Who are you arguing with? Maybe not the person in front of you. For most of us Trauma argues with trauma.
Our real human nature is love, mental clarity, creativity, and a zest for life that is informed by the past but no longer weighed down or controlled by it. Conflict worsens when two people fall into defensive reactions. Then there is no real communication happening, only trauma arguing with trauma. ~ Young Pueblo
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
Who are you arguing with? Maybe not the person in front of you. For most of us Trauma argues with trauma.
Our real human nature is love, mental clarity, creativity, and a zest for life that is informed by the past but no longer weighed down or controlled by it. Conflict worsens when two people fall into defensive reactions. Then there is no real communication happening, only trauma arguing with trauma. ~ Young Pueblo
Music credit to Kalvin Love for the podcast’s theme song “Bee Your Best Self”
Tune into our CHW Streaming Radio and the full lineup at cominghomewell.com
Download on Apple Play and Google Play
Online-Therapy.com ~ Life Changing Therapy Click here for a 20% discount on your first month.
Contact Suzi at suzigma@gmail.com or (818) 470-2013 and share your story.
suzilandolphi.com
vetsandplayers.org
wildhorserescue.org
Thank you for listening! Be sure to SHARE, LIKE and leave us a REVIEW!
I'm Susie Landolfi and welcome to Be Crazy. Well, take a deep breath with me. Come on, it's tough out there. You deserve to take a breath. Not only am I taking a breath, I'm drinking a cup of PG tips. I have to tell you a story about this. So PG tips are these pyramid shaped tea bags from England. Hang on, I need a sip, oh my God.
Speaker 1:And I don't have an eating disorder. I have an eating order, and when I order things, that means I'm putting them in order of something that helps calm me, and I did that as a kid in a very chaotic family. So I found that if I drink tea first thing in the morning especially PG tips no, it has to be PG tips and I put two teaspoons of raw sugar and some half and half. Now people say did you put a little bit of lemon and honey in your tea? Well, yeah, you can do that too. I don't do that. Hang on another sip. I put the sugar and green in my tea and I love it. And it lets me know that at least one time today, one time today, I'm going to get what I need and what I want. There may not be another time for that to happen today, today, right now, I have it, I travel with them, I carry them with me, these PG tips.
Speaker 1:So I'm in Graceland with my daughter and my grandson and he's so little, we're still carrying him in the little baby sack thing that you carry, and we're early, it hasn't opened up yet and it's outside of Memphis, so it's in the country and there's nothing around us except a diner across the street. Now, this was a long time ago, this is more than 18 years ago, and my daughter and I are PG tip drinkers and we already had it in the morning, or we didn't bring him that time, I don't really remember. I just know we were drinking it and had it at the house. We sit down in the diner and I'm looking to say, oh, I just want some toast with butter. That's sort of the second thing I eat. That's the order. And then I have coffee. Anyway, I sit down and I look at the plastic covered menu that's got ketchup on it and there's one waitress there and I look in and it says coffee, juice, tea, pg tips. And I'm like what? Now this is not even a fancy diner. I mean, this is like just basics at the best, with ketchup on the menu and the waitress comes over and she says you know, y'all can't take your order.
Speaker 1:And I said I need to ask you a question. I love tea and you happened to have my favorite tea here out here at Graceland called PG tips. Why do you have PG tips on your menu? And this is what I hear. Well, you know these people from England, they just love Elvis, that's right, they love Elvis and they come over here all the time waiting for Graceland open and they go. You got any PG tips? And I say Woody Woods, pg tips. And they said, well, that's the best tea in the world. And so we just got some PG tips because they said, you know, they just love Elvis. So we got them their PG tips. I swear to God, that's what I heard. So here I am still drinking my PG tips and thank goodness that the English just love Elvis.
Speaker 1:I want to read you something. If you don't know this author, I really suggest you get his books, any of his books, I don't even have to tell you which one to get. His name is Yong. Why you NG Yong Pueblo? Now it sounds Asian first name, spanish second name, and I believe that's exactly his combination of nationality. Anyway, somebody gave me one of his books and in the 70s we're all reading Khalil Gabran another great prophet, poet, inspirator, I call them and Khalil Gabran wrote a great book called the Prophet and he wrote about being a parent, marriage. I mean, you can just read it in a day. It's actually free on the internet now. So download a copy of the Prophet and he writes as if he's talking to a prophet giving him wisdom. And I feel like Yong is one of those. This generations the prophet, and he just has such great wisdom and the way that he expresses it. And I just want you to listen about this.
Speaker 1:Conflict worsens when two people fall into defensive reactions. Then there is no real communication happening, only trauma, arguing with trauma. I'm going to read that again. Conflict worsens when two people fall into defensive reactions. Then there is no real communication happening, only trauma, arguing with trauma. Wow, drama, arguing with trauma. That's been much of my younger life.
Speaker 1:First, the trauma, and then, when I got into my young adulthood, all I did was argue with trauma, either with myself or with others. I was as defensive a human being, when I look back, as any human being I've ever met. As a child I lived in a war zone and the people who were supposed to protect me were actually the enemy. They were the perpetrators. They were the ones that I had to protect myself from. So when I went out into the world and tried to have relationships any kind I don't care if it's making a deposit at the bank, I don't care if it was in the grocery store, I don't care if it was with a lover or friend or coworker I walked in defensiveness. I was always waiting for the perpetrator. I was always looking for the perpetrator. Now, not consciously, I thought I was walking around. I'm the funniest, most upbeat, optimistic person there is.
Speaker 1:My presentation was definitely that the trouble is underneath. That was the trauma, waiting to argue with the other trauma. Little did I know. I mean, I've never even heard anybody say it that way and it's so clear. I do know, and I did realize when I started to do my healing work, that the arguments I'm having with most people are arguments that I wasn't able to have when I was a child. I was talking to someone yesterday about that and I said you didn't have a voice, you couldn't have a voice. Don't talk back to me, my God. How many times do we say that and hear that, don't talk back. In other words, don't tell me your feelings, don't give me your reasoning, don't share your thoughts and experiences, don't talk back to me. So the question is do you know who you're talking to? Yeah, I'm talking to you right now. No, maybe not. I'm talking to my wife and she doesn't listen. I'm talking to my husband and he doesn't listen. I'm talking to my kids and they don't listen. They just argue. I'm thinking, wow, it's already started. It's already started when we start arguing with our kids and then we tell them don't talk back, so then we send them off into the world and they're going to find millions of people that their trauma can argue with other trauma. It's everywhere.
Speaker 1:A dear friend of mine, michael Collier if you don't know him you should look him up. Collier is COYLAR. He's been a comedian for I don't know 30, almost 40 years. He's amazing. He's got a morning show that I love going on and it's streaming so you can look it up and stream it.
Speaker 1:And he was telling me a story the other day about walking up to the counter of a Dunkin' Donuts and, as he and I agree, it's the best coffee. I'm sorry, I'm just going to say it straight out it's the people's coffee, right? So he was going to order a cup of coffee and he said could I have a small? And the woman behind the counter said we don't have small, we just have two sizes medium and large. And of course, being a comedian and being as quick as he is, he said well, you can't have small if there's only two sizes, because you can't have medium and large if you don't have a small. The medium is the small. And he was trying to have a funny moment. She wasn't having it and she got really defensive and actually he said, when he looked back and he walked up to the counter, he could feel and see her defensiveness and she started to argue with him. And he said I started to argue they're arguing over the size of a cup of coffee. I mean, that's what appears right. If that's what you saw you saw that scene in a movie you'd go what they're arguing over coffee. And no, they weren't. Neither one was arguing over the size of coffee.
Speaker 1:Most of them were arguing to finally be heard, to be asked how you're doing, to find out what happened before the coffee, before work, before walking up to the Dunkin' Donuts, and what happened when someone said we don't have small, we only have medium and large. And what she wanted was someone to say, ok, that's OK, I'll take a medium. And at that moment, when we were talking about it, michael and I, I realized all she wanted was to be acknowledged that what she said was OK, how she said it, and all Michael wanted was to be acknowledged. For her to say, oh, that's a good thought. Yeah, how can we have medium and large if we don't have a small? Each of them were looking to be heard and acknowledged, and then maybe a conversation would have been had about sizes and what they do and what their day is going to be like and everything else. But that walking around in a defensive mode just asks us to find the other trauma. Who am I going to argue with today? Where can I find another moment in my life where I can defend myself? And I thought, wow, I am, I still have that in me, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:And as I like to tell everybody, the effects of our trauma are like salsa, and I didn't have Mexican food. The first time I had it, I was 42 years old. In New England, in Manchester, massachusetts, they finally opened a Mexican restaurant within a 20 or 30 mile radius of my home. And so 1942, when I I'm sorry, 1942, I sometimes I feel like I was born in 1942. Well, I was born in 1950, so it's close In. When I was 42, that would have been 1982. Is that right? 70, I can't remember, can't do it, I haven't had enough of my PG tips. Anyway, I was either 32 or 42. And I remember that there were all these salsas and I didn't know the difference, and I dipped into one and it was so hot and the waitress said wait, wait, wait, there's mild, and then there's less mild, a moderate and really hot. And I thought, well, that's pretty cool. And now I think that every effect of everything is like salsa mild, moderate and severe.
Speaker 1:And when I was younger and before I started my healing, my defensiveness was severe. It was always activated, it was always ready, and I was actually searching to have those arguments again to defend myself in hopes of winning. I don't know what I wanted to win. I would assume that I wanted to be validated. And the trouble with validation is it's kind of like something you eat and it never really fills you up and you eat some more of it and it still doesn't fill you up. It's kind of like that bottomless pit syndrome, and part of what I had to work on was lessening the effects of my trauma so that I didn't walk around always defensive.
Speaker 1:We have a word of a combat veterans we often call it hypervigilance like you're very vigilant and overly vigilant about the threat that's around you, and that's what I was. The trouble was, I was a threat too to someone else's trauma, and so I just wanted to share this with you today about how we walk around. Do we really know who we're talking to? Do we really know ourselves and how defensive we are? The other thing about being defensive it's a wall. It's a way to protect yourself as you're trying to fight or win to somebody else, which is very hard to do. It's like every fight you see in any kind of movie where someone's hiding behind a wall and sneaking around and trying to shoot behind a wall, and I thought, wow, what a way to live. I don't see everything, I don't hear everything clearly and I'm never really vulnerable. I think I'm not, but of course the joke is I'm really vulnerable because I'm always looking and maybe I'm even attracting the other trauma I'm probably helping to bring out theirs as well as walking around with mine.
Speaker 1:People use the word trigger all the time and thanks to all you great veterans, I actually started shooting guns when I started to work with veterans and I noticed something. First of all, I noticed because I played baseball I have very good eye hand coordination, so I'm a good shot. What I really noticed was there's two ends to the gun. It seems kind of, you know, pedantic, but there are. So there's the barrel and the butt and obviously if you pick it up by the barrel you can't put your finger on the trigger, so you have to turn it around and hold it by the butt and then you can put your finger on the trigger.
Speaker 1:And I was thinking about how people say all the time, oh, I got so triggered or it triggered me. And I realized I said, wait, a minute. Isn't being defensive like getting up in the morning and getting dressed and picking up your gun, your trauma gun, and putting it in your hand as you go about your day? And if you're holding it by the butt and that trauma is still in you, you haven't talked about it, you haven't dealt with it, you haven't helped to heal it. It's now severe. You are defensive, you're holding the trauma gun and at any moment someone can say we don't have small, we just have medium and large. And you've got your finger on that trigger. And then I thought, well, wait a minute, I suppose we could teach people to take their finger off the trigger. But you're still holding the gun, the trauma gun is still in your hand.
Speaker 1:I decided I was going to put the gun down. I was going to not bring it with me, I was going to leave it at home. I was going to leave it in places that were safe places. I could go back and revisit in case I wanted to learn more about what happened to me and how it affected me, but there would be no way I could get my finger on the trigger. It was sort of a remarkable revelation for me that I don't have to walk around looking for or trying to protect myself or my trauma.
Speaker 1:You know, he also said you're your own hero, you're your own healer and you're your own. I forget the third thing he said so healer, hero and leader. I said somebody yesterday go listen, the cavalry's not coming. It's not coming, you're here and you're going to have to be the one that's going to help heal you. You're the one that's going to have to lead you out of this darkness. People can support you, be near you, check on you.
Speaker 1:The fact remains is we're the ones that have to do the work for our own healing. We're the ones that now get to say I am going to talk to you, I am going to talk to somebody else, I am going to share my story, I am going to look at the effects of my trauma, I am going to understand that it's in the severe mode and I want to move it to moderate and then I want to move it back down to mild. That's what I want. I can never forget what happened to me. I'll never be able to not be at least mildly defensive at times, and and I not only mildly, there's sometimes I'm not defensive at all. And being mildly defensive at times I can manage. I can breathe through that. I can let the other person talk and not have to correct them. I can let the other person, you know, come at me with their trauma and, much like how I've learned in boxing, I'm Bob and weave, I can slip. It's not about me. They're not even arguing with me.
Speaker 1:I have this wonderful young couple that I'm working with and we had this whole discussion and each of them came from really lots of trauma in their childhood, in their family of origins, and now they're arguing. They have two kids and now they're arguing and what we uncovered was they're not arguing with each other. They're having arguments that they wanted to have when they were a child, when they wanted to be heard, when they wanted to say to the parents you're wrong, I'm not a liar, I'm not this, I'm not lazy. I need more. I want, I want to be cared for more. I need more help. I need to be hugged more. Stop yelling at me. And it was amazing when they found out that they actually can be with each other and listen and help one another get their trauma down to mild, that actually they're on the same side.
Speaker 1:So that's all I wanted to share with you today and, of course, I wanted to share my PG tips. Oh, I can't. I like. Every time I drink it, I'm like oh, I'm so grateful, I'm so grateful. Pg tips call me, I'll give you a plug. Every time I do a podcast, I didn't even tell you who I am. I'm going to figure. You probably already know that so you know who you're listening to and not having an argument with.
Speaker 1:I'm Suzy Landolfi and this is Be Crazy. Well, I'm really proud of that to that title. I don't think we're actually crazy enough sometimes. Crazy to be well, crazy to understand, crazy to be adventurous, crazy to change, and I love this. I love this opportunity to talk to you, to share. The only thing I wish more is I still have to find out more about streaming and having you involved in the conversation. I'm going to look into that. I'm going to see more about how I can do more live or more interactive. Maybe what we do is a Zoom where I allow people to come in the room and we have conversations. I'm going to do that. I got to go. Think about that. I'm going to drink some more PG tips, then I'm having my toast with real butter and then I have my coffee. By the way, it's Dunkin' Donuts Cream and sugar. You know, be your Best Self. That's our theme song from Calvin Love. Look him up on the internet. He's a terrific, great songwriter and until next time, be crazy well.