Allies Series Ft MarQuis Fair: Ally AND Enemy - A Black Man's Journey of Introspection

In today's episode, you are invited to listen in on a phone call the Miner and I had with one of my special allies, MarQuis Fair!  From his perspective as a black man, he discusses introspection and what it takes to do the inner work of mining his JEMMS.  He shares how he shows up as his ally, enemy, frenemy, and unbothered or sometimes all four roles simultaneously. 

You may be wondering, who is this Miner?  Well, you or anyone willing to do the inner work to mine their JEMMS!  

Click on this episode to meet up, listen, and remember to invite your inner child.  That part of us needs healing too!  ;-)

Transcript

0:03

Hello, I'm your host Charmaine, and welcome to Beautiful JEMMS! This is operator 619 Calling for Charmaine Thompson Do you accept the charges? Yes. Hey, Charmaine. Hi, Mark. How are you? I'm great. Thank you, operator. No, thank you. Okay, great, Charmaine, I'm so glad that I finally get a chance to talk to you. It's been so long. I am so happy that you took the time to give me a call. I really appreciate you. So I'm thinking that we can actually do a three way call. Oh, to catch in our fellow minor. Well, let's call up the operator and see if we can get that done. Okay. Operator, we'd like to patch in minor. Can we do that? Yes, please. Hold minor. Are you on the line? Hello, operator. Thanks so much. You're welcome. Hi, miner. I'm here with Charmaine, how are you? Oh, my goodness. It's so nice to have you both on the call today. So thanks for joining fellow Miner. Thank you. All right. So I asked the fellow miner to hop on with us because I'd really love the fellow miner to get to know you personally. And just to give my fellow miners a little background, I first met Mark key a few years ago at work, and we hit it off. And we've been, you know, friends ever since. And I'm happy to say also to that he has a show of his own in which I was I was I the first guest. Actually, I think you were the first guest. So the first two episodes were with Paul, my ex best friend. And then you were my first guest. Yes. Yeah. And I was still nervous. I was very nervous. So the fact that you have this under your belt is fantastic. And you were what, two seasons, and now you're almost belts past me. But yeah, right. I was your first guest on the show. first guest. And it was such a great experience. And it really taught me a lot about my communication style being very clear, and intentional with what I want to say and how I want to say it. And you know, as you already know, we talked about this many times, you're so intuitive. And I don't know if that's something that is self taught, or if it's sort of baked into your DNA. If you have any thoughts about that. Yeah, it's a it's probably a bit of both. It's, it's baked into the DNA, like you just said, but it takes practice, right, you got to listen to it. So, yeah, you know, intuitively, I think, you know, we, I knew that we were going to hit it off. And so, um, you know, I'm just very grateful to know you. And I know that we have had so many great conversations. Oh, my goodness. Yes, yes. And I know that, um, one of the things that I learned about you is, is that you're very introspective, which intrigued me, because, you know, I'll be honest, most of the time, guys don't really open up about those type of things. And you did, and I learned so much from you and your thought process, and you know, just getting a man's perspective about things. So, you know, I found you to be very genuine and authentic person, very caring, intuitive yourself. And I just love for you to share, you know, some of those inner workings, some of the things that you've learned along the way on your personal journey. So what do you think about that? I'd love it. I'm wondering, there's so much and I know we have so little time, you know, I'm a talker. I'm wondering where I should start at. But I do want to say one thing before we go in a particular direction. One of the things that you mentioned just now was about getting a male perspective, right. And one of the places that I go to, when I start being introspective, one of the places I go to many, but one of them is how do I say this? It's about me Being a black male versus being a male. And it's not even versus, but sometimes there are things that are specific to being a black male, that cause a different level of introspection than it is about being a male. That causes a different it's a different route, if that makes sense. Yes, yes, it does. And so it just struck me where I'm like, I wonder if she values my opinion, or my thoughts from a black male perspective, or rat, or male perspective, or both? I mean, I assume it's both, but it's both. But I want to say specifically, a black male perspective, because it is unique. And you know, it's the same for black women. It is unique, it adds an extra layer. And so I really think that, you know, our fellow miner would be interested in that. And, you know, the way that, you know, we've spoken about it has been when you are either an ally to yourself in this process, you're an enemy to yourself in the process. Or a frenemy, which is interesting. Or unbothered? Hmm. Well, as you say, we've talked about this many times. And it's so what's the word I'm looking for? When you frame it in those four lanes, that gives it shape. And it gives it um, name and form. And sometimes, and before I go into the each of those, but sometimes in my introspection, it gets to such a dark place, because I can't name the thing. I can't figure out if I'm being an ally. Or frenemy, if I'm being an enemy, or if I'm unbothered. So if I name it, it? Does that make sense? Yes. They don't have a touch to them. So when you name it, then you say, Okay, this is this is what it is. This is what I'm doing in this moment. Yeah, I love that. I love those four frames that they sort of provide a foundation for a lot of the introspection. Absolutely. I'm glad to hear that. And so what I would ask you is which one would you start with first? I'm gonna start with the one that I am most. Because it, I'm gonna go deep, and then I'm gonna dig myself back out as a minor one. I'm gonna go all the way down into the coal mine, and then I'm going to come up. Doesn't always work that way. But they have elevator shafts. So we'll go all the way to the bottom floor. bottom floor is I am probably and I think this there's an expression that goes like this, but I'm my own worst enemy. It's the enemy. That's that I find myself being the most when I'm doing my introspection. My extra inspection, that extra special inspection if that's a word when I'm when I'm what I'm doing for others to the outside, I'm being an ally, most times. Sometimes I'm a frenemy, right, depending on the situation. But I'm in I'm the enemy to myself. And sometimes I'm bothered to the outside world. Very good. Sometimes I'm just like outside world. Sometimes we need to be Yeah, that's true. For me, I'm going to start with my, with with being an enemy. When I'm doing my introspection and it looks like this. I'm gonna give a give an example to our fellow miners out there who hopefully can identify with this because part of the introspection is also being alone, feeling alone when you're so inside of it. So it's nice to share this Thank you, Charmaine, for writing this space. So when I'm an enemy to myself, here's an example. There was a there was an instance in the not too distant past, where a friend of mine and I parted ways. And when a when a thing like that happens, particularly when it's a good friend, it can throw you for a tizzy, and it threw me into his place of introspection. And the very first question I asked was, can I be a better friend? How could I have been a better friend to this person? Why did this happen? Right? First, you ask the why, then I start to look inward. How could I have been a better friend to this person? Right. Then the next level as I try to as you dig deeper into the introspection, is when is the other shoe gonna drop? If I wasn't a good friend to this one of my very best friends, how could I possibly be a good friend to anybody else in my life? Am I a good friend? To anybody? Or are they just faking it? And then you just and then it just gets worse than it gets like, Well, I'm not if I'm not a good friend, then what the hell am out here doing? Right? You get into this, what am I worth, it's, it's a thing of self worth. And the thing about that is, is that it's, it's being your own enemy. Because you don't need that. And at the end of the day, at your core, when you when you dig yourself out of that particular lane of introspection, it's about self love. You gotta love yourself, and you can't attach something else that happened with a friend to what's going on inside of you. If you think you're if you're good for if you feel like you're a good friend, and you're probably a good friend, if nobody else in your life is saying, hey, you know what, your bad friend? It now there are, there are instances where you can behave like a bad friend. Right? You may have done that thing. And it was not the best thing a friend could do. But are you a bad friend in general? Probably not. Right? So it's about self love, right? But that introspection enemy, right? When am I in my own enemy? I say, Look at look at the look at who I am. And look at what I've done to what a lovely person who was my friend for many, many years. So that's that's probably a good example. Another good example of being an enemy to yourself, and then I'll move on to another one. You lose your job. Right? And that this happened to me, that's probably happened to some of our fellow miners out there, you lose your job. And I got in my own way. Not? Well, no, I got my own way because of two things. And I was my own enemy because of two things. One, there was a time when I had an attitude about it. Well, you know, like, if they don't want me, then I don't want to be then that person in general. They don't want me to know, I don't want to be working. And everything. Yeah, all this all this attitude, it comes off. Right? It does. Then I would go to an interview. And the people will say, Well, what do you want to work here? And I'd be like, Well, why do you want me for this? Right? Now you're being an enemy to yourself, because you're not going to get that job with all that attitude. Good day to you. Thank you for your time, but we're gonna put your application at the bottom. So, you know, there was a time when I was my own enemy, because I had too much attitude, I attached too much past angst with the Pat with the with the past situation, to future opportunities, and that's being led me to yourself, you can't you can't think that because one time you got screwed over for lack of a better term with one person that it's gonna happen with the next anatomy. So that's, that's, that's another example. So I started with that one. Being the front of me to myself, this is a little bit more complex. And I do this, too. I do this almost as much as I'm my own enemy. I my old friend of me. The very best example I fell on my knees will probably find this ironic and funny. The very best example of being my own frenemy, is doing introspection itself. Because when I'm when I'm doing the introspection, right, it's over in being overly introspective. I can when I want and it's it's a practice of mine. So much so that it sometimes gets in the way of enjoying the moment. Right. So um here's an example for for my fellow miners out there, I'm an actor, right appear in plays and various things in my area, and I could be getting a standing ovation hands holding my cat fellow cast members enjoying should be enjoying all of my flowers. And I will look into an audience and not see someone who I thought was going to be there that night. And then I start being introspective. I say look at all the praise that I'm getting and it becomes a frenemy situation. Look at all the praise, look at all the accolades. You deserve this and then that same moment These people are strangers. Why isn't my friend who said they were going to be in this in the audience? Why are they here? And then it becomes, why can't you hush and enjoy this moment? It's all of those things in that one little moment. Yes. And it's and then it becomes stopped being so introspective. And so I'm being my own frenemy, because you sometimes you just have to get out of your own head. Yeah, just enjoy the stage and the flowers in the applause. There you go. Yeah, absolutely. Going back to the theme of self love, which I try to practice as much as I can. Then hopefully this will make sense to the to the other miners out there. Because it's very personal to me. And this is my truth. Enemy frenemy I'm gonna end with Ally, enemy for me. Oh, unbothered. Oh, here we go. Yes. being introspective and unbothered. So I'm gonna, this is this is something we talked about earlier. But we didn't talk about it in this way. One of the things that we said the very beginning of this discussion is my perspective as a black male. Right. And there are times when the black male introspection, introspection in me says, Listen, this don't have nothing to do with either being a black man, or don't have nothing to do with this black man. There was an incident that happened at one of the award shows recently. And I'm not going to name a name, but there was an incident that happened at a war and an award show national television with a black man. And then I have to say to myself, Okay, now let's go into introspection mode, right? What does this mean for me? How does this reflect on me? As a person who's in a similar industry? Right, right. Does it reflect on me as a person who is in the same age range? Does it reflect on me as a black man? Right? Because it was another black man that this happened with, right? So then I say, if people see that, are they going to think that about me, right? That's, that's the introspection, right? But that's where the introspection starts. That's the spiral. And then the unbothered part comes in and the unbothered setlist says, Listen, I have a toll job. I have friends. I have a mother, I have a bout to be having a mortgage. I am unbothered by this. I energy time. As a black man, nah, this ain't for me. This will pass in a minute. You know, and then you move on, right? It'll be something else. There's something something's as a black male. And I'm sure and for my fellow miners, and you don't call the miner Redster all miners, but the black men and black women like there's things that we don't need to be bothered with. There's the we don't need to be introspective, we don't need to be going so hard on ourselves about let's just, this is not worth being introspective about. If we're gonna be introspective about something as black folks or, or might have fellow miners in the universe, then be introspective and be the last thing and ally. And there are things that we do need to be introspective and being being an ally about there are things happening as black folks in America, if we are to continue our legacy, or build a legacy for ourselves as a community or just our own individual cells. There are things that are happening that say there are moments in our lives that we say do we stand up for that? I mean, I mean, we saw that thing happened, that I stand up for, if I make a difference that I make my voice heard, as a black person, the introspection starts, black man gets shot in the street. Right? You hear about it on the news? Right? You see it sometimes on video, unfortunately. And then the introspection starts. And you say, Okay, how does this affect me? Right? How do I feel about this, then what the rest of the world is thinking, right? Well, how do I feel about this? Could this could this affect me personally? And if it couldn't affect me personally, or somebody in my general view, or in my general sphere as a circle? What can I do about it? And even if it doesn't, right, it could just be stuff that you're doing for the world, but how much energy introspection how much energy am I going to allot for my own A finite bucket of energy, right? Because we all are finite in my energy. That's correct. That's right. How much of my energy am I going to alert to this day? And at times, you might feel like you want to be unbothered, right? Because it's a lot. It's a lot. And then sometimes the the unbothered becomes being in that life, because you say, You know what? There are different ways that I can stand up. There are different ways that I can contribute there. And it's not all about contributing to a charity, or going to a march. Sometimes it's about having a conversation. That's right. With your with your fellow miners, with the people who are listening. And and with the people who matter to you in your very close circle. Yeah, so you're an ally. In that space. You start with the introspection of how does this affect me? Right? Does this matter? should it matter? How much of my energy am I going to unlock to it? If it does matter? And then how can I be an ally is where I'd love to be, I'd love to start this by saying I am mostly my own worst enemy. And what I really love to be as my won't own best ally, I'd love to be in a space where I can pat myself on the back and say, You know what, you did the damn thing. Today, this week, this month, I wish that I could be there. And I'm trying, I really am trying. But you know, we all go through cycles, we all go through these cycles of introspection, and whether it's being an ally, being an frenemy an enemy, or unmod. That's right. And the thing about that is that it's all a part of you that what the thing that we started this with, and the thing that I'm gonna stop saying, and let the podcast person who's running this actually do it is it's about self love. It's about accepting all of those parts of you, and not being ashamed to say today I'm unbothered have not been ashamed to say today and my own enemy. You sometimes you, you just need to know, but you just need to identify it. And that's what I love about the identification. It's the ally, it's the frenemy the enemy and the unbox. Thank you. Yeah. Just summed that up, wrapped it in a nice little bow. I love it. But what I really love is how you are actually merging the, the ideas together, because it's correct. You know, it's kind of like emotions, emotions are typically never just one emotion, like, you're just angry, or you're just sad, you know, there are other things that are mixed in there. And it's the same thing you know, with with those four categories, you could be all four in a moment to yourself, you know, when you have that internal dialogue, so you bring up a good point. And, you know, before we move on, I did forget to mention something very important. The name of marquee show is called so here's the thing. Yeah. He hasn't said it yet. But Okay, y'all might hear it in a few minutes. He, it'll come out naturally. And, and, you know, I was on that podcast, and I really appreciate, you know, you have me on as your first guest, I had a good time. So you guys can go and take a listen to that. And as far as contribution to the black community, yes, he also invited me on for the second season as his co host. And so I was able to do a few of the, you know, episodes on with him, and I'm very proud of it in the sense of the subject matter. And this goes back to contributing, you know, to the, to the black community, which you brought up. And that's having a conversation, sharing a story with other people that look like you to know that you're not the only one out there, you know, and that's, you know, also essentially what we're doing right now, me as a black woman, you as a black man, I think even just us having like minor, yes, you as a black minor. You know, us even having the space and talking, I think it only takes two, right? It only takes two. And so when you have like minds, and you have people cooperating and working together in our race, and you just you just want this to build right and to me that came across on your show. So I appreciate you having me on it as the co host and I think also just letting people have a platform to share their story as a black person is very, very important, you know, because you also mentioned something earlier about feeling alone. And I would imagine that, you know, especially black men, I gotta tell you, you know, I think that black women and black men, we, we have a lot of the same struggles, but we do have our differences because of gender. And, you know, when I take the time to think outside of myself as much as I can about, you know, a black man's plight and what it could be in the United States of America, it just, it really hurts my heart. Because I just feel like, um, black men are undervalued, underappreciated, they're not seen, they don't have the voice that they should, they're not able to stand in their manhood the same way in the United States of America, unless they demand that and with that demand, it comes, I'm sure at some type of price. It's just, you know, I can keep going. It's not easy. And then on top of that, you don't know what's going to happen when you walk out on some streets in the United States of America. Can I say something very easy to please, two things I really wanted to touch on. But the second one is, the more important so I'm going to briefly touch on the first one first. The other thing about doing this introspection is that sometimes it's unexpected. Or if you think that you're going to be unbothered by it, then why is that be like you wind up being your own enemy, because you probably shouldn't be bothered. Like care one way or the other. So that's one. But two, it's about this, this thing that you were talking about being alone, as as a black man, in my view, a particularly when you're talking about introspection, I talk about this with very, very few of my black black male friends, because a lot of times they don't have the language, or a lot of times they are ashamed. Or have there's a stigma about talking about introspection as a tool of mental health for black men specifically. And I think that black women have, I don't know if it's fortunate, or my own perspective is that black women are have a little bit of a leg up because they, to my mind, talk about their own mental health with each other with each other black women were women. That's what women Yes, absolutely. That's one of the major differences. Yes. So as a black man, I could be talking to somebody about my introspection from me and me, I live unbothered. But they may not have the same emotional language, or understanding to be able to fully engage in it, or they're ashamed that they don't do it themselves. So now I have to sort of shy away from making them feel uncomfortable, because they're like what you really are. I'm even thought about that. And I'm like, well, it's not like, hey, maybe you should, it's a fine line, because you don't want to make your black matte black brother, like, ashamed for not being able to express themselves. Right? You also want to provide an example of faith, this is okay to do. It's okay. You should examine yourself and talk about your self examination with others. Yes, it's free. Yes, it is. So that's, that's it, that those were the two things. I love that because you know, even in that exchange with another black man, I think that it lets that man know that it's possible, because you're doing it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Right. That's why I wouldn't that's why I share it. That's why I tell these, you know, my friends, but I'm selective with who I can share that with. Because there is a certain vulnerability with it. Right? And I don't, I'm, I can't be vulnerable with every black man I meet. I just can't be not apt because they're not black man, black woman purse. You can't be vulnerable with every person. That's the truth. But you have to sort of pick and choose not who can handle it, but who can hear. Amen. Amen to that. Yeah. And that's what. Go ahead. I was just asking miner if he agreed. It seems Why does? Yes. And you know, what I'd love to get into is, you know, without you so much sharing, let's say a specific story, because you gave us some great examples. Thank you for that, because that gives context. Right. And you are a storyteller. Yes, you are. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it would be nice to know. Like, how can you give us an example of how you purposefully do introspection. Okay. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I pray that you build your relationship with God. Love yourself unconditionally, and put in the work to my refine and shine those JEMMS!