A Wiser Retirement®
From retirement strategies to investing tips and financial planning guidance, our goal is to empower you with the knowledge you need to make smart financial decisions. Join us every week as we simplify complex financial topics, share real-life success stories, and guide you on your journey to financial freedom!
A Wiser Retirement® Podcast is produced by Wiser Wealth Management, based in Marietta, Georgia. We specialize in Wealth Management and Flat Fee Financial Planning. To learn more about our services, schedule a complimentary consultation to meet with one of our financial advisors: https://wiserinvestor.com/schedule/.
A Wiser Retirement®
299. Financial Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Saying 'I Do'
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
In this episode of A Wiser Retirement® Podcast, Shawna Theriault, CFP®, CPA, CDFA® and Financial Advisor Michaela Dowdy dive into the essential financial conversations couples should have before saying “I do.” From discussing mindsets and money habits to navigating joint goals and future planning, they offer guidance on how to build a healthy financial foundation for marriage.
Related Podcast Episodes:
- Ep 233: How Second Marriages and Blended Families Impact Estate Planning
- Ep 230: What Can and Can't be Included in a Prenup
- Ep 183: How to Avoid Financial Conflict in Marriage
Related YouTube Videos:
- The Financial Pros and Cons of Marriage
Learn More:
- About Wiser Wealth Management
- Schedule a Complimentary Consultation: Discover how we can help you achieve financial freedom.
- Access Our Free Guides: Gain valuable insights on building a financial legacy, the importance of a financial advisor for business owners, post-divorce financial planning, and more!
Stay Connected:
- Social Media: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter
- A Wiser Retirement® YouTube Channel
This podcast was produced by Wiser Wealth Management. Thanks for listening!
Financial Conversations Before Marriage
Speaker 1if that's what one of you wants to do, that you know, while the kids are young, you're going to stay home for three to five years, if not longer, then you know what does that look like on your financial picture. You know, making sure you're having those conversations early and also, you know, as that mindset shifts or, if you do have the vision shift, just discussing those together before one of you gets too bought in, and then it's like a detrimental argument in a way that could totally evolve.
Speaker 3Welcome to a wiser retirement podcast. Are you curious about what financial conversations you should be having with your fiance before tying the knot? I'm Shauna Theriault and today I'm joined by Michaela Dowdy. Each week, we bring you practical advice on retirement, investing and planning for your financial future. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening. Let's get started, hello.
Speaker 1How are you Good? Good, no complaints today. No complaints, no complaints.
Speaker 3I'm a little bit tired because we've been working on a work project, something that's coming soon, so I worked a lot this weekend, which was a good thing.
Speaker 1It was a labor of love but I'm just kind of tired so we're all going to appreciate your labor of love so soon.
Speaker 3Well, it's like I've only feel like I've had a part of it and I feel like it's a small part.
Speaker 1I mean, I guess it's maybe half, but Casey has the biggest part, but I'm like I don't know how he's managing all that, because it's been a lot for me just to do a vacation. I guess, oh, maybe, maybe, maybe he's been working on a vacation on the Island. That's why he's out of office, cause he's actually working on that. Yeah, probably. I mean honestly.
Speaker 3I have to say that when I've been working on it, you know, outside of cause sometimes I try to work on it during work but it's hard to, like you know, switch gears and so I've had to actually go distance myself and go out of the house and go somewhere where it's like a different environment so I could just be creative, juices flowing and stuff like that.
Speaker 1So you know it's good All of the exciting.
Speaker 3you know like the different scenery have a little little retreat change of pace. But yeah, and we're being vague on purpose, so it's coming soon, so you'll hear more about it, but it's definitely been a lot of work so, but it's been a very exciting.
Speaker 1It'll be good. No great, we're all excited about it here at the office because it'll be exciting.
Speaker 3Yeah, to see it Absolutely, and maybe we'll have more, so that'll be exciting.
Speaker 2Yeah, good to see it, absolutely, and maybe we'll have more, so that'll be exciting too.
Speaker 3Yes, there you go Very true, very true. Well, so tying the knot, and so you know something finances is one of those things in marriage that causes a lot of problems and can really cause a lot of fighting. Separation can be one of those things. It's one of the hard parts of marriage, right? Can be one of those things. It's one of the hard parts of marriage, right? So definitely, yeah, and so today we're going to just talk about, maybe, what to consider and talk about before tying the knot. Of course, you find these things out after it's you know you can't change.
Speaker 3I guess you could.
Speaker 1You'd always get divorced. That's what happens, and we don't want that. Nobody wants that. No, no.
Speaker 3Talking about it before is really important.
Speaker 1It is, and it's huge to have these conversations before you. Even I am also one of the proponents of like, maybe even before they're a fiance. Oh, starting to have some conversation Not fully, it's in depth. That's where we're going to go today, right, but just having a little bit of like, I feel like you can get a pretty good sense of someone to a degree and like just kind of bringing it up here and there of like, hey, how do you think about this?
Speaker 1or how you know what was this like when you were growing up yeah.
Speaker 1That kind of stuff, where then you're able to kind of figure those things out before there's even a ring on the finger, because I think even sometimes for a lot of people like we do wait to have like these pre-married like what is it? Premarital counseling, like you know things that everyone kind of walks through of like, oh, ask all these questions. But I feel like there's a lot of you know stress. Once you have the ring on the finger it can feel like you're kind of there. It's like you've already walked down the path a little bit and you're like this would look weird or feel weird.
Speaker 3And you know, yeah, absolutely, I think that's part of it. I mean, the biggest thing is, you know, I think just understanding how you, you know finances is a lot of habits. It's a lot of how were you raised? What were your family like, and that doesn't necessarily mean that's how you are. But our habits are created. You know, health and wealth, it's like your habits are created a lot from when you were little doesn't mean you want to stay there. Some people change their habits because they want to be different than their parents were, you know, or they don't like something.
Speaker 3So, really understanding you know, how do they feel, what is the mindset about it, because that's really going to drive a lot of the decisions, because even you know when you're first starting in a marriage. You may be relatively young if it's your first marriage and maybe you don't really know how you feel about you know some of these things. We learn over time as we get older and we experience things and it's like, oh, I didn't realize, this is what it really was. You know, and so you may not know, but it's still a mindset.
Speaker 1Yes, it is, and it is something that you want to like, and, I think, somehow, on my like drive into work today.
Speaker 1This was just a thought that came to my mind. Even talking through, like, having a financial conversation can be so daunting for so many people, and especially when you're talking about with someone like that you love and you care about, and it can. I think, a lot of times, because we talk about so many divorces, a leading cause is finances, so it can feel like this really big stress point of division, and I think, while it's also this point of division, it's important to know it can also be a very big point of connection for, like you and your partner, and like that was just something I was like you know, like it's such an important reminder to us that you know you can have, while it is, and can be, a stressful conversation for some people, or it can eventually lead to stress down the line. I'm just, if you're not like compatible in the way that you're seeking finances, you haven't had enough conversation, that kind of thing. It can also, though, be the opposite, where it's like a point of connection for the both of you.
Speaker 1Sure, and it's something that you can really, as you're kind of talking about, where it's like those mindsets, if you understand each other's mindsets of, oh well, you were raised in this environment and now you know, maybe it was, you know, oh, your parents took out a lot of debt and it made it to where you were in like this scarcity mindset as a child. So now you're really focused on security and really focused on saving, and your partner might be grew up in an opposite environment and it's like well, how do you marry those two mindsets right? And it's like but it also helps you understand and get to love that person better.
Speaker 1And I think that's where, like these conversations can really come into play, of really having that. It doesn't have to be this big, daunting conversation, like yes, it's a huge part of your life, but it's also just understanding, and it's a point where you both just kind of get to come together in that. But I mean back to mindsets overall, it's just really helping you understand each other. And I actually got at one point I was at a conference and they gave out a card game and it was so fascinating because it has all these different cards and I wish I brought them today. It would have been helpful, since we do a video recording, but I didn't because I was like, ah, it doesn't matter, it's a podcast we can play a game.
Speaker 1But it's so interesting because what it is is just these little cards and it just is like I agree with this, I don't agree with this, or I strongly agree, disagree. You know those kinds of things very like personality based, but then when you flip the card over, it has different like mindsets on them.
Speaker 1Yeah, of like, oh, I'm a security person or I'm, you know, an emotional spender or you know, grew up in this kind of an environment, and it's so fascinating because it's a lot of those questions we don't know how to ask ourselves. Yeah, and it's a lot of like introspection, I guess, in a way of like you know what even is my money?
Speaker 3Right, because you don't even. You don't even know Right, and sometimes you don't know until maybe you start off on a path and you start doing what your parents did. Maybe you are starting to get a lot of debt or you're, you know, instant gratification world where you're like I want to buy it now, pay for it later, like those kind of mindsets.
Speaker 3Or then you have the super saver so you may not know until you start working and you're further along in your career and you're you're coming across obstacles and things and you know you may not know until later. And so figuring out what does that even mean? I think that's important too, and having those conversations um cause you know and, and we could start off similar together because we think, oh, that's reasonable, but then you really feel one way or the other when it really comes to pass. And that's maybe where the division happens to, where you know you start thinking differently and you know, always remember to try to, you know, meet each other in the middle Maybe it's somewhere in the middle and just having an open mindset and dialogue with your spouse and patience, and you know understanding with each other, both ways you know, because maybe one who spends a lot and one who saves a lot Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Speaker 3It could be, but if you can find a way to meet in the middle, then maybe this person who saves a lot could have a little more, you know, lenience and a little more less restriction or feel less restrictive, whereas the person who feels like they spend a lot maybe like, okay, I can learn how to save more and you can meet in the middle, you know. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen that a lot though.
Speaker 2I know what we've seen.
Speaker 3It's usually, you know, either they're in tandem or they're opposite tandems and the opposite tandems. Sometimes those are really hard conversations, you know.
Speaker 1Yes, and I feel like that's even kind of where you lead towards and I know we're going to get into this later but in towards that. Are they going to be joint finances, cause you're equally aligned, or are you going to go completely opposite, cause you're not equally aligned? Well, that's true.
Setting The Foundation For Money Talks
Speaker 3Totally. We've seen people that come in here, even you know, not in second marriage. We see a lot with separate finances. With second marriages I do, and so I'm, I'm, I'm assuming you do too. But you know, with first marriages is normally you know you normally see them pulled together, but I've seen a couple that are separate, so you know where it's like one has debt and maybe the other one doesn't, and so those are good conversations to have, you know. So you know, going into maybe you know, obviously first the mindset and then being open to that discussion and understanding what your mindset is. But then looking at discussing the income and like what are your overall career goals? You know, what are you wanting to accomplish? What does that look like monetary? You know what is the current income versus the future earning potential there?
Speaker 3And so you know understanding. You know maybe things like do you want to go back to school? Do you want to change careers? Do you like what you're doing? You know where does that and sometimes that is. You may not know the answer, that either, but having the open dialogue was last thing you want to do is get married and be like, oh, I really want to go back to school and take a few years off and go this direction. And it's like well, wait a minute, we didn't even talk about that. That's going to put a financial strain on the household because you're going to not be working maybe for a little while, and now we have an expensive school.
Speaker 1And that was never talked about. Yes, like, and that's a huge turn point, and I think it is something where you do just want to be honest about all of your dreams and aspirations, even if they're, like, kind of ambiguous. You're like, I don't even know I'm going to make this happen, or maybe it's never going to happen, but I want to let you in because you're my partner. I am tinkering with this in the back of my mind, but I think it is something too we're talking where it's like talking about mindset shift, goals shift, income shifts, like all of it's going to shift. So that's why this open dialogue is so important to continue throughout marriage, regardless of having this initial conversation because it's like I don't even know where it's from.
Speaker 1But you know like they constantly talk about how it's like, oh, when you're married, you like kind of get a new spouse every few years. You do and it's like because life is happening to both of you and, like you know, you're having that growth together, but also separately and individually your individuals too and, um, you definitely just kind of have to figure out okay, well, now we're totally different than we were when we were in our twenties or you know.
Speaker 1Okay, now we're in our forties, it's 20 years of life here and that is totally different than you know where we were when we started out in our marriage, and our mindsets are totally different because also you're likely in a totally different um income situation as well. So you're probably not in the like 20 scarcity, like oh my gosh, how are we going to make ends meet? Kind of thought process. It's more of that.
Speaker 3Oh, you know we're doing great, you're finally having the income and the good savings and maybe the kids are starting to go off to college and those things. And so, yeah, you know it's definitely, you know it definitely changes over time and having to like recheck in and stay checking in and, you know, stretching and growing together.
Speaker 1Yeah, but even with that, though, like talking through those just visions that you have for the future, though, and making sure that you are aligned in those, whether it even is, like one of you might want to be like a stay-at-home parent. You know, like we talked about on a podcast I think that comes out before this one yeah, yes, it does okay, um, and so, like we've talked earlier, you know, just just having that, ok. Well, if that's what one of you wants to do, that you know, while the kids are young, you're going to stay home for three to five years, if not longer, then you know, what does that look like on your financial picture?
Speaker 1You know, making sure you're having those conversations early and also, you know, as that mindset shifts or, if you do have a vision shift, just discussing those together before one of you gets too bought in, and then it's like a detrimental, like argument in a way that could totally evolve.
Speaker 3Absolutely no question. And then when you're, you know, I think I think this is one of those things when you're looking at what we're going to talk about next, maybe you should be engaged, I don't know, that's up to you all, but you know, laying out what are your assets and what are your debts, you know. So that way you both are going into it open, wide eyes, wide open. So you understand, here's my assets, here's my debts. You know, maybe you're bringing a lot of student loans to the marriage, maybe you're bringing, you know, credit card debt, et cetera. So, you know, just understanding, and sometimes it's second marriages and that looks totally different too, because you have had a lot of life and maybe you know you've gone through a divorce and you have alimony payments or child support, and so really just having an open dialogue like what does it look like and how are we both going to contribute to this and what does this look like?
Speaker 3But understanding, you know, the debts and the assets, I think are really important. You know, not necessarily. So you know, I'm not saying that somebody has to, you know, have a lot of money for them. You know, obviously this is about love and long-term. But wanting to understand. You know, is this, is this something where we're? We may struggle, that you know, for a while. Or we, we're both going to do okay. Or you know, if there is debt, is there some sort of repayment plan? You know that maybe you can do together. Or you know, I've seen where some individuals are just very adamant that they brought this in and they want to take care of this debt and they don't feel like it's right that their partner pays for it.
Speaker 3But then I've seen the opposite, where it's like well, no, we're a unit now, and so we'll do this together. It's our future, you know.
Speaker 1So, that is a huge conversation and I it is so sweet. I remember it's a couple years ago now being in a client meeting and it was a couple they'd recently gotten married, like very much newlyweds, had been a few months, and the wife had some student like student loan debt I mean nothing crazy substantial, but like she did, and he, as the husband, was just like, yeah, we're gonna tackle it together. And her, like, as the wife, she was like no, it is my debt, it is not his responsibility. It was just adamant, like he does not need to help me with this, like I did this, like this is not his responsibility, and it was just so sweet to see him love her so well and just be like no, like we're jointly in this together.
Understanding Financial Mindsets And Backgrounds
Speaker 1I knew what this was before we got married. Yeah, like, and I we're going like we are now joined together and we're going to tackle this together. And I know that's not for everyone, but it was just like such a sweet like sentiment to see like he, because he was definitely the breadwinner out of their family and it was just sweet to see him just kind of like step into that like I want to provide for you and I want to make sure that you know we are taking care of and putting ourselves on a good footing as we start off this marriage.
Speaker 1Great, even if you know, because you're educated, you have a job like it's like it got you to where you need it to be and like it was just like really sweet to see him like love her so well through that and it's helping both of us in our careers and our finances Exactly her so well through that and it's helping both of us in our careers and our finances, Exactly, you know.
Speaker 3That made me think of something else. You know, I've seen a couple situations where where someone comes from a different background talking about you know what you were just saying, but also the mindset and how you were raised, and I've seen where, you know, maybe one person comes from a family that has some wealth and then maybe the other didn't. And you know, I've seen this and sometimes it's the psychology of money. Right, it's like the historically, or you know not to get into male versus female or what have you in roles, but we all have roles in our marriage, right, and so you know, sometimes the male feels like they need to support and you know that kind of thing and be the protector.
Speaker 3But if she comes from wealth, I've seen where, in that kind of situation, you're saying where he's like I don't want you to pay for my stuff and I don't want you to do this, because they want to prove that they can take care of their spouse, and there's those dynamics are really hard, especially if you're coming into a marriage where you know the other individuals used to a certain lifestyle. Yes, and you know, you feel. You feel maybe she does, he or she doesn't feel like you have to live up to that, but maybe your perception is I have to live up to that, Right, and so you feel like you have to keep up with the Joneses or keep up with the family or what they've been accustomed to.
Speaker 3And here you are coming to this, where maybe you're not there, or maybe you're not even going to be there at some point, you know, and so that those are hard conversations to have too Cause, what does that look like?
Speaker 1No, exactly. Yes, it's a huge conversation, especially, I think, when it is like having those kind of unspoken expectations even if it's for yourself or it's for your partner and it's like but if you just talk through it like it is something where it's like likely your spouse is either not expecting that or if they are, then you'll need to figure out how you're going to get on that same status or page, or you know?
Speaker 1OK, well then, this is how we're going to get it to where the conversation and having an open dialogue, and so you know not getting kind of caught up in your own like spiral as a person of like oh my gosh, they're, they want this, they need this, and it's like did they ever actually tell you that?
Speaker 3right, right, you know, like the assumptions we make we're our own worst critics sometimes, and the assumptions we make and the dialogues we have in our heads may not even be real. Yes, right, exactly.
Speaker 1So it's very important to just you know, and it's huge, especially going into a conversation like this, to not have those when it's like oh well, I know that they want this, this and this, and like I can't provide this, this and this right now, and so that means that conversation and it's like no, you have to go in expecting a great conversation. You have to also go in like very open-minded with each other, because you honestly don't know what the other person totally is going to view like and sure I've seen where it's.
Speaker 3Like. You know, I don't want all that stuffiness that I was raised in.
Speaker 2I just want to have a feel like I have a you know whatever a normal life, I mean it's all normal, but you know what?
Speaker 3I mean where it's like I don't really want that, it doesn't matter to me, it's just stuff. So you know understanding how they feel about those things.
Speaker 1So I think that's great, huge difference too, and but definitely having that conversation, I feel like we keep going off on these little like emotional rabbit holes, but it is emotional. That's the thing people are so emotional about their money and they're like it is.
Speaker 3That's the thing. Yes, it's like it's black and white and it's on paper, but it's not. You know, that's it's causes a lot of friction and I'm proud of that couple for being newlyweds and coming in and doing planning. Yes, you know a lot of them don't start doing planning as newlyweds. They wait till later because they don't feel like I don't have enough money to do planning or whatever, and but you have to start planning early.
Speaker 1Yeah, you know that you have money planning early, yeah, you know, so that you have money, exactly, exactly. And it's also just to not have like you have a game plan and just have someone that can come alongside you and just be like rooting for you and your marriage Absolutely. And you know, as you do tackle difficult conversations, especially because I feel like and I feel like, shawnee, you speak to this more so than even me I'm just like having, you know, kids come into the mix and that changes everything.
Speaker 3Um, as far as you know finances and we talk about that I feel like so frequently.
Speaker 3Oh, I know, and that's that's like aligning on financial goals. It's like you don't know what kind of parents you're going to be. You think you might have a vision of what kind of parents you might be. It could be based on how you were raised. It could be based on what what you don't want to be and how you were raised. It could just be. You know, you have this picture in your head and anything we picture in our head never ends up the same way. You know. It's like before I had kids, I'm like I would never make a separate meal for them.
Speaker 2I would never let my kids sleep in the bed. Well, I might if I'm tired, and it's survival mode when you have littles and you're exhausted from working all day I might.
Speaker 3I've eaten crow so many times since having children. It's not even funny, um, but you know that is a good point. As far as making sure, like your goals are aligned and what you envision, especially with children. Yeah, you know, do you picture private school or public school? Um, maybe you were raised in private school and so you really want your kids to go to Christian private school or something and it's like, well, that's a whole different financial status.
Speaker 3You know, when you're paying, like, basically, college expenses every year for like their whole, you know that's a completely different thing. Or you know, understanding, if you're on board with, well, I want to pay a hundred percent of their college. Or you know, maybe we give them a partial amount. Or you know, I think it's good for kids to have student loans. You know, you may have different viewpoints on that. I've seen some parents like we're not paying for college and I've seen some parents are like I will do anything to pay for my kids college, even if it means that I have a less of a retirement. Yeah, you know, those are two different mindsets and sometimes you don't know what kind of parent you're going to be until you're in the situation, which is hard and so, but going into it, maybe having those conversations in the beginning. You know, are you all about the kids doing travel sports and spending tens of thousands of dollars a year to do like cheerleading or you know whatever, or travel baseball or horses.
Speaker 2You know, Casey's daughter does horses.
Speaker 3So it's like you know, know, are you okay with those things and investing that, um, or do you see that as frivolous? Yes, like, why would I ever spend that, you know, um. So it's really interesting just having those conversations about college and sometimes you don't know when you're first in a marriage, but I've seen sometimes with second marriages where you're just a little, maybe you're a little bit older, maybe you have been through, you know, some discussions with a previous spouse and you're trying to be different this time and or or maybe you're not the one that needs to be different or wants to be different. But you know, and having those conversations up front, I see that more, those kind of more deeper conversations in you know later marriages or second marriages, just because you've had some life happen to you and you have, you have a little more knowledge.
Speaker 3You know a little more experience in those things and you've kind of seen a little bit more you know versus if you're getting married in your twenties and you've never been a parent, it's kind of hard to like you know picture.
Speaker 1What does that look like? Or?
Speaker 3what is that? You know, but some may already have strong points on that.
Speaker 1Quick check-in have you thought about the legacy you'll leave behind? Download seven steps to leave a financial legacy. A free guide from Wiser Wealth Management to learn more. It's not just about wealth, it's about leaving a lasting impact. Go to wiserinvestorcom forward slash guides to download your free guide today. Now let's jump back into the episode. No, and I think it is something like kind of I mean how you're saying to you, or it's just like it shifts over time and it is, you know, figuring out, like and knowing and giving space to your partner when that does happen or when it could happen, and then figuring out, OK, well, where do we want? To come back to this point, If one of us has shifted, how do we, you know, now navigate this? Ok, well, at one point you really, you know, wanted the kids to be in this travel sport, and now you're like no, I don't Right, Like why?
Speaker 1Like what's changed, or oh, at one point it was we were going to fully fund college and now it's like you know, maybe that kid needs a student loan.
Speaker 3You meet your children and they turn out to be a certain personality. It's like, well, they need to learn a little more responsibility, you know so maybe they need to take out a little bit of loans so that they would be able to pay it back, you know. So, and children are all different too. They can be raised in the same home and they're totally different.
Speaker 1Oh, 100%. And you have to like parent them differently. You do, and then it's not fair, it's like.
Speaker 3Well, life is not fair. Let me tell you. I'll be the first one to tell you life's not fair honey. So you know those conversations are really really hard.
Speaker 3Another one on financial goals. It's like do you want to retire early? What do you envision with that? And sometimes it's hard to even think about retirement when you're that young. You know, and you know thinking about things like aging parents or helping with that. And again, I feel like some of these conversations happen later. I feel like some of these conversations happen later, but if you have the overall feel of how you know, if you know that one of their parents may be ill and they're going to be taking care of them one day, you know how do you feel about that?
Speaker 3You know, those kinds of conversations. Yeah, and sometimes again, we don't know if they're younger.
Speaker 1Yeah, well, I think it's also something, too, where it's like even like I hate to be the person that's like taking your birth order into account, a little bit of like, or you know where you're at, where it's like okay for the eldest daughter, typically you're the one that's going to be in charge of your parental care, statistically speaking, I'm not saying that's always right, but typically speaking, that's kind of how it happens.
Speaker 1And then even especially if you're like an only child, it's like, yeah, of course that's going to fall on you and so there's no one else really there for that. So that's where I mean I do think that that's like a huge conversation to have, because a lot of times that can determine location where you need to be in the future financially. You know, how are we going to provide if our parents are not, you know, in a great financial footing, like if we're the ones that are better off in the sense of you know, we still have income coming in because we're still working, like how much are we giving to, or, you know, supporting them? Or what is even the balance? I've seen with siblings, other siblings, like maybe you're the primary caretaker but or the primary contact for your parent or whomever for, like, their health and wealth and all of that. But then it's like, well, how do the other siblings then?
Speaker 2or like how, what does?
Speaker 1that manage mix, then I feel like that causes a lot of tension with spouses. Right, because it's like your spouse can be like well, I don't know why we're having to foot this bill when you have three or four other siblings over here that could also be supporting this, because it's also their parent too, and it's like then he gets into the family dynamics and it just snowballs. Well, it's true, because you're marrying into the family right.
Speaker 3So it's kind of like you're marrying into that and so you have to understand those dynamics.
Aligning On Goals For Children And Education
Speaker 1But it's so important, though, to have those kind of conversations before it becomes that emotional snowball. Yeah, and to like be like. Well, we did talk about you know. At one point, we were really thinking this. Yeah, we did talk about. You know, at one point we were really thinking this yeah, we were both still level headed, we weren't thinking about all of these emotional. That does pull in, because you do start, especially if it's like a health decline it starts to be like a grief.
Speaker 1You're starting to go through grief, yeah, in a very small form and, like you want to make sure that you're, you know, taking that into account, but you do want to have those conversations ahead of time.
Speaker 1So then you can be like well, this is what I said when I wasn't upset or when I wasn't angry or I wasn't, you know, frustrated with how things are going or just exhausted, right, and so I think it is like kind of what you're saying, but it can be difficult to find out. What does that look like? Yeah, and how do you find that balance, especially if you're not in that situation yet, because it totally shifts just depending on the situation as well you never know.
Speaker 3No, yeah. And then things change over time. Like we said, you know, um, something that wasn't there could end up being there, and then you make decisions at the time. You just don't know. You know that's where you just there's always going to be something there's always going to be something thrown at you and it's like that's where you just have to navigate together. Yeah, um, also, creating a joint budget would be good. Just talking about budgeting, um, we've seen couples that do it separately.
Speaker 3Um we've seen couples that do it together. Most couples do it together, yes, I would say the majority I've seen in second marriages maybe keeping the budget separate, um, or maybe there is debt and stuff, but most of the time they do it together because being on the same page with the budget and just making sure that we agree with what we're spending and all of this, I think that can keep not really a checks and balances, but really just keep everyone on the same page. Yes, and we're not overspending or, you know, under saving and all of those things, exactly so so we can meet our long term goals.
Speaker 1I think it's just a little bit of that like accountability mindset and it's not like I feel like the accountability word is like a kind of a tough word, I think in some ways it's like I don't want my husband to tell me what I can and cannot buy. It's my money too. And it's like, or you know, the other way around, I don't want my wife to tell me what I can, I cannot, buy. I don't want her to, you know, stereotypically nag me about it, like that kind of thing. And it's like that's not really the case of what it should be, of course, like that's a conversation that comes into play, but it it really should be a.
Speaker 1We have this goal, we have this vision for ourselves and hey, if we're like frivolously spending on all these other things that do not align with that goal, then maybe we do need to come back to the table and say, okay, have our priorities shifted or do we need to recenter ourselves towards our goal? Yeah, and like I think that's really kind of more so what it kind of outlines, or it's even like talking through that mindset, like I know I'm a person, I'm an emotional spender, like if I'm like going through the trenches, I'm going to be a person who's like I think I need a little treat. You know like I want to go buy that new shirt. You know like, whatever it may be, but it's like okay, if my partner's loving me well and he starts, you know, seeing, like okay, she's going and spending this, this, this and this, like every day. Yeah.
Speaker 2She's getting a little treat.
Speaker 1Yeah, okay, maybe I should check in you know not to say, hey, I see you're spending, but just say, hey, how are you doing? Yeah, hey, like I just want to check in and make sure everything's going well. Is there anything I can support you with? Yeah, and it's like that opens that dialogue of like, because you, as a partner, understand this is how my person gets. You can now check in with them, not in a way that's like demeaning their financial spending. We don't want to do that.
Speaker 3That causes ridiculousness. That doesn't need to happen, especially when you're, you know, an advisor that you know is well, build their own career and all that. So yeah.
Speaker 1So it's just one of those where it's like, okay, no, but like I am noticing this out of you, cause that's just you know something that you do, but it's like no, like let me just check in and see how it's going and see how life is happening and like make sure that there's not a way I could be supporting my partner better and it's just having that kind of a view of finances and that that can kind of help you understand your partner, even in the opposite, where it's like maybe they're like really squirreling away money and you're like, what is like, what are what are you stressed about? Like, why are you so stressed about finances? Like you know, just like wanting to hold it all right now, like why are we hoarding cash? Like, and you know, um, being really picky about spending, like what, what is going on? That made me think about, like different investment styles too.
Speaker 3Yeah, like what if somebody is like really conservative and the other one's like no, we should, you know, buy everything in gold or something?
Speaker 2or crypto, you know it's like everything double down.
Speaker 3Yeah, you know that that's a huge discussion to have and, again, you may not know what that is, but if you've already started investing, just understanding the differences investing, yes, because I've seen that too. Where it's this person's ultra conservative and this one is, you know, not at all, and so that that's really hard. It's like I want $50,000 in the bank at all times and it's like, well, that's too much cash to have. We don't need to have all that.
Speaker 2You know this is not a doomsday scenario you know.
Speaker 3So it just depends on you know how you feel about that as well. Oh, 100%. And then another important things to talk about is talking about your taxes. You know taxes will change. Filing together, Filing together is typically better when you're married, just because there's a lot of tax breaks there. But, understanding, make sure there's no tax liens on the other person, understanding that they paid their taxes and all of that Going back to, like the debt discussion.
Speaker 3And then you know, talk about the taxes and how that's going to change. Maybe run tax projections together, especially your first year of marriage and ongoing, just to make sure everything's still in alignment and insurance and beneficiaries as well. So you know health insurance, you know life insurance. Looking at beneficiaries, you know, are you going to switch beneficiaries after you get married or is this a situation where this is where some of the hard conversations could come in, where maybe it is a second marriage and you have children from a previous marriage and you know how do we want that to go if something were to happen with the life insurance and the beneficiaries of the accounts, you know.
Speaker 3So those are really hard conversations to have and I think they're important to have beforehand with a trusted advisor, just because estate planning can be really complex and talking about beneficiaries and all of that. I think that's a conversation that needs to be, having a state planning attorney or financial advisor just to look at everything and just understand, because you know, on one hand you don't want to leave necessarily your spouse without the means to live, you know if something were to happen to you, but at the same time you may not want to just leave everything to your spouse and maybe disinherit your children, you know. So having that set up properly and just discuss it together before getting married, I think, is very important, because that would that could be a huge surprise later and cause, you know, some friction there too no, and you definitely want to be on the same page because it's something that you two like.
Speaker 1Whether it's you, I'm happy to put you as a beneficiary, you know, the first week of our marriage or no, we're going to wait, you know, like whatever it may be, but also figuring out, just like what you're saying, like if there are different, complex relationship dynamics there, you want to make sure you're taking those into account as a team and as a unit now, instead of, you know, having really that surprise later. Because maybe it is that if your spouse is like, oh yeah, they got all this, like life insurance, all these things, but it's like all of it's actually going to like your children, or you know those are the beneficiaries and it's like actually like no, your spouse then needs to be, you know, having provisions for themselves in place or we need to talk about what their provisions are, and so that's definitely a huge conversation to have.
Speaker 1that can feel a little, you know, tiptoe a little bit of you know how, how do we manage this and how do we protect one another? Because you do, I'm sure. If you're getting married, you likely love each other. We hope that's the goal, yeah, so at that point you want to make sure that you likely are wanting to take care of each other and make sure that you are taking care of even if it is a second marriage. But what does that balance look like?
Speaker 3Or if there's like a prenup, and you know we did a whole show about that as well.
Creating A Joint Budget And Investment Styles
Speaker 3Yes, so understanding all that and the assets and, you know, not commingling or commingling, understanding all those. But even still, even if it's not a second marriage, sometimes there is inheritance from, like, your parents, or maybe they're gifting to you and they don't want you to commingle it. I mean most of the times the parents have put that in like a trust for the child, usually, or the adult, potentially, but not always. Potentially but not always. I mean they could be just gifting, you know, to them over time and definitely keeping that separate if that's the wishes of the parents or, you know, the grown child. So understanding those dynamics as well, planning for emergencies, you know, again, this is like the doomsday thing again, but always have an emergency fund.
Speaker 3We talk about that in planning, always have an emergency fund, but just planning on emergencies. You know how much to save, how much to keep aside where to put it. Talk about high yield savings potentially for your emergency fund. Should we have three to six months Understand if you're saving for something like maybe you're coming together in a marriage and you're buying a house together, or maybe you're selling a house and buying another one because one already has one, or turning one into a rental property. So having those discussions on you know emergency savings, what to do in the event of emergency or how they would handle it, and then the house situation as well, I think that's really good discussions to have.
Speaker 1No, that's huge. And even like for that planning for emergencies, even you know, making sure, like figuring out, I think for that savings is, what kind of savers are you? Cause I think there are people that also approach you know there's saving first dollar of every. You know paycheck is going to go towards this you know, like that first portion.
Speaker 1You know, first of the month, everything's going here and then whatever's left over is what I have to spend. And there's the other mindset that it's okay, well, I'm going to get my paycheck, pay my bills, do my spending, then I'm going to save what's left Right. And it's finding and meshing those two personalities sometimes as well. That can be a little difficult and figuring out, well, what kind of savers are you, even when you are trying to plan, whether that be for emergencies or just building your investments overall, what does that look?
Speaker 3like, and even charitable yes, charitable donations and savings or tithing. If you do that, you know all of that, making sure you're aligned.
Speaker 1There is huge Right, and even something I kind of thought of as far as going through the budget before we jump to other things here is making sure to I think this is a pinpoint I've seen is just having when you're having those kinds of conversations of, well, what is you know each person's mindset and viewpoint and not trying to cause tension especially if you're doing joint finances is a little bit especially early on is figuring out, okay, well, what amount of an expense is okay to have without consulting your partner. Oh, that's fair, because I think there's a difference there. Where it's like, especially if you're someone that grew up in like a wealthier family, it'd be like oh, I saw my mom spend a thousand dollars and not bat an eyelash, right, not even think about calling my dad. Or you know you could be the other way, where it was like, no, like you know my dad wouldn't spend you know $20 without calling my mom.
Speaker 1You know there's like different things. Where it's like that's a good point, where does that, you know point come into. Where it's like hey, like I need a phone call if you're going to spend this amount, because we have a goal here and we need to make sure we're aligned or you know something like that, where it's just like you at least have that kind of discussion to know like, oh, I'm going to go buy a vacuum cleaner and I'm going to spend I don't know how expensive vacuum cleaners are A couple hundred, maybe A couple hundred, you know.
Speaker 1I don't know, depends, depends, but you know it's like those kinds of things of like, oh, I need to go buy this for the house and like, this is how much it's going to be, and do I need to discuss that with my partner or just go buy it, and I think that's like a big thing where setting, expectations setting, those expectations, because it's like we're saying if you have unspoken expectations, it leads to those problems.
Speaker 3No, that's a great point, and not necessarily asking for permission, but just to set expectations.
Speaker 3And that's why I love that you know, when we're doing planning, we set that family mission statement that can change over time. It's like, really, it's you know what, what is your family mission statement and you know what are your family goals, so that way you can help each other right. It's a partnership. So it's like okay, to your point, you have these goals you're trying to meet. Is what we're about to do in our actions align with our goals. And so that helps the discussion there too, cause you can just pull it back to what you both agreed to or what, what you really your vision is. So you know, maybe in your example, if you're giving yourself a treat, it can be like well, wait a minute, we have these goals and is it really worth it to you? And maybe that changes your habits over time, cause you're like, oh, it makes you think. And then just like, well, maybe that instant gratification isn't really serving me, because then I just end up with the stuff that I don't really need.
Speaker 1I don't know, I'm not trying to. You know you don't really need.
Speaker 3And it's like well, here's the goal, and this isn't getting you to the goal it made you happy for a? Second, but long-term, it really didn't. Yes, Right, no, exactly. Well, it's a short-term versus long-term.
Speaker 1No just for me. Yeah, guys, this is actually for me. We're worried about her spending. It's actually my intervention. I'm kidding.
Speaker 3I love it. I love it. You have to be aligned with what you're training.
Speaker 1You're teaching people to be disciplined.
Speaker 3So we have to be disciplined right. We have to lead by example, and I know you do. I'm only teasing.
Speaker 1Yes, no 100%, but I'm so guilty of the little like I'm gonna go get this little like ten dollar coffee well, that's, it's the twenty dollar.
Speaker 3Twenty dollar, yeah to a hundred, which eventually adds up to a thousand, which eventually adds up.
Speaker 2You know, it's like you could have invested that.
Speaker 3Yes and s&p 500 and be really further along.
Speaker 1You really could, yeah, I know, and it's those little steps, especially early on, like in your marriage, is making those if you know first marriage, you really young, whatever it may be like, making those like little intentional steps really can get you so far ahead Absolutely. And they might seem minuscule now but they actually do mean a lot.
Speaker 3It'll serve you well in the long run, for sure, and you're setting up those habits for yourself, for your household, but then maybe your children in the future as well, because, again, like we said a lot of times, you learn your habits when you're little and it's just ingrained in you and it's not intentional, it's just whatever you're exposed to, and so if you have good habits, then hopefully it doesn't mean always, but maybe your children have good habits too and it'll just carry on.
Speaker 1Exactly.
Speaker 3No, definitely so I wanted to just go through a couple of podcasts. I think we already mentioned a little bit here. Episode 233, how Second Marriages and Blended Families Impact Estate Planning. We mentioned that a little bit, but that's a good episode. Episode 230, what Can and Can't Be Included in a Prenup. Episode 183, how to Avoid Financial Conflict in Marriage that would be a great one, and we also have a video in the show notes the financial pros and cons of marriage. That would be great to watch. So if you need a financial check in before tying the knot, please feel free to reach out to us to schedule a consultation with our team to create a financial roadmap. Tell it to your life together. We do enjoy doing that. You know we look at anything from budgeting and debt management to joint goal setting, the family mission statement and long-term planning, and we'll help you start your marriage on a confident financial footing.
Planning For Emergencies And Setting Expectations
Speaker 1Yeah, please reach out to us and also just know that, like I mean, we just had I just met with a client who was a sweet couple and they were pre-engagement or like right out of engagement, had just gotten engaged and aren't really even tying the knot till, I think like august 2026. Yeah, but they wanted to just go through the process and make sure they had just purchased a home together but like, like our finances are becoming joint before technically, like we're tying the knot, so we just want to, you know, make sure that we're on the right footing and like that is so huge and know that I mean really. I mean, if you're wanting to, even before, especially your tie in the knot, then of course, like we are here to help and build that financial plan for you guys to make sure you do start off strong, because this is a huge proponent of your life and your overall marriage as a whole and the health and wealth of it.
Speaker 3Absolutely, absolutely Great. That's so helpful. Well, thank you for listening to today's episode. Well, thank you for listening to today's episode. If you're interested in learning more about Wiser Wealth Management or want to schedule a consultation to meet with one of our fiduciary financial advisors, you can do so by going to wiserinvestorcom or clicking the link in the episode notes. We will see you next week.
Speaker 2Thanks for listening to a Wiser Retirement Podcast. We hope you enjoyed today's episode. Make sure to subscribe wherever you're listening. That way you don't miss any new episodes. We'd also appreciate if you could leave a rating and review. If you have any questions about anything that was discussed today, head to wiserinvestorcom and reach out. This podcast is strictly for informational purposes only and is not to be considered as investment advice or a solicitation to buy or sell any financial products, securities, digital assets or any other investment vehicles or a basis to Thank you on this podcast. Neither the host nor guests of the show are compensated for their participation and no referral fees are paid to or received by any host or guest for clients, listeners or similar interests. Investments involve risk and, unless otherwise stated or not guaranteed, be sure to first consult with a qualified financial advisor, tax professional, insurance professional and or legal professional before implementing any strategy discussed herein. Past performance is not indicative of future performance.