Didn't Ask to be a Hero Podcast: Ordinary Women Living Extraordinary Lives
Didn't Ask to be a Hero Podcast: Ordinary Women Living Extraordinary Lives
S4E3: Honoring Mother: Ruth Cowles Shares Her Story of Providing Care with Grace, Love, and a Whole Lot of God
In this episode, we delve into the emotional and practical challenges of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease. More than educational, Ruth Cowles shares her caregiver story highlighting the resilience, joy, the power of love & deeper relational connections made during one of the most challenging times her family had ever faced. Ruth share invaluable insights on how to navigate this difficult journey and discusses strategies for maintaining patience, and managing the daily tasks that become more complex as the disease progresses.
Whether you're a caregiver, family member, or simply seeking to understand the experience, this episode offers hope and guidance. So, tune and be encouraged.
You can read Ruth's book Bringing Mother Home on Amazon. You can also visit her website for more information and resources.
And here are some resources for caregivers:
Resources for Caregivers of Persons with Alzheimer's
And as always, Annie and I would love to hear from you. How are you aging gracefully? What's on your bucket list? Please share your story with us on IG @davenialeawrites, or on FB @annieraney.
Finally, your reviews mean the world to us, and they also assist us in spreading God's message of hope and victory across the globe! So please leave us a review on your favorite podcast player or on our Podcast Webpage
Tell us what you think of this episode and we'd also love to hear your story!
Today's episode song is The Goodness of God by CeCe Winans. Please note this song is for your listening enjoyment only and cannot be downloaded or shared.
Thanks for listening! From our hearts to yours!!
Annie: Welcome to the Didn't Ask to Be a Hero podcast. I'm your host, Annie Raney. In each episode, we will get an opportunity to see how ordinary women are now living amazing, abundant and extraordinary lives with God's help.
May their stories serve to encourage and inspire you. Let's get started.
Hello, listeners, and welcome to today's episode.
You know, this is going to be a very interesting episode that I think many of you, if not all of you, can relate to. I know Divinia and I can relate to this.
You know, if we look at,
at the world today, there are many of us who are taking care of our parents as they. As they age. And in fact, some people, they're doing. They're the sandwich generation where they're doing both.
They're taking care of elderly parents and also still taking care of their kids. Maybe that's you out there. Today we are so excited to have a special guest where we're going to get to talk more about this topic.
So, Divinia, hi and welcome. And can you introduce our guest today?
Davenia: Yes.
Ruth: I am so excited. Um,
so today we'll be chatting with Ruth Cowles about.
And not only caring just for her parents, but some may be caregivers of a spouse or a loved one who's become ill. And so we'll be talking about the whole notion of serving in the role of caregiver.
And so welcome, Ruth.
Davenia: Thank you. I'm glad that we're talking today. This is a wonderful opportunity to share. And you're right, there are so many people in the same stage of giving care.
Ruth: Well, before we dive into that topic, why don't you share a bit with us about you, who you are,
where you grew up,
what you've done in your life, family, all that, all the good stuff. All about Ruth.
Davenia: Well, that's a long story.
Ruth: I'm old.
Davenia: My husband and I have been married 50 years, so we have three adult married children. I have seven grandchildren. And I am about to have my second great grandchild this year.
So you know that we have a big story. We've lived a lot of years, so I can't really condense it into a minute, but I'll just give you some highlights, I guess along the way.
My husband and I both grew up in Pennsylvania.
We ended up once we got married and we actually had our two sons. We ended up being missionaries in Africa for 17 years.
We lived two years in Nigeria and then 15 years in Kenya and then moved to Kansas. So we've been around a bit.
Moved to Kansas and have been here, oh, since 1998. I served on a church staff here in olathe, Kansas for 16 years. And then I retired.
And since retiring,
you know, Kristen's never really retirement if you're. I grew up in a ministry family. You never really retire, do you?
And so since retiring, I. I teach weekly women's Bible studies and did a bit of writing, speak if I'm asked, and try and encourage my husband, who's also, you know, retired now, try to spend some time with our kids and our grandkids.
Well, I actually trained as a nurse, but I found that and I enjoyed nursing a lot.
I think that nursing's changed over the years quite a bit. And I did nursing until we went to Nigeria. And then I found that I just had more opportunities to teach Bible than I did to do nursing.
So I ended up doing a lot of Bible teaching while I was over there. My husband was a pilot, missionary pilot.
And so there's a lot of stories that we could share about that. But then again, that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?
Ruth: Oh, well,
you're right. You have a lot of fascinating stories. I'm thinking we could have a podcast on grandparenting, parenting, adult children,
ministry, all that.
And so we'll probably have to have you back.
Davenia: Oh, just let me know when. I don't need it. I don't need a lot of notice.
Ruth: And for our listeners, be sure to put in the description links to your books,
particularly the.
Well, the. What we'll be talking about today. Yes, but also you wrote an amazing Bible study.
Is. Who do you say?
Davenia: Jesus. Yeah, Jesus. Who do you say that he is?
Ruth: Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, exciting. And we'll be sure to share that.
Davenia: Thank you.
Ruth: So how did you come to being in that position of caretaker and share about that experience?
Davenia: Well, you know, the whole caregiving thing, it looks different for everyone, but there are similarities.
And both of our mothers, my mother and my mother in law were both widowed while we were overseas. And so during the course of the time that we were raising our children in Africa, we lost both of my father and my father in law and we came home.
When we came home, both our mothers were getting. They were older and they were needing more time, more care.
My mother was very independent. She lived by herself for over 22 years after my father died. But it became apparent that she was having dementia. She began to have dementia and for a while she stayed in Pennsylvania.
She lived alone. But I have two brothers that lived close to her and so they were very attentive and looked in on mom. My oldest brother,
as a pastor, and he drove by our house on his way to and from work every day, and he would stop in on his way to work, on his way home from work, and he would just check on Mom.
But as the disease progressed, we were starting to worry about her being a danger to herself because of just not being able to remember.
So for a while, we had a lady who would come and stay with her during the day for some time, a few hours. But it became apparent that that wasn't enough.
And of course, she had lived in that same house for over 50 years, and she was very reluctant to leave it.
But we prayed a lot about it, my brothers and I, and finally just decided I would bring her here to Kansas to stay with me. So I convinced her that she should come visit me for a while, and we just kind of left it open like that.
And I had actually started a caregiving support group at my church.
And in that group, there were people who were caring for their loved one in home or in a facility or long distance.
And yet we were able to bounce things off each other. And just. It was a really wonderful group because I remember when my mom was still in Pennsylvania,
saying to the group one time, okay, so this is what I'm seeing now. Is this just normal aging, or is this beyond that?
And so just getting feedback and also resources. What resources are available to help,
and so you could share ideas. So I'm a big proponent of that, having a group that can really share ideas, share resources, give input, pray for one another, support each other as we support our.
Our loved one.
And I'm really blessed. I have a very supportive husband who. He's been a wonderful son to my mom and very caring, very supportive, and that was huge help. And the other thing that was very helpful was that my brothers and I were on the same page and having family support.
That's not always the case.
You know, in many families, there's disagreements as to what should be done and who should do what, and there's confusion and chaos, and that doesn't. That's not helpful. And one of the things that I was determined to do was make sure that they were kept in the loop.
And so every day, I made notes about what happened that day, even just a line or two. And then at the end of every week, I sent them an email and I said, this is what happened this week, so that my brothers could then read what was going on with mom and they could give Me,
feedback.
You know, I'd say, if you see something, if I. If you have a suggestion or you think I should be doing something differently or,
you know, ideas or whatever, please tell me. And I could bounce my questions off of them, too,
because one of the things I think that's hardest when you're caregiving someone else is you question the decisions that you're making for them.
And you sometimes wonder, like, am I doing the right thing? And should I do something else or something differently or whatever. And to have someone else who knows the person well and loves them also,
who can give you input, this is, like, majorly important.
But all those notes I kept about what was going on,
I had all these notes, and then that's why I wrote the book Bringing Mother Home.
And I really wrote the book because I wanted people to know who she was,
not just who she had become.
And I think when you're caregiving, that is so important. Remember who that person was.
You know, I mean, she was a dynamic,
stoic, independent, wonderful mother. She loved God. She loved his Word, she loved us.
She had so much strength. But see, once she reached that point where she had the dementia, she wasn't herself. She wasn't the same. And my grandchildren who live here in Kansas didn't know the strong, dynamic woman that she was.
And I wanted the family to know that. So in the book, I put stories from before,
you know, along with what's happening now, so that they would get a feel for who. Who their grandmother really, really was, not just who they saw at the end.
Annie: I know I experienced this myself growing older. I go upstairs to get something, or. Or for some reason, I walk into a room, I'm like, why did I come up here?
And I start to get forgetful. And then I forget my appointments. I now write them all down, like, oh, I have a doctor's appointment. I used to be able to just remember it.
And so there's so many things that I feel, you know, come from growing. Growing older and being forgetful.
And yet there is such a difference. And I was wondering, just based on we. I now know you have a background in nursing, too, but from your experience and perhaps even some of your medical knowledge, what exactly is the difference between just getting old and forgetful because of age versus the disease of dementia?
Davenia: This is a hard question, and it's a question I wrestled with, too. And so they really, you know, a neurologist can help with that,
but that. Those are the kind of questions I ask my support group, like, is this normal? You know, And. Or. And they're like, no, not really. The things that. That with my mother, that showed with my mother were when the person is constantly repeating over and over, like they can't.
She couldn't remember.
It got to where she couldn't sometimes didn't know who I was. You know, that's not normal. Right. Things that she had been doing her whole entire life. She was very good with numbers.
She was a bookkeeper. She. She had a sharp, sharp mind, you know, always when I was growing up. And. But she got to where she was making. She was paranoid, getting a little paranoia there, thinking that there were people coming in the house when she wasn't there.
And there were things that indicated. This is not just that you can't remember because of normal aging.
So you look at all the things together, put all the signs together.
And my brother, who saw her regularly, he would say, you know, mom's really slipping. She's. She's really slipping. And he would notice things because he saw her on a daily basis.
And sometimes he would go to the house and she would just be sitting in the dark in the living room, in a chair in the dark, and it was like night had fallen, but she was not aware exactly of what was happening.
And she seemed like she was just in her own little world in her own head.
You know what I'm saying? Is that making sense? We all wonder about that as we forget. We all do that. Walk into the room and it's like, why am I in here And.
But eventually it'll click. You'll remember why. You remember why when you walk out of the room to go to the kitchen. Ah, yeah. That's why I went back to get that.
You know, that memory will come back with. With the dementia.
They'll forget something, and it doesn't necessarily come back.
You know, my mother would be talking to her sister on the phone,
and then right after the phone call, she would say, I think I'm going to call Esther. And I'd say, well, mom, you just talked to her.
Ruth: Oh, so did your mom realize?
Davenia: Well, this is the thing. This is what's. They get to a certain point when they don't realize. But when a person has dementia, they're troubled by the fact that they can't remember something.
But eventually, as the dementia increases, they don't know, they don't remember.
And so I think it's almost harder on them when they know they don't remember. But later on when they don't know that they don't remember,
they're Happier. That doesn't sound right, but it kind of makes sense to me, you know, if I don't know I'm struggling, then I don't feel the struggle so much. But here's how I explained it to Mom.
She looked at me one day and she goes, why don't I remember that? And this is what I said. I said, well, mom, you know. You know how it was when you worked in the office and you had these filing cabinets, and you had so much information in the filing cabinet,
and it gets so full in there that sometimes you had a hard time finding the right file? I said, I kind of think our mind's like that. You know, the older we get, the more we have in there.
And there's so much that sometimes we can't retrieve the information that we want. I mean, that was the only way I could explain to her that she would understand in that moment what I was saying.
And then there were times when she would say, well, I just don't remember. And I would say, well, mom, you know what? I'll remember for you.
And then we would move on to whatever the next. The next thing was. I know.
And one of the things we question ourselves, but here's. Here's. The only way that I could kind of okay myself with that situation was my brother said, you. The pictures that we saw of her when she was with you, she looked better than she had looked in several years.
She looked happy. You know, it was the socialization that was so important out here with her that.
And I have to be okay with that. I just have to know I did the best I could.
Ruth: You know, actually, in the book. You said in the book is that you had to learn not to take things personally and that.
Davenia: Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
Ruth: And so every day it was just to surrender to God and allowing him to lead and then trusting that whatever decision you made, made it from a position of love and of trust.
Davenia: Yes. Thank you. I think one of the things that's. That kind of an overriding principle, you know, is it's actually, you know, it's one of the commandments to honor your father and your mother, you know, honor your father and your mother.
And I think for us, I mean, that is to show honor. Now, it's not always perceived as honor, because to. To be honest with you, there were many a time my mother was very sad about being here.
She missed home. I mean, she wasn't even here in a week. And she was like, when am I going home?
And I said, well,
we talked about you staying at least through the winter.
And it was still winter, like December.
And she said, but I feel like I've been away from home so long. I said, mom, it's really only been a week. And. And sometimes she would just cry because she was homesick.
And, I mean, I understand that feeling, which is then it just tore at my heart because I didn't want to see her sad.
But the thing about her dementia is that she could easily be distracted from her sadness.
She could be sad and crying. She could hang up from her sister. She could cry on the phone to her sister and then hang up the phone and be fine.
And you know that the highs and lows, the emotional highs and lows take a toll on the caregiver.
Ruth: How do you.
How do you. Because. Because it's your mom, right, who's also an adult and live this amazing life. And now because of this disease,
is a different person. But how do you continue to honor her as mom, protect her dignity while also doing what you need to do for where she is in her life at that time?
Davenia: Yeah, that's a fair question. I think that whole role reversal is hard for everyone.
It's hard for the one that's receiving care because they're used to caring for you. You're their child, and they still think of you as if they remember who you are as their child.
But now suddenly, you are, as you said, making decisions for them. Maybe decisions they don't even want,
but you are making them on their behalf.
And they can look at that several ways. There can be resentment because, like, I didn't let her go home. She wanted to go home.
Annie: What.
Davenia: What do I do? And I. I mean, we discussed this at length as a family because we knew what she wanted. But my brothers and my husband and I, we discussed this at length.
What's the best way to honor Mom? Does. Is she feeling that we're dishonoring her by not letting her go home? And we actually talked about the possibility of making some other arrangement.
You just do the best you can. You pray a lot. You. You trust God a lot.
You want them to be in agreement with you, but they're not always going to be in agreement. Sometimes they're going to be totally opposed to. There was resistance from time to time,
but, you know, we laughed a lot. See,
she loved the Lord. And, you know, one thing that she never lost her love for God,
and she never lost her desire. She had patterns that she had established in life, her pattern of every single night having quiet time with God. Sometimes I'd hear her praying.
Sometimes I'd hear her talking in there, and I'd go to the door and I'd listen and she'd be praying out loud like she and dad used to do every night together.
And not only would she be praying out loud, she would be praying for us by name.
Ruth: And that spiritual that's hiding it in your heart.
Davenia: Yes.
Ruth: And like you said, it was her routine and her pattern and her weight. And so. That's awesome. Yeah.
Davenia: Yeah.
Annie: You know, Ruth, I wanted to ask you.
Perhaps some of our listeners right now are going through,
you know, having to decide amongst their siblings if it's a parent that they're taking care of or maybe they're trying to take care of a spouse that has been diagnosed with some form of dementia.
Now, there are people that are grappling with, oh, my, do I bring them into my house or. Well, people are suggesting, you know, put them in a home, depending on, you know, what's going on, because the plan isn't the same for everyone.
Like, not everyone may have the opportunity. People are working full time. Maybe they can't afford to have somebody move in with them or whatever. So what kind of piece of advice would you give to someone, somebody who's going through this struggle right now?
Davenia: You know, that is a really good question because every case is different. Every person's different. You know, every family has different dynamics going on. Now, my husband and I were empty nesters, so we didn't have children in the home.
And I worked on a church staff who were very agreeable and I could be very flexible in my work. But not everybody has that situation. And some people, like you said, you know, it's not going to work out for them to have their parent or whoever lived with them.
And I always say, you know, you can be a caregiver even if they're not in your home.
I don't think people part of the caregiving group that I talked about, we had the mix of the caregiving in facility in home, you know, or long distance. And in either case,
what's important is honor and respect your loved one. Right? You love your loved one. You do the best you can. And maybe the very best thing you can do for them is have them in a good facility.
Maybe that's the best choice in that particular instance. So I think the person, you have to think, first of all, what is the most honoring way to care and how can it work in our family situation?
Take those things into consideration.
Trust God with the decision, you know,
ask for his help. And his strength. And, you know, stay in the word. Make sure if you're a believer and you have a strong faith in God, don't let your own spiritual life slide.
You know, sometimes we get busy and we forget how important that is, that we could keep our spiritual life fresh and that we're meeting with God regularly and praying for our loved one.
Praying with our loved one.
I have some articles that I've put on there on my website about caregiving and things to consider and then also just some. There's a page of caregiving tips for the one that's giving care.
There's also. And I am not an expert in any way. I'm just telling you my story. Okay, Your story will be different.
Ruth: And you also mentioned the support groups. Yeah, I think that that is excellent.
It's huge piece of advice because sometimes you can feel like you're all alone. You don't know where to go for answers, or sometimes you just need to share and get it.
Davenia: Yeah. And there's some things you don't necessarily want to talk about to the rest of the family, but you want to just, like,
spill to your Christian sister. Right. So that. That's. That's so, so important.
Ruth: That's awesome. So was there ever a time when you felt like God, do you see me? Do you hear and.
Or were you when you were discouraged?
And if so, what helped you restored the hope and the faith?
Davenia: Okay. I don't ever think I felt like God wasn't hearing and God wasn't seeing, but I did have times when I just wanted to say, okay, I'm done. You know, I.
And mostly it was because I. I felt like I was responsible for making her happy and she wasn't going to be happy in the situation. You know, she also. She didn't.
She never wanted to be a burden. And a lot of elderly people will use that, like, I don't want to be a burden. I never want to be a burden.
And then we're constantly having to give reassurance, you are not a burden. I love you. I want you. It's my turn to have you, you know? And so I think as long as we understand and remember why we're doing what we're doing, we're doing it because we believe that God wants us to honor our loved one.
And this is the best way we know how to show honor. We need to stay in the Word. Isaiah 41:10. Fabulous verse, fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. That verse, just a reminder over and over of God's presence. God's strong strengthening.
Verse 13 in that same chapter goes on to say, for I, the Lord thy God, will hold your right hand saying, fear not, I will help you.
And just trusting him, you know, even in those times when we question,
you know, just knowing that, that, that God is our strength,
you know this. There's another verse that I always like to share, is Isaiah 46:4 that says, even to your old age and gray hair. Okay, you can see me. Your listeners aren't going to be able to see me, but you can see.
Look at the gray hair. You know, like, okay, I'm a great.
Ruth: Grandma, by the way.
Davenia: You're sweet. But even to your old age and gray hair, I am He. I am he who will sustain you.
I've made you and I'll carry you. I'll sustain you and I'll rescue you. I love those words because it's good for the care receiver and the caregiver. You know, God's going to be the sustaining force.
And I'll be honest, I don't know how non believers do it. Because, you know, God is our strength, right? And if a person's a non believer, they're on their own.
They got to figure these things out. Lamentations 321 to 23. This I call to mind, therefore I have hope.
The Lord's loving kindness never ceases, for his compassions never fail. They're new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. You know that great old hymn, Great is Thy faithfulness. And so just.
I'm not trying to sermonize here, but just trusting in the faithfulness of God.
Annie: Ruth, any final words that you would like to share about your experience?
Davenia: Well, I would like to just say one thing, and that is that caregiving for someone that's elderly is a temporary season. It's temporary. And if we can keep that in mind, I think that helps too.
Have no regrets.
Annie: We're coming to the end of our. Our episode today, so I want to ask you one final question.
Toward. At the end of our episodes, we like to ask our guests, if you can tell us, what song would you say is one that you've held dear or during this time or just in your life that's been inspirational for you?
Davenia: Okay, well, I'm gonna give you two really quick. I know that you've all heard Cece Winan's song, the Goodness of God. Yes. Oh, my.
All my life, you've been faithful all my life. You've been so, so good. Aren't those wonderful lyrics?
With every breath that I'm able. Right. I'll sing of the goodness of God.
That's a fabulous song. And I'm telling you, anybody that's having a rough day, they can play that song. And that is gonna brighten things up right there. And then there's another song Steve Green did called Find Us Faithful.
And may all who come behind us find us faithful. That's a really neat song. As we ourselves grow older, we want to leave a legacy of faithfulness. And I wanna do that.
I wanna leave a legacy of faithfulness.
So those two songs mean a lot to me. That's powerful.
Annie: Perfect. Ruth, I want to thank you so much for being our guest today,
listeners. This was such an important topic. I think at any time, but for many of you right now, you're experiencing having to take care of a loved one, be it a parent,
a sibling,
or a spouse, or even a child. And, you know, Ruth has said so many great things. I know. I have a title of a book for Ruth that just after she was sharing her story in the beginning, Ruth, I think you should write a book called Serving Jesus from Kenya to Kansas Boy.
The story you could tell.
But, you know, whatever struggle, listeners, that you're going through,
as you're taking care of your loved one,
it's not gonna be easy. No matter what, no matter what your situation, even if you have the support of your family around you, it's not gonna be easy. But as you've heard Ruth share her story, God is with you through this, and he's going to provide resources.
He's going to provide people. He'll provide the funds, whatever it is. We just have to. We have to rely on him and we have to rely on being faithful to God.
And know that even if we have the faith the size of a mustard seed, great is his faithfulness through every struggle and every triumph, through every tear and every smile.
His goodness, as the song says, is running after me. Is running after you. God will never let you down. And so if you, as the Bible says, honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
So, my friends, remember, great is his faithfulness through everything you're going through. So from our heart to yours, listeners, this song's for you.
