Prepare to be charmed and educated, as Dr. Linda Watson, a dazzling psychologist with a knack for humor, graces our podcast the healing power of laughter. Her book, "Dr. Linda's Comedy Marriage Bootcamp," not only tickles your funny bone but also serves a grander purpose, with proceeds going towards horse rescues—a testament to Linda's boundless heart and wit.
The episode romps through the often undiscussed terrains of relationships, from the bittersweet symphony of family unity to the paradox of romantic infidelity. Discover how a dash of humor can do wonders for your partnership.
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
Prepare to be charmed and educated, as Dr. Linda Watson, a dazzling psychologist with a knack for humor, graces our podcast the healing power of laughter. Her book, "Dr. Linda's Comedy Marriage Bootcamp," not only tickles your funny bone but also serves a grander purpose, with proceeds going towards horse rescues—a testament to Linda's boundless heart and wit.
The episode romps through the often undiscussed terrains of relationships, from the bittersweet symphony of family unity to the paradox of romantic infidelity. Discover how a dash of humor can do wonders for your partnership.
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
I'm Susie Landolfi, and welcome to Be Crazy. Well, I want to bring in this guy that you wrote about in this book.
Speaker 1:I've since 5.30 he's been feeding the horses and you have to go to work.
Speaker 2:There I am at blurry. You are blurry, there you are. I hope that when I use this blurry app it just sort of like fills in all my wrinkles. Oh, please me too, me too.
Speaker 1:Linda, can you do?
Speaker 2:Okay, hey, robert, go get her a book to sit on or something. She's kind of lower. I'm too short. Yeah, tilt her camera down.
Speaker 1:Like Christians, it's in Andrew's room, yeah.
Speaker 2:So how tall are you or short are you?
Speaker 1:Linda, well, 5'4 and 3 quarters, but I think the 3 quarters has gone asunder in the last decade or two.
Speaker 2:I say the same thing. So I say that I'm used to be 5'1, then I was 5 feet and I'm 4'11 and 3 quarters. So I've now a 3 feet the average height of a trainer.
Speaker 1:Okay, we got some bull string here.
Speaker 2:Oh good, she needs a car seat. So we, because we want to be able to see you.
Speaker 1:The apple doesn't far from the tree. My mom used to sit on a phone book when she drove, but she was 4'11 and 3 quarters, but they don't have phone books anymore.
Speaker 2:Linda.
Speaker 1:You know I refer to it in my book. I say you youngsters don't remember, but back in the day we referred to them on the daily. They live now only in our memory, kind of like the road warrior.
Speaker 2:So welcome everybody to be crazy. Well, we already started. We've already started to record, Linda. That's how I do this. I like get them started before you can get nervous. And we are with Linda Watson and wait to hear the title of her book. For all of you that have, you know, made the mistake of getting married and then said why did I do that? And then you got divorced and then you got married again and you go why do I keep doing this? For some of you, like Linda, that is, they've actually got married and stayed together. How long you've been together, Linda?
Speaker 1:About a half years.
Speaker 2:It was 35 last June 35 and a half years last June. And then, linda, what you decided to do? You are a PhD in psychology, so we can call you Dr Linda. You decided to write a book, and what is the title of your book?
Speaker 1:It's called Dr Linda's Comedy Marriage.
Speaker 2:Bootcamp, you bring it back right there, hold it right there, okay, great. So say it one side, nice and slowly, so people can get it.
Speaker 1:Dr Linda's Comedy Marriage Bootcamp.
Speaker 2:Yes, because if you did get married and you don't have a sense of humor, it's never going to last, that for sure, right? People take it way too seriously. Now, linda, I just want to tell everybody that I met you in the most wonderful way, because near and dear to my heart is everybody know a wild horses and most people would think that we met because we have the degrees in psychology. But actually we met because we are enamored with horse poop, horse treasures, horse treasures that we actually pick up and store somewhere, like we actually. Every time I pick up horse poop and the horses look at me they just shake their head like why are you? I can make more, why do you need to pick that up? But anyway, so everybody knows I'm part of Lifesavers Wild Horse Rescue, or most people know.
Speaker 2:27 years, over 400 horses, several thousand have gone through our wonderful ranch and Jill Star, who started it which I mean how do you have not have a name Star? Like that's her real name and like how do you not do something wonderful? Talk about pressure, right, pressure. So she texts me and says I bet this woman. I know this woman and she's been a real great supporter of ours for years. Her name is Linda Watson and she wrote a book. But wait, it gets better. What are you doing with the proceeds of the book, linda, when people buy that comedy bootcamp, marriage comedy bootcamp what's going to happen to the money?
Speaker 1:Half of all the proceeds and that's forever are being donated to Horse Rescues, so I have a nonprofit.
Speaker 2:You have a nonprofit, we have a nonprofit, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's called Nim check equine foundation. Only, I wanted to open up my own rescue, but we live in Southern California. Land is like more expensive than gold, and so I started thinking. Back in 2021 is when I opened my foundation, my nonprofit, and I decided better to support rescues already in existence, such as Jills, because they're the ones that are on the front line. They're rescuing these horses, they're giving them a home, which means everything to me. So basically, half of all proceeds from the book are being donated to my nonprofit. A hundred percent of that goes to rescues such as lifesavers and some others.
Speaker 2:And we can't thank you enough because you have bought a whole truckload of hay for 400 horses. You have donated that to us in the past. I called Jill about it. So what is she doing? Oh my God, she bought a whole trailer, direct load of hay for us, and more and more.
Speaker 2:So first of all, I wanted to tell everybody that, and I wanted to thank you for all that you do for us and for the horses, like that's so important to us. And then, of course, what you did was you decided to do it in such a unique way, one that's near and dear to my heart and you've done something that less than 50% of the people adults in the world do right now or in America do right now, and that's stay married. We're down to less than right, so, myself included. So I want to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you to read some of the book. At first, I want to know what possessed you other than that wonderful man that just stuck his head in Robert. Tell me the beginnings of what made you want to write this book, and I'm going to have sip a glass of wine while you're doing it.
Speaker 1:Well, my reason was twofold to raise money for the horses and then also but you could have written a book about anything Well, typically when people want to make money and help horses, they do a horse oriented theme.
Speaker 1:You know horses galloping through the prairie, the training, you know that type of thing, and I thought that's fantastic and that's going to appeal to 3% of the population, the hardcore horse lover like us.
Speaker 1:But I thought what could I think of that's going to appeal to a much larger audience? And actually for 12 years I worked for a company that I worked in education huge company thousands of coworkers and most of them were younger and many of them were either, you know, getting married, getting divorced, struggling in their relationships and just kind of, as the years went by, people started saying, you know, talk to Linda, she's been married forever, she's going to give you kind of some weird advice, but listen to her because, yeah, and she's never going to repeat anything. And so that's basically kind of the foundation of this is, you know all these stories basically interviewing, you know, hundreds and hundreds of people, couples, individuals and so I thought you know this is a good way to make money for the horses. But also I think you know, if someone stays married because of reading my book, it's going to make me really happy because I feel sometimes the advice folks are given it's kind of the same thing we hear communicate, just communicate.
Speaker 2:And in a good relationship, they forget to say communicate kindly and honestly, like they do. You know, communicate means I just have to lie. Well, that could mean that. Right, I forgot the other thing.
Speaker 1:So I use a lot of real life scenarios. I have success stories. At the end I go from A to Z. It's basically, you know, A to Z and there's different scenarios and a lot of comedy thrown in, but it's really kind of funny and irreverent. And instead of chapters like, oh, just communicate, be best friends, I tell it like it is. I'm like you know, there's times you're sick of them, you can't stand them, they're driving you nuts and how do you get around that? How do you get past that? And you know what are kind of some some good techniques, and so instead of chapters like just communicate and so on and so forth, it's chapters like Mary to an alien mother-in-law, straight out of hell he's already got a mama.
Speaker 2:I love that one, I love that one. So so when? So you did this because and the reason I wanted you to tell the story is you didn't write this book out of isolation, of just your experience, nor did you write it because you have a degree in psychology you were at work and people were asking you questions. You were in the milieu, in the front lines and people kept coming and you said, well, and I think you first wrote the book fairly seriously. So tell me the transition from serious to comedy.
Speaker 1:So yes, originally, I originally started the book in 2016. That's when I started compiling all the stories, putting them together, came up with the A to Z idea and started interviewing some of my success story couples and I really intended it to be a serious marriage advice, but very serious advice, and that's how I wrote it the first time. And then, after COVID, right after COVID, I was ready to turn to the publisher. I just started talking to people, just kind of like at the boba shop or wherever, and saying do you want to read a serious marriage advice book? And 100% of people said we just had COVID, we don't want to be serious, and I thought this is not going to fly.
Speaker 1:I need to rewrite this book, I need to throw in a lot of comedy, and so that's what I did. I took a lot of the same principles but I put in a lot of goofy, silly stuff, for example, chapters like when a man marries his mistress, because the French say when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening. So I tell true story Gavin from Laguna Beach, the movie star here, and his you know it's a little excerpt. Maybe I'll read later.
Speaker 2:Yeah, actually, let's do that now Because we can talk about it being funny or you can start to read some of what's in this book, and I'm really excited about this. I'm so grateful. It's like two things I love the most psychology and courses, and I even have a glass of wine. You're the first time I've had a glass of wine while I'm doing a podcast, cause I figured, oh my God, this is the perfect time to have a glass of wine.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely. Well, one little quick excerpt. I talk about unity. So unity is very. I say we all want to succeed in achieving unity. I myself fall short, very short, even shorter than my actual height of five foot four. In 2003, when Andrea that's our daughter we have one daughter. When Andrea was eight, our little family visited Hawaii At the time.
Speaker 1:Andrea loved to jump on the bed. That was her favorite thing. Soon, as we got to the hotel room, she says I'm gonna jump on the bed. She starts hopping on the bed. Well, robert told her it was rude and he told her to stop hopping on the bed. I didn't see and this is where you know typical marriage what's the big deal. I still don't see what the big deal was, but I spent my whole childhood jumping on beds. So I said to her, real quietly soon as daddy gets in the shower, jump on the bed as much as you want. It would have been perfect, except at age eight she was too young for this kind of collusion. So she jumped on the bed, happy as a clam. Soon, as he gets out of the shower, she tells mommy, mommy said so first three days of the trip. He was really annoyed with me because he said I didn't have his back and he was kind of right, so kind of like. That's sort of like a unity thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right. So this idea, though, let's go to that because that's such a good example. So Robert was told or brought up in his family. Now, did he use to? This is a question Did he use to let her jump on the bed at home? Yeah, that was fine. Okay, that was fine. So see what happened to Robert when he went out.
Speaker 2:He, it was from a family. It's kind of like get dressed for getting on a plane I'm so old. We used to like have to dress up to fly, you know, to go to church and all that. Everybody wears jeans. But the point is is that he had a demarcation. So the child is like wait a minute, I jump on the bed at home. I'm only eight. But now we just happen to be here in this hotel and I can't. And he said it was rude because it wasn't our bed, it's not our home. So what was so? And he said you don't have my back. And you just said something wonderful, she goes. And he was right. I did it Because I couldn't understand why he could, she could do it at home, but not here. I couldn't understand why it was rude. And so, did you ever discuss it before? Did you ever talk about it later. Did she come back and jump on the bed?
Speaker 1:Probably we talked about it and I guess I apologized. You know, and of course I do talk a lot about being able to apologize, kind of humbling yourself to like, oh geez, yeah, I guess you know you don't want to apologize Now. To be honest, we've gotten really lazy. In our electric youth we could prolong arguments and now sometimes we look at each other and I'm thinking did he apologize last time? Maybe I'll just, you know, just to get it over, because we're tired. You know, we're middle-aged, I'm excited clock. I want to go to bed.
Speaker 1:I do talk a lot about unity with kids. Because that united friend? Because, for example, kids are world-class eavesdroppers. You're talking about Aunt Pamela's affair with the church pastor. Little Goonther knows every detail because he's been creeping down that hallway like a ninja. You know he's 40 pounds, he knows everything. Kids are world-class eavesdroppers, we all know this.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so that's really important. So unity means that if you all of a sudden you're in a hotel with Robert and you didn't know at eight years old, all of a sudden he was gonna take a left turn because she was jumping on beds at home, that idea of being able to say, oh, hold on, hang on, dad has a concern about this. I gotta go talk to dad and find out why. That's rude. And I love that you talk about unity, because we don't think about that. Sometimes I would say listen, your dad doesn't like it, it doesn't bother me. And A-N-D, never butt, unless you're talking about someone's ass. But A-N-D, and you know I'm gonna support him on this one because I don't know why he might have a better reason that I do and I don't know it yet and I'll let you know.
Speaker 2:But that idea of unity and you know I work a lot with combat veterans, retired professional athletes and that idea of unity, it's imperative. Your life depends on unity. The winning the game depends on unity. And yet we can't do it, you know, in our own personal life. So I love that and I love that. You looked at it and you thought about it and you went oh, wait, a minute. That is important. Do you have other things you wanna read from?
Speaker 1:the book. Oh, so I mentioned that when Amanda Mary's is mistress.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we gotta read that one.
Speaker 1:I'll read a little bit of it. When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening. This wise phrase is generally attributed to the French. Why are the French so darn clever? Probably they've been around thousands of years not the same ones, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, now let's relay the tale of Gavin Hilling from Laguna Beach, california. He was 35, incredibly handsome, with movie star hair, successful, charming, big man on campus. Gavin and his first wife, elizabeth, were married for two blissful years when he fell hopelessly in love with his secretary, julia. Elizabeth was heartbroken, wanted to stay together. He couldn't possibly live without Julia and he begged Elizabeth. First be the divorce. Gavin and Julia get married. I'm condensing a little bit. Seven months later, the precise moment his divorce finalized, they were wed for three delightful years with a baby boy named Aiden.
Speaker 1:When Julia received an anonymous letter in the mail, the papyrus card revealed Gavin was dating their cul-de-sac neighbor, vanessa. On the side, julia, deeply suspected Vanessa for self-hits, sent the note. Julia's rage was tempered by greging admiration that Vanessa had actually selected such beautiful stationary with the requisite gold hummingbird during the envelope. So Julia and Gavin briefly reconciled, but then they split up when she discovered his credit card bill was stupendous charges for gifts for Vanessa Gavin. Why on earth did you not replace the shredder when it finally broke down from sheer exhaustion? Too late for regrets? Oh well, then he marries wife Vanessa, third wife, one year later. Amazingly, the turnout for their wedding was substantial. Truth be told, 90% of attendees were her friends.
Speaker 1:So now fast forward two glorious years of marriage. They're still wed, but only because Vanessa finds a way to turn a blind eye to Gavin's mistress, cassandra. She found out about her six months ago. Understandably, there was drama, but she's sticking it out, at least for now. She realizes, as perhaps the first two wives did not, gavin will always have someone on the side. Moreover, he has sharply detoured from his previous MO. He's not insisting on marrying Cassandra. Instead, he deeply wishes to remain with Vanessa. Even a true romantic like Gavin must be practical sometimes, because he shells out two massive alimony. To top it off, whenever Vanessa suspects he's been seeing Cassandra on the slide, she energetically hits them all for another round of her favorite news sport, revenge shopping. His only saving grace. She wears very high heels and she has not yet commenced that hobby, which is the most expenditure per hour, excuse me, online shopping. She still goes to the mall. She's old school, but she wears high heels. It doesn't go totally broke yet.
Speaker 2:Oh my God. Oh my God. Now you would say that maybe he doesn't believe in marriage, but actually he's keeping oh he does he does he loves being married be a romantic?
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly true romantic.
Speaker 2:You know Michelle Obama came out with the the honest day of the day. You know, I need to tell you there was a time I think it was when he was running for a senator but early in their marriage they had the two girls. She goes. I didn't like him for 10 years. She said I don't know, he wasn't helping with the kid. Now remember she was his boss, like when he went into the law firm. She was senior to him. So now, all of a sudden he's off and running doing his thing and she's home with the kids and thinking I really don't like him right now. Now I wanna talk to you about the idea of like and love. Do you have any thoughts about the difference and how much they are part of the marriage and which one's more important or going? I mean, it seems to me like she figured out that she could love him and not like him at the same time and wait till she liked him again.
Speaker 1:You know what this reminds me of is oh my gosh, pamela and Craig are one of my success stories at the end, and she talks about Pamela and Craig. They've been married almost as long as us and it talks about the number one piece of advice from this couple try to be each other's friends. Don't ever let that go away. The love will always be there, but it ebbs and flows. The friendship always needs to be there. Laughing a lot and being giddy like little kids is great as well. Pamela and Craig have been happily married for over 31 years. Their kids are now they're empty nest, and so, and this particular couple, they take walks almost every evening so that they can talk and catch up. And I don't know if my husband and I could take a tour or walk every night.
Speaker 2:We'd run out of stuff to say, but you know they're fantastic, yeah yeah, what have you done in your marriage that you know both you and Robert know really works? Like you had to find some things that didn't, then you had to duke it out and then you had to commit to some things that did. What are some of the things that worked?
Speaker 1:Well, it's humiliating, but I share a story that when we were married two years, his mom was driving me nuts. We were not getting along, and I was 27,. Some girls are very mature at 27. I was very childish. I'd lost my mom at 18 and I think I just didn't have enough guidance and so I used my genealogy as an excuse for my bad temper. Oh, I'm half Italian and half Ukrainian. It's a volatile mix, so I can't be responsible for having bad temper.
Speaker 1:So I'm sitting at the table and I'm ranting, we're arguing, but really it was me, just your mom's, driving me nuts. And so he said something to try and placate me. And I he said oh, don't let her bother you. And I just lost it. I said I've had it with your mom and dropped the plate. Millions of shards of glass everywhere. He's a very nice plate. And he says I can't believe you did that. Is he want another one? By this time I had a full head of steam, dropped another one. So he took his car keys and left. I'm sure he thought he married a complete nut job.
Speaker 1:And I went to my girlfriend's house expecting girl to girl solidarity, and she agreed. My mother-in-law was kind of a royal pain in the arse, so to speak. But she said you know, robert's a really nice husband. You're kind of out of line, linda, which is good for me to hear that.
Speaker 1:And so the next day I went to work, came home and we had a talk and he said the perfect thing to scare me straight. He said what if we had a child someday? And you were throwing things and a piece of glass flew in their eye. So I'm bawling by this time. It really was the perfect thing to say. And so I promised to never throw or break anything again, and 33 years have gone by and I haven't, because I think in my situation it was really. It was good that that happened really in the marriage, because and I put it in the book because, as humiliating as it is, I do put a lot of my embarrassing stories in, and other people's too, with different names, but mine I use my real name is so folksy, like those people that say oh, we get along perfectly all the time. We're just like two psalmates, you're the one who got me.
Speaker 2:I don't believe them and that scares me. It's like I had a perfect childhood. I don't believe that either.
Speaker 1:Right Spisci, yeah, yeah. So I think definitely kind of you know admitting, and we both have, over the years, admitting when we were wrong.
Speaker 2:Oh, I think that's absolutely top of the list, like being able to I call it own your shit. Yeah, own your shit. Right, just own your shit. Ok. And I want to say something else about that story that I think is phenomenal.
Speaker 2:When we first get married or live with someone, even, or get in a relationship with someone, we're bringing our training from our childhood. So in your family, yelling and screaming, getting mad, even dropping a plate, could have been considered normal, like that's just sort of Not the place. By yelling, yeah, yelling it's just sort of like every day, like you expected, people supported it, everybody did it. And then usually many times we marry someone who's got something we don't have, which is like calm or emotional regulation, a little more stoic, whatever. And I'm really touched by how Robert and then you were able to.
Speaker 2:He came back and he left because it was dangerous. I mean, it was not good for him to be around someone who is throwing glass right now, right. So he was justified and, trust me, I've had my own moments. What I love about the story is that he thought about an investment in the future. He didn't say you're going to hurt yourself. He didn't say you're going to hurt me. He didn't say that's not OK for you to do because you're bad or you're wrong or you're crazy. He said if we have children Now I can't even tell you how important that line is, because they didn't ask to come here You're building a partnership and then you bring this truly vulnerable being into a partnership that may or may not be safe, and for him to say that and not only that for him to say it and for you to be able to go, oh yeah, that meant at that moment you guys started investing in the partnership to also be parents.
Speaker 2:So I just want to commend you. So, as much as it's humiliating, it's so smart. It's so smart because I can't tell you many people get married and then the shit is the fan or and they can't figure it out but they've already had three kids and now the kids have to go through the war and the divorce of breaking up that they didn't ask for. They didn't ask for that. So marriage can also sometimes be so much more than just the two adults. If you're going to have kids and not everybody has to have them that's something that's really important. So I commend you, linda.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you. Well, I do bring up in the book that the genealogy was kind of a sorry excuse because my mom was a hun I was my excuse to say, oh, I'm Italian, like that's a big excuse. My mom was 100% Italian and she managed to keep from breaking a single plate in her whole lifetime. But there wasn't anything getting broken in my house but there was definitely yelling growing up, but then in his house it was more kind of silent treatment and like his mom would roller eyes and sigh heavily. So I talk about that kind of dynamic in the book, that sometimes those non-verbals yeah.
Speaker 2:Yep, it can be dismissive, it can be as hurtful, if not more so. I talk about partners. Did you notice or anything more in the book? I want you to pick out other things in the book that you want to share with us. I call it yabba parenting and yabba partnering. What I mean by that is look honey, look at the cake I made. Oh, that's great, but why did you put the frosting on? That's got honey. I just got the oil change here, but why did you get that? Wait, didn't they tell you? So I just wanted to know what else in this book have you discovered that you discovered before you wrote the book. So what did you put in that you knew was absolutely so important because so many people go through it and do it?
Speaker 1:I talked a lot about gratitude and appreciation. There's a big thank you section. I actually didn't highlight it, but I can find it. I talk about a little section of oh quickly, I have a teenage date night and just one little funny thing. Basically, teenage date night works like you and your spouse create a date you would have enjoyed as teenagers I say as 17 year olds and I say if, like me, you are a dateless wonder in high school, this will be particularly gratifying. It's things like go to the amusement park and get sonic. But I do have. Let's see here there's a little section called what motivates them. Let me find it real quickly because, oh well, real quickly. There's, we've all done it. Versus what were you thinking? The first statement promotes harmony. The second one alienates, let's say, your spouse screws up something. Okay, I'm following me. Now Go ahead. Yeah, I give this little example. I say, as of this writing Robert's at the Desert Writing Project, his buddies, let it be known.
Speaker 1:I made my fabulous best brownies, ghirardelli, extra special, from scratch On the morning he was going to leave. I'm like don't forget your brownies, robert. Oh no, he's worried with it. I have to put them in the truck. No, no, I got them. So I get home that night there's the God dang brownies sitting on the counter. Oh so, yeah, might I add those blasted brownies. Ultimo truly taunted me all weekend long from their little kitchen counter. Perch, eat me, linda, eat me there. Oh, screaming at me. So with that night when he calls me to say he's out of the desert, I don't mention the brownies. Early in the marriage in first sentence would have been you forgot your brownies.
Speaker 2:I spent all this time making them. You said you would. I offered to put them in the truck. Blah blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Right, the guilt. So now at this stage I didn't mention it all, right before I hang up he goes oh forgot the brownies, I go, don't worry. He goes, oh I forgot, I go, we've all done it, so we've all done. It promotes harmony and assigns no guilt. It kind of lets your partner off the hook. What were you thinking is really detrimental to a positive relationship, because people know when they eff up.
Speaker 2:That's right, they know. They know that. What were you thinking? Or how, like what was so stupid? Do you know what? So my grandson was probably like three, four years old, just going to a nurse's school, and I realized he was gonna hear a lot of things at nurse's school. So I said you know, Logan, I need to tell you something now that you're in school and you're gonna listen to a lot of things. And I said in our household, we don't say the S word. And he looked right at me. Lyndon said you mean shit. It makes me smile on his face. I go no, we can say shit, we can't say stupid, which is exactly what you were just talking about. That idea of putting others down in order to make us feel better, as if we've never done that before. Right, that's really something that I think is so important. It's so important to not be dismissive, to not be self-righteous.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's another one, yeah because you wanna feel like your partner's in your corner and that is one thing that was a very my success stories at the end. They've all been married 25 years or more. Very different personalities. Some of them had huge struggles. One couple lost a child. One couple lost their house in 2008.
Speaker 1:I myself have a giant broke chapter at the beginning of the book which is really embarrassing for me, but I threw it in because we went completely broke twice, not just once, twice and I feel like that's a huge struggle for a lot of couples and so maybe if they see kind of what we went through, it'll make them feel a little better, just that feeling of not being alone.
Speaker 1:But it's one of those things where, like, he spends three hours mowing the lawn and when he comes in it's just, oh my gosh, honey, thank you so much. That's so wonderful. Well, it's about time. So it's those little things over the years that can cause a relationship either to strengthen, and you feel like this person's really in my corner. And that's what my success stories all talk about. They talk about things like humor, looking on the bright side and always wanting to see the positive in your spouse, because I believe relationships can really a good relationship could really decline in three months to like yeah, or a bad relationship. And I make it really clear in the book if there's any physical violence, forget that. But with many situations where it's just like over the years, kind of an eroding of respect and courtesy and that friendship, those things can come back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's funny you just said because I was gonna mention this one of the things I wasn't able to do because of my childhood, my trauma and all that stuff. I didn't know because we grew up in the hallmark lifetime movies everything is supposed to be romance and you're supposed to be swept off your feet. Little did we know that's just a two-messant, that's just adrenaline running through it. It's supposed to leave after a while and then you're supposed to look at each other and go do we really wanna build something now before it was just given to us? But the point I was making was I didn't know how to base a partnership on principles. Everything was about what I thought and what I felt. So there's thoughts, feelings and actions. That's the only three things humans can do and I never thought or realized that I could make decisions based on principles, even irregardless of what I think and I feel I always tell people most of what you think about yourself or feel about yourself was either done to you or told to you. Like you were brought up by somebody, so a family and all of that. So you were indoctrinated. Like you said what are you stupid? Like that's an indoctrination of thinking about yourself and feeling. So the idea of basing and you just did it. You just talked about respect.
Speaker 2:So, regardless of how you think or feel at that moment that he left the brownies like, it's like I worked so hard. You could go through all these thoughts and feelings. I worked so hard on those brownies. He said he would do it. He didn't keep his word. You know what I mean. He doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't care what I. You could have gone through a whole litany of thoughts and feelings about those brownies and then based your reaction to him and your behavior towards him on those. Or you could say, oh, I've forgotten plenty of stuff in my life and my value isn't based on my brownies and I'm gonna just talk respectful to him. Does that sound about right? I mean, like what you were talking about respect and friendship and kindness.
Speaker 1:Definitely, definitely. And it's difficult because sometimes it's easier to just be like, oh my gosh, yeah. But I talk a lot about things like positivity and gratitude, and I talk about gratitude being so important. I keep a gratitude journal. I've done it for years and years and I went through a little hiatus where I stopped and every night I write down three things and I say, if you're really tired, if you're just exhausted at bedtime, you just don't have time. You could think of something and draw a little representative's wiggle. You still get the same psychological benefit. But when I stopped doing a gratitude journal I think it was for about six months it was hard at first to come up with three things, but then, when you get back in the rhythm, I never just write down three things, it's always five or six, seven or something. Just a little squiggle if I'm really tired.
Speaker 1:Because gratitude and appreciation, think of the people you know. Think of the people you know who are really miserable. I have a friend whose husband is always miserable. He has been miserable since I've known her We've been friends forever and he never looks at wow, he gets to live in San Diego. It's a great climate, he's got health, he's got a nice wife, he's got nice kids. It's always what he doesn't have, and always the boss is miserable. And so I think a lot of it is how people think of it, because if you have an attitude of looking at everything that you don't have in your life, it's easier to be miserable. Yeah, and that reflects on your relationship, of course.
Speaker 2:It changes your chemistry, like it literally changes your health. It changes your chemistry, it changes your brain chemistry and it becomes almost like an addiction, because you're afraid to be positive, you're afraid to look at something that you can be grateful for, for fear that it's going to be gone. So it's like a protection that actually turns on you and it's a protection that actually hurts you and hurts the other people around you. And so I really appreciate what you're saying about that, that idea of being grateful. One of my friends I talk about marriage and how it can go. So he's not a friend, friend, he's somebody I met by working with combat veterans. His name is Charlie Plum and he was with John McCain and the others at the Hanoi Hilton. They were Vietnam, they were Air Force pilots and they got shot down and then they got captured and they were in a prison of war camp for eight years. He was there for eight, I think John McCain was for five, I don't remember exactly anyway, and I had the honor to meet Charlie. I actually met three of them and I'm telling you this story because here he is in an eight foot cell for eight years and being tortured, and they had to figure out a way to communicate by little scratching noises and all of that and he was one of the ones that made it through and came home. And he came home and found out that his wife had married somebody else. She thought he was dead and they couldn't get any information about him and she waited as long as she could and then she married someone else. So when I think about people who have been able to come back from even the hurt of marriage, there's something to be said about that as well. There's something to be said about him. He eventually married someone else and he's still running strong. He's just a remarkable man and I thought, boy, that's gratitude, that's like understanding. He didn't get mad at her, he just was like OK, I get it. There's a point where we can't control everything about the other person and about the situation.
Speaker 2:I talked to someone today that said you know, my marriage might be over now just because we've grown. I'm not mad at her, I love her. I'm not in love with her, I'm not. You know, we don't have that much more in common and I'm very grateful. I spent these years with her and had these wonderful kids with her and it might be time for me to go do something else in my life. It was like, wow, right, because if you're going to write a book about marriage, you have to write a book about. This is your next one about how you leave a marriage without collateral damage. I am so inundated with so many kids that have gone through such trauma, not because their father and mother separated and didn't stay married. It's because of how they left. Did you come across that at all?
Speaker 1:I mean, yeah, and definitely it's, and you know, but of course I do even mention the book there's times when you know, we all know people that they've remarried and they're so much happier. So there's definitely and I talk about, you know, not discouraging remarriage but, for example, if someone's annoying, I kind of make the point that you know, wife number one was, you know, cheap and flirted with your best friend, but wife number two crashed the Audi and accidentally let on that she detests your golden retriever, molly, you know. And then husband number one, you know, flirted with your girlfriends and couldn't hold a steady job, but husband number two is rude to your mom and spends money like water. So I'm kind of like not to discourage remarriage but if you're still in your first marriage and you're thinking of getting out because they're annoying the whole point being they all are. But I do have a section where I talk about irresistible.
Speaker 2:Oh, can you read that? Did you mark that one?
Speaker 1:The book has an actual boot camp. And what the boot camp is? It's an eight step. And then I don't want to divulge too much but it's because it's a little intricate. But it's eight steps that you do for one month where, literally, if someone is like I'm done, I'm calling divorce her ass, I'm out of here, I don't want to stay in this relationship anymore. I say you know what? Give my boot camp 30 days, just do the steps for 30 days. You don't have to eat low carb or keto. That's a bonus. You need whatever you want, but you do the boot camp. And that's kind of where our cover comes from. So I'm covering up on the wedding cake like it's a spaceship. There it is. You're going to do crunches and so.
Speaker 2:Have you ever taken some couples and done a baseline because you're, you know your PhD and started. Had them go through the boot camp and then find out the impact at the end? Have you done that yet?
Speaker 1:So when I worked at my company I was at for 12 years different components of the boot camp I would recommend. I only put it really together toward the end, but its success rate was about 53%. And of course this is, you know, casual. I didn't run any numbers, I didn't do real statistics, but it's. And then of course I make it fun. I say, you know, picture yourself, as you know, richard Geer, an officer and gentlemen, or Goldie Haan and private Benjamin, you know. Or if you're a younger person, maybe like Jessica's Jess Tain, jess Tain, zero Dark 30, or Chris Helmsworth in the extraction. You know, I just make it fun. I say, you know, you got this boot camp. You don't have to hike around. We got golf carts at the ready with beverage service, so it's like a whole virtual boot camp. And that wall thing no one's asking you to climb over that, that's just in the movie, so you don't have to do that. But what I talk about is irresistible. Okay, so irresistible.
Speaker 1:We've all been told endlessly, in order to remain happily married, a couple needs to communicate. We're not going to dispute this here, but perhaps communication is sometimes overrated. Think of it this way Couples don't fall in love and get married because they communicate well. Man, do you go up to your buddies and go, oh my gosh, and so I love her, jessica, she's such a great communicator. No, it's. You fall in love passionately. It's how she looks at you, it's the color of her eyes when she kisses you. I mean, you just can't live without her, right you, absolutely. It's like oxy-contain.
Speaker 1:And so I talk about, of course, because being in love is one of the most narcissistic adventures a human being can undertake. When you're smitten with someone, it's such an incredible sensation. You're glowing brilliantly with happiness. It's all about you. I sound like peeky blinders. You know how to go, you so it's all about you. You're so in love, you transcend it every life, you're floating in heaven. It's kind of like that saying no one's perfect until you fall in love with them. At this blissful stage, even if your spouse does something strange or annoying, you're in denial. You can't bear to, you know, tarnish that image. You get married, everything's seven, it's blissful. Then, sadly, and inevitably, over time two, three years, you kind of unless you're long distance, you can prolong it you kind of lose that infatuation. And then I say and you'll like this, I say tragically, your marriage begins to lose its bright glow and that you fork feeling your partner is irresistible begins eroding, just like PCH in Malibu after a severe rainstorm. I lived in Malibu, for I'm familiar with Malibu, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a question of the way it's just gone.
Speaker 1:I see maybe it's unpaid bills, screaming kids, leaky roofs, whatever that is that idealized, beautiful, adored and worship creature you could not live without is now displaying numerous flaws. The end result is, as of now, that perfect angel is working your last nerve Disillusion. Spouses frequently described this sorry come down by stating they no longer feel they're in love, and so I say okay, let's now uncover the meatloaf and potatoes of this whole chapter, and what I talk about is how to get back that feeling, that irresistible feeling, and there's actual steps I give.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's actions. Yeah, you're saying actions help create thoughts and feelings. People don't understand that that that's how we actually work. Well, what I say is yeah, you can do things.
Speaker 1:So what I do is first I say, to really grasp this, let's look at the flip side of the coin. I'm gonna list attributes that detract from the irresistible factor and I list them. And things like gross personal habits these are things people actually told me and this is a lot of those 12 years of that company. Gross personal habits poor hygiene, bossiness, argumentativeness, irritating habits like spilling food on the counter and doing a half ass job cleaning up actual quotes. Stinginess, doesn't listen to you, looks at their phone you to talk, complains, doesn't pull their share of the income. Huge, one, huge, enormous. Leaves your waiter or waitress a stingy tip, thinking you won't notice. That actually came up repeatedly, oh my God. Never wants to have sex, always has excuses to tired, never wants to do it for the moment. Sex came up a lot, big, big one over the years, and so what I say is these are the things that detract from the irresistible factor. But then I list things holding hands, surprising your spouse with the flowers. If someone bullies you and you don't speak up for yourself, you don't take it out on your spouse. I talk about things like little couples with little kids getting out without the kids. The most important thing, yeah, sex being important, I got a couple chapters on that was not intending to.
Speaker 1:Originally the whole book was very G rated. And then friends of ours we had dinner and I was telling them about the book and she said, linda, where's your chapter? I go, oh no, I can't. I'm really modest and private. And that night I started thinking you know, my parents are passed away, aunt and aunt's uncles are all gone. Who do I have to scandalize? That's right. I reach out to my wildest girlfriends and let's just say Susie, there's stuff I didn't even know about.
Speaker 2:Love it. How Good. Yeah, it's not gonna be someone today too. Here's another thing that I think is important. You have that infatuation. It's chemical, it's thoughts and feelings, it's actions. I get that, I've had it before, and it's supposed to go away because you can't live on it. Can't live on it, right, you won't get any shit done. You won't go out and mow the lawn if you're still in bed having sex and then you're going out and spending and you're being romantic all the time. So it's supposed to end in order for you to be able to pay the rent and pay the mortgage and things like that, and that's when people go. Oh, I don't have that thought and feeling anymore.
Speaker 2:So my first degree is in theater. So I said, oh, so what was it like the first you know year? Oh my God. You know he'd knock at the door and then I come down and he'd say how beautiful I look. And you know I got all dressed up. Or you know I'd come into the bedroom after coming from the bathroom and I'd have something and I said, oh, so you wore costumes. And she went yeah, oh, okay, you had props, yeah.
Speaker 1:He was wow Nurse and Warlock.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I said, okay, and you were extra special, kind to each other and support, open doors and things. So you actually had stage directions. That's called the stage direction, you know. Character walks over and opens door of a car. I said, oh, that's easy, that's just theater.
Speaker 2:I've actually said to couples look, if there's really deep seated stuff that you've got to talk about, you got to sit down like you're in a. You can even do it like you're in a lawyer's office or with a judge. You can have someone there and you got to duke it out and get it uncovered. I get that Afterwards, though, you can have theater. So I've actually said to couples you're gonna go out on a date. Yeah, I said, well, don't get dressed in the same bedroom, in the same bathroom, really. And I go, you didn't do that when you were dating, right? You like, and I said so I'm gonna ask the guy go use the downstairs bathroom if you have one, or a friend's house, and then come to the house and ring the doorbell and pick her up, or two men I don't give us two guys doing it or two women like, do something you used to do to encourage that connection, that romantic connection with one another that you weren't doing with anybody else.
Speaker 2:Here's another thing that whole idea of sex. So, linda, one of the things I know about life we have had the movies decide that we get dressed up, we go out to the night, we have a dinner and then we go home and have sex after. It's the piece de resistance, after the date, right. Once you're having sex with someone and you have a date, my theory is is have the sex first at six o'clock, have your shower, put your lingerie on, have great sex and then go celebrate with a dinner, cause I don't know about you. Late at night and a full belly not a good idea to have sex. So I said, wait a minute. I think we get this asked backwards just because of movies, right, and I've actually asked couples to do that and say see how it worked. And they went oh my God, it was so much better. We had this great sex and then we were hungry and then we got dressed up and then we went out and we'd get something to drink and we came home we were tied and we went to bed, we slept so little things like that.
Speaker 2:I mean, we can, you and a marriage can do anything you want, and I think what you've done so brilliantly is people are filled with fear and sadness, and fear and sadness from the past, fear and sadness from what just is happening in their relationship now and from their childhood and what they went through their parents. So what happens is fear and sadness doesn't create joy. Fear and sadness, when it's unwitnessed and unprocessed, creates an anger. That's where anger comes from unwitness, unprocessed fear and sadness.
Speaker 2:What you've done so well is that you've asked us to consider creating more joy. Right, so that idea of respect and kindness and laughter and letting things go. You are making an atmosphere that can have more joy in it. But if you're living all the time anxious and depressed or fear and sadness there, joy can't get in there, they can't. So when you go back to the plates, I mean you were sad and scared about, like, what was happening here, like I'm in this situation and I don't like it and it doesn't feel good and right and I'm gonna let it all hang out. And he said, yeah, that's not gonna help if we have kids and you went ah, the joy of kids.
Speaker 1:I was like don't even talk to me about kids yet. I'm not ready. I'm sorry. What were you saying?
Speaker 2:I was gonna say how old is your daughter and what does she think of the book?
Speaker 1:She's 28,. She actually bless her. She edited it. She's a horse lover, she's Andrea, she's really really good with details. So she proofread and edited the book for me. She likes it. She got a kick out of it.
Speaker 1:She likes I throw in some really kind of retro stuff. I mean I throw in this thing about how in college good thing we had no technology because we used to play a dynasty game, so you take a shot of your drink when your character came out I always want to be Linda Evans, with the big shoulder pads and the hair. Every time I was John Forsythe every time. And then we on commercials we dance around to Derecoma Sare and she blinded me with science. And luckily there's no technology then, because the videos would just be humiliating.
Speaker 1:But I do have actually a section on let's see here fatal flaw. Oh right, I say we've strived for a tone of utmost levity throughout this book. Tragically, only sick and sad humor may be found. How can it be possibly otherwise when we're discussing the horror, the nightmare on Elm Street of fatal flaws? Here goes, tragically, at some point in your marriage you'll realize to your utmost display this. May enshe grin.
Speaker 1:Your spouse has at least one of what we shall christen of fatal flaw. If you're shaking your head because you haven't yet seen one, rest assured, you haven't been married long enough. So I give some examples of couples and basically I say things like it's crucial to introduce this most excruciating topic. Wide-eyed junctures have stars in their eyes at the beginning of the marriage, but then it's inevitable. The fatal flaw, calamity hits them like a two ton rhino. They feel betrayed. When it doesn't improve, they mistakenly believe if their spouse loved them enough they would simply eliminate the flaw. Years go by, the defect remains. It's almost undoubtedly worse with age. Then they wanna turn in their spouse for a recall. They can even call the local car dealer. Can I drop them off? Later, after the divorce, they swear they were blindsided by their ex's hideous defect. However, unless the couple had eloped after just two months, they knew about the flaw but naively believed they could eliminate it. By all means, give it your best shot. So I say, if you can live with it, but-.
Speaker 2:I call those red flags. And you see the red flag and you take it and you bleach it white and put it back up like it never existed, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we were talking about yes, exactly, we were talking about romance. I have a big section about the quickie. Basically, you sum it up hey, honey, stranger thing, starts in 17 minutes, jameson and Ashley are asleep. Come on, we got 14 minutes, let's get it on baby. So it's kind of like that. I talk about the quickie because, face it, when people have little kids, things go by the wayside and so it's maybe better than nothing.
Speaker 2:And the quickie could be really good too, because it demands that you both learn how to help each other have an orgasm quickly. That's a great skill, right? Not just that I'm focused Because they're quick, but you go no. No, this is what we both can do for one another, and get it down to like six and a half minutes. We can both get to orgasm. That's a wonderful challenge to figure out.
Speaker 1:Well, and timing is a thing, and that's what I do. I do have a sex chapter and an orgasm chapter and they're pretty glorious and there's some real so women. They've chosen to remain anonymous. They've given their best tips and, like I say, there's some dazzling stuff I had never heard of. But there's a little thing called he's already got a mama. Do you want me to read? Just a tiny bit, Just a tad for that.
Speaker 2:Then we'll add we got about another three to five minutes, so go for it.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, okay. So basically, he's already got a mama, and what I say is helicopter parents. You've seen at the private schools helicopter wives. They're kind of similar. Let's take a peek at this unique dynamic. We're dubbing it the mama syndrome. He's already got a mama. For some reason, this statement sounds much more charming with the Southern exit. While he's already got a mama. Her name's Loretta Sue. She lives two states away in South Carolina.
Speaker 1:You and Mary Lady, on the other hand, have a very important role in his life. It's show, ain't mama. So when you're babing that man, reminding him about every little thing, making sure he takes vitamins, scolding him for not getting enough sleep, you're kind of treating him just like a little tiny toddler and so and declare what happens next. He truly appreciate all that pampering at first. How every countryman, he's gonna rebel on you like a 12 year old boy who's not wearing a skateboard. Let me set it up Both of those thoughtful hearing gestures. Remind him to take his vitamins. What are you about the upcoming freeway exit school If he doesn't get enough sleep? Exactly, are you doing? Well, you're putting yourself right back down in the role of mama and gals. We're gonna put you bluntly. No man wants to get romantic and down and dirty with mama. So this will backfire on you faster than a Silverado truck going down that bumpy trial at Mississippi road.
Speaker 2:So Love it. What a great way to end. I love that and I have a lot of friends from the South and I love it, cause they say y'all, they invite everybody. It's like no one's left out. I love it. Linda, we just can't thank you enough for those of us that are so appreciative what you've done and supported lifesavers and the other horse rescues. We're all in this together. So I wanna thank you and for your wonderful book. Tell us the title again, and what we'll do is when we post this, we're gonna put it in the title in the description of the podcast that people can find you and also your website or any place else we can get the book. Please give me text, me all that and we'll make sure we put it in. But tell us the title again.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It's on Amazon and it's Dr Linda's comedy marriage boot camp.
Speaker 2:Okay, there, it is right there. Okay, excellent, excellent. Thank you so much for having me on your show, suzy. Oh, and you can take this podcast and we'll air it soon It'll be like next week and by all means, feel free to put the link on your website or anything like that so you can share it anywhere that you want. Fantastic, thank you so much. You're so welcome. Bless you, and, by the way, she's got three mustangs, three beautiful mustangs, and, if you want, we can use those pictures as well and let people know about these magnificent horses and why we're all so much in love with them. Okay, thank you, bless you. Oh, I should say one last thing be crazy well. That's the new podcast and the song is by Calvin Love and it's called Be your Best Self. So, everybody, until next time, be crazy well, do it. Crazy. Kento deutschen.