Episode 2: What Feeling Do You Bring to Each Conversation?

In this episode, Barb and Melissa take Maya Angelou's famous sage wisdom to demonstrate the transformative power in showing up real and in the moment in our everyday connections; be them in our intimate relationships, our businesses or with anyone with whom we interact.

This episode includes beautifully articulated insights and anecdotal moments that convey  ways in  which our hosts have witnessed the power of getting more curious about what's right in front of them, rather than having so much of themselves on their mind.

Please find us on Melissa's website or  Barb's website.

If you enjoy the show, please FOLLOW, RATE, and REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It really helps us out. Thank you!

Transcript

[00:00:00] *INTRO*Here we  are. Here we go. Take one.

[00:00:05] Barbara Patterson: Welcome to Real Women Real Lives.

[00:00:08] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Where wit and wisdom collide.

[00:00:10] Barbara Patterson: Seriously, who knew that French fries could be a catalyst for shifts of consciousness.
 
 [00:00:16] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: It's just so clear to me in this moment, how I get confused about it. And then we remember.

[00:00:21] Barbara Patterson: How can we create a life that allows us to step into our work and our expression, just being who we are, but also funds our dreams?

[00:00:32] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: What is my husband doing right now? Am I successful enough?

[00:00:37] Barbara Patterson:  But do you have faith that you're okay no matter what happens?
_______________________
SHOW BEGINNING

[00:00:00] Barb Patterson: Hi everybody. It's Barb.

[00:00:02] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Hi everyone. It's Melissa.

[00:00:04] Barb Patterson: We're so glad you're with us today. And today we're going to talk about—we're inspired by the quote by Maya Angelou. That is something like, people won't remember what you said, but they'll remember how you made them feel. And we were both talking about examples over the past week where that became, you know, was really present that, knowing that, you know, so often we think what's having influence on others is what we say and how we say it yet, it's really not that. It's the, the feeling we leave people in the feeling we're walking around in. So we're going to explore that today. And, Melissa, would you kick us off with the story you were just sharing with me?

[00:00:56] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yeah, I would love to. I also, in all transparency, I just took my supplements and my vitamins.

And I feel like they're stuck in my throat right now. So if I quickly get up you'll know that I'm— what's happening.

Yeah. I love the quote from Maya Angelou so much so that I have it in my living room, because I forget all the time, all the time. I forget this. And my daughter's name is Maya. Her boyfriend's name is Angelo.

So that Maya Angelou is a favorite of mine. So I joined recently in New York (I moved to New York) and I belong to YPO, which is the Young President's Organization. Sounds so fancy! I joined the chapter here in New York called Big Apple. And Big Apple was a chapter of about 300 or so professionals. Really incredible, successful, smart, very put together people, right?

You see these people and you're like "Oh, these people have their stuff together." And I went to the new member meeting. I stood outside of this very fancy restaurant in New York City, thinking about not going in because I thought, "Oh gosh, these people are just really fancy. And I'm just this girl from Queens who happened to reach a certain level of success.";

But I decided to go in anyway and across from me sat this gentlemen who, from where I come from, has more success than I ever thought possible. Just in terms of what this person has accomplished in the world. And frankly, the amount of wealth that he's achieved. And I thought, "What the heck do I have in common with this guy?";

Like really, what do I have in common with this guy? And against my better judgment, I decided to just start speaking to him as I would to you Barb, right? Just little ol' me, Melissa from Queens. And just to, to be in my heart. And this person who looked really different from me on the outside, turned out to also have a heart.

[00:03:04] Barb Patterson: Funny that.
 
 [00:03:05] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Believe it or not. And so what happened was we, we connected from that place and it so happened that this gentleman is the president of the chapter. That was unbeknownst to me when I first started speaking with him, had I known that it probably would have been even more intimidating to sit across from him. And the only thing I'm going to say is that in, um, YPO, there are only 11% of the population is female.

And in this chapter that I'm in, there is about maybe a 5% women. So that was the other thinking that I had on top of that. But we had a lovely evening together and got to know him, heard about his family, heard about, you know, what's important to him. And there was another gentleman in the room, similar situation, super successful. Didn't know what I was going to talk to him about, but we actually just started talking about life and our hearts and spirituality, and I stayed in touch with both of these. And we had regular calls together talking about the chapter, talking about what they were excited about, asking me what I thought the chapter needed.

Again, thinking to myself, “Why are they asking me?” And the other night we had an event in New York city at Le Bernardin. I'm not probably saying that right. But it's a fancy French restaurant. And they asked me to be the Vice Chair of Learning, which to me is something I love— learning, always wanting to learn and grow and, and support others in doing the same.

That's a big part of what's on my heart. And I sat there thinking, “Well, how did I get here? How did I girl from Queens, not knowing anyone. Being one of very, very few women get chosen for this. And it hit me when you mentioned the Maya Angelou poem, because I just showed up in my heart every single time with these gentlemen and have great affection for them, you know?

And I say, "Hey dude!" and just as if I was hanging out at a coffee shop. I realized that's actually probably why they asked me to do it. It wasn't so much about what I did, but it was about how I showed up and where I was showing up from. Right. Because when we, I ,are in that place, I mean, I'm excited about life.

I see possibilities. I am really curious about where another is coming from and their possibilities. And when you sit across from another in possibility, looking at their possibilities, the truth is anything can happen. So this chick from Queens who had no business being in any of these fancy restaurants, with these fancy people, apparently I was wrong.

Right. My thinking of course was wrong and I of course have something to offer and contribute. And I don't need to do anything more than.

[00:05:52] Barb Patterson: Yeah, I love that. I love that. You know, as somebody who can be introverted, I could listen to that story and say, “Well, you're funny and charming. And you do really well in those environments.” You know, but really here's what we're saying.

When we go into an exchange. And let's say we're going to a new event or place where we have a chance to just meet people. Whenever I have myself on my mind and how I'm doing, how I'm coming across, what I'm going to say. Oh, no, it always feels tougher in those situations, but it's not tougher cause I'm an introvert.

It's tougher because I have a lot on my mind, I'm trying to predict and manage myself and show up a certain way and you know, all those kinds of things. And yet when I listen to you and by the way then, just to say, then the wake I'm leaving, right. That kind of internal kind of feeling I'm leaving, may be fine, may be nice.

But it has a quality of tension in it because I’m tense, you know, and I'm self-conscious. But what I hear you saying is you were able to go in and take yourself off your mind. And, and as a result, you are your natural open, curious, funny self, you know, and so, and I think that's true. It's such a great example of that's the wake. That's the feeling that we live in is what we're leaving behind. It's the residue we leave when we walk away , right? And it's funny as you were sharing that, I can think of an opposite example. So years ago I was putting together this Women in Leadership conference and they were looking at how to help women get advanced in corporations and on boards and all of that.

And we were having this really amazing meeting in California. And I went down in the second morning and I had a colleague in the elevator with me and she said hi. And I said hi to her. And I noticed that she kind of gave me an odd look, but I didn't think anything of it. You know, I had things to do. I was running this ship and I got to get in there.

And then, so I get into the room and it's before everyone's arriving, I'm doing my thing and my boss comes up to me. And as I walked towards him, his eyes get huge and he sort of backs away and it's so like, and he's kind of playing with me, but I hadn't said any. But as soon as he did that, I like, I got, you know, aware.

I'm like, oh wow. I must be being really intense right now. Like my intensity was, you know, like, so ahead, like I was feet away from him and he was, you know, starting to feel it and back away.

[00:08:35] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Wow.

[00:08:36] Barb Patterson: And I think that's just another example. Like I loved what I was doing. I was excited about it. The first day had gone really well, you know, all of that, but I was intense.

I was really intense about getting everything organized, getting it all and getting it set. So that moment was such a great wake up. You know, I was able in that moment to kind of go,"Okay, he's up girl."

Now, I didn't have this understanding of the mind at that point. So I was trying to I think squelch all that I felt like I had to control it, versus what we know now that like in a freer more present mind, we naturally fall into our ease and comfort and ability to connect with people in a more authentic way.

I think it's kind of fun. And I think if we all look, we can see those times when we are saying one thing, but our internal mood is something else. It's, it's the standard. "How you doing?” “Fine." You know, like, oh, okay. Yeah. It doesn't seem like you're fine kind of feeling. Or, um, I was talking to a client this week and she was saying that in her coaching, you know, she used to believe her value came by helping people—they’re in "A", they want to get to"B."

And so she's strategizing and she's kind of a motivator, a cheerleader, a strategic, you know, like she kind of saw that role.  Well, over the last few years, and the last year in particular, she's really stepped into this idea of what happens when I just show up present and connected and we allow the organic nature of the moment to point us somewhere to take us somewhere.

And she's seen so much more depth and impact in her work, which is not surprising to me. And she was great, you know, she was really successful. And yet she's saying now,”Wow, I'm really  enjoying what's happening.” And she said that I had a colleague as me what my model for coaching is. And she said, "I've been in my head ever since, what am I doing in my coaching? I'm not doing anything in my coaching. Don't I need to be doing?” And I think it hits on what you were sharing earlier. It's like we think we go into conversations or a new event with our clients and we need to be doing. We have 'doing' on our mind, we have sane on our mind. We have building credibility, we've got like something we're trying to do in there.

And if we can hold that lightly and allow sort of to know that what people are reacting to in us so much more, whether it's unconscious or conscious, is what's the internal vibe in which we're showing up? And you can't fake it. You know?You just, you can't fake it. What's the feeling I'm living in and that's what people resonate to.

[00:11:27] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Wow. You are so good at  articulating all of this stuff, Barb. I listen to you and I'm like, “Yeah, that's it.” Let me just tell you. I tried to fake it for a long time. I put the smile on and I'll say, especially as a woman in business, in the boardrooms with mostly men, I thought that I had to have a smile on, right. I had a lot of thinking about how I had to be in order to be whatever was the plan of the day.

And as you're  saying all of this, the other thing that comes up, because if I was listening to this six years ago, I would say, this lady seems really nice. She does, but she doesn't understand. I need to do. I need to do. And so what I just want to say for myself and maybe someone who might be saying that is, it doesn't mean that we're not doing. I still have access to my brain and all of the intellectual information up there when I am residing in the present moment.

[00:12:30] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:12:30] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: As a matter of fact, when I'm residing in the present moment, and I have clarity of mind, I have amazing access to all of the intellect. Whereas when I am thinking about what is this person thinking of me? What am I going to say? What are they really thinking? There's static in the system of my brain and my intellect.
 
 And I actually don't have as much access as I would like. And I share this because it's not just woo woo, airy fairy—want to be in my heart all the time, as much as that feels good, and it does, but it is also the way to access my biggest contributions. In my opinion. And it's actually where I can bring and add the most value to a conversation, whether that be business or other.
 
 And that's the other thing. There's really no difference between business or other. I had an idea that, you know, there's like Melissa personal over here, you know, I get to be in my heart. I get to be fun. And at work, you know, let's just, uh, let's just keep that under wraps. Just, you know, think about before I speak.
 
 And I'm not saying I'm going to go into business meetings and start, you know, dancing the salsa, although maybe that would happen one day, if it were appropriate, who knows?
 
 [00:13:47] Barb Patterson: I want to be there when you do.

[00:13:50] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: That could be fun. But what I'm saying is that this way of being creates the most beautiful way, no matter what the situation. And it's also extremely valuable and it reminds me of a meeting I had with someone. I think I've shared this with you. But, um, again, I was at a business, it was a business lunch with a gentleman who actually ran a movie studio in Hollywood. And, um, before I was like, "Oh my gosh, okay, what are we going to talk about?" Let mean, I just have a list, right? Let me have my list of everything we're talking about so in case there's that awkward moment of silence, I will have something to say. I thought, “You know what I'm going to, I'm going to do it differently. This time. I'm going to show up with this guy, have a croissant at one of my favorite places in LA and see what comes up.” And so we did, and we had the most magnificent conversation and we actually didn't even talk about business until the end, when he had an idea about how I could support him in business.
 
 And that actually wound up going really well. But the experience was so different and we're still friends to this day. So, not only was it the way we felt, but it also led to goodness in both of our businesses.
 
 [00:14:57] Barb Patterson: Yeah. I love that. I love that. And  you know, it really does. It reminds me, it's like, I think I've just come to appreciate that I don't want business Barb meeting business whoever. Do you know, like, I don't want persona meeting persona. Now, it happens. Right? We go into certain things and I feel like I need to demonstrate I'm credible or I'm respectable, or I have what, you know, like that just, it happens. But ultimately I think something really profound happens when we meet people human-to-human. Right. Soul to soul.

When I do my best to just drop into my natural self, we give people permission to do the same. And that is a rare gift when people are in your presence and they feel like they can be themselves. Whether it's your child, your partner, your sibling, you know, your client, the person you're meeting at a networking event. There's something really amazing that happens. And I was blind to how much I had between me and those exchanges, like, and how much thought I had and all with good intention. Like, you know, you gotta be professional, you gotta be credible, you gotta be appropriate. You know, like just kind of all these things that have been really fascinating for me to challenge in myself.

And to go on a, like a, you know, a journey of, “Can I just be me, my natural self?”

You know, Lila Turner who, you know, has, uh, one of the favorite things I've ever heard her say is “What if your natural self is the upgrade?” You know, we're constantly trying to improve ourselves and be better and be this kind of idealized image we have of what would be good.

And yet what if our natural self is the upgrade?

[00:16:50] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Wow. That's like the opposite of everything I thought. Right. It's the opposite of all the conditioning...

[00:16:58] Barb Patterson: Yes.

[00:16:58] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: ...of all the things that I thought, you know, thinking that I had to do more, better, different, but what, and I remember the first time you said this, I was at a... you were doing a training and you said, “You know, having less of me on my mind” and I thought, “Oh,I didn't realize how much I had a me on my mind when I was talking to anyone. I didn't even realize it. And it's so innocent, so innocent. And when you clarified it like that, I thought, “Oh, okay. That actually feels so much better.” And we get to truly hear what another is saying. And again, that goes for conversations with my husband, my daughter. And also in business. Right? I keep going back there cause you know, I love business, you know, I do. And you do too.

 [00:17:48] Barb Patterson: Yep, me too.

[00:17:49] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: So it's like, you know, when I've been in a new business pitch, right. And you know, we had our plan of what we were going to be presenting, but you pick up on maybe something that the client said that gives you that insight, like, “Oh, they're actually looking for this.”

[00:18:03] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:18:04] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Oh. So in that moment you can pivot to give the client what they're actually looking for as opposed to what I thought they were looking for. And so it's, it's that level of presence, that level of being open in the moment to something different than what I may think that leads to truer connection, and also more success.

[00:18:24] Barb Patterson: Yeah. I love that. And I love talking about it in business because I think it's really interesting.  It's one of the places that we think is an exception to the rule that somehow business requires us to be buttoned up or be whatever your idea of professional is. And image is, you know, important there. And so I love blowing up those myths because it's been so transformative for me personally, but you know, I, I worked with this consulting company and it was those two business partners and they were just really amazing] people, like just warm and insightful and funny. And they were going into their presentations with 40/50-page decks.

[00:19:09] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Wow.

[00:19:10] Barb Patterson: And that's a PowerPoint presentations, right? Now, that's what their competitors were doing. And as we started to talk about this idea of what are people really resonating to? Are they resonating to what you say to the PowerPoint slide or to you? And where does our ability to have real connection and influence and rapport happen? It happens in that feeling place. In that place you and I are pointing to. If you do a, just an intellectual presentation, people will be intellectually curious about it perhaps, right? Like it's, you know, but there's something else that's available to us in our exchanges, whether it's a sales call or a feedback session or, you know, whatever kind of conversation. And so they got really struck, like there was something inside of them that they were like, "Oh yeah, that's how we want to be. We want to show up in that way, just present.." and you know, not having the PowerPoint on our mind, but really, as you just said, listening and being in the moment. So they showed up to this presentation and had, I won't remember the number, but significantly less number of slides and basically asked questions and talked and shared.

And afterwards they got the business. Now what they said...what the people said to them—not being provoked in any way, was said, “You were the only one we felt like 'got us.’”

[00:20:38] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Mmhm.

[00:20:39] Barb Patterson: Now, isn't that interesting? Because I guarantee all their competitors did a ton of thinking about them, did their homework just as well had good ideas. But there was something in the energy of that conversation, that sales pitch, that meeting that the customer felt really seen and heard and understood.
 
 [00:20:59] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Mmhm. Mmhm. I love that. You know, it just makes me think of my husband because I'm really good at pretending to listen. You know, I can shake my head and smile, you know, but he knows when I'm not.

[00:21:13] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:13] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: He just knows. And I thought, darn, I thought I was really good at that.

[00:21:18] Barb Patterson: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:19] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Because I have other things on my mind, you know, and when I can actually listen with less of me on my mind, I'm able to understand him a lot more.

[00:21:28] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:29] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: ...and it creates such a nicer feeling in our relationship.

[00:21:32] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:32] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: And when I think I don't have time for that because, you know, we have so much to do—and I always have so much to do.

I'm doing not only him, a disservice, but me a disservice.

[00:21:40] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:41] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: 'Cause then I don't feel that connection.

[00:21:43] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:44] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: You know?

[00:21:45] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:21:45] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: And so, as you're saying that—business is a place where I'm really comfortable doing what we're talking about, but, you know, because this is called REAL WOMEN REAL LIVES—that for me is actually the area that I practice a lot more imperfectly than any other place—is with my husband, because, hey, that's just my, um, that's my learning curve for today.

[00:22:09] Barb Patterson: Yeah. Yeah. And I really love you for saying that and bringing us back to like the, just the truth, but doing it from a place of, you know, seeing our humanity in it. And yet knowing that the great thing that we're talking about is we can always come back.
 
 [00:22:26] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Uh hm

[00:22:26] Barb Patterson: So, you know, like I, I live away from all my family and so we connect via FaceTime or phone. And there are times when I'm rushed in my mind. I'm half listening, like you're saying, or I'm thinking about getting off the phone because I got,

[00:22:45] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: You got stuff to do!

[00:22:47] Barb Patterson: ...something to do. Some really important, like, you know, fold laundry. I don't know what, but

[00:22:54] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yep. Play Wordle.

[00:22:55] Barb Patterson: Yeah. And I know I walk away from those exchanges, knowing that both of us haven't really felt the love, the connection.

Now, sometimes that's as good as we got, you know, like sincerely we show up and we do the best we can. But in those moments when I recognize like, “Oh yeah, where, where am I at inside myself?” You know, I'm so grateful for that because I can do my best to adjust in the middle of it, or I can call, you know, like I not too long ago, can't remember if it was my sister or mom.

I actually called back and said,”Hey, I'm so sorry. I feel like I…"

Oh, no, it was a good friend of mine. I did, I, I sort of went away in my head and got brushed and ended things and I, and I called her back. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm really sorry. I disappeared. And I got busy, and I..."

Listen, like you said, she, she knew. She could feel me. You know, and we love each other. So I could've done that and not called her back. It would have been fine. You know what I mean? Like she's... but it felt also, it was nice just to call back and acknowledge it, you know? And that's what I want to say to people. It's like, I used to, you know, hold myself so tightly at times, because I was afraid of getting it wrong, you know?

And then when you see like, oh no, like we can come back, we can course correct. We can begin again. You know, we can show up again. There's no, no end date, per se. Does that make sense?

[00:24:26] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yeah, I think what I'm hearing you say is ‘All of you is welcome.’ Right?

[00:24:29] Barb Patterson: Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah.
 
 [00:24:32] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: All of you, all of us as welcomed because we are human and we are imperfect and that's actually beautiful.

And when I allow myself to be imperfect, which is what I am, I have so much more love and compassion for other people on this journey. And you just touched my heart so much when you shared that, because every day there's an opportunity to say to someone,”Oh, you know what ? I wasn't really there when you were saying that.”

And I just love that so much. It's so honest. It's so raw. And you just put a really beautiful feeling in my heart. And so, as we, as you say that, I just want to share that to the listeners. Is there a place where you are feeling as you're listening to that? “Oh, this person just came into my head.” Right? What kind of wake am I leaving there today? How is my impact? How is my being, having an impact on someone's feeling? And if that person came into your head or your heart, maybe that's the person that you want to reach out to today.

I will tell you all in all honesty after this, I'm going to go upstairs in my house, cause we're all in our houses, and tell my husband just that, you know, I wasn't really present this morning when you were talking to me cause I was thinking about all the things I needed to do.

[00:25:42] Barb Patterson: I love that. Thank you. That's a, I love that invitation. And me too. And just to realize that that's the power of connection and that feeling, that ability to come back real, raw, honest, vulnerable, connected, less of us on our mind, you know, that's the source of impact and connection and [it's] not our doing, not getting the words right. Thank God because I struggle.

[00:26:13] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: I don't know about that. You're pretty good with those words.

[00:26:17] Barb Patterson: Yeah. I love that invitation. I think that's a great place to end today.

[00:26:21] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Good. Well, thanks for being with us and we will see you soon. We'll see you next week. Thanks for joining us.
 
 [00:26:28] Barb Patterson: Yeah, thanks. Bye, everybody.
 
 [00:26:30] OUTRO: Thank you so much for listening to real women real lives with your hosts Barb Patterson and Melissa Palazzo-Hart.

We hope you enjoyed this week's episode. And if you did go to Apple Podcasts or Spotify and follow, give us a rating and leave a review. If you know anyone that would benefit from our conversation today, we'd love for you to share it with them.

[00:26:51] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: What topics do you want to hear about in future episodes?

We'd love to hear from you. You can email us at realwomenreallivespodcast@gmail.com.

Want to see the show notes or read a transcript of this show? You can find it on MelissaPalazzoHart.com or BarbaraPatterson.com.
 
 Thank you so much for listening to real women real lives, a special shout out and thanks to our producer, Jenée Arthur of Peripheral View Media .
 
  Until next time, remember—take the mask off. No filters, just possibilities.