Allies Series Ft MarQuis Fair: Beginnings - A Black Man's Journey of Introspection

Today's episode continues the conversation with MarQuis Fair and our fellow Miner!  He discusses five steps to beginning introspective work as a black man.  He then goes deeper into the mining process by attaching emotions to this work, specifically addressing the feeling of anger as a black man.

If you are listening in, wondering, who is this Miner?  Well, you or anyone willing to do the inner work to mine their JEMMS!  

Click on this episode to meet up, listen, and remember to invite your inner child.  That part of us needs healing too!  ;-)

Transcript

0:03

Hello, I'm your host, Charmaine, and welcome to Beautiful JEMMS! Yeah, you know, what I'd love to get into is, you know, without you so much sharing, let's say a specific story, because you gave us some great examples. Thank you for that, because that gives context. Right? And you are a storyteller. Yes, you are. Yeah, yeah. So I think it would be nice to know, like, how can you give us an example of how you purposefully do introspection? Okay. I'll say it this way. So here's the thing. I love things, right. It typically happens in moments of great crisis, or great joy. Or generally great emotion. But I'm gonna start with crisis. It's hard to do without giving, giving an example. Well, if you feel if you feel that you want to share, yeah, you can. Yeah, I'll share. Um, but five years ago, maybe it's been a little bit more than five years feels like five. My mother had breast cancer. I'm sorry. No, no, it's fine. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I had to be there with her while she was going through her treatments. And thankfully, she's, she's fine, and everything's okay. But she had to have a double mastectomy, and chemo and radiation. And in those, there were moments when she would be in a lot of pain. And instead of showing her that her pain was upsetting me, right? You I became stoic. Right, right. I became a rock for her. Right? I'd become sort of like, listen, we're gonna get this, okay, these are the appointments and became you become this person. And I became very stoic and very sort of, I wouldn't say guarded, but solid. But on the inside, I started a chain of introspection. And it was very intentional. One. It starts with this. Here's the here's how it goes. Follow me on this introspection train. I'm sitting here. Trying not to cry. Why am I trying not to cry? This is my mother. She has known me my entire life. What is preventing me from sharing this part of myself with my mother? The answer comes, I want to be a good son. I want to make sure that she has somebody strong. Okay. For you, you're an ally to yourself, because that's a good answer. And it makes sense. And, you know, you should sort of love yourself for being the good son that you are in that way, small way. Right. Part two of the introspection is is that enough? Am I good son for being completely stoic and getting the job done? Or am I making her and myself? Am I doing us a disservice by not sharing completely in her pain with her? Am I doing her a disservice? And I'm doing myself a disservice. I should be able to share my pain, but people will love me. Why am I afraid of sharing my pain? And I start writing these things down. Right? You can I that was in the chemo waiting room. They happen to have a stylus, the nurse Do you have a pen and paper? It just starts to the free flow from free forming thoughts, right? You sort of outline these things. Some people do it in music. Some people do it in poetry. It becomes writing for me kind of like a story. Right as I'm doing right now. The enemy injured part of the introspection comes in where ultimately comes down to a question of self worth. Am I good enough to see her through this? If she doesn't make have was I not good enough as a son. What got how am i How can I do this? How can I fix this? Right and become my own enemy because It's, it's out of my control. Right? So, in that way, you're sort of I put a lot of self blame and self doubt. And that's another thing you sort of identify the emotion, you get down to the nitty gritty. Why am I in this way? Why, what what's causing this? Where's this coming from? Where did that thought come from? And you start writing down, okay? So blame, shame. doubt me, right. So you can frame these in a lane. And then you start making columns. If I had the tool, if I had the the thoughts as you the categories, as you put them, I might have made columns, one for ally, one frenemy one for enemy, one for another, right? And that's part of how I do the introspection is it? It become, it comes at a moment of great crisis. I listen to my inner workings. Sometimes it becomes a pit in my stomach where I'm like, Oh, my God, something is going on with me, this is affecting me in some way. I don't even know quite what the emotion is. But I have to sit with this. I have to write this down. I have to like really delve into this because there's something about this that's causing this. And you have to listen to yourself. It's intuition. You really have to listen to yourself. All right. And then, just very quickly, in moments of great crisis and great joy, right, the greatest joy one of my greatest joys of last three years, was meeting my friend Charmaine. And, I mean, for the miners who were friends with Charmaine and for those of you who aren't, sure maintain at a time in my life where I was at a at a job that I wasn't sure about, and ultimately, it didn't serve me well. But also at a time in my life, where I was stuck creatively. And spiritually, I needed to do something different. I've always been an actor. I've been doing that for a long time and I want to start a podcast. I told told Charmaine about it. She said, God, listen, do it, do it. I don't even know what it would be about etcetera, etcetera. And ultimately, I did it. Charmaine was my first guest. And she's been a source of inspiration. And sort of a, what's the word I'm looking for? An objective marker for me. As she will tell me like it, it's one of the one of my greatest joys about the last three years has been consistently being a friend to Charmaine and being and feeling like she regards me as a very good friend, because of Charmaine can regard me as a good friend than my introspective enemy. At my worst and darks moment, when I'm saying, How can I be a good person that antibody in my worst and darkest moment? I have joy and objective marker outside of me that says, you know, what, if Charmaine can be my friend and thinks I'm a good person, then there must be something to it. And there's a light, there's a light out there that pulls me out of this introspection, enemy dark place. And it's one of my great joys. And the, the, the, the introspection that comes with that great joy is, how can I replicate that? How can I be a Charmaine to other people out there. And it's, it's, it's such a wonderful and lovely way to live, if more people can, could have somebody that said, like a mentor, or like a just a good source of light out there, and you say, You know what, there's one person out there that I would love to be more like, then the world would be a better place because people would be aspiring to be something better than themselves. Does that make sense? You're better than me, but no, no, no, the I don't think you say that at all. We're just different. And I think and we're also similar, where it counts, you know, we have our similarities. And I want to say that I feel the same way because you have also been a light to me. And here's the thing that's interesting about you, here's the thing, yes, there we go. You have actually shine light on places of joy for me, you know, because I feel like you're a generally happy person and I love that you know, and and I have spent a good part of my enemy so my enemy that tell you my enemy I'm a happy person. He gets very sad sometimes, but you know, anyway, but, uh, you know, I want to, you know, something that you do that happened Never experienced with any friend is you will pause in a moment. That's like a really just like happy, blissful, just like a moment that we're both really enjoying. And you will actually say, let's stop and enjoy this, huh, it was like, when you first did that this one here, you know, I'm really, really, really appreciate you Marquis just for being who you are. So you come in on, you know the phone to speak to myself and the fellow miner. I am just like overjoyed that they have gotten a chance to see your light. And I'm sure they're gonna see some more over the next few minutes. So thank you. So, yeah, yeah. And you definitely I want to say, shining a light in a place or an area that black men need. I feel like and you can correct me if I'm wrong, because I mean, you are a black man. I'm introspection, you just said that there's difficulty with the language. Right? And so, yeah, if you were to give some type of like context that if somebody was just starting out, let's say a black man was just starting out in this introspective journey, what would you tell him to start with? What would you tell him to do? I'm gonna try to keep this to five things. One, find a quiet place where there is no one there but yourself. Literally no one in the in the immediate vicinity, if it's you're in the room by yourself with the door closed, if it's in your car, by yourself, be by yourself with as as alone as you can be, find a quiet place to if it would help you, and this sort of one a but if it would help you build that quiet space with either more quiet, or a sound that would be most comforting to you. If it's your favorite music, if it's some people like ocean sounds, some people like the sounds of the city, raise the window, right? Find the the sound or lack thereof, that would be the most comforting to you. So part one and part two, is about putting yourself in your most comfortable place because you're about to go into introspection, and you want to be comfortable. You don't want this to feel like a bad experience, especially your first time out. Right? Number three, close your eyes. And keep them close to you then probably three or four breaths, breathe out three, four breaths, and just take in the very first thing that comes into your mind. Be anything now that you're alone, and that you are at your most comfortable. What's the first thing that comes into your mind? It can be some hungry and you think about what you want to eat. And just let the free form thoughts. Number four is let the free form thoughts flow. Don't let it be about I gotta get to this particular destination. I gotta get I figured this thing out. That's bothering me just let the free form thoughts flow. So flow with me. I'm hungry. What do I want to eat? While I'm trying to be my most comfortable so I want my favorite food was my favorite food. Crabs, crabs reminds me of grandma. You know, I miss grandma, and you just start going down a path right? And you start attaching either emotion and really number five is either mentally or on a piece of paper if you have one mentally or in your in your head. attach an emotion to each thing that hits so if the very first strong emotion is grandma love, write that down. Just write it down grandma love or just have it as a thing. And then you think about grandma you think about your love you think about your very favorite memory with grandma and that or your worst memory to be bad memory. Right? And it could be grandpa, whatever it is or your your birth trip where you got hurt on a trip to Grandma's and how did that hurt make you feel? How did that hurt make you feel when you went to the hospital or when nobody took care of you? When somebody told you to get up because it didn't hurt that bad? How'd that make you feel? Right, and then you attach an emotion to that. So each big thing, you attach an emotion to it, set a timer if you wish, if it's important, if there's something else you have to do outside, right, but these are the five things, I'm going to go over them again, one, find a quiet place, one as filled that quiet space with either sound or non stop, whatever it is to close your eyes. Keep them closed. 3128, take a couple of deep breaths, maybe two or three deep breaths, because you're about to go into introspection. Number three, this is the first part of the introspection, actually, it's all part of it. Three, into the very first thing that comes into your mind, whatever it is, whatever it is, that really just comes down to set no expectation for what the introspection is going to be. Just let it do love them for let the free form thoughts flow. Don't set a destination. When you're first starting out, and then number five, if you can, if you if you have it available, write down or set mentally. Those big motions, emotions set up set up an event, and then an emotion that's tied with it. And five A's really set a timer if you need to. So that's what I would say. And the more practice you become at it more when really something affects you. You can say, Oh wow, why does this affect me? Okay? Let me do my introspection, find a quiet place. Take a deep breath. Close my eyes. You become practice that? Mm hmm. So that's why I love I love that answer. Because there's so much in that answer to unpack, you know, unpack. Um, yeah, what I would also ask you is now that you have this emotion, before we unpack anything, what? Well, actually, that's the very thing we want to unpack. Why? Why did you say attach an emotion and step number five, like the big emotions, because now this sounds like we're moving into like deeper introspection here, right? Because we're starting starting people out. But now when you get to these emotions, as a black man, and I want to say that because there's there's a particular emotion I would love for you to touch on. And that's anger. What do you do once you identify B emotions, those big emotions? So the original question was about sort of what, what would I say to a black man or any person starting out and didn't had never done introspection before. So those are the first sort of five parts of it. The attaching of emotion does lead to lead to a road of deeper introspection. But the idea for beginners is that if you attach an emotion to it, you are starting a language for yourself, you are creating a literal language for yourself. So that you can speak to it when other people ask you about it, or you get it there's something to it. It gives it form, it gives it shape. Yes. So that's, that's what that's what attachment emotion does, right? So, which leads to deeper introspection, now that you have given its shape, and form, now that you have done that thing, you can either choose to go deeper, or say, Oh, I liked that. I'm gonna keep that. Right. So if it's grandma's crabs, right, that you really love, and it's love and grandma, right? You could either choose to just live in that happy or say, Why do I love grandma? And who else do I love because they also love crap like my grandma, and then then it becomes a whole different journey, then you go down, but what else do I love this person and you just perpetuate that so that's a way to do it. If it's a good one, if it's a bad one, we're going to your to your earlier point about anger. Um, I believe that um, well, let me say it this way, I have come to believe that there is no useless emotion. There is no emotion that should be trivialized. There is no emotion that we should be suppressing. We just need to identify it, know it for what it is, and know how to manage it or manage around it. Yeah, in the case of anger, it's not I'm going to suppress the anger. Now that I know what it is like and talk about it because it only builds. It's not, I don't have a right to feel angry. No, some, sometimes you do need to feel angry. And so it's okay. Don't let nobody tell you that you're not supposed to be identified. That's okay. Especially as a black man. But if you have found that the anger is a block, because it can be too forward progress, or evolution of yourself or your surroundings, or if it's getting in the way of something you're trying to really get to, then you have to you have to, you can't manage around it, you have to manage through it. You can't just say, Well, I'm gonna dance around, you really have to manage through it. And managing through it means literally dissecting what is the cause of that anger? Like, really, what is the cause? So here's a, here's a permit me I'm going to I'm going to go very quickly through this. Here's an example. I'm going to give a black male example specifically. By I'm angry, I'm gonna say Marquis. Right. So I was angry. Um, about a week ago. Yeah, but a week ago, I was in the in the market, not even a market like a clothing store. And, um, person. another black man. As soon as I walked through the door, came up, follow me. Can Is there anything I can help you with? Sir? Follow me through. Now. This is a this is a clothing store. Right. And it's a chain. So this is not like somebody's trying to be helpful. This was to the point of, I know why you're following me. Right? Because I think that I'm going to steal something. Because he hadn't done it to other people. Right. So now I'm angry. I'm angry Marquis, right? And then I'm angry for a couple of reasons. One, of course, I'm angry for being both for being followed in the space to I'm mad at the at the man, the young man, young black man who was following me and I'm very, I'm angry at the situation. That put him in a position where either corporate or somebody he's dangerous. Somebody out there told him Listen, when they come in, you got to follow him? Yes. Or I'm mad at his upbringing. Because I'm like, somebody should have told you nah, nah, you don't you don't do that? No, we don't do that to each other. Thank No, no. So I'm mad at all. Right? And how do I manage to that? Right? I have to manage through it. Which means I have to dissect those emotions just as I did, or those those reasons why I'm feeling angry. Right. I've dissected them, I then identified them. And now the next part of going through that is now what can I do about it? I can't talk to drum man about his upbringing, but I can't talk to his parents. Right. To brought Him who raised him up. I can't talk to to the miners, his miners, I don't know who they are. Okay, I can talk to them. So, okay, like, what do I do about that? Can't do anything? So I'm mad at the situation, right? At corporate? Could I write them a strongly worded letter? I could. But more to the point, I could actually talk to the to the manager, right? Or to the young man himself. Those are my options to say, Hey, this is this is offensive. Like don't do this. But I can do that. So that's an option that's available to me. Right. And so that's one manage through that I've done. And the other the other thing that I'm mad at is I'm a black man who's being followed. Right. In America now mad at the whole America situation. We're wildly black men in America have to be followed in the damn store. I'm mad at. Right, let me What can I do about? Can I talk to the whole of America? Well, I've done a podcast. I can talk one person at a time, but I can't I can't really manage the whole of America. So that's another place where, you know, either I manage through it, but only to a point where I know I can't really do that much about it. But so that I can either speak to the young man, I can leave it alone. Or I can talk to the manager when I talk to the young man. So I'm actually very good and I want you to know that You following me? Feels not great. Thank you. And yeah, he was like, oh, man, I'm sorry. Yeah. I know. I know what it's like. I said, Well, if you notice, like, all right, all right. Well, goodbye. And he walked away. So I probably came off a little harsh, right? He probably needed it. But so that is to say that sometimes managing through your anger doesn't always come in a calm tone. Right. Sometimes managing through your anger really does mean. delicto. Yes. As long as it doesn't harm you. It's okay to Yes. Be a little angry and show that you're angry. You don't have to keep the anger inside. You don't always have to be calm black land. No, you can express yourself. Absolutely. So. So hopefully that helps. That does help and Oh, my goodness, like, I love I love that example. Because what I loved about it the most is, is that it's a black man and a black man, a black man. And a black man, a black gentleman. Yeah. In, in America. And it's, it's, you would think that you would barely see anything like that today. But you don't know what kind of pressures that young man is under, you brought up a good point, you don't know what corporate is telling the man in order for him to keep his job. So there are so many other factors even just saying that, like, for me, it saddens me because you just don't know what position people are in. And where they're coming from. Right. Manager could have said to follow you. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. That's why I'm so mad at management corporate, I'm mad at everybody. But the thing about it is, is that you can be angry and just go all the way off. It's pride. But and you could go off but then you still haven't done the introspective work and say, Okay, what what made me go off? Right? What? That's it, you have to really like, look at yourself and say, what, what was that about? And why am I angry? Am I remember really angry at the young man? Actually not? I'm angry at a whole bunch of other things that are associated with him. But then I'm angry. I'm in the situation in the first place. I can't really be really that mad. But this man? Yes, yes. Yeah, and you know that what I love about the story as well, too, is that you taught the young man. And I think as you know, you know, older adult who looks so young, you look so young, it's like sick. But, um, you know, he's, I'm assuming he was probably like, in his early 20s, or a teenager or something like that. And late teens, early 20s. Yeah. Right. And so by you, understanding who you are, and doing that introspective work in that moment, and I do want to point this out to our fellow miner, the reason why Marquis was able to do that introspection so quickly, is because it was a practice, something that you have to keep doing over and over. Like, if you want to be good at football, you got to practice football every day. If you want to be good at acting, you got to practice acting, right? So it's the same type of principle, right? Where you are practicing these this introspection. So when, when something happens, and it will happen? Absolutely, that throws you off. In that moment, your introspection will kick in that practice. You whipped through that in a few minutes. Like think of if you think about how quickly that whole interaction happened. And work through all of that in probably like less than five minutes, because I don't even see less than five minutes with that happening, right? You found a solution. Um, you decided to manage through it, not take it out on the young man, you took responsibility for your emotion. And then at the same time you set an example for that young man. Yep. Now imagine if you would have done something even a little bit differently. Let's say you manage those emotions, but you never told the young man and he followed you around and you got piston. You laugh. You do that? Right. So you can't you kind of like as they say, back in the day, you kill two birds with one stone. You handle what you needed to handle you express your anger. You said you felt like you might have said it a little bit harshly. Maybe, maybe not. But he needed to get the point and you needed to express yourself. So in that moment, I commend you for Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that. And the thing about introspection and working through the emotions in that way is that I released it seems there. I haven't thought about it since until you brought it up. And I needed to sort of recall it. It didn't faze me, I didn't think. And that is huge, huge, huge, huge, huge. I want to point that out. Because there are some emotions that you hold on to, when you were talking about your grandmother. And her cooking craps, right? You eat in them, you hold on to that that's a great memory. That's a great resource, right? To go back to, but you also are going to come up against emotions that may be difficult to manage. But once you learn how to manage through them, you can release them. So that was that was great. Thank you so much for sharing that example. Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. So one of the quiet one. Another question I have for you is How long have you been doing introspection? When did you start? When do you remember starting to do introspection? This is gonna sound crazy. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I pray that you build your relationship with God. Love yourself unconditionally, and put in the work to mine. Refine and shine those JEMMS!