Karapocalypse

Two months ago the love of my life, my best friend and spouse of 16 years, passed away unexpectedly in a tragic accident. The past two months have been the hardest in my life. I'm going through my "Karapocalypse"... it's more then a mid life crisis, it's the end of my old life.

Join me for an open and honest conversation about my experiences and the tragic event of two months ago. Listen to my story and hear why I believe a miracle occurred. And through that miracle, God showed the purpose of life. 

In this episode I also discuss my current struggle and how I now understand grief. The most complex, painstaking continuation of the love we have for the people we lost. Many people have asked how they can support and help me right now. Please pray for me. Pray the Lord has mercy on John.

Other ways to support me...
Go Fund Me:
https://www.givesendgo.com/support-fo...

Sign up for the Friendship membership:
https://www.letsbefriendspodcast.com/...

Buy my book Here Comes Trouble:
https://www.karamosher.com/store
or on Amazon: https://a.co/d/0gvIM6ST

Video of Episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCMt8KoaXbY

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:10

Welcome back to the Let's Be Friends podcast. This is your host and friend Kara. It's been a couple months since I've posted a new episode on this podcast feed, and I'm sure a lot of you have heard that it's been a really difficult summer for me. In fact, it's been the most difficult time I've ever been through in my entire life. In case you didn't hear, um, my spouse, Jodie, passed away June 16th. So about two and a half months ago, I can't believe it's been that long. It feels like yesterday, and at the same time it feels like forever ago. I feel as though I have been existing in a whole new reality. Like I in the same world, but it just feels completely foreign to me. It can feels completely different to me. Um, they say that the death of a spouse, and Jody and I had been together for 16 years, is the hardest thing that anybody ever goes through in your life. Um, and it really has been the hardest thing that I've ever been through, and it was really unexpected and very tragic, the passing. And yeah, I'm just uh trying to navigate in what feels like a brand new world and without my favorite person in the world, and it is it's um, I'm you know, I may as well go live on Mars. I don't even feel like Mars is a real place. So I just feel uh out of this world, and I want to get back to it though. I feel like I need to keep moving forward because one thing I've learned about grief and loss like this is that you carry it forever. It's not something that you get over, you'll never get over missing your favorite person. Um, if it's a parent, if it's a best friend, a sibling, your husband, your wife. Um there's nothing that can replace that person, that unique soul in your life. And it's not like, you know, it's not like some wound that heals over perfectly, it's actually something that scars, and that's a scar that you you carry with you because grief is the continuation of the love that we have for someone, and that love doesn't end when they are not here. Um, you still have that love, you just don't know where to put it, and so it gets kind of confused and you know, misoriented, and that's the feeling of grief. It's a lot um in your head that you don't quite, you know, know how to navigate. The death of a spouse, um, according to the social readjustment rating scale is 100 on the scale with divorce at 73, marital separation at 65, jail term at 63, death of a close family member at 63, and personal injury or illness at 53, um, being fired from work is a 47, retirement's a 45, um, change in health of a family member is a 44, uh, losing your job would be a 39. So, death of a spouse is literally like the most tragic, stressful thing you can ever go through. They say that it was rated number one on the SRRS and the LEI scale. The stress of losing a spouse is so high that it can actually increase the surviving partner's chances of death and the development of serious medical illnesses, according to a 2020 study from the Journal of Frontiers and Psychology. The study also found that the loss of a life partner is associated with increased risks of inflammation, decreased immune health, and increased signs of biological aging. And I'm getting all of those. I uh I feel like I've lost half my hair in the last couple months. It's crazy. Like it's some it's unbelievable how much hair we have because like I literally like will run my hand through my hair to like like just like clumps, like 10 pieces will just like come out. I don't know how I still have a full head of hair. Um, but I definitely look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Um I I I've I'm actually sick right now. So hearing this immune health like decreasing, like I'm not feeling great. Um, you know, I lost 25 pounds and the first three weeks after he died was really quick to lose that much weight. I couldn't eat. I wasn't remembering to drink water. I've had nightmares for two months. I'm this episode, I swear, is not just like to feel sorry for myself and tell you all about it. I'm just being really honest with everyone because that's what this podcast is about. It's about being honest, especially in a world that's not very honest. It's very fake. Um, I've wanted to just be honest with you all the whole way through, and this podcast has changed a lot through the years. And it's always kind of focused on what I'm going through, and this is what I'm going through right now. There's no other relationship in your life where you build a life with someone, you share a life with your partner or spouse, you have a shared history, you make plans for the future. The death of a spouse is so jarring because the surviving spouse is often left not knowing what the present or future will look like because the life you built with someone ceases to exist when your person dies. And that's what I mean. It's like I am in a the same world, but I might as well be in a completely different world. Jody and I were inseparable. Um, we were together 16 years, and from the night we met, we were just it was special. And so not having him with me every day in one way or another, or being able to call him, text him, hear from him is it's really messed with my brain. Um, because the death of a spouse touches everything. A surviving spouse is tasked with building an entire new entirely new life from scratch. This often is associated with a lot of transitions and changes and other that others do not have to make, which can cause criticism and judgment as it can activate other people's grief. I have had a lot of friendships just fade off. I have been very surprised at the people that have stepped up in my life and been close to me. And I see that God has brought certain people into my life for this time. I have been, my mind has been blown by the community and the loving support, excuse me, that I have online and on the from the people that follow this podcast. I can't thank you guys enough for your love and your support, the prayers, then kind messages, just the gifts. People have sent me flowers and food and just little cards and cookies and um Shanda, my friend Shanda started a GoFundMe to for me, which has I my mind's been blown by the donations because I haven't been able to work. I've barely been able to function normally until probably the last couple weeks. Um, the first two months, I was I was in shock because Jody died very tragically. And we're gonna talk about that and what happened in this episode. I'm going to play two different recordings, two different talks that I've given. I'm gonna start with one that I made a couple weeks ago on an Instagram live, and it's definitely more raw. It was the first time that I came out publicly really talking about what happened. Um, there's a lot of tears, so get ready for that. Get your tissues. Um, and then the second chat that I'm gonna share is from a YouTube recording that I did. And if you want to watch the video, it's on the Let's Be Friends YouTube channel. I'll put a link in the bio. Um, but yeah, I just want to like share with everybody what's going on, why I've been so quiet, why I might seem different. Um, and I do really feel as much as I don't want to, like I have to continue with my life. I have to move forward. And podcasting is something that I've been doing now for five years. And, you know, at one point this was um my full-time job. Um, the friendship membership would had enough subscribers that that was my full-time job. But, you know, then I put my attention into putting out Here Comes Trouble, kind of um stopped making conspiracy content, which is really the stuff that everybody really wants, um, everybody really wants to see. And I'm gonna, you know, try to get that back up and running, get um the friendship membership and the podcast like, you know, back back on all cylinders because it's just kind of been a good outlet for me, and it's been the way I've connected with all of you. And I think right now this world needs real stuff because I know I'm not the only one going through it. I know I'm not the only one experiencing grief and loss, and you know, this all is tied to salvation, it's all tied to my journey becoming a new Christian. This is Jody, what happened to him is tied to God as well. It's all going to be in the next book that I'm writing that's called Becoming Human. I'm writing a ton right now. Actually, I wrote a chapter this morning. I'm kind of floored at how quickly this is coming out, but you know, unexpectedly now the story in Becoming Human, which is a continuation of Here Comes Trouble, is now it's uh truly the story I was always meant to tell. Um, I just had no idea that it was gonna come. So I think that book will probably be out January 2027. So, anyways, I love you all. Thank you all for being my friends. If you want to support me, sign up for the friendship membership. There's a link in the bio. If you enjoy this podcast, it's always been free. I've never had advertising and sponsors for this podcast. So if you have enjoyed this podcast for the last five years, you enjoy my content on social media, I would deeply appreciate um if you can give a donation to the GoFundMe. This is not something that I would normally do. My friend Shanda set it up for me. Um, but I am struggling financially. I still haven't found a job from being let go of my job last fall after being injured. Um, they they actually let me go because I was injured and had to close the store I was working at to go to the hospital, and then they fired me for it. Um, so that was unexpected. And, you know, last year's been a lot of trials, but I'm still here, still plugging away, still alive. Uh whether or not I want to be, I'm still here. And you're still here. And if we're still here, that's because God still has stuff for us. So alright, with that, I'm just gonna go ahead and play these other recordings because I really feel like they share um more than anything what happened to Jody and how I'm doing and how you can support me through this time. Alright, I love you all. Thank you for being my friends. Okay. I hope everybody's doing good. I wanted to come on here and say hello. It's been uh a while since I've been on social media. Um it's been uh a strange couple months for me. Some of you may have seen that um two months ago, Jody. Um I'm gonna cry. Um my spouse passed away on June 16th um in a tragic accident. And so I have been taking a little bit of a break from being on the internet and kind of life in general, but I wanted to come on here because my dear friend Shanda, who you may know as still shining bitches, uh, posted a GoFundMe for me, which is something I wouldn't have done myself because I am so prideful. It's hard for me to ask for help. Um, or honestly, really share a lot of personal stuff. So I'm like on the internet and like showing my face and posting reels, and I have a podcast and I wrote my memoir, you'd think, oh, Kara's like all out there and like sharing everything. But honestly, I'm actually very introverted and I guess very prideful, and it's very hard for me to ask for help. But I um I have been really struggling um the last couple months. Can you guys hear me? Okay, I'm using this stupid little microphone because I want to make sure you can hear me if someone can say something in the comments. Um but yeah, I um I've still been looking for a job, and with everything that happened with Jodi, it's just made it even harder. So that's why she ended up posted the GoFundMe. So I just wanted to thank everybody who's helped out with that. Um, if you're wondering, you know, what happened? Um, I've been well I had been with Jodi for 16 years. Sorry, I you grief is so weird, you just like you're okay, and then you cry, and then you're like angry, and then you're irritated, and then you're fine. Um anyway, we had been together for 16 years, we lived together for almost 15 years, and then when I became a catechumen um in the Orthodox Church, when I was becoming an Orthodox Christian, I decided to move in on my own um because I wanted us to get married. We had gotten engaged like a year prior, even though we had been together for like 15 years at that point. I became a Christian five years ago. Sorry, I'm sniffling. Um, and it just kind of changed my entire life. Like, you know, Jodi and I have been living together basically since the night we met, which was in 2012 of all years. I wrote a chapter about it in my book, Here Comes Trouble. Um it's called The Night We Met. And then I am actually writing another book called Becoming Human, and I've been working on a chapter that's called The Night You Left, and it's about what happened to Jody. Um, he died because of a fire, um, results of a fire that happened um unexpectedly. We weren't living together at this time because you know we were gonna be getting married, um, and it happened at his house while he was sleeping, and um because of lack of oxygen, Jody was brought to the ICU um not conscious but but alive still, and that was where I last saw him and had to say goodbye to him was um at the ICU. And um I'm sorry, I just want to be really honest. I see I there's a lot of I'm like all my I'm like following like not conspiracy accounts anymore. I know a lot of you may have found me because I talked about conspiracy content, but now I'm following like all these grief content pages, and they've helped me so much. And something that has really helped me is people being honest about grief and being honest about what they're going through, and so I just want to be honest about you know what I'm going through, and I don't want to like hide my tears or anything. Um, but uh I had to say goodbye to Jody um in the hospital like that, and um nobody should ever have to go through that. It was very tragic what happened to him. He was 45 years old, he was my best friend on the love of my life, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. But life, you know, takes unexpected turns sometimes. I do want to share though that Jody had desired to be baptized, he had desired um to enter the Christian faith. I mean, he believed in Christ. Um, I talk a lot about Jesus on this page and what he's done in my life. I I said I'm a new Christian um five years ago. Some of you may have been following me when I used to be taking psychedelics all the time, working as a psychic medium, doing crazy things. And I had an encounter where I became a follower of Christ, and which made me a Christian, and then eventually I was baptized and it's changed my entire life. And um Jodi desired to be baptized, so he was a little bit behind me on this path. You can't force anybody on their path to God. You God doesn't infringe on our free will, we shouldn't infringe on anyone's. And in the Orthodox faith, when you're baptized, you pick a saint. Jody and I talked about that he wanted Saint John the Baptist. Um, the situation's more complicated than what I'm gonna share right now on this live. Um, but there were things that kept him from coming into the church. But when he was in the hospital on the ICU, um it overcame me that I needed to baptize him because I realized he wasn't gonna live. Um and as I mentioned, Jody was unconscious. He um had he didn't because of the fire and he was sleeping, and for reasons he didn't wake up. Um so they had to resuscitate him when they came to his house, and they did bring him back to life. Um but he hadn't had oxygen for a long time, so he wasn't with it when I saw him at the hospital. But I did what is called an air baptism, which is an emergency baptism. Jody had never been baptized before ever. Um, and we had learned how to do an air baptism at the monastery that I go to. I attend a monastery. And a year prior, my godmother had actually asked one of the priests, what do you do when you're with somebody and they're if you come across someone on their deathbed, what do you do for them? And the priest said, you baptize them. If you know they're a follower of Christ, a believer in Christ, and they haven't been baptized, you baptize them. Because when you're baptized, your soul is washed clean. And that is what we believe in the Orthodox faith. I mean, that is what I think Christians believe. Um, your soul is washed clean. And the moment I did the baptism, which just so you know, an air baptism is I baptize you in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son, in the name of the Holy Spirit, I baptize you, Jody, in the name of John. I knew he wanted John the Baptist, and the moment that I did the baptism, a tear fell from his eyes, and he was um he was not conscious, you guys. But that happened, so his soul knew, his soul knew um that that happened. That is the power of God, that is the power of Christ. This life is about our salvation, that is where we are alive, is to come back to return to God. So when we pass, because we don't actually die, our physical body ceases to exist, but your soul never dies, okay? You return to God. We are the breath of God, metaphorically, right? So when we die, we return to God. For those who love Him, it feels heavenly. For those who don't, it burns like hell. So according to what I believe is an Orthodox Christian, and I believe many Christians would believe this as well. Truly, we're all Christians, is when you are baptized and your soul is washed clean, you return. If you die right then, you return to God clean. And it was truly a miracle. Um it was truly a miracle what God did for Jody. And that's hard, you know, um, to fully feel sometimes because I miss him so much in this world. But he was struggling in this life. Um details I'm not gonna go into right now, but he was struggling and and God took him home. And we're all gonna go home one day to God. So I just want everybody to really pray about that and really think about that in your life and what you're doing with your life, what you're doing with your time, who you love, how much you love other people. Love other people, love strangers, don't drive by that homeless person, help them. Don't be mad or mean to somebody, love them, pray for them. Think about your last words with somebody because Christ comes back like a thief in the night, and we don't know when that's gonna be. My last words to Jody, I had called him that night, and we talked to the phone and we said that we loved each other, and then when we got the phone, I texted him and I said that I loved him, and he said he loved me too, and that was our last words. And then I, you know, I saw him at the hospital. So that's what I've been going through. Um sorry, I'm crying so much. That's what I've been going through is grieving this shock, and the last two months, I think I was in a lot of shock because it was so traumatic what happened to him. I had to move into a new house as well. Um, the timing was horrible. This is my new house and moving a new house. I live in the woods now. I was living um in like a garden at my last house. It was really beautiful. This is beautiful too. It's different. Um, yeah, someone says, God is love. Yes. God is love. Um God is the truth, and God is love. That is that is right. Anyways, um so I just wanted to come on here and say hi and just kind of say, you know, thank you to everyone who's made a donation to the GoFundMe. It's um like I said, this is for my humility as well, because I don't like asking for help. But the truth is I am financially struggling right now, and I need a job, need a good full-time job. I used to make all my money on my podcast um a few years ago, and I stopped making uh conspiracy content, and that brought the numbers down, but I'm not interested in making a lot of conspiracy content anymore because it's all a psy-op, a giant psychological operation, and it just takes us away from what matters, which is God, because we are here right now for our salvation, and Christ wants us all to be baptized, and he wants us to repent from this world. Sin is separation from God. Our literally, our purpose is to come back to him, and we're all gonna close our eyes for the last time and pass on to return to God. And I I want us all to know that that how important that is. I couldn't not say this to you. I've I've never um I see the world completely differently now. I feel dead to this world. We're supposed to die to this world. That's what Paul tells us in Romans. When we are baptized in Christ, we put on the new man, our old life dies. My old life is dead. I was a drug addict, I took psychedelics like all the time. I was smoking weed every day, partying. I was crazy. I lived a wild life before I became a Christian. I wrote a book called Here Comes Trouble About It. I am not the same person anymore. Um, honestly, Jody was probably the last bit of my old life. It still remained, and he's gone now. And so I feel like a stranger in this world. Um but I'll uh I have to meet myself again, and that's happening now. And I'm writing, I'm writing a book called Becoming Human, which is um really gonna talk about this. So that's what I want to throw myself into right now is finishing that book and getting it out to you. It's gonna be um really, really, really, really important story. All right, that's all. I love you. If you want to donate to the uh the see grief brain, you literally like I'll be talking and I can't remember what I'm saying. Oh, my hair's I've lost like my half my hair's fallen out. Um, I've lost a lot of weight, I can't sleep, like it's just I don't know what to do with myself. I wake, I mean, it's tough. So please keep me in your prayers. Um I also just want to emphasize that all glory to God. I know that a miracle has worked with Jody and the way he baptism right before. Sorry, it was a low, low battery sign. The baptism right before he closed his eyes for the last time was truly a miracle. Who gets baptized right before they pass on like nobody? Um so it was a miracle. So all glory to God for that. Um, though I'm sad and I'm mourning and I miss him. My spiritual father said it may seem like John, because we call Jody John now. He's baptized John. I mean, I was baptized Helen. My my name is Kara Helen. Helen is my saint, so they call me Eleni at the Greek monastery that I go to. But John, he said, John may have, you know, may seem like he left early because he was young, 45, but in eternity it's just a second. We're all gonna be there soon. So I love you. I'm here for you. May the most holy Theotokos save us. Welcome back to the Let's Be Friends podcast. This is your host and friend Kara. It's been a while since I've done an episode. It's been uh it's been uh it's been a lot for me the last couple months. Um, and I want to talk about what's been going on with me and share a little bit with you all, my friends. Um I've had this podcast now for five years, and I feel like a lot of you have been along for that whole ride, and I want to thank you for being my friends. Um so some of you may have already heard, because I have talked a little bit on my Instagram page, here comes trouble, um, that Jody, my the love of my life, um, my spouse, for the last 16 years passed away in June, on June 16th, um really unexpectedly and really tragically. Um so that's why I've been taking a break from podcasting and uh put early putting out episodes for this podcast. It's um this has been the hardest thing that I've ever been through in my entire life, and uh it's not something I ever expected to go through. No one should ever have to lose the love of their life. Um, you know, I think I'm I'm fairly young, I'm 43 years old. Jody was 45. We met when I was 29 years old, and he was 30, and we fell in love very fast and moved in together right away. We lived together for almost 15 years, and we got engaged, um, I guess about two years ago, and two, two and a half years ago, um, even though we had been, you know, living together and we're basically just like a married couple. I mean, by common law in Texas where we live, I think it's after 10 years you live with someone, you're considered married. Um, but uh yeah, Jody, Jody passed away. Jody is um he's with God now. So I just want to share um a little bit about what happened and kind of a little bit about Jody and I. Um, if you've read my memoir, Here Comes Trouble. There is a chapter in there called The Night We Met, which talks all about how Jodi and I met. We met outside of a Twin Shadow concert in 2012. I was photographing the show and he was going to the show and we crossed paths, and it was not a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. And the way that he passed, it truly isn't a coincidence either. It's um it's actually it's pretty miraculous what happened. Um Jody was baptized by me on his deathbed just before he passed. And I did what's called an air baptism, which is an emergency baptism. Um, just to show you, you blow three crosses, you go in the name of the father, in the name of the son, in the name of the Holy Spirit. I baptize you, Jody, and then I said in the name of John, because he had picked John the Baptist um prior. We had had a lot of conversations about him getting baptized over the years, so I knew this was a desire he had. Um but Jody was um, he was in the ICU and he was unconscious because there had been a fire at his house while he was sleeping. We hadn't been living together the last year of our relationship for a few reasons. One being, um I when I became a catechumen, when I decided I wanted to become an Orthodox Christian, I really believed that he and I shouldn't be living together, even though we had been and had been like a married couple for the majority of our relationship, 14, 15 years at that point. Um, I wanted to change my life as I became a Christian. I wanted to have God sanctify our relationship. It had never been important to me to get married prior to becoming a Christian, prior to God entering my life, Jesus Christ entering my life. But once he did, um, you know, everything changes in your life. Literally, everything changes. And I wanted our relationship to be, I wanted God to essentially sanctify it. And so I wanted us, that's why, you know, I wanted to get married. I wanted Jody was really, you know, supportive of me becoming a Christian. I wasn't a Christian until five years ago, four years ago, and I went into some of the different denominations in Protestantism, and then eventually found the Orthodox Church, and that's when I became a catechumen, so I could enter the Orthodox Church, and that is essentially a purification process, and it's taken very seriously, and I knew I couldn't um enter the Orthodox Church living with Jody the way I was and not being married, and there was also some other struggles that Jody was going through, and I felt it best that we live on our own. And so when a fire broke out at his house, um, you know, I wasn't there, and he, you know, he was without oxygen for quite some time, but was resuscitated and brought back to life. And then that is when, you know, I I I came and found saw him when he was in the ICU in that unconscious state, and I realized that he um he wasn't gonna make it. And so that's why I did the baptism. I really felt God put it on my heart in that moment that that it would that he needed to be baptized. I knew Jody proclaimed Christ. Um, if you know me on this podcast online, if you're my friend in the real life and I talk about God all the time. Um if you had come into the place that I worked at last year, uh local pastures, you probably came into that store and maybe you're a stranger and talked to me, and I talked to you about God. That's just you're behind me in line at the grocery store, and we start talking. I might talk about God. Jody and I, you know, it was just by proxy, God was talked about. And it was very important to me that um, you know, my my walk with Christ, becoming baptized. He came to my baptism a year ago at the monastery that I attend, and he was really moved by it. And that was when he really decided that he would wanted to be baptized, but there were a lot of complications that stopped that from happening. Um, that I'm not gonna get into in this episode. I do talk more about this in an episode on my membership, the friendship membership. Um, and you know, I'll I'm writing another book called Becoming Human, which is the continuation of Here Comes Trouble. And I um I'm already writing a lot um for that book, hoping to have that book done soon. And uh I'll I'll be talking more in that. That's more how I'm comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life. Um but in the Orthodox belief system, I mean, truly, which is Christianity, we believe in apostolic succession, which is the blessing that Christ gave to his disciples, and then it was an unbroken blessing that the disciples gave to theirs, and then the bishops gave to the priests, and we have it still today. It's an unbroken blessing from Christ, which is the divine grace of God. And that is what makes the sacraments um holy. And when you are baptized, which is a sacrament of the Orthodox of Christianity, Orthodox faith. I just Orthodox is like the unchanged Christianity that Christ taught the apostles. So, you know, we have a lot of denominations today that do things differently throughout time, they've changed, but Orthodox Christianity is it's what Christ taught the apostles. It stayed unchanged. And it is believed when you are baptized, your soul is washed clean. You do a life confession right before, because confession is part of the Orthodox faith, continually repenting and confessing our sins. Um, it is a healing process that God gives us of forgiveness. Christ died for us to give us that healing. And when you are baptized, your soul is washed clean. And that is what prepares you for charismation, which is um charismating the Holy Spirit inside of you. So you also get a guardian angel when you're baptized. Um, so in that moment where I was with Jody when he was on his, you know, in the ICU, essentially on his deathbed. And I didn't know it at the time, but um he was almost brain dead by then because of the lack of oxygen in his house before the fire department and the ambulance came. Um a tear fell from his eye the moment that I I did the baptism in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, and a tear fell from his eye. And you know, baptism means immersion or baptized with water. And I was in shock when all this happened. I mean, I had pulled up to his house um to check on him because I felt something was wrong that day. Details that I'm not gonna go into in this chat. And um, when I pulled up to the house, there were, you know, a lot of police and um the you know appropriate uh vehicles for a fire or a some kind something like this happening at someone's house. And you know, I ran up and I said, I went into shock and I said, My fiance lives in this house, what's going on? And they told me that he was in the ICU fighting for his life, and so I made my way to the ICU and I'm in shock and got my way into the ICU next to him, and it was clear that he probably wasn't gonna make it, and that is when God said baptize him because I I knew he desired that, and if he was going to pass, I wanted him to pass with a clean soul, to return to God with his soul clean, because the purpose of life is the sanctification of our souls, and that is why we receive trials and tribulations, that is why we pray and communicate with God, that's why we confess our sins and our sins are remiss to the grace of God, the divine grace of God, through the forgiveness that we're offered through Christ and his sacrifice that he made for us. And it is really actually miraculous that Jody returned to God with a clean soul. I mean, he couldn't have even had um a negative thought. And that's a miracle that God that God granted for him. And I uh all glory to God. I know how amazing that is, but I'm still I'm still heartbroken, and I'm really struggling with not having him here in my life every day because we spent all of our time together. We were inseparable from the moment we met, and we had a very special relationship, and I love him very much, and I'm grieving now, and I'm really struggling. Um, my friend Shanda did start a GoFundMe to help me out, and that's not something I would have set up for myself. This is I'm a very prideful person. I don't like to tell people that I'm struggling. Just coming on here and and sharing all this with you is um it's a lot for me. Very vulnerable, but I have been out of work now for a while and I've been looking for a job, and I haven't been able to the last couple months. I've been um barely really able to pull myself together. Um so Shienda started a GoFundMe for me to help out. A lot of people have asked, how can I help you right now? You could sign up for the friendship membership, um, or you can if you can donate or pray for me or pray for Jody, who he had told me like six months ago he decided that he wanted John the Baptist to be his saint because when you're baptized in the Orthodox Church, you get a saint, a saint's name, just like Simon became Peter in the Bible, Saul became Paul. We are all reborn, the old man dies, and we are the new man. Um, not every a lot of people don't go by their baptismal names. Mine is Helen. I uh my name is Kara Helen. So I chose Helen, Saint Helen to be my saint. Everyone calls me a Lenny at the church I go to, and a lot of the priests that come on this podcast call me a Lenny. So you can call me a Lenny. I like that, I think that's really it's cute. But Jody is John, so pray for John. May the Lord have mercy on him, may the Lord have mercy on us all. Um, but this has changed me. This has changed me in ways I never knew was possible. I had no idea what grief was until I experienced this. I don't think we can truly understand grief until we experience a loss that breaks our heart. And you enter a new reality, a new world. You're in the same place that you were before, but everything's different and foreign. Um it is a wound that we get that will never totally heal. And I'm only two months into this, but I have so much more compassion. For people that have lost someone they love. And so many people have. It's I've shared a little bit on my Instagram about what's been going on, what I've been going through, and the outpouring of support, kindness, prayers, and people saying, I lost my husband, I lost my wife, I lost my child, I lost my parents. Just seeing the grief community that exists on social media is really so amazing and supportive. And you just grief is unique. It's an experience that you're initiated into when you have a loss, and it changes who you are completely. I am dead to this world now. I really feel that. Christ says we're to die to this world. You die to this world now while you're still alive, or you die at the end of your life, and it's more intense. The saints tried to die to this world while they were still alive. That's what monasticism really is. It's like dying to oneself and becoming obedient to your spiritual father or your elder or just you know to God and letting your will be crucified. My will was I wanted to marry Jody John. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have kids. I wanted to move back in together right away. I wanted it all to happen really quickly. I never intended for us to be living apart for as long as we were at the end, but as I said, there were struggles he was going through that delayed things. And um, my will didn't happen. My will was crucified and it hurts. Your heart needs to be broken to allow God fully into it. We need to be emptied out, our will emptied out, us emptied out for God to come in. That's the purpose of life, is to become all holy, to be one with God, to be one with Christ. We were made in his image, and God wants us to return to him. Like they I love saying this, we are the breath of God, and when we pass, because we don't truly die, you enter into another reality, into eternity with God. You come back to your creator. We are the breath of God, and when you return to him, for those who love him, it feels heavenly. For those who don't, it burns like hell. And it's like, you know, the analogy who can take a hug? Who some people like love and and feel that other people don't want it. You know, they can't love, they're not, they don't have the grace of God yet. And the, you know, like I said, this is the purpose of life, to have your will crucified, because God's will is better. May God's will be done. We know the Lord's Prayer, our Father throughout in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth and as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. And thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Um God's will being done is better than ours, and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me why he has the pictures of us. Jody is gone, but John was reborn, and the angels rejoice when another sinner repents, when another soul is baptized, and paradise gained another soul. When we pass, you know, the first few I've been studying this now, and I have a couple episodes coming out with a priest that I recorded. I need to get out about what happens when we die. Because we all need to know this. We we really need to know this. First of all, you pray for your loved one. The moment they die, you read Psalms 118 and you start praying for them, and you let your priest know. And if they're Orthodox, you let a monastery know, somewhere that's doing a liturgy every day so they can be commemorated for 40 days, because there is this time period of 40 days when the soul, um the first three days, you are you stick around and you go to places that you love and are familiar. And a lot of I've heard that right when people pass, they'll say, Oh, I saw my grandmother, or you know, I saw Christ or someone loving. God allows that to you to because it's hard when the soul separates from the body. You know, we've been in these bodies. Like I noticed from like my taking psychedelics, like, and I know it's not the same thing, but it is an out-of-body experience where it you feel your body separate from your soul. It hurts, it's different, it's a pain. So God gives you this comfort the first couple days, and then the six days after that, you go and you visit heaven, you see what that is, and then for 31 days, you visit hell, and you see what that is. And I'm by no means any expert in any of this, and this is a grand things to talk about that you should read what the church fathers and the saints have to say about this. Um, but hell is the absence of God, sin is separation from God. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were completely with God, completely communing with God in communication with him, doing his will. And then Eve ventured to the edge of the garden. The snake whispered a thought in her head and said, You too can be like God, but which God did intend, but not us making it happen, not our will making it happen, God's will making it happen. Our will making it happen is is no gnosis. It is the occult, it is um it is what I was trying to do when I wrote Here Comes Trouble. It is what people in the new age are trying to do, it is what Kabbalah is teaching, it is ascending to this highest self, this um alchemizing and and and becoming enlightened by your will. That's not the correct way for it to happen because may God's will be done. So in the Garden of Eden, this spiritual separation started through sin. Sin is separation from God, anything that separates you from God and God's will. And so, since God has been trying to bring us back, that's why Mother Mary, the most holy Theotokos, is so important to us, Panagia, because she was so pure, ever pure virgin. Um Mary, and she's higher than the cherubim, more glorious than the seraphim. She's beyond the angels. And we have the Father in heaven, Jesus Christ on his right hand side, and then Mother Mary sitting next to her son. She's higher than the angels, and she is the kind of the she's the second Eve because she did what Eve couldn't do. She was sinless, spotless bride of Christ. And because of that, Christ was able to be born through her. So to be one with God, I mean, she was literally one with God. She had Christ inside her body, he had her DNA, they shared blood. She had to be pure. That's how you become one with God. Sanctification, becoming all holy, just like a baptism washes you clean, and that moment you come out, you are clean. Like John, Jody returned to God clean. It's a miracle. Because right after that, you know, I mean, when I got out of the baptismal font, I thought, oh my gosh, I'm gonna have a bad thought, I'm gonna ruin this. That's what happened to Eve. She had a suggestive thought, she followed it, spiritual separation happened. And then we had God had to wait until the perfect person for Christ to be born through. And it was Mary. And so she is that's why we say, Holy Mother of God, save us, just like you know, you're on the battlefield and uh you know, you're about to be hit by a mortar shell, and you yell to your comrade, save me, and they protect you. She protected us. Mary protected us and saved us and allowed Christ to be born so that God's will could be done, which we know was for Christ to be crucified. He was fully God, fully man. He was crucified, he died, and he went to Hades, where he brought the light, where the light shineth, the darkness is no more. The uncontainable went into the contained place and broke open, bust open the gates of hell. And we know when Christ talks to Peter, he says, Build my church upon this rock, and the gates of hell will never prevail of it. It will, or you know, nothing will destroy the church. So, yes, the purpose of life is to come back to God. The purpose of life is not to be big in this world, it's through humility that we are saved, actually. It was pride that created the problems here, and I see it so clearly now that this world, this life is but a vapor. Christ is gonna come back like a thief in the night, metaphorically for each one of us. It happened to Jody. I didn't know, he didn't know. You don't know when your last day is gonna be. That's why we want to be in repentance all the time. Like the wise virgins, you want to have the oil in your lamp, spiritual oil ready. And that's why we want to live every day for every day. And and and we really we want to be forgiving and loving to everyone. That's why the Bible says, do not let the sun set on your anger. The night before Jody died, we I did call him on the phone. He had we had hung out the day before, and um, I called him that night, and our last words to each other were, I love you. And I don't know why, but when I got off the phone, I texted him again. And our and our last both of our last text messages were I love you. And I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for that. Your last words matter, the way you treat people matters, the way you love people matters. Your kindness, your generosity, your humility matters. What we do in this world, how much money you make, how cool you are, how popular, how pretty. That doesn't matter. Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes it's all vanity, it's all vanity. This existence is Satan's world, it is a simulacrum right now. I it's not, it's not it. We're living for eternity, and that is hard to get to grasp, but it is our hope. Our hope is in Jesus Christ and salvation in eternity. Um I met an atheist the other night out with some friends. I've been trying to do, trying to live, trying to connect with people and push forward. And um he asked, What do you do? I said, Well, I have a podcast. What's it about? Well, lately it's kind of been about God, you know. And he goes, Oh, I don't like religion. I don't like anything about religion. I said, Oh, do you not uh believe in God? And he says, No. And I go, Oh, you're an atheist. And he said, Yes. And I go, you know, it takes a lot more faith to believe in nothing than it does something. Christ lived, he was real. The miracles that he did were seen by so many people. You can't make that up. The synchronicities in the Bible, you can't make that up. Um, 500 people saw him after he resurrected, after the disciples all saw him. And each one of us is getting a revelation of Jesus Christ. If you're here listening now, I'm sure you've had one. If not, I pray you do. I had one. I talk about it, and here comes trouble. You know, I was working as a psychic medium. I didn't believe in Christ. I thought Jesus Christ is a fictitious person in a mythological book called the Bible, and all Christians are in cults. Um, boy, was I wrong. I was in the occult at that time, and I had a vision of Jesus come through as a psychic medium, and it changed my life. I'd never read the Bible. Um, and I suddenly realized over the next week or so I would fall to my knees crying that Christ was fully God, fully man, and that was the truth, the light, and the way, and the missing piece that I always needed. John 10, 9, Jesus is the door, and he is the narrow path, and there is one way to salvation, and it is through him. And to spend eternity without Christ, that's hell. That's hell. And I, you know, I lived for 38 years without Christ, and that was hell, and what I'm going through right now is the hardest thing I've ever been through. And there's no way I would be able to do this without Christ. It's been really hard. But like I said, it was a miracle how God took Jody home. Right after I baptized him, and I had learned how to do the emergency baptism, the air baptism, a year prior at the monastery that I go to, we we sit around and talk to the priests on Sundays. And one of the priests, you know, my godmother actually asked him, What do you do if you come across somebody who's on their deathbed, who's dying, because her kids had seen an accident on the road, and I think they got must have gotten out to help the people, and that guy was dying. And they he said, the priest said, if you know that person proclaims Christ, you bat and they're not baptized, you baptize them. You baptize them, and this is how you do it. You blow in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son, in the name of the Holy Spirit, I baptize you, their name, and then in the name of the saint. And that is called an economia baptism. A exception to the rule is an air baptism, and you want to use pour some water over them as well. I mean, that's the miraculous thing about the way Jody was baptized, John, is that I was in such shock. I didn't even think about the water aspect, but the tear, literally, the instant I baptized him, the instant, this huge tear, huge tear, and he wasn't crying. There was no liquids on his face. His eyes were closed and he was not conscious. And this giant tear, clear, clear, fell down his face. He was baptized in his own tear. And it was if that moment that he just ascended to God. That's how it felt to me in that room. And and I got, I walked out of the room, which I was in alone, and I called the priest, and I said, because they knew, you know, I'd called my spiritual father right away. They were praying at the monastery. All the monks were praying for him. Um, I said, What do I do now? I I baptized him, I don't think he's gonna live. And he said, the priest said, You pray to the mother of God and Archangel Michael to take him home to God. And so I we, you know, I started praying that in my head, and I got off the phone and I walked right back into the room. And there was a nurse in the room now. There wasn't before, and I walked in and he looked up and he goes, Hi, my name is Michael. And I go, What a beautiful name. He goes, Yeah, I never go by Mike. I only go by Michael. What are the odds? It was crazy. There's so many things as I've been writing this out and looking back, so many just things that aren't coincidences that led up to what was happening. And St. Paisio says that God takes each and every one of us at the opportune time for us our salvation. If he sees that you're gonna get better and you live longer, if you're still alive, guess what? It's because God thinks you're gonna get better. There's more repenting for you to do, there's more sanctification for your soul, there's more perfectionism to happen to your soul. But if he realizes that this is the time, the optimal time for your salvation, he takes you home. That was the optimal time for Jody. And I can't be angry about that because I know God is love and I know God is the truth, and I know God doesn't make mistakes. God's will to be done, not mine. My will would have been for this life, for this world, but we're not building up treasures for this world. We'll bring up treasures for heaven, and that is our souls. Paradise is real. Salvation is real, and that is the most important thing in our in that is why we are alive. You want to know the purpose of life, the salvation of your soul, to return to God. There's a book called, I think it's called The Purpose-Filled Life or The Purpose of Life. I remember in high school I read it. Because I wanted to know what's the purpose of this life. I mean, everybody wants to know what do I do with my life? What you are working on the salvation of your soul, you're working it out through fear and trembling, through trials and tribulations. They're teaching you patience. You're being refined, hard-pressed, but not destroyed. And the path is through suffering. Christ says, pick up and f and follow me. Pick up your cross and follow me. We're all given different crosses, the struggles in your life, and God gives you the perfect ones because he knows what you can handle, what's going to bring you back to him. Honestly, in my weakness, God's power is made perfect. We know Paul, St. Paul talks about that in 2 Corinthians 14, I think. In my power or my weakness, God's power is made perfect. We're to be emptied. To see, we are nothing but dust without God, without our creator. We're nothing. We wouldn't be alive without God. This isn't some random big bang accident. This is the world God created for us. And that takes humility. It's pride to think you evolve from a monkey. If we evolve from monkeys, why is the monkey still here? You know what I'm saying? If we evolve from monkey, why is the monkey still here? So that's what's going on with me. And when someone dies, passes. I mean, we don't die, our existence ends in this reality. But Jodie, John is more alive than ever. We know there's a place. Revelation tells us there's a place where there's no more tears, no more pain, no more suffering, no more sorrow. Christ has something created for us. God has something created for us that we can't, our minds can't fathom. And it takes faith to believe that for those, you know, with eyes to see and ears to hear, and those who believe without seeing, it's more blessed to believe without seeing. We know that. This is all from scripture. Um, but yeah, I'm not the same person anymore. Uh, I'm ready to go home to Christ. I mean, it I'm still here. Thank you, God, for this day. Every day, wake up. Thank you, God, for this day. Another day for me to repent, another day for me, if St. Paisio says, you know, to be sanctified and to become all holy. I don't understand. I've I've I've I've had a lot of struggles, you know, where I think, God, like Jody and I were a unit. Like, he was my other half. He was my ride or die, he was my best friend, he was a love of my life, he was my spouse for 16 years. Like my husband. And God took him home. And I'm still here. So I have to think, why am I still here? I don't know. I'm not God, I don't know God's will. But there's more work for me to do. And you know, I I'm I'm trying to snap out of it. I'm trying to get up and and be grateful and and move forward, you know, with everything. But it is hard. It's hard. It's a struggle, right? But we know that this life goes quickly. And I mean, the older you get, you know, if you're like you'll be like, yeah, this life goes quickly. Thank God. Thank God God shortened our lives. But we will all have our turn to return home, and you want it to go well. You want to be baptized in Christ, you want your soul to have been washed clean, and then you want to be maintaining that through prayer, fasting, confession. Um, Communing the blood and body of Christ. That is the greatest gift we have. The last supper that Christ has, the last supper with the apostles is communing the blood and body of Christ. It's right there in the Bible. And that sanctifies our soul and our body. And it heals us in ways and illuminates us in ways we can't even understand. And it cleans our mind out from the mind programming of this world and the occult of this world. And our will is more crucified through it all. You want to have your guardian angel because you know there are the toll houses, which I talk about in some of the episodes I'm putting out. It's grand stuff that I'm not equipped to talk about on my own. But the saints write about the toll houses and talk about them. And it's essentially during that time, probably with the 31 days where you're seeing how you ascend upwards through these toll houses, which are essentially these metaphorical, these not metaphorical, it's real, but it's kind of described as toll houses. It's not like you go to a house and pay your toll, but it is these demons trying to say, look at this unconfessed sin that they didn't do, look at this that they did. They try to pull you away from God, like the legalistic kind of thing. You want your guardian angel there, you want your spiritual father having prayed for you. You want your soul to have been cleaned, and you want to have confessed all that stuff because Christ gave us forgiveness. He says, forgive yourself, forgive others, and then I will forgive you. Forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. God needs us to ask for forgiveness. We have free will, he wants us to ask for forgiveness, and he will forgive anything and do it so that you don't have to deal with it. If you die all of a sudden, if you pass all of a sudden, and yeah, that is, you know, that's the purpose. And anyway, I think I've said enough. Um yeah, paradise is real, and life is tough. We were all we're all gonna experience grief one day in one way or another. Even Christ wept when Lazarus died, his friend Lazarus, Christ wept. Grief is real, grief is the continuation of our love, it shows the depth of the love that we had for someone, the way and the deeper we grieve, and that's something that we carry for the rest of our lives. I um I found a piece of Jody's hair, and I put it, he had long curly hair, he had beautiful hair, uh, a lot like John the Baptist's. He was a lot like John the Baptist. I put a piece of his hair in here and some dirt from St. Paisio's grave and um a piece of Elder Ephraim's tomb that had broken off that I was gifted with, and it's I carry on my neck now this relic. And one day at a time, that's what we have. Today's troubles are sufficient enough. We'll make it. So if um you know, if you want, I I have had a lot of people say, like, how can I help you out, Cara? Um, I'm not gonna lie, it's been really hard for me. And financially I'm struggling. Uh, that's this is for my humility right now. And so I did create, or Shanda created a GoFundMe. There's a link in the bio, but not if you can't do that, pray for me, please. Um, and you know, sign up for the friendship membership. I'm I'm my plan is to get back into podcasting, to get this back off the ground. I want to get, I really want to get back into podcasting and creating content for everyone. This is, I wonder, am I still around to do this, to share these experiences that I've lived. I've I've gone through a lot. I came out of the occult in the new age. I know about that trap. You know, I was misdiagnosed bipolar for eight years. I know about the pharmaceutical trap. Um, I I was, you know, not a Christian, then became a Christian, convert later in life. I know about that. I chose, you know, I came into the orthodoxy, was a catechumen. I know about that. Um, I want to share and I want to help people if I'm still here. The best thing that I can do is love my brothers and sisters, you, my friends, and work on my salvation and and help others. So thank you for being my friends. Thank you for following me along on this chat. Um, I did record a bonus episode on the friendship membership where I talk a lot. I recorded it like a month ago, um, so it's more raw and vulnerable. Like I cry a lot more, believe it or not. Um, and I go into more details about Jody and I's relationship, you know, and what what what happened. It's more private, so it's on the friendship membership. But there's links in the bio. Alright, I love you all. Thank you for being my friends. God bless you.