Have you ever wondered about how the stories we tell ourselves can shape our growth? Join me, Susie Landolphi, as I sit down with the incredibly perceptive Lela Grace to discuss the concept of rewriting our personal tales, emphasizing that our past conditioning does not have to determine our future path. It's a journey of self-discovery, a testament to the belief that we can indeed cultivate our evolution and grow beyond the stories we've inherited.
@lela_grace on Instagram
lelagracecoaching.com
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
Have you ever wondered about how the stories we tell ourselves can shape our growth? Join me, Susie Landolphi, as I sit down with the incredibly perceptive Lela Grace to discuss the concept of rewriting our personal tales, emphasizing that our past conditioning does not have to determine our future path. It's a journey of self-discovery, a testament to the belief that we can indeed cultivate our evolution and grow beyond the stories we've inherited.
@lela_grace on Instagram
lelagracecoaching.com
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
I'm Susie Landolfi and welcome to Be Crazy Well.
Speaker 1:Well, this is fun. Thanks for asking me.
Speaker 2:Well, you're welcome. I just start out this way, like I don't like. Where am I going? Hi, welcome to Be Crazy. Well, I'm here with Leila Grace. Leila Leila. There you go. I guess you know what. I'll tell you what ruined it. Leila Eric Clapton.
Speaker 1:Oh I know Every time.
Speaker 2:Everybody does that why didn't you call him and tell him I know, I know.
Speaker 1:Well, also my parents spell it. They took this. It used to be two eaves and they took out the second e.
Speaker 2:That was the other e Because I would have gone. I know, I know, I know. Yeah, how is it that we have no say about what we should be called it's?
Speaker 1:actually you're very right about that, Susie. It's kind of a wild. It's weighted, I know.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, you just had a daughter, and so you had to name her something instead of hey you, yeah, it's true. Right, you named her.
Speaker 1:Runa. Runa, I love it Runa Because of the runes. Do you know? Are you familiar with the like, the ancient runes?
Speaker 2:I am, yeah, those. It's like dominoes with meaning.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, oh, I love that.
Speaker 2:I love that. Real meaning Exactly.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so good. Oh, I'll tell Connor that he's going to love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, he knows that he's a little you know, a little off her rocker, I like a little crazy. Well, he loves you. He loves you for that, For him, because we and you. And first of all, how did he pick you? Because normally, because we have so many life lessons, we go pick somebody the opposite. And I do have to say, out of all the couples I've worked with, my own struggle with it, to pick somebody who actually has the same principles and way of being in the world and to look at the world. That's a new.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah, no, I appreciate that point. Oh, um, I I love that point, suzy, yeah, he, I don't. That's such an interesting question actually, that's such an interesting observation, like I think. It's oh, obviously to me. Lila was so obviously me when I met you and I started to get yeah. I was like whoa, how did they do that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's.
Speaker 1:I, I don't know. That's a really great question, like um.
Speaker 1:I think we're we are very Different in clearly in size, connor is massive and three people, yeah, like there's there's like some obvious, like you know, glaring things that make us so different that I think that that was like the attraction, and then I think that's a really interesting thing. I think that that was like the attraction and then, and then it was a surprise, it was like this unfolding surprise that we had so many similarities and have so many shared values and I think, honestly, a huge thing that you're making me realize just asking that question is we're both such voracious learners. That that's it. We are learning from one another and that's what you know. It's like he's taught me, he has informed my values. Yeah, you know he's taught me to have different values than I maybe originally had. Like he's so generous or you know, he's like so creative and these things that maybe were latent within me, but he elicited them, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah and uh, it's interesting when you have two people who want to know. So, lila, I say oftentimes there's two kinds of people in the world. We want to make it about race, gender and everything else, when actually it's just two things. You either want to know. You either want to know, keep learning. You don't know everything, you know, you don't know everything. You want to keep learning.
Speaker 2:And you're not afraid to say I don't know. And you're not to say, well, I really fucked that up. Now I got to go back and redo it because I didn't know what I was doing. Or you actually think you know, like you don't want to know, I already know, don't you know? Don't confuse me with facts. Don't tell me Uh, this is what I know. And I say that, out of all the differences, all the similarities that we need, that's the most glaring to me. No, you're not. You're going to own your shit. Get to know yourself and somebody else, or whether you're just going to fight and block that and block the other person. Um, and you said it perfectly. Like he brought out things in me, I wasn't even sure they were there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah, and I think that's important. So, first of all, let's do this, just because I jump right in, like I normally do, um, we should tell people who you are. They know that there at be crazy Well, so they know that you're crazy Well, or I wouldn't have asked you to be on here, oh, that you have that, um, and so I would like you to just introduce yourself and you know, uh, a little bit and what you're doing and what you do, and then we can tell a little bit about Conor. I'll get him on some other time, but I'll just say computer to put his big head.
Speaker 2:He's like okay. So, leela Grace, which I just love, your last name, or your name, your second name, we should call it a, or you just call it name. Tell us all about you. What do you do? Who? Yes, um, I am a coach.
Speaker 1:And, um, I work with people, uh, from all demographics and all ages, and I'm a coach, and I work with people from all demographics and all ages. Um, my focus as a coach is, um, around narrative, around story, and the way I describe it to people is um, we are, we humans are meaning makers. The way that we make meaning in life is through a story. It's like you know what, the way that our thoughts run in our minds is storytelling. We're telling ourselves stories about who we are, about what we believe, about other people, about the world, and it's just going on loop, right. I mean, we all have, like the monkey mind where we just have ongoing stories running through our minds constantly internally, but we're also making meaning externally through storytelling. So we're doing that, you know, and talk to you asking me who I am, and I'm telling you a story right now.
Speaker 1:Um, we do that in the news, like we're constantly. You know everything film, TV. You know all the stories we watch that are shows, um, books, it's. It's like that is, that is our superpower, right, and it's our greatest detriment too, because we don't always understand that we wield that power, we don't understand how influential it actually is, right? So when I work with people, my clients, I'm working with the internal storytelling, the self-limiting beliefs Um you know, the stories they've inherited through their families about who they are, who they should be. And I'm also working with people um in how they express themselves, the stories that they put out into the world right. And so oftentimes I'm starting um like going outside, in where I'm talking and I'm talking to someone and I'm- asking them okay, who do you believe you are?
Speaker 1:Who taught you that? Right? What do you believe about yourself? What do you believe about yourself? How was that conditioned into you? Right? And oftentimes they're going like whoa, I've got this like story about self-worth, you know, right? Um, where I just feel like I'm not good enough ever.
Speaker 2:Well, you just said the keyword. You just said the keyword, you said feel. I feel like I'm not, yeah, even though today I did some things that were very worthy.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, the story inside is about how I feel about myself, not actual fact about what I actually did today.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Yeah, yes, it's, and it's so. You know, it's so incongruent with the actual um experience a person is having having in their lives oftentimes, but the self-limited belief that story is dominant, right, so it's still overriding any other experience they're having.
Speaker 1:So we go, we do this work where we're going to outside in like that, where you know I'm asking you these questions to identify these poor wounds, and then we're excavating those, we're looking at those critically, bringing them to the surface, we're changing them, and that we change them through what I call either practical work and or deep work. The practical work is like the day to day behavioral stuff, right. And the deep work is like the big, profound, revelatory ahas, and we have both Right and so we're doing that and um, and then uh, usually I work with people long enough that they get to a place where they start doing this, the work inside out, right. So then they're going wow, I've made these huge transformations, I've changed my story internally and now I have something I wanted to share. Thank you, like. Now I feel ready to be expressive in the world and I know that I'm worthy and there's something I want to share.
Speaker 1:You know, whether it's publishing a book or it's some creative project, or it's Leaving a nine to five and becoming an entrepreneur, which is a huge one, I see where people are like. I was told I was supposed to be conventional and you know I'm Reserved and professional and buttoned up. So I became a lawyer. I hate it and All you know, there's several people in my family who are lawyers and they all hate their jobs. But that was what was modeled for me, right, and you know? And then we do all this work and all of a sudden they're realizing like I'm an artist and I want to leave my job and become, you know, a somatic practitioner and a painter and it's like how do we get there right?
Speaker 2:It's what you know, barefoot and like, yeah, so. So this idea you said the word practical and, and practical means practices. Something's practical because you do it, not you think it or feel it. Yes, practical that I eat, like I'm gonna go, practice of eating, so I'm gonna go eat. We had to learn how to even do that Right. So I'm gonna say something to you that I oftentimes say and with all that you post on social media which is magnificent of what it actually I believe is valuable, for Most of what we think about ourselves and feel about ourselves was either done to us or told to us.
Speaker 2:You are, yeah, you're at risk of doing to yourself and others what was done to you. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. These are all the way I was trained. So you talked about coaching. Coaching also be called a trainer. So if you go into sports, there's yeah, it's in trainers and they're oftentimes Mixed in.
Speaker 2:So what's interesting is parenting, is coaching and training. Mm-hmm, it's your first basic training and you might be trained to do something that actually doesn't fit you, doesn't work for you. Hopeful about the work you do is If I learned to that I, if I learned that I had to be a lawyer Because I really want to be an artist, but then, oh, you need something to fall back on because you know so already. I've been told that I'm gonna fail. Gonna Catch me because I work. Here's the good news about why it's so important to have people like you Going over our stories and checking them Mm-hmm is because you can relearn, you can train, you can be coached In something different, you can practice being different, and then you will actually be different, mm-hmm, Thinking and feeling different. I have to be honest. Yeah, leela, there's times that I still have some of those thoughts I have is that ten year old girl that was told Massive shit about myself from my father and every once in a while I and I go oh, there's that thought again, they're best.
Speaker 2:here's that feeling again. The difference is I don't act on it right. Right, sorry, it was his story from his Mm-hmm. So tell me how you help people actually do different to be different orders. So if I'm talking to you and I need you're coaching me, how do you Get me? Because I, you know, I'm gonna say to you well, I can't do that, or I don't know how to do that, or I'm not good at that. I mean a million reasons, or that scares me. How do you go from that Into trying something?
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally. So I actually love to use this, this metaphor that George R R Martin Uses, that he's the, you know, the creator of.
Speaker 2:Thrones.
Speaker 1:Game of Thrones exactly, and he talks about this for writers, but I love using it for anyone living a life too. So he talks about the architects and the gardeners, and the architects in writing are the people who have the blueprint for their book, right? So they, they see the whole story through to the end. They, they're already envisioning it. They have the blueprint and they're reverse engineering it and then they're sort of, you know, chipping away at the chapters, but they see the whole thing already, right, they've mapped it out, like some authors actually have like note cards where they're mapping out the entire thing, right?
Speaker 2:Amazing I've written two books and that's amazing to me.
Speaker 1:I guess I know I knew you had yeah, and so did you write like that? No, so I'll be curious if you did the other way, which is this? This, the Gardner way? Right, yeah, gardner is the person who plants the seed in the soil. They water it, they nurture the soil, they ensure that there's Sun you know, there's sunlight, that this little seedling is receiving, and they see how it goes, right, they. And so, as in the, in the world of writing, the way that that would look, the way that that would look, is You're writing chapter to chapter. You know you're writing the first chapter and you're going. What direction is this taking me? Okay, now I'm kind of seeing that it's gonna take me in this direction, and I'm gonna write chapter 2 about X, and I'm gonna write about why, and you just allow it to unfold Mm-hmm. So is that how you wrote? I'm curious.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna add something that I think you'll find really interesting, because some of us and I'm sure there's many yeah, I acted it out first before I wrote it.
Speaker 1:Oh, interesting that interesting.
Speaker 2:So I was on my healing journey and I was doing things, and then I was Sharing that information with audiences during the AIDS crisis. Yeah, oh, I'm talking about my journey, about taking care of myself and safer sex and and all that, and I was Performing the message, the metaphors Story. I was able to come up on stage and then I took all of that performance, that two-hour performance, and then I had to figure out how to put it into words, mm-hmm. So I was the gardener. I just was really on stage instead of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you were embodying it, I was embodying it. I had to do it first. I had. I couldn't write about something I was just thinking about. Yeah, I'm gonna write about something I experienced.
Speaker 1:That's, that's. I love that point.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So. So, using that, all of that imagery that we're just describing, when I'm talking about how to make change, with the clients and a client saying exactly what you just said, when they're saying, lila, I, you know, I intellectually understand what you're saying, it emotionally is affecting me to like I feel that impact but the anxiety and the trepidation and Fear I have and trying to actually make like there's so many blocks I don't know how to access that in actually physically change. And I talk about being the gardener. I talk about, like you know, you're the art we all, we all have the architect and gardener within us, like both right and so you might see the vision. The aha is like whoa, okay, the breakthrough here is I'm not my father.
Speaker 2:I'm not my mother.
Speaker 1:I'm not the story that they told me. I, you know, I'm not the narrative that I've been living by, right, but what am I then? There's like this bank, what do I do now? What do I do now? And that's where my story what exactly, exactly? And the way that you're building the new story is through, day by day change, right, it's practicing it in this like very that again, that again, say that again nice and slowly.
Speaker 1:so every time you hear it yes, so the way you make profound change is day by day, and in those day by day you are Thinking differently or acting differently. You're practicing. So a few different tools I teach. One is being the master observer of your thoughts. That's go, your observing your thoughts. You are Not your thoughts Right, you are the observer.
Speaker 2:Everybody thinks they are they just think that rain is the best thing in the world and it's Magnificent, and it's always right and it's so totally, and we can make computers and drive cars, so it must be amazing.
Speaker 1:I mean, you and I could have a whole separate conversation about that, because we live in such a highly intellectual society, right, and AI, all of these new. You know the rapid advancement of technology is mirroring our love affair with our intellect, right. But we have all these other faculties too. We have our feeling. You know our physical bodies and our sensations. We have our feelings and emotions, right, and I think you know this, this. I know I'm speaking to you, so this is probably safe to say it here, but we also have our spirituality, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh my god, yes, energy spiritual.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and and that's something that's like so edgy in this highly intellectual world but I actually think it's going to become clear and clear that that is A huge distinguishing factor between us and AI. You know, yeah, that's it Right, so okay. So all of these things like when we're talking about how do we make change day by day, we are tapping into these things. We're tapping into observing our thoughts and you know, your thoughts are going to be on repeat and they're usually kind of shitty and you're going to have to just be Capable of recognizing that and catching them. And sometimes you're going to change them, sometimes you're going to love up on them and go yep, there's that thought. Sometimes you're going to, sometimes you're not, sometimes you're not going to catch it, and you're going to be like, yep, I totally just behaved according to that thought. That's a different thing.
Speaker 2:That's deeply entrenched in my psyche right, and it went down from my head into my hands and then I punched somebody because I, yeah, totally totally, or.
Speaker 1:Or I picked up my skin again or I, you know, um honks my horn out of road rage, or I didn't make the phone call because I was terrified of being rejected, or whatever, right. But then you get back up and you do it again and you have the thought again and you have a different response to the thought and just the malleability of being able to, like, respond to a thought differently than how you have historically, even if it's not consistently different, but you're, you're capable of changing. That is Tremendous, right. But that's like so that. But then you know, we also, like, I'll talk with clients about observing their thoughts and making changes there.
Speaker 1:We talk about taking risks. That's a huge one. I talk about risk taking and how we all have a different tolerance for you know, risk tolerance or a threshold, and so how do you start nudging up against that and asking the person out that you're really scared to ask out and sent, feeling rejection if it does happen and being actually building resiliency there, right? Or the person says yes, and now you have to take another risk, which is you're gonna go on the date or whatever, right. So we work on that.
Speaker 1:I talk a lot about creativity, like sometimes it's working through something that's difficult, that's happened in someone's lives, and so they're practicing, you know, exploring that in a creative way. There's so many different ways that we you know that's what makes humans so amazing is like that the actual day by day that we're talking about, the actual practice or discipline, can look a million different ways for a person, right. So it's like we're talking about, as I get to know them and I'm sensing in, you know, my empathic self. I'm like sensing who they are and what they're drawn toward, what lights them up, what excites them, what makes them scared in a good way. Then I'm starting to custom tailor, like, okay, these are the practices that you're gonna embark on together, you know, and I'm gonna support you around.
Speaker 2:I can't even tell you how important the word practices to me, because most people understand there's a law practice, medical practice, yoga practice, we go to football practice, dance practice, you know, writing practice. I mean, we do that all the time and yet we don't think of our mental and emotional well-being as a practice. And so when there's people that come to me and this happens a lot of times like that's just the way I am, I go really Okay. So I don't think so, unless you grew up in some kind of a vacuum, I think you were, yeah, right. So to say that you weren't influenced before you even came out, it's science, it's just not true. Well, it's just genetics, and I go well, the trouble is we have, you know, different cells. Our entire body is different, all different cells every seven years, and genes are cells. So you might want to reconsider that you can actually change your genes too, that there's a whole. I won't be taller. No, I'm not going to think my way into taller. In fact I'm shrinking. But beside the point, I know that not only the brain synapse but my entire chemistry, my biology, can change with practices. Yeah, I've seen it, I've felt it, I know it. Not only that? How about the fact that I learned to speak and you learned to speak and now you have a daughter and you're teaching her all kinds of things and she's mimicking what you do? Well, sometimes I say to people they'll say well, you know, I'm bipolar and I go. Really, I said do you know, if you hang out with someone, you'll live with someone for a long period of time and they go up and down all the time emotionally that you could learn to do that and mimic it. So maybe you don't have bipolar, maybe you just are mimicking your mom or dad. That was up one minute and down the next and they went what I said yeah, you live with someone anxious. You can actually mimic being anxious. You can be trained.
Speaker 2:So when you talk about stories, some of it comes through just mimicking and living with somebody. I think people think story is words and tell the story. You can be told a story just by living in a situation. That's the story, the context of the story, those are the characters of the story and that's that idea of generational trauma and a historical trauma. And I think the work you're doing, lila, is the most important work because it takes us away from diagnosis. It takes us away from something's wrong with us to what happened to us and how did that affect us. Talk to me about how people are always many and I'll say always a lot always focusing on what's wrong with them, what's not working with them, what they need to change. Talk to me about how you handle this idea of some of the shit that they have is good and we don't want to get rid of it, that post-traumatic wisdom that Dr Perry talks about. How do you deal with that? How do you help them with that? Because I've seen some people not actually see their post-traumatic wisdom.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, so one way that I like to talk about it. First of all, I just want to say I love what you're saying about the bipolar example and the diagnosis. Right, because I just find that so provocative and compelling, because it's opening us up to lots of possibilities. Right, that these things, even if they are biological, right, even if you did do a brain scan and see something, that doesn't necessarily mean that it wasn't conditioned or learned. Right, like your body, if you're out of alignment physically, like, if you get an x-ray and you have a disc out of alignment, that's because of something you did, that's something that happened to your body that physically put it out of, but you weren't just born with a disc out of alignment for no reason. Like, there's usually a cause and an effect, right? Yes, and that's like everything has that. So I just love what you're saying about that.
Speaker 1:And to answer your question, I like to use nature as my example for this, my metaphor for this. So nature doesn't have PTSD. Like nature, if something happens in nature, like a trauma, which we call a natural disaster, right, right, so hurricane, you know, think about the fires that have happened in LA, right? Or the mudslides that were happening in Santa Barbara and the tsunamis, the list goes on. There are these things that happened that are, you know, ruptures in the world, right, serious trauma in the world. And the world it doesn't like not recover there's, no, it doesn't just stay in a place of death and tragedy and trauma.
Speaker 1:It not only recovers but oftentimes, you know, like the mycelia that was actually up in the Santa Monica mountains after those fires, I think that the statistic I don't remember the exact statistic, but I think it like quadrupled, you know it's, after, because the soil was rich from the ash, from the fire, and so then there was new flora and fauna, and then there were new mushrooms, and like, that's one example of many where, you know, something happens on the planet and it's traumatic, and then there's this post-traumatic growth. Yes, right, that happens after that. And humans have that same resiliency, like we are life, we are just one with the earth, right, we are not separate. So we have that same resiliency and that same potential. And what I think stops us from being able to access that is again these narratives that like, oh, something horrible has happened to me and it's formed me, it's shaped me Into this fixed way, right, and I am one with that experience, I am of that experience.
Speaker 2:That's the way I am. I'll never see any other way.
Speaker 1:That's it and it has happened to me, I have received this experience, and so now I am stuck here, right, and the truth of it is that these things happen and they actually reveal so much potential, right, but we have to be given the opportunity to see that.
Speaker 1:So, going back to, like, the gardener imagery I was presenting earlier, you know, like, in order for the seed to sprout, it does need the water, it does need the sunshine, it needs the nourishment, right, and so that's like that's true for all of us, right? So, even if we've had some really hard shit happen to us, if we have resources, if we have a loved one who's like you know what? I know you've been through that but I also see all of this goodness in you, or that thing that happened to you has informed, like, look at how creative you are and how resourceful you are because of that right. Look at, like, how that has colored your perception in these and you're more compassionate, or whatever it might be. And then, all of a sudden, there's this access point where you're like whoa, I actually that has informed my being in a way that is powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're so right because it will change. Then, if they see that they got some strength from it, some wisdom from it as well, and it's undeniable, it will be undeniable because they've also been conditioned to see the diagnosis. What's wrong with them? I am by whole. I am depressed, I am, I am. I am this idea of I am also wise, I'm also strong, I'm also creative, and when we are a witness to that, so oftentimes a coach, a trainer, is a witness, even a therapist to, yeah, well, I see this too and now I'm getting, like you said, a different story, different narrative about them.
Speaker 2:You can't unknow something and you can't deny somebody's experience. When I say to people no, this is the way I experience you, that's my experience. You can experience yourself the same way if you want. You can't change my experience of you. It's like a huge, big deal. It's like, whoa, wait a minute, you're not gonna see me as an asshole, because I think I am and I go, you can. Yeah, right, I don't happen to see you as an asshole, I don't experience you that way at all. Right, totally, totally. As I shake up, it's that whoa, what just happened? I tried really hard to be an asshole and you don't see it. Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah. I see your fear and sadness, but I don't see you as an asshole and I don't want people to think that we don't honor the fact that there are genetic things.
Speaker 2:You know, I have a nephew that was born with some, what I would say, struggles with brain development. So he only made it to like six or five years old, and now he's 54. And yet he's the most mentally well person in the family. Wow, and girls are a lot better off than so. He is honest, he's consistent, he's a character. He knows when something's dangerous and he never puts anybody down. He doesn't ever say anything bad about anybody, right, and yet we're gonna call him developmentally, you know, to say blade, whatever, and yet he can do things that those of us that are so well with these very functioning braids can't do. Yeah, we are held hostage.
Speaker 2:That he's not Right, right, and so I think that that's part of the issue I have, too, with how we look at how we create our life, how we can create a life and why it is that it's so hard when somebody only wants to believe their thoughts and feelings Right, and getting people to do something different and still have those thoughts and feelings. If you want, let's go do something different. It's like going through the body up to the mind, which is for me than it is to just talk about something. It's why therapy oftentimes doesn't work in a way that I think coaching does. And I wanted to ask you, from what I can tell and I've been doing mental health coaching now for a while I am a licensed therapist and I'm very clear when you work with me, I'm not doing therapy.
Speaker 2:Here's like there's all these paragraphs you have to click and say, okay, you can go to someone's house, when I can go out to dinner with them, when I can go for a run with them, when I can go do them, when I can bring them up with the horses. Shit happened so fast. It's so much easier. I don't want you living in my office, not that I even have one. What do you mean, I want to come to your house. What's going on in your home that we can work on better? Talk to me about why coaching for you. What is it that coaching brings to you and you're able to do that, say, being a quote. Unquote therapist doesn't.
Speaker 1:The one of the biggest things for me is nuance and living in the gray, not the black and white. Got it? I got a bunch for you. Yes, I know you're a beautiful gray hair, so even what we were just talking about and you were giving the example of your nephew right, it's not as black and white, as one person is this way and another person is that way and one person has this detriment and therefore they are categorized in this particular category and they're limited or they're insufficient or they're less than. Because of that, the reason I love coaching is it lives in that nuanced place and so there's a lot of freedom there, right, like I have. Because of that, it's super important that I work with. I have a lot of integrity and I check myself and I ensure that people check me about that that I'm like working in alignment with my integrity and I'm making choices that are thoughtful and caring, and if I'm working with someone and being honest and transparent and clear and all the same.
Speaker 1:You can still be ethical as a coach.
Speaker 2:You don't need the laws to totally. And that some therapists aren't and some coaches aren't, I get it Absolutely absolutely, and that's really the thing with therapy.
Speaker 1:I thought I deeply considered becoming a therapist and I was looking at a few different schools and applying to master's degrees and the thing that deterred me from it, Suzy, was how rigid it could be and that there was some pretty archaic language that was used in some of the curriculum, too that it needs an update.
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:And I know amazing therapists and I know you're an amazing and have been an amazing therapist, so I have such reverence for therapists. I have a therapist, I love therapy, but for me personally, being a coach meant that I would have to like the onus would be on me and I'd be choosing the trainings. I would be choosing what I let in and I would have to practice. Back to practice. I would have to practice being in integrity all the time, because I wouldn't have an outside you know legislate, I wouldn't have anything that would be holding me accountable about myself.
Speaker 2:Which is what we all want everybody to be able to do, right? Yes, that people could hold themselves accountable. And I think what you're saying, too, is two things that are very clear to me about the medical model. I can tell you the quit smoking, quit drinking and lose 100 pounds. And I can go home, smoke a carton of cigarettes, drink a gallon of wine and eat a whole frigging cheesecake myself. Yes, the medical model is not the hypocritical, it's the hypocritical oath. Yes, that's okay. Like you know, my heart doctor, when I have blood high blood pressure, in the same medicine goes how come your blood pressure keeps going down? And I said because you won't do what I do, you're just taking the pills, right, actually doing the things to help heal. And I think the second thing I want to say is up until 1973, if you were gay, you were in the diagnostic manual, which is how we give people diagnoses. We have to look at the symptoms and then diagnose people, so the insurance will pay for your healing. And up until 1973, if you were gay, you had a mental illness. Wow, it was in the diagnostic manual. Okay, two and a half, almost three years ago, the APA, the American Psychological Association, went on Instagram and apologized for supporting systemic racism. Wow, don't be telling me that those rigid structures and the laws and the ethics have kept people safe from unsafe therapists when, in fact, the entire medical model and the entire therapeutic model has done some very hurtful things. So there's that as well.
Speaker 2:The only reason why I did get licensed was because I wanted to change that. I wanted to call us out, I wanted to call the medical model out. I want us to know that I have no business telling you what to do if I haven't done it or I'm not doing it. I just don't. I just that. Talk about integrity, right, it is everything, and I'm happy to see that. And I still work in one area where I use my license and I'm happy to report that it's getting a little better at times.
Speaker 2:But remember, the coaching is between you and I, between you and somebody else, and that deal you can make, right, you're allowed to make any deal you want for compensation. That doesn't happen all the time when insurance is involved. And now the insurance people get to tell me what I can do and what I can't do, and what they'll pay for for this person and what they want. So I have no say. They have no say. Oh well, how did this just happen that we're dealing with one another and helping one another, but now I've got to listen to the insurance company about what it is we can do and how often and how much I can't do unethical to me.
Speaker 1:It comes back to what we've talked about originally regarding story, because everything is subjective, including our laws and including every system right Our political system, our legal system, our medical system, like you were talking about. So it's not that I'm saying these things are inherently bad. We need systems and stories to function.
Speaker 2:And you can balance it as well on some laws. I get it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. That's how a society functions, right. But I think it behooves us to question these things and interrogate them and get curious about them, like you talked about, susie. It doesn't mean that we again it's not black and white thinking, it's not saying this is bad. We should have no laws. The medical model is broken and horrible. If I have some acute problem, visit me. I am so grateful that I get to go to a doctor.
Speaker 2:My arm falls off. I want a doctor to sew it back up, absolutely.
Speaker 1:If I cut myself and eat stitches, I am going to a doctor. But there are also these things where if I'm having, if there's something I'm working on in life and I see it as this really important project that might be deeply personal or professional, or if I have some sort of obstacle and I'm trying to understand why I have this obstacle, then I'm likely going to hire a coach. So thank God, there are also people who kind of custom tailor what they do to my needs exactly. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Right. Right, because and it's the idea too that, okay, if somebody can and deserves and they will truly help some pharmacology in terms of their mental health, I get it, and they would develop in order to help lessen symptoms so that the healing work could stop it. So if I'm so depressed and I can't get off the couch, then I might get a lift from some well butrin and then I can start to do the work in order to change. And I so I appreciate that and I'm with you 100%. When my grandson had leukemia, we weren't just giving him the herbs, that and great food, which we did believe in. Sometimes he couldn't even eat fresh fruit because he had no immune system. But I will tell you, lila, playing baseball was one of the best healing for him, even when he was bald and thrown up in the trash, can that? Being able to go and play baseball also was healing. So I want to talk to you about this idea that coaching and therapy can coexist and support one another.
Speaker 1:Yes 100%.
Speaker 2:We got to understand that there should be a spectrum and an array of ways to architect and garden.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I'm excited about that. And the last thing I want to talk to you about is this idea of when I first got I was just talking about this today we had Mexican food during our clinical meeting today and one of the young women young therapist next to me said oh, isn't this food great? And I went you know, I believe you. I believe you that you know and I said I don't like Mexican food. Now everybody's that this could be hard. I may lose all kinds of listeners just because I said that I'm from New England. I was 42 when we had the first Mexican restaurant open up near my home.
Speaker 1:And we all went wild, that's wild.
Speaker 2:Also, this is good. I said I like the guacamole, but I didn't like cilantro. Like, all of a sudden, I'm eating this green thing and I love almost everything green I go no, I'm not big on that. So not my favorite food, not comfort food for me, not something I ever grew up with. All right. So I tell you all this because I think the other issue that we have is, even if you are diagnosed and I'm diagnosed with depression, that doesn't tell me any of the story which you will get right to. And here's my issue.
Speaker 2:When I did learn about Mexican food, I realized that salsa was mild, moderate and severe Symptoms. We want to call them that I like to call them. The effects of what happened to us can be mild, moderate and severe. Why have OCD? From my childhood trauma and I wanted to organize everything you know get because my life was okay. I got it because, a kid, I want to clean everything and I thought that would help keep everything together. It was severe. It's now down to moderate, mostly mild. Now, what's good about that? Everybody wants me to come to their party because I'll help clean up. Everybody wants me to stay in their restroom because I leave it better than what I found it, but it doesn't interfere with the joy of my life. That's my thing. It doesn't interfere with the joy of my life. I'm not going to sacrifice my joy anymore because I can clean later.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm excited about is this idea that not every symptom is bad and it's not the same for everybody. Our chemistry is different, how we got it is different and the severity is different. We can keep some of it. I like what. I'm cranky sometimes. It's good for me, right, it's me going.
Speaker 1:Yes, this observation you're making and this wisdom you are sharing is, first of all, I can relate very personally to this because I have the exact same thing. It's OCD for me too. I had it worse when I was younger. There were times where it would interfere. I think the way you just put it is so perfect, because you articulated it well, that it is about when it's interfering with something Right that you go all right. This is actually a detriment. I always talk about how there's a spectrum Right. It's like my clients who have ADD, adhd and ADD which I find really interesting oftentimes is kind of like I can see at the opposite of OCD, some people can have both too. It's not that they are mutually exclusive, it's just that they do this dance right. Attention deficit and obsessive, compulsive do a dance Right. Dance is like they kind of can show up in these very contrary ways.
Speaker 1:For me personally, I would totally do many of the things you described. Growing up, I would clean obsessively. I didn't have very much of the things that you might necessarily do exposure therapy for, where I would tap on the door a certain amount of times. It was more just cleaning. It was like I need everything to be pristine and organization pristine lots of perfectionism. I worked on it. I had a therapist and my therapist was amazing. That was a really appropriate thing for me to have a therapist for personally, but I also have had a coach over the last several years. The coach has seen that as a superpower, one of my superpowers. It's been like, oh Lila, when you tap into that and you use that for being really thorough with a client, where it shows up and all of a sudden it's incredibly helpful when we're talking about the like instead of black and white thinking. Having this gray well, having that mind, that way that I think where I can go, hmm, I can see things in five different ways instead of one. Right that, the detail oriented way of thinking that comes from that is all the same. It's all the same, it's just which side of it am I on? So I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1:And then I'll just share a story of a client of mine who has pretty intense ADHD and for her her superpower is brilliant creativity, like oh my God, like. She can make music. She can cook Like I've never seen anyone cook. She has an amazing, thriving business as a personal chef. She's an artist and she can like multitask and do all these things simultaneously. When it starts to get detrimental is when she's doing that and it's overwhelming, and it's exhausting and she's you know, by the end of the day she's like I need to just go under the covers and hide, you know, but when she is, she's in balance and she's well and she has all the things.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it was medication, but other times it's just, you know, nurturing, food and good community and support and a coach, and she's not a therapist all those things. When she's in balance, then all of that actually turns into her shining, you know. So I just love everything you said about that.
Speaker 2:You know, the thing that I think I'm so grateful that I'm able to do, partly because I had to do my own work I had to crash and burn People don't? They always talk about the story of the Phoenix, but they always leave out the fact that the Phoenix builds the funeral pyre. It gets all the sticks and builds it because it knows it's going to put itself on in order to burn up, to be reborn. So that's a great metaphor. If you think about it, I know I'm going to go clean all that shit out about me and redo and redo. Yes, I love that. Yeah, I do too. I think that's an amazing experience that we can do for one another.
Speaker 2:One of the greatest experiences I've had being part of a team meaning I'm working with, so we're on the same team is being an ally and a witness. I got to sit with this young man today and I said you know, I've now done all of these sessions with you and your family, with your mom and dad, and I see what you went through. I see it, it was real. They struggle, they have trauma and it was really hard on you to go through that. It still is, and I see it, and so I want you to know that you're my focus. I'm not here to change to 70-year-old people or even give you hope that they will.
Speaker 2:What I am here is an ally for you. You're my focus, you're my. You know that's what I care about and I'm a witness. I saw it, it's real. He stood up and hugged me. He says no one, he's 42 years old. No one has ever said that to me or ever done that for me. Suzy Beautiful, and it's sometimes that simple, sometimes Right, because now he it's like we help change the story, and sometimes the story is that they are held hostage by that story and sometimes all I'm doing is I'm just unlocking the chains. They still have to take them off, they still have to walk out of the cell, they still have to go create the new life. But the fact is I see it. I see that what's happened to you is see how it's affected you. It's real and I'm here to help if you want.
Speaker 1:I mean, you're providing him an access point, right, that's right, providing him an opening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's like a portal that they can walk out of. You know.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, and that portal is like the, because you are acknowledging his experience, right, and he's feeling witnessed and seen and heard. All of a sudden he's somebody, all of a sudden he matters, right, and all of a sudden he's separate from the context that you did witness.
Speaker 2:That's right, that's exactly right. It's that idea that, okay, we just I read that book with you. I saw it. I read the story. Yes, and it's real. It's real Right, it's real Right. You can go if you want. Let's go write a new story, mm-hmm. So yeah, lila, I can't thank you enough. I and, of course, today you would post something, today, somebody's book Insight, something I don't want to see it.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know if I can still pull it up. Oh, here we go, here we go. So today you posted Insight Cure Everybody, we're going to put it in the bio in when we post this Lila Grace. So it's L E, l, a underscore Grace, and, as you've seen, she has plenty of it, and it's called Right Cure Change your story, transform your life. It's by John Sharp, and so you and I just want to read a couple of things that you posted, so you don't always have to write good shit, you can just know when to post it. Right, hmm, said, what misconceptions from childhood is still defining you now as an adult? Would you be able to come up with an answer? It's a tough question. Absolutely. And the other thing that you posted, the event itself, is different from how you changed because of it having happened. Your perception of the event and how it changed your behavior and sense of self are the issues at hand that are still causing problems for you now as an adult. So what is the big lie?
Speaker 1:Yeah, the big lie right, the big, totally yes. What is the big lie? What is the big lie, right? Yeah, what's the big lie? Exactly the big lie, which is and another way to put it is what's your core wound? That's it. What's your false truth? That's it Right. What's the thing you're carrying that you? That's just actually not true. That's that's dictating so many ways that you're living your life, so many choices you're making, so many thoughts you have about who you are.
Speaker 2:Yeah Right, I. Oftentimes, when I say you know if you were raised by a dictator, I spell that DICK T-I-S-L-R Right. So, you can be some dictator Like you can take on the role of the perpetrator. You are really doing to yourself and others what was done to you, and I know it was. I'll never be like my mom or dad. Yeah, you will if you're not careful you have that oh yeah, yeah, and we have you come back.
Speaker 2:We should do this like once a month, yeah, bringing up things that you want to share with us. I am I'm perfectly comfortable saying this because it's true, lila there are very few people that inspire me, that teach me that I look to and I go oh, the world is safe Because I'm old. We're going to change this mental health movement. We're going to change it. We're going to really start to make sure that it changes, because at one time, we used to drill holes in people's head. That was modern psychology, to let the. So this idea that we need a mental health movement and an evolution is very clear to me, and I'm always be looking for the amazing wisdom keepers, the young wisdom keepers. I call you an EIT, and an EIT is an elder in training.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that.
Speaker 2:That's what you are.
Speaker 1:That's what a compliment coming from you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, and the next time I'm going to get Connor on to it, I like. I think that everybody has to see what you deal with.
Speaker 1:I know that when he was little.
Speaker 2:I remember when he was almost my size, which is unbelievable to think of considering how big he is right now.
Speaker 1:So we would both love to come on. I know he would love that and I would love to be back for sure. Excellent, and I want to come by and see that baby. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Are you back in LA right now? We're in the Bay area right now.
Speaker 1:We'll be back in LA in the spring. Okay, great.
Speaker 2:So then I'll come up with this wonderful, wonderful yes.
Speaker 1:We'll let you know. We'll be there in March or April. Oh wonderful, yeah, bless you, bless you. Thank you too, suzy. Thank you so much. Oh, you're so welcome.
Speaker 2:Everybody be crazy. Well, be crazy. Well, like Lila, do that for yourself. Change your story. And our theme song, lila, is called Be your Best Self by Calvin Love, so when we post this, you'll be able to hear it. He just wrote and he gave me that song to use. I'm so beautiful. Okay.
Speaker 1:Can't wait to hear it. Bless you All. Right, everybody. See you soon. Bye, Suzy. Love yourself in love. I'm talking about what they do. That's probably why they hate you. Your best self. Love yourself in love. I'm talking about what they do. That's probably why they hate you.