The Heavyweight Collective
Welcome to *The Heavyweight Collective*, where every week, a dynamic group of four—“this lady and these three guys”—come together to discuss a wide range of topics that both warm the heart and nourish the soul. The Heavyweight Collective brings together four unique individuals, each with their own perspective, to engage in open and honest conversations about real-life situations. Whether you're in need of a good laugh to release some tension or you're seeking real answers to life’s tough questions, tune in to *The Heavyweight Collective* Whatever you're looking for, you’ll find it here.
The Heavyweight Collective
Bobby Creekwater
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This episode is a raw conversation about what strength looks like when you’ve spent your whole life in survival mode. We talk about childhood trauma, unspoken grief, and the pressure on Black men to stay composed at all times.
We also unpack how we process pain, where we find peace, and what happens when we finally stop pretending everything is fine. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hold it all in, this one will hit home.
Thanks for tapping in with The Heavyweight Collective!
Make sure you follow, subscribe, and share with someone who needs this convo. Catch us on all socials for clips, updates, and more behind the mic. https://linktr.ee/TheHeavyweightPodcast
Welcome to Heavyweight Podcast
Speaker 1Welcome to the Heavyweight Podcast.
Speaker 2The message behind saying the title of the Heavyweight Podcast is to be able to say that we can weigh in on some heavy shit. What we're talking about is important from every aspect of it. It's a heavy weight. It's not just about physical weight, but the weight of things that can weigh our minds. So I think it's dope that we can have this conversation. So I think it's dope that we can have this conversation.
Speaker 3One, two, three, I got six extra buttons plus the regular buttons, plus I got the quick one. It's a lot of fucking buttons.
Speaker 2I mean it's practice right for other things.
Speaker 3Get them fingertips strong is that for a computer or what? Yeah?
Speaker 1I do think the PlayStation has the best controllers out.
Speaker 3I didn't believe that I have the PlayStation Pro controller. I like it. I just don't. I'm in my era where I'm not paying for PlayStation Plus. I understand, Because with the computer I just have to play the games.
Speaker 1I'm in my era where I'm not paying for PlayStation Plus.
Speaker 3I understand. With the computer, I just have to buy the game. Online is free and I can still play with my friends.
Speaker 1I need to just cancel all my subscriptions. I got to cut my shit down.
Speaker 2What's good. This is episode 213 of the Heavyweight Podcast. Yay, I am your anti-social host, but never your favorite Stutter. What's good. This is episode 213 of the Heavyweight Podcast. Yay, yay, I am your anti-social host, but never your favorite. Stutter McFly back again with these two guys. Go ahead and state your name for the beautiful people out here.
Speaker 3It's your boy. Positivity.
Speaker 2That's something you do after a positive yeah, shoot him what do you do after a negative?
Speaker 1Fuck, yeah. Yeah, you can do that after a positive too. I'm just your drunk uncle Kevin Welcome.
Speaker 2I want to go outside.
Speaker 3Your drunk uncle Up there talking to himself.
Speaker 2Up there talking to himself, howomond, if a duke Up there talking to himself. How are your weeks?
Speaker 3Good man, you know. Good Good, you know. Football season is back. Eagles. Where is that? You know? Like my boy Jazzy said range sleet or slow Eagles train to go. That's where I'm at.
Speaker 1Mine was good until now. What's?
Speaker 3wrong. My boy Jazzy said range sleet or slow Eagles train to go.
Speaker 1That's where I'm at. Mine was good until now. What's wrong? You, niner, fan All that bullshit. It was great until he said all that bullshit. It's going to be a season, huh, y'all got the Super Bowl Let us have something.
Speaker 3Hey man, we're trying to run it back, we hoping. I mean, I can't say it's going to do it. I can't say we're going to do it. I'm just going to say I always hope to win. You heard what Cam said. Cam said a lot of stupid shit. I hope all my teams win.
Speaker 1I do agree with Gilly, though the nigga wearing a bow tie with a jersey. You look ridiculous.
Speaker 3Yes, I'm actually excited for basketball season this year.
Speaker 1How excited, I actually might watch oh man, he gave you, I gave you I did.
Speaker 3I'm so excited I actually might watch a couple games this year which game, which team my. Lakers, oh okay, my Dodgers, them Dodgers been fucking up man you guys is tripping, dodger fans are tripping.
Speaker 1They fucking up, man you guys is tripping.
Speaker 3Dodger fans are tripping. You see that they fucking up, bro. They let Come on, bro. We lost two games. We just lost what when you?
Speaker 1at when you guys at in the standings.
Speaker 3Second place right now.
Speaker 1Oh my God, that's so bad it ain't first. It's so bad. If you ain't first, you last. They tripping, they got.
Speaker 3First by such a commanding lead.
Speaker 1Now we in second place. You sound like when we had Kobe on the Lakers, like when niggas you ain't in first.
Speaker 3Nah, I gave Kobe slack because I know he was playing with a bunch of bums Speaking of Kobe.
Speaker 2We didn't even say happy birthday. Oh yeah, happy birthday To Kobe.
Speaker 3Two weeks later now. Yeah, we still got to say it Shit. Yeah, we still got to say it we ain't got shit.
Speaker 2He's on the elevator Right there.
Speaker 3You know what I'm saying. We got to say something Always in our hearts. It's always Mamba Day.
Speaker 2Did you see that commercial where they had his daughter?
Speaker 3The one that just graduated.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, where they did the whole Kobe shoe release, I said that's dope who else to approve of the Mamba mentality.
Speaker 1A Mamba to approve of the mamba mentality than a mamba themselves. My week was pretty great, Pretty great. I'm older, so things creak a little more but that's okay. I realized that when I was trying to drink on my birthday and that's the case.
Speaker 2They call me Bobby Creekwater.
Speaker 1I was drinking some creek water.
Speaker 3No.
Speaker 1If things.
Speaker 2I was drinking some creek water. Things are squeaking a little bit. I'm approaching 40, oh god soon soon soon what we do.
Speaker 3We turn it up soon yeah, I'm turning up the volume on the tv I'm not just in a volume we're gonna, we, we gonna hit the uh, the 40 over uh strip club if the strip club is the basketball court at my gym, then yeah wow, is that what's a 40 year old over strip club?
Speaker 1all the strips are 40. No one's going there, no one's going to that strip club.
Speaker 2It's triggered my soul you went to a 40-year-old strip club, no I walked into the locker room and then motherfuckers dick was out.
Speaker 1I was like man Come on man, we're not talking about that. I'll be trying to forget. Oh you talking about that, dude. I was like where was this?
Speaker 2I walked in the gym and I was like, nigga, this is the common area, got your dick out.
Speaker 1They don't give a fuck it was an older guy.
Speaker 2No, he was our age or maybe younger, but he was a big black dude.
Speaker 3And I was just like nigga, like them old motherfuckers don't give a fuck they be in there just dick swinging.
Speaker 2That conversation is. I gotta stop saying older guys, because now we're in the older guy. Damn, can I be doing that with?
Speaker 1women. I'm like I'm fucked up because I was like damn. She's like like life didn't treat her right, and then I'm like that was probably the same age as me they probably saying the same thing as me, yeah.
Speaker 2I always think about that when I'm like describing something, like I'll be like Maurice, did you see so? And so who's like describing I'll be like you know, she's like older and you be, you know, and you're like. Then you think about the age. You're like nigga, she's probably Probably mid-30s. Yeah, I'm saying older and I'm about to be 40. Like it's.
Speaker 1Oh yeah.
Speaker 3Yeah, in a couple weeks I'll be the only one here still in their 30s.
Speaker 1But the flight, our trip to Hawaii too you did. We're broke, it's gone, we just spend it, there's nothing left.
Speaker 3Why are you going to leave me the key to the truck? I don't want him just sitting there.
Speaker 1No, I'm going to fly away.
Speaker 2Approaching fucking 40.
Speaker 1Yeah, man, that's got to be great.
Speaker 2That's the smallest I've been in. That's gotta be great. The smallest I've been in 15 years.
Speaker 3That's good.
Speaker 1That's a good way to go in so 40 is the new 30?
Speaker 3Pause.
Speaker 1I said that's a good way to go in, but that's why I paused.
Speaker 2Yeah, I haven't been this size since I was early 20s.
Speaker 1The math ain't mathin'. That's your mid-twenties, remember?
Speaker 2we older now, nigga oh yeah, welcome yeah but yeah, it's it's a good feeling yeah, that's the trip. But yeah, other than that, just work and processing the process of elimination, because I definitely want to come up with some music. Oh, I did shoot, I did record a verse, that's what's up oh nice for uh, shout out to master green and blunt wise, is it? I want to say blunt. I'm gonna just call me blunt because I I can't you know how certain people have certain ways.
Speaker 2Like, I don't want to mess up yeah, so I'm gonna say blunt, yeah, um, but yes, they had a song that he want me on his, on his project, and I master green, so it's all in a green family. Uh produced it, so it's it's.
Speaker 2It's kind of fun to be a part of something, or people actually be part of things, and it makes you feel like you know, no matter how much older I get, that you know music, my music, still be music for people. Because when people talk to me sometimes I'll be thrown, like the respect that they have about it, and I'll be like, damn nigga, I didn't know you felt that way about how I rap. We never talk about it, so it'd be some random rapper.
Speaker 2Oh, man, to have you on there would be like it's just survive man, it's dope man.
Speaker 1To have you on there would be like it's just, it's a vibe man, it's dope, I'd be like damn, I just like rapping. Well, that's why that happens, Because you enjoy rapping.
Speaker 3We should put out a heavyweight album.
Speaker 1Well, you know what I'm planning on doing. I think I told him.
Speaker 3No, you two can rap. You know what I told you right, I'll do my AI raps Right there, figure it out.
Speaker 1right, there Is four by four. Good, or is that?
Speaker 2As long as I don't feel claustrophobic, I'm with it.
Speaker 1Because I was going to do three by four, but I think four by four is good, I'm going to be in here like Draco my Blackberry.
Speaker 2And then the rule is going to apply that applies to the Gill household. No farting in the booth.
Speaker 1Well, I'll do it. While y'all ain't here, I I'll put a humidifier in there, not a humidifier, what do you call it? The filter, fart in the filter. Yeah, you don't want humid farts yeah, that shit that lingers.
Speaker 2I'm going to go ahead nigga been farting in here.
Speaker 3Huh, I'm going to go ahead and text Des and tell her get her bars ready remember she said she's going to have me ghost write for her. Oh, shit damn lazy ghostwrite for her.
Speaker 1Oh shit, damn lazy, I'm gonna let Chad, that's not lazy, I'm gonna let Chad do mine. Then that's lazier.
Speaker 2So before we get into the shenanigans, the niggins, the shenanigans. I'm gonna do some questions to see if these men have the answers to get their brains working.
Speaker 3You don't have the answers Sway. No, we don't. You don't have the answer sway. No, we don't. You don't have the answer sway. It never works till it's too late.
Speaker 1no, that's not a pause, that's the old thing. I'm 41, yeah, I can say that now taking them blue pills. I can say that now, oh, yeah, I've been taking those, but not because I need them, it's just when you want to come in there like that whoa pause. Hey, not a pause on that, never mind, yeah, he snapped Divulging too much, but you know. That's like PEDs.
Speaker 2What's stronger than still, but can break you if you ignore it.
Speaker 1We just talked about it.
Speaker 3Never mind.
Speaker 1Pause, nigga. Yes, that's a pause, you right? Is this a riddle?
Speaker 2it's a riddle and it has an answer. What's stronger than steel but can break you if you ignore it?
Speaker 3uh pain close time no, that don't make sense. I don't think time is strong, it's I mean, it is I would say pain don't be rolling he always be doing that shit.
Speaker 1What stupid nigga. I don't got nothing if he got pain and that's close, that's close.
Speaker 2You want to. You want to know what it is? Yeah, absolutely failure stronger than steel.
Speaker 1They do hurt, they do hurt. Okay, I see where we're going.
Speaker 2Gotta get some re-roll, who said the greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but rising every time we fall this is history, nigga.
Speaker 1I don't know. Should we know this? We should know this, huh as niggas we should.
Speaker 2Is it one know this? We should know this, huh, as niggas we should. Is it one of those we should?
Speaker 1know this, huh, as niggas we should. It was not Denzel. Say it again. Say it again it was a black guy.
Speaker 2Alright, I said the greatest glory in living lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall was it Malcolm X?
Speaker 3no, I was gonna say Frederick Douglass. Was it Martin Luther King?
Speaker 1No. Close to Marcus Garvey no.
Speaker 3Was it.
Speaker 1Huey.
Speaker 2No. Was it Farrakhan?
Speaker 1No, yeah, I was going to say oh, Dr Umar. He turned away so quick.
Speaker 2It was Nelson Mandela oh.
Speaker 3Damn.
Speaker 1Nelson.
Speaker 3Mandela Damn I'm bad, yeah, we bad, shout out.
Speaker 1Hey, good you know rest in peace.
Speaker 2Which famous athlete said I've failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. This one should be easy.
Speaker 1This is sad. It's Michael Jordan, right. Yeah, that's sad. We couldn't even do Nelson Mandela, we know them Jordans, though nigga Niggas know Jordans.
Speaker 2That's what's up. If you're not falling, you're not trying hard enough, Kobe.
Speaker 3That's what Rob guessed.
Speaker 1I don't know who said it. Oh, you're just telling us oh, I was just trying to guess it. If you're just telling us oh, oh, I was just trying to guess it. If you're not falling, that sound like some Tony Hawk shit what's one thing you can't borrow? I would say time or buy.
Speaker 2I would say time but you earn it every day respect yep that works.
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Speaker 3that's all the options. It every day Respect Yep. That works. I had to ask about the options. What's your other options?
Speaker 1I would say confidence, effort, effort. I don't know.
Speaker 3Can you earn effort? Yeah, you can, because the more effort you put in, the more you putting it in though. Yeah.
Speaker 2Pause.
Speaker 3And respect starts by winning yourself over that's the same. No, I'm just doubling down.
Speaker 2Okay, no, I like that. I do like that. What's the name of a black inventor who locked himself in a room with a peanut shell to find a way to make a product?
Speaker 3George Washington Carver. Yes.
Speaker 2So you guys both got an answer Yay.
Speaker 1What's that show?
Speaker 3I think it's Hebrew shit.
Speaker 1Where they do this stupid ass show where the lady wins. What's her name?
Speaker 2I was going to say Nibia, I was like no that's Lil Wayne's, kim Wayne's.
Speaker 1No, it's the whatever the New York people are, ebro in the morning.
Speaker 2Ebro in the morning Hot 97.
Speaker 1Whoever it is, they have her, she always wins, oh yeah.
Speaker 3Angie Martinez? No, she ain't with them.
Speaker 2But it's Ebro in the morning, isn't it? Yeah, martinez, no, she ain't with them, but it's ibra on the morning isn't it. Yeah, yeah, all right, ready we don't know shit about new york, rain, rain, working, working, working, bringing working.
Speaker 3I think nigga nigga working.
Speaker 2They're working, their brain working I don't know about that brain working. All right, let's go. What does the world against me feel like?
Speaker 1in one word, the world against me in one word. The world against me in one word, one word.
Speaker 3Just the one word. That's the problem.
Speaker 1I feel like failure.
Speaker 3Trial Trial Failure.
Speaker 2Failure First start when you wake up and you don't feel safe in your own skin.
Speaker 3Here we go again.
Speaker 2I thought you were answering something else, so that's your answer. Here we go again. Okay, sad, but I can sympathize. That resonates with me.
Speaker 1I'm probably going to go get the smoke.
Speaker 2The weed or the no, not the cigarettes and weed.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, did you say the burner?
Speaker 2Like you might go find some smoke, that's what. Go out and find me, yeah.
Speaker 1No, that's the wake and bake sesh.
Speaker 2I don't feel like I'm on my own skin. Grab me the burner.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think that's a wake and bake sesh for me.
Speaker 2I didn own skin and grab me the burner. Yeah, I think that's a wake and bake session for me. I didn't answer either yet so I'm gonna say that I feel like the world against me is. When I said, the one word that comes to me is andy feeling like the world.
Speaker 2Are you just saying that's how you feel? That's no, that's what I said when I think of that. So that's just andy, so andy is what comes to mind when I think of that. Um, and first thing, andy. So Andy is what comes to mind when I think of that. First thing I don't feel like waking up in my own skin is gym.
Speaker 1That's a good one.
Speaker 2Go to the gym. In my mind it's just gym. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin Gym. Strong black man or human being first.
Speaker 1I'm always human. Yeah, everything can be Every human. Yeah, it's human.
Speaker 2I'll tell you how I feel once I've emptied out my bowels in the morning. So it can go either way. So I'll say human being first.
Speaker 1Oh, okay.
Speaker 2Because I mean, I got to be a strong black man sometimes and you know, like, push through. You know the shit. Yeah, high protein diets are different, okay, um, who do you call when the weight gets heavy?
Speaker 3ghostbusters. You call the ghost.
Speaker 2Ghostbuster when the shit gets heavy.
Speaker 1Slimer Call.
Speaker 2Yeah, who do you call when the weight gets heavy?
Speaker 3I normally call my wife.
Speaker 1I'm doing better at that, cause. I used to Call no one.
Speaker 2I'm bad at that, like Alicia Keys. No one, no, she called Swiss.
Speaker 1Because I used to call no one, I'm bad at that, like Alicia Keys. No one. No, she called Swiss Clearly, or Swiss my bad. That was white as fuck, was it though?
Speaker 3Swiss beats. It's like Little John. If that nigga's in the room, please don't have a tambourine.
Speaker 2Who, little John, no Swiss beats. Oh you don't. If that niggas in the room, please don't have a tambourine shit.
Speaker 1Oh, little john, no, so speaks you don't like that, so you don't like that. I don't like any of his hooks.
Speaker 2I would like, do you repeat shit way too much. That is true, that is very true.
Speaker 1All his hooks are that that repeat shit except A-Rab money.
Speaker 2That's my shit nah, you fancy huh that shit's racist that is yeah, got my drink in my two step my drink in my you remember Missy doing that shit on her song, that racist ass shit.
Speaker 1But she's like my two-step, my drink and my. Remember Missy doing that shit on her song that racist-ass shit, when she was like boys boys, all kinds of boys.
Speaker 2Black, white, asian Chinese boys. That's pretty racist.
Speaker 1Missy, we can't do that.
Speaker 3Because the I mean you want to separate China from Asia.
Speaker 2Yeah, you said your wife. You said yeah. I said I. I concur I'm trying to do better at calling, but I usually just deal with shit myself a lot. What's harder being silent about pain or being vulnerable about it?
Speaker 3Vulnerable.
Speaker 1Um, I think both, because I feel like once you're vulnerable, it's hard to be vulnerable, but it's good.
Speaker 2But the silent shit is harder over time if that makes sense, yeah that's how I yeah, that's what I'm working on, yeah it's harder for me to be vulnerable because I feel like it makes me feel weak, but that's just the frame of mind. Growing up, tough military dad is like nigga, suck that shit up, nigga, and fucking get through it, as opposed to you realizing, nigga. I need to talk about my pain. I need to talk about the shit that's making me feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1Yeah, I gotta work on that right, because I'll have moments where I'm like like it's a bad moment and I'm just like, and it's just gone, and you're like you can't be doing that, that's just, you just sucked in a heart attack. Stop, that's. I mean that's true. I just know I mean that's true.
Speaker 3I just know.
Speaker 2Yeah, I just realized that it's not good for you know your mental health in the long run and your physical health because it can end up leading to early death.
Speaker 1Together yeah.
Speaker 2So Alrighty Ever felt punished for just existing. I feel like that all the time. Shit, yeah. I feel like people don't want me to be me.
Speaker 3I think it's just the default expectations. You know what I feel like. A lot of these expectations try to dehumanize who you are as a man.
Speaker 1I've been doing a lot of these expectations try to dehumanize who you are as a man. I've been doing a lot of not reflecting. It would be more appreciating lately, like, instead of looking at God, I'm not where I want to be or I'm not at that like.
Speaker 1I've been doing a lot more of like damn hell, yeah, look at where you're at, like that's, that's kind of dope, like it's I just try to look at it that way, yeah because this, yeah, I just look at shit and I'm because like I'm in like a crossroads with certain things and I'm just like this isn't a bad thing, though like that's just stressing me out, but then it's like you have opportunity, which is awesome. So it's like trying to figure that out. Sorry, I'm just no, it's all.
Speaker 3No, sometimes you got to realize, understand that your problems ain't as bad as other people's problems.
Speaker 1Yeah, or how we may think about it, yeah my bad.
Speaker 2Yeah, that just popped in and it's like I try to praise my dad as much as possible, but there are a lot of bad times with my dad that I had to go through, and even on her watch when I'm not around. Uh, like when you find out that your dad had a conversation with your mom about me and it was, in a sense, where he called me a dumb nigga and said you know, that dumb nigga needs money for uh, for his tuition and my mom has to respond and you know, stand up for me. It's like, don't call my son a nigga, uh. Or like in the instances where he like I've literally heard it that that's what. Like one of the people don't know the backstory behind, fuck off.
Speaker 2Um, there was one time we're living together where I was in the fucking hallway and I was, I had gotten home and he was talking to either a family member or someone and he was just dogging me out. Like he was saying, oh, that dumb nigga did it. Like he's just saying shit and like we end up getting to argument because I was going. You know, I was standing. I was standing up for myself and then at some point.
Speaker 2He said something and I said you know what? Fuck off. So like within a couple hours, I was in the room and eugene had sent me a beat and he was like nigga, this is perfect for you. And I didn't. I was like nigga when I heard that this is perfect for this situation. Yeah, so I ended up making the song and he overheard me in the room making the song. He starts pounding on the door like nigga. I said this is me dealing with yeah like so.
Speaker 2But in a lot of times it's just that with my dad, that with my family, that it always felt like I was punished for just trying to exist and all I did was just stay to my soul. But even to this day there's a lot of instances and times where people make me feel wrong, try to make me feel bad for being who I am, but not necessarily just that.
Speaker 2It's no one's cared to understand in those instances, with family and such, why I'm the way I am so yeah yeah, that's, that's shitty, because you're like well, I'm, you're supposed to be the one I can rely on and I felt like at a certain age I became his enemy instead of just his son, Like it was like when I hit a certain age, all right, you grown now, nigga. So it became like at odds yeah.
Speaker 1But I think, like I said, your dad and my dad were a lot alike.
Speaker 2There was one instance, nigga, where we were, I was going home to work and I got home from work and that morning the water was cut off. So I called him and he called and added to me like nigga, I was like I was just letting you know the water's cut off and he called and added to me he's like, come here and pick up this money and take it over to the-.
Speaker 1Yeah, pay for it.
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Speaker 2And I was like all right. And then I I get home and he had, uh, there was a tv in our room and he had came in the room, snatched the tv off the the wall and he had stepped on my ps3 and he had a full footprint on it and I was like, now this is some unnecessary, petty shit. Yeah to be. And then the one thing that, without fail, is he would do shit like he would. I, I would get groceries and they got good enough for work at 11 12 at night. I'm like I'm about to like a turkey sandwich. Drink, drink a juice. I will come home. All the deli meat's gone, juice is gone. He'll like here's two dollars, go get yourself some more that nigga was trying to push you out the house.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's what he was doing. Like I ain't gonna tell you to leave, I'm gonna just make you. But the thing is I know, is he it?
Speaker 2he was relying on me to do help. Yeah, because I was paying rent. He was relying on me. So, you know, if I left, he'd been on. Then he'd start talking shit about how I wasn't there. So even when I moved out, he was talking shit to my brother about um, oh, you know, the niggas did that on purpose. It's like no, we had no, we had to fucking. We were brought a scenario and said, hey, figure it out, nigga, it's time to move out. I was like we moved out, like absolutely. Anyway, I'm sorry I went on the run.
Speaker 2It's funny when you can realize some shit too and it's in hindsight because I I wouldn't like I got told him the other day. I said certain things you get so used to. You don't realize that you're normal until someone points out nigga, that ain't normal. You like that. Ain't normal like nah, like you being it odds in which you're dead all the time.
Speaker 1It's not normal like uh that therapist told me some shit and she was like you. You know that's not normal, right, and I'm like I thought it was yeah like you, just don't.
Speaker 2You don't have the realization until someone points it out. Like it ain't, like no, it's amazing what you become comfortable with, um survival yeah, when people expect you to be unbreakable, where do you actually break?
Speaker 1Where.
Speaker 2Is that what you mean? Yeah, like where or when.
Speaker 1I'm like I break inside.
Speaker 2Like bad, but it's hidden. My brain said he's like I break inside Damn.
Speaker 1No, not inside, Flex them. They go here, flex them. But it's a hidden thing for me, like, and I I realized like nobody knows any shit. But that's okay, it's not okay, but it's it's okay to learn, I guess. So I break, probably in the car I normally break when I realize like that.
Speaker 2When certain shit happened, you're like nigga, it's too much. Like when like some unknown, yeah situation happens, and now you're like deal, nigga. You're like you hit that point. You're like fuck, like I, I need this shit. Like I can't, like I've dealt with all this. I'm holding it on my shoulders, I'm trying to figure it out all by myself, and then at some point something happened. I'm like oh my God, like you just I want to get back to writing.
Speaker 1I can't write, but I feel like that's probably one of the Huh. Nothing. What did you say? It was a smart-ass comment, I know, but I was like where could this have possibly gone?
Speaker 3I said they have passes for that.
Speaker 1Oh, Not like that nigga.
Speaker 2You made me think about you ever watch. My Name is Earl.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2You know, that's probably the reason behind his name, because he couldn't spell. No, his dad couldn't spell. Oh, Was he the reason behind his name? Because he couldn't spell? No, his dad couldn't spell. His handwriting was so horrible that when they read it back they thought it said Earl. It was actually supposed to be Carl. He was supposed to be Carl Jr. I saw it this morning. I just thought it was interesting.
Speaker 3Wasn't somebody else on the show named Carl?
Speaker 2His dad's name was Carl. I just know that supposedly the reason why he became Earl, but it's supposed to be like a bigger euphemism about how his, how his characters like this, everything that essentially about him was a fuck up.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2So that was yeah, it was actually well, and they said that the intentional thing with the palm trees, because they're supposed to be in.
Speaker 1Kansas.
Speaker 2I don't think I watched that, but that sounds it's supposed to be in the middle of the South. They're supposed to be in the South, but the palm trees you don't have them where they're supposed to be at. So the whole point, they make sure you see it because you're supposed to realize that this isn't naturally. This is supposed to be some weird take on everything, the whole crab man, everything's supposed to be a play on Nigga. This is not real. But think about how, like that kind of like.
Speaker 1Is it Ed Wood? There's a movie that is the worst movie ever made and it's based on the worst movie ever made and then you watch it and you're like I love it cause it's so bad.
Speaker 2Yeah, when you watch it, it's a good show, but there's things that were done intentionally yeah, so you're supposed to pay attention. But there's things that were done intentionally, so you're supposed to pay attention. It's like nigga, there's no palm trees in Kansas City. That's either a Florida or a California thing, so they did it intentionally, I could have sworn that.
Speaker 3I thought they were in Florida. Yeah, that's not.
Speaker 1You missed the whole show.
Speaker 2And I've seen every episode. And they tell you to go back and watch. And it's like these things are done purposely so you can be like nigga, there's no puncture. Like like like, like like.
Speaker 3So, yeah anyway, but my bad though, kevin Can't write no you're fine, I just got to get back to writing.
Speaker 2Earl's dad can write.
Speaker 1I think that'll help me out a lot, a whole lot.
Speaker 3Ow, you didn the nigga just popped 41's going. That's my elbow, his elbow popped 41's going better. Who do you allow to see you cry?
Speaker 2uh, I try to allow no one, but you know my wife's caught me yeah, I usually go to a, a dark corner or a place where no one can see me and then usually I'll the kid old. That which happened recently. The kids came and found me and asked me if I was okay.
Speaker 1I don't know. I think, yeah, anybody in this house could see me cry, but I usually don't.
Speaker 2I usually still block my face off so you can't physically see me cry, you just hear me. I remember when I saw my dad cry for the first time, that shit was weird.
Speaker 1Mine wasn't, because I saw my dad cry for the first time, but that nigga was drunk as fuck. And I didn't get that until later when I was like, oh, he was all sad and like I think it was my mom. I was like that nigga was just drunk, because you know how emotions be going, because he was talking. I was like, oh, he's serious.
Speaker 2But and I I know, in the instance when I saw my dad cry for the first time, it was based on um and it was weird that you realize you grow up fast, but his siblings were arguing over beer. Who got the last beer?
Speaker 2Oh, shit and he had to like intervene and tell them we're supposed to be coming, we're supposed to be better than this. We're supposed to be loving each other Our parents, because their parents both passed at the time, so they were supposed to be looking out for each other and they're literally about to get into a physical altercation over a beer.
Speaker 2Was it Mickey's beer? Was it mickey's? I can't remember. I just remember it was in chicago in a basement and I stood there and watched my dad just like. He sat down and just cried like and I was. I've never seen my dad cry, yeah and that's a real one too. Yeah, like, and he just like, kind of like he was just tired of like this, we're supposed to be better than this. I just I understood at the time like damn, like that shit weighed heavy on him, like but did on him?
Speaker 3Did he come out here to get away from out there?
Speaker 1I don't know if that's an invasive question. Do you know that or no?
Speaker 2What happened?
Speaker 1Did he come out this way to get away from being out there?
Speaker 2He came out this way, I think, kind of like better opportunities out west kind of thing, kind of like better opportunities out west kind of thing. And then, um, him, my mom, like my sister, came out this way and then they set up shop, set up shop in la, and then, um, then he was, then there, were. We eventually moved to riverside and they were commuting back and forth from Riverside to Hollywood for her doctor's appointments when she was pregnant with me. And then, like I said, that story about my mom whooping the guy's ass while she was pregnant with me in LA, or the kid's ass was trying to steal my cousin's bike, I said I got a lot of fighters at my fucking bloodline in the lineage yeah, but yeah, we would commute.
Speaker 2They would commute back and forth to Riverside to theirs and then I was born in Cedars-Sinai in in Hollywood.
Speaker 1Okay so we're gonna get back over there.
Speaker 2We're just gonna stay out of Hollywood, though that's why I said I'm there, I'm home, but I'm not. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1What survival mode cost you Probably years in life.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, between that and the energy drinks I'm probably I got about a good five years left.
Speaker 1I mean, that's not true. You've been working your ass off.
Speaker 3so I think the uh what has cost the most is experience, because there's things I'll never be able to go back and experience because I was too locked down on just trying to stay above water, yeah so. So there's risks that in hindsight I probably should have took that I didn't take, if Kevin adopts me, I'll get to experience.
Speaker 1Hawaii. You're just going to be broke nigga. Like what are you talking?
Speaker 2about I'll go hang out in Hawaii.
Speaker 1In this dated ass time chef.
Speaker 2That's okay. You ever seen Hookers and Johns? Actually I probably used to whack it to that it was a hawaii.
Speaker 1Whatever, I'll be out there at slinging pipe like hey, I gotta mix this money that's where I learned about, uh, what they say that shit was that you should do. I was like mad as fuck as like a child I think it was fish eyeing people, they called it. I was like man, that's fucked up. Who knew I was gonna go to thailand as I got older from then wow that was fucking interesting to watch but yeah tangent.
Speaker 2Sorry, I won't go down that road but yeah, I agree, it's cost time on life that survival mode just trying to stay, survive and provide.
Speaker 1I learned a lot, though, through it, if there's any silver to that.
Speaker 2If anger had a voice, what would yours say and I'm going to add on to that what would it sound like?
Speaker 3it would sound like a black auntie and it has some comedy in it and it would probably say everything I'll be thinking, which probably wasn't a good thing.
Speaker 2Yeah you remember that? Uh, that white comedian that used to yell sam kinnison yeah, they used to yell all the time. That's what mine would sound like, but in a nigga way no, he, he.
Speaker 2I feel like he had some yeah, but I'm saying he would say it would be. It'd be a lot more like the, the, the slang would be niggas, but it would have that there's you, mother. He'd be like oh shit, like what the fuck is wrong with you, like oh, my nigga, like yeah, that would be it I feel like anger for me would probably sound more like a serial killer type shit like a jeffrey donner.
Speaker 1Yeah, maybe something like that, or uh what's that shit? Called dexter or even maybe like the anonymous nigga, just some calm ass shit.
Speaker 2But saying so, maybe a chuckle wild ass shit like a chuckle calm, like or like what's that shit?
Speaker 1uh, uh, saw well, want to play a game like I do not so you think you could just fuck with me? What you talking like that because you about to die, anyway, sorry.
Speaker 2Oh, my god, I channeled that. I'm telling you, nigga, the look I gave RJ that day. Shout out to Guthrie because he caught up. He picked up that shit immediately, anyway.
Speaker 1Is that what you heard?
Speaker 2yeah, I was like wanna play a game. Motherfucker, like tiktok, motherfucker seven days. I don't even know what it would say. Just like man fuck it all or burn it down anyway um, do you feel seen or just looked at?
Speaker 3uh, I feel looked at.
Speaker 2You don't feel seen? No, I think people see you.
Speaker 3Yeah, they see me, but they don't see me. They see me because I'm standing there. They don't see me.
Speaker 2Is it people at work or just in general?
Speaker 3In general.
Speaker 1Neither More overlooked.
Speaker 3Ain't nobody overlooking your tall ass.
Speaker 1Shut up, Maurice. Yeah, I feel like that Okay. You don't feel neither no, I don't feel overlooked, I feel looked at and written off nigga. That's overlooked. Why didn't you just say that?
Speaker 2I'm just saying they look at me and go typical, whatever. And it's like they're just written off. Fuck them niggas. Just like they look at me and go yeah typical whatever, and it's like they're just written off. Fuck them, niggas.
Speaker 3How do you protect your peace in a world that attacks your image? I limit my energy, my presence to very few.
Speaker 1Yeah, trying to focus on what matters.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 2Not their opinion. I do pull-ups.
Speaker 1That's dope Keep up.
Speaker 2Good job, I'm dead serious. I do pull-ups because in my mind I'm like, if I can get one more than I did last week, I made progress somewhere.
Speaker 1So I'm more focused on that. That's the point. While you're doing a pull-up, you can't really think about it.
Speaker 2Yeah, because I'm thinking I I don't want to have a will moment, so I'm focused on the pool and I don't want to shit myself because this happened where. Oh, the pre-workout and like yeah, I went.
Speaker 3I went, smith. You was talking about other, will you don't want to shame yourself?
Speaker 2yeah, I ain't trying to what are you talking about? Red table talk you're talking about slapping down my head. I was like what the fuck was you talking?
Speaker 1about Red table talk. You talking about slapping them, like that I was like what the fuck I was talking about?
Speaker 2like you doing this, you talking about shorting, and you're like, oh, like.
Speaker 1All of 40.
Speaker 2You're over here, focused, you're focused on the pool, and it'd be like man, it just ripped through and they'd be like, yep, I.
Speaker 1Damn, that sucks. I had that conversation too, about sharding. That nigga was like I never sharded in my life and I was like shut up, dude, it's coming.
Speaker 3You just wait.
Speaker 1You just wait. You got a pull-up bar at home on the door thing.
Speaker 2I know I like having a door frame yeah because I feel like I don't believe in any of these manufactured homes or whatever. I feel like that should have snapped. They'd be like well, what happened? So I got to get a whole new door Like no, no, no, yeah, yeah, like, nope, nope, nope, yeah One thing that you want people to stop assuming about black men One, one thing that comes to mind and everything is the same.
Speaker 1Like we don't like the same shit, we don't do the same shit. We don't like the same shit, we don't do the same shit, we don't think the same way. Like niggas is just people, everybody's different like.
Speaker 2I just don't like us being used as some sort of like novelty token collector yeah, like I'm telling you. When that chick said to me, like you gotta try a black man at least once in your life, I said, bitch, we are not.
Speaker 1Be like why? Because you might get a little dick black nigga. Like. Because they exist. Like what?
Speaker 2the fuck, but it just made me feel like we weren't people. Like we were some sort of like, we were property, yeah, like what I'm saying, like as far as the statement, like, just say it. Well not just here, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 1Yeah, she's a bitch. Still she don't know.
Speaker 2It's like, oh, you got to try black man at least once. What the fuck.
Questions About Resilience and Failure
Speaker 1Bitch, I got to stop saying that. I've been saying that a lot more. What?
Speaker 3bitch Sometimes you got to say it, sometimes you got to say it.
Speaker 2Where do you hide when there's nowhere to hide?
Speaker 3If there's nowhere to hide, how can you hide when no one's or when there's nowhere to hide? If there's nowhere to hide, how can you hide?
Speaker 2I think it's more or less like a.
Speaker 3You want nowhere to hide Isolation. You want nowhere to hide.
Speaker 2Yeah, like sometimes when you feel like there's nowhere to hide, you still might go somewhere where you feel like.
Speaker 1Oh shitter, that's easy, I go to the gym.
Speaker 2I go to the gym. I got to take a dookie. I go to the gym. If I get an opportunity to just find a place to record something. Yeah, it don't have to be hiding, it's just like, just let me do this.
Speaker 3I take it literal you should get like a trailer that you can like tow behind and tell you right, like a bubble booth.
Speaker 2I feel like if I get around any niggerdom, that shit would be gone, like they'd be like nigga, a mobile booth, nigga.
Speaker 3Well, you gotta not let it look like that. Yeah, make it look like a shitter.
Speaker 1Although they're gonna walk by and be like.
Speaker 2I guess you could soundproof it. You fuck around with somebody. Hey man, I used your porta potty. It's shit in here. Soundproof it, soundproof it. You fuck around with somebody. You're. Hey man, I use your porta potty. It's weird that you got like a microphone set up in there. You're probably not the most sanitary thing. All right, thanks, man. It's like what this nigga took a shoot in my mobile booth that's why you gotta never mind.
Speaker 1That's gonna get you in jail yeah, don't do that.
Speaker 2You didn't have any toilet paper, so I used, like the, the notebook paper you had. I appreciate it, bro. Bye no, I still like driving no, no not that, nah me I'm getting is helplessness, a weakness or survival tactic?
Speaker 3tactic what helplessness helplessness.
Speaker 2Do you feel like it's a weakness or is it part of a survival tactic?
Speaker 1you mean it's as in what because in? If helplessness is a because, I feel helpless, all the time helpless or hopeless is.
Speaker 2Those are different, yeah I said, yeah, helps, like when I feel helpless, like meaning like like you don't want the help, are you? There's nothing to help you feel like there's nothing to help. You feel like like there's nothing to help. You feel like that's a—because sometimes I think, especially with me specifically you can feel helpless, but you don't want to actually go get the help.
Speaker 3I think that's a survival tactic and a trauma response.
Speaker 2Because, like, people are willing to help but you're like no nigga. I got to do this on my own.
Speaker 3I think that's a—dep, a depending on what it is depending on what it is.
Speaker 2I'm not wiping your ass what just don't look me in the face where's des?
Speaker 1we need des. I'm gonna do it. I'll do it for you. Just shut up more like I felt like this with this thing it was nothing like I didn't call because I didn't want, it's like I didn't want your help, but I just wanted to accomplish it. You know what I mean? It was something I had never done, so I wanted to accomplish it.
Speaker 2I'm sorry. No, you're good, I was going to say so. If it didn't work out the way, were you just going to play it off as a surfboard?
Speaker 1No, I was going to be like hey, nigga, I got to buy some more wood. You might, you might show me how to fix this. But like, yeah, if it's certain things like because sometimes we will do, I'll do it to myself. I don't want to speak for everybody, but like should get help when it's just like nah, I got it, why I need help, and it's like it's fucking it up. But worse it's usually when it's yeah, down the line, when you're like I, I should probably help.
Speaker 3But I'm also one of those people where I know where it's like if the line, when you're like I should probably get some help, but I'm also one of those people where I know where it's like if I don't do, sometimes the help can be not helpful if that makes sense, like sometimes.
Speaker 3I know that sometimes I need to dive like head first into something and figure it out myself and not rely on something, because my, my mental is always like well, they're not going to always be here, like, so I have to learn how to save myself, I have to learn how to navigate the situation by myself, and again, I think that's a trauma response.
Speaker 1Yeah, that sounds yeah.
Speaker 2I'm a walking trauma response. But, like I told you that day, I said how the fuck do I go from feeling at my lowest to all of a sudden laughing it off? And you go, that's just a trauma response. I'm like I said this is some therapy shit, huh? You said yeah, nigga, I learned something. I'm like yeah, yeah, got it.
Speaker 3I. How do you recharge when the world drains? You Go get drained.
Speaker 1I was waiting on that.
Speaker 3If I get a good drainage and a good 14 hour nap, I'm good. I was going to say in what route?
Speaker 1Do you mean like shitting, pissing All the above, damn All the above?
Speaker 2Do you feel like the transfer of sexual sayings went from me to him?
Speaker 3or was it balanced?
Speaker 2because you say it way more than I did he's taking the crown now because before it used to be kind of like an even, now it's just like 90% mode 10% fly, hey man, hey, all you're just trying to fulfill duties.
Speaker 1See, that could be taken a certain way. That's what I was hoping. That was all. What was the question? Sorry?
Speaker 2All right. How do you recharge when the world drains you?
Speaker 1Oh, I like driving still, even though I don't want to because it's.
Speaker 2That's the last thing I want to do.
Speaker 1But you know what I've got to get back into this. It's too hot right now, but I do like nature, so I do like. When I got to go somewhere by the beach, I always make sure to stop and just appreciate the ocean a little bit. So I recharge a lot by nature.
Speaker 2I think rapping, yeah, when I get to rap and I just get a full session in where I'm like I got these two songs off and like, especially when they go off without a hitch, like I written them and there was no uh struggling in the writing process, and then then that translating over into the recording process and then you listen back and you're like Nick, I did it. That was that shit. Make me feel like hell, like I could be a horse or whatever. I'll still feel like a million bucks, like like man, I got that shit off. It was fucking plaguing me, especially when I get to talk about shit. I want to talk about the beat. Feels right.
Speaker 3Sounds like we uh to uh some work on the way. Huh yeah, more songs. To answer the question, honestly, I go back. I always go back to family, and when I say family, I go back to like spending quality time with my wife and then just spending time with my daughter. Because I think when you look through a lot of times for me in particular, when I look through life through the eyes of my child and how full of confidence and how full of hope she is, I feel like that's a refresher, that kind of recharges me to to push forward and, um, you know, try to be a better version of myself and just say you know it ain't, you know, the world can't be too bad as long as she's smiling type type situation. I like that.
Speaker 2So one memory where you felt completely powerless.
Speaker 3Uh, one memory where you felt completely powerless. Uh, what's today? About a year ago today yeah yeah, that's I don't
Speaker 2understand um, it would probably be. Yeah, that's my understanding, it would probably be. When my sister called me about my dad, that because it was what can you say? Like hey, he's not going to pull through, you might want to come say your goodbyes. Like that I felt powerless because I remember just instantly, like screaming and crying in the moment, because you realize that it's something you have to accept, whether you want to or not. And then then driving and I guess that I was sick with covet at the time and I felt like shit getting there. And then when I got there, I was how the fuck do I process this shit?
Speaker 3Like how do I go in?
Speaker 2there and just say goodbye.
Speaker 3Yeah, nothing can prepare you for that.
Speaker 1Not at all. Oh sorry, that's probably the same vein with my dad. That's, yeah, I like to relive it, but just the whole how everything happened and then not working you know the CPR and all that shit. So that's a tough one. It's tough to not blame and stuff. But yeah, we did all we could and it didn't work and then we still had to sit through that. So it's like you gotta deal with, uh, nothing you can do. So that's definitely the the most I felt on that yeah, who taught you how to fight life or love?
Speaker 3jesus, I'd say both Different kind of fight. Life taught me how to fight for myself, both like mentally, both verbally and physically. And then, when it comes to the love part, it's about fighting for those you love and to maintain the love you have's about fighting for those you love and and to maintain the love you have. Yeah, two, separate fights.
Speaker 1The best way I'll put it is like you said it's both cause. Uh, life taught me how to survive. I'll say love taught me how to live, best way to put it are you living now?
Speaker 3absolutely I was. I was throwing it out there what. Absolutely I was. I was throwing it out there what put that on a t-shirt.
Speaker 1Y'all could keep that you're welcome.
Speaker 2I have to say, life for me, because I didn't have many experiences or understanding of love. So even when it's presented now, I can't recognize it with the kiddos. That like, yeah, I have to identify it With the kiddos. Yeah, I have to identify it's what it is, but my brain still can't see it.
Speaker 3You're not processing that right away?
Speaker 1Oh, shit Damn my bad. I thought I turned that down. Did y'all hear that?
Speaker 2I did, I did, yeah, oh yeah, talking in yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 3Talking in pain, oh well.
Speaker 1I don't got anything anyway.
Speaker 2How do you resist being hardened by pain?
Speaker 3Resist? I don't think you can. I think every time you go through something you're hardened in some way. You may not harden yourself to the world, but you become more resilient to that situation. So I think there's a lasting effect. That doesn't mean that the outcome is you just shut yourself off or you become dull to it. I just think is you just shut yourself off or you become a doll to it? I just think that you just learn how to adapt mentally to it. Your brain just automatically adjusts certain things to it.
Speaker 2I guess yeah, I feel like resisting would have to be allowing yourself to feel that shit, whatever, whatever it is, even if it's shitty like I'd say that life has a way of callusing you, like where you just build, like a callus, up to the the that you go through and eventually, like you just start, I guess it's it then in turn makes it harden, but I, the resistance, I don't, yeah, I don't know if I could, uh, I think.
Speaker 1but I think that's that's the goal is to learn how to knock some of that off. I think that's the point of human is to yeah, the society has taught us to be less human, which is fucking nuts, but they want workers. That's what it is, yeah.
Speaker 2So If the world stopped attacking, what would freedom feel like?
Speaker 3I can't tell you what. I have an experience.
Speaker 2What would you hope it felt like?
Speaker 3Uncontrollable bliss.
Speaker 1Well, I don't, I don't necessarily agree with that, because that's I don't feel like that's how life works. You have to have all of them to have balance and to enjoy life. I feel like all of that comes. So I feel like, uh, that's what it would look like. Is is a lot more balance and just dealing with stuff because, like, I think you will learn that it might not be an attack, it might just be how I respond to stuff, like as well, I'm gonna say that but like, yeah, I guess it's all up to you in that regard how you respond to stuff.
Speaker 1I don't know if that makes any sense. It makes a ton of sense to me, but I get it, I get. I get what you're saying.
Speaker 2I feel like that moment would feel like kind of feel like you could finally just have a sigh of relief, or like being able to breathe without that thought of the other shoes going to drop.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think that has to come with work, right yeah, because if we don't, then we're always going to feel like that, right yeah?
Speaker 2That's the only kinds of things, even with good shit, I'd be like but yeah, nigga, this is going too good. Yeah, when is that shoe going to drop? So it's like if it stopped attacking, you just felt like you know what, if I knew wholeheartedly that I didn't have to worry about that other shoe dropping, and like that, that breathing would change for me.
Speaker 1Um, do you think you're supposed to feel some of that, though Not all of the like, oh this is coming, but like I think you're supposed to have something that makes you not allow that other shoe to drop. You know what I mean. You're doing whatever you got to do, not necessarily like killing yourself to do stuff, like overworking and overexerting or whatever, but you're not going to allow yourself to go into a place, space, where everything I work for I'm going to lose this or whatever. Yeah, lose all this stuff I put into, like with, uh, working out. I think you'll be damned if you're just going to be like when we have mac and cheese, you're like, nope, worked too damn hard for that. So I think like, nigga, I'm eating the mac and cheese Boy, you eating town cake, nigga, he's in the middle of no bread. It was like don't mind.
Speaker 2Small victories I get it.
Speaker 3It's the small, don't mind, but dude, gotta take small victories. Yeah, I get it. It's the small, you know cause?
Father-Son Relationships and Trauma
Speaker 3my thing about that is what I've learned in my health journey is that small indulgences is better than going off the deep end and binging yeah so if you have, if you have a craving for it, eat a small bit of it and then and then let it pass and then get back to work like it's not gonna, it's not gonna stop, like they're not gonna destroy months of progress off of one piece of pound cake. Now, if you sit there, eat the whole goddamn cake yeah, yeah, I know how I work, that's why I just understand yourself because I'm an addict you'd be like oh
Speaker 2what's one slice, two thousand slices ago, like you said that for like three months nigga what's one slice thing. You just kept going like, yeah, so I just, I just, I just stay away, because I know me, I'm like what's.
Speaker 1Technically cutting it in half is still one slice yeah.
Speaker 2I still, I just know me, I know me. I start. You start telling, I'm telling that's just a drug, nigga. You're like oh man, what's the? You start talking to yourself like what's one cookie, nigga? What's 12 cookies? Like, what's 30 cookies? You're like, nigga, you said that 30 times in the last month. Like you put on all the weight you lost. What? The fuck yeah, so can you share a time when you felt dismissed or underestimated because of who you are, and how did that moment shape you?
Speaker 3um, I think I think what first thing comes to mind? That time I got pulled over on the way to work and they're like oh, you work for UPS, how'd you get in there? And it was like do you think not, do you think I'm not qualified? Like I had somebody had to hand give me a handout to get in here. That was probably the first time I felt that way and I was like man, fuck y'all. That's probably where my racism started. Now I think about it. Damn, now I gotta pay for a third of their possessions.
Speaker 2You do.
Speaker 1Yeah, just unlock some shit, I think for me. I had a couple instances, but it's comedy which I remember. I mean like people telling me that I wasn't sure, I thought you was going to be weird, I thought you was going to be not good, blah, blah, blah. But then you did it. I'm like yo, mama, nigga, what did you come here to watch me fail? Nigga, I'm so confused I'm slapping all them niggas. Nah, it's cool because I'm like that lets me know the dopeness where I'm like you came here expecting bad. That's fucking nuts first of all. So I think, in that regard, that I they didn't have to tell me that, but just to get them swayed was one of those was like okay, nigga, you might be dope. That's how I took it.
Speaker 2I know, I remember when I was yeah, I've said it it was that battle that I was in in high school where they caught me right after we got done in the weight room and they were like, uh oh, they want to have a bat, the homies want to have a battle with you. And then it was three on one and I remember saying that I am still brand new to rapping but I held my own and I remember thinking like I felt defeated that day and then I uh, the rap partner I had, will at the time, was like nigga and he told me like, oh man, they uh I felt defeated in the moment but because I was like damn nigga, I held my own one-on-one and then when they started like kind of compiling three-on-one shit and like it just felt like everything was like premeditated, like the way they they were attacking. And then I remember telling will and he was like nigga, what was the laugh? You said they were attacking. And then I remember telling Will and he was like nigga, what was the laugh? You said they said about you, and I said this he's like nigga.
Speaker 2I was in class when they were writing that. I said so wait a minute, these were all raps Like I freestyled off the top and you're telling me, these niggas went like and plotted something and then attacked me after school and then at that moment I felt empowered because it made me feel like I must got some of these niggas did this, if they went to this length to go at me.
Vulnerability and Allowing Yourself to Cry
Speaker 2I must be talented, bro, they must see some worth trying to take down and I look at that, at everything now, like I feel like that shapes how I grasp a lot of things. Now is when things happen. I don't look at it and necessarily I might feel defeated in a moment, but at the time eventually I go. Well, if you have that much energy or time to spend on me, whether it be anonymous stalkers, co-workers etc. Eventually I always feel like, well, I must have something worth it for you to feel like I'm a threat and that kind of like I said, it's kind of built what I am to me. To a degree, that's how it shaped me.
Speaker 1Now you can go on and be like they say iron sharpens iron. But you're a bum ass, nigga. I guess cotton can sharpen iron. Mo you good, nigga. Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 3I'm good, I'm good.
Speaker 2How do you handle someone when, or how do you handle it when someone makes an assumption about your life abilities before they even get to know you?
Speaker 3I don't, I don't handle it. They're lost.
Speaker 2I know how I handle it. I give them looks in. They're lost. I know I handle it. I give them looks in the middle of dispatch and I give them a look and then somebody goes, you know what, maybe Andy do it. I said thank you but like, yeah, I handle it Like now I'm tired of the assumption of that you know what I'm doing or you know my life, and it's like if you know me, you know me. If you took the time to get to know me, I appreciate you. The rest of it is really none of my concern at that point, because if you're assuming to know me, then that means you don't know me at all.
Speaker 1Well, it all depends on me who it's coming from. I'll give grace if it's. I don't really know them that or they haven't known.
Speaker 2But if I know you or whatever been around, then it's like yeah, you didn't take the time so I only give grace when it's a highlight, not when it's a, when they're trying to like, like chop you down. Like they were, like oh what you got. Like a bunch of kids running around, a bunch of baby mommy's, like damn nigga.
Speaker 2Like matter of fact I do, but it's like but that's a different thing, that's that's going to that, I guess it depends on what it is too yeah, hell yeah like oh, maybe yeah, cause, like I feel like an assumption would be like damn what you dick to your kneecaps. Maybe it is nigga. I thank you for assuming anyway. With that being said, this has been episode 213 of the heavyweight podcast. Des can be here, but she's here with us in spirit. Thank you for rocking with us. I know this one was a little bit more deep and heavy than the previous two episodes have been. Like. Subscribe, share and comment all that shit next time. We love you.
Speaker 1Peace, bye that's a wrap, y'all. That's that's how she wrote, so make sure to click like subscribe. Peace Bye.
