Episode 24: All In

In today's episode, Barb and Melissa discuss the concept of being 'all in' in different areas of life. Despite not knowing if something will work out or be reciprocated, our hosts demonstrate that choosing to be all in creates a level of fulfillment that just doesn't exist when we are reserved or waiting for outside indicators to give us the green light to show up fully. 
 
 Are there places in your life inviting you to be all in?

Transcript

[00:00:00] SHOW INTRO

[00:00:46] Barb Patterson: Hi, welcome everybody. We're glad you're here for the REAL WOMEN REAL LIVES Podcast. This is Barb,

[00:00:53] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Melissa.
 
 [00:00:54] Barb Patterson: So today we want to talk about going all in and what's the counter to that hesitation, overthinking, waiting for validation. First. There are all sorts of things on the other. I'm going to turn it over to you, Melissa. And let you kick off this conversation.
 
 [00:01:13] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Mm, thank you, Barb. When you say all in, it just sounds exciting to me. I love hearing stories of people that have gone all in and always have found them so inspirational. I've considered myself an all-in kind of gal. I've done lots of things in the [00:01:30] world. And recently, I’ve seen an opportunity to lean into that little bit more. Even though I'm speaking to you and to all our friends here on REAL WOMEN REAL LIVES, there's something about caring less about what other people think of me and being more true to myself. Because in the past, even though I come across as, you know, very extroverted and all of those things, I guess in some ways I still have a little bit of a filter on in thinking like, "Oh, what does Barb think about what I just said about that."
Things like that.

[00:02:03] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:02:03] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: And I'll get specific about this all in for me. About a year ago, I was at a crossroads, and I was asking myself, "What do I wanna do with this one precious, beautiful life?" And I'd always been asking myself that question from a young kid. It's something that I wake up and ask myself every day.

Some people say, "Which kind of coffee should I have?" I ask, "What do I wanna do with this one precious life that I have?"; I have a favorite coffee already, as we've discussed. As we've discussed already. We're still looking for NESPRESSO sponsors. If we want to come in, it got obvious to me what I want to do, and I love to support women and companies to get into their zone, if you will. Into the place where they're being true to themselves, aligning with their core selves, and how that leads to higher performance and more happiness.

I have been doing that. (It's more than a year now). And I've been doing, you know, a great job again on the outside—it looks good.

And yet, inside of me, I've been hedging my bets. I've been kind of playing it safe. I have not fully put myself out there, and it hasn't felt quite right.Now there are moments when I do. And I don't know if you all listening out there know what I'm talking about, but you know, when you are in a place where you're feeling connected to yourself, and you're having a conversation, and it just feels good, perfect, you feel like you're in yourself.

And it doesn't matter what anyone's reaction is because you're just being true to yourself. For me, that's what it's feeling like these days in my business. And what that means is saying no to things not aligned with that. That is a little scary because it is saying no in allowing space for a "Hell Yes!";

I used to think a "Yeah" is pretty good. You know, but these days I really wanna live from this "Hell Yes!" I have a choice around my business, with whom I get to work, and what I do with them.

I was talking to a woman today who just blows my mind how sometimes we can't see ourselves. She's incredibly successful, brilliant, and doing amazing things.

And I just pinched myself at the moment, truly, that I get to sit across from this woman and support her in actualizing into all she wants to be. If you had told me last year that I could be sitting across from this woman and supporting her in this way, I would've probably not believed it.

For me, it's about putting myself out there. And that's what I did. I put myself out there with people I respect and said, “Hey, if you know any women that are looking for what I'm selling here, refer me.”

You told me that a long time ago. Isn't it funny that I hadn't done it to this moment, because that felt scary?

What if they don't think I'm good enough? They won't refer me. But the truth is when I made that ask didn't matter because I was doing it for me. It just so happened that they were kind enough to do so. And some wonderful people are coming into my orbit, but it was and will be about fully engaging with what I'm up to. And being unapologetic and frankly shameless about it.

Do you know what I'm saying?

[00:05:22] Barb Patterson: I do. I like that. I like the unapologetic about going for our heart's desire, the places we're getting nudged, and being willing to follow those. And at times, it feels like it requires boldness and bravery, and you know, all those things, and I'm grateful for those moments of bravery.

When I need them, and I think something is exciting in what you're saying too because I forget what you called it, but when you said it, it was like, "Oh yeah, like we have the plan B." Right. You know, like, okay, if this doesn't work out, then you know, I've got plan B.

[00:05:59] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Exactly.
 
 [00:06:00] Barb Patterson: And sometimes plan B keeps us from fully going all in with plan A.

I think it's an interesting thing to say, oh yeah. Can I get into my business fully? Can I go all in?

I was talking to somebody yesterday who wants to switch from therapy to coaching, and ultimately, her sessions have been switched anyway. But as a business model, there's potential for change. You know, when we were talking about it, it looked like in her mind, she had a long list of things she had to do before she could go all into coaching.

And what was fascinating was just through a conversation, beginning to realize that so much of that stuff was just our minds making mountains out of mole Hills, you know, like the gap and the leap and the shift just looked bigger than it is. Yeah. You know, what does it say on the rear side view? "Images may appear larger or closer than they are,” you know, it's like our minds do that.

And so what's been interesting is to say, "Well, what if I just go all in, in that direction, in this nudge, in this place I've been curious about, or I'm interested in?" And I'll share a couple of examples for me. I mean, first I'll share in dating, you know, recently when I was dating someone, I.

That I wasn't all in now. I think I had 'all in' linked to commitment. It means I'm committed forever. It means this is going to go somewhere. What would it be like to feel the whole way, be all in, in this relationship to show up real, authentic, vulnerable, messy,

 [00:07:44] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Mmmmm.

[00:07:45] Barb Patterson: You know, unsure, affectionate.

You know, like all those things, there's no guarantee. There's no promise of a future. There's no promise of being reciprocated, right?

[00:07:58] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yeah.

[00:07:58] Barb Patterson: You know, but what would it feel like for me, like, I saw like, "Oh, I wanna be in the feeling of all in. I wanna be affectionate and loving and fun and playful."

And can I do that knowing it may not be permanent? That awareness and realizing that, in a way, I wanted him to show up a certain way before I would do that. You know, my mind was like, "Well, don't do that until, you know, whatever he's showing that he is that way."

[00:08:26] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Sure.

[00:08:27] Barb Patterson: You know, all that stuff and people.

And it's funny because even as I'm saying this, there's a ticker in the back of my mind. Saying, I don't mean I showed up needy. I don't mean I showed up desperate. I don't mean right. Like all the fear things that I had associated with.

 [00:08:43] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yes.

[00:08:44] Barb Patterson: What if I just went all in? Like I liked him, it was fun. I didn't have to decide the future, you know?
 
 So that was so amazing. And the gift of that was raw. And intimacy and insecurity and doubt and affection. And it was all of it. Right. But the feeling of aliveness that comes when we go all in, like that, was worth it to me, the aliveness of it, the depth that it allowed, even though overthinking and insecurity were on the other side. In the scheme of things, it was all worth it.
 
 There's another example. And so there's a friend and a colleague who, you know, very well too, Aaron Turner. And he was talking to me... we were in Scotland a couple of years ago, getting ready to do a summit, you know, of business leaders and all of that. And Aaron and his wife, Lela, and family live in London. And so he was taking the train from London to Scotland. And he was so excited that he would do the sleeper train on the way back. And he was, I'm not kidding. Like when he talked about it, his enthusiasm was so high. He said, "And then B, it's going to do this. And then it's going to add that." And, you know, and I, you know, like so excited, and I was excited for him, right?
 
 [00:10:01] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yes..

[00:10:02] Barb Patterson: So we go, we teach the summit, we do all this stuff, and it's about a month later, and I'm on the phone with him, and I'm like, "Hey! How was the train ride? How did it go?" And he was like, “Oh, it was, it was bad." And I said, “; What do you mean?” And he said, "Well, I got on the train, and it was dirty. I couldn't sleep and settle and..."
 
 And I go, &"Oh, oh, that's a bummer. I'm sorry to hear that."
 
 And he said, "Oh no, the feeling of anticipation and what that experience of just anticipating it was enough for me."
 
 And when he said that, I was like, wow, wow. What? And I realized at that moment how much I had said, and I heard other people say, "Well, I'm not gonna get my hopes up."
 
 I don't want to go all in because what if it doesn't work out? I don't want to get my hopes up because what if it's a no? I don't want to go all in because what if it's not reciprocated, you know, just want to go all in because what if it's not reciprocated, you know, for all these reasons. And there was something so clear and joyful in Aaron's comment and be me being able to witness, you know, both sides of it that I saw.
 
 "Oh yeah. How much do I stop myself from feelings of hopefulness or the desire to go all in." Because I'm afraid it won't work out or it won't be reciprocated. And yet again, the aliveness that hope gives us, the aliveness that is daydreaming about some of the potential, the playfulness that comes when we allow ourselves to be who we are in relationships, you know?
 
 And I can see that it's like I could see in my business, there were some projects and ideas I wanted to try, but I wasn’t. I was overthinking them. I was hesitating because I wanted a guarantee that it was only worth moving in the direction of if it worked out.
 
 [00:11:58] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Oh.

[00:11:58] Barb Patterson: And suddenly, I asked, "Is that true?"

Is that true? Is it only worth pursuing if I know it's going to work out? And that isn't true. That's what I've discovered. It's not true. There's so much value in moving in the direction of going all in, coming alive, feeling alive. But also we get more information. When we jump in, we get more information.

[00:12:22] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yeah. I love the feeling of being alive. I love hearing about dating. I've been married for ten years, but you know, I did much dating, and I remember not going all in. And for me, what that looked like was trying to look and act and be perfect...

[00:12:37] Barb Patterson: Yeah.
 
 [00:12:38] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: ...so they would like me, you know? And so I was not exposing the messy, raw, vulnerable.

It was the opposite. And I was wondering why it wasn't working out.

There was a song that came out many years ago, right before I started redating my husband. And it was, I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. The imperfect ways you do things. And I thought, "What?" But something struck me about that song.

And so when Chris and I reconnected, I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I just was me. Messy Mel, like literally Messy Mel. Like my apartment was messy, and things were messy, I didn't have it all together. And we fell in love pretty quickly.

[00:13:24] Barb Patterson: Yeah.

[00:13:24] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Actually. Again, that's the result. Right. But the thing that I want to focus on is how I felt in the all-in.

I felt good. I felt alive. I felt like, oh, this is that song. I love myself just as I am. That is spectacular coming from that place of loving me is exactly how I am and what I practice today. I just practice it, and going back to me, which seems to be my forever lesson, is around prestige. Prestige and money.

I like both of those things very much. And sometimes I've made decisions based upon those as opposed. Let me be obvious. I still like those, but I will no longer do it at the expense of what feels right. What is aligned for me is integrity for me. A couple of opportunities have come up over the last month that is very prestigious, and there's much money on the table.

And I think, oh, well, I could redo my house. you know, but they're not in alignment. And I've had to say no. And that's me being all in for me. As uncomfortable as that is. It's like hearing what you're talking about, the dating, fully being alive. That's me being all into what I want to experience in my life today.

And I remember as a kid, my dad would say, God bless him, he's passed. He would say, when I was excited about something, he's like, "It'll pass."

I didn't realize at the time that I thought he was trying to look out for me so that I wouldn't get disappointed. So I learned, like, oh no, don't get excited because it's going to pass anyway.

But what you said and what I know to be true is that everything passes. Everything passes. People, time, emotion, things, they all pass.

In a very imperfect, messy way, I want to enjoy all of that. You know, I want to enjoy those moments. I want to be all in, in those moments where, like this morning, my daughter was crying, right?

I want to see those tears coming down, and I want to see the joy. That's me being all in. And it's very messy, and I'm imperfect and don't do it all the time. But those moments that I can, those are the miracles.

I remember Dicken Bettinger saying, "Ordinary is extraordinary." And I love that so much because it's all in, to be ordinary for me.

[00:15:37] Barb Patterson: Yeah. I think it's like that simple sort of just being all into the normal part of life, which is ebbs and flows and ups and downs and stress and no stress and love and anger and, you know, kind of all those things. And...

[00:15:53] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: yeah.

[00:15:54] Barb Patterson: ...we underestimate the value of the full ride versus the cautious one.

You know, I've been careful at times. I've been careful, whether it's been in dating or relationships, or I've been careful in my business.

I'm not saying to be careless. Maybe, maybe a little bit, but ...carefree is the best way, right? To just, and to see and trust where those nudges and the places we want to go or the opportunities that are in front of us, what would happen if in a feeling-full way I just went all in knowing there's no guarantee of a particular outcome, knowing that if I get disappointed that moves through and that moves on, as you said. We see what else there is for us. We see what else is at that moment. And so, yeah, I think that invitation in this episode is really, is there a place you could go all in? And again, we're not saying that means you commit to it forever or to the person forever or the job forever. You let the feeling of whatever that is of being all income through. All in to, like you said, just being yourself. Like, I'm just going to be me. I'm going all into that. Right.

[00:17:10] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: All in.

[00:17:10] Barb Patterson: Yeah. Or I'm going all into, in a feeling-full way with this person, this idea I have, or this change I want to make. Take all the self-help stuff out of it. Like it's not about "Get committed." "Follow through!”I just want to say that's not the energy we're talking about here.

[00:17:32] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Mmmm.

[00:17:33] Barb Patterson: It's just really from an inside, just see what comes up for you when you experiment and play with the idea of where could I go all in?

[00:17:42] Melissa Palazzo-Hart: Yeah, we'll meet you there. We'll meet you in that place right there. In the all —the all in place. I love that. Try it today; try it for the next hour. Pick something, do it for an hour and then see how it feels.
 
  And then maybe try it again.
 
 So we're so grateful that you spent some time with us today, all in here at REAL WOMEN REAL LIVES. And we just appreciate you so much. We do. We'd love you to share a rating or a review on Spotify. We'd also really love to hear what's going on for you.
 
 So send us an email at realwomenreallivespodcast@gmail.com, and we check those regularly. And we'd love to talk about what's on your mind and heart.
 
 And again, thank you so much for being with us. We will see you soon. Lots of love.
 
 [00:18:28] Barb Patterson: Bye, everyone.