guess what? They really don't need that much. They really don't. Even something simple as letting them, depending on their age, of course, stay up 20, 30 minutes longer to have that one on one time. Yes, you're tired. They're tired too. It's not like you're going to have to do anything exhausting, but thinking about how that works for your family. What I want you to take away from this is thinking of that one on one time alone. Thinking of giving each kiddo something that they can do that involves their own interests and also encouraging them. If you have a kiddo that's autistic and they love trains or the weather, or they love airplanes and you spend a lot of time at the airport, think about the other kiddo, right? I'm sure that it's exciting to go to the air show, but remember your other child that is not autistic. And even if they are autistic, If you have two kids that are autistic and three kids that are autistic, one has an interest that's very strong in one area. That doesn't mean the other child can't pursue their own interest. Everyone doesn't have to play soccer. Everyone doesn't have to play. Do dance. Everyone doesn't have to have a sport. Some people are creative. So encourage each of your children to pursue their own interest and figure out how to navigate that schedule. That's always the tough part. Thanks. All right, the other thing I think is important. These are little things that will help those feelings of feeling neglect, feeling like I'm not getting, I'm getting enough attention. These are things that I'm sharing with you that can help. These are strategies to help minimize those feelings from interfering in your day to day activities. And 1 of the things that I think is really important is to have a special place for personal things. So 1 of the things that I often get push back from on parents when I'm doing coaching is if my autistic child likes to have everything lined up and it takes up all of the floor and no 1 else can play with it and no 1 else can do anything with it, then that's not fair to my other kids. And they all have to follow these rules or we're going to have a meltdown. Yes, that happens. But guess what? If your autistic kiddo has a special place, they need to put things lined up where they need to have things in a certain order. Give your other child a space to have their things in a certain order, right? Instead of battling the autistic need for order or the autistic need for play in terms of patterns, don't fight it. Just find a way. For the other child to have a way to put their things in a special place, right? Recognize the strengths and talents of each of your kiddos and allow them to have their things. In terms of markers, I had a little girl who really was into art and she had all these special markers and pens and colored pencils. And her older sibling was autistic and liked to go and dig in her art supplies. Just because her sibling is autistic doesn't mean the sibling gets to dig through all of the things to avoid a meltdown. We can set boundaries. We can have a place for her supplies that the child cannot get access to. We can use visual supports to clearly indicate these are for her, not for you. And yes, we can. They may be a little upset. Yes, they may want to get into those art supplies. But if you use the strategies of visual supports, prepping them for knowing what to expect, setting those boundaries ahead of time, not waiting, being proactive, become empowered about knowing what your autistic kiddo needs. And guess what? You can put all of these strategies in place and everything will work out. The idea is not for everyone to be happy about not getting what they want. It's about responding in a way. That fosters cooperation, collaboration, and less chaos. The other thing is encouraging those development of friendships outside of the family. I think that siblings are a great trial and error, right? For us to figure out how to navigate the world. Siblings Are the folks that we can argue with, we can fight with, we can, learn about turn taking and how to negotiate. And so when we go into the world when I say the world, the workplace college, the workplace, the adult navigating, then we hopefully have some of those skills that we've developed based on having siblings. But I think it's also important to develop friendships outside of the family. And I think it's in. Great to have friendships outside the family that include other families in the autism community. There is nothing wrong with your child who has a non autistic sibling, your autistic child that has a non autistic sibling to have friends or cousins that come over that are also autistic. It's very important for neurodivergent, neurodivergent kiddos to hang out and know other neurodivergent kiddos. It's not a secret. Remember if we talk about it, if we understand it, if we explain it, then it makes things so much easier. One of the things that sometimes happens is a child is concerned about how a friend may react to their sibling. You can role play some of those conversations. And sometimes it's just explaining and setting the rules. I will give a perfect example. I recently went to Guatemala and volunteered at a children's center and there was a little autistic kiddo and he was there with his siblings. And then, of course, the kids that are there every day, they all live in the same neighborhood. And he was lining up the animals as he does every day. And he lines up the animals every day in the same exact spot. So what I found was so humorous was that when the children came over. Near his things. He took his whole body and just made a canopy over it. As if to signal nobody touched my things that are lined up. This is my play. This is my space. And guess what? All the other kids did. They left it alone and they went somewhere else and played. I think that we have forgotten how to allow children to work out their own differences. And actually, children are more inclusive until the adults intervene, right? Until we come in and say, oh, wait, don't knock down the things. Oh, wait, move your thing somewhere else. No one said anything. No adult interference, no adult surveying. They worked it out and it was a mutual respect, which I appreciate it. And you would be surprised when we step back how the siblings will have a mutual respect for the autistic kiddo and vice versa. The autistic sibling will have a mutual respect For the non autistic sibling when we just step back, right? We can educate, we can empower, but we can sometimes step back. We don't have to intervene. We actually sometimes make it worse when we intervene because they can actually figure it out. They actually do a pretty good job of figuring that out. Now, in terms of this concept of a family in a household, someone feeling like they have to take on all of the chores, someone feeling culturally like it's their responsibility, older siblings being felt or older siblings feeling the possible burden of having to do a lot of things because they're the oldest. That's part of being in a family, right? Life is not fair. We move on. It is what it is. And the reality is everyone in the family has a responsibility and should have responsibility. So the family unit can work together within the home with less chaos and more collaboration, more cooperation. Not collaboration, cooperation. And thinking in terms of reducing that feeling of overburdened, if everybody knows what their responsibilities are, then it's good, right? You know what you're supposed to do. You know what you're supposed to do. We're not all responsible, or one person's not responsible for everything. Yes, sometimes it's not going to be fair. Yes, sometimes one person has to pick up the slack for the other folks in the family. That is part of life and being in a family. And it fluctuates. It may be 2 years where 1 of your children needs a lot of support. That may be your autistic child. And then 2 years where another 1 of your children who may not be autistic needs your support for whatever reason. So it's not about equal time all the time throughout life. It's about what does one sibling need more than the other sibling needs at this time, and how can we work together and cooperate so that when we do feel the burden, we don't feel like there's a fairness, we can talk about it, right? But we understand our responsibilities. I think that's super important, and I also think it helps to reduce those heavy feelings that the sibling dynamic brings on when there is an autistic child in the family. Okay. Autistic siblings should have the same rules as often as possible. Now, when I say the same rules, thinking in terms of if you have a no phone, children cannot use your adult phone. Like I have a phone, a rule, children do not have access to my personal phone. No children, my children, my students, No one has access to my phone. That's my rule, right? It applies to everyone. If you have a rule, you should have your rules apply to all of your children, but you can make adjustments. For example, if the rule is sitting down for mealtime, I had a family that was really concerned because the other two children had to sit for mealtime and their autistic kiddo would not sit at mealtime and they just wanted him to sit. He wasn't able to sit because he'd gone to school all day. He was dysregulated and he needed to move his body and sitting at the table with everyone talking and everyone eating was sensory over like overwhelming. For this child. So we had a system in place where he had a mat and he could stand at the table, but the mat was the boundary and he could move his feet and move his body. So we talked about that with the other siblings, right? We talked about, we know this is the rule, but this is how we're accommodating it so that he is at the table. He's just standing really simple. And I'm going to talk a little bit about some of those things you can do in terms of communicating, but the rules should be our boundaries should be set for all children. They just may look different on how you implement them. Let's just put it that way. All right. Appropriate consequences as well, right? If you've made a clear boundary and the boundaries have been broken and you know your child, then whatever consequences you have within your family expectations, it should follow through. I'm not talking about punishment. I'm talking about keeping in mind that not only is, does it feel uncomfortable for the non autistic child that they always get reprimanded, but the autistic child does not. The autistic sibling needs to know boundaries as well. That's how we become adults that are responsible and accountable. So you're not doing your child a favor, your autistic child a favor if you don't have those boundaries. But of course, you're going to have strategies in place and support their needs so that they can follow with those boundaries. But children are children. And Boundaries need to be set. That's what I'll say on that 1 for all siblings and you can explain if you have to make accommodations. The other thing is just find opportunities to say something nice. We get caught up in the. little small skills that our autistic kiddo does and we get all excited and we forget to compliment the non autistic sibling. We forget because our expectation is that they're supposed to automatically be doing everything and we don't relish in the things that they do. So remember, It doesn't mean you have to give stars all day long, but just remember to say something and recognize them and try not to overdo it with the autistic kiddo. Cause it's annoying to autistic kids. If you talk to autistic adults, they say how they hated when they were kids, that everything they did, people said, good job. Oh my gosh. And clapped and did a high five for everything they did. So just be a little conscious of that. All right. Now this one can be tricky. But it's important in regards to communication, right? If you can enlist help from relatives, if you have family support, if your relatives are family or friends that you have chosen what you want to do is you can sometimes give siblings time away from the house if they feel like they need it to spend with other family members. You can have, regular family meetings, I encourage this because with your small unit family in the home, it's great to talk about. What are the communication strategies we're implementing? What are the things we're all going to reinforce? How are we all going to implement the device this week? What new sensory activities are we going to provide? And who's going to make sure that they're done? Family meetings don't have to be overly formal, but I think it's great for siblings and parents to sit together and include the autistic child in these short meetings to discuss things that you're going to implement. You want everyone to be able to air their feelings, positive or negative communication. is important. We can't address the challenges if we don't know what they are, right? Encourage questions, clarify misunderstandings, right? Sometimes the non autistic sibling doesn't understand why you keep giving the snack to the autistic child that they can't get snack as often. And it's because you're excited that they're communicating. You're excited they're initiating. You're so excited they're eating something new. We don't realize we're giving them like. Lots and lots of it and how it looks to the other sibling. So it's not that you have to stop. It's not that you have to give the other sibling exactly what the autistic child is getting, giving, getting, sorry, but you do need to talk about it. Talk about the stresses, give them an opportunity to express their disgruntlement, even though they may be accepting. It doesn't mean they're not sometimes disgruntled. Parents are accepting, but sometimes you're frustrated, right? And you should be able to have that outlet and you should be able to Validate the feelings of a child who may feel that they have extra responsibilities because they have an autistic sibling. The other thing is model, a calm attitude of coping, communicating and problem solving. Because if you're doing it with your spouse and your family members, then your children will learn that because you're modeling it. Just a really simple thing that we get busy and caught up, but it's important. We're going to start with some questions soon, but we have a few more slides to go through. I wanted to talk a little bit about helping siblings form a relationship because this is important to parents, right? That relationship of your siblings, the bond. It can be very different when children communicate differently and so helping the non autistic sibling understand how to communicate with their autistic sibling who may communicate differently involves a few things, right? Talk to them about how to gain their attention if a has a problem. Autistic kiddo is hyper focused in something and their sibling is calling their name. They're not going to respond to you or the sibling, right? So talk about why it's important for them to get their attention. Talk to the sibling about how it's important to use the visual supports, to give simple instructions in a language that works best for the autistic kiddo, right? Remember the autistic kiddo has to make a lot of adjustments because they're the ones that have the diagnosis. And the disability, the non autistic child can make some adjustments, especially when it comes to communication and sensory needs. You want to help them find a common interest, right? I shared a story on one of the email send outs and I will share it now. I think it's appropriate in terms of the next two points of letting siblings choose the level of intensity of involvement with each other. Thank you. And having that common interest, there was a young boy that I was working with, and he had a older brother and the older brother was not autistic, and he was a basketball player for his school, and he really wanted to share basketball with his younger brother, who just happened to be autistic. Didn't really care for basketball, wasn't really interested in basketball but he wanted to share that, right? That sibling bond. He wanted to share that with his little brother. And so he came to me and said, I don't know what to do. I'm really frustrated because I want to share basketball. And I said this is what we can do. Let's figure out what. He enjoys doing and how we can fit that into basketball. And it may just look different. So we did. And what they ended up doing was playing basketball where they took turns, right? The younger sibling understood turn taking and he loved to throw the ball, which was also really good sensory input for him. So they did turn taking where they just shot the ball in the hoop or the net. Clearly, I'm not a basketball person, but they took turns and kept score. And that is how they played. They did it differently. They didn't do the regular game of trying to get the ball, but They worked it out. We put in a little bit of structure for the autistic kiddo. We played the sport that the older brother wanted, and we just tweaked it a little bit so that they could both participate at a level of intensity that worked for both of them and had a common interest so they could engage as brothers. And they ended up making it a regular Saturday morning thing. We can support them, right? We can help them. We can guide them with these simple strategies and just step back and let them figure it out. The other thing I encourage you to do to help form those sibling relationships is praise good play, which is all play. If your autistic kiddo is lining things up and their sibling wants to line things up, let them. Now, usually the autistic kid doesn't really want them to line up with them. However, they may figure out a way to get in there and make it into a game and that's okay. Any play is good play. We want to praise that, right? And praise something specific I love the way you both took turns. I love the way you all negotiated which game you were going to play, right? Let them work some of that out. We don't always have to swoop in. Remember, we're empowering and educating the sibling so that they have skills they can implement and strategies to implement as well. All right, let's do a quick recap. And the first thing is we have to recognize the unique dynamic of siblings, right? Recognize the age level, recognize the feelings that they have. But we certainly need to recognize the dynamic of siblings in terms of Sim wings are going to squabble and that's not always a bad thing. It's how we learn to negotiate. It's how we learn to navigate relationships. I'm not saying that children should be hitting, kicking, spitting, and attacking one another. I'm saying that when my parents come to me and say, Oh my goodness, we have a problem. My autistic kiddo keeps going to get the ribbons of my older daughter and he likes to stem with them. That's what younger siblings do. They go take the things of their older siblings. That's what they do, right? That's what they do. The job of the younger sibling is to annoy the older sibling. And the job of the older sibling is to set boundaries and limitations and be the boss of the younger kids, right? That's like the dynamic. So if you understand that, then you're able to also recognize those moments of My child, my autistic child is just being a typical sibling, right? We miss that because we're always looking at it from an autistic lens of something going wrong, right? We're always looking at the behavior of something. Sibling squabbling over something is It's a beautiful thing. Yes, it's annoying, but it's a good thing. It's a part of social engagement. All right. The second thing is acknowledging and validating the feelings of each sibling. That is the sibling that is autistic. If all of your children are autistic, we need to validate their feelings. Even if we don't understand them, even if it doesn't make sense to us, even if it's overly dramatic and irrational, validate it, empower them, think of strategies and be proactive. And that brings me to the third one of being proactive. Plan ahead. Plan ahead on what games you're going to bring. What games can they play when their cousins come over? Be proactive in how you're going to navigate birthday parties. If you have more than 1 child, right? Sometimes that can get tricky when it comes to sensory needs. The other thing is learn to let go and let be. Really with siblings. Sometimes we just have to let it be. I will share a story before I tell you the fourth one. And the story involves a sibling set where a five year old little girl who was not autistic had a three year old little brother who was diagnosed as autistic. And the little brother would not participate in any activities with Any of his therapist or his parents when it came to doing his fine motor skill practice, right? He needed to do some of these activities for sensory proprioceptive, but also for fine motor skill development and motor planning. He just was not interested in anything when the adults tried to introduce it. The 5 year old saw what the adults were trying to do. She took the initiative, brought her little brother to the floor in the hallway and started doing the activities with him. Let go and let be. Luckily, the parents didn't intervene, didn't ask her what she was doing. They just let it be. And you'd be amazed. Bigger sisters actually have a lot of power over younger brothers. I know I'm stereotyping, but they really do. So sometimes it's good to let them teach a new skill. Because there's just a sibling dynamic there that is The fourth thing is give yourself a little grace. And know that you can always reset. It's okay if you didn't make the right choice. It's okay if you forgot to be proactive. It's okay if you did not validate feelings. You can still do it the next time. You can apologize for forgetting. You really can just be honest about you your mistakes and apologize. Sometimes parents have to apologize. What I want you to remember is this. You as caregivers and parents have the power to set the tone of acceptance and support. If you set the tone of acceptance and support, your child's sibling will set the tone of acceptance and support. Children are watching you. They model what they see. If you are honest about your mistakes, if you apologize, if you give yourself grace, guess what? Your children will as well. Your siblings of autistic children will as well. Your autistic children will as well. Parents have the power to set the tone for strategies being implemented with consistency, for siblings accepting and supporting their autistic sibling, for siblings advocating for their autistic sibling in the community and at school. You have that power and you can share that power and you can pass on that power to the siblings by modeling that you really can. And I have to be honest. A lot of times the parents learn from the siblings. A lot of times, the sibling of an autistic individual is more accepting and supportive than the adults are. And we learn from the children. The last thing that I want to share is if you have. All of your children diagnosed as neurodivergent. If you only have 2 of your children out of 3 diagnosed as neurodivergent, keep in mind that you will have to make adjustments into how that sibling dynamic is managed based on communication differences and based on sensory differences because what can be over simulating for 1 kiddo is not for another, or maybe someone needs it, input, but it's very overwhelming for another child. So you have to navigate that in a little bit of a different way. And I think that we are moving to questions. And thank you for asking the question, even though I know that it can be very emotional and exhausting. What do you do when their child is injuring their sibling because of the meltdown? I left the room for 2 minutes and heard them fighting on serial got it. Okay. So when it comes to. Meltdowns occurring and someone becoming harmful to themselves or others, specifically siblings. For example, in Guatemala, the little 4 year old was pinching his 2 year old sister's cheeks, right? And his mommy's cheeks and really painful. Now, he wasn't doing that out of anger or to be harmful. He was getting really good sensory input. So once we knew that, We gave a replacement activity, and then he didn't need to use their cheeks for sensory input. He could use the items that we gave him. So that's 1 where we look at the sensory component. However, I think that it is important for parents to discuss with siblings during the family meetings. What do we do in case of a meltdown? Where do you go to be safe? What is their safe area? Yes, I know kids are quick. But I will say this is important because this is how we navigate the classroom. When I was an educator and I had nine students, all autistic, no paraeducator, no therapist with me, the majority of the day, I was alone with nine autistic students, lots of structure in place, but sometimes a meltdown would occur, right? Sometimes a meltdown would occur. And I had already Put in proactive strategies. I had already prepped my students. I had already had meetings about what we do when Michael has a meltdown. Where do you go when a meltdown occurs? Because other kids try to help, or they get Stuck in circle of possible wax when a meltdown is occurring, because we know a meltdown is not something that is intentional. And autistic individuals are not trying to harm anyone during a meltdown. They're just responding to the sensory system that is not able to regulate and respond differently. They're responding to the environment. So thinking in terms of. Having a place, right? Where do you go when your autistic sibling seems to get upset or does something right? Have a place, talk about it. It's like a fire drill, right? Fire drill practice. Because it's a crisis when a meltdown occurs, the autistic child is in crisis. That is what they are experiencing is overwhelming. Oh, my gosh. I'm so overwhelmed right now. It's not a fun place to be for anyone, the person having meltdown or the other person. So thinking in terms of proactively prepping for those circumstances, but also figuring out how you can use visual supports so that everybody knows who serial is whose and how much cereal they get. Yes, that takes planning. Yes, it requires a little bit of work, but it minimizes the chaos. It really does minimize the chaos. And I think that when the non autistic child understands the perspective of their autistic sibling and why a meltdown is occurring, it makes it easier for them to respond as well. All right. Oh, this is a good one. Any tips for a younger sibling copying everything their older sibling does? My three year old is copying his four year old. Autistic sister, he has to touch her all the time. And when she has a meltdown, she gets on the ground and copies her. He's too young and I get it. He's a toddler. What I think is happening is, this is always a really cute scenario. This scenario is in terms of sometimes times the younger sibling is just trying to find a way to connect, right? So if I mimic what they're doing, then maybe we can connect, right? And I don't think there's anything wrong with mimicking unless it's bothering the sibling that is being mimicked. Now, if the touching is overwhelming then you can use a social story for your non autistic kiddo. I don't know if he's diagnosed or not, but you can use social stories and talk about these things before they occur. So that everybody knows what to do. I know we talk a lot about autistic individuals need to know what to expect, but the reality is all children need to know what to expect. They need to know what are the boundaries? What's going to happen if and how do I do this? When we send children in to go clean their room and they say they're done and we walk in and we say, Oh, you're not done. Your clothes are not in the closet. Did we tell them that was part of what clean room looks like children's perception is different than ours. So we have to be very specific. And with our kids, we want to use visuals. My, recommendation besides, what I think is going on is find things that they can do together and then do turn taking around giving her space as well so that he understands she needs time or she's not being touched or doesn't have him in her space and then find the time where they can do something together so that he doesn't need to seek out that social engagement with her. Yeah, it's toddlers are difficult to manage in general. Even I love the social dynamics of preschoolers. It's just funny to watch them on the playground. And 1 of the things I will also encourage you all. I just mentioned some strategies in regards to visual and sensory. I highly recommend. There's a QR code because this will be available on the application for you to rewatch, but you can also get a 7 day trial of the application. And we have. Resources and videos and courses where we talk about those visual strategies, where we talk about the sensory strategies. So I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity of being here live scanning this QR code with your phone. If you have it now go on the website, download the app, do your trial and see what else we have to offer. There's lots of good strategies that you can incorporate that help with the sibling dynamic that are not within this slide. And there was a question. That someone wanted to, and this is great. I appreciate them bringing this up in terms of the diagnosis of Asperger's and kids who are maybe very verbal where they may have some of those social nuances, or do I share that with the other sibling? The question specifically is, I have a daughter that is nine and she's been diagnosed with Asperger's. What would be an appropriate time to let the six year old brother know? And I would say now, right? We're going to have resources after this presentation that you will have access to where I have resources that I've put together to help you explain that to help them understand that. And the reason I say that is because children know. When something is different and different is okay. I know we have society norms where we think we're all supposed to be in everyone. And we're supposed to. It's not that way. Everybody is not the same and different is actually neat because it brings different ideas to our society in our community. But more importantly, we need to think about children need to understand the why if you don't tell them why. You're giving accommodations, if you don't tell them why they communicate differently. If you don't tell them why they have to have noise canceling headphones, then everyone just stays in a warp of confusion, right? Put something to it now. I'm not sure where you're located. Asperger's is not a diagnosis that's provided anymore. Everything falls under the autistic umbrella. However, it is a diagnosis that we used to have, and maybe some other countries are still using that. I think we have a older webinar from a couple of years ago, but we have to let kids know autistic individuals need to know they're autistic. They know they're different. They know they see the world differently. That's not a bad thing, right? If we accept it as adults, they will grow into accepting it and it works out. It's a win for everyone. So someone says that they have a seven year old autistic son, four year old daughter, and son is typically a great big brother, very protective, but when he is dysregulated, having a meltdown, he doesn't realize what he's doing. Oh, thank you for sharing. They let the daughter or the son go into another room. How do we talk to the autistic child after the meltdown that they've hurt their sibling? We don't want to shame them, but it's difficult to tell him because he seems out of control. Ah, that is a great question. What I would say is this. Every child is different, but it is important to make all kids accountable, right? If they throw things around, eventually they have to pick it up. Even though we know a meltdown is not intentional, if someone is harmed, it's nice to let them know to apologize. I always let my students know, or siblings within a household, the strategy that I give to parents is, let them know, but at a time when you know they can handle it. So some kids need the next day. Some kids need two hours. It doesn't have to be immediate. It doesn't have to be where, oh my gosh, the the sibling that's not autistic needs to know that her brother didn't mean to hurt her. That's why we talk about it. That's why we give them an opportunity to share their frustrations. That is why we're open about what autism is and the why. And if we implement the strategies, which I'm going to say again, I encourage you to download the app because you can get access to all of those strategies, minimize and eliminate meltdowns. Like visual schedules, visual supports, understanding autism and knowing what sensory needs supports your child needs, minimizes. And helping the sibling that's not autistic understand will minimize it as well. Siblings are going to squabble. I know it's not fun, but we want to minimize the squabbling as a result of a meltdown. My boys, eight and six, are exactly two years apart and have the same exact interest. On paper, they should get along great. My six year old idolizes his eight year old brother But the eight year old, ah, is irritated at the sight of him because of his birth. He takes every opportunity to push and hurt them, call them, I wish you were never born, six year old super sweet, gotcha. All right, so this is a startling scenario when you feel like one of your children doesn't want the younger child to be there anymore. And you feel like they're either overly sensitive, or they're overly harsh. And how is that going to look and affect their dynamics? So this is what I will say. I will say that it is very important for all children to know they're autistic. It is very important for the siblings to know they're autistic as well. Very important. That's why we're giving you the resources to help guide you with that. It's not a dirty word. It should not be a secret. You would not keep something like diabetes away from a child. They need to know that they have to watch their sugar intake. They need to know their siblings need to know not to give them M and M at the party. We need to know so that our autistic kiddos can navigate with support. So everybody needs to understand the diagnosis and know, and it's okay. That's part of the acceptance journey. What I will say about an older sibling saying things about the younger sibling. This is not uncommon in boys outside of being autistic, right? What I think you can do is I think it would be great if you could get the boys, I don't necessarily think counseling is necessary, but if you can get either a good family friend or maybe even one of their teachers or therapists, that's really close to them or a good family friend to talk about it with the older sibling and ask him, sometimes there are little things that we don't notice. That are going on from the child's perspective where they have this feeling about the younger sibling and their perspective was just wrong. It was not the reality at all, but they didn't have an opportunity to say it because no 1 new to ask. And I think I may have over explained this, but my point is this talk about it. Try not to make a big deal in terms of why are you hurting or being mean, ask them why they are doing that and what is bothering them, right? And sometimes it can give you interesting answers and sometimes you can figure it out sooner than later. Let's see. The sibling, ah, if the sibling isn't asking about differences, should you still bring them up? Or do you wait? Love that question. So it's not so much about, You don't have to make a big announcement like, oh, guess what? They're autistic and this is why they flap their hands. It's really, oh, they flap their hands because they need sensory or, oh, their differences are related to their communication needs. So I think that difference is only needed to be pointed out when you are, Providing a strategy or explaining something, but you don't need to make a list of, okay, let's talk about all the things that make your sibling autistic and why they are doing this, right? Just as it comes along. I believe in just being organic and honest and that works out. Sometimes we overthink things. We just overthink things, right? Just, Take it for what it is. Yes, that's what they do. I have this thing where with my adult autistic friends, I will say things to them like, Oh my gosh, that's so autistic, right? What you did was such an autistic thing, right? And of course they understand it. And I pointed out because it is a difference, but it's very Distinctive to their neurodivergency. I like this question about the oldest son and the competitiveness. One is an empath, he concedes. Okay. So this question is a loaded question, right? But it is a question that I think is important. And so this is where some people are competitive and always like to win. You talk about that with that person on how to respond. And then you also have to figure out how to build up the Sort of non conceding component in the other kiddo, and that's not always easy because we all know in life. Some people are sensitive and are always getting stepped on, or they don't stand up for themselves as much and the, other folks take advantage of them. We don't want to encourage that, but we are all human beings and our children are who they are. Once again, I go back to talking about it, being honest about it, setting boundaries and sometimes siblings need to be apart. Sometimes my family's at home school together or at their home in the summer. They have 2 hours a day different times. It's not 2 hours at once, but there's a 45 minute slot where everybody has to go find their own space. Everybody has to find their own space because that time away from one another is important. We don't all have to be in each other's space all the time. Ah, so I don't know how to make them connect or teach the social skills. Exactly. I can explain exactly. So what I will say to that is helping with the social skills. From the perspective of the autistic sibling and the perspective of the non autistic sibling, I think social stories work for both. I think that using opportunities where things were mistakes are fumbled upon or caused a little chaos. Use that as a teaching opportunity. You may not be able to do it right away, or you sometimes can say, okay, this just happened. Let's talk about what we could have done differently. Let's talk about that. But social skill, social stories, I think are very helpful. And I will go back to talking about it proactively during family meetings makes it much easier. It really does. Even if you have I have a mom, she has once a week, each kiddo gets to come to her with their disgruntlement. So each week, each kid has five minutes to sit with mom and tell them what they're disgruntled about the other siblings. And a lot of times it's nothing they have to resolve. They just needed to get it out. That's it. So sometimes we just need to give them a space to do that. All right, if you do have any questions you sign up on the free trial for the app, you would have the ability to reach out and ask me some questions, but I am happy to share and answer any questions. If anybody has any deeper questions, I put the link in to download and access the app for your free trial. You can listen to me, you can listen to other coaches, but we have lots of great things on the app. We are super proud of it. And this presentation will also be available in the app.. Those of you who have come to listen to me again, and those of you who are listening to me for the first time, I hope to see you at the next webinar and share the app with families you may know as well, because I do think that. Parents find their best resources from other parents and the autism community. I also think that it is a good idea for you to share the app information with family members and friends who are with you. Often everyone needs to learn the more people that are empowered in your children's life. The easier it is for your kid and the easier it is for us to shift the narrative on everything autism so that everybody starts to have a little bit more understanding of how to navigate the world with autistic individuals and autistic individuals can have an easier time navigating their environment. All right, I'm done because I'll just keep talking. Thank you all.