75: Stop Fighting Reality: What You Can (and Can't) Control in Your Relationship

Host: Jason Polk | Series: Solving Disconnection — Creating Connected Relationships for Couples and Parents
Duration: ~5:30

Summary:
Jason Polk, a couples therapist and coach with over 10 years of experience, breaks down a fundamental relationship reality: you can't control your partner — and trying to usually backfires. 

Drawing on a recent training for couples therapists, Jason introduces a simple but powerful framework: in any relationship struggle, you have two choices—change or acceptance. 

Using relatable examples (dishwashers, socks next to the hamper) and a personal story about his own marriage, he explores what healthy acceptance looks like, when it's the wrong move, and why focusing on your side of the relationship is where your real power lives.

Key Topics & Timestamps:

• 0:01 — Welcome and intro to the episode
• 0:36 — Why trying to control your partner fails (pushback or temporary compliance)
• 1:00 — The two-choice framework: change or acceptance
• 1:25 — Everyday example: the dishwasher and the socks
• 2:00 — The grief of acceptance: mourning the partner you imagined
• 2:40 — Personal story: living with a partner who has ADHD
• 3:35 — Acceptance isn't giving up — it's stopping the fight with reality
• 3:45 — When acceptance is NOT the answer (abuse, betrayal, addiction without accountability)
• 4:15 — Focusing on what's within your control empowers the relationship
• 5:00 — Closing thought: your greatest power is how you choose to show up

Key Takeaway:
You can't make your partner become who you want them to be. But you can choose how you respond, what you ask for, and whether to stay, leave, or accept. That's where your power has always been.

Learn more about Jason's core offering: Couples counseling in Denver.

Transcript

0:00

welcome everyone. This is solving disconnection and creating connected relationships for couples and parents. My name is Jason Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with couples as a therapist and coach for over 10 years. On this podcast, I share my experience professionally. Personally and those of our amazing guests. This is a quick episode. It's called What We Can and Can't Control in a Relationship. So if you hear this title and you're thinking, "Well, I can control my partner," I got news for you, this episode will disappoint In fact, outside of force or manipulation, we can't control another person, and when we try, we usually get one of two outcomes. They push back or they give in temporarily. Neither leads to a healthy relationship. Pushback creates conflict, and compliance often breeds resentment or quiet rebellion over time. I recently attended a training for a couple therapists who offer relationship intensives, and one simple reminder from that training that stuck with me was, in relationships, we ultimately have two choices, change or acceptance. So if we're having issues in our relationship or we're struggling, we can ask ourselves, one, Can I influence or change this situation?" And number two, "If I can't, am I willing to accept it?" Now, that sounds simple enough, but in practice, it can be challenging. Take something relatively small, like your partner never loading the dishwashers the right way, or they always leave the socks next to the hamper and not inside of it. You can work for change, such as asking, reminding, negotiating, or explaining why it really matters, and sometimes they'll change, sometimes they won't. If it's becoming clear that this simply isn't going to change, then another task begins. We have to grieve it and accept what we're going to get and what we're not. We grieve the relationship we imagined. We grieve the version of our partner we hoped they would become. We grieve the fact that they are a separate person with different habits, priorities, and ways of seeing the world. You know, that simple point was new in the training too. We grieve the fact that they are a separate person, that they are not us. And I thought it was interesting how it was stated that way. You know, this is an example from my relationship. So Jess, my wife, she has ADHD, and often jobs get three-quarters of the way completed. You know, it, it used to be kind of upsetting for me, you know, but then we talked about it, and I realized, you know, she does have ADHD, but there are things I can do that can help with that. But also, in terms of accepting it, I'd accept that's the way her brain operates, right? She may do the laundry, but the socks are still upstairs. You know, it's all good. But I can grieve that, and I can appreciate what I am getting instead of pushing against it and, thinking, "Gosh, well, if I do the laundry, I would complete all of it," right? I stop pushing against reality and accept her for who she is. And so it, it doesn't mean I like it, right? It doesn't mean I stop asking for it, if that's really important to me. But what it does mean is I stop fighting reality. Ironically, acceptance often gives us more peace than continuing to wage a battle we can't win. Now, not everything belongs in the just accept it category. There are issues that shouldn't simply be tolerated, such as abuse, repeated betrayal, addiction without accountability, or a chronic unwillingness to work on the relationship. That's very different from the socks on the floor or a dishwasher loaded differently than you would do it. Sometimes acceptance isn't the answer. Sometimes the answer is a sign the relationship no longer aligns with your values or needs. But even then, that's still a choice, which is change. And one idea that I often return to is, in therapy, is that we are more empowered when we focused on what is within our control. The more we can look at our side of the relationship and initiate change, instigate change there, the better off the relationship usually is. And also, we're focusing on what we can do. We're not giving away our power, I'm in control of if I get upset or not, right? I'm not giving my power away to my partner. so if we do, if we can communicate honestly, if we need to stand up to our partner with love, we can make requests. We can also decide how we're gonna respond. And also, we can choose whether to stay, leave, or accept what we cannot change. However, we can't control our partner or make them just like us, but we can choose how we show up in a relationship. And in the end, that's where our greatest power has always been. Thanks for listening. See you next time